Sources/Info: "The Quotes 'R' Us" database. Retreived: 28 December 2004 / 23 Feburary 2005 / 14 October 1997. Source: http://tinyurl.com/y463t9
"UNIX fortune command default database: Miscellaneous, Fortunes, Platitudes". Retreived: Sun 25 July 2004. UNIX fortune source: http://tinyurl.com/2wgann
".sig Quotes" Retrieved: Sun 25 July 2004. Source: http://tinyurl.com/yy2wqm
"Funny firm - Funny quotes!!!!". Retreived: Friday 27 August 2004. Source: http://tinyurl.com/4dqr3
"The Quotations Archive". Retreived: Saturday 2 December 2004 (estimated). Source: http://tinyurl.com/yx6qul
"World of Quotes: Anonymous quotes". Retrieved: 15 January 2007. Source: http://tinyurl.com/v2y6c
"Collected Quotes from Albert Einstein". Retrieved 28 May 2007. Source: http://tinyurl.com/5kkgm
"The Quote Cache". Retrieved 28 May 2007. Source: http://tinyurl.com/lxe6l
"The Funny Quotes Archive V3". Retrieved 17 June 2007. Source: http://tinyurl.com/ysnn52
"Aaron Fuegi's Fortunes page". Retrieved 20 June 2007. Source: http://tinyurl.com/24hbv9
Sources have been modified from their original versions. Permission was granted where needed to use database sources.
Quotes in this database may be unsuitable for children. This is the latest version of the database as of 13/07/2007. End Sources/Info.
The aim of every artist is to arrest motion, which is life, by artificial means and hold it fixed so that a hundred years later, when a stranger looks at it, it moves again since it is life. -- William Faulkner
Not failure, but low aim, is crime. -- James Russel Lowell
"I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability." -- Oscar Wilde
I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
"Shut up, forks!" -- Jennie "Olga"
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -- Eleanor Roosevelt
Guilty by association, Judged by who I know...If I couldn't keep all my friends I have trouble with, I've got no place to go! -- H2o
Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. -- Oscar Levant
"Nature is a revelation of God; Art a revelation of man." -- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art. -- Tom Stoppard, "Artist Descending a Staircase"
When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a nose bleed, which usually cures them of _that. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
"Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind." -- Terry Pratchett, _Reaper Man_
"The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it." -- James Agate
"Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business." -- Tom Robbins
The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be. -- Lao Tsu
I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
Scott's second Law: When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been wrong in the first place. Corollary: After the correction has been found in error, it will be impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.
Ellie:"Of course she wouldn't like you! You turned her into a McDonalds!" Ellie's Ex: "I only did that 'cause she said she hated their food."
"That's GOTTA be a cathedral. It has those DUDES on it." "Jess, that's Jesus." -- Jess and Mel in London
Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
"If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?" -- Anonymous
To understand is to perceive patterns. -- Isaiah Berlin
I want to kill this waitress shes worked here a year longer than i, if i did it fast you know thats an act of kindness, but i believe in peace i believe in peace bitch -- Myra Ellen Amos
'Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all. -- Alfred, Lord Tennyson, In Memoriam, 1850, line 27, stanza 4
Sturgeon's Law: 90% of everything is crud.
Author: A fool, who, not content with having bored those who have lived with him, insists on tormenting the generations to come. -- Montesquieu
If my head was a bowl with my mouth in the bottom I would drown in the rain -- Kevin Mason
"If at first you don't succeed, quickly deny you were even trying." -- Daniel "Fluffy"
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Your word choice is so limited and pathetic. My vocabulary, on the other hand, is as good as... like... whatever. -- Jon
Dawn: When men of reason go to bed. -- Ambrose Bierce
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're smiling and everyone around you is crying. -- Anonymous
Micro Credo: Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
Probably the worst thing about having King Kong go rampid in your town would be the huge, monster genitalia. -- Jack Handey
"Too crowdy. Use frash." -- Jen's grandfather's very expensive talking Japanese camera on a typical overcast Seattle day
Kim: "I laughed so hard I peed my pants." Jason: "Really?"
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. It's even harder if you're dealing with the wrong end of the horse. -- D. French
Ellie, age 7, doing homework: "Simple subject!" Ellie's brother, age 4: "What a bummer."
The church is the great lost and found department. -- Robert Short
Yinkel, n.: A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Your fortune stateth: You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
Without music to decorate it, time is just a bunch of boring production deadlines or dates by which bills must be paid. -- Frank Zappa
It has bothered me all my life that I do not paint like everybody else. -- Henri Matisse
Maybe you're not an ugly human being but a good looking ape... with exceptional verbal skills. -- Upright Citizens Brigade
Style, like the sheer silk underwear, sometimes hides eczema. -- Albert Camus
Murphy's Discovery: Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in trouble!
The only weapon that becomes sharper with constant use is the tongue. -- Anonymous
"Advertising may be described as the science of arresting human intelligence long enough to get money from it." -- Stephen Butler Leacock
Missy: "Mr. Balfour, you don't like me very much, do you?" Mr. Balfour: "In all my 30 years of teaching, I've never liked a student."
Since we're all here, we must not be all there. -- Bob "Mountain" Beck
Name's Barf. I'm a Mog, half man half dog. I'm my own best friend -- Spaceballs
Grandpa Charnock's Law: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
cashier: You from 'round here? Heather: Yes. cashier: You from North Carolina? Heather: Yeah. cashier: You American? Heather: No.
I've had to guess at her, sewing her skin together as I sew mine, though with a different stitch. -- Adrienne Rich
A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a "round tuit" now has no excuse for further procrastination.
"Well I have been here so long that if there was a way I could open it I could have found it by now" -- Ellie
"On the other hand, you have different fingers." -- Stephen Wright
If a tree falls down in the middle of a big forest, and nobody is there to see it or hear it happen, will McDonald's get away with it? -- Mat
Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your chairs.
Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that the stuff life is made of. -- Benjamin Franklin
"What do you call a cross between a turtle and a horse? A Turtlehorse!" -- Peter S.
Help! I've forgotten how to think! -- Taylor on a late night chat
It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something. -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
"Television? No good will come of this device. The word is half Greek and half Latin." -- C.P. Scott - British Journalist.
You've taken my thinking, my means of survival. You thrust in my hand your gun and your Bible. You told me to kill for the Lord up above. You taught me to hate when I know there is LOVE. -- Crass
"Books... will... protect... us... must... be... with... the books..." -- Jen, at the decision to meet someone at Barnes & Noble
Your fortune stateth: You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to?
Every man knows his follies and often they are the most interesting thing he has got. -- Josh Billings
LABOR, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. -- Ambrose Bierce
Numbers are like people; torture them enough and they'll tell you anything. -- Anonymous
Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go. -- T. S. Eliot
"I'm a nymphomaniac of the heart." -- Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Garter, n.: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"Morality is the herd-instinct of the individual." -- Friedrich Nietzsche
The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself. -- Sir Richard Francis Burton
Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. Violators will be prosecuted. (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
I've just discovered this thing called daylight. -- a HotWired sysadmin, a few days after quitting.
Forgetfulness, n.: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.
Mathematics, rightly viewed, posses not only truth, but supreme beauty -- a beauty cold and austere, like that of sculpture. -- Bertrand Russell
"There is hope, but not for us." -- Franz Kafka
REASON, v.i. To weight probabilities in the scales of desire. -- Ambrose Bierce
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite. -- Paul Dirac
Ifi can't dance, I don't want your revolution. -- Emma Goldman
METROPOLIS, n. A stronghold of provincialism. -- Ambrose Bierce
A good marriage is at least 80 percent good luck in finding the right person at the right time. The rest is trust. -- Nanette Newman, British actress
Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London: Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat.
That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest. -- Henry David Thoreau
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need. -- Francois-Auguste Rodin, when asked how he managed to make his remarkable statues
"But you shall not escape my iambics." -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
The church is close, but the road is icey. The bar is far, but I will walk carefully. -- Russian Proverb
When you fall , you damage when you fall in love with somebody your love for them stays with you forever if you fall out of love, you where never really in love once you fall, you can't fall out of it, you only fall. -- Anonymous
$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
ARREST, v.t. Formally to detain one accused of unusualness. -- Ambrose Bierce
"Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination." -- Oscar Wilde
Your fortune stateth: Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
Excellent time to become a missing person.
A fool and your money are soon partners.
Great music is that which penetrates the ear with facility and leaves the memory with difficulty. Magical music never leaves the memory. -- Sir Thomas Beecham
"That's life, you've always got to convert something." -- Mr. Rollings, physics teacher and the smartest man in the world.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone. -- Anthony Burgess
Mr. Scott: "So if you were a chemist for a major company, you would be aiming for about zero to two percent error." Mike: "What would they say to 100% error?" Mr. Scott: "They'd probably frown upon that."
He who hesitates is last.
Stolen kisses are always sweetest. -- Leigh Hunt
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
"Dictators ride to and fro upon tigers which they dare not dismount. And the tigers are getting hungry." -- Winston Churchill
Don't laugh, it's not funny it's hysterical! -- Jeff, a CMU student
I hit him to get his attention. I shot him to calm him down I killed him to reason with him. -- Henry Rollins
He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
I feed on the flesh of the living -- and I vote.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Why do seagulls live near the sea? 'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls.
"A room without books is like a body without a soul." -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
Truth is eternal. Knowledge is changeable. It is disastrous to confuse them. -- Madeleine L'Engle
Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
Your fortune stateth: You will be dead within a year.
That's the way things come clear. All of a sudden. And then you realize how obvious they've been all along. -- Madeleine L'Engle, "The Arm of the Starfish"
Intel has announced its next chip: the Repentium. -- Anonymous
I have more hit points that you can possible imagine.
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once. -- Anonymous
"If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me." -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
Do not go where the path may lead instead go where there is no path and leave a trail. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Your fortune stateth: Keep it short for pithy sake.
The generous and bold have the best lives. -- Poetic Edda, a compilation, ca. 1200 AD, of earlier Icelandic poems (19)
"I had the coolest dream last night! I was on this boat... and... well... that's all I can remember.... but I was definitely on a boat!" -- Kate
If you want anything done well, do it yourself. This is why most people laugh at their own jokes. -- Bob Edwards
"This time next year we'll be tanned muscle-bound aikido-master genius stud philosophers." -- A. M. Heublein
Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
"Hey! It's my fabulous patented Moon Waffle!" -- Chris Cotton (a la Homer Simpson)
I don't think any of me is all there. Where's "there," anyway? -- Deborah
That looks like a bowling ball with a butt crack. -- Melissa, referring to Sarah's plum.
Majority, n.: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
Emily: "Asher. That's such a cool name! What's your last name?" Asher: "Pimplefart." Emily: "Oh... wow."
"If angels existed, they'd probably be considered big game." -- Don Swain
Jazz is My Adventure -- Thelonius Monk
"I didn't think; I experimented." -- Wilhelm Roentgen
"Next time I eat fries, I'm gonna do it naked." -- Julie
If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.
"Conceptions without experience are void; experience without conceptions is blind." -- Albert Einstein
You have to be a bastard to make it and The Beatles were the biggest bastards in the world! -- John Lennon
What could be more repellent than to suffer the limitation of others as a desperat alternative to gazing singly at our own? -- Alain de Botton, "The Romantic Movement"
"There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself." -- Johann Sebastian Bach
Jen: Why haven't you eaten your candy? Julie: That's not candy. Jen: Why haven't you eaten your beads?
"If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts." -- Albert Einstein
Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
I see "subvert", but I think "submit". -- Adam M.
The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing. -- Blaise Pascal, Pensees, trans. A.J. Krailsheimer
Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
"Oh, wait... I got to get into the sun... AAAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGHHHH!!!!" -- Bill, dealing with brain freeze after eating a Mr. Icee.
There's a part of every living thing that wants to become itself: the tadpole into the frog, the chrysalis into the butterfly, a damaged human being into a whole one. That is spirituality -- Ellen Bass
I do it for the joy it brings, cause I'm a joyful girl. Cause the world owes us nothing, we owe each other the world. -- Ani Difranco
"With a name like Vixxxen, didn't her parents know she was going to grow up to be a porn star?" -- Wayne, while watching Jerry Springer.
Proof by omission: The reader may easily supply the details. The other 253 cases are analogous.
"The best thing about computers is that they fly around the room when you get real mad at them." -- Joe Ely Carrales, III
"Society exists only as a mental concept; in the real world there are only individuals. -- Charley Reese
"Why mix!?" -- Andres, after a long night of mixing increasingly less lemonade with his Everclear.
The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.
Sleeping is no mean art: for its sake one must stay awake all day. -- Friedrich Nietzsche
When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. -- P. J. O'Rourke
The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop and take a rest.
Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
Your fortune stateth: You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider.
Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. -- Wernher von Braun
I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
A man who has a why to live for, can bear almost any how. -- From Victor E Frankl , "Man's Search for Meaning"
Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does. -- Sartre
Soul meets soul on lovers lips. -- Percy Bysshe Shelley
Why would anyone want to be called "Later"?
Fasion is what goes out of fashion. -- Jean Couteau
Always do what you want, and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind -- Dr. Suess
They have come up with a perfect understanding. He won't try to run her life, and he won't try to run his, either. -- Anonymous
"I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence." -- Doug MacLeod
Happiness is good health and a bad memory. -- Ingrid Bergman
"All I can say is that I'm glad I didn't invest in a lot of those 'Straight not Narrow' pins." -- me, upon deciding that I'm queer
I don't know exactly what democracy is. But we need more of it. -- Anonymous Chinese Student, during protests in Tianamen Square, Beijing, 1989
100 per cent of us die, and the percentage cannot be increased. -- C.S. Lewis, "The Weight of Glory"
The death of a friend is equivalent to the loss of a limb. -- German Proverb
"Freedom comes from human beings, rather than from laws and institutions." -- Clarence Seward Darrow
"To live outside the law you must be honest." -- Bob Dylan
If you want me with you on the landing; you have to include me on the take-off. -- Vincent Scalia,Dean College of Health and Human Sciences University of Northern Colorado
"The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage." -- Mark Russell
"In a disastrous fire in President Reagan's library, both books were destroyed. And the real tragedy is that he hadn't finished coloring one." -- Jonathan Hunt - New Zealand Politician
Gods are fragile things; they may be killed by a whiff of science or a dose of common sense. -- Chapman Cohen
If I had been around when Rubens was painting, I would have been revered as a fabulous model. Kate Moss? Well, she would have been the paintbrush... -- Dawn French
But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. -- Carl Sagan
Have you locked your file cabinet?
When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you -- Lao-Tzu
Art does not reproduce the visible; rather, it makes visible. -- Paul Klee
"You're gonna eat this!" -- Jimmy, 5 years old, stuffing grass in a turtle's shell.
"Whoso would be a man must be a nonconformist." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"I have crap on my pants! ... Not REAL crap, mind you." -- Jess R.
When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!" -- Turkish proverb
Your fortune stateth: You will live to see your grandchildren.
"Art should never try to be popular. The public should try to make itself artistic." -- Oscar Wilde
Dyslexia means never having to say that you're ysror.
Any self-respecting punk rocker knows that christian punk is an oxymoron! -- Somebody Special
"I came from a disadvantaged home. They were Republicans." -- Paul Tsongas
What we call Man's power over Nature turns out to be a power exercised by some men over other men with Nature as its instrument. -- C.S. Lewis
Rock gives children, on a silver platter, with all the public authority of the entertainment industry, everything their parents always used to tell them they had to wait for until they grew up and would understand later. -- Allan Bloom
The trouble with children is that they are not returnable. -- Quentin Crisp
There was a young lady from Hyde Who ate a green apple and died. While her lover lamented The apple fermented And made cider inside her inside.
One good turn deserves another. -- Gaius Petronius
"If you can't annoy somebody, there's little point in writing." -- Kingsley Amis
When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
One of the first conditions of happiness is that the link between Man and Nature shall not be broken. -- Leo Tolstoy
Tact, n.: The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
Your fortune stateth: Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; Don't forget to leave a tip.
Your fortune stateth: Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented it wasn't worth doing.
Your fortune stateth: Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous.
I would never want to be reincarnated as a jar of Vasoline. -- Jon
What is my loftiest ambition? I've always wanted to throw an egg at an electric fan. -- Anonymous
Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours." -- Robert Byrne
...a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing... -- Thomas Jefferson
"...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said 'A truck!'..." -- Emo Philips
BAROMETER, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having. -- Ambrose Bierce
Math is like going to the bathroom; you don't necessarily _enjoy_ it, but everyone's gotta do it from time to time. -- Roy Hartzler, high school physics teacher
"But my tongue was hot..." -- 3-year-old Jared's response to his mother when told not to stick his tongue out at other people.
Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing. -- Oscar Wilde
The police are not here to create disorder, they're here to preserve disorder" -- Former Chicago Mayor Daley During The Infamous 1968 Convention
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it. -- Moses Hadas, book reviewer
Perfection means not perfect actions in a perfect world, but appropriate actions in an imperfect one. -- R. H. Blyth
Kevin: (gagging noises) Man, this stuff is pretty tasteless! Me: Take the wrapper off. -- Kevin eating his first tamale, which are usually wrapped in corn husks to keep them fresh.
"I envy people who drink -- at least they know what to blame everything on." -- Oscar Levant
"A large section of the intelligentsia seems wholly devoid of intelligence." -- G. K. Chesterton
"Andrew is so incredibly reliable that almost any printing command will work, as long as it is long and complex enough..." -- Nathaniel Borenstein
Your fortune stateth: Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
All is well, practice kindness, heaven is nigh. -- Jack Kerouac
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
Matt: "Wow, that girl in the lime green thong isn't wearing a top." John: "Uh Matt, that's not a girl."
"Say Cheesesticks!" "Cheesesticks!" "Whiskey!" -- Food demonstration ladies getting their picture taken the day before Wal-Mart Supercenter in DeKalb, Illinois opened (4/22/97)
Devin: "You really hit the nose on the head that time." Tomas: "Did you just say hit the NOSE on the head?" [Pause] Devin: "God, I hope not." Gary: "Well, hitting it anywhere else would just be stupid."
"I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again." -- Bart Simpson
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men. -- Martin Luther King Jr.
"When solving a 'panic' you must first ask yourself what you were doing that could possibly frighten an operating system." -- Peter van der Linden
"'You can't trample infidels when you're a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.'" -- Terry Pratchett, _Small Gods_
The emotions are sometimes so strong that I work without knowing it. The strokes come like speech. -- Vincent van Gogh
I've never been in Spain... well, I was in Brussels for 5 hours. -- Karen
Even in the desolate wilderness, stars can still shine. -- Aoi Jiyuu Shiroi Nozomi
"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
"Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence." -- Henry Louis Mencken
Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
The best known evil is the most tolerable. -- Titus Livy
"You want a Poo-poo Platter?" "No, man...pull your pants up, I didn't come here for that sorta thing." -- Chris Cotton (at China Dragon one night)
There are children playing in the street who could solve some of my top problems in physics, because they have modes of sensory perception that I lost long ago. -- J. Robert Oppenheimer
"All Bibles are man-made." -- Thomas Alva Edison
Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes. -- Mahatma Gandhi
"Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them." -- James Thurber
"Is not life a hundred times too short for us to bore ourselves?" -- Friedrich Nietzsche
"Ron and Nancy got the house, but Sid and Nancy rule." -- Dar Williams
"You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct." -- W. Somerset Maugham
Indie sux, hardline sux, emo sux, you SUCK! -- Anti-Flag
"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!"
"Julie, why do we have to be relatives?" -- As Julie rests her head on a male cousin's shoulder.
Science is always wrong. It never solves a problem without creating ten more. -- George Bernard Shaw
"I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say tuned."
"They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance?" - Ronald Reagan
"Take off your seatbelt before you get out." -- Mama Rea
"Faith is often the boast of the man who is too lazy to investigate." -- F.M. Knowles
This is the miracle that happens every time to those who really love; the more they give, the more they possess. -- Rainer Maria Rilke
Anyone who knows a strange fact shares in its singularity. -- Jean Genet
Yes! Evil rules! Good can suck it! Suck it, good! -- Upright Citizens Brigade
The Mediterranean has the color of mackerel, changeable I mean. You don't always know if it is green or violet, you can't even say it's blue, because the next moment the changing reflection has taken on a tint of rose or gray. -- Vincent van Gogh
"What?? You're kidding me. They are giving away FREE beer??!!" -- Valerie and Lindsey
"On which side is the Pacific?" "On the left." "Is that when you look at it from the sky or under ground?" -- me and my friend, discussing a geography project.
"You never get a first chance to make a second opinion." -- Jamie Jones delivers a drunken misquote on a holiday in Ibiza.
What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Julie: "I got you!! I won!!" Matt: "It's easy to win when you are the only one who knows the rules."
"The world is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel." -- Horace Walpole
What is life? We are born, we live a little and we die. -- EB White, "Charlotte's Web "
Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture on a rock. -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
A beauty is a woman you notice; A charmer is one who notices you. -- Adlai Stevenson
The fewer facts you have in support of an opinion, the stronger your emotional attachment to that opinion. -- Anonymous
"I rock harder than God." -- Julie
Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship - never. -- Charles Caleb Colton
"Uncontrolled flight into terrain is usually pilot error." -- San Francisco Chronical, about an air crash in Guam
No one, not even the rain has such small hands -- ee cummings
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
As far as consistency of thought goes, I prefer inconsistency. -- John Cage
Many a young lady does not realize just how strong her love for a young man is until he fails to pass the approval test with her parents. -- Anonymous
You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it within himself. -- Galileo Galilei
... imagination acts upon man as really as does gravitation, and may kill him as certainly as a dose of prussic acid. -- James Frazer
A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
ACHIEVEMENT, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust. -- Ambrose Bierce
"The British civil service ... is a beautifully designed and effective braking mechanism." -- Shirley Williams - British politician
PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the solution set. -- E. W. Dijkstra
"When people have trouble communicating, the least they can do is to shut up." -- Tom Lehrer
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters. -- Solomon Short
Nostalgia is living life in the past lane.
"It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great." -- Havelock Ellis
"You're doomed! You're SO doomed! I wouldn't have swallowed a Buick, and I wouldn't want to keep on eating!"
I have nothing to say / and I am saying it / and that is poetry / as I needed i -- John Cage
Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parent, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers. -- Socrates
"Why does the Justice Brandeis statue, which is made of malleable metal, represent 'Truth?' Does this mean that the truth is bendable?" -- S.D. Gage
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. -- Anonymous
"The basis of optimism is sheer terror." -- Oscar Wilde
Love's Drug My love is like an iron wand That conks me on the head, My love is like the valium That I take before me bed, My love is like the pint of scotch That I drink when i be dry; And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise.
Seek simplicity -- and distrust it. -- Alfred North Whitehead
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else." -- Seen on a bumper sticker 
"USENET is William Shatner and George Bush trading places after being hit by lightning." -- James 'Kibo' Parry
I think I might have ingested a fair amount of 409. -- Jason B.
To get something done a committee should consist of three men, two of whom are absent. -- Anonymous
"My good intentions are completely lethal." -- Margaret Atwood
We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience. -- George Bernard Shaw
I prefer the wicked rather than the foolish. The wicked sometimes rest. -- Alexandre Dumas pere
[Music] takes us out of the actual and whispers to us dim secrets that startle our wonder as to who we are, and for what, whence, and whereto. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
When are we human beings gonna have a meeting? We took this god thing and ran to the god damn end of the earth with it. -- George Carlin
Love is sentimental measles.
"I've got a bag down my pants." -- Courtney
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students. -- John Ciardi
Taking a new step, uttering a new word, is what people fear most. -- Dostoyevsky
Some birds aren't meant to be caged, their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up, does rejoice. I guess I just miss my friend. , Shawshank Redemption
Only in college can you have sex with your friend and it enhances your friendship -- Marisa And Jill
We live on the planet of the Apes. Is that funny, or serious? -- Robert Anton Wilson
Scientists often have a naive faith that if only they could discover enough facts about a problem, these facts would somehow arrange themselves in a compelling and true solution. -- Theodosius Dobzhansky
Dear diary, my teen angst bullshit has a body count! -- -Veronica In 'Heathers'
In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time. -- Edward P. Tryon
Violence is the first refuge of the incompetent -- Issac Asimov
If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it. -- Thomas Carlyle
"'Tis more blessed to give than to receive; for example, wedding presents." -- H.L. Mencken 
"You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends." -- Joseph Conrad
"Some people move in lesbian circles. I move in bisexual dodecahedrons." -- R.K.
Flame on! -- Johnny Storm
Every man gets a narrower and narrower field of knowledge in which he must be an expert in order to compete with other people. The specialist knows more and more about less and less and finally knows everything about nothing. -- Konrad Lorenz
That which is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil. -- Friedrich Nietzsche
Art is what you can get away with. -- Andy Warhol
Life is like music; it must be composed by ear, feeling, and instinct, not by rule. -- Samuel Butler
"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, it would be a calamity." -- Benjamin Disraeli
Anarchy is capitalist. -- Hot Topic Sucks
To know what to leave out and what to put in; just where and just how, ah, THAT is to have been educated in the knowledge of simplicity. -- Frank Lloyd Wright
You know my motto: Forgive and uh... the other thing.
"It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune." -- Woody Allen
"Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number." -- James Estes
"The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling." -- Ambrose Bierce
Art and science have their meeting point in method. -- Edward Bulwer-Lytton
So here we are tonight,you and me together, the storm outside and this fire is bright, and oh in your eyes I can see what's on my mind -- Dave
Penn State University--a drinking school with a football problem. -- Adrienne, PSU
QUEEN, n. A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king, and through whom it is ruled when there is not. -- Ambrose Bierce
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist. -- Epicurus
"Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday." -- Woody Allen
Monday, n.: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"These balls smell like nuts." -- Shannon (referring to the basketballs in her hand)
"Look, man, all I am is a trumpet player." -- Miles Davis
Me not responsible. Me just pawn in game of life.
Hedonist for hire... no job too easy!
Oh dear. This calls for a very special blend of psychology ... and EXTREME VIOLENCE. -- Vyvian
"Chickens are a little small. Well, then so are some men." -- Julieann No-Middle-Name Jorgensen (hee hee hee yourself!)
"Half the lives here exist only in movie scripts." -- Jason Holliman
"To knock a thing down, especially if it is cocked at an arrogant angle, is a deep delight of the blood." -- George Santayana
Some people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic.
Men of genius are admired. Men of wealth are envied. Men of power are feared. But only men of character are trusted. -- Arthur Friedman
"It's not so much a question of if I'm going to get a job, but whether I'm going to get a job." -- Dan
"George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend." -- Ashley Cooper
All profoundly original art looks ugly at first. -- Clement Greenberg
As always, victory finds a hundred fathers but defeat is an orphan. -- Count Galeazzo Ciano, The Ciano Diaries
Your fortune stateth: You are destined to become the commandant of the fighting men of the department of transportation.
Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go. -- Brooks Atkinson
Your fortune stateth: You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. A pity that it's totally undeserved.
Nick: "I'm thinking of putting that in the 'classified'..." Me: "Let's see." Nick's ad says: "Exchange roommate for color TV." Me: "I'm not sure this is going to work."
When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. -- Robert Heinlein
MAMMON, n. The god of the world's leading religion. The chief temple is in the holy city of New York. -- Ambrose Bierce
"All movements go too far." -- Bertrand Russell
When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere. -- St. Ambrose
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. -- Woody Allen
It is the heart which perceives God and not the reason. That is what faith is: God perceived by the heart, not by the reason. -- Blaise Pascal, "Pensees"
Do you have a text? do you use it? -- Actual comment from the prof on my friend's Art History exam
Obviously I don't think we should say all purple cows practice witchery and should be burned at the milking machine. -- Lisa
"Not An Exit" -- Sign below the "Exit" sign in The Parlor, Michigan's oldest ice cream store.
"Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree." --Profesoor W.
Symmetry is what we see at a glance -- Charles Richards Udoakah (Jos, Nigeria)
Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
"He is like a female llama surprised in her bath." -- Winston Churchill - referring to Charles de Gaulle
"Busy yourselves with _this_, you damned walruses, while the rest of use proceed with the libretto." -- John Barrymore - US Actor, on throwing a fish at a noisy audience
"When women go wrong, men go right after them." -- Mae West
A wise man can see more from a mountain top than a fool can from the bottom of a well.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add? -- Steven Wright
He who laughs, lasts. -- Mary Pettibone Poole
It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations. -- Sir Winston Churchill, "My Early Life"
Why didn't Leonardo DiCaprio ever make educational science movies? -- Allyson, complaining about the monotonous films we have to watch in science
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
A man paints with his brains and not with his hands. -- Michelangelo Buonarroti
The mathematician lives long and lives young; the wings of his soul do not early drop off, nor do its pores become clogged with the earthy particles blown from the dusty highways of vulgar life. -- James Joseph Sylvester
"Outer space is no place for a person of breeding." -- Lady Violet Bonham Carter
If God had meant us to vote, He would have given us candidates. -- Seen on a bumper sticker
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy and repetition.
Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the Station-to-Station rate.
PREDILECTION, n. The preparatory stage of disillusion. -- Ambrose Bierce
You can pay attention to the fact, in which case you'll probably become a mathematician, or you can ignore it, in which case you'll probably become a physicist. -- Len Evans, professor, Northwestern University, teaching an honors calculus course
"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet." -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
Water is the only drink for a wise man. -- Henry David Thoreau
Famous last words: 1) "Don't worry, I can handle it." 2) "You and what army?" 3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be a cop."
Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once. 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
"An artist is a creature driven by demons. He don't usually know why they chose him and he's usually too busy to wonder why." -- William Faulkner
When the day is gone, so are my shoes. -- J. Guess (The last name is real.)
The Pig, if I am not mistaken, Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. Let others think his heart is big, I think it stupid of the Pig. -- Ogden Nash
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
Aye, but isn't the man who chooses the bad in some way better than the man who has the good forced upon him? -- Alex (A Clockwork Orange)
I don't care if I'm a lemming, I'm still not going.
"Fanaticism consists in redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your aim." -- George Santayana
All endeavor calls for the ability to tramp the last mile, shape the last plan, endure the last hours toil. The fight to the finish spirit is the one... characteristic we must posses if we are to face the future as finishers. -- Anonymous
"An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible." -- Alfred A. Knopf
Go away. I'm all right. -- H. G. Wells
"There are two kinds of sparks, the one that goes off with a hitch like a match, but it burns quickly. The other is the kind that needs time, but when the flame strikes...it's eternal, don't forget that." -- Timothy Oliveira
Mistakes are the portals for discovery. -- James Joyce
Democracy is the form of government where everyone gets what the majority deserves.
My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me! -- Henry Ford
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them.
The pen is mightier than the sword, but no one is worthy to pull it from the stone. -- James Bauerle
Got Mole problems? Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23
There is only one kind of love, but there are a thousand imitations. -- Francois de La Rouchefoucauld
All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door.
"I'm a squid, I'm a born lever puller."
Show my head to the people, it is worth seeing. -- Georges Danton, to his executioner
A critic in my house sees some paintings. Greatly perturbed, he asks for my drawings. My drawings? Never! They are my letters, my secrets. -- Paul Gauguin
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." -- Henry Youngman
Time flies like an arrow Fruit flies like a banana
When I find myself fading, I close my eyes and realize my friends are my energy. -- Anonymous
Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction. -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
"You shouldn't think about *how* we're doing this. You should ask yourself, 'why?'" -- Penn Jillette
"Veni, Vidi, Scarfi, Barfi -- we came, we saw, we ate too much, we got sick." -- Alan Cheville
If heat rises and cold sinks, why do icebergs float? -- Julie J.
Everything is held together with stories. That is all that is holding us together, stories and compassion. -- Barry Lopez
He who doesn't risk never gets to drink champagne. -- Russian Proverb
Your fortune stateth: This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
It's 106 miles to Chicago. We've got a full tank of gas and half a pack of cigarettes. It's dark and we're wearing sunglasses. Hit it. -- The Blues Brothers
You tell Buddy that if I see Glen with his sun glasses on I'm gonna step on 'em. Might not even take 'em off first. -- Jack Foley (Aka George Clooney), Out Of Sight
Nature is an infinite sphere of which the center is everywhere and the circumference nowhere. -- Blaise Pascal
My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. -- Christopher Morley
"When dictatorship is a fact, revolution becomes a right." -- Victor Marie Hugo
Become the change you seek in the world. -- Gandhi
The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything. -- Oscar Wilde
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops. -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
"What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?" -- Ursula K. Leguin
"Freedom of opinion can only exist when the government thinks itself secure." -- Bertrand Russell
To the well-organised mind, death is but the next great adventure. -- Albus Dumbledore
"The imposition of stigma is the commonest form of violence used in democratic societies." -- R. A. Pinker
"Australia, Austria.... whatever." -- Paul
"A man who allows wild passion to arise within, himself burns his heart, then after burning adds the wind that thereto which ignites the fire again, or not, as the case may be." IT'S ALL OVER -- Jack Kerouac
"My favorite road sign is the one that just says 'MOOSE' on it, because really, who are they trying to fool?" -- Ryan
"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." (Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton) -- attributed to Albert Einstein
Your fortune stateth: You need no longer worry about the future.  This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
"The weasel under the cocktail cabinet." -- Harold Pinter - British playwright - when asked what his plays were about
Imitation is the sincerest form of television. -- Fred Allen
"A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps." - Robert Benchley
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling."
"Seig Shawn!" -- Jonathan Schultz, in a drunken state
"Every law is an infraction of liberty." -- Jeremy Bentham
Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. -- Lily Tomlin
The Church is an organism that grows best in an alien society. -- C. Stacey Woods
"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat -- Lewis Carrol
"Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with." -- Mark Twain
Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and not tried. -- G. K. Chesterton
Jen's Japanese High School Principal at her farewell: "You will go back. Meet a nice boy. Get married. Take care of the children and make a happy home." Jen: "I'll do what?"
"A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms." -- George Wald
Washing one's hands of the conflict between the powerful and the powerless means to side with the powerful, not to be neutral. -- Paulo Freire
When I feel a little confused the only thing to do is to turn back to the study of nature before launching once again into the subjects closest to heart. -- Raoul Dufy
"The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the law free." -- Henry David Thoreau
"Now, how can I show you a joule? Here. This is about a joule." -- Fr. McLernan, while lifting a marble apple off his desk during physics class.
How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
I can't believe she called me a snob! She's just jealous because I have so much more than money than her and I'm a lot prettier, too. -- overheard in a class full of cheerleaders before the teacher came in
Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet. -- Jack Handey
Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. -- Lord Dewar
Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
"A lady is always grateful for a sincere compliment, so long as you don't try to knock her down with it." -- Mark Twain
This fortune intentionally not included.
"And the heat goes on...where the hand has been." -- Byrne/Eno
"Dave, this is your second warning. Turn off the MIME in your mailer or I'll threaten you." -- Greg Morrow
New York's got the ways and means; Just won't let you be. -- The Grateful Dead
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. -- Douglas Adams
Your fortune stateth: You're definitely on their list.  The question to ask next is what list it is.
Your body knows what a bed is. -- Laura Yoder
There is no remedy for sex but more sex. -- Anonymous
"The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts." -- Paul Erlich
"The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated." -- Ghandi
Neil, are you going to make me dinner or am I going to have to kick your teeth in? -- Vivian
What causes the mysterious death of everyone?
Elevators smell different to midgets
"Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few." -- George Bernard Shaw
Alliance, n.: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"well, it seems doable so we should do it. if we can't then we should get no biscuits." -- tim@meer.net
"'Why do you bother with him? He's had thousands of people killed!'" "'Yes, but perhaps he thought that you wanted it.'" -- Terry Pratchett
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. -- Mark Twain
"By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
"To different minds, the same world is a hell, and a heaven." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
May your camel be as swift as the wind.
Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything that is beautiful, for beauty is God's handwriting--a wayside sacrament. Welcome it in every fair face
But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!
"I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules, including: * Both of your socks should always be the same color * Or they should at least both be fairly dark -- Dave Barry
"The man who does not read good books is at no advantage over the man that can't read them." -- Mark Twain
Trouble always comes at the wrong time.
Sometimes it's useful to know how large your zero is. -- Anonymous
"Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt." -- Abraham Lincoln
I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts
"A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing." -- Oscar Wilde
"Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago." -- Bernard Berenson
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explaination. -- Saki
"Two is a couple, three is a crowd, four is two couples, five is a couple and a crowd, six is either three couples or two crowds..." -- Alf
Your fortune stateth: Do not overtax your powers.
Karen: "You talk so much!" Jackie: "I have so much to say!"
Moebius always does it on the same side.
Talk not of wasted affection; affection never was wasted. -- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
The work of internal government has become the task of controlling the thousands of fifth-rate men. -- Henry B. Adams
"I did five years of the same major from beginning to start." -- Shannon Hartzler
If the world really looks like that I will paint no more! -- Claude Monet, flinging away a pair of glasses for which he had been fitted to correct a severe astig
Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
The artist can know all the technique in the world, but if he feels nothing, it will mean nothing. -- Chen Chi
I got up this morning and I couldn't find my socks. So I called information. I said, "Hello, information?" She said, "Yes." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were. -- Steven Wright
The gods too are fond of a joke. -- Aristotle
Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once.
If you can't annoy somebody, there's little point in writing. -- Kingsley Amis
Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.
He insulted me! He called me cheif Piggum....oh wait now I get it ha ha ha! -- Cheif Wiggum
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. -- Dave Edison
"The world would be a much prettier place if those blue M&M's would melt in your hands. Just think -- EVERYTHING BLUE!" -- Mike Lavery
Most artists are doing basically the same thing - staying off the streets. -- Edward Ruscha
I have to kiss a lot of frogs before I can kiss my prince. -- Polly
I never listen to the radio. If it's bad, I make fun of it, and if it's good, I get jealous that I didn't think of it. -- John Lennon
"I would rather go home and play with myself every night than come home to that. Look at her. She's a FREAK!" -- Jon, referring to Stephen's girlfriend
These people have served a longer sentence than some people who have committed murder. -- Jeff Greenfield, news analyst, describing the jury in the OJ Simpson murder trial, 1995
Flattery will get you everywhere.
All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow. -- Grant Wood
"I don't even know what street Canada is on." -- Al Capone
When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I've never tried before. -- Mae West
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
"I'd probably be famous now if I wasn't such a good waitress." -- Jane Siberry
"I wish it would snow so I didn't have to look at my blood." -- Ellie wishing to get out of Immunology lab so she wouldn't have to look at her blood under a microscope.
When the music of a state changes, the constitution will change too. -- Daimon
People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse." -- William Gilbert
If you have weird vegetarian friends it is best not to invite them to a barbecue. -- Scott Adams
"You've turned my son into a socialist!" -- My next-door neighbor, after I taught his two year old son to say "Mikhail Gorbechav".
"I'm not going to throw a piece of frosting encrusted cake in your direction" -- Dr. French
"As soon as questions of will or decision or reason or choice of action arise, human science is at a loss." -- Noam Chomsky
Who's the bigger liars, men or women? ... Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies. -- Chris Rock, "Bigger & Blacker"
"That smells good. I want some of that." -- Provolt, on a smell in his car
To draw, you must close your eyes and sing. -- Pablo Picasso
Your fortune stateth: Is that really YOU that is reading this?
"You know, there are a lot of dogs that are bigger than I am!" -- Ginny Lensing
"You know Matt, one day your car just isn't going to start" -- Aaron Handler, one day before Matt's car failed to start.
The violent have been victorious for most of history because they kindled the fear with which everyone is born. -- Theodore Zeldin, "An Intimate History of Humanity"
The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. -- G. K. Chesterton
My night has become a sunny dawn because of you. -- Inb Abbad
"On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good and not quite all the time." -- George Orwell
A good memory does not equal pale ink.
"Meetings are indispensable when you don't want to do anything." -- John Kenneth Galbraith
"Have you ever considered putting an impulse drive on your butt? Then you could get to class in two seconds." -- S. D. Gage
I bought a blank tape, took it home and played it at full volume. My neighbor complained. Turns out he's a mime. -- Steven Wright
I forget clothelines exis. You know, you don't really think about clotheslines.... -- Amanda
ADMIRATION, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. -- Ambrose Bierce
"The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
Remember, people will judge you by your actions, not your intentions. You may have a heart of gold -- but so does a hard-boiled egg. -- Anonymous
Everywhere I go, I'm asked if the universities stifle writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. -- Flannery O'Connor
A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author. -- G. K. Chesterton
PAINTING, n: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary", 1906
"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
Boy, n.: A noise with dirt on it.
Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
The phrase 'working mother' is redundant. -- Jane Sellman
Your fortune stateth: You will soon forget this.
Look ere ye leap. -- John Heywood
Your fortune stateth: Questionable day. Ask somebody something.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
"The fish was divided into three equal halves." -- Mr.Ameenullah, Chemistry teacher at Karachi Grammar School
"Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different." -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
"By appreciation, we make excellence in others our own property." -- Voltaire
"Hell is other people." -- Jean-Paul Sartre
The aim of science is not to open the door to infinite wisdom, but to set a limit to infinite error. -- Bertolt Brecht,
You may be hungry soon; order a takeout now. -- from Benji's latest fortune cookie
"Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia." -- Judith Viorst
Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. -- Woody Allen
"You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt." -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
To be mad at someone- that is easy. To be mad at the right person, for the right reason, at the right time and at the right degree- that is not easy" -- Aristotle
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. -- Robert Frost
Love is much like a wild rose, beautiful and calm, but willing to draw blood in its defense. -- Mark Overby
"The country has charms only for those not obliged to stay there." -- Edouard Manet
I don't care if it's barnyard animals. I just want you to want something. -- Father, upon finding that his son is gay.
"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." -- Mother Theresa
Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage. -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post
I feel like a defective model, like I came off the assembly line flat-out fucked and my parents should have taken me back for repairs before the warranty ran out. But that was so long ago. -- Elizabeth Wurtzel
Wisdom is the reward for a lifetime of listening... when you'd have preferred to talk. -- D.J. Kaufman
It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues. -- Abraham Lincoln
Your fortune stateth: You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
Your fortune stateth: Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here. -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
"Have you ever noticed that in the movies, whenever somebody buys something, they never wait for their change." -- Jesseca
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. -- Pogo, character in "Pogo," comic strip by Walt Kelly
Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can ever hope to acquire it.
"My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!" -- Henry YoungmanIf the work begins to look labored or inferior, drastic action is taken. I destroy the offending painting with wild swathes of paint. Most satisfying! What comes out of this spent energy is often an excellent painting. -- Ann Zielinski
AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!! You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
Who's on first?
Your fortune stateth: If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
"You know, maybe that was kinda stupid." -- My 18 year old friend, after slashing the tires of his parents' car for grounding him.
"Is that a circumsized circle?" -- Miles Travis, when asked to identify a circumscribed circle in geometry class.
"But I don't respect the song part of it! It's an audio torture device, like the Macarena and all that other bootie shaking music." -- Jason Holliman, talking about the Spice Girls hit, "Wannabe".
Evil will always triumph over good because good is dumb -- Dark Helmet, Space Balls
In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble. -- Alan Perlis
"Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies." -- Friedrich Nietzsche
"Happiness is the longing for repetition." -- Kundera
"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." --English Professor, Ohio University
Among a hundred men there is one who can think, but only one among a thousand can see. -- John Ruskin
Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely. -- Buddha
"Are you saying the forest isn't conducive to finding sticks?" -- Ryan McDavitt, at a bonfire
He who lives by fighting with an enemy has an interest in the preservation of the enemys' life. -- Neitzsche
Electrocution, n.: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
"What's that thing?" "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what it does. We call it a two-by-four." -- Jeff MacNelly, "Shoe"
Why do bunches of people run from a shark when they see one, if there is a bunch of people, and one of that shark, wouldn't it be easy to just attack him and kick his ass? -- Jack Handey
"Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment." -- Robert Benchley
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments." -- Earl Wilson
Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address.
Commitment, n.: Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
Not everything worth doing is worth doing well.
Quiet is what home would be without children. -- Anonymous
Your fortune stateth: Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand. -- Charles Pierce
When a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it. -- E. W. Howe
"Whoa, check out this tapestry...it's like the tree of life or the tree of knowledge or some s***." -- Mitch Thieman
...when we fight cold wind blows our way but we can learn like the trees-how to bend, how to sway and say I, I think I understand... -- Ani Difranco
At the end of the game, The king and the pawn go back in the same box. -- Italian Proverb
Ellie: "Do you have any two-headed friends?" Ellie's Mom: "Just you."
My roommate once called me to come pick her up, "Jos, come pick me up. Get my keys out of my purse and take the couch." -- Jos And Cam
Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies. -- Tim Robbins, "The Shawshank Redemption"
"Yes! The sad pathetic mutiny-inducing puppy face worked!" -- Ellie
"Useful tip: don't go too close to a black hole!" -- Dewayne and Ashley, thought up in physics.
Who would want to steal a steering wheel? -- Katy commenting on an ad for "The Club"
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
Multiple exclamation marks are a sure sign of a diseased mind. -- Terry Pratchett, "Eric"
"I was waiting for the universe to dispense some justice. Then I realized that the universe is too damn slow. But putting Nair in a shampoo bottle only takes a few minutes." -- Nancy
Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy. -- Publilius Syrus
College is for sleeping late, cutting class, and having sex. -- Jennifer Hendricks
The only courage that matters is the kind that gets you from one moment to the next. -- Mignon McLaughlin, "The Second Neurotic's Notebook"
"When men are pure, laws are useless; when men are corrupt, laws are broken." -- Benjamin Disraeli
During Government class: Phil: Shut up, Nick. Nick: It's not Nick, it's Detective.
"Patriotism is a pernicious, psychopathic form of idiocy." -- George Bernard Shaw
Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings. -- Anonymous
Even in a perfect world, where everyone was equal I'd still own the film rights and be working on the sequal -- Elvis Costello
The more horrifing the world becomes, the more art becomes abstract. -- Paul Klee
Love is a beautician. It can create beauty, but also illusion. True love is natural beauty. Everylasting, and never fake. -- Sarah Bianchi
(Debbie is angry at her four-year-old son for playing in an area with a "Don't Walk on the Grass" sign and pointing to it...) Debbie: What does that say? Aaron: Oh, that doesn't apply to me. I can't read everything yet.
Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. -- S. C. Johnson
"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender."
DIARY, n. A daily record of that part of one's life, which he can relate to himself without blushing. -- Ambrose Bierce
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. -- Aldous Huxley
"You, my boy, if you want to be a good pickpocket, need to learn how to tell a wallet from a maxipad." -- Jessica
"It was rock hard and I was trying to massage it." -- Sarah, recalling her bruised ankle.
Who are you?
"A word to the wise is unnecessary." -- La Rouchefoucauld
He was my North, my South, my East and West, My working week and Sunday rest, My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong. -- W. H. Auden
Keep on keepin' on.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idoits. So far, the Universe is winning. -- Rich Cook
What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork. -- Pearl Bailey
"This isn't going to stop me from speeding." -- Dianne, to the cop who pulled her over and wrote her a six-point ticket for doing 65mph in a 20mph school zone.
"Maybe if I drink some more, the score will change." -- Jason Holliman, at Molly's during the 4th Quarter of the 3rd Game in the playoffs of the Bulls-Bullets series (at the time the score was 81-90 in favor of the Bullets)
"Yeah, thrust all the responsibility on the woman why don't you?" -- Ellie, the only female in the room.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. -- Anonymous
"I want an evil twin! One that's as insane as me and would actually do evil twin sorts of stuff to me! That would be cool!" -- Ellie
"Most of the people who say New York is too violent have never even been there. And if they ever went, we'd destroy them in nine minutes." -- Nick
"I've always wanted to be Brigitte Bardot." -- Bob Dylan
"Most of all, perhaps, we need an intimate knowlege of the past. Not that the past has anything magical about it, but we cannot study the future." -- C.S. Lewis
"Prizes are for children." -- Charles Edward Ives
Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid. He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the Year award.
"That guest is dead now. She died of an overdose. Don't take offense." -- Ellie's ex, about a girl on Geraldo he thought looked like her.
My witness is the empty sky. -- Jack Kerouac
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
"Whosoever is delighted in solitude is either a wild beast or a god." -- Francis Bacon
Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
The infinite! No other question has ever moved so profoundly the spirit of man. -- David Searls
God is Dead. -- Nietzsche:  Nietzsche is Dead. -- God:  Nietzsche is God. -- Dead
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
Limericks are art forms complex, Their topics run chiefly to sex. They usually have virgins, And masculine urgin's, And other erotic effects.
If you want to build a ship, don't drum up the men to gather wood, divide the work, and give orders. Instead, teach them to yearn for the vast and endless sea. -- Antoine de Saint Exupery
Life's not fair, but the root password helps.
"I will not put my kitten in the toilet, even in the name of science!" -- Joyce, after Sarah suggested putting the cat in the toilet to see if it could swim, instead of keeping the lid down all the time.
Love is eternal. The aspect of it may change, but the essence remains the same. -- Vincent van Gogh
Batteries not included.
It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion. -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
Can you image me in England doing anything besides peeing? -- Alison
Time and tide wait for no man.
Genius, n.: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright".
"The closing years of life are like the end of a masquerade party when the masks are dropped." -- Arthur Schopenhauer
Your fortune stateth: You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
Oregon, n.: Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday night.
Here I sit with no one near, I'm cryyyying in my beer. Love love love just ain't a game I play. Oh no, love love love just ain't a game I play. -- The Queers
Have the courage to take your own thoughts seriously, for they will shape you. -- Albert Einstein
There are three ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself. 2. Hire someone to do it for you. 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
I love deadlines. I specially love the swooshing sounds they make as they fly by. -- Douglas Adams
Your fortune stateth: Are you sure the back door is locked?
Religion is the fashionable substitute for belief. -- Oscar Wilde
"Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. -- Anton Chekhov
Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop. -- Anonymous
It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations. -- Khalil Gibran
Throw my thoughts into the breeze one last time and watch them float away in waves of relief. Tomorrow...... I shall never think again for the burden is too much to bear. -- Jamie Stem
Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it. -- P. J. O'Rourke
There's no such thing as an original sin. -- Elvis Costello
Ellie's Mom: "Are you going to bed now?" Ellie: "But I'm not hungry!" (I was VERY tired at the time.)
"The great thing about human language is that it prevents us from sticking to the matter at hand." -- Lewis Thomas
Proof by accumulated evidence: Long and diligent search has not revealed a counterexample.
Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper. -- Unknown history student
"Life is like a box of chocolates. If it doesn't melt early, you'll eat too many and barf." -- Michelle Zalas, during a philosophy lecture
Your fortune stateth: You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
Your fortune stateth: Increased knowledge will help you now.  Have mate's phone bugged.
"Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
"Yeah, It's too bad you're in MMMJunior High. When you hit MMMPuberty, then we'll see if you still feel the same." -- Kate, after hearing some girls on MTV saying that anyone who doesn't like Hanson is 'MMMJealous'
Most convicted felons are just people who were not taken to museums or Broadway musicals as children. -- Libby Gelman-Waxner
I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours.
"If it was up your butt, you'd know it!" -- Ken, anytime he is asked where something is.
"Curiosity is the very basis of education and if you tell me that curiosity killed the cat, I say only the cat died nobly." -- Arnold Edinborough
Aaron: Man, I hate the letter "S"! Eric: Why? Aaron: 'Cause it's hard to write!
The world is so fast that there are days when the person who says it can't be done is interrupted by the person who is doing it. -- Anonymous
Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
He who loses money loses much; he who loses a friend loses muchmore; he who loses faith loses all. -- Anonymous
"Okay, so we'll set the ball off and it will go down the ramp. Then we'll explain why it didn't work." -- Whitney, discussing our physics project presentation.
But I don't have an "any key" on my computer!
Lake Erie died for your sins.
Spirtle, n.: The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in your eye. -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
Your fortune stateth: Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.
A dozen, a gross, and a score, Plus three times the square root of four, Divided by seven, Plus five time eleven, Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters. -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
Darryl, playing a game and trying to describe the wrong word: Darryl: We were just doing this in front of the Christmas Tree! Shannon: Photography! Dad: That's great, but the word was "Pornography".
"If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to." -- Dorothy Parker
"Soy Sauce!" -- The answer to every question in my Biology class
"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" asked the father of his little son. "Diet."
Paul: Hey Benji! Wake up! Benji: I'm naked. Paul: Okay. Want some hamburgers?
But i'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her. -- Julia Roberts, Notting Hill
Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters; united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels. -- Francisco Goya
More than kisses, letters mingle souls. -- John Donne
Many are called, few volunteer.
"You guys should start running outside more. You've been learning about this stuff in Biology class." [points to ceiling of gym) "Anaerobes." -- Mr. M., our cross country coach
Your fortune stateth: You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
You don't know what its like waking up in bed with TWO of your brother's friends.... -- me, after a passing out playing video games
"When people are bored, it is primarily with their own selves that they are bored." -- Eric Hoffer
"Anything too stupid to be said, is sung." -- Voltaire
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
"Oh god, it's like a rat with fur!!!!!" -- a friend at a party, regarding a yorkshire terrier.
What's done to children, they will do to society. -- Dr. Karl Menninger
The pollution's at that awkward stage. Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate. -- Doug Sneyd
"It's just not stimulating the right part of my brain." -- uttered by a close friend when asked about his job.
Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
"WHAT is that noise?" -- The response to the phone ringing at the Issaquah Crown Books store.
There's a hell of a good universe next door; let's go. -- e.e. cummings, "pity this busy monster, manunkind"
Put your Nose to the Grindstone! -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
It has always been the prerogative of children and half wits to point out that the emperor has no clothes. But the half wit remains a half wit and the emperor remains an emperor. -- Neil Gaiman, The Sandman
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. -- Jack Handey
"I don't believe in sweeping social change being manifested by one person, unless he has an atomic weapon." -- Howard Chaykin
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. -- Frank L. Visco, How to Write Good
"True, money _can't_ buy happiness, but it isn't happiness I want. It's money." -- Bizarro
Avoid all needle drugs. The only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon. -- Abbie Hoffman, "Steal This Book"
"Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones." -- Mike Barfield
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding. -- Proverbs 9:10
Its just like a new pair of underwear. At first its constricting, then it becomes a part of you. -- Garth Algar, "Wayne's World"
Let's Ban Humans. They All Suck Anyway. -- Unknown
"I am one of the unpraised, unrewarded millions without whom Statistics would be a bankrupt science. It is we who are born, who marry, who die, in constant ratios." -- Logan Pearsall Smith - US Writer
That you may see the meaning from within: It is being, it is being. -- John Lennon.
We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
Every now and then I turn it on again But it's plain to see that The radio still sucks. -- The Ataris
Hey, nice baby. Want another one? -- Ed Dusseault, on seeing an attractive mother
Fakir, n: A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
Ryan tries unsuccessfully to quit smoking during crew season: Ryan: I've got to quit smoking for crew! Lloyd: You know what your problem is? You're looking at this all wrong. See, you're doing crew to make your lungs bigger so you can smoke more!
"Hey, a good mop is hard to find" -- Missy, commenting on mom's new hairdo.
If you don't double-click me, I can't do anything. -- John Aniston, on how computers have taken over his life
I only wish to be the fountain of love from which you drink, every drop promising eternal passion. -- Anonymous
Are we not men?
According to my best recollection, I don't remember. -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
Art is made to disturb. Science reassures. There is only one valuable thing in art: the thing you cannot explain. -- G eorges Braque
The belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary, men alone are quite capable of every wickedness. -- Joseph Conrad
"happy happy joy joy oh fuck" -- hugh
Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected. -- Robert Orben
APHORISM, n. Predigested wisdom. -- Ambrose Bierce
Your fortune stateth: Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
The chicken and the egg were postmarked for the same day but arrived separately. -- Baisden
Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer.
PATRIOT, n. One to whom the interests of a part seem superior to those of the whole. The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors. -- Ambrose Bierce
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. -- Oscar Wilde
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
"I can't believe we spent forty bucks on beer and french fries" -- Matt, an MTU student, after an afternoon at the bar
I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?
Necessity has no law. -- St. Augustine
I'll grant the random access to my heart, Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove And in our bound partition never part. -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
Country is a way of life, not a style of dress -- Chrissy
Self Test for Paranoia: You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's your own fault.
He who laughs last is generally the last to get the joke. -- Terry Cohen
"Reflections on Ice-Breaking" Candy Is dandy But liquor Is quicker. -- Ogden Nash
"Goldilocks is about property rights. Little Red Riding Hood is a tale of seduction, rape, murder, and cannibalism." -- Bernard J. Hibbits
I don't know as much as God, but I know more than He did at my age. -- Henry Kissinger
Your fortune stateth: You will pass away very quickly.
There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for. -- Fred Hoyle
Adventure seeking slugs crossing the path of life -- watch your step! -- Julie J.
I'm feeling a bit Cubish.... -- K.T. ('The Salty One') while wondering what you called yourself if you were from Cuba.
Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw
The only thing that makes me believe in UFOs is that, sometimes I lose stuff. -- Jack Handey
SCRIBBLER, n. A professional writer whose views are antagonistic to one's own. -- Ambrose Bierce
Law of the Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
Your fortune stateth: You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.  Therefore you have few friends.
"A birth-control pill for men, that's fair. It makes more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bulletproof vest." -- Greg Travis, comedian
Nathan: "Professior Dember, you mind if I call you Bill?" Prof. Dember: "Yes"
The more powerful and original a mind, the more it will incline towards the religion of solitude. -- Aldous Huxley
The question isn't what are we going to do today, it's what aren't we going to do today -- Ferris Bueler'S Day Off
FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX!
Freedom is like drink. If you take any at all, you might as well take enough to make you happy for a while. -- Finley Peter Dunne
"Well, to be fair I did have a couple of gadgets he probably didn't, like a teaspoon and an open mind." -- The Doctor
"Dude, you should go work for the Empire. Even the most mediocre of pilots could kill you in his sleep." -- Joel to John, while playing X-Wing.
"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this." -- Emo Phillips
"A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures." -- Daniel Webster
Live TV died in the late 1950s, electronic bulletin boards came along in the mid-1980s, meaning there was about a 25-year gap when it was difficult to put your foot in your mouth and have people all across the country know about it. -- Mark Leeper
Your fortune stateth: Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
"I hate work, and I hate boys. That's why I don't do either of them. -- Mary B.
Vulnerant omnes, ultima necat. -- Old saying on Roman clocks
I don't envy myself right now. -- Benji, driving on the interstate.
"Man has his will, - but woman has her way." -- Oliver Wendell Holmes - US Writer
The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind. -- William James
I shall return. -- General Douglas MacArthur
Marty: "How is he different?" Karen: "He's not wearing gym shorts." -- Marty asking Karen about an old high school classmate she ran into.
"Well, an orgasm is part of an population, which is part of an ecosystem." -- Tammy, in science class.
We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be. -- Kurt Vonnegut
Why you trippin'?! -- Kate, after Angela tripped over a piece of broken sidewalk.
"A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation." -- H. H. Munro (Saki)
Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic
"The police tried to pull over the stolen truck, and arrest the suspect... we think for automobile theft." -- An on-the-spot reporter, while watching a live broadcast of a car chase through downtown Dallas.
"I expect nothing. I fear no one. I am free." -- Nikos Kazantzakis
Results are what you expect, and consequences are what you get. -- Anonymous
"The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so that they will believe they are as clever as he." -- Karl Kraus
"He hasn't an enemy in the world, and none of his friend like him." -- Oscar Wilde - about George Bernard Shaw
I think he's trying to kill me... -We all feel that way sometimes. -No, the boy is quite astute, I am in fact trying to kill him.... -- Scott Evil
Beifeld's Principle: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better looking and richer male friend.
"The chief product of an automated society is a widespread and deepening sense of boredom." -- Cyril Parkinson
Interpreter, n.: One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Silence is one great art of conversation. -- Anonymous
The innkeeper loves the drunkard, but not for a son-in-law. -- Yiddish Proverb
I don't do drugs. I am drugs. -- Salvador Dali
"Only I may have double standards." -- Curt
Your fortune stateth: 1 bulls, 3 cows.
Vision is the art of seeing things invisible. -- Jonathan Swift
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm beginning to believe it. -- Clarence Darrow
"The Spice Girls are like Microsoft. They are very popular, and you can't ignore them, but you try your best not to support them." -- Arbi
"No, Groucho is not my real name. I'm breaking it in for a friend." -- Groucho Marx (Julius Marx)
My goal in life is not to be quoted. -- Cheri
All things being equal, you are bound to lose.
A friend is always good to have, but a lovers kiss is better than angles raining down on me -- Dave Matthews
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together -- Herbert Prochnow
An expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less, until eventually he knows everything about nothing. -- Anonymous
"Paper has a genius for multiplication that cannot be equalled anywhere else in nature." -- Hugh Keenleyside
In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own incompetency -- The Peter Principle
A few tropical fish in the river of life would be cool. -- Andy Whitman
Jealousy is the only vice that gives no pleasure. -- Anonymous
[Pause. Looks around his desk. Picks up a bag of Fritos. Holds it out to Cheryl.] "Well... wanna chip?" -- Matt, after being castigated for forgetting Cheryl's birthday
"Usenet: a vast collection of people being polite to each other in the most creative possible ways!" -- James 'Kibo' Parry
First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
Drunk guy: What's that guy doing with that flashlight? Drunk girl: Maybe he's looking for UFOs. Drunk guy (a moment later): With a flashlight?
I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge. -- Edward Chilton
"I've had people lick MY eyeball... by accident." -- Mel
What do you mean, french fries aren't a food group? -- Melissa
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway! -- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature")
Every positive value has its price in negative terms...The genius of Einstein leads to Hiroshima. -- Pablo Picasso
"Music makes one feel so romantic - at least it always gets on one's nerves - which is the same thing nowadays." -- Oscar Wilde
PIETY, n. Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His supposed resemblance to man. -- Ambrose Bierce
To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up.
I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much. -- Carole Wallach.
"It is no longer my moral duty as a human being to achieve an integrated and unitary set of explanations for my thoughts and feelings." -- Bronwyn Davies
Take what you can use and let the rest go by. -- Ken Kesey
Include me out.
Your fortune stateth: You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause.
To be great is to be misunderstood. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Television is now so desperately hungry for material that they're scraping the top of the barrel." -- Gore Vidal
One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love. -- Sophocles
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. -- George Bernard Shaw
"Don't lick the fuse!" -- Megan "Don't question my dupe." -- Katie
Happiness is the only sanction of life; where happiness fails, existence remains a mad and lamentable experience. -- George Santayana
"To unbridled lust!" -- "Uncle Bear" giving a thanksgiving toast
Nice guys don't finish nice.
Use a pun, go to jail.
"Please assure me that you are all Republicans." -- Ronald Reagan - Rep. President - addressing his surgeons on being wheeled to the OR after an assassination attempt
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting. -- Gloria Leonard
"Ahh, fresh and clean. I am the anticrust." -- Thomas
The truth is just an exceptional lie. -- Philip Rodrigues
The first ten years I liked work, the second ten years I was indifferent, the third ten years they can bite me. -- Constant
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
"Never lose your sense of the superficial." -- Lord Northcliffe
Cause your not quite evil enough. Your semi-evil, your quasi-evil, your the margarine of evil, your the diet coke of evil, just one calorie, not "evil" enough -- Dr. Evil
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love -- Annie Hall
I'm not going to change the way I look or the way I feel to conform to anything. I've always been a freak. So I've been a freak all my life and I have to live with that, you know. I'm one of those people. -- John Lennon
You guys should teach your cats what to do if you have a heart attack. [short pause.] You know, right as I said that, I realized I just got a glass full of ice but forgot to put water in it. -- Andy
An artist discovers his genius the day he dares not to please. -- Andre Malraux
The job of the artist is always to deepen the mystery. -- Francis Bacon
If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a conclusion. -- William Baumol
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. -- Pablo Picasso
Although the course may change sometimes, rivers always reach the sea. -- Led Zeppelin, Ten Years Gone
Thinking is another attribute of the soul; and here I discover what properly belongs to myself. This alone is inseparable from me. I am--I exist: this is certain; -- Rene Descartes, "Discourse on Method and the Meditations, Meditation 2"
Enough is a feast -- Buddhist Proverb
Little Girl: Is that it? Mom: No, unless you like ketchup for a snack.
"People are much too solemn about things -- I'm all for sticking pins into episcopal behinds." -- Aldous Huxley
If you stand in one place long enough, the world will come to you. -- Chinese Proverb
Knocked, you weren't in. -- Opportunity
(Eating dinner at a friend's house, Laura accidently burps.) Friend's Dad: "You should be ashamed. You're an amateur."
We had gay robbers last night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture. -- Robin Williams
Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie).
If you rob a bank, and your pants fall down, its okay to laugh. and let your hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny. -- Jack Handey
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
"Reader, suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." -- Mark Twain
I'm a dork and she's so cool, I'm ugly she's beautiful, she's so smart I'm just a fool, and I just can't figure it out, I just can't undrstand, why does she love me? -- Jeffrie Fan Club
Flailing dinosaurs are a danger to everyone. -- Eric
"When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty." -- George Bernard Shaw
"Proper words in proper places make the true definiton of style." -- Jonathan Swift
Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing.
"So instead of Cinco de Mayo, it's going to be Cinco de...Cuatro." -- clueless DJ on 96.7 KHFI, Austin, TX
J: "My jacket doesn't fit right." O: "Maybe you could-" J: "You're right. I SHOULD staple my jacket to my pants." [And does so.]
"How can'st thou be out of breath, when thou hast the breath to say to me that thou art out of breath???" -- Juliet
There's something slurpy in your shoulders. -- Cheri
The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more important to do.
Mother Earth is not flat!
"A city is a large community where people are lonesome together." -- Herbert Prochnow
"You are bound and determined to cut off your head, despite your nose, aren't you." -- Colleen, to her niece
Like most endeavors, life is seriously over-advertised and under-funded. -- Anonymous
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter. -- Blaise Pascal
"I cannot imagine any condition which would cause this ship to founder. Modern shipbuilding has gone beyond that." -- E. I. Smith, Captain of the Titanic
"I didn't mean to do that. I thought it was a bathroom." -- Ryan
Men occassionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry on as if nothing had happened. -- Winston Churchill
"I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time." -- Steven Wright
"But I wasn't kissing her. I was whispering into her mouth." -- Chico Marx - to his wife when she caught him kissing a chorus girl
Thou hast the keys of Paradise, oh, just, subtle, and mighty opium! -- Thomas De Quincey
People only see what they are prepared to see. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Blake: "This is gay as hell." Dennis: "Don't sugar coat it." (during wedding pictures...)
November, n.: The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Billy: How long does the strobe effect last? Mark: What strobe effect? (The first time Billy succesfully tripped on acid, after having been staring into the naked face of a strobe light for the better part of an hour.)
"I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the time I found out that M&Ms really do melt in your hand..." -- Peter Oakley
"I am an agnostic; I do not pretend to know what many ignorant men are sure of." -- Clarence Darrow
"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown." -- Woody Allen
"Intellectual brilliance is no guarentee against being dead wrong." -- David Fasold
My interest in the future is because I am going to spend the rest of my life there. -- Charles F. Kettering
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. -- Robert Frost
LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
"Look, I made you a sperm!" -- Matt Maher at the mall's Food Court
If people were powered by chlorophyll, and you were stuck in the desert, you'd have to run around screaming just to keep from being overfed. -- Paul
Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. -- John F. Kennedy
You're in a fishbowl so make use of it, man. -- John Lennon
[Fumbiling around in the dark with my best friend and her boyfriend] K: Umm, Rich, that's not my bellybutton. R: Kate, that's not my finger.
"I sometimes think that God, in creating man, overestimated His ability." -- Oscar Wilde
May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds. -- Edward Abbey
"I like the word 'indolence'. It makes my laziness seem classy." -- Bern Williams
If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
"Between infinite and short there is a big difference." -- G.H. Gonnet
The purpose of a liberal education is to make one's mind a pleasant place to spend one's leisure. -- Anonymous
"It's all your fault!" -- Daniel "Fluffy"
"It is much easier to be critical than to be correct." -- Benjamin Disraeli
"In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it." -- Dave Thomas
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...." -- Carl Zwanzig
The two most abundant things in the universe are Hydrogren and stupidity. -- Harlan Ellison
"I'm no religion, thank God!" -- Ceree
Your fortune stateth: Be careful!  UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
Your fortune stateth: You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
"But that's no reason to put acid in a man's pants." -- excerpted from "Dressed up for Murder" by Gary Brandner
Don't get mad, get interest.
Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
"British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps." -- Peter Ustinov
A feeling that everything must end, the music, ourselves, the moon, everything. That if you get to the heart of things you find sadness for ever and ever, everywhere; but a beautiful silver saddness, like a Christ face. -- John Fowles, "The Collector"
Immortality -- a fate worse than death. -- Edgar A. Shoaff
My friend Mike, he straight ran out of VeeGee's with a case of beer! -- Shawn, explaining where beer comes from.
UGLINESS, n. A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue without humility. -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911
Everytime I paint a portrait I lose a friend. -- John Singer Sargent
"Take away the right to say 'fuck' and you take away the right to say 'fuck the government.'" -- Lenny Bruce
HERMIT, n. A person whose vices and follies are not sociable. -- Ambrose Bierce
"Statistics have shown that mortality increases in the military during wartime." -- Alphonse Allais
Becky: How come you can talk to guys about your interests and I can't? Emily: Because I'm not interested in cadavers? Becky (to Tristan): Is she right? Tristan: YES!
"In matters of conscience, the law of majority has no place." -- Mahatma Gandhi
Your fortune stateth: You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution.
"It's not good to leave blood laying around, Adam, it's not sanitary." -- Rachel
"Optimism is the content of small men in high places." -- F. Scott Fitzgerald
Families, when a child is born Want it to be intelligent. I, through intelligence, Having wrecked my whole life, Only hope the baby will prove Ignorant and stupid. Then he will crown a tranquil life By becoming a Cabinet Minister -- Su Tung-p'o
An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways. -- Isaac Asimov
"It is error alone which needs the support of government. Truth can stand by itself." -- Thomas Jefferson
"Revolution is a trivial shift in the emphasis of suffering." -- Tom Stoppard
Your fortune stateth: Long life is in store for you.
"Tell me about it stud" -- Grease
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems. -- Rene Decartes
If you have made mistakes, even serious ones, there is always another chance for you. What we call failure is not the falling down, but the staying down. -- Mary Pickford
Noncombatant, n.: A dead Quaker. -- Ambrose Bierce
Coach: Deborah, don't forget to breathe! Deborah: What? Oh, yeah, that. -- during crew practice.
"Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep." -- Fran Lebowitz
When the good times come around, they gallup in like wild horses. You just try to stay on them for as long as you can. And when they throw you off....you just wait in the shade until they come around again. -- Jimmy Buffett
Meader's Law: Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to everyone you know, only more so.
Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, And every vector dreams of matrices. Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: It whispers of a more ergodic zone. -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
I'm a real connoisseur you know... with the emphasis on 'sewer'. -- Bob
I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it. -- Thomas Jefferson
You'll never hear certain music again! -- Dirk
"if you are fat, no matter what you wear, nothing is going to make you sexier" -- Steve Austin( Not The Wrestler!)
"He early on let her know who is the boss. He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss." -- Anonymous
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal. -- Anonymous
"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices." -- William James
We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
Perfection does not exists - only the evolution towards it. -- Motto, Ferrari Formula One (1975-6)
"Half of the American people never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half." -- Gore Vidal
There is something to be said for sleep. Unfortunately, I'm too tired to say it. -- Emily
This from the man with the culinary expertise of a two headed goat! -- our RA, Bill, upon hearing a recommendation from my roommate, Tim.
When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary. -- Thomas Paine
"If the Justice Brandeis statue is supposed to represent Truth, what would it represent if an out-of-control jeep with the statue at the driver's seat plowed into a crowd of people?" -- S.D. Gage
A victorious army first wins and then seeks battle. A defeated army first battles and then seeks victory. -- Sun Tzu, "The Art of War"
Business is a lot like a game of tennis - those who serve well usually end up winning -- Anonymous
"After I die, I shall return to earth as a gatekeeper of a bordello and I won't let any of you - not one of you - enter!" -- Arturo Toscanini - Rebuking an incompetant orchestra
"One of the greatest labor saving inventions of today is tomorrow." -- Vincent T. Foss
A real leader faces the music, even when he doesn't like the tune. -- Anonymous
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
This here is the man behind the man behind the man! -- Trent,
"If God had meant us to vote, He would have given us candidates." -- Seen on a bumper sticker
I wish I was a guy, so that I could wear skirts. -- Quinci, when a skirt-wearing man walked by.
Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
"Check Enclosed" -- Dorothy Parker - her version of the two most beautiful words in English
Don't I know you?
The only reward of virtue is virtue. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
A soft drink turneth away company.
"Where's my thing?" -- Michelle Zalas, looking for her binder
"Freedom of the press is limited to those who own one." -- Abbott Joseph Liebling
"Life is a zoo in a jungle." -- Peter De Vries
"We need a president who's fluent in at least one language. " -- Buck Henry
"It has been discovered experimentally that you can draw laughter from an audience anywhere in the world, of any class or race, simply by walking onto a stage and uttering the words "I am a married man"." -- Ted Kavanugh - British radio scriptwriter
"You know what's great about history? It's full of ignorant people, incest, power struggles, corrupt people,and a whole lot of killing. Wait a minute! That's America." -- Jeremy Agnew
"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" -- Abraham Lincoln
Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers. -- Anonymous
"Open up guys! It's the pigs!" -- Neil (When He Was A Policeman)
Paranoid Club meeting this Friday. Now ... just try to find out where!
Flowers are words which even a baby can understand. -- Arthur C. Coxe
Your fortune stateth: Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.  Watch for it everywhere.
One of life's greatest pleasures is soggy blueberry muffins. -- Maria Dopheide
Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing. -- The Mad Dogtender
"Don't think he's interested anymore, but ... Nothing like indifference to rouse my interest." -- Julie
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
"Uhh...how long do I have to stay dead?" -- "Mmmbop" after being killed by "Kitik" in an online sim
All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost.
I'll tell you what's bizarre... that guy's eyebrows are bizarre. -- Neil's Mom, while watching an OMC video.
(Beth yawns really big and doesn't bother to cover her mouth.) Brad looking at her: "You're hired."
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it. -- Donald Knuth
"Nothing is more despicable than respect based on fear." -- Albert Camus
He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news. -- Bertolt Brecht
Your fortune stateth: Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
For everything you have missed, you have gained something else. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion. -- Chinese proverb
My half-asleep friend was lighting his cigarette with his eyes closed: Me: Your cigarette is backwards. Him: I hate when that happens. (He lights it anyway, without looking.)
Reality continues to ruin my life. -- Calvin
In a war of ideas, it is people who get killed. -- Anonymous
If I could only have one thing for the rest of my life? That's easy... PEZ, Cherry flavored PEZ, no question about it. -- Less Than Jake
Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instruction afterward.
Unwavering obedience to the true principals we learn will assure us spiritual survival. -- Anonymous
Furbling, v.: Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
"Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it." -- Gordon R. Dickson
Your fortune stateth: Just because the message may never be received does not mean it is not worth sending.
While one person hesitates because he feels inferior, the other is busy making mistakes and becoming superior. -- Henry C. Link
Since mechanically obtained randomness contains all kinds of possible permutations, including the most regular ones, it cannot be relied upon always to exhibit a pervasive irregularity. -- Rudolf Arnheim, "Entropy & Art"
On a bad day: Soup! Soup! I forgot how to spell the word soup! -- my friend Sam C., who really *is* a genius.
"Is that my hand? I hope that's my hand." -- a very drunk Paul B., with his hand over his face.
Don't force it, get a larger hammer. -- Anthony
"It's all just semantics until somebody loses an eye." -- Erin Lynn
Naeser's Law: You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
Genius is not a possession of the limited few, but exists in some degree in everyone. Where there is natural growth, a full and free play of faculties, genius will manifest itself. -- Robert Henri
I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely. -- Auguste Rodin
I think there are only three things America will be known for 2,000 years from now when they study this civilization: the Constitution, jazz music, and baseball. -- Gerald Early, writer, baseball documentary, 1994
Innovation is hard to schedule. -- Dan Fylstra
(In a semi-dark house...) Karen: AAAAAAAAHHH! Matthew: What?!? Karen: My hair got in my face and I thought I had run into something.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end. -- Igor Stravinsky
"A dollar saved is a quarter earned." -- John Ciardi
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman
Man consists of body, mind and imagination. His body is faulty, his mind untrustworthy, but his imagination has made him remarkable. -- John Masefield
-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. -- The Wall Street Journal
Coffee has two virtues: it is wet and warm. -- Dutch Proverb
POSITIVE, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice. -- Ambrose Bierce
"Death comes along like a gas bill one can't pay." -- Anthony Burgess
"If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?" -- George Deacon.
Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it. -- Douglas Adams
"One day the don't-knows will get in, and then where will we be?" -- Spike Milligan - remark about a pre-election poll
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." -- Albert Einstein
We look forward to the time when the power to love of will replace the love of power. Then will our world know the blessings of peace. -- William Gladstone
It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Nicky: The Virgin Mary was born on THAT day. She was the product of a virgin birth too. Me: Immaculate conception is not genetic.
"To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful." -- Bess Myerson
How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them.
"One form to rule them all, one form to find them, one form to bring them all and in the darkness rewrite the hell out of them." -- DEC, sendmail.cf
If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry. -- Chinese proverb
The real is always way ahead of what we can imagine. -- Paul Auster
"Crime does not pay ... as well as politics." -- Alfred E. Newman
The road to Hades is easy to travel. -- Bion
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them. -- Publilius Syrus
All of us had been trained by Kelly Johnson and believed fanatically in his insistence that an airplane that looked beautiful would fly the same way. -- Ben Rich, "Skunk Works"
"I don't like to eat... but I know I have to." -- Jeff
You know, art is the reason i get up in the morning, but my definition ends there, it doesn't seem fair that im living for something i can't even define, and there you are right there in the mean time. -- Ani Difranco
Truth can wait; he's used to it.
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.
The good die young - because they see it's no use living if you've got to be good. -- Anonymous
Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.
Summer is the time when one sheds one's tensions with one's clothes, and the right kind of day is jeweled balm for the battered spirit. A few of those days and you can become drunk with the belief that all's right with the -- Ada Louise Huxta
I am not a pessimist; to perceive evil where it exists is, in my opinion, a form of optimism. -- R. Leakey
If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe?
Isn't it strange how we move out lives for another day? Like skipping a beat, what if a great wave should wash us all away? -- Dave Mathews Band
Your fortune stateth: Be careful!  Is it classified?
To err is humor.
"My teeth itch!" -- Jason, to a waitress after a long night of imbibing, when she asked "How's eveything here?"
Your fortune stateth: You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
Property may be destroyed and money may lose its purchasing power; but, character, health, knowledge and good judgement will always be in demand under all conditions. -- Roger Babson
Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. -- Clive James
Serious people have few ideas. People with ideas are never serious -- Paul Valery
"I hate it when those things fly out of my brain!" -- Mrs L., our calculus teacher, actually referring to random mistakes.
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.
"The real fact is that I could no longer stand their eternal cold mutton." -- Cecil Rhodes - explaining why he had left his friends in England and came to South Africa
Even the lion has to defend himself against flies. -- Anonymous
Your fortune stateth: A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
"I am the ultimate grand master of reverse continuity, and you wanna know why? Because there is no roman numeral for zero." -- Ellie
"It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value." -- Arthur C. Clarke
"No, no, no. Lobotomy scars are horizontal; axe wounds are vertical." -- Jason Gorton
"Bring the little ones unto me, and I will get a good price for them." -- Dr. Fegg's Encyclopeadia of _All_ World Knowledge
"I feel like a slug." -- Terry, lethargically. I hit him.
"Do you happen to have a stomach pump with you?" -- a diner at McDonald's
I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance.
"Why is this book called, 'Arthur Miller The Crucible'?" -- Bree Sidebottom
They should do a naked library run here. It'd be warmer than the quad run, and people could sit in the carrels and watch people run by. Or they could have a day when you have to be naked to go in the library -- I bet it'd be really crowded. -- Deborah
Television: A medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done. -- Ernie Kovacs
Who's General Failure and why's he reading my disk? -- Anonymous
Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much?
Ms. Asher: Does anyone have an art project? Vijay: Yes, but it's invisible. Ms Asher: Well, do you have it with you? Vijay: No. It's at home.
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy. -- Leo Buscaglia
I am become death, shatterer of worlds. -- Robert J. Oppenheimer, citing from the Bhagavadgita, after witnessing the world's first nuclear explosion
The unfortunate thing about this world is that the good habits are much easier to give up than the bad ones. -- W. Somerset Maugham
"Tourists -- have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay?	I was hitchhiking." -- David Letterman
"Excuse my dust" -- Dorothy Parker - Epitaph
To educate a man is to unfit him to be a slave -- Fredrick Douglass
When in doubt, use brute force. -- Ken Thompson
There are only two classes - first class and no class -- David O. Selznick
The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach their children to speak it. -- G. B. Shaw
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box. -- Italian proverb
"Since both of its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solelly in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by." -- Alan Coren - British humorist and writer - on Switzerland
Architecture is the art of how to waste space. -- Philip Johnson
Oh my god, he DOES look like a meatloaf! -- Becky H., the first time she saw my cat
Hmmm. . . eternal happiness for one dollar? I'd rather keep the dollar. -- Burns
"The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it." -- Abbie Hoffman
"The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them." -- Vince
"I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?" -- Jean Kerr
Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
"Every man alone is sincere. At the entrance of a second person, hypocrisy begins." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"It is important to go through the steps to appreciate the impending apocalypse." -- Astronomy Prof Balbus, discussing supernovas.
Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde.
I loathe that low vice curiosity. -- Lord Byron
Alana (in costume for a play): "Look, I get to wear medieval underwear!" Allyson: "That's not medieval underwear. They had to wear corsets." Alana: "You're just jealous 'cuz I get to wear medieval underwear and you don't."
"Morning has broken me" -- my wife on Monday morning
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
Sometimes the truth hurts. And sometimes it feels real good. -- Henry Rollins
I believe a leaf of grass is no less than the journey-work of the stars. -- Walt Whitman
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
"I dunno. I just worry that he'll be experiencing my teeth." -- Beth, doing some deep thinking about kissing.
"For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision." -- Kelvin Throop III
Dylan is about the individual against creation. Beethoven is about one man's fist in the lightining clouds, Allen Ginsburg is about a confused mind writing down newspaper headlines from Mars! -- Allen Ginsburg- "is about"
He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
As you were, I was. As I am, you will be -- "Hell's Angels", Hunter S. Thompson
You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. -- F. Allen
VOTE, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country. -- Ambrose Bierce
CLERGYMAN, n. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of better his temporal ones. -- Ambrose Bierce
Nothing spoils fun like learning out it builds character. -- Calvin
My advice to you is to get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy: if not, you'll become a philosopher -- Socrates
You can fool too many of the people too much of the time. -- James Thurber
Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean. Tears from the depth of some divine despair Rise in the heart and gather to the eyes, In looking on the happy autumn-fields, And thinking of the days that are no more. -- Alfred Lord Tennyson
"#3532. The law neither does nor requires idle acts." -- California Civil Code, "Maxims of Jurisprudence"
"That girl's so skinny, she'd have to stand up twice to make a shadow!" -- Jean Williams, about a co-worker.
"Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made." -- Jean Giraudoux
If we were not all so interested in ourselves, life would be so uninteresting that none of us would be able to endure it. -- Schopenhauer
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious." -- William Feather
The strength of the genie comes from being in a bottle -- Richard Wilbur In Time
Why are you smashing up saucers, Rick? Your prints on 'em? I know just how you feel, man, y'dig? Sometimes saucers used to make me pretty angry too. Yeah, there's a lotta heads buried at the bottom of the garden because of a saucer in the works. -- Mike
You can call her an outdoor girl if she has the bloom of youth on her cheeks and the cheeks of youth in her bloomers. -- Anonymous
"It is true greatness to have in one the frailty of a man and the security of a god." -- Seneca
"I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last." -- Elvis Costello
Don't feed the bats tonight.
You won't see me surrender, you won't hear me confess, 'cause you left me with nothing, but I;ve worked with less... -- Ani Difranco
You are educated when you have the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or self-confidence. -- Robert Frost
If law school is so hard to get through... how come there are so many lawyers? -- Calvin Trillin
Your fortune stateth: You are capable of planning your future.
I like life... it's a pretty good deal. (a few seconds later) Well, not for everyone, but for me. -- Devon
Things are more like they are now than they have ever been before. -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
An artist, under pain of oblivion, must have confidence in himself, and listen only to his real master: Nature -- Auguste Renoir
"I'm not bitter, just vengeful." -- Paula
"When the least they could do to you was everything, then the most they could do to you suddenly held no terror." -- Terry Pratchett, Small Gods_
I had ambition, by which sin The angels fell; I climbed, and step by step, oh Lord, Ascended into Hell -- W. H. Davies, Ambition
And it even has my name signed in it... with the S spelled backwards and everything.... I guess that would be "written backwards" -- I would have been a pretty dumb kid to misspell an S. -- Celestial Voice
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? -- Abraham Lincoln
Idiot Box, n.: The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Good taste is the enemy of creativity. -- Pablo Picasso
When I think of New York, I think of a giant infant playing with high explosives -- Henry Miller
It's easy to have faith as long as it goes along with what you already know. -- Tom Wolfe, "The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test"
My Karma ran over your dogma. -- Anonymous
CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him. -- Ambrose Bierce
"I thought about becoming a communist tonight, but then I realized I'd have to share my beer." -- Erik Voigt
We regard God as an airman regards his parachute; it's there for emergencies but he hopes he'll never have to use it. -- C.S. Lewis
I lost my Oscar virginity to four girls and Dave Moore. -- Matt
Marriage is like a box of chocolates. You have to squeeze a few bottoms to make sure you like what you are getting. -- Anonymous
"We are at times too ready to believe that the present is the only possible state of things." -- Marcel Proust
"Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture on a rock." -- New York Times
kids -- Use "children," unless you are talking about goats. -- The Associated Press Stylebook
To love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. -- Eric Fromm
"I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time." -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe." -- Jimmy Durante
"Print is the sharpest and the strongest weapon of our party." -- Joseph Stalin
"I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting... bored." -- David Wrensen (a.k.a. Nose Pick), on a very boring day.
"What luck for the rulers that men do not think." -- Adolf Hitler
Finagle's Fourth Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. -- H. L. Mencken
If you know the answer to a question, don't ask. -- Petersen Nesbit
DEFENSELESS, adj. Unable to attack. -- Ambrose Bierce
Do not count your chickens before they are hatched. -- Aesop
Go not to Usenet for counsel, for it will say both no, and yes, and no, and yes....
"Let's blow this duck out of the water and make it fly!" - - Dan and Lloyd, referring to their 18 month effort to start a company.
Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue. -- Virginia Woolf
Dear God, you are dredging up muck from the bottom of my brain lake. -- Jody LaFerriere
Nothing is so loud as hearing when we lie -- Toad The Wet Sprocket - All I Want
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages." -- H.L. Mencken
"I can't afford a new car. As for used cars, well, I already have one of those." -- Paul's Grandfather
If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched, then this sentence would not be false.
"Only a brain-damaged operating system would support task switching and not make the simple next step of supporting multitasking." -- George McFry
"It is wrong always, everywhere and for everyone to believe anything upon insufficient evidence." -- W.K. Clifford
"It's work that makes it suck." -- Pamela Ceccanti-Harris, while counting her blessings
Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better. -- Samuel Beckett
"Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat." -- Jim Davis - Garfield
I don't understand you anymore.
Sin is a dangerous toy in the hands of the virtuous. It should be left to the congenitally sinful, who know when to play with it and when to let it alone. -- H. L. Mencken
"Schizophrenia beats being alone." -- Anonymous
I have a confession... (pause) Well, not so much a confession -- just something to talk about. -- Karen
True greatness consists in the use of a powerful understanding to enlighten oneself and others. -- Voltaire
Do not sit on a mad cat.I learned that the hard way. -- Googiey
"Martyrdom has always been a proof of the intensity, never of the correctness of a belief." -- Arthur Schnitzler
The greatest spiritual truths, with the greatest ability to transform our lives, are often the ones that look superficially like the twisted and sick rantings of a permanently-adolescent mental inadequate. -- Pastor N. Pizzor
The charm of history and its enigmatic lesson consist in the fact that, from age to age, nothing changes and yet everything is completely different. -- Aldous Huxley
It ought to be impossible for someone to kick your butt when you're down and out and your back's against the wall, but it's not. -- S. Joslin
The frontiers are not east or west, north or south, but wherever a man "fronts" a fact. -- Henry David Thoreau, "Walden"
If a fool persists in his folly he shall become wise. -- William Blake
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -- Eleanor Roosevelt
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
Why don't you write book