Sources/Info: "The Quotes 'R' Us" database. Retreived: 28 December 2004 / 23 Feburary 2005 / 14 October 1997. Source: http://tinyurl.com/y463t9
"UNIX fortune command default database: Miscellaneous, Fortunes, Platitudes". Retreived: Sun 25 July 2004. UNIX fortune source: http://tinyurl.com/2wgann
".sig Quotes" Retrieved: Sun 25 July 2004. Source: http://tinyurl.com/yy2wqm
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"The Quotations Archive". Retreived: Saturday 2 December 2004 (estimated). Source: http://tinyurl.com/yx6qul
"World of Quotes: Anonymous quotes". Retrieved: 15 January 2007. Source: http://tinyurl.com/v2y6c
"Collected Quotes from Albert Einstein". Retrieved 28 May 2007. Source: http://tinyurl.com/5kkgm
"The Quote Cache". Retrieved 28 May 2007. Source: http://tinyurl.com/lxe6l
"The Funny Quotes Archive V3". Retrieved 17 June 2007. Source: http://tinyurl.com/ysnn52
"Aaron Fuegi's Fortunes page". Retrieved 20 June 2007. Source: http://tinyurl.com/24hbv9
Sources have been modified from their original versions. Permission was granted where needed to use database sources.
Quotes in this database may be unsuitable for children. This is the latest version of the database as of 13/07/2007. End Sources/Info.
The aim of every artist is to arrest motion, which is life, by artificial means and hold it fixed so that a hundred years later, when a stranger looks at it, it moves again since it is life. -- William Faulkner
Not failure, but low aim, is crime. -- James Russel Lowell
"I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability." -- Oscar Wilde
I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
"Shut up, forks!" -- Jennie "Olga"
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -- Eleanor Roosevelt
Guilty by association, Judged by who I know...If I couldn't keep all my friends I have trouble with, I've got no place to go! -- H2o
Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. -- Oscar Levant
"Nature is a revelation of God; Art a revelation of man." -- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art. -- Tom Stoppard, "Artist Descending a Staircase"
When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a nose bleed, which usually cures them of _that. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
"Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind." -- Terry Pratchett, _Reaper Man_
"The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it." -- James Agate
"Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business." -- Tom Robbins
The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be. -- Lao Tsu
I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
Scott's second Law: When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been wrong in the first place. Corollary: After the correction has been found in error, it will be impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.
Ellie:"Of course she wouldn't like you! You turned her into a McDonalds!" Ellie's Ex: "I only did that 'cause she said she hated their food."
"That's GOTTA be a cathedral. It has those DUDES on it." "Jess, that's Jesus." -- Jess and Mel in London
Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
"If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?" -- Anonymous
To understand is to perceive patterns. -- Isaiah Berlin
I want to kill this waitress shes worked here a year longer than i, if i did it fast you know thats an act of kindness, but i believe in peace i believe in peace bitch -- Myra Ellen Amos
'Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all. -- Alfred, Lord Tennyson, In Memoriam, 1850, line 27, stanza 4
Sturgeon's Law: 90% of everything is crud.
Author: A fool, who, not content with having bored those who have lived with him, insists on tormenting the generations to come. -- Montesquieu
If my head was a bowl with my mouth in the bottom I would drown in the rain -- Kevin Mason
"If at first you don't succeed, quickly deny you were even trying." -- Daniel "Fluffy"
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Your word choice is so limited and pathetic. My vocabulary, on the other hand, is as good as... like... whatever. -- Jon
Dawn: When men of reason go to bed. -- Ambrose Bierce
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're smiling and everyone around you is crying. -- Anonymous
Micro Credo: Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
Probably the worst thing about having King Kong go rampid in your town would be the huge, monster genitalia. -- Jack Handey
"Too crowdy. Use frash." -- Jen's grandfather's very expensive talking Japanese camera on a typical overcast Seattle day
Kim: "I laughed so hard I peed my pants." Jason: "Really?"
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. It's even harder if you're dealing with the wrong end of the horse. -- D. French
Ellie, age 7, doing homework: "Simple subject!" Ellie's brother, age 4: "What a bummer."
The church is the great lost and found department. -- Robert Short
Yinkel, n.: A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Your fortune stateth: You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
Without music to decorate it, time is just a bunch of boring production deadlines or dates by which bills must be paid. -- Frank Zappa
It has bothered me all my life that I do not paint like everybody else. -- Henri Matisse
Maybe you're not an ugly human being but a good looking ape... with exceptional verbal skills. -- Upright Citizens Brigade
Style, like the sheer silk underwear, sometimes hides eczema. -- Albert Camus
Murphy's Discovery: Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in trouble!
The only weapon that becomes sharper with constant use is the tongue. -- Anonymous
"Advertising may be described as the science of arresting human intelligence long enough to get money from it." -- Stephen Butler Leacock
Missy: "Mr. Balfour, you don't like me very much, do you?" Mr. Balfour: "In all my 30 years of teaching, I've never liked a student."
Since we're all here, we must not be all there. -- Bob "Mountain" Beck
Name's Barf. I'm a Mog, half man half dog. I'm my own best friend -- Spaceballs
Grandpa Charnock's Law: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
cashier: You from 'round here? Heather: Yes. cashier: You from North Carolina? Heather: Yeah. cashier: You American? Heather: No.
I've had to guess at her, sewing her skin together as I sew mine, though with a different stitch. -- Adrienne Rich
A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a "round tuit" now has no excuse for further procrastination.
"Well I have been here so long that if there was a way I could open it I could have found it by now" -- Ellie
"On the other hand, you have different fingers." -- Stephen Wright
If a tree falls down in the middle of a big forest, and nobody is there to see it or hear it happen, will McDonald's get away with it? -- Mat
Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your chairs.
Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that the stuff life is made of. -- Benjamin Franklin
"What do you call a cross between a turtle and a horse? A Turtlehorse!" -- Peter S.
Help! I've forgotten how to think! -- Taylor on a late night chat
It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something. -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
"Television? No good will come of this device. The word is half Greek and half Latin." -- C.P. Scott - British Journalist.
You've taken my thinking, my means of survival. You thrust in my hand your gun and your Bible. You told me to kill for the Lord up above. You taught me to hate when I know there is LOVE. -- Crass
"Books... will... protect... us... must... be... with... the books..." -- Jen, at the decision to meet someone at Barnes & Noble
Your fortune stateth: You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to?
Every man knows his follies and often they are the most interesting thing he has got. -- Josh Billings
LABOR, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. -- Ambrose Bierce
Numbers are like people; torture them enough and they'll tell you anything. -- Anonymous
Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go. -- T. S. Eliot
"I'm a nymphomaniac of the heart." -- Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Garter, n.: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"Morality is the herd-instinct of the individual." -- Friedrich Nietzsche
The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself. -- Sir Richard Francis Burton
Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. Violators will be prosecuted. (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
I've just discovered this thing called daylight. -- a HotWired sysadmin, a few days after quitting.
Forgetfulness, n.: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.
Mathematics, rightly viewed, posses not only truth, but supreme beauty -- a beauty cold and austere, like that of sculpture. -- Bertrand Russell
"There is hope, but not for us." -- Franz Kafka
REASON, v.i. To weight probabilities in the scales of desire. -- Ambrose Bierce
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite. -- Paul Dirac
Ifi can't dance, I don't want your revolution. -- Emma Goldman
METROPOLIS, n. A stronghold of provincialism. -- Ambrose Bierce
A good marriage is at least 80 percent good luck in finding the right person at the right time. The rest is trust. -- Nanette Newman, British actress
Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London: Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat.
That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest. -- Henry David Thoreau
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need. -- Francois-Auguste Rodin, when asked how he managed to make his remarkable statues
"But you shall not escape my iambics." -- Gaius Valerius Catullus
The church is close, but the road is icey. The bar is far, but I will walk carefully. -- Russian Proverb
When you fall , you damage when you fall in love with somebody your love for them stays with you forever if you fall out of love, you where never really in love once you fall, you can't fall out of it, you only fall. -- Anonymous
$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
ARREST, v.t. Formally to detain one accused of unusualness. -- Ambrose Bierce
"Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination." -- Oscar Wilde
Your fortune stateth: Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
Excellent time to become a missing person.
A fool and your money are soon partners.
Great music is that which penetrates the ear with facility and leaves the memory with difficulty. Magical music never leaves the memory. -- Sir Thomas Beecham
"That's life, you've always got to convert something." -- Mr. Rollings, physics teacher and the smartest man in the world.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone. -- Anthony Burgess
Mr. Scott: "So if you were a chemist for a major company, you would be aiming for about zero to two percent error." Mike: "What would they say to 100% error?" Mr. Scott: "They'd probably frown upon that."
He who hesitates is last.
Stolen kisses are always sweetest. -- Leigh Hunt
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
"Dictators ride to and fro upon tigers which they dare not dismount. And the tigers are getting hungry." -- Winston Churchill
Don't laugh, it's not funny it's hysterical! -- Jeff, a CMU student
I hit him to get his attention. I shot him to calm him down I killed him to reason with him. -- Henry Rollins
He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes.
I feed on the flesh of the living -- and I vote.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Why do seagulls live near the sea? 'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls.
"A room without books is like a body without a soul." -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
Truth is eternal. Knowledge is changeable. It is disastrous to confuse them. -- Madeleine L'Engle
Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
Your fortune stateth: You will be dead within a year.
That's the way things come clear. All of a sudden. And then you realize how obvious they've been all along. -- Madeleine L'Engle, "The Arm of the Starfish"
Intel has announced its next chip: the Repentium. -- Anonymous
I have more hit points that you can possible imagine.
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once. -- Anonymous
"If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me." -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
Do not go where the path may lead instead go where there is no path and leave a trail. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Your fortune stateth: Keep it short for pithy sake.
The generous and bold have the best lives. -- Poetic Edda, a compilation, ca. 1200 AD, of earlier Icelandic poems (19)
"I had the coolest dream last night! I was on this boat... and... well... that's all I can remember.... but I was definitely on a boat!" -- Kate
If you want anything done well, do it yourself. This is why most people laugh at their own jokes. -- Bob Edwards
"This time next year we'll be tanned muscle-bound aikido-master genius stud philosophers." -- A. M. Heublein
Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
"Hey! It's my fabulous patented Moon Waffle!" -- Chris Cotton (a la Homer Simpson)
I don't think any of me is all there. Where's "there," anyway? -- Deborah
That looks like a bowling ball with a butt crack. -- Melissa, referring to Sarah's plum.
Majority, n.: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
Emily: "Asher. That's such a cool name! What's your last name?" Asher: "Pimplefart." Emily: "Oh... wow."
"If angels existed, they'd probably be considered big game." -- Don Swain
Jazz is My Adventure -- Thelonius Monk
"I didn't think; I experimented." -- Wilhelm Roentgen
"Next time I eat fries, I'm gonna do it naked." -- Julie
If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.
"Conceptions without experience are void; experience without conceptions is blind." -- Albert Einstein
You have to be a bastard to make it and The Beatles were the biggest bastards in the world! -- John Lennon
What could be more repellent than to suffer the limitation of others as a desperat alternative to gazing singly at our own? -- Alain de Botton, "The Romantic Movement"
"There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself." -- Johann Sebastian Bach
Jen: Why haven't you eaten your candy? Julie: That's not candy. Jen: Why haven't you eaten your beads?
"If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts." -- Albert Einstein
Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
I see "subvert", but I think "submit". -- Adam M.
The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing. -- Blaise Pascal, Pensees, trans. A.J. Krailsheimer
Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
"Oh, wait... I got to get into the sun... AAAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGHHHH!!!!" -- Bill, dealing with brain freeze after eating a Mr. Icee.
There's a part of every living thing that wants to become itself: the tadpole into the frog, the chrysalis into the butterfly, a damaged human being into a whole one. That is spirituality -- Ellen Bass
I do it for the joy it brings, cause I'm a joyful girl. Cause the world owes us nothing, we owe each other the world. -- Ani Difranco
"With a name like Vixxxen, didn't her parents know she was going to grow up to be a porn star?" -- Wayne, while watching Jerry Springer.
Proof by omission: The reader may easily supply the details. The other 253 cases are analogous.
"The best thing about computers is that they fly around the room when you get real mad at them." -- Joe Ely Carrales, III
"Society exists only as a mental concept; in the real world there are only individuals. -- Charley Reese
"Why mix!?" -- Andres, after a long night of mixing increasingly less lemonade with his Everclear.
The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.
Sleeping is no mean art: for its sake one must stay awake all day. -- Friedrich Nietzsche
When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. -- P. J. O'Rourke
The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop and take a rest.
Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
Your fortune stateth: You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider.
Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. -- Wernher von Braun
I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
A man who has a why to live for, can bear almost any how. -- From Victor E Frankl , "Man's Search for Meaning"
Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does. -- Sartre
Soul meets soul on lovers lips. -- Percy Bysshe Shelley
Why would anyone want to be called "Later"?
Fasion is what goes out of fashion. -- Jean Couteau
Always do what you want, and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind -- Dr. Suess
They have come up with a perfect understanding. He won't try to run her life, and he won't try to run his, either. -- Anonymous
"I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence." -- Doug MacLeod
Happiness is good health and a bad memory. -- Ingrid Bergman
"All I can say is that I'm glad I didn't invest in a lot of those 'Straight not Narrow' pins." -- me, upon deciding that I'm queer
I don't know exactly what democracy is. But we need more of it. -- Anonymous Chinese Student, during protests in Tianamen Square, Beijing, 1989
100 per cent of us die, and the percentage cannot be increased. -- C.S. Lewis, "The Weight of Glory"
The death of a friend is equivalent to the loss of a limb. -- German Proverb
"Freedom comes from human beings, rather than from laws and institutions." -- Clarence Seward Darrow
"To live outside the law you must be honest." -- Bob Dylan
If you want me with you on the landing; you have to include me on the take-off. -- Vincent Scalia,Dean College of Health and Human Sciences University of Northern Colorado
"The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage." -- Mark Russell
"In a disastrous fire in President Reagan's library, both books were destroyed. And the real tragedy is that he hadn't finished coloring one." -- Jonathan Hunt - New Zealand Politician
Gods are fragile things; they may be killed by a whiff of science or a dose of common sense. -- Chapman Cohen
If I had been around when Rubens was painting, I would have been revered as a fabulous model. Kate Moss? Well, she would have been the paintbrush... -- Dawn French
But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. -- Carl Sagan
Have you locked your file cabinet?
When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you -- Lao-Tzu
Art does not reproduce the visible; rather, it makes visible. -- Paul Klee
"You're gonna eat this!" -- Jimmy, 5 years old, stuffing grass in a turtle's shell.
"Whoso would be a man must be a nonconformist." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"I have crap on my pants! ... Not REAL crap, mind you." -- Jess R.
When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!" -- Turkish proverb
Your fortune stateth: You will live to see your grandchildren.
"Art should never try to be popular. The public should try to make itself artistic." -- Oscar Wilde
Dyslexia means never having to say that you're ysror.
Any self-respecting punk rocker knows that christian punk is an oxymoron! -- Somebody Special
"I came from a disadvantaged home. They were Republicans." -- Paul Tsongas
What we call Man's power over Nature turns out to be a power exercised by some men over other men with Nature as its instrument. -- C.S. Lewis
Rock gives children, on a silver platter, with all the public authority of the entertainment industry, everything their parents always used to tell them they had to wait for until they grew up and would understand later. -- Allan Bloom
The trouble with children is that they are not returnable. -- Quentin Crisp
There was a young lady from Hyde Who ate a green apple and died. While her lover lamented The apple fermented And made cider inside her inside.
One good turn deserves another. -- Gaius Petronius
"If you can't annoy somebody, there's little point in writing." -- Kingsley Amis
When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
One of the first conditions of happiness is that the link between Man and Nature shall not be broken. -- Leo Tolstoy
Tact, n.: The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
Your fortune stateth: Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; Don't forget to leave a tip.
Your fortune stateth: Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented it wasn't worth doing.
Your fortune stateth: Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous.
I would never want to be reincarnated as a jar of Vasoline. -- Jon
What is my loftiest ambition? I've always wanted to throw an egg at an electric fan. -- Anonymous
Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours." -- Robert Byrne
...a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing... -- Thomas Jefferson
"...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said 'A truck!'..." -- Emo Philips
BAROMETER, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having. -- Ambrose Bierce
Math is like going to the bathroom; you don't necessarily _enjoy_ it, but everyone's gotta do it from time to time. -- Roy Hartzler, high school physics teacher
"But my tongue was hot..." -- 3-year-old Jared's response to his mother when told not to stick his tongue out at other people.
Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing. -- Oscar Wilde
The police are not here to create disorder, they're here to preserve disorder" -- Former Chicago Mayor Daley During The Infamous 1968 Convention
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it. -- Moses Hadas, book reviewer
Perfection means not perfect actions in a perfect world, but appropriate actions in an imperfect one. -- R. H. Blyth
Kevin: (gagging noises) Man, this stuff is pretty tasteless! Me: Take the wrapper off. -- Kevin eating his first tamale, which are usually wrapped in corn husks to keep them fresh.
"I envy people who drink -- at least they know what to blame everything on." -- Oscar Levant
"A large section of the intelligentsia seems wholly devoid of intelligence." -- G. K. Chesterton
"Andrew is so incredibly reliable that almost any printing command will work, as long as it is long and complex enough..." -- Nathaniel Borenstein
Your fortune stateth: Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
All is well, practice kindness, heaven is nigh. -- Jack Kerouac
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
Matt: "Wow, that girl in the lime green thong isn't wearing a top." John: "Uh Matt, that's not a girl."
"Say Cheesesticks!" "Cheesesticks!" "Whiskey!" -- Food demonstration ladies getting their picture taken the day before Wal-Mart Supercenter in DeKalb, Illinois opened (4/22/97)
Devin: "You really hit the nose on the head that time." Tomas: "Did you just say hit the NOSE on the head?" [Pause] Devin: "God, I hope not." Gary: "Well, hitting it anywhere else would just be stupid."
"I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again." -- Bart Simpson
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men. -- Martin Luther King Jr.
"When solving a 'panic' you must first ask yourself what you were doing that could possibly frighten an operating system." -- Peter van der Linden
"'You can't trample infidels when you're a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look.'" -- Terry Pratchett, _Small Gods_
The emotions are sometimes so strong that I work without knowing it. The strokes come like speech. -- Vincent van Gogh
I've never been in Spain... well, I was in Brussels for 5 hours. -- Karen
Even in the desolate wilderness, stars can still shine. -- Aoi Jiyuu Shiroi Nozomi
"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
"Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence." -- Henry Louis Mencken
Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
The best known evil is the most tolerable. -- Titus Livy
"You want a Poo-poo Platter?" "No, man...pull your pants up, I didn't come here for that sorta thing." -- Chris Cotton (at China Dragon one night)
There are children playing in the street who could solve some of my top problems in physics, because they have modes of sensory perception that I lost long ago. -- J. Robert Oppenheimer
"All Bibles are man-made." -- Thomas Alva Edison
Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes. -- Mahatma Gandhi
"Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them." -- James Thurber
"Is not life a hundred times too short for us to bore ourselves?" -- Friedrich Nietzsche
"Ron and Nancy got the house, but Sid and Nancy rule." -- Dar Williams
"You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct." -- W. Somerset Maugham
Indie sux, hardline sux, emo sux, you SUCK! -- Anti-Flag
"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!"
"Julie, why do we have to be relatives?" -- As Julie rests her head on a male cousin's shoulder.
Science is always wrong. It never solves a problem without creating ten more. -- George Bernard Shaw
"I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say tuned."
"They say hard work never hurt anybody, but I figure why take the chance?" - Ronald Reagan
"Take off your seatbelt before you get out." -- Mama Rea
"Faith is often the boast of the man who is too lazy to investigate." -- F.M. Knowles
This is the miracle that happens every time to those who really love; the more they give, the more they possess. -- Rainer Maria Rilke
Anyone who knows a strange fact shares in its singularity. -- Jean Genet
Yes! Evil rules! Good can suck it! Suck it, good! -- Upright Citizens Brigade
The Mediterranean has the color of mackerel, changeable I mean. You don't always know if it is green or violet, you can't even say it's blue, because the next moment the changing reflection has taken on a tint of rose or gray. -- Vincent van Gogh
"What?? You're kidding me. They are giving away FREE beer??!!" -- Valerie and Lindsey
"On which side is the Pacific?" "On the left." "Is that when you look at it from the sky or under ground?" -- me and my friend, discussing a geography project.
"You never get a first chance to make a second opinion." -- Jamie Jones delivers a drunken misquote on a holiday in Ibiza.
What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes.
A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Julie: "I got you!! I won!!" Matt: "It's easy to win when you are the only one who knows the rules."
"The world is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel." -- Horace Walpole
What is life? We are born, we live a little and we die. -- EB White, "Charlotte's Web "
Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture on a rock. -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
A beauty is a woman you notice; A charmer is one who notices you. -- Adlai Stevenson
The fewer facts you have in support of an opinion, the stronger your emotional attachment to that opinion. -- Anonymous
"I rock harder than God." -- Julie
Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship - never. -- Charles Caleb Colton
"Uncontrolled flight into terrain is usually pilot error." -- San Francisco Chronical, about an air crash in Guam
No one, not even the rain has such small hands -- ee cummings
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
As far as consistency of thought goes, I prefer inconsistency. -- John Cage
Many a young lady does not realize just how strong her love for a young man is until he fails to pass the approval test with her parents. -- Anonymous
You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it within himself. -- Galileo Galilei
... imagination acts upon man as really as does gravitation, and may kill him as certainly as a dose of prussic acid. -- James Frazer
A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
ACHIEVEMENT, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust. -- Ambrose Bierce
"The British civil service ... is a beautifully designed and effective braking mechanism." -- Shirley Williams - British politician
PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the solution set. -- E. W. Dijkstra
"When people have trouble communicating, the least they can do is to shut up." -- Tom Lehrer
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters. -- Solomon Short
Nostalgia is living life in the past lane.
"It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great." -- Havelock Ellis
"You're doomed! You're SO doomed! I wouldn't have swallowed a Buick, and I wouldn't want to keep on eating!"
I have nothing to say / and I am saying it / and that is poetry / as I needed i -- John Cage
Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parent, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers. -- Socrates
"Why does the Justice Brandeis statue, which is made of malleable metal, represent 'Truth?' Does this mean that the truth is bendable?" -- S.D. Gage
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly. -- Anonymous
"The basis of optimism is sheer terror." -- Oscar Wilde
Love's Drug My love is like an iron wand That conks me on the head, My love is like the valium That I take before me bed, My love is like the pint of scotch That I drink when i be dry; And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise.
Seek simplicity -- and distrust it. -- Alfred North Whitehead
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else." -- Seen on a bumper sticker 
"USENET is William Shatner and George Bush trading places after being hit by lightning." -- James 'Kibo' Parry
I think I might have ingested a fair amount of 409. -- Jason B.
To get something done a committee should consist of three men, two of whom are absent. -- Anonymous
"My good intentions are completely lethal." -- Margaret Atwood
We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience. -- George Bernard Shaw
I prefer the wicked rather than the foolish. The wicked sometimes rest. -- Alexandre Dumas pere
[Music] takes us out of the actual and whispers to us dim secrets that startle our wonder as to who we are, and for what, whence, and whereto. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
When are we human beings gonna have a meeting? We took this god thing and ran to the god damn end of the earth with it. -- George Carlin
Love is sentimental measles.
"I've got a bag down my pants." -- Courtney
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students. -- John Ciardi
Taking a new step, uttering a new word, is what people fear most. -- Dostoyevsky
Some birds aren't meant to be caged, their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up, does rejoice. I guess I just miss my friend. , Shawshank Redemption
Only in college can you have sex with your friend and it enhances your friendship -- Marisa And Jill
We live on the planet of the Apes. Is that funny, or serious? -- Robert Anton Wilson
Scientists often have a naive faith that if only they could discover enough facts about a problem, these facts would somehow arrange themselves in a compelling and true solution. -- Theodosius Dobzhansky
Dear diary, my teen angst bullshit has a body count! -- -Veronica In 'Heathers'
In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time. -- Edward P. Tryon
Violence is the first refuge of the incompetent -- Issac Asimov
If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of it. -- Thomas Carlyle
"'Tis more blessed to give than to receive; for example, wedding presents." -- H.L. Mencken 
"You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends." -- Joseph Conrad
"Some people move in lesbian circles. I move in bisexual dodecahedrons." -- R.K.
Flame on! -- Johnny Storm
Every man gets a narrower and narrower field of knowledge in which he must be an expert in order to compete with other people. The specialist knows more and more about less and less and finally knows everything about nothing. -- Konrad Lorenz
That which is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil. -- Friedrich Nietzsche
Art is what you can get away with. -- Andy Warhol
Life is like music; it must be composed by ear, feeling, and instinct, not by rule. -- Samuel Butler
"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, it would be a calamity." -- Benjamin Disraeli
Anarchy is capitalist. -- Hot Topic Sucks
To know what to leave out and what to put in; just where and just how, ah, THAT is to have been educated in the knowledge of simplicity. -- Frank Lloyd Wright
You know my motto: Forgive and uh... the other thing.
"It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune." -- Woody Allen
"Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number." -- James Estes
"The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling." -- Ambrose Bierce
Art and science have their meeting point in method. -- Edward Bulwer-Lytton
So here we are tonight,you and me together, the storm outside and this fire is bright, and oh in your eyes I can see what's on my mind -- Dave
Penn State University--a drinking school with a football problem. -- Adrienne, PSU
QUEEN, n. A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king, and through whom it is ruled when there is not. -- Ambrose Bierce
Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist. -- Epicurus
"Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday." -- Woody Allen
Monday, n.: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"These balls smell like nuts." -- Shannon (referring to the basketballs in her hand)
"Look, man, all I am is a trumpet player." -- Miles Davis
Me not responsible. Me just pawn in game of life.
Hedonist for hire... no job too easy!
Oh dear. This calls for a very special blend of psychology ... and EXTREME VIOLENCE. -- Vyvian
"Chickens are a little small. Well, then so are some men." -- Julieann No-Middle-Name Jorgensen (hee hee hee yourself!)
"Half the lives here exist only in movie scripts." -- Jason Holliman
"To knock a thing down, especially if it is cocked at an arrogant angle, is a deep delight of the blood." -- George Santayana
Some people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic.
Men of genius are admired. Men of wealth are envied. Men of power are feared. But only men of character are trusted. -- Arthur Friedman
"It's not so much a question of if I'm going to get a job, but whether I'm going to get a job." -- Dan
"George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend." -- Ashley Cooper
All profoundly original art looks ugly at first. -- Clement Greenberg
As always, victory finds a hundred fathers but defeat is an orphan. -- Count Galeazzo Ciano, The Ciano Diaries
Your fortune stateth: You are destined to become the commandant of the fighting men of the department of transportation.
Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go. -- Brooks Atkinson
Your fortune stateth: You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. A pity that it's totally undeserved.
Nick: "I'm thinking of putting that in the 'classified'..." Me: "Let's see." Nick's ad says: "Exchange roommate for color TV." Me: "I'm not sure this is going to work."
When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. -- Robert Heinlein
MAMMON, n. The god of the world's leading religion. The chief temple is in the holy city of New York. -- Ambrose Bierce
"All movements go too far." -- Bertrand Russell
When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere. -- St. Ambrose
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. -- Woody Allen
It is the heart which perceives God and not the reason. That is what faith is: God perceived by the heart, not by the reason. -- Blaise Pascal, "Pensees"
Do you have a text? do you use it? -- Actual comment from the prof on my friend's Art History exam
Obviously I don't think we should say all purple cows practice witchery and should be burned at the milking machine. -- Lisa
"Not An Exit" -- Sign below the "Exit" sign in The Parlor, Michigan's oldest ice cream store.
"Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree." --Profesoor W.
Symmetry is what we see at a glance -- Charles Richards Udoakah (Jos, Nigeria)
Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
"He is like a female llama surprised in her bath." -- Winston Churchill - referring to Charles de Gaulle
"Busy yourselves with _this_, you damned walruses, while the rest of use proceed with the libretto." -- John Barrymore - US Actor, on throwing a fish at a noisy audience
"When women go wrong, men go right after them." -- Mae West
A wise man can see more from a mountain top than a fool can from the bottom of a well.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add? -- Steven Wright
He who laughs, lasts. -- Mary Pettibone Poole
It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations. -- Sir Winston Churchill, "My Early Life"
Why didn't Leonardo DiCaprio ever make educational science movies? -- Allyson, complaining about the monotonous films we have to watch in science
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
A man paints with his brains and not with his hands. -- Michelangelo Buonarroti
The mathematician lives long and lives young; the wings of his soul do not early drop off, nor do its pores become clogged with the earthy particles blown from the dusty highways of vulgar life. -- James Joseph Sylvester
"Outer space is no place for a person of breeding." -- Lady Violet Bonham Carter
If God had meant us to vote, He would have given us candidates. -- Seen on a bumper sticker
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy and repetition.
Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the Station-to-Station rate.
PREDILECTION, n. The preparatory stage of disillusion. -- Ambrose Bierce
You can pay attention to the fact, in which case you'll probably become a mathematician, or you can ignore it, in which case you'll probably become a physicist. -- Len Evans, professor, Northwestern University, teaching an honors calculus course
"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet." -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
Water is the only drink for a wise man. -- Henry David Thoreau
Famous last words: 1) "Don't worry, I can handle it." 2) "You and what army?" 3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be a cop."
Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once. 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
"An artist is a creature driven by demons. He don't usually know why they chose him and he's usually too busy to wonder why." -- William Faulkner
When the day is gone, so are my shoes. -- J. Guess (The last name is real.)
The Pig, if I am not mistaken, Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. Let others think his heart is big, I think it stupid of the Pig. -- Ogden Nash
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.
Aye, but isn't the man who chooses the bad in some way better than the man who has the good forced upon him? -- Alex (A Clockwork Orange)
I don't care if I'm a lemming, I'm still not going.
"Fanaticism consists in redoubling your efforts when you have forgotten your aim." -- George Santayana
All endeavor calls for the ability to tramp the last mile, shape the last plan, endure the last hours toil. The fight to the finish spirit is the one... characteristic we must posses if we are to face the future as finishers. -- Anonymous
"An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible." -- Alfred A. Knopf
Go away. I'm all right. -- H. G. Wells
"There are two kinds of sparks, the one that goes off with a hitch like a match, but it burns quickly. The other is the kind that needs time, but when the flame strikes...it's eternal, don't forget that." -- Timothy Oliveira
Mistakes are the portals for discovery. -- James Joyce
Democracy is the form of government where everyone gets what the majority deserves.
My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me! -- Henry Ford
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them.
The pen is mightier than the sword, but no one is worthy to pull it from the stone. -- James Bauerle
Got Mole problems? Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23
There is only one kind of love, but there are a thousand imitations. -- Francois de La Rouchefoucauld
All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door.
"I'm a squid, I'm a born lever puller."
Show my head to the people, it is worth seeing. -- Georges Danton, to his executioner
A critic in my house sees some paintings. Greatly perturbed, he asks for my drawings. My drawings? Never! They are my letters, my secrets. -- Paul Gauguin
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." -- Henry Youngman
Time flies like an arrow Fruit flies like a banana
When I find myself fading, I close my eyes and realize my friends are my energy. -- Anonymous
Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction. -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
"You shouldn't think about *how* we're doing this. You should ask yourself, 'why?'" -- Penn Jillette
"Veni, Vidi, Scarfi, Barfi -- we came, we saw, we ate too much, we got sick." -- Alan Cheville
If heat rises and cold sinks, why do icebergs float? -- Julie J.
Everything is held together with stories. That is all that is holding us together, stories and compassion. -- Barry Lopez
He who doesn't risk never gets to drink champagne. -- Russian Proverb
Your fortune stateth: This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
It's 106 miles to Chicago. We've got a full tank of gas and half a pack of cigarettes. It's dark and we're wearing sunglasses. Hit it. -- The Blues Brothers
You tell Buddy that if I see Glen with his sun glasses on I'm gonna step on 'em. Might not even take 'em off first. -- Jack Foley (Aka George Clooney), Out Of Sight
Nature is an infinite sphere of which the center is everywhere and the circumference nowhere. -- Blaise Pascal
My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. -- Christopher Morley
"When dictatorship is a fact, revolution becomes a right." -- Victor Marie Hugo
Become the change you seek in the world. -- Gandhi
The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything. -- Oscar Wilde
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops. -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
"What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?" -- Ursula K. Leguin
"Freedom of opinion can only exist when the government thinks itself secure." -- Bertrand Russell
To the well-organised mind, death is but the next great adventure. -- Albus Dumbledore
"The imposition of stigma is the commonest form of violence used in democratic societies." -- R. A. Pinker
"Australia, Austria.... whatever." -- Paul
"A man who allows wild passion to arise within, himself burns his heart, then after burning adds the wind that thereto which ignites the fire again, or not, as the case may be." IT'S ALL OVER -- Jack Kerouac
"My favorite road sign is the one that just says 'MOOSE' on it, because really, who are they trying to fool?" -- Ryan
"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." (Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton) -- attributed to Albert Einstein
Your fortune stateth: You need no longer worry about the future.  This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
"The weasel under the cocktail cabinet." -- Harold Pinter - British playwright - when asked what his plays were about
Imitation is the sincerest form of television. -- Fred Allen
"A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps." - Robert Benchley
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling."
"Seig Shawn!" -- Jonathan Schultz, in a drunken state
"Every law is an infraction of liberty." -- Jeremy Bentham
Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. -- Lily Tomlin
The Church is an organism that grows best in an alien society. -- C. Stacey Woods
"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat -- Lewis Carrol
"Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with." -- Mark Twain
Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and not tried. -- G. K. Chesterton
Jen's Japanese High School Principal at her farewell: "You will go back. Meet a nice boy. Get married. Take care of the children and make a happy home." Jen: "I'll do what?"
"A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms." -- George Wald
Washing one's hands of the conflict between the powerful and the powerless means to side with the powerful, not to be neutral. -- Paulo Freire
When I feel a little confused the only thing to do is to turn back to the study of nature before launching once again into the subjects closest to heart. -- Raoul Dufy
"The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the law free." -- Henry David Thoreau
"Now, how can I show you a joule? Here. This is about a joule." -- Fr. McLernan, while lifting a marble apple off his desk during physics class.
How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
I can't believe she called me a snob! She's just jealous because I have so much more than money than her and I'm a lot prettier, too. -- overheard in a class full of cheerleaders before the teacher came in
Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet. -- Jack Handey
Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. -- Lord Dewar
Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
"A lady is always grateful for a sincere compliment, so long as you don't try to knock her down with it." -- Mark Twain
This fortune intentionally not included.
"And the heat goes on...where the hand has been." -- Byrne/Eno
"Dave, this is your second warning. Turn off the MIME in your mailer or I'll threaten you." -- Greg Morrow
New York's got the ways and means; Just won't let you be. -- The Grateful Dead
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. -- Douglas Adams
Your fortune stateth: You're definitely on their list.  The question to ask next is what list it is.
Your body knows what a bed is. -- Laura Yoder
There is no remedy for sex but more sex. -- Anonymous
"The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts." -- Paul Erlich
"The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated." -- Ghandi
Neil, are you going to make me dinner or am I going to have to kick your teeth in? -- Vivian
What causes the mysterious death of everyone?
Elevators smell different to midgets
"Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few." -- George Bernard Shaw
Alliance, n.: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"well, it seems doable so we should do it. if we can't then we should get no biscuits." -- tim@meer.net
"'Why do you bother with him? He's had thousands of people killed!'" "'Yes, but perhaps he thought that you wanted it.'" -- Terry Pratchett
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. -- Mark Twain
"By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
"To different minds, the same world is a hell, and a heaven." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
May your camel be as swift as the wind.
Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything that is beautiful, for beauty is God's handwriting--a wayside sacrament. Welcome it in every fair face
But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!
"I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules, including: * Both of your socks should always be the same color * Or they should at least both be fairly dark -- Dave Barry
"The man who does not read good books is at no advantage over the man that can't read them." -- Mark Twain
Trouble always comes at the wrong time.
Sometimes it's useful to know how large your zero is. -- Anonymous
"Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt." -- Abraham Lincoln
I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts
"A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing." -- Oscar Wilde
"Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago." -- Bernard Berenson
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explaination. -- Saki
"Two is a couple, three is a crowd, four is two couples, five is a couple and a crowd, six is either three couples or two crowds..." -- Alf
Your fortune stateth: Do not overtax your powers.
Karen: "You talk so much!" Jackie: "I have so much to say!"
Moebius always does it on the same side.
Talk not of wasted affection; affection never was wasted. -- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
The work of internal government has become the task of controlling the thousands of fifth-rate men. -- Henry B. Adams
"I did five years of the same major from beginning to start." -- Shannon Hartzler
If the world really looks like that I will paint no more! -- Claude Monet, flinging away a pair of glasses for which he had been fitted to correct a severe astig
Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
The artist can know all the technique in the world, but if he feels nothing, it will mean nothing. -- Chen Chi
I got up this morning and I couldn't find my socks. So I called information. I said, "Hello, information?" She said, "Yes." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were. -- Steven Wright
The gods too are fond of a joke. -- Aristotle
Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once.
If you can't annoy somebody, there's little point in writing. -- Kingsley Amis
Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.
He insulted me! He called me cheif Piggum....oh wait now I get it ha ha ha! -- Cheif Wiggum
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. -- Dave Edison
"The world would be a much prettier place if those blue M&M's would melt in your hands. Just think -- EVERYTHING BLUE!" -- Mike Lavery
Most artists are doing basically the same thing - staying off the streets. -- Edward Ruscha
I have to kiss a lot of frogs before I can kiss my prince. -- Polly
I never listen to the radio. If it's bad, I make fun of it, and if it's good, I get jealous that I didn't think of it. -- John Lennon
"I would rather go home and play with myself every night than come home to that. Look at her. She's a FREAK!" -- Jon, referring to Stephen's girlfriend
These people have served a longer sentence than some people who have committed murder. -- Jeff Greenfield, news analyst, describing the jury in the OJ Simpson murder trial, 1995
Flattery will get you everywhere.
All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow. -- Grant Wood
"I don't even know what street Canada is on." -- Al Capone
When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one I've never tried before. -- Mae West
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
"I'd probably be famous now if I wasn't such a good waitress." -- Jane Siberry
"I wish it would snow so I didn't have to look at my blood." -- Ellie wishing to get out of Immunology lab so she wouldn't have to look at her blood under a microscope.
When the music of a state changes, the constitution will change too. -- Daimon
People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse." -- William Gilbert
If you have weird vegetarian friends it is best not to invite them to a barbecue. -- Scott Adams
"You've turned my son into a socialist!" -- My next-door neighbor, after I taught his two year old son to say "Mikhail Gorbechav".
"I'm not going to throw a piece of frosting encrusted cake in your direction" -- Dr. French
"As soon as questions of will or decision or reason or choice of action arise, human science is at a loss." -- Noam Chomsky
Who's the bigger liars, men or women? ... Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies. -- Chris Rock, "Bigger & Blacker"
"That smells good. I want some of that." -- Provolt, on a smell in his car
To draw, you must close your eyes and sing. -- Pablo Picasso
Your fortune stateth: Is that really YOU that is reading this?
"You know, there are a lot of dogs that are bigger than I am!" -- Ginny Lensing
"You know Matt, one day your car just isn't going to start" -- Aaron Handler, one day before Matt's car failed to start.
The violent have been victorious for most of history because they kindled the fear with which everyone is born. -- Theodore Zeldin, "An Intimate History of Humanity"
The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. -- G. K. Chesterton
My night has become a sunny dawn because of you. -- Inb Abbad
"On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good and not quite all the time." -- George Orwell
A good memory does not equal pale ink.
"Meetings are indispensable when you don't want to do anything." -- John Kenneth Galbraith
"Have you ever considered putting an impulse drive on your butt? Then you could get to class in two seconds." -- S. D. Gage
I bought a blank tape, took it home and played it at full volume. My neighbor complained. Turns out he's a mime. -- Steven Wright
I forget clothelines exis. You know, you don't really think about clotheslines.... -- Amanda
ADMIRATION, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. -- Ambrose Bierce
"The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
Remember, people will judge you by your actions, not your intentions. You may have a heart of gold -- but so does a hard-boiled egg. -- Anonymous
Everywhere I go, I'm asked if the universities stifle writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. -- Flannery O'Connor
A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author. -- G. K. Chesterton
PAINTING, n: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary", 1906
"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
Boy, n.: A noise with dirt on it.
Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
The phrase 'working mother' is redundant. -- Jane Sellman
Your fortune stateth: You will soon forget this.
Look ere ye leap. -- John Heywood
Your fortune stateth: Questionable day. Ask somebody something.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
"The fish was divided into three equal halves." -- Mr.Ameenullah, Chemistry teacher at Karachi Grammar School
"Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different." -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
"By appreciation, we make excellence in others our own property." -- Voltaire
"Hell is other people." -- Jean-Paul Sartre
The aim of science is not to open the door to infinite wisdom, but to set a limit to infinite error. -- Bertolt Brecht,
You may be hungry soon; order a takeout now. -- from Benji's latest fortune cookie
"Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia." -- Judith Viorst
Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. -- Woody Allen
"You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt." -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
To be mad at someone- that is easy. To be mad at the right person, for the right reason, at the right time and at the right degree- that is not easy" -- Aristotle
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. -- Robert Frost
Love is much like a wild rose, beautiful and calm, but willing to draw blood in its defense. -- Mark Overby
"The country has charms only for those not obliged to stay there." -- Edouard Manet
I don't care if it's barnyard animals. I just want you to want something. -- Father, upon finding that his son is gay.
"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." -- Mother Theresa
Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage. -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post
I feel like a defective model, like I came off the assembly line flat-out fucked and my parents should have taken me back for repairs before the warranty ran out. But that was so long ago. -- Elizabeth Wurtzel
Wisdom is the reward for a lifetime of listening... when you'd have preferred to talk. -- D.J. Kaufman
It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues. -- Abraham Lincoln
Your fortune stateth: You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
Your fortune stateth: Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here. -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
"Have you ever noticed that in the movies, whenever somebody buys something, they never wait for their change." -- Jesseca
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. -- Pogo, character in "Pogo," comic strip by Walt Kelly
Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can ever hope to acquire it.
"My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!" -- Henry YoungmanIf the work begins to look labored or inferior, drastic action is taken. I destroy the offending painting with wild swathes of paint. Most satisfying! What comes out of this spent energy is often an excellent painting. -- Ann Zielinski
AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!! You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
Who's on first?
Your fortune stateth: If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
"You know, maybe that was kinda stupid." -- My 18 year old friend, after slashing the tires of his parents' car for grounding him.
"Is that a circumsized circle?" -- Miles Travis, when asked to identify a circumscribed circle in geometry class.
"But I don't respect the song part of it! It's an audio torture device, like the Macarena and all that other bootie shaking music." -- Jason Holliman, talking about the Spice Girls hit, "Wannabe".
Evil will always triumph over good because good is dumb -- Dark Helmet, Space Balls
In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble. -- Alan Perlis
"Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies." -- Friedrich Nietzsche
"Happiness is the longing for repetition." -- Kundera
"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." --English Professor, Ohio University
Among a hundred men there is one who can think, but only one among a thousand can see. -- John Ruskin
Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely. -- Buddha
"Are you saying the forest isn't conducive to finding sticks?" -- Ryan McDavitt, at a bonfire
He who lives by fighting with an enemy has an interest in the preservation of the enemys' life. -- Neitzsche
Electrocution, n.: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
"What's that thing?" "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what it does. We call it a two-by-four." -- Jeff MacNelly, "Shoe"
Why do bunches of people run from a shark when they see one, if there is a bunch of people, and one of that shark, wouldn't it be easy to just attack him and kick his ass? -- Jack Handey
"Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment." -- Robert Benchley
"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments." -- Earl Wilson
Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address.
Commitment, n.: Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
Not everything worth doing is worth doing well.
Quiet is what home would be without children. -- Anonymous
Your fortune stateth: Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
Sex is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand. -- Charles Pierce
When a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it. -- E. W. Howe
"Whoa, check out this tapestry...it's like the tree of life or the tree of knowledge or some s***." -- Mitch Thieman
...when we fight cold wind blows our way but we can learn like the trees-how to bend, how to sway and say I, I think I understand... -- Ani Difranco
At the end of the game, The king and the pawn go back in the same box. -- Italian Proverb
Ellie: "Do you have any two-headed friends?" Ellie's Mom: "Just you."
My roommate once called me to come pick her up, "Jos, come pick me up. Get my keys out of my purse and take the couch." -- Jos And Cam
Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies. -- Tim Robbins, "The Shawshank Redemption"
"Yes! The sad pathetic mutiny-inducing puppy face worked!" -- Ellie
"Useful tip: don't go too close to a black hole!" -- Dewayne and Ashley, thought up in physics.
Who would want to steal a steering wheel? -- Katy commenting on an ad for "The Club"
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
Multiple exclamation marks are a sure sign of a diseased mind. -- Terry Pratchett, "Eric"
"I was waiting for the universe to dispense some justice. Then I realized that the universe is too damn slow. But putting Nair in a shampoo bottle only takes a few minutes." -- Nancy
Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy. -- Publilius Syrus
College is for sleeping late, cutting class, and having sex. -- Jennifer Hendricks
The only courage that matters is the kind that gets you from one moment to the next. -- Mignon McLaughlin, "The Second Neurotic's Notebook"
"When men are pure, laws are useless; when men are corrupt, laws are broken." -- Benjamin Disraeli
During Government class: Phil: Shut up, Nick. Nick: It's not Nick, it's Detective.
"Patriotism is a pernicious, psychopathic form of idiocy." -- George Bernard Shaw
Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings. -- Anonymous
Even in a perfect world, where everyone was equal I'd still own the film rights and be working on the sequal -- Elvis Costello
The more horrifing the world becomes, the more art becomes abstract. -- Paul Klee
Love is a beautician. It can create beauty, but also illusion. True love is natural beauty. Everylasting, and never fake. -- Sarah Bianchi
(Debbie is angry at her four-year-old son for playing in an area with a "Don't Walk on the Grass" sign and pointing to it...) Debbie: What does that say? Aaron: Oh, that doesn't apply to me. I can't read everything yet.
Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. -- S. C. Johnson
"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender."
DIARY, n. A daily record of that part of one's life, which he can relate to himself without blushing. -- Ambrose Bierce
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. -- Aldous Huxley
"You, my boy, if you want to be a good pickpocket, need to learn how to tell a wallet from a maxipad." -- Jessica
"It was rock hard and I was trying to massage it." -- Sarah, recalling her bruised ankle.
Who are you?
"A word to the wise is unnecessary." -- La Rouchefoucauld
He was my North, my South, my East and West, My working week and Sunday rest, My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong. -- W. H. Auden
Keep on keepin' on.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idoits. So far, the Universe is winning. -- Rich Cook
What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork. -- Pearl Bailey
"This isn't going to stop me from speeding." -- Dianne, to the cop who pulled her over and wrote her a six-point ticket for doing 65mph in a 20mph school zone.
"Maybe if I drink some more, the score will change." -- Jason Holliman, at Molly's during the 4th Quarter of the 3rd Game in the playoffs of the Bulls-Bullets series (at the time the score was 81-90 in favor of the Bullets)
"Yeah, thrust all the responsibility on the woman why don't you?" -- Ellie, the only female in the room.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. -- Anonymous
"I want an evil twin! One that's as insane as me and would actually do evil twin sorts of stuff to me! That would be cool!" -- Ellie
"Most of the people who say New York is too violent have never even been there. And if they ever went, we'd destroy them in nine minutes." -- Nick
"I've always wanted to be Brigitte Bardot." -- Bob Dylan
"Most of all, perhaps, we need an intimate knowlege of the past. Not that the past has anything magical about it, but we cannot study the future." -- C.S. Lewis
"Prizes are for children." -- Charles Edward Ives
Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid. He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the Year award.
"That guest is dead now. She died of an overdose. Don't take offense." -- Ellie's ex, about a girl on Geraldo he thought looked like her.
My witness is the empty sky. -- Jack Kerouac
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
"Whosoever is delighted in solitude is either a wild beast or a god." -- Francis Bacon
Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
The infinite! No other question has ever moved so profoundly the spirit of man. -- David Searls
God is Dead. -- Nietzsche:  Nietzsche is Dead. -- God:  Nietzsche is God. -- Dead
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
Limericks are art forms complex, Their topics run chiefly to sex. They usually have virgins, And masculine urgin's, And other erotic effects.
If you want to build a ship, don't drum up the men to gather wood, divide the work, and give orders. Instead, teach them to yearn for the vast and endless sea. -- Antoine de Saint Exupery
Life's not fair, but the root password helps.
"I will not put my kitten in the toilet, even in the name of science!" -- Joyce, after Sarah suggested putting the cat in the toilet to see if it could swim, instead of keeping the lid down all the time.
Love is eternal. The aspect of it may change, but the essence remains the same. -- Vincent van Gogh
Batteries not included.
It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion. -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
Can you image me in England doing anything besides peeing? -- Alison
Time and tide wait for no man.
Genius, n.: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright".
"The closing years of life are like the end of a masquerade party when the masks are dropped." -- Arthur Schopenhauer
Your fortune stateth: You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
Oregon, n.: Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday night.
Here I sit with no one near, I'm cryyyying in my beer. Love love love just ain't a game I play. Oh no, love love love just ain't a game I play. -- The Queers
Have the courage to take your own thoughts seriously, for they will shape you. -- Albert Einstein
There are three ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself. 2. Hire someone to do it for you. 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
I love deadlines. I specially love the swooshing sounds they make as they fly by. -- Douglas Adams
Your fortune stateth: Are you sure the back door is locked?
Religion is the fashionable substitute for belief. -- Oscar Wilde
"Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. -- Anton Chekhov
Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop. -- Anonymous
It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations. -- Khalil Gibran
Throw my thoughts into the breeze one last time and watch them float away in waves of relief. Tomorrow...... I shall never think again for the burden is too much to bear. -- Jamie Stem
Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it. -- P. J. O'Rourke
There's no such thing as an original sin. -- Elvis Costello
Ellie's Mom: "Are you going to bed now?" Ellie: "But I'm not hungry!" (I was VERY tired at the time.)
"The great thing about human language is that it prevents us from sticking to the matter at hand." -- Lewis Thomas
Proof by accumulated evidence: Long and diligent search has not revealed a counterexample.
Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper. -- Unknown history student
"Life is like a box of chocolates. If it doesn't melt early, you'll eat too many and barf." -- Michelle Zalas, during a philosophy lecture
Your fortune stateth: You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
Your fortune stateth: Increased knowledge will help you now.  Have mate's phone bugged.
"Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
"Yeah, It's too bad you're in MMMJunior High. When you hit MMMPuberty, then we'll see if you still feel the same." -- Kate, after hearing some girls on MTV saying that anyone who doesn't like Hanson is 'MMMJealous'
Most convicted felons are just people who were not taken to museums or Broadway musicals as children. -- Libby Gelman-Waxner
I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours.
"If it was up your butt, you'd know it!" -- Ken, anytime he is asked where something is.
"Curiosity is the very basis of education and if you tell me that curiosity killed the cat, I say only the cat died nobly." -- Arnold Edinborough
Aaron: Man, I hate the letter "S"! Eric: Why? Aaron: 'Cause it's hard to write!
The world is so fast that there are days when the person who says it can't be done is interrupted by the person who is doing it. -- Anonymous
Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
He who loses money loses much; he who loses a friend loses muchmore; he who loses faith loses all. -- Anonymous
"Okay, so we'll set the ball off and it will go down the ramp. Then we'll explain why it didn't work." -- Whitney, discussing our physics project presentation.
But I don't have an "any key" on my computer!
Lake Erie died for your sins.
Spirtle, n.: The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in your eye. -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
Your fortune stateth: Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.
A dozen, a gross, and a score, Plus three times the square root of four, Divided by seven, Plus five time eleven, Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters. -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
Darryl, playing a game and trying to describe the wrong word: Darryl: We were just doing this in front of the Christmas Tree! Shannon: Photography! Dad: That's great, but the word was "Pornography".
"If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to." -- Dorothy Parker
"Soy Sauce!" -- The answer to every question in my Biology class
"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" asked the father of his little son. "Diet."
Paul: Hey Benji! Wake up! Benji: I'm naked. Paul: Okay. Want some hamburgers?
But i'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her. -- Julia Roberts, Notting Hill
Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters; united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels. -- Francisco Goya
More than kisses, letters mingle souls. -- John Donne
Many are called, few volunteer.
"You guys should start running outside more. You've been learning about this stuff in Biology class." [points to ceiling of gym) "Anaerobes." -- Mr. M., our cross country coach
Your fortune stateth: You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
You don't know what its like waking up in bed with TWO of your brother's friends.... -- me, after a passing out playing video games
"When people are bored, it is primarily with their own selves that they are bored." -- Eric Hoffer
"Anything too stupid to be said, is sung." -- Voltaire
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
"Oh god, it's like a rat with fur!!!!!" -- a friend at a party, regarding a yorkshire terrier.
What's done to children, they will do to society. -- Dr. Karl Menninger
The pollution's at that awkward stage. Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate. -- Doug Sneyd
"It's just not stimulating the right part of my brain." -- uttered by a close friend when asked about his job.
Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
"WHAT is that noise?" -- The response to the phone ringing at the Issaquah Crown Books store.
There's a hell of a good universe next door; let's go. -- e.e. cummings, "pity this busy monster, manunkind"
Put your Nose to the Grindstone! -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
It has always been the prerogative of children and half wits to point out that the emperor has no clothes. But the half wit remains a half wit and the emperor remains an emperor. -- Neil Gaiman, The Sandman
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. -- Jack Handey
"I don't believe in sweeping social change being manifested by one person, unless he has an atomic weapon." -- Howard Chaykin
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary. -- Frank L. Visco, How to Write Good
"True, money _can't_ buy happiness, but it isn't happiness I want. It's money." -- Bizarro
Avoid all needle drugs. The only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon. -- Abbie Hoffman, "Steal This Book"
"Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones." -- Mike Barfield
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding. -- Proverbs 9:10
Its just like a new pair of underwear. At first its constricting, then it becomes a part of you. -- Garth Algar, "Wayne's World"
Let's Ban Humans. They All Suck Anyway. -- Unknown
"I am one of the unpraised, unrewarded millions without whom Statistics would be a bankrupt science. It is we who are born, who marry, who die, in constant ratios." -- Logan Pearsall Smith - US Writer
That you may see the meaning from within: It is being, it is being. -- John Lennon.
We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
Every now and then I turn it on again But it's plain to see that The radio still sucks. -- The Ataris
Hey, nice baby. Want another one? -- Ed Dusseault, on seeing an attractive mother
Fakir, n: A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
Ryan tries unsuccessfully to quit smoking during crew season: Ryan: I've got to quit smoking for crew! Lloyd: You know what your problem is? You're looking at this all wrong. See, you're doing crew to make your lungs bigger so you can smoke more!
"Hey, a good mop is hard to find" -- Missy, commenting on mom's new hairdo.
If you don't double-click me, I can't do anything. -- John Aniston, on how computers have taken over his life
I only wish to be the fountain of love from which you drink, every drop promising eternal passion. -- Anonymous
Are we not men?
According to my best recollection, I don't remember. -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
Art is made to disturb. Science reassures. There is only one valuable thing in art: the thing you cannot explain. -- G eorges Braque
The belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary, men alone are quite capable of every wickedness. -- Joseph Conrad
"happy happy joy joy oh fuck" -- hugh
Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected. -- Robert Orben
APHORISM, n. Predigested wisdom. -- Ambrose Bierce
Your fortune stateth: Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
The chicken and the egg were postmarked for the same day but arrived separately. -- Baisden
Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer.
PATRIOT, n. One to whom the interests of a part seem superior to those of the whole. The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors. -- Ambrose Bierce
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. -- Oscar Wilde
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
"I can't believe we spent forty bucks on beer and french fries" -- Matt, an MTU student, after an afternoon at the bar
I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?
Necessity has no law. -- St. Augustine
I'll grant the random access to my heart, Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove And in our bound partition never part. -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
Country is a way of life, not a style of dress -- Chrissy
Self Test for Paranoia: You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's your own fault.
He who laughs last is generally the last to get the joke. -- Terry Cohen
"Reflections on Ice-Breaking" Candy Is dandy But liquor Is quicker. -- Ogden Nash
"Goldilocks is about property rights. Little Red Riding Hood is a tale of seduction, rape, murder, and cannibalism." -- Bernard J. Hibbits
I don't know as much as God, but I know more than He did at my age. -- Henry Kissinger
Your fortune stateth: You will pass away very quickly.
There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for. -- Fred Hoyle
Adventure seeking slugs crossing the path of life -- watch your step! -- Julie J.
I'm feeling a bit Cubish.... -- K.T. ('The Salty One') while wondering what you called yourself if you were from Cuba.
Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw
The only thing that makes me believe in UFOs is that, sometimes I lose stuff. -- Jack Handey
SCRIBBLER, n. A professional writer whose views are antagonistic to one's own. -- Ambrose Bierce
Law of the Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
Your fortune stateth: You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.  Therefore you have few friends.
"A birth-control pill for men, that's fair. It makes more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bulletproof vest." -- Greg Travis, comedian
Nathan: "Professior Dember, you mind if I call you Bill?" Prof. Dember: "Yes"
The more powerful and original a mind, the more it will incline towards the religion of solitude. -- Aldous Huxley
The question isn't what are we going to do today, it's what aren't we going to do today -- Ferris Bueler'S Day Off
FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX!
Freedom is like drink. If you take any at all, you might as well take enough to make you happy for a while. -- Finley Peter Dunne
"Well, to be fair I did have a couple of gadgets he probably didn't, like a teaspoon and an open mind." -- The Doctor
"Dude, you should go work for the Empire. Even the most mediocre of pilots could kill you in his sleep." -- Joel to John, while playing X-Wing.
"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this." -- Emo Phillips
"A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures." -- Daniel Webster
Live TV died in the late 1950s, electronic bulletin boards came along in the mid-1980s, meaning there was about a 25-year gap when it was difficult to put your foot in your mouth and have people all across the country know about it. -- Mark Leeper
Your fortune stateth: Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
"I hate work, and I hate boys. That's why I don't do either of them. -- Mary B.
Vulnerant omnes, ultima necat. -- Old saying on Roman clocks
I don't envy myself right now. -- Benji, driving on the interstate.
"Man has his will, - but woman has her way." -- Oliver Wendell Holmes - US Writer
The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind. -- William James
I shall return. -- General Douglas MacArthur
Marty: "How is he different?" Karen: "He's not wearing gym shorts." -- Marty asking Karen about an old high school classmate she ran into.
"Well, an orgasm is part of an population, which is part of an ecosystem." -- Tammy, in science class.
We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be. -- Kurt Vonnegut
Why you trippin'?! -- Kate, after Angela tripped over a piece of broken sidewalk.
"A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation." -- H. H. Munro (Saki)
Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic
"The police tried to pull over the stolen truck, and arrest the suspect... we think for automobile theft." -- An on-the-spot reporter, while watching a live broadcast of a car chase through downtown Dallas.
"I expect nothing. I fear no one. I am free." -- Nikos Kazantzakis
Results are what you expect, and consequences are what you get. -- Anonymous
"The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so that they will believe they are as clever as he." -- Karl Kraus
"He hasn't an enemy in the world, and none of his friend like him." -- Oscar Wilde - about George Bernard Shaw
I think he's trying to kill me... -We all feel that way sometimes. -No, the boy is quite astute, I am in fact trying to kill him.... -- Scott Evil
Beifeld's Principle: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better looking and richer male friend.
"The chief product of an automated society is a widespread and deepening sense of boredom." -- Cyril Parkinson
Interpreter, n.: One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Silence is one great art of conversation. -- Anonymous
The innkeeper loves the drunkard, but not for a son-in-law. -- Yiddish Proverb
I don't do drugs. I am drugs. -- Salvador Dali
"Only I may have double standards." -- Curt
Your fortune stateth: 1 bulls, 3 cows.
Vision is the art of seeing things invisible. -- Jonathan Swift
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm beginning to believe it. -- Clarence Darrow
"The Spice Girls are like Microsoft. They are very popular, and you can't ignore them, but you try your best not to support them." -- Arbi
"No, Groucho is not my real name. I'm breaking it in for a friend." -- Groucho Marx (Julius Marx)
My goal in life is not to be quoted. -- Cheri
All things being equal, you are bound to lose.
A friend is always good to have, but a lovers kiss is better than angles raining down on me -- Dave Matthews
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together -- Herbert Prochnow
An expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less, until eventually he knows everything about nothing. -- Anonymous
"Paper has a genius for multiplication that cannot be equalled anywhere else in nature." -- Hugh Keenleyside
In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own incompetency -- The Peter Principle
A few tropical fish in the river of life would be cool. -- Andy Whitman
Jealousy is the only vice that gives no pleasure. -- Anonymous
[Pause. Looks around his desk. Picks up a bag of Fritos. Holds it out to Cheryl.] "Well... wanna chip?" -- Matt, after being castigated for forgetting Cheryl's birthday
"Usenet: a vast collection of people being polite to each other in the most creative possible ways!" -- James 'Kibo' Parry
First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
Drunk guy: What's that guy doing with that flashlight? Drunk girl: Maybe he's looking for UFOs. Drunk guy (a moment later): With a flashlight?
I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge. -- Edward Chilton
"I've had people lick MY eyeball... by accident." -- Mel
What do you mean, french fries aren't a food group? -- Melissa
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway! -- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature")
Every positive value has its price in negative terms...The genius of Einstein leads to Hiroshima. -- Pablo Picasso
"Music makes one feel so romantic - at least it always gets on one's nerves - which is the same thing nowadays." -- Oscar Wilde
PIETY, n. Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His supposed resemblance to man. -- Ambrose Bierce
To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up.
I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much. -- Carole Wallach.
"It is no longer my moral duty as a human being to achieve an integrated and unitary set of explanations for my thoughts and feelings." -- Bronwyn Davies
Take what you can use and let the rest go by. -- Ken Kesey
Include me out.
Your fortune stateth: You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause.
To be great is to be misunderstood. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Television is now so desperately hungry for material that they're scraping the top of the barrel." -- Gore Vidal
One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love. -- Sophocles
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. -- George Bernard Shaw
"Don't lick the fuse!" -- Megan "Don't question my dupe." -- Katie
Happiness is the only sanction of life; where happiness fails, existence remains a mad and lamentable experience. -- George Santayana
"To unbridled lust!" -- "Uncle Bear" giving a thanksgiving toast
Nice guys don't finish nice.
Use a pun, go to jail.
"Please assure me that you are all Republicans." -- Ronald Reagan - Rep. President - addressing his surgeons on being wheeled to the OR after an assassination attempt
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting. -- Gloria Leonard
"Ahh, fresh and clean. I am the anticrust." -- Thomas
The truth is just an exceptional lie. -- Philip Rodrigues
The first ten years I liked work, the second ten years I was indifferent, the third ten years they can bite me. -- Constant
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
"Never lose your sense of the superficial." -- Lord Northcliffe
Cause your not quite evil enough. Your semi-evil, your quasi-evil, your the margarine of evil, your the diet coke of evil, just one calorie, not "evil" enough -- Dr. Evil
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love -- Annie Hall
I'm not going to change the way I look or the way I feel to conform to anything. I've always been a freak. So I've been a freak all my life and I have to live with that, you know. I'm one of those people. -- John Lennon
You guys should teach your cats what to do if you have a heart attack. [short pause.] You know, right as I said that, I realized I just got a glass full of ice but forgot to put water in it. -- Andy
An artist discovers his genius the day he dares not to please. -- Andre Malraux
The job of the artist is always to deepen the mystery. -- Francis Bacon
If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a conclusion. -- William Baumol
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. -- Pablo Picasso
Although the course may change sometimes, rivers always reach the sea. -- Led Zeppelin, Ten Years Gone
Thinking is another attribute of the soul; and here I discover what properly belongs to myself. This alone is inseparable from me. I am--I exist: this is certain; -- Rene Descartes, "Discourse on Method and the Meditations, Meditation 2"
Enough is a feast -- Buddhist Proverb
Little Girl: Is that it? Mom: No, unless you like ketchup for a snack.
"People are much too solemn about things -- I'm all for sticking pins into episcopal behinds." -- Aldous Huxley
If you stand in one place long enough, the world will come to you. -- Chinese Proverb
Knocked, you weren't in. -- Opportunity
(Eating dinner at a friend's house, Laura accidently burps.) Friend's Dad: "You should be ashamed. You're an amateur."
We had gay robbers last night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture. -- Robin Williams
Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie).
If you rob a bank, and your pants fall down, its okay to laugh. and let your hostages laugh too, because come on, life is funny. -- Jack Handey
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
"Reader, suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." -- Mark Twain
I'm a dork and she's so cool, I'm ugly she's beautiful, she's so smart I'm just a fool, and I just can't figure it out, I just can't undrstand, why does she love me? -- Jeffrie Fan Club
Flailing dinosaurs are a danger to everyone. -- Eric
"When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty." -- George Bernard Shaw
"Proper words in proper places make the true definiton of style." -- Jonathan Swift
Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing.
"So instead of Cinco de Mayo, it's going to be Cinco de...Cuatro." -- clueless DJ on 96.7 KHFI, Austin, TX
J: "My jacket doesn't fit right." O: "Maybe you could-" J: "You're right. I SHOULD staple my jacket to my pants." [And does so.]
"How can'st thou be out of breath, when thou hast the breath to say to me that thou art out of breath???" -- Juliet
There's something slurpy in your shoulders. -- Cheri
The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more important to do.
Mother Earth is not flat!
"A city is a large community where people are lonesome together." -- Herbert Prochnow
"You are bound and determined to cut off your head, despite your nose, aren't you." -- Colleen, to her niece
Like most endeavors, life is seriously over-advertised and under-funded. -- Anonymous
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter. -- Blaise Pascal
"I cannot imagine any condition which would cause this ship to founder. Modern shipbuilding has gone beyond that." -- E. I. Smith, Captain of the Titanic
"I didn't mean to do that. I thought it was a bathroom." -- Ryan
Men occassionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry on as if nothing had happened. -- Winston Churchill
"I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time." -- Steven Wright
"But I wasn't kissing her. I was whispering into her mouth." -- Chico Marx - to his wife when she caught him kissing a chorus girl
Thou hast the keys of Paradise, oh, just, subtle, and mighty opium! -- Thomas De Quincey
People only see what they are prepared to see. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Blake: "This is gay as hell." Dennis: "Don't sugar coat it." (during wedding pictures...)
November, n.: The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Billy: How long does the strobe effect last? Mark: What strobe effect? (The first time Billy succesfully tripped on acid, after having been staring into the naked face of a strobe light for the better part of an hour.)
"I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps the time I found out that M&Ms really do melt in your hand..." -- Peter Oakley
"I am an agnostic; I do not pretend to know what many ignorant men are sure of." -- Clarence Darrow
"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown." -- Woody Allen
"Intellectual brilliance is no guarentee against being dead wrong." -- David Fasold
My interest in the future is because I am going to spend the rest of my life there. -- Charles F. Kettering
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. -- Robert Frost
LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
"Look, I made you a sperm!" -- Matt Maher at the mall's Food Court
If people were powered by chlorophyll, and you were stuck in the desert, you'd have to run around screaming just to keep from being overfed. -- Paul
Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. -- John F. Kennedy
You're in a fishbowl so make use of it, man. -- John Lennon
[Fumbiling around in the dark with my best friend and her boyfriend] K: Umm, Rich, that's not my bellybutton. R: Kate, that's not my finger.
"I sometimes think that God, in creating man, overestimated His ability." -- Oscar Wilde
May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds. -- Edward Abbey
"I like the word 'indolence'. It makes my laziness seem classy." -- Bern Williams
If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
"Between infinite and short there is a big difference." -- G.H. Gonnet
The purpose of a liberal education is to make one's mind a pleasant place to spend one's leisure. -- Anonymous
"It's all your fault!" -- Daniel "Fluffy"
"It is much easier to be critical than to be correct." -- Benjamin Disraeli
"In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it." -- Dave Thomas
"Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...." -- Carl Zwanzig
The two most abundant things in the universe are Hydrogren and stupidity. -- Harlan Ellison
"I'm no religion, thank God!" -- Ceree
Your fortune stateth: Be careful!  UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
Your fortune stateth: You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
"But that's no reason to put acid in a man's pants." -- excerpted from "Dressed up for Murder" by Gary Brandner
Don't get mad, get interest.
Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
"British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps." -- Peter Ustinov
A feeling that everything must end, the music, ourselves, the moon, everything. That if you get to the heart of things you find sadness for ever and ever, everywhere; but a beautiful silver saddness, like a Christ face. -- John Fowles, "The Collector"
Immortality -- a fate worse than death. -- Edgar A. Shoaff
My friend Mike, he straight ran out of VeeGee's with a case of beer! -- Shawn, explaining where beer comes from.
UGLINESS, n. A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue without humility. -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911
Everytime I paint a portrait I lose a friend. -- John Singer Sargent
"Take away the right to say 'fuck' and you take away the right to say 'fuck the government.'" -- Lenny Bruce
HERMIT, n. A person whose vices and follies are not sociable. -- Ambrose Bierce
"Statistics have shown that mortality increases in the military during wartime." -- Alphonse Allais
Becky: How come you can talk to guys about your interests and I can't? Emily: Because I'm not interested in cadavers? Becky (to Tristan): Is she right? Tristan: YES!
"In matters of conscience, the law of majority has no place." -- Mahatma Gandhi
Your fortune stateth: You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution.
"It's not good to leave blood laying around, Adam, it's not sanitary." -- Rachel
"Optimism is the content of small men in high places." -- F. Scott Fitzgerald
Families, when a child is born Want it to be intelligent. I, through intelligence, Having wrecked my whole life, Only hope the baby will prove Ignorant and stupid. Then he will crown a tranquil life By becoming a Cabinet Minister -- Su Tung-p'o
An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways. -- Isaac Asimov
"It is error alone which needs the support of government. Truth can stand by itself." -- Thomas Jefferson
"Revolution is a trivial shift in the emphasis of suffering." -- Tom Stoppard
Your fortune stateth: Long life is in store for you.
"Tell me about it stud" -- Grease
Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems. -- Rene Decartes
If you have made mistakes, even serious ones, there is always another chance for you. What we call failure is not the falling down, but the staying down. -- Mary Pickford
Noncombatant, n.: A dead Quaker. -- Ambrose Bierce
Coach: Deborah, don't forget to breathe! Deborah: What? Oh, yeah, that. -- during crew practice.
"Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep." -- Fran Lebowitz
When the good times come around, they gallup in like wild horses. You just try to stay on them for as long as you can. And when they throw you off....you just wait in the shade until they come around again. -- Jimmy Buffett
Meader's Law: Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to everyone you know, only more so.
Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, And every vector dreams of matrices. Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: It whispers of a more ergodic zone. -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
I'm a real connoisseur you know... with the emphasis on 'sewer'. -- Bob
I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it. -- Thomas Jefferson
You'll never hear certain music again! -- Dirk
"if you are fat, no matter what you wear, nothing is going to make you sexier" -- Steve Austin( Not The Wrestler!)
"He early on let her know who is the boss. He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss." -- Anonymous
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal. -- Anonymous
"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices." -- William James
We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
Perfection does not exists - only the evolution towards it. -- Motto, Ferrari Formula One (1975-6)
"Half of the American people never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half." -- Gore Vidal
There is something to be said for sleep. Unfortunately, I'm too tired to say it. -- Emily
This from the man with the culinary expertise of a two headed goat! -- our RA, Bill, upon hearing a recommendation from my roommate, Tim.
When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary. -- Thomas Paine
"If the Justice Brandeis statue is supposed to represent Truth, what would it represent if an out-of-control jeep with the statue at the driver's seat plowed into a crowd of people?" -- S.D. Gage
A victorious army first wins and then seeks battle. A defeated army first battles and then seeks victory. -- Sun Tzu, "The Art of War"
Business is a lot like a game of tennis - those who serve well usually end up winning -- Anonymous
"After I die, I shall return to earth as a gatekeeper of a bordello and I won't let any of you - not one of you - enter!" -- Arturo Toscanini - Rebuking an incompetant orchestra
"One of the greatest labor saving inventions of today is tomorrow." -- Vincent T. Foss
A real leader faces the music, even when he doesn't like the tune. -- Anonymous
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
This here is the man behind the man behind the man! -- Trent,
"If God had meant us to vote, He would have given us candidates." -- Seen on a bumper sticker
I wish I was a guy, so that I could wear skirts. -- Quinci, when a skirt-wearing man walked by.
Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
"Check Enclosed" -- Dorothy Parker - her version of the two most beautiful words in English
Don't I know you?
The only reward of virtue is virtue. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
A soft drink turneth away company.
"Where's my thing?" -- Michelle Zalas, looking for her binder
"Freedom of the press is limited to those who own one." -- Abbott Joseph Liebling
"Life is a zoo in a jungle." -- Peter De Vries
"We need a president who's fluent in at least one language. " -- Buck Henry
"It has been discovered experimentally that you can draw laughter from an audience anywhere in the world, of any class or race, simply by walking onto a stage and uttering the words "I am a married man"." -- Ted Kavanugh - British radio scriptwriter
"You know what's great about history? It's full of ignorant people, incest, power struggles, corrupt people,and a whole lot of killing. Wait a minute! That's America." -- Jeremy Agnew
"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" -- Abraham Lincoln
Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers. -- Anonymous
"Open up guys! It's the pigs!" -- Neil (When He Was A Policeman)
Paranoid Club meeting this Friday. Now ... just try to find out where!
Flowers are words which even a baby can understand. -- Arthur C. Coxe
Your fortune stateth: Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.  Watch for it everywhere.
One of life's greatest pleasures is soggy blueberry muffins. -- Maria Dopheide
Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing. -- The Mad Dogtender
"Don't think he's interested anymore, but ... Nothing like indifference to rouse my interest." -- Julie
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
"Uhh...how long do I have to stay dead?" -- "Mmmbop" after being killed by "Kitik" in an online sim
All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost.
I'll tell you what's bizarre... that guy's eyebrows are bizarre. -- Neil's Mom, while watching an OMC video.
(Beth yawns really big and doesn't bother to cover her mouth.) Brad looking at her: "You're hired."
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it. -- Donald Knuth
"Nothing is more despicable than respect based on fear." -- Albert Camus
He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news. -- Bertolt Brecht
Your fortune stateth: Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
For everything you have missed, you have gained something else. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion. -- Chinese proverb
My half-asleep friend was lighting his cigarette with his eyes closed: Me: Your cigarette is backwards. Him: I hate when that happens. (He lights it anyway, without looking.)
Reality continues to ruin my life. -- Calvin
In a war of ideas, it is people who get killed. -- Anonymous
If I could only have one thing for the rest of my life? That's easy... PEZ, Cherry flavored PEZ, no question about it. -- Less Than Jake
Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the instruction afterward.
Unwavering obedience to the true principals we learn will assure us spiritual survival. -- Anonymous
Furbling, v.: Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
"Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it." -- Gordon R. Dickson
Your fortune stateth: Just because the message may never be received does not mean it is not worth sending.
While one person hesitates because he feels inferior, the other is busy making mistakes and becoming superior. -- Henry C. Link
Since mechanically obtained randomness contains all kinds of possible permutations, including the most regular ones, it cannot be relied upon always to exhibit a pervasive irregularity. -- Rudolf Arnheim, "Entropy & Art"
On a bad day: Soup! Soup! I forgot how to spell the word soup! -- my friend Sam C., who really *is* a genius.
"Is that my hand? I hope that's my hand." -- a very drunk Paul B., with his hand over his face.
Don't force it, get a larger hammer. -- Anthony
"It's all just semantics until somebody loses an eye." -- Erin Lynn
Naeser's Law: You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
Genius is not a possession of the limited few, but exists in some degree in everyone. Where there is natural growth, a full and free play of faculties, genius will manifest itself. -- Robert Henri
I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
Nothing is a waste of time if you use the experience wisely. -- Auguste Rodin
I think there are only three things America will be known for 2,000 years from now when they study this civilization: the Constitution, jazz music, and baseball. -- Gerald Early, writer, baseball documentary, 1994
Innovation is hard to schedule. -- Dan Fylstra
(In a semi-dark house...) Karen: AAAAAAAAHHH! Matthew: What?!? Karen: My hair got in my face and I thought I had run into something.
Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end. -- Igor Stravinsky
"A dollar saved is a quarter earned." -- John Ciardi
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman
Man consists of body, mind and imagination. His body is faulty, his mind untrustworthy, but his imagination has made him remarkable. -- John Masefield
-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles.
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. -- The Wall Street Journal
Coffee has two virtues: it is wet and warm. -- Dutch Proverb
POSITIVE, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice. -- Ambrose Bierce
"Death comes along like a gas bill one can't pay." -- Anthony Burgess
"If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?" -- George Deacon.
Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it. -- Douglas Adams
"One day the don't-knows will get in, and then where will we be?" -- Spike Milligan - remark about a pre-election poll
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." -- Albert Einstein
We look forward to the time when the power to love of will replace the love of power. Then will our world know the blessings of peace. -- William Gladstone
It is one of the most beautiful compensations of this life that no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Nicky: The Virgin Mary was born on THAT day. She was the product of a virgin birth too. Me: Immaculate conception is not genetic.
"To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful." -- Bess Myerson
How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them.
"One form to rule them all, one form to find them, one form to bring them all and in the darkness rewrite the hell out of them." -- DEC, sendmail.cf
If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry. -- Chinese proverb
The real is always way ahead of what we can imagine. -- Paul Auster
"Crime does not pay ... as well as politics." -- Alfred E. Newman
The road to Hades is easy to travel. -- Bion
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them. -- Publilius Syrus
All of us had been trained by Kelly Johnson and believed fanatically in his insistence that an airplane that looked beautiful would fly the same way. -- Ben Rich, "Skunk Works"
"I don't like to eat... but I know I have to." -- Jeff
You know, art is the reason i get up in the morning, but my definition ends there, it doesn't seem fair that im living for something i can't even define, and there you are right there in the mean time. -- Ani Difranco
Truth can wait; he's used to it.
A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.
The good die young - because they see it's no use living if you've got to be good. -- Anonymous
Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.
Summer is the time when one sheds one's tensions with one's clothes, and the right kind of day is jeweled balm for the battered spirit. A few of those days and you can become drunk with the belief that all's right with the -- Ada Louise Huxta
I am not a pessimist; to perceive evil where it exists is, in my opinion, a form of optimism. -- R. Leakey
If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe?
Isn't it strange how we move out lives for another day? Like skipping a beat, what if a great wave should wash us all away? -- Dave Mathews Band
Your fortune stateth: Be careful!  Is it classified?
To err is humor.
"My teeth itch!" -- Jason, to a waitress after a long night of imbibing, when she asked "How's eveything here?"
Your fortune stateth: You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
Property may be destroyed and money may lose its purchasing power; but, character, health, knowledge and good judgement will always be in demand under all conditions. -- Roger Babson
Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. -- Clive James
Serious people have few ideas. People with ideas are never serious -- Paul Valery
"I hate it when those things fly out of my brain!" -- Mrs L., our calculus teacher, actually referring to random mistakes.
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.
"The real fact is that I could no longer stand their eternal cold mutton." -- Cecil Rhodes - explaining why he had left his friends in England and came to South Africa
Even the lion has to defend himself against flies. -- Anonymous
Your fortune stateth: A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
"I am the ultimate grand master of reverse continuity, and you wanna know why? Because there is no roman numeral for zero." -- Ellie
"It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value." -- Arthur C. Clarke
"No, no, no. Lobotomy scars are horizontal; axe wounds are vertical." -- Jason Gorton
"Bring the little ones unto me, and I will get a good price for them." -- Dr. Fegg's Encyclopeadia of _All_ World Knowledge
"I feel like a slug." -- Terry, lethargically. I hit him.
"Do you happen to have a stomach pump with you?" -- a diner at McDonald's
I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance.
"Why is this book called, 'Arthur Miller The Crucible'?" -- Bree Sidebottom
They should do a naked library run here. It'd be warmer than the quad run, and people could sit in the carrels and watch people run by. Or they could have a day when you have to be naked to go in the library -- I bet it'd be really crowded. -- Deborah
Television: A medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done. -- Ernie Kovacs
Who's General Failure and why's he reading my disk? -- Anonymous
Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much?
Ms. Asher: Does anyone have an art project? Vijay: Yes, but it's invisible. Ms Asher: Well, do you have it with you? Vijay: No. It's at home.
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, it only saps today of its joy. -- Leo Buscaglia
I am become death, shatterer of worlds. -- Robert J. Oppenheimer, citing from the Bhagavadgita, after witnessing the world's first nuclear explosion
The unfortunate thing about this world is that the good habits are much easier to give up than the bad ones. -- W. Somerset Maugham
"Tourists -- have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay?	I was hitchhiking." -- David Letterman
"Excuse my dust" -- Dorothy Parker - Epitaph
To educate a man is to unfit him to be a slave -- Fredrick Douglass
When in doubt, use brute force. -- Ken Thompson
There are only two classes - first class and no class -- David O. Selznick
The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach their children to speak it. -- G. B. Shaw
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box. -- Italian proverb
"Since both of its national products, snow and chocolate, melt, the cuckoo clock was invented solelly in order to give tourists something solid to remember it by." -- Alan Coren - British humorist and writer - on Switzerland
Architecture is the art of how to waste space. -- Philip Johnson
Oh my god, he DOES look like a meatloaf! -- Becky H., the first time she saw my cat
Hmmm. . . eternal happiness for one dollar? I'd rather keep the dollar. -- Burns
"The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it." -- Abbie Hoffman
"The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them." -- Vince
"I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?" -- Jean Kerr
Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
"Every man alone is sincere. At the entrance of a second person, hypocrisy begins." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"It is important to go through the steps to appreciate the impending apocalypse." -- Astronomy Prof Balbus, discussing supernovas.
Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde.
I loathe that low vice curiosity. -- Lord Byron
Alana (in costume for a play): "Look, I get to wear medieval underwear!" Allyson: "That's not medieval underwear. They had to wear corsets." Alana: "You're just jealous 'cuz I get to wear medieval underwear and you don't."
"Morning has broken me" -- my wife on Monday morning
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
Sometimes the truth hurts. And sometimes it feels real good. -- Henry Rollins
I believe a leaf of grass is no less than the journey-work of the stars. -- Walt Whitman
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
"I dunno. I just worry that he'll be experiencing my teeth." -- Beth, doing some deep thinking about kissing.
"For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision." -- Kelvin Throop III
Dylan is about the individual against creation. Beethoven is about one man's fist in the lightining clouds, Allen Ginsburg is about a confused mind writing down newspaper headlines from Mars! -- Allen Ginsburg- "is about"
He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
As you were, I was. As I am, you will be -- "Hell's Angels", Hunter S. Thompson
You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. -- F. Allen
VOTE, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country. -- Ambrose Bierce
CLERGYMAN, n. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of better his temporal ones. -- Ambrose Bierce
Nothing spoils fun like learning out it builds character. -- Calvin
My advice to you is to get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy: if not, you'll become a philosopher -- Socrates
You can fool too many of the people too much of the time. -- James Thurber
Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean. Tears from the depth of some divine despair Rise in the heart and gather to the eyes, In looking on the happy autumn-fields, And thinking of the days that are no more. -- Alfred Lord Tennyson
"#3532. The law neither does nor requires idle acts." -- California Civil Code, "Maxims of Jurisprudence"
"That girl's so skinny, she'd have to stand up twice to make a shadow!" -- Jean Williams, about a co-worker.
"Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made." -- Jean Giraudoux
If we were not all so interested in ourselves, life would be so uninteresting that none of us would be able to endure it. -- Schopenhauer
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious." -- William Feather
The strength of the genie comes from being in a bottle -- Richard Wilbur In Time
Why are you smashing up saucers, Rick? Your prints on 'em? I know just how you feel, man, y'dig? Sometimes saucers used to make me pretty angry too. Yeah, there's a lotta heads buried at the bottom of the garden because of a saucer in the works. -- Mike
You can call her an outdoor girl if she has the bloom of youth on her cheeks and the cheeks of youth in her bloomers. -- Anonymous
"It is true greatness to have in one the frailty of a man and the security of a god." -- Seneca
"I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last." -- Elvis Costello
Don't feed the bats tonight.
You won't see me surrender, you won't hear me confess, 'cause you left me with nothing, but I;ve worked with less... -- Ani Difranco
You are educated when you have the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or self-confidence. -- Robert Frost
If law school is so hard to get through... how come there are so many lawyers? -- Calvin Trillin
Your fortune stateth: You are capable of planning your future.
I like life... it's a pretty good deal. (a few seconds later) Well, not for everyone, but for me. -- Devon
Things are more like they are now than they have ever been before. -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
An artist, under pain of oblivion, must have confidence in himself, and listen only to his real master: Nature -- Auguste Renoir
"I'm not bitter, just vengeful." -- Paula
"When the least they could do to you was everything, then the most they could do to you suddenly held no terror." -- Terry Pratchett, Small Gods_
I had ambition, by which sin The angels fell; I climbed, and step by step, oh Lord, Ascended into Hell -- W. H. Davies, Ambition
And it even has my name signed in it... with the S spelled backwards and everything.... I guess that would be "written backwards" -- I would have been a pretty dumb kid to misspell an S. -- Celestial Voice
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? -- Abraham Lincoln
Idiot Box, n.: The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Good taste is the enemy of creativity. -- Pablo Picasso
When I think of New York, I think of a giant infant playing with high explosives -- Henry Miller
It's easy to have faith as long as it goes along with what you already know. -- Tom Wolfe, "The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test"
My Karma ran over your dogma. -- Anonymous
CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him. -- Ambrose Bierce
"I thought about becoming a communist tonight, but then I realized I'd have to share my beer." -- Erik Voigt
We regard God as an airman regards his parachute; it's there for emergencies but he hopes he'll never have to use it. -- C.S. Lewis
I lost my Oscar virginity to four girls and Dave Moore. -- Matt
Marriage is like a box of chocolates. You have to squeeze a few bottoms to make sure you like what you are getting. -- Anonymous
"We are at times too ready to believe that the present is the only possible state of things." -- Marcel Proust
"Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture on a rock." -- New York Times
kids -- Use "children," unless you are talking about goats. -- The Associated Press Stylebook
To love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. -- Eric Fromm
"I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time." -- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe." -- Jimmy Durante
"Print is the sharpest and the strongest weapon of our party." -- Joseph Stalin
"I'm getting, I'm getting, I'm getting... bored." -- David Wrensen (a.k.a. Nose Pick), on a very boring day.
"What luck for the rulers that men do not think." -- Adolf Hitler
Finagle's Fourth Law: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. -- H. L. Mencken
If you know the answer to a question, don't ask. -- Petersen Nesbit
DEFENSELESS, adj. Unable to attack. -- Ambrose Bierce
Do not count your chickens before they are hatched. -- Aesop
Go not to Usenet for counsel, for it will say both no, and yes, and no, and yes....
"Let's blow this duck out of the water and make it fly!" - - Dan and Lloyd, referring to their 18 month effort to start a company.
Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue. -- Virginia Woolf
Dear God, you are dredging up muck from the bottom of my brain lake. -- Jody LaFerriere
Nothing is so loud as hearing when we lie -- Toad The Wet Sprocket - All I Want
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages." -- H.L. Mencken
"I can't afford a new car. As for used cars, well, I already have one of those." -- Paul's Grandfather
If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched, then this sentence would not be false.
"Only a brain-damaged operating system would support task switching and not make the simple next step of supporting multitasking." -- George McFry
"It is wrong always, everywhere and for everyone to believe anything upon insufficient evidence." -- W.K. Clifford
"It's work that makes it suck." -- Pamela Ceccanti-Harris, while counting her blessings
Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better. -- Samuel Beckett
"Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat." -- Jim Davis - Garfield
I don't understand you anymore.
Sin is a dangerous toy in the hands of the virtuous. It should be left to the congenitally sinful, who know when to play with it and when to let it alone. -- H. L. Mencken
"Schizophrenia beats being alone." -- Anonymous
I have a confession... (pause) Well, not so much a confession -- just something to talk about. -- Karen
True greatness consists in the use of a powerful understanding to enlighten oneself and others. -- Voltaire
Do not sit on a mad cat.I learned that the hard way. -- Googiey
"Martyrdom has always been a proof of the intensity, never of the correctness of a belief." -- Arthur Schnitzler
The greatest spiritual truths, with the greatest ability to transform our lives, are often the ones that look superficially like the twisted and sick rantings of a permanently-adolescent mental inadequate. -- Pastor N. Pizzor
The charm of history and its enigmatic lesson consist in the fact that, from age to age, nothing changes and yet everything is completely different. -- Aldous Huxley
It ought to be impossible for someone to kick your butt when you're down and out and your back's against the wall, but it's not. -- S. Joslin
The frontiers are not east or west, north or south, but wherever a man "fronts" a fact. -- Henry David Thoreau, "Walden"
If a fool persists in his folly he shall become wise. -- William Blake
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. -- Eleanor Roosevelt
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
Why don't you write books people can read? -- Nora Joyce, to her husband James
Fantasie ist wichtiger als Wissen. -- Albert Einstein
The essentials to happiness are something to love, something to do, and something to hope for. -- William Blake
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." -- Groucho Marx
You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior executive.
To achieve the impossible dream, try going to sleep. -- Joan Klempner
There is this to be said in favor of drinking, that it takes the drunkard first out of society, then out of the world. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs." -- Fran Lebowitz
Happiness is something final and complete in itself, as being the aim and end of all practical activities whatever .... Happiness then we define as the active exercise of the mind in conformity with perfect goodness or virtue. -- Aristotle
"Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"When I was four years old they tried to test my IQ, they showed me this picture of three oranges and a pear. They asked me which one is different and does not belong, they taught me different was wrong." -- - Ani Difranco
Facts an' facts, an' t'ings an t'ings: dem's all a lotta fockin' bullshit. Hear me! Dere is no truth but de one truth, an' that is the truth of Jah Rastafari. -- Bob Marley
The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't. -- Douglas Adams
One learns more from a good scholar in a rage than from a score of lucid and laborious drudges. -- Rudyard Kipling
In the name of God! Stop that pizza delivery truck! -- Howdi
I may look calm, but beneath this cool exterior is a churning iceberg ready to explode.
"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm the only ashtray."
Go on, get out - last words are for fools who haven't said enough. -- Karl Marx
Art doesn't transform. It just plain forms. -- Roy Lichtenstein
"The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues." -- Elizabeth Taylor
"I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died." -- Steven Wright
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after.
God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through. -- Paul Valery
I am a patient boy. I wait, I wait, I wait. My time, water down the drain. -- Fugazi
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds the most discoveries, is not "Eureka!", but "That's funny..." -- Isaac Asimov
Revolution is not something fixed in ideology, nor is it something fashioned to a particular decade. It is a perpetual process embedded in the human spirit. -- Abbie Hoffman
Theirs NO government like NO government!!!! -- Sam
Law of Communications: The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding.
A lifetime is more than sufficiently long for people to get what there is of it wrong. -- Anonymous
It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final. -- Roger Babson
Dieu me pardonnera. C'est son metier. Translation: God will forgive me. It's his job. -- Heinrich Heine, dying words
We shall not capitulate... no never. We may be destroyed, but if we are, we shall drag a world with us... a world in flames. -- Adolf Hitler
Your fortune stateth: If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
"Breddette Batteries!!!" --Ellie's brother at about age 3
"Well, the movie's got stuff blowing up. It can't be that bad." -- Shay, before watching The Fifth Element.
The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people. -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. -- Janis Joplin,"Me and Bobby McGee"
In every man's heart there is a secret nerve that answers to the vibrations of beauty. -- Christopher Morley
You know, if you and I weren't such close friends, I wouldn't like you very much. -- Alana, after being insulted by Ally
"The man who insists on seeing with perfect clearness before he decides, never decides." -- Henri Fredric Amiel
"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?" -- Henry Youngman
Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time for play?
Money is like manure: It's not worth anything unless you spread it around. -- Anonymous
Whoever controls the media, controls the mind. -- Jim Morrison
I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
Let the beer flow like wine! -- Chris Polack
A man's friendships are one of the best measures of his worth. -- Charles Darwin
C, n.: A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn't. -- Ray Simard
You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty. -- Henrick Ibson
Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
Free speech is the right to shout 'theater' in a crowded fire. -- A Yippie proverb
"Nothing like seeing your best friend do something better than me to get me motivated!" -- Julie
Life is a mystery, not a problem to be solved -- Albert Einstein
"It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail." -- Gore Vidal
Instead of tug o' war, let's play hug o' war -- Shel Silverstein
"Have you always been a year younger than me?" -- Garrett
I can't believe I lost it. I've never lost anything in my life.... Not even my virginity! -- J.A.S.S., upon realizing that he'd lost his wallet.
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
Put in on the heater. -- Doug's solution to everything.
Laetrile is the pits
I'm a drunkard. I whip monkeys. -- P. Casson
A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for?
Mike was hoping to pick Eliza up... Eliza: "What are your feelings on linoleum?" Mike: "Erotic."
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. -- Calvin Coolidge
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
Serocki's Stricture: Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
J'aime les sensation forte. -- Ian Fleming
Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
People may or may not say what they mean ... but they always say something designed to get what they want. -- David Mamet
Littering is dumb. -- Ronald Macdonald
Man is the measure of all things. -- Protagoras
I'm going to go inside and watch the Brady Bunch, and I don't mind telling you I find four of those children very arousing. -- Duckman
Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. -- Leonard Brandwein
"You won't see people walking around with noses in their ears but...." -- Mrs.Heep, U.S. History Teacher, talking about the Nez Perce Indians.
Your fortune stateth: Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
"Consumers are statistics. Customers are people." -- Stanley Marcus
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
"I could dance with you till the cows come home. Better still, I'll dance with the cows and _You_ come home." -- Groucho Marx
A period of travel and relaxation when you take twice the clothes and half the money you need. -- Anonymous
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." -- Rita Mae Brown
There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too. -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps." -- Emo Philips
After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations. -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
Thank Heaven! the crisis --The danger, is past, and the lingering illness, is over at last --, and the fever called "Living" is conquered at last. -- Edgar Allan Poe
Like dogs in a wheel, birds in a cage, or squirrels in a chain, ambitious men still climb and climb, with great labor, and incessant anxiety, but never reach the top. -- Robert Browning
Your fortune stateth: Excellent time to become a missing person.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. -- Steven Wright
Matt: Well, maybe you could go to homecoming with Emily. Aaron: Yes, she would satiate me. Matt: What?! Why would she say she ate you? Aaron: Because, she's good-looking! Matt: What does that have to do with eating you?
"I'm looking forward to the time when I get to be an animated character with a wonderful singing voice and cartoon hair that never needs excessive brushing." -- Jim, on life as a fairy tale.
"If you have to hate, hate gently"
"You're my lovey, fuzzy, rattle-snake-headed, gooey, stupid, stinky-bear!" -- The girl whose name dare not be spoken (a.k.a. Sherry)
I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere.
How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? -- Elliot, "E.T."
"Art, like morality, consists of drawing the line somewhere." -- G.K. Chesterton
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. -- Mitch Ratliffe, Technology Review, April, 1992
"Tax the tea otherwise we'll tax you!" Later, holding a wooden block in my mom's face: "Tax this!" -- Ellie's brother, trying to re-enact the Boston Tea Party, at about age 5.
"I'll just abandon my dream of painless employment and settle for random shooting sprees in a misguided effort to prove that factory work is cruel and unusual punishment." -- Jen
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. -- Woody Allen
"They pop out! Like Pop Tarts!" -- Some guy I (Jason Holliman) was making keys for at Wal-Mart
COMMENDATION, n. The tribute that we pay to achievements that resembles, but do not equal, our own. -- Ambrose Bierce
Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence. -- Albert Einstein
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. -- Stephen Wright
If your professor wrote it, it's as near to the truth as you ever need to get. -- John Watson, University of Canterbury
An expert knows all the answers -- if you ask the right questions. -- Anonymous
-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Change is the nature of the universe. -- I Ching, "The Book of Change"
You can never do just one thing. -- Hardin
Alimony is the high cost of leaving.
The fruition of beauty is no chance of hit or miss... it is inevitable as life. -- Walt Whitman
"Assassination is the extreme form of censorship." -- George Bernard Shaw
Style is merely the outside of content, and content the inside of style. -- Jean-Luc Godard
Your fortune stateth: Your goose is cooked. (Your current chick is burned up too!)
(During a conversation about male organs) Joe: I like to think of mine as "Little Joe". Jeff: I call mine Russel. Joe: Russel? Jeff: Russel the Love Muscle.
Opera in English is, in the main, about as sensible as baseball in Italian. -- H. L. Mencken
"Put on your hobbit costume and go -- AAAAAAAGH! GET THE GODDAMN CAT OFF ME!"
Deborah: My friend said she might come to the next meeting. James: Is she hot? Deborah: No, but she's Canadian! -- At a meeting of our newspaper's staff
The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit. -- W. Somerset Maugham
In its early stages, insomnia is almost an oasis in which those who have to think or suffer darkly take refuge. -- Colette
Never fear shadows.... that always means there is a light shining somewhere. -- Jonathan Santos
Bride, n.: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. -- Winston Churchill
It is not for me to change you. The question is, how can I be of service to you without diminishing your degrees of freedom? -- Buckminster Fuller
"The smartest thing I ever did was let someone else do my homework." -- Confused Algebra II Student
A baby is an inestimable blessing and bother. -- Mark Twain
"Now we just work in 'ack'." -- John to Jen at work, sighing over an abbreviated envelope addressed to accounting
When I'm near the end of a book, I need to sleep in the same room with it. -- Joan Didion
"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon" -- heard from a frat brother
"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thoughts." -- Winston Churchill
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. -- Anonymous
Which is more musical: a truck passing by a factory or a truck passing by a music school? -- John Cage
Did you know that if you play the New Kids On The Block record backwards, it actually sounds better. -- Bill Hicks
Love matches are made by people who are content, for a month of honey, to condemn themselves to a life of vinegar. -- Countess of BlessingtonIn charity there is no excess. -- Francis Bacon
It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue. -- Voltaire
"This is abysmal. I broke my nose" -- Jessie D.
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it. -- Anonymous
Human beings are the only creatures on Earth that allow their children to come back home. -- Bill Cosby
"The straightest line between a short distance is two points." -- Kellie explaining geometry
Reporter, n.: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
From now on, I'll connect the dots my own way. -- Calvin
I'm running out of everything now. Out of veins, out of money. -- William S. Burroughs
Go swimming in a pool of jello -- it's FUN!! -- Molly Jay
"My definition of an expert in any field is a person who knows enough about what's really going on to be scared." -- P. J. Plauger
Your fortune stateth: The time is right to make new friends.
Your fortune stateth: You have an unusual equipment for success.  Be sure to use it properly.
"You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony." -- John Barrymore
While looking at high school homecoming pictures: Melissa: Wow Lex! You look like a prom queen or something! Alexis: I looked like a frog queen? Gee, thanks a lot! Melissa: No, prom queen! Prom queen! Alexis: You don't have to get mean about it.
Nich: You're born naked, and you die naked. Matt: Well, if you're planning on being electrocuted in the bathtub.
Men never do evil so fully and cheerfully as when we do it out of conscience. -- Blaise Pascal, "Pensees"
"... nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure." -- Ross Macdonald
An era can be said to end when its basic illusions are exhausted. -- Arthur Miller
I'm not offering myself as an example; every life evolves by its own laws.
Education is the state-controlled manufacture of echoes. -- Norman Douglas
Imagine what we can imagine! -- Arthur Rubinstein
"Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe." -- Herbert George Wells
Your fortune stateth: Today is the last day of your life so far.
They also surf who only stand on waves.
Your fortune stateth: You are sick, twisted and perverted.  I like that in a person.
The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate Planning."
Successful leaders have the courage to take action where others hesitate. -- Anonymous
"What I need is not to get laid. What I need is the power to decide who lives and who dies." -- Jennifer's wishful response to the inconsiderate clods at work.
One can survive everything, nowadays, except death, and live down everything except a good reputation. -- Oscar Wilde
"Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about." -- Philippe Schnoebelen
New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and his wife most often reminds him to act it. -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue -- Airplane!
Don't quit now, we might just as well lock the door and throw away the key.
If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
Your fortune stateth: Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past but fortunately, it can still be changed today.
"I could get more help looking at a tomato." -- Mom
Your fortune stateth: Your aim is high and to the right.
I really believe, or want to believe, really I am nuts, otherwise I'll never be sane. -- Allen Ginsberg
Love is shown in your deeds, not in your words. -- Fr. Jerome Cummings
Baruch's Observation: If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
Great designers innovate, good designers emulate. -- Mark Stosberg
No matter how much you do you never do enough.
"God created sex. Priests created marriage." -- Voltaire
Ricky: What's up? Chris: The opposite of down.
Your fortune stateth: Don't get to bragging.
"You're a disgrace to twindom world wide!" -- John
Jenn: "We are the only team in the diocese with a perfect record. It's 0 and 8." -- Cheerleader Jenn, talking to dad at the end of football season, 7th grade.
"The covers of this book are too far apart." -- Ambrose Bierce
Only God can make random selections.
"Now, if you see that your lab partner has ignited himself, please put him out." -- Mrs. Hoehn, high school chem teacher.
"All progress is based upon the universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income." -- Samuel Butler
I want something small to eat -- like a cake. -- Genna Stelling.
Girl 1: "You know how everyone says they're middle class. I'm not middle class. My family's rich." Girl 2: "Yeah, me too." -- Overheard in Soc. 101 Univ. of New Mexico
Your fortune stateth: Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.
"Wow, beer bubbles are heavy." -- Jen, after blowing a bubble off the neck of a beer bottle and watching it plummet to the floor.
A dance is a measured pace, as a verse is a measured speech. -- Francis Bacon
"Nicknames stick to people, and the most ridiculous are the most adhesive." -- Thomas Chandler Haliburton
When your memory goes, forget it!
If you cannot convince them, confuse them. -- Harry S Truman
"you dont now me, you just ment me, you wont let me, well if i couldnt have it..silly rabbit why ya sweet me" -- Tupac
Surprise due today. Also the rent.
"God's not in Indiana?" "No, Satan lives in Indiana. God just stays away." -- Cheri & Benji
A friend is always good to have, but a lovers kiss is better than angels raining down on me -- - Dave Matthews
"Sarcasm is not an effective teaching tool!" -- Dr. T.J. Bistocchi, Superintendent UCVT
"?" -- Victor Hugo - Entire telegram sent to his publishers asking how _Les Miserables_ was selling, the reply: "!".
"The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time." -- Bertrand Russell
I'm stupid; that's my role here. -- Jeff
Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you.
"Work is the curse of the drinking class." -- Oscar Wilde
That men do not learn very much from the lessons of history is the most important of all the lessons that history has to teach. -- Aldous Huxley
Cold, adj.: When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets.
"These are days you'll remember." If you recall nothing else from your graduation ceremony, remember you heard the New Jersey Governor quote from 10,000 Maniacs. -- Christine Todd, NJ Governor, Wheaton College Graduation, 1995
"#3547. A thing continues to exist as long as is usual with things of that nature." -- California Civil Code, "Maxims of Jurisprudence"
Usenet is like Tetris for people who still remember how to read. -- Button from the Computer Museum, Boston, MA
The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's. -- Polish proverb
"My philosophy of life is that the meek shall inherit nothing but debasement, frustration, and ignoble deaths..." -- Harlan Ellison
The Mom (in the play): Go ahead, make a wish.... The Daughter (in the play): What shall I wish for? The Mom: Anything. The Daughter: I wish, I wish.... Chris: I wish I was in a bettr play..... -- while watching the play "The Glass Menagerie"
"Stop being a poopoo head!" "I don't want to stop being a 'poopoo head' as you call it." -- conversation between me and my girlfriend
"I look like a squirrel." -- Random person on the subway.
No good deed goes unpunished. -- Clare Boothe Luce
"I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes." -- Dave Barry
A teacher is one who makes himself progressively unnecessary. -- Thomas Carruthers
A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." -- Steven Wright
Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history. -- George Bernard Shaw
I'm bewildered, yo! -- Jessica, responding to a comment on her blonde hair.
"His hair was perfect." -- Warren Zevon
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
No matter what you've done for yourself or for humanity, if you can't look back on having given love and attention to your own family, what have you really accomplished? -- Anonymous
The Churches must learn humility as well as teach it. -- George Bernard Shaw, St. Joan
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones
Sleep is for wimps. Happy, healthy, well-rested wimps, but wimps nonetheless.
Words can never express what words can never express.
The universe is laughing behind your back. -- Anonymous
Whoever invented work should burn in hell!! -- Aviry
"Disobedience is the true foundation of liberty. The obedient must be slaves." -- Henry David Thoreau
"There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex." -- Billy Joel
There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. -- Gloria Steinem
I hadn't read Charlotte's Web in years. I was overdue. Overdue for so many things that didn't involve guns or killing people. -- Cerulean Sins, "Laurell K. Hamilton"
I have all theses great genes, But they're recessive. That's the problem here. -- Calvin's Dad
Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: Superiority is recessive.
F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
The philosopher's treatment of a question is like the treatment of an illness. -- Wittgenstein.
"I have had a very pleasure and you have made a big indent on me". -- Very drunk woman white suburban woman to the old black bassist in a Chicago blues bar.
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time. -- E. B. White
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Keith: "What can I have for lunch?" Katie, who just cut herself: "Crap!"
Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
I am a bear of very little brain, and long words bother me. -- Winnie the Pooh, character created by author A. A. Milne
"Dinner theater is anti-culture." -- John Simon
Those that go searching for love, only manifest their own lovelessness. And the loveless never find love, only the loving find love. And they never have to seek for it. -- D.H. Lawrence
"You can't have too many Barbies, but you only need one Ken." -- Magnolia's daughter
Your lucky number has been disconnected.
" you know what happens to popular people...They get fat" -- Unknown
I want you to hate me as much as i loved you. -- Jux Czar
Great minds think alike. -- Anonymous
Vita brevis, ars longa, -- Hippocrates
The problem with allowing the engineers who create a program also write its "Help" and "Tutorials" is that you get: People who cannot write, writing "Help" for people who do not need help. -- Mark Rector
"I'm a Jedi of the Far Side" -- Brent
Your fortune stateth: Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it. -- Glaser and Way
"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company." -- Lily Tomlin
Mustgo, n.: Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project. -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times. -- Anonymous
Chad: "Is that Monie's music playing?" Isaac: "Yah, it's Bach." Chad: "Well thank God for decrescendos."
"Hatred is gained as much by good works as by evil." -- Niccolo Machiavelli
Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
A good slogan can stop thought for fifty years. A great slogan can stop it forever.
If there is anything better than to be loved it is loving. -- Anonymous
The Church says that the Earth is flat, but I know that it is round. For I have seen the shadow on the moon and I have more faith in the Shadow than in the Church. -- Ferdinand Magellan
"My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
Ordinary riches can be stolen; real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. -- Oscar Wilde
Those who come seeking peace without a treaty are plotting. -- Sun Tzu, "The Art of War"
"No Mommy, I couldn't have been born head-first, because my feet would get hung up on the way out!" -- 5 year old daughter
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. -- Saki, "The Square Egg"
You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. -- Alfred Kahn
In the halls of justice, the only justice is in the halls. -- Lenny Bruce
Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the world has ever seen. -- Anonymous
"My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself." -- Emo Philips
...A library is also a place where love begins. -- Rudolfo Anaya
Backward conditioning: Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. -- Groucho Marx
There is only one success -- to be able to spend your life in your own way -- 20th Century American Writer Christopher Morley
Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever. -- J. Hawes
"To every Ph.D there is an equal and opposite Ph.d." -- B. Duggan
If crime fighters fight crime, and fire fighters fight fire, then what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that to us, do they? -- George Carlin
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life - It goes on. -- Robert Frost
My English teacher threatened to spank me again today. -- Felicia
"It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg." -- Thomas Jefferson
The only certainty is that nothing is certain. -- Pliny the Elder
In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) are to be treated as variables.
"What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?" -- Bertold Brecht
Memory should be the starting point of the present.
RADIUM, n. A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ that a scientist is a fool with. -- Ambrose Bierce
"And what can a poor boy do?" -- Rolling Stones
DOn't forget the struggle don't forget the streets. United we stand, divided we fall you've got to keep the faith! -- Ray-Beez
The best prophet of the future is the past.
I think kids appreciate it when adults actually treat them like people. Little, stupid people who cry a lot. -- Bob Van Voris
"Where are you taking us?" "We're going to HELL!" "Do they have food there?" "Burnt food." "Cajun food."
Junk is not like alchohol or weed, a means to inreased enjoyment of life. Junk is not a kick. It is a way of life. -- William S. Burroughs
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to lay down on his back and float in it, then you have something. -- Joe E. Brown
Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
"Propaganda is to democracy what violence is to totalitarianism." -- Noam Chomsky
A morning without coffee is like something without something else.
"im hungry. lets got get a taco <br>Mr. Pink: Why do I have to be Mr. Pink?<br> Joe: Because your a faggot, alright -- Resevoir Dogs
If you would thoroughly know anything, teach it to others. -- Tryon Edwards
BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...)
The optimum committee has no members. -- Norman Augustine
"Quarters equal laundry." -- Jan Hittle
If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell. -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class. Espcially since I rule. -- Randal
For religious education class my son had to describe what his conscience is. His answer: "If it weren't for my conscience I'd be sinning all the time." -- Reed Schulke
He who seeks titles, invites his own downfall. -- "Tao Te Ching", Chapter 9
Men of genius have a way utterly peculiar to themselves of seeing things. -- Eugene Delacroix
"A promiscuous person is someone who is getting more sex than you are." -- Victor Lownes
"Life is either always a tight-rope or a featherbed. Give me a tight-rope." -- Edith Wharton
"For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind." "Whose?" "MINE! HA-HA!"
"A dirty mind is a joy forever." -- Randy Kunkee
In God we trust; all else we walk through.
"There is a great difference between not wishing to do evil and not knowing how." -- Seneca
Morris dancing is an exercise in fertility.
The wheel that squeaks the loudest is the first to be replaced. -- Anonymous
They wrote in the old days that it is sweet and fitting to die for one's country. But in modern war, there is nothing sweet nor fitting in your dying. You will die like a dog for no good reason. -- Ernest Hemmingway
Isn't life a series of images that change as they repeat themselves? -- Andy Warhol
Boling's postulate: If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
Conversation in a car that kept backing into a pole in a parking lot: MK: Do you want one of us to get out and help you? Katherine: Nah, I'll just keep hitting it.
"Get friends who drive!" -- Allyson, as a kid on a bike smacked my car as he was crossing the street.
Good timber does not grow with ease. The stronger the wind the stronger the trees. -- J. Willard Marriott
"The intro and commercial break thingies on this show are weird" -- Ellie, while watching MTV's Top 10 Breakdown.
Where there is much light there is also much shadow. -- Goethe
"Drive it like you stole it" -- Seen on a bumper sticker
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. -- Mark Twain
"If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your thing." -- Warren Miller
You can't lose something you never had. -- Kate Hudson, "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days"
"The surest way to be late is to have plenty of time." -- Leo Kennedy
"All I ever wanted was to be their son, but no! I had to be the little slave boy!" -- Jon ranting about bad memories playing house with his older brother and sister.
There is a dignity in dying that doctors should not dare to deny. -- Anonymous
Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety. -- Benjamin Franklin
DeVries's Dilemma: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper.
When I was younger, there was a house on my street that I thought was haunted. At night you'd hear screams coming from all over the house...plus anyone who went in, never came out. Later I found out it was just a murderers house. -- Jack Handey
"I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Well, my head's cold in the shade, so I think the salad will be fine." -- Lisa
Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
"Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp -- or what's a heaven for?" -- Robert Browning
This is another opportunity in which to exhale... -- ej
BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...)
I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead. -- Mark Twain
Good friends are good for your health. -- Irwin Sarason
Your fortune stateth: You will be surprised by a loud noise.
"A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer." -- Robert Frost
Fate is an open road, and all you can do is put your foot on the gas and Drive, Baby Drive. -- Padraig Flynn
-Come on, son, let's watch some telvision. -What's on, Dad? -It doesn't matter... -- Homer
What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts -- not the facts themselves. -- Cohen's Law
Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused. -- Anonymous
Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree." -- Russell Long
Words have a longer life than deeds. -- Pindar
We are what we repeatedly do. -- Aristotle
Mary: So did you get to first base? Beth: First base? I never left the concession stand.
Money - the root of all evil.... Man needs roots. -- Anonymous
"A bat! A batabatabatabatabat!" "It was probably a bird! A birdabirdabirdabirdabird!" -- Carrie and Jen, one evening at camp, in response to something that flew overhead.
Your fortune stateth: You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.
"I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe" -- Anonymous
If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing. -- Anonymous
I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. -- G. K. Chesterton
Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
Your fortune stateth: A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
Your fortune stateth: You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity. -- Henry Van Dyke
"Humility is no substitute for a good personality." -- Fran Lebowitz
True art is characterized by an irresistible urge in the creative artist. -- Albert Einstein
The truth is the light and light is the truth. -- Ralph Ellison, "Invisible Man"
Magpie, n.: A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"I am the emperor, and I want dumplings." -- Ferdinand I - Emperor of Austria
The purpose of art is to lay bare the questions which have been hidden by the answers. -- James Baldwin
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest.
Dan: "Wow, I'm a complete idiot!" James: "Okay hold on, lemme get this on paper."
"The modern pantheist not only sees the god in everything, he takes photographs of it." -- D.H. Lawrence
I've been there.
Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization? Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
Andy: (With a straight face) "Tony, would you jiggle my mouse for me?" Tony: (With a look of terror)"WHAT?!" -- Andy, requesting that Tony deactivate his screen saver.
What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself. -- Abraham H. Maslow
Four things come not back -- the spoken word, the sped arrow, the past life, and the neglected opportunity. -- - Arabian Proverb
Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, and parking for the faculty.
Don't hate, it's too big a burden to bear. -- Martin Luther King, Sr.
"My specific goal is to revolutionize the future of the species. Mathematics is just another way of predicting the future." -- Ralph Abraham
Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.
Aquadextrous, adj.: Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Your fortune stateth: You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
A mushroom cloud has no silver lining.
Wine hath drowned more men than the sea. -- Thomas Fuller
If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion. -- Anonymous
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children. -- Clarence Darrow
Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point. -- Jack Handey
"I like wearing these boots. They make me feel pissed off." -- Julie
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" -- John Mendosa
This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time -- Fight Club
There's no heavier burden than a great potential.
"The monkey doesn't fall far from the tree." -- [Uh, we lost the name attached to this one. Sounds to us like something "Uncle" Ben or maybe Paul B. would say. But we don't know. We're sorry.]
"You CANNOT have fun with yourself." -- Mrs. Dee Jay Ducet, in a desperate attempt to explain reflexive verbs.
Nothing will benefit human health and increase the chances for survival of life on Earth as much as the evolution to a vegetarian diet. -- Albert Einstein
Happiness is a warm puppy. -- Charles Schulz
Like a prune, you are not getting any better looking, but you are getting sweeter. -- N. D. Stice
"Remember one thing, a pop machine without Barq's is an angry pop machine." -- Jason Holliman
Before you kill somebody, make absolutely sure he isn't well connected. -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Slaughterhouse Five"
"There is no wild beast so ferocious as Christians who differ concerning their faith." -- William Edward Hartpole Lecky
There is a time for many words, and there is also a time for sleep. -- Homer
Erica: "What's wrong with you?" Dana: "I have an extra letter in my alphabet."
The love we give away is the only love we keep. -- Elbert Hubbard
Misfortunes one can endure. But to suffer for one's own faults -- ah! -- there is the sting of life -- Oscar Wilde
You can't push with a rope. -- Physics professor, describing compression and tension.
Metermaids eat their young.
"Public opinion sets bounds to every government, and is the real sovereign in every free one." -- James Madison
MILLENNIUM, n. The period of a thousand years when the lid is to be screwed down, with all reformers on the under side. -- Ambrose Bierce
If we don't come back, avenge our deaths! -- Tomas Terfloth, to Jaryn's mom, right before a road trip.
"They're *grumble* stupid *cuss* *grumble*." -- Tanith
"It's like eating puppies!!" -- overheard by Aviry & Roxie while passing an ostrich-burger stand.
"Don't do it, Jimmy. 'Cos if you do, I'll hafta cook you up like a punk-ass trickster." -- Eric Fitzpatrick (in response to threat of being pranked by his flat-mate)
"Hey, why's he keep riding up his pants like that?" "Have no idea, darling. Either he's got an atomic wedgie, he's fingering himself, or he's got a bad case of jock itch." -- Will, while watching Michael Jackson's "In the Closet" video.
Different eyes see different things. Different hearts beat on different strings. But there are times for you and me when all such things agree. -- Rush
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." -- Jack Handey
"If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies." -- Fran Lebowitz
"It is better to burn out then fade away " -- Neil Young
Larkinson's Law: All laws are basically false.
"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate." -- Steven Wright
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom.
Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly.
I have made this letter longer than usual, because I lack the time to make it short. -- Blaise Pascal
Addie (looking through old yearbook): There's a black guy in here from 1938! Sarah: You mean they had black people in 1938?!
A mind is a wonderful thing to waste.
Sweat is the perfume of lovers. -- Geggy Tah
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy. -- Anonymous
Dan: What does the H stand for in Jesus H. Christ? Burke: (in salesman voice) That's H as in SUPER SAVINGS!!! Dan: But there is no H in Super Savings. Burke: See, you saved a letter already!
"I think it's the father" -- Tyler, age 8, responding to the trivia question: "What is the smelliest member of the rodent family?"
I've never brought any meat into the house. Well, except for that placenta, but I planted that already. -- Laura Moon
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies." -- Groucho Marx
No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings. -- William Blake
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
The meek shall inherit the earth, except for a very thin layer at the surface. -- Mishe Piet's best answer to Jehovah's Witness visitors.
A government is the only known vessel that leaks from the top. -- James Reston
The first time Paul B. got drunk, and he was regretting it: Paul to Greg: "Beat me up!" Greg: "Pick you up?" Paul: "No, BEAT me up! Pass me out!"
"I've never felt so blonde in my entire life." -- Jennifer, visiting a worship service at Temple Adath Israel.
"I can't see that it's wrong to give him a little legal experience before he goes out to practice law." -- John F. Kennedy - on being criticized for making his brother Robert Attorney General
It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as high as the eagle?
All you need is love. -- The Beatles, song title
Boredom is the feeling that everything is a waste of time; serenity, that nothing is. -- Thomas Szasz
You are all you will ever have for certain. -- June Havoc
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
"Advertising reaches out to touch the fantasy part of people's lives. and you know, most people's fantasies are pretty sad." -- Frederik Pohl
Your fortune stateth: You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far.  Especially if they are dead.
"I like onions. I just don't like how they taste." -- Ted
When you're in a slump, it's almost as if you look out at the field and it's one big glove -- Vance Law
Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
Your fortune stateth: You teach best what you most need to learn.
[...] beauty, which, in relation to actions, as we have seen, comes unsought, and comes because it is unsought [...] -- Ralph Waldo
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. -- Groucho Marx
Anything I've ever done that ultimately was worthwhile...initially scared me to death. -- Betty Bender
"Okay, there's a difference between love and screwing. Love is all gentle and sweet and stuff, and screwing is just going BOOM BOOM BOOM AS HARD AS YOU CAN!" -- Jess, explaining her philosophy, on a dark, quiet street, with accompanying motions.
"You're an idiot! (His fist pounds the table with each letter...) I-D-O-T!" -- Cecil
Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve. -- George Bernard Shaw
"Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves." -- Dorothy Parker
Trust everybody, but cut the cards. -- Finley Peter Dunne
"Jesus died too soon. If he had lived to my age he would have repudiated his doctrine." -- Friedrich Nietzsche
OPTION PARALYSIS: The tendency, when given unlimited choices, to make none. -- Douglas Coupland
"Pascal is not a high-level language." -- Steven Feiner
"For the world is hollow and pig brains are spewing out of her eyes." -- My friend Selena's version of the Star Trek episode "For the world is hollow and I have touched the sky."
"Those who do not plan for the future will have to live through it anyway." -- Len Fisher
"You should study abroad in London with us" "No, I can't even speak french!" -- Kelly
"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
Love is wrong, and girls are FUCKIN EVIL !! -- The Ataris
The cowards never started -- and the weak died along the way. -- Anonymous
MISFORTUNE, n. The kind of fortune that never misses. -- Ambrose Bierce
Beware of geeks bearing graft.
"Is not the whole world a vast house of assignation to which the filing system has been lost?" -- Quentin Crisp
Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now I can remember things that *have* happened before ...
Eat, drink, and be merry; for tomorrow, we die. -- Dmb
Democracy, the decietful theory that the jew would insinuate. Namely that all men are created equal. -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
Is death legally binding?
If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them. -- Henry David Thoreau, "Walden"
"People, some good, some bad, but in the long run we come out even." -- Jan Hittle
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people. -- G. K. Chesterton
Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first. -- Anonymous
"That would make it practically impossible to draw a chalk outline." -- Ellie
Your fortune stateth: You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
Few cases of eyestrain have been developed by looking on the bright side of things. -- Anonymous
Every time you manage to close the door on Reality, it comes in through the window.
Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door.
Whenever I see a Frans Hals I feel like painting, but when I see a Rembrandt I feel like giving up! -- Max Liebermann
Having supplied them with names, omnipotence, justice, knowledge, providence, - what are they? -- Anonymous
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
"I think something's wrong with the washing machine. The clothes just keep going around and around, but no water is coming out." -- Michele, after putting all her clothes and detergent in the dryer.
"As long as we're going to reinvent the wheel again, we might as well try making it round this time." -- Mike Dennison
If I had any humility I would be perfect. -- Ted Turner
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.
I have a great deal of company in my house; especially in the morning, when nobody calls. -- Henry David Thoreau, "Walden"
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. -- Jack Handey
...as hollow as the "o" in god... -- Marilyn Manson
Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.
It wasn't nearly as fun as falling off the cliff. -- Nicki
Your fortune stateth: Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want." -- Calvin
"Maybe this world is another planet's hell." -- Aldous Huxley
"It's good to know that if I behave strangely enough, society will take full responsibility for me." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
Your fortune stateth: Don't read everything you believe.
If you stick your head in the sand, one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked.
"Attila the Hen" -- Clement Freud - British liberal politician and broadcaster - on Margarest Thatcher.
Only barbarians are not curious about where they come from, how they came to be where they are, where they appear to be going, whether they wish to go there, and if so, why, and if not, why not. -- Isaiah Berlin
"If the Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?" -- Christy to baseball-nut boyfriend
God, I want to be a monkey! -- Deborah
Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it.
"In short, N is Richardian if, and only if, N is not Richardian."
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
"Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people." -- Oscar Wilde
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. -- Abraham Lincoln
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I believe the devil and the Lord have been dancing all along. -- Dave
The computing field is always in need of new cliches. -- Alan Perlis
COMMENT Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, A medley of extemporanea; And love is thing that can never go wrong; And I am Marie of Roumania. -- Dorothy Parker
"A typical triumph of modern science to find the only part of Randolph that was not malignant and remove it." -- Evelyn Vaugh - British novelist - on hearing that Randolph Churchill had had a non-cancerous lung removed
I am kind of paranoid in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy. -- J. D. Salinger
Your fortune stateth: Caution: Keep out of reach of children.
"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to." -- Elvis Presley
Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind; and there for is wing'd cupid painted blind. -- Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream, Act I, Scene I, [Helena]
"Of course it's good advice, it comes from me." -- S. D. Gage
Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much.
I'm so happy, I could bounce off three walls and go into the corner pocket. -- Rando
"I never forget a face, but I'll make an exception in your case." -- Groucho Marx
Your fortune stateth: You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
Fresco's Discovery: If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
Pascal Users: To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
Haste makes waste. -- John Heywood
"What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, which is the exact opposite." -- Bertrand Russell
ONCE, adv. Enough. -- Ambrose Bierce
God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying other things. -- Pablo Picasso
"There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written, or badly written, that is all." -- Oscar Wilde
Maybe you can keep me from ever being happy, but you're not gonna stop me from having fun -- Ani Difranco
"I swear, if you existed I'd divorce you." -- Edward Albee
"I've reverted to the 'Mother Grammar'." -- Julie, after spouting words in random order.
"He looked way too Itallian for his own good. I would look at him and think, 'Hello, my name is Mario, I could eat you.'" -- Megan
"As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality." -- Albert Einstein
I wish I had a schilling for every senseless killing - I'd buy a government. -- NOFX , "The Decline"
I want pizza. It's so normal for kids our age to have pizza. -- Jenny
"Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart."  "Oh, yeah? What's he look like?"  "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and paper boots."  "What's he wanted for?"  "Rustling."
"There is no place for a buffalo in the Hall of Science, as far as I'm concerned." -- Jess, concerning placement of large ungulates.
"Now we're livin' fat. Fat City." -- Brian's dad, in response to having diced spam in his scrambled eggs.
"I smell good today and my hair is not very loud." -- Jen
I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
What good fortune for those in power that people do not think. -- Adolf Hitler
"When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the plane will fly." -- Donald Douglas
"From fanaticism to barbarism is only one step." -- Denis Diderot
I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again _REAL soon ...
No guts, no glory.
Connie: "Did you hear a dog barking?" Mark: "Hmm? Oh, I thought it was a turkey."
"Nothing is too high for the daring of mortals: we storm heaven itself in our folly." -- Horace
Brook's Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food, right?" -- MacNelley, "Shoe"
The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it.
"I'm stuck.... Reagan help me! I'm locked in!!!" -- my coach after realizing she had locked herself into the stall in a restuarant
To be able to say how much love, is love but little. -- Petrarch
Briana: "We're the creme de la bottom." John: "We've risen to the top of the bottom." -- My co-workers, lamenting our position within the company
"It's like candy!" -- Julie, referring to toasted bread with garlic and ricotta cheese on it.
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. -- Oscar Wilde
"The Republicans have a new healthcare proposal: Just say NO to illness!" -- Mark Russell
"I hate anything satanic" -- Sarah
"Logic merely enables one to be wrong with authority." -- Doctor Who
"Children are like TV sets. When they start acting weird, whack them across the eyes with a big rubber basketball shoe." -- Hunter S. Thompson
Style is not a four letter word, yet it does imply superficiality, conformity, and fashion. -- Steven Heller
War is the continuation of politics by other means -- Karl Von Clausewitz
"The Jews and Arabs should sit down and settle their differences like good Christians." -- Warren Austin - US Politician and diplomat
Virtue is its own punishment.
"How do you light a candle stuck in an anal crevice?" "I don't WANT a candle there!" -- some conversation Ellie found on IRC
Set a thief to catch a thief. -- Anonymous
"So, Delaware's in Maryland, right?" -- Bonnie, map in hand, trying to find the University of Delaware.
Fine art and pizza delivery: what we do falls neatly in between. -- David Letterman
Your fortune stateth: Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.
A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains.
Leave no stone unturned. -- Euripides
"My hair hurts." -- Jen
The future lies ahead.
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. -- Charlie Brown, character in "Peanuts" comic strip, created by Charles Schultz
"This is *not* a football game, Netcom!" -- The Opry House
Oh, sorry, Mrs. S. I was just calling to listen to your answering machine. -- Myself, after my friend Laura S. told me that their answering machine message was really cute and didn't think anyone was home.
Anyone who cannot understand how a useful religion can be based on lies will not understand this book either. -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"
To err is human, to forgive unusual.
Josh (confused): Are you on drugs or something? Allyson (laughing hysterically for no apparent reason): Nope! Don't need 'em!
"Ya don't get nowhere smoking the pipe" -- John Barrett MacArthur, a.k.a JB Mack
"Sure, there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too." -- Richard M. Nixon
Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." -- Hunter S. Thompson
"Go ahead, scratch her butt. She loves having her butt scratched." -- Mel Spohn
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating. -- Oscar Wilde
"The fickleness of the women whom I love is only equalled by the infernal constancy of the women who love me." -- George Bernard Shaw
Amanda: You can sue anyone for anything. Sarah: Oh Good! So I could, for example, sue you because I didn't like your sweater?" Amanda: You don't like my sweater?
"If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be called research, would it?" -- Albert Einstein
"Step up and get played, buddy!" -- Colin D., after someone gave a dumb answer in physics class.
"As blushing will sometimes make a whore pass for a virtuous woman, so modesty may make a fool seem a man of sense." -- Jonathan Swift
LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that.
Your fortune stateth: Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
One mustn't let technique be the consciously important thing. It should be at the service of expressing the form. -- Henry Moore
Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind. -- Rudyard Kipling
"A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the damned things is ample." -- Rebecca West
My heart has joined the Thousand, for my friend stopped running today. -- Richard Adams, Watership Down
Jerry, I'm getting ignorant, just like you. -- Christian
It is better to be looked over than overlooked. -- Mae West
Your fortune stateth: You will gain money by a fattening action.
Peace is the deliberate adjustment of my life to the will of God. -- Anonymous
"Most of us, when all is said and done, like what we like and make up reasons for it afterwards." -- Soren F. Petersen
To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish. -- Benjamin Franklin
"An unimaginable evil is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is merely good manners."
Tell them, dear, that if eyes were made for seeing, Then beauty is its own excuse for being. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "The Rhodora"
I'm looking California, but feeling Minnesota -- Soundgarden
Alcohol may be man's worst enemy. but the bible says love your enemy -- On The Wall At The Local Pub
Chapter VIII: Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension, Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again.
It is the final proof of God's omnipotence that he need not exist in order to save us. -- Peter De Vries
"Death, Destruction, and Carnage" ... later that month ... "Death, Destruction, and ... oh forget it." -- Daniel "Fluffy"
"Our doubts are traitors, And make us lose the good we oft might win By fearing to attempt." -- Shakespear
The remarkable thing about television is that it permits several million people to laugh at the same joke and still feel lonely. -- T.S. Eliot
"Are you happy or are you married?" -- the first thing my friend Rob asked when met after 5 years.
Your fortune stateth: You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business. -- Tom Robbins
If I had my life to live over... I'd dare to make more mistakes next time. -- Nadine Stair
"Many a young lady does not realize just how strong her love for a young man is until he fails to pass the approval test with her parents."
Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts!
Nature is not only all that is visible to the eye -- it also includes the inner pictures of the soul. -- Edvard Munch
The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by people who want some. -- Dwight MacDonald
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. -- Wernher von Braun
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin. -- John Von Neuman
Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
LAWFUL, adj. Compatible with the will of a judge having jurisdiction. -- Ambrose Bierce
Your fortune stateth: You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
Jill: I dated a seventeen-year-old once. Deborah: I'm seventeen. Jill: Oh my God, I dated Deborah!
Never let your sense of morals keep you from doing what is right. -- Isaac Asimov
A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents. -- H. L. Mencken
"Fast, fat computers breed slow, lazy programmers." -- Robert Hummel
Ewwww, why do they do that? Will they look at the underwear? -- Emily, when told that the airline officials check your suitcase if you tell them you have a bomb
I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson
"Oh, pooterdoodle!" -- an old lady overheard at a payphone in the mall.
Where you came from never exsisted, where you are going never will, and where you are now doesn't matter, unless you can get away from it. -- A. Jorgensen
Crime, like disease, is not interesting; it is something to be done away with by general consent, and that is all about it. -- Anonymous
Your fortune stateth: Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. -- Mark Twain
Many live in the ivory tower called reality; they never venture on the open sea of thought. -- Francois Gautier
Time goes, you say? Ah no! Time stays, *we* go. -- Austin Dobson
"It's like my life was getting good... I was driving toward the right exit but I got into an accident while changing lanes." -- JL Farley
Who chants a doleful hymn to his own death? -- Shakespeare
I have made an important discovery... that alcohol, taken in sufficient quantities, produces all the effects of intoxication. -- Oscar Wilde
You're never too old to become younger. -- Mae West
Economics, n.: Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. Galbraith ... -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
Love, I find, is like singing. Everybody can do enough to satisfy themselves, though it may not impress the neighbors as being very much. -- Zora Neale Hurston
Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
Painting or poetry is made as one makes love - a total embrace, prudence thrown to the winds, nothing held back. -- Joan Miro
"Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -- how passionately I hate them!" -- attributed to Albert Einstein
Your fortune stateth: A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.
"Help me, I'm too handsome!" -- Jonas, on the attention he gets from Japanese girls
To do a dull thing with style is preferable to doing a dangerous thing without it! -- Charles Bukowski
"The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused." -- Shirley Maclaine
Julie: "Wasn't the trail wider before?" Jen: "I seem to remember the trail being taller." -- commenting on the overgrown Little Si trail.
"im dying and it's pissing me off" -- The Evening Star
Kin, n.: An affliction of the blood
"You can best serve civilization by being against what usually passes for it." -- Wendell Berry
Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family does too. -- Anonymous
In the rich man's house there is nowhere to spit but in his face -- Diogenes
"Hey baby, wanna wrestle?" -- Preston's pick-up line.
GIVE UP!!!!
Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven. -- Mark Twain
It is best to love wisely, no doubt; but to love foolishly is better than not to be able to love at all. -- William Makepeace Thackeray
"Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we"." -- Mark Twain
Don: What is this place? It looks like a dentist's office. Kristin: I don't know about you, but I'm not going to any dentist with a drive-thru.
Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to a new town.
The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision. -- Lynn Lavner
"Your hair looks good.... From the back." -- Melena
"... it is important to realize that any lock can be picked with a big enough hammer." -- Sun System & Network Admin manual
"This paperback is very interesting, but I find it will never replace a hardcover book- it makes a very poor doorstop." -- Alfred Hitchcock
"Whenever you eliminate the inedible, whatever remains, however unpalatable, must be food." -- Anonymous
"Civilization is the distance man has placed between himself and his excreta." -- Brian Aldiss
Alice: Who would win in a fight, Yoda or the Emperor? Mike: Easy. Yoda, because he's gay.
"It has been said that a bride's attitude towards her betrothed can be summed up in three words: Aisle. Alter. Hymn." -- Frank Muir
"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..."
When you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's research. -- Wilson Mizner
Jim Brown: "I'll have a hamburger." Waitress: "I'm sorry, we ran out of hamburger." Jim: "Ok, then I want a cheeseburger."
Wasting time is an important part of living.
If 'Fe' is iron on the periodic table, does that make females iron males? -- someone
"I don't feel drunk. I mean, you're holding me up and everything, but I can still talk clearly, I just can't walk. Am I talking? I don't think I'm drunk." -- mumbled by Dan, when he was indeed drunk.
"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do." -- Olin Miller
Lost time is never found again. -- Benjamin Franklin
Happiness is the overcoming of not unknown obstacles toward a known goal. -- Anonymous
Genius is nothing but a great aptitude for patience. -- George-Louis De Buffon
A good scapegoat is hard to find.
Dr. Livingston? Dr. Livingston I. Presume?
The only thing that could stop a massive orgy is daylight or a bigger orgy down the street! -- Upright Citizen'S Brigade
"I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words."
"I think trash is the most important manifestation of culture we have in my lifetime." -- Johnny Legend
Friend: "Do you play tennis on vacation?" Me: "No." Friend: "That's kinda weird, because most people go on vacation only to play tennis."
Love is the state in which man sees things Most widely different from what they are. -- Nietzsche
Wild boars couldn't drag WHAT out of my anus?!?! -- Ian M. Borton, Esq.
Thought is the labour of the intellect, reverie is its pleasure. -- Victor Hugo
Ambition is like a venus fly trap. If a frog were to sit on it, the fly trap could bite and bite but it wouldn't hurt the frog because it only has tiny little plant teeth. Then some other stuff could happen and that would be like ambition. -- Jack Handey
Oliver's Law: Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
What is the sound of Perl? Is it not the sound of a wall that people have stopped banging their heads against? -- Larry Wall
The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from one graveyard to another. -- Frank J. Dobie, A Texan in England, 1945
I may not agree with what you say, but to your death I will defend your right to say it -- Voltaire
Magnocartic, adj.: Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts. -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall &amp; Friends"
If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. -- Benjamin Disraeli
Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
"Nothing is more destructive of respect for the government and the law of the land than passing laws which cannot be enforced." -- Albert Einstein
Beneath the rule of men entirely great, / The pen is mightier than the sword. -- Edward Robert Bulwer-Lytton, Richelieu, II. ii
The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 showed that all had these things in common: 1. They all had moderate appetites. 2. They all came from middle class homes 3. All but two of them were dead.
"I couldn't make a correct decision if it were written out for me." -- Christopher Moores
"Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?" -- Clarence Darrow
The tragedy of life is not that man loses, but that he almost wins. -- Heywood Brown
"It is well to remember that the entire population of the universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others." -- John Andrew Holmes
"The best thing I ever did was nothing." -- Gabe Fulks
The whole point of getting things done is knowing what to leave undone. -- Lady Stella Reading
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
Whoever is not a misanthrope at forty can never have loved mankind. -- Sebastian Roch Nicolas Chamfort
"Doctor, we did good, didn't we?" "Perhaps. Time will tell. Always does." -- Ace and The Doctor
I'd rather have a Bottle in Front of me (Than a Frontal Lobotomy). -- Dr. Randy Hanzlick
I may be compelled to face danger, but never fear it, and while our soldiers can stand and fight, I can stand and feed and nurse them. -- Clara Barton
It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either. -- Mark Twain
Marla: "Did he talk to you about it?" Ellie: "Who, the Wizard of Oz? He doesn't talk to me; someone else takes care of that." -- conversation on IRC; Ellie had just played a sound from the Wizard of Oz.
Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn't the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit... unnatural? -- Bill Hicks
Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. -- Mark Twain
"If that boy had a brain, he'd take it out and play with it like it was a toy!" -- Grandma Lee, about her son.
The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. -- Calvin, To Hobbes
When I can no longer bear to think of the victims of broken homes, I begin to think of the victims of intact ones. -- Peter DeVries
"A housecat giving birth to a lion? That's gonna be one pissed off housecat." -- Adam, trying to explain why different species can't interbreed.
Life is a succession of lessons enforced by immediate reward, or, oftener, by immediate chastisement. -- Ernest Dimnet
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call up the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby." -- Jack Handey
If a 2x4 falls on the gym floor and makes a sound, but the pricipal didn't hear it, did it happen?" -- Overheard while building the set for the school play.
Your fortune stateth: You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
"I'm gonna kill you so hard!" -- A failed attempt to sound tough
"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start with a large fortune."
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
"I'll kill a communist for fun, but for a green card..I'm gonna carve him up real nice.." -- Tony Montana...Al Pacino
I don't care if they eat me alive, I've got better things to do then survive -- Ani Difranco
Some people wear their heart up on their sleeve, i wear mine underneath my right pant leg, strapped to my boot. -- Ani Difranco
The pictures I contemplate painting would constitute a halfway state and an attempt to point out the direction of the future - without arriving there completely. -- Jackson Pollock
"For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with computers altogether?" -- Jehan Shuman
How to please a woman? Love her, die for her, take her to dinner, miss the superbowl for her, buy her jewelery, pretend you're interested in what she has to say...How to please a Man? Show up naked, bring beer. -- Unknown
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said, "I don't know." -- Mark Twain
Suffering is justified as soon as it becomes the raw material of beauty. -- Jean-Paul Sartre
"I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
A witty saying proves nothing. -- Voltaire
If you believe you're a poet, then you're saved -- Gregory Corso
"Small script scripping goopie doop." -- Robin's late night attempt at the word "shorthand"
"Let us treat men and women well; treat them as if they were real; perhaps they are." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Maybe if you studied, your commentaries might make some sense. -- Actual comment from the prof on my friend's Art History exam
"I think I could stand to be a back-up singer for Elvis, if I could sing, and if Elvis was still alive." -- Karen, my mom, during a viewing of Elvis' "Aloha from Hawaii".
"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us." -- Bill Watterson, in his comic strip Calvin and Hobbes
Your fortune stateth: You look tired.
You can't trample infidels when you're a tortoise. I mean, all you could do is give them a meaningful look. -- Terry Pratchett
McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.
...Copernicus' aesthetic objections to [equants] provided one essential motive for his rejection of the Ptolemaic system.... -- Thomas Kuhn, "The Copernican Revolution"
"An unimaginable toy is useful for breaking other toys. And your little dog, too!"
"I WANT IHOP NOW! Do they deliver?" -- Lauryn
"Hello, Corn Dog!" -- a crazy old bum
I would rather live and love where death is king than have eternal life where love is not. -- Robert G. Ingersoll
It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose.
First we sow the seed, nature grows the seed and then we eat the seed. -- Neil
Did it ever occur to you that fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? Or that we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
"There always may be room for Jello, but it's not much fun to be standing on it." -- Russ A.
Time has convinced me of one thing: Television is for appearing on--not for looking at. -- Noel Coward
Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird.
"Are you 21?" -- Lee M., to a substitute teacher in Government class.
Yeah, fuck me! I wish you all could fuck me! -- Billie Joe Armstrong
"Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life." -- Eric Hoffer
Cave Guide: And this mound of bat guano is over 200 years old! My Wife: Where does bat guano come from?
I don't suffer from insanity but enjoy every minute of it -- Edgar Allan Poe
"A debugged program is one for which you have not yet found the conditions that make it fail." -- Jerry Ogdin
We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always respect their good judgement.
Your fortune stateth: You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
See Jane. See Jane box. Jane is mad at her gardener, Bill. Bill said he would water her cactus but he forgot. Bad, Bill, bad! See the cactus die. Jane is sad. Bill is dead. -- Jon
Your fortune stateth: You will inherit millions of dollars.
Hanson's Treatment of Time: There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.
If you don't think drugs have done good things for us then take all of your records,tapes and CD's and burn them. -- Bill Hicks
A man said to the universe: "Sir I exist!" "However," replied the universe, "The fact has not created in me a sense of obligation." -- Stephen Crane
"The passions often engender their contraries." -- Francois La Rochefoucauld
To reach a great height a person needs to have great depth. -- Anonymous
I wanted to stay I wanted to play, I wanted to love you. -- Dave Matthews
"Hoover, if elected, will do one thing that is almost incomprehensible to the human mind: he will make a great man out of Coolidge." -- Clarence Darrow - remarking during the 1932 presidential campaign.
"I ran through the streets because I thought I was being chased by a 200 foot tall Indian." -- Tim, describing the effects of "magic mushrooms"
"Why Monty you dance like the devil" "WHO TOLD YOU THAT!" -- Mr Burns
The grand aim of all science is to cover the greatest number of empirical facts by logical deduction from the smallest number of hypotheses or axioms. -- Albert Einstein
Children are the only form of immortality that we can be sure of. -- Peter Ustinov
Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you will pay only the station-to-station rate. -- Howard Kandel
"Hi, I'm Matt and I'll be your dork this evening." -- Krista S.
Your fortune stateth: Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
If a politician found he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner. -- H. L. Mencken
REFORM, v. A thing that mostly satisfies reformers opposed to reformation. -- Ambrose Bierce
"What's he saying? Chicken Cherry Cola? What the f*** kinda sense does that make?!?" -- Jason Holliman, on the first hearing of Savage Garden's song "I Want You" (and I REALLY hate that song).
Start slow and taper off. -- Walt Stack
"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time." -- Steven Wright
Do you hate being a girl? What's it like? Is it like being a bug? I imagine bugs and girls have a dim perception that nature played a cruel trick on them, but they lack the intelligence to comprehend the magnitude of it. -- Calvin
"Wouldn't it be great if life was in 3-D?" -- Chris in 9th grade
"We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?" -- Jean Cocteau
The aim of the college, for the individual student, is to eliminate the need in his life for the college; the task is to help him become a self-educating man. -- George Horace Lorimer
"The essence of intelligence is skill in extracting meaning from everyday experience." -- unknown
Never assume, for it makes an ASS out of U and ME. -- Anonymous
"Everyone strives to be Hootie, thought most are destined to be mere Blowfish." -- Brian L. Garrett, 1996
"A successful tool is one that was used to do something undreamed of by its author." -- S. C. Johnson
"When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself." -- Peter O'Toole
While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their correctness never does.
Any fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius--and a lot of courage--to move in the opposite direction. -- Albert Einstein
Nothing lasts forever. Where do I find nothing?
Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am.
"Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt." -- Herbert Hoover
"She said that if she smelled peanut butter, she'd die." -- Carrie
"I understand your question and the answer is 'You're thinking too hard.'" -- Jose Garcia
"He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news." -- Bertolt Brecht
"If you're camping in the woods and you see something red with three leaves, don't wipe your butt with it cause it's poison ivy." -- Michele Kuchinski
Is it better for a woman to marry a man who loves her than a man she loves. -- Anonymous
Learn to laugh at your troubles and you'll never run out of things to laugh at. -- Lyn Karol
These old 486 boards are without shells. It's like they're snails that've been forced to leave their shells and are lying naked in the riverbed. -- Paul
The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well. -- Capt. Squid
(Jeff F., Joe F., and Andy Z. are listening to Jesus Christ Superstar while parked in a field, after being awake for about 24 hours.) Mrs. B.: Jeff, you'll have to move your car Joe F. (looks straight at her and sings.): Ba da, ba da, ba da, ba da BA!
The Preacher, the Politicain, the Teacher, Were each of them once a kiddie. A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. Do I want one? God Forbiddie! -- Ogden Nash
"The greater the ignorance the greater the dogmatism." -- William Osler
"Some would sooner die than think. In fact, they often do." -- Bertrand Russell
Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different.
8-year-old Molly: Mommie I have a headache. Mommie: Oh, I'm sorry. Why do you have a headache? 8-year-old Molly: I don't know. It's winter. Maybe I am allergic to falling down in the snow.
Lost & Found. Lost wife and dog. -- Screach
"Dull - 8. To make dictionaries is dull work." -- Samuel Johnson - British Lexicographer - Dictionary of the English Language
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." -- Calvin Trillin
Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover.
Create the kind of climate in your organization where personal growth is expected, recognized and rewarded. -- Anonymous
The older one grows, the more one likes indecency. -- Virginia Woolf
Critic, n.: A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury." -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
"The tops of the bottoms of my feet are numb." -- James, after a few too many "beverages"
A diplomat is a man who remembers a lady's birthday but forgets her age. -- Anonymous
Oh my gosh, I get it! -- Amber, a blonde, two days after hearing this joke: "How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday? Tell her a joke on Friday."
Mark: Hey, did you see Carl wearing Claire's sweatshirt the other day? Julie: They're going out; they can do that. Me: Still, I guess it's a good thing Claire doesn't wear skirts that often...
"This is gross. They should really clean this." -- A tourist at the Oregon Caves, unhappy with the amount of dirt and mud found within the caverns.
No human investigation can be called true science without passing through mathematical tests. -- Leonardo da Vinci, "Treatise on Painting"
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist.
I'll just wrap my towel... I'll just wrap my head in a towel. -- Jen, when she couldn't find a rubber-band for her hair while getting ready for work.
I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. -- Gilda Radner
A song in time is worth a dime.
A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. -- Friedrich Nietzsche
Your fortune stateth: You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been. -- Alan Ashley-Pitt
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. -- Alex Levine
Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden where the flowers are dead. -- Oscar Wilde
Hey! Everybody! Look over here! Look at me! I'm normal now! Aren't all of you proud of me?! Watch me be normal! Normal normal normal!!!! -- Jaymie G.
Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good. I know better. The things I worry about don't happen. -- Anonymous
She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring -- they applaud.
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax." -- Albert Einstein
Your fortune stateth: You should go home.
I gotta piece of your meat! -- Kerry, after biting Ron's hand through his shirt.
"In the Beginning there was nothing, which exploded." -- Terry Pratchett, _Lords and Ladies_
To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy. -- MIT Assasination Club
Sometimes I think I'm really a guy. Then I realize I'm not. -- Deborah
There are many things worth living for, there are a few things worth dying for, but there is nothing worth killing for. -- Tom Robbins
I don't want no Spaghettios! -- The Ramones
"Oh, I wish we had school right now 'cause then we wouldn't have to go!" -- Lann during Christmas holidays after a big snowfall.
The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively. -- Peter Beard
When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money. -- Kim Hubbard
Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it. -- Rex Reed
You're getting verrry sleepy...You're a chicken! -- Jon
But, like, if we had a death penalty, then that guy walking down the street with a gun would think, "Hey, maybe I shouldn't kill him after all, because then I'll get in trouble!" -- Katie's debate project on the death penalty.
You didn't say it the way I think I should have heard it. -- SG, during a lover's argument
Do, or do not; there is no try.
Two heads are more numerous than one.
Your fortune stateth: You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best. -- Anonymous
Your fortune stateth: Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have. -- Anonymous
"They think they can make fuel from horse manure.... Now, I don't know if your car will be able to get 30 miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning." -- Billie Holliday
"I said I _liked_ being half-educated; you were so much more _surprised_ at everything when you were ignorant." -- Gerald Durrell
"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other." -- Eric Hoffer
If trees could scream do you think we would be so cavalier as to cutting them down? Maybe if they screamed all the time for no good reason." -- Jack Handey
Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge. -- Paul Gauguin
Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job is to enforce the law and fight crime. -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint. -- Jack Handey
The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper. -- Smith & Jones
Lisa, in the house we obey the laws of thermodynamics! -- Homer Simpson, In The Simpsons
There are no differences, but differences of degree,between degrees of difference and no difference. -- William Henry James
Man will often act and live as though he were apart from his body, as if improving it from the outside. -- Karl Marx
"In order to form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep one must, above all, be a sheep." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
Fashions are ephemeral, but fashion is enduring -- Cecil Beaton
"Logic is like the sword: those who appeal to it shall perish by it." -- Samuel Butler
Only when he no longer knows what he is doing does the painter do good things. -- Edgar Degas
God is real, unless declared integer.
"Some things I don't want to be reminded of: one, I can't get a date, two, I have a 286 at home, and three, I have to go in to work at 5 AM." -- Jason Holliman
If God did not exist, it would be necessary for man to invent him. -- Voltair
Who needs love when you've got a gun? -- Black Flag
Your fortune stateth: Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees.
Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such. -- Henry Miller
"I have learned to use the word 'impossible' with the greatest caution." -- Wernher von Braun
"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important." -- Bertrand Russell
Look before you leap. -- Samuel Butler
"Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing." -- Dick Brandon
"Don't go in there, Binky! You'll explode!" -- Chris Cotton
"It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him." -- J. R. R. Tolkien
"The thing is, you could shoot 15 people a day and never keep up with the demand." -- Jim, watching the local news.
Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no government at all.
A successful tool is one that was used to do something undreamed of by its author. -- S. C. Johnson
The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes. -- Winston Churchill
...when we fight cold wind blows our way, but we can learn how to bend, how to sway and say I, I think I understand what all this fighting is for.. -- Ani Difranco
Hail to the sun god He sure is a fun god Ra! Ra! Ra!
He must have smiled at me, though I don't really know, but I don't like to think that I would love someone who hadn't first smiled at me. -- Jamacia Kincaid, "The Autobiography of My Mother"
FLESH, n. The Second Person of the secular Trinity. -- Ambrose Bierce
Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
"I think there's an old Chinese Proverb which says, 'If you can't marry for love, do it for the best Chicken Gumbo this side of the Mississippi."' -- Eric Robinson, a dear friend of mine.
Music is your own experience, your own thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn. They teach you there's a boundary line to music. But, man, there's no boundary line to art. -- Charlie Parker
"We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife." -- Groucho Marx
"It's raining Mensch... (snortle)...nevermind." -- Jess R.
Don't get mad, get even. -- Joseph P. Kennedy
Your fortune stateth: You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own.
Your ignorance cramps my conversation. -- Anonymous
Whatever tears at us whatever holds us down and if nothing can be done we'll make the best of what's around.. -- Dmb
Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it. -- Anonymous
"The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is... Four day work week, Two ply toilet paper!" -- Anonymous
I want to be THE college student. -- Deborah
"That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers." -- Charles Chincholles
Your fortune stateth: Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your life in such a mess.
Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
You know how it is when you lean back too far in your chair and almost fall backwards, but save yourself at the last second? I feel like that all day -- Steven Wright
Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
"That's exactly what it's like ... just not so much." -- Pat H.
To transform the emptiness of loneliness, to the fullness of aloneness. Ah, that is the secret of life. -- Sunita Khosla
People ask me what I do in the winter when there's no baseball. I'll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring. -- Rogers Hornsby
Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth. -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air"
"Daniel's your boyfriend!" "Well he's your best friend!" -- argument between me and my friend Lissa over who had to go find Daniel after discovering his clothes on my dinner table.
That's odd. That's very odd. Wouldn't you say that's very odd?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? -- Art Hoppe
We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh. -- Agnes Repplier
"Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them." -- Ogden Nash
"I'm here, I'm hot, but I've got other people to talk to besides you." -- Michelle Zalas, rejecting a possible boyfriend
Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill gives us modern art. -- Tom Stoppard
It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure. -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
"When you look behind you, you can't see what's in front of you." -- Jason
"A jest often decides matters of importance more effectively and happily than seriousness." -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus
It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed. -- Kim Hubbard
Happiness is often the result of being too busy to be miserable. -- Anonymous
"To be pleased with one's limits is a wretched state." -- Goethe
"There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope." -- Oscar Wilde
Actor: So what do you do for a living? Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants. -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children -- Classified Ad
The sun was shining on the sea, Shining with all his might: He did his very best to make The billows smooth and bright -- And this was very odd, because it was The middle of the night. -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
"How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?" -- Charles de Gaulle
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers.
DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE!
"I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people." -- Ed Bluestone
Without fools there would be no wisdom.
We have children because we want immortality and this is the most reliable way of getting it. -- Woodrow Wyatt
"It is dangerous to be right in matters on which the established authorities are wrong." -- Voltaire
Even imperfection itself may have its ideal or perfect state. -- Thomas de Quincey
I may be stepping out on a limb here, but I'm already on the edge. And that's where it happens. -- Pi
A Law of Computer Programming: Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you will find the programmers cannot write in English.
"Everyone complains of his memory, but no one complains of his judgement." -- Duc De La Rochefoucauld
"Mathematics, rightly viewed, posses not only truth, but supreme beauty -- a beauty cold and austere, like that of sculpture." -- Bertrand Russell
When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure?
A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. -- Anonymous
"The mind unlearns with difficulty what it has long learned." -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
"That's the nature of research-you don't know what in hell you're doing." -- 'Doc' Edgerton
"See? Physics works!" -- Fr. McLernan, after demonstrating how to predict the period of a pendulum.
"Guilt was the grease in which the wheels of the authority turned." -- Terry Pratchett, _Small Gods_
"Eat the waffle, you stupid, wasteful, bourgeois capitalist!" -- Lars Couture, to Dustin Mitchell
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any use to oneself. -- Oscar Wilde
Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses -- Lord Dewar
Wiker's Law: Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
Is this Mitch or Jesus? -- Melissa, trying to sort through a stack of drawings.
"Not to engage in this pursuit of ideas is to live like ants instead of like men." -- Mortimer J. Adler
"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away." -- Philip K. Dick
Happiness is just an illusion caused by the temporary absence of reality. -- Anonymous
Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native word "lies". -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck"
Your fortune stateth: Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
Karen: "Okay! Now I'm awake and ready to do something!" Cheri: "Okay, what?" Karen: "Sleep!"
You don't drown by falling in the water; you drown by staying there. -- Edwin Louis Cole
-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
Style is the feather that helps the arrow fly, not the one you put in your hat. -- Stephen Bayley
Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.
"i'll lean on you you leane on me, and we'll be ok" -- The Dave Mathews Band
I shall tell you a great secret my friend. Do not wait for the last judgement, it takes place every day. -- Albert Camus
"My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
"Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl." -- Mike Adams
"If you wind up with a boring, miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest, or some guy on TV telling you how to do your shit, then YOU DESERVE IT." -- Frank Zappa
What one fool can do, another can. -- Ancient Simian Proverb
Genius, the power which dazzles human eyes, is oft but perseverance in disguise. -- H.W. Austin
"I've only got one freaking heart!" -- Marlene
"Every time I hear that phone it's ringing!" -- Nathan
Watching the debate this afternoon it was apparent they loved term limits in the House -- as Brutus loved Caesar. -- Bill Moyers
Your fortune stateth: Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
It would be just like programmers to shorten 'the year 2000 problem' to 'Y2K'-- exactly the kind of thinking that created this situation in the first place. -- Steven C. Meyer
If you don't shut up, I'm going to light you on fire. -- Overheard at EDGEFEST
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. -- Samuel Goldwyn
The soul is healed by being with children. -- Fyodor Dostoyevski
You know, I think I could have the cure to AIDS or Cancer in my head, but that brain cell is filled instead with old dialogue from the Brady Bunch. -- Mary Newton
"Trust everybody, but cut the cards." -- Finley Peter Dunne
"...then laugh, leaning back in my arms, for life is not a paragraph, and death i think is no parenthesis" -- e.e. cummings
"Belief in God? An afterlife? I believe in rock: this apodictic rock beneath my feet." -- Edward Abbey
Sure I'm old, and I'm evil, and I'm ugly, and I'm tired. But that isn't it. I've been this way for ten years, and I'm all down the main line. -- Herbert Huncke
Eric (looking at report card): "How's this work? It says I have no tardies, but one of the comments is 'tardies have hurt student's work.'" J.D.: "You must have been pretty sneaky!!"
The filters are the best part of a cigarette. that's where they put the heroin! -- Denis Leary
He who takes his life for granted is a pencil without an eraser. -- C.S. Lewis
I once met an assassin who's nickname was fart. I ask him why he has this nickname and he tells me it's because he's silent but deadly. -- Jack Handey
In my end is my beginning. -- T.S. Eliot
"If you could go back in time you might see yourself getting ready to go back in time." -- Andy
"Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, and just before you realize what's wrong with it." -- Anonymous
"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" -- Francois Morency
I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces. -- Mark Twain
I will never lie to you.
"If there were a verb meaning 'to believe falsely,' it would not have any significant first person, present indicative." -- Ludwig Wittgenstein
Who, being loved, is poor? -- Oscar Wilde
"'If you put butter and salt on it, it tastes like salty butter.'" -- Terry Pratchett, concerning popcorn, _Moving Pictures_
"The house of Lords must be the only institution in the world which is kept efficient by the persistent absenteeism of most of its members." -- Herbert Samuel
WITTICISM, n. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted, and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a "joke." -- Ambrose Bierce
Do you seriously think that blood is the only thing in this world that is colored red? -- Genjo Sanzo, Gensomaden Saiyuki
Chicken Little was right.
"shut up slut chew on this mushroom" -- Eminem
"Tatoos on other people are cool, but I always thought it'd be a bad idea to let some guy draw a picture on me that'll probably never come off." -- Steve
"You gotta keep your fists to your private.... I mean, to yourself, Private." -- a completely butchered line in a play where the Officer is trying to tell the Private to keep out of fights.
"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet." -- Dave Barry
Sex is hardly ever just about sex. -- Shirley Maclaine
"Mr. Anglin, please report to the office... Mr. Anglin, please report to the office...." -- Mr. Gus Anglin, headmaster at J.D. O'Bryant High in Roxbury, MA, apparently paging himself.
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on. -- Robert Frost
"I think people snore because they don't have anything else to do while they're naked."
"He was an embittered atheist (the sort of atheist who does not so much disbelieve in God as personally dislike Him). -- George Orwell - British novelist - "Down and out of Paris and London" Ch. 30
Sodd's Second Law: Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur.
"The world is a very strange place, and the dice are always rolling." -- Tom Robbins, _Skinny Legs and All_
Your fortune stateth: After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
"Bummer. I mean, I would have joined you in your self-destructive madness." -- Donovan Cantu
Patience is the best remedy for every trouble. -- Titus Maccius Plautus
"What is truth? Truth is something so noble that if God could turn aside from it, I would keep to the truth and let God go." -- Johannes Eckhard
"I like food." -- Annie at the mall food court
Walking on water wasn't built in a day. -- Jack Kerouac
"We do that soul thing, baby" -- Roya to Kate
It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone. -- Unknown
Fourth Law of Revision: It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you.
Dan: "Ya know when cats are fat they're bigger than the ones who aren't fat, did ya know that?" James: "No Dan I didn't. Please do expand" Dan: "Huh?"
I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards. When I got a full house, 4 people died. -- Steven Wright
"There is no abstract art. You must always start with something. Afterward you can remove all traces of reality." -- Pablo Picasso
"Withdrawing in disgust is not the same as apathy." -- Richard Linklater
He who Laughs, Lasts.
"Politics is the entertainment branch of industry." -- Frank Zappa
"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' " -- Charles Schultz - Charlie Brown
"Put your talent into your work, but your genius into your life." -- Oscar Wilde
Moderation in all things. -- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence]
Style is the thought itself. -- Joseph Joubert
"I call that a scumhead." -- James Joyce
"I'm making a diary!" -- Paul M., while wrapping tape around his Government book and putting staples into it.
Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you -- Maori Proverb
"I should like to be a horse." -- Queen Elizabeth II - when asked about her ambitions as a child.
Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. -- Don Vonada
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
ILLUSTRIOUS, adj. Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy and detraction. -- Ambrose Bierce
IMBECILITY, n. A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affecting censorious critics of this dictionary. -- Ambrose Bierce
"Surely where there's smoke there's fire? No, where there's so much smoke there's smoke." -- John A. Wheeler
BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!!
Your fortune stateth: You will be successful in love.
"Once a new technology rolls over you, if you're not part of the steamroller, you're part of the road." -- Stewart Brand
Your fortune stateth: You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
Weinberg's First Law: Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
Life would be tolerable but for its amusements. -- G.B. Shaw
"Qvid me anxivs svm?"
"First things first, but not necessarily in that order." -- The Doctor
"Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers." -- Anonymous
Physics is a form of insight and as such it's a form of art. -- David Bohm
"All great truths begin as blasphemies." -- George Bernard Shaw
To the world you are just one persone, but to one person you could mean the world. -- Anonymous
"So, when I look at you, I wanna say... 'I'd rather be eating gravel'?" -- Overheard in Dining Hall
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. -- Bucy's Law
"Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
We find delight in the beauty and happiness of children that makes the heart too big for the body. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Never let school interfere with your education. -- Mark Twain
"We have art in order not to die of the truth." -- Friedrich Nietzsche
"Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices." -- Laurence J. Peter
...dass in Wirklichkeit nichts Kunstlerischer ist als die Menschen zu lieben -- Vincent van Gogh, letter #538 from Arles to Theo
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca Recording Company, rejecting the Beatles, 1962
I'd wipe the machines off the face of the earth again, and end the industrial epoch absolutely, like a black mistake. -- D. H. Lawrence
"Cat food?!? I thought it was love, but I wouldn't want to keep on eating!"
"Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place." -- Johnny Carson
Hi, I'm the Pool Man. This is my sidekick Chlorine Boy. We are here to clean out the gene pool. -- Tyler
Self-respect can be a extension of your ego or a priceless virtue. -- Anonymous
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." -- Douglas Adams
"I have found some of the best reasons I ever had for remaining at the bottom simply by looking at the men at the top." -- Frank Moore Colby
I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each others dreams, we can play together all night! -- Hobbes, To Calvin
Our language has widely sensed the two sides of being alone. It has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone. -- Paul Tillich
"Virtual Luv": attraction to someone you've only met over the internet. -- Julie J.
I wanted to see exotic Vietnam, the jewel of Southeast Asia. I wanted to meet interesting and stimulating people of an ancient culture... and kill them. -- Full Metal Jacket
"What do you mean we don't communicate? Just yesterday I faxed you a reply to the recorded message you left on my answering machine." -- The Wall Street Journal
You think a things impossible, then the sun refused to shine." -- Dave Matthews
It has come to my attention that it is difficult to leave a desktop computer on an airport terminal bus without really trying. -- Greg
Your fortune stateth: Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
Your fortune stateth: Best of all is never to have been born.  Second best is to die soon.
"It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question." -- Eugene Ionesco
Immature love says: "I love you because I need you." Mature love says: "I need you because I love you." -- Erich Fromm
"Oh wow! I got SPAM!! Look! Come see my SPAM everyone!" -- My mom's reaction to her first-ever junk e-mail
He believes that marriage and a career don't mix. So after the wedding he plans to quit his job. -- Anonymous
The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing. -- Judge Harold T. Stone
I don't drink to get drunk, I just get really thirsty and someone gives me something for that. Then I usually get really confused -- Yo
Your fortune stateth: A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
"It tasted like death warmed over twice." -- Mrs.Heep, U.S. History Teacher % "It was colder than a bear's butt times three!" -- Mrs.Heep, U.S. History Teacher % "Some people just don't give a tinker's pahtooie." -- Mrs.Heep, U.S. History Teacher
Nature wants children to be children before men . . . Childhood has its own seeing, thinkin and feeling. -- Jean-Jacques Rousseau
A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive
Maybe i should put a bucket over my head and a marshmallow in each ear and stumble around for another dum-dum week for another hum-drum hit song to appear... -- Ani Difranco
"My work is done. Why wait?" -- George Eastman - US inventor and industrialist - Suicide note
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
"Bigmac's brother was reliably believed to be in the job of moving video recorders around in an informal way." -- Terry Pratchett
Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. Kirk: Then it's of external origin? Spock: Affirmative. Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President; hijacking an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector. -- Knight Ridder News Service dispatch
It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for being right.
"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with reality at any point." -- Friedrich Nietzsche
You come to nature with all her theories, and she knocks them all flat. -- ierre Auguste Renoir
"Few people can be happy unless they hate some other person, nation, or creed." -- Bertrand Russell
Your fortune stateth: Someone is speaking well of you. How unusual!
Shall a man go and hang himself because he belongs to the race of pygmies, and not be the biggest pygmie that he can? Let everyone mind his own business, and endeavor to be what he was made. -- Henry David Thoreau, "Walden"
"If someone would have told me the wall was there, I probably wouldn't have run into it. But then I wouldn't have run into the wall, and I wouldn't be saying this.... I'm going to shut up now." -- Inpheaux
To be interested in the changing seasons is a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with spring. -- George Santayana
"You don't want the patient to become vibrator dependent." -- Occupational therapy instructor
Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tip-top and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out. -- Jack Handey
When does later become never?
"Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking." -- Jerome Lettvin
"It is SO sporty! It looks just like a Miata!" -- my friend Stephanie, talking about her new Metro convertible.
"Ewwwww... red lint...." -- Jason Holliman
There once was a girl named Irene Who lived on distilled kerosene But she started absorbin' A new hydrocarbon And since then has never benzene.
Plain women know more about men than beautiful ones do. But beautiful women don't need to know about men. It's the men who have to know about beautiful women. -- Katharine Hepburn
Very few people are ambitious in the sense of having a specific image of what they want to achieve. Most people's sights are only toward the next run, the next increment of money. -- Judith M. Bardwick
Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. -- Anonymous
In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back. -- Charlie Brown, character in "Peanuts" comic strip, created by Charles Schultz
At Thanksgiving Dinner: Max (Grandpa): Get ready kiddies! We're taking shots at Christmas. Shari (Mom), as she stabs him with a fork: No way my 16 year old is drinking with you!
"A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students." -- John Ciardi
"Real education must ultimately be limited to men who insist on knowing. The rest is mere sheep-herding." -- Ezra Loomis Pound
Who made the world I cannot tell; 'Tis made, and here am I in hell. My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, I never soiled with such a deed. -- A. E. Housman
The early worm gets the late bird.
It's so auxillariting! -- Corey, Wake Forest University
"'You are all a lost generation,' Gertrude Stein said. We weren't lost. We knew where we were, all right, but we wouldn't go home." -- James Thurber
I don't need you to tell me how good my coffee is. I'm the one who buys it. When Bonnie goes out she buys shit. I buy the gourmet expensive stuff because when I drink it I want to taste it. -- Quintin Tarrentino, "Pulp Fiction"
The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
Designing pages in HTML is like having sex in a bathtub. If you don't know anything about sex, it won't do you any good to know a lot about bathtubs. -- vagabond@mcgurkus.circus.com
This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. But, it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning. -- Winston Churchill
Painting is a blind man's profession. He paints not what he sees, but what he feels, what he tells himself about what he has seen. -- Pablo Picasso
"Jeez, Sarah? You're NOT gonna die.... and if you do, there'll be more room in the car." -- Jennifer, upon getting terribly frustrated with her friend Sarah's melodramatic nature.
"The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth." -- Niels Bohr
"And on the left side of the aircraft, you will see Central Park." -- Mr. Fulwiler, Histroy Teacher, on a bus trip to NYC.
I really believe all the things I've said to you, it's just that none of them are true. -- Mr. Happy
SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
IMPUNITY, n. Wealth. -- Ambrose Bierce
Your fortune stateth: You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
"I'm offering you my body, and you're offering me semantics." -- Caitlin Bree
When you are not looking at it, this .sig is in Cymrec.
Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. -- Don Marquis
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
"I don't know which is more discouraging, literature or chickens." -- E. B. White
Only he is an artist who can make a riddle out of a solution. -- Karl Kraus
There is only one thing a philosopher can be relied upon to do, and that is to contradict other philosophers. -- William James
"Fire at the enemies on the screen, and keep firing even if you run out of ammo!" -- Michelle Zalas, explaining DOOM
Pizza is a lot like sex. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good. -- Anonymous
"Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way." -- Anonymous
"For the man who has everything... Penicillin." -- F. Borquin
Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.
"I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators." -- Steven Wright
There could ANYTHING up in that attic. Maybe I even have an evil twin up there. That explains why I'm an only child! -- Alana
LOQUACITY, n. A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb his tongue when you wish to talk. -- Ambrose Bierce
A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong!
"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition." -- Timothy Leary
Sleep, those little slices of death, how I loathe them. -- Edgar Allen Poe
I can't think of anything I've forgotten. -- Karen
A stitch in time saves nine.
Considering the flames and intolerance, shouldn't USENET be spelled ABUSENET? -- Michael Meissner
"Shut the door, Wales." -- George Bryan "Bean" Brumwell - Said to the Prince of Wales
"You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you." -- Eric Hoffer
We cannot seek or attain health, wealth, learning, justice or kindness in general. Action is always specific, concrete, individualized, unique. -- Benjamin Jowett
Oh, wow! Look at the moon!
My good intentions are completely lethal. -- Margaret Atwood
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. -- Shirley Temple Black
"You know, she speaks eighteen different languages. And she can't say "No" in any of them." -- Dorothy Parker - speaking of an acquaintance
"Fools admire, but men of sense approve." -- Alexander Pope
Whether you can hear it or not The Universe is laughing behind your back -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough." -- Mario Andretti
Imagination rules the world. -- Napoleon Bonaparte
"My neighbor wasn't home the night before last, and yet he still kept me awake because I was dreaming that he was making noise." -- Jen
Your fortune stateth: You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
"I am, so therefore you're not!" -- Eric Neil
The best computer is a man, and it's the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labor. -- Wernher Von Braun
If it's too loud, turn it down. -- Weezer
Peggy- "Tell me you love me, Al" Al-"I love football, I love beer, let's not cheapen the meaning of the word." -- Al Bundy
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
The reverse side also has a reverse side -- Japanese proverb
I am about to hatch more sea monkeys. -- Lisa
A society of sheep must in time beget a government of wolves. -- Bertrand de Jouvenel
"New York is the only city in the world where you can get deliberately run down on the sidewalk by a pedestrian." -- Russell Baker
You treat a lady like a dame, and a dame like a lady. -- Frank Sinatra
Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
Save energy: be apathetic.
"Damn... there is nothing that makes me feel more patriotic then pyrotechnics." -- Kate during a 4th of July fireworks display
Man, cheese on everything -- that's MY philosophy. -- Karen
Your fortune stateth: Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
"I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."" -- Rodney Dangerfield
It takes a lot of time to be a genius. You have to sit around so much doing nothing, really doing nothing. -- Gertrude Stein
Leadership is the ability to hide your panic from others. -- Anonymous
Never mistake legibility for communication -- David Carson
When Baby's cries grew hard to bear I popped him in the Frigidaire. I never would have done so if I'd known that he'd be frozen stiff. My wife said, "George, I'm so unhappy! Our darling's now completely frappe!" -- Graham
Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit! Just type in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law: Name #
"Yeah! I scored a pickle!!!" -- Julie J. when Jen let her have the pickle garnish.
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. - -- Douglas Adams, "Hitch Hikers Guide To The Galaxy"
A Californian coming upon a flock of sheep in the English countryside: Jenny: ooooooh... Sheep! Baaaaaaa!
"Everything should be made a simple as possible, but not simpler." -- Albert Einstein
"Very deep. You should send that into Reader's Digest, they've got a page for people like you." -- Douglas Adams
"Oooh, nice fake question! Now what's the real one?" -- Ellie, a commenting on some song.
Shaw's Principle: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
"We were talking about custard, not alcohol!"
Age does not make us childish, as some say; it finds us true children. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
"You can't burn me! I'm unique" -- Mr. Bradford, my school chemistry teacher.
"Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."
Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation works. An incorrect model can be a useful tool. -- Kelvin Throop III
While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
Character Density: the number of very weird people in the office.
Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
Literature is strewn with the wreckage of those who have minded beyond reason the opinion of others. -- Virginia Woolf
Your fortune stateth: Excellent day to have a rotten day.
"When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality." -- Al Capone
I have filled out the life narrative of the ox. -- Kris Cohen, recovering grad student.
Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage. Jenning's Corollary: The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
To make oneself an object, to make oneself passive, is a very different thing from being a passive object. -- Simone de Beauvoir, "The Second Sex", book 2, part 4, ch. 3 (1953)
Love is 2 minutes and 52 seconds of squelching noises -- Johnny Rotten
"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so." -- Douglas Adams
"My brand-new Scooby-doo boxer-shorts are more and more comfortable by the minute!" -- Curt the wonder Field Service Engineer.
"We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report." -- Louis Nel, Deputy Minister of Information, South Africa
"Bore: a man who is never unintentionally rude." -- Oscar Wilde
Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. -- F. M. Hubbard
When the cat is away the mouse will also. -- Al Curiale
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
Know her mind and you can have her body, know her heart and you have her soul. -- Anonymous
Anyone in a free society where the laws are unjust has an obligation to break the law. -- Henry David Thoreau
"By definition, a government has no conscience. Sometimes it has a policy, but nothing more." -- Albert Camus
Hey, you can't fight in here! This is the war room! -- Dr. Strangelove
Ryan: Hey Forrest, I'll pay you a buck if you go get me a bowl of ice cream. Forrest: I'll pay you a buck if you get it yourself. -- Ryan and Forrest demonstrating how television is more important than movement.
"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is." -- Francis Bacon
When i play a piano for the first time, it's kind of like you're two girls in the bath room for the first time showing each other your lipstick, "here's my color" and "here's my color". -- Tori
C'mon, Mama needs a new set of Yaffa blocks. -- Sharon Fleishman, upon hearing that I was buying a lottery ticket.
Beauty as we feel it is something indescribable; what it is or what it means can never be said. -- George Santayana
In a real dark night of the soul, it is always three o'clock in the morning, day after day. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald
"I believe that genius is an infinite capacity for taking life by the scruff of the neck." -- Christopher Quill
"Me? Smoke weed? Nah, ma, who the hell do ya think I am?" -- My friend, John Y., after we walked in his house stoned and mom asked if we had been smoking pot.
"Outside every fat man there is an even fatter man trying to close in." -- Kimpley Amis - British novelist
Let your friends be the friends of your deliberate choice. -- Anonymous
The story of a love is not important - what is important is that one is capable of love. It is perhaps the only glimpse we are permitted of eternity. -- Helen Hayes
May be we have to train the ethics. -- Jin Chul Kim
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. -- Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Can't forget the things you never said -- Tori
Many hands make light work. -- John Heywood
I didn't SAY it was a deep thought - I THOUGHT it! -- Lauren
"If I was a respect I wouldn't be so negatively!" -- 7 year old Tracey trying very hard to use big words.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it. -- Abraham Lincoln
No! You can't work now! It's Friday night. Don't you know what God thinks of that? -- Naela
"A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done." -- Fred Allen
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people. -- Oscar Wilde
She is the heart that strikes a whole octave. After her all songs are possible. -- Rainer Maria Rilke -Think I'M Going For A Walk Now I Feel A Little Unsteady Dont Want Nobody To Fo
We can do not great things - only small things with great love. -- Mother Theresa
He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit. -- Anonymous
"A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel." -- Robert Frost
The Abrams' Principle: The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
I'm really depressed there are no frontiers left to cross. And we'll be dead probably before people can go out to space -- Black Francis
Run from old mexicans that blow kisses! -- Amy, age 16
The one thing that can solve most of our problems is dancing. Any problem in the world can be solved by dancing.. -- James Brown
As early pioneers in the knowing, that when you lose your reason, you attain highest perfect knowing -- -Jack Kerouac, Book Of Blues, 55th Chourus, Desolation Blues
The only thing required for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing. -- Castlevania - Symphony Of The Night
Your fortune stateth: Stay away from flying saucers today.
Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
Man endures pain as an undeserved punishment; woman accepts it as a natural heritage. -- Anonymous
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. -- Woody Allen
Every generation laughs at the old fashions, but follows religiously the new. -- Henry David Thoreau, "Walden",
"Never frown when youre down, you never know whos falling in love with your smile" -- Unknown
"Getting out of bed in the morning is an act of false confidence." -- Jules Feiffer
I never let my schooling interfere with my education -- Mark Twain
"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force." -- Dorothy Parker
VITUPERATION, n. Saite, as understood by dunces and all such as suffer from an impediment in their wit. -- Ambrose Bierce
"Truth, in matters of religion, is simply the opinion that has survived." -- Oscar Wilde
There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften.
If I traveled to the end of the rainbow As Dame Fortune did intend, Murphy would be there to tell me The pot's at the other end. -- Bert Whitney
A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice.
"Your momma's a bubble." -- as stated by Sara Liner to Jubal H. Stedman
Love is being stupid together. -- Paul Velery
Quod erat demonstrandum. [Thus it is proven. For those who wondered WTF QED means.]
If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average. -- Leonard Levinson
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the multi national corporations and to the profit for which they stand one interlocking directorate under no home government divisible for monopoly and cheap labor for all -- Utah_phillips(Stupid'S_pledge)
Your fortune stateth: There is a fly on your nose.
Only after the last tree has been cut down; Only after the last fish has been caught; Only after the last river has been poisoned; Only then will you realize that money cannot be eaten. -- Cree Indian Prophecy
What is life, except excuse for death, or death but an escape from life. -- Anonymous
How come on the condom dispensers it has a little picture of birds flying over a pretty mountain. They use sex to sell everything else... why don't they use sex to sell condoms? -- Jeff Carnegie
Established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology. -- Blaauw's Law
"I've been up and down so many times, I feel like a revolving door" -- Cher
Charitably... I think... sometimes, perhaps , one must change or die. And, in the end,there were,perhaps limits to how much he could let himself change. -- Neil Gaiman
"I tell you what, if beer tasted like chocolate milk, I'd be a god damn alcoholic!" -- Sprinkle
Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
Necessity hath no law. -- Oliver Cromwell
"I shot you right between the nose!" -- Justin
I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear. -- John Foreman
A wasted youth is better by far than a wise and productive old age. -- Meat Loaf, from the song "Wasted Youth" on the album Bat Out of Hell II
Once you had to be a genius to make works of art. Now you have to be a genius to understand them. -- Roy Emmins
For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.
They should do away with the death penalty. Instead they should adopt a torture penalty. Something like continuos Kenny G., or having to tongue bathe Marilyn Manson. -- Fillafo
Your fortune stateth: Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
Hit any key to continue, or any other key to quit.
I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon. -- Willow
"If I _Promise_ to miss you ... Will you go away?" -- Anonymous
It's a control freak thing -- I won't *let* you understand.
We must die because we have known them. -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C.
"Are those the birds or the trees making that damn 'YAKKKKKKKKKOUHHHHHHH' sound?" -- Sean, 4:30 a.m. Sydney Australia, after a 23-hour flight.
"I don't like meat on my cheese." -- Elizabeth, when asked if she wanted pepperoni on her pizza.
The true believer is in a high degree protected against the danger of certain neurotic afflictions; by accepting the universal neurosis he is spared the task of forming a personal neurosis. -- Sigmund Freud
You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience. -- Stanislaw J. Lec
"The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons that what she doesn't know won't hurt him." -- Leo J. Burke
"marge, where's that metal doobie you use to...dig.....food..?" "you mean a spoon?" "yeah yeah yeah" -- -Homer
It takes a lot of stamps to return a mail order bride. -- S. Joslin
"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included." Bernard Manning
-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.
Bier auf Wien, lass es sein. Wein auf Bier, rat Ich dir. -- Austrian Proverb
"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it."
"I believe you. Of course, I am naive." -- Thunder Denton
Whenever anyone says "I can't," it makes me wish he'd get stung to death by about ten thousand bees. When he says "I'll try," five thousand bees. ("I can," one bee.) -- Jack Handey
They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. -- Benjamin Franklin
Erwin: "Where are you going?" James: "To my woom" Erwin: "Your WOMB? That's a long, tight trip!"
Be the change you want to see in the world. -- Mahatma Gandhi
Well, it's an interesting alternative to food. -- tom, on Vegitarian McDonald's.
Barth's Distinction: There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.
Matt's hand is neither spiral-bound nor purple. -- Paul
Harvard Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval. -- George Santayana
"Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, well, I think of my sex life." -- Glenda Jackson
In my end is my beginning. -- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots
Bubble Memory, n.: A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".
"The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn't being said." -- Peter F. Drucker
Your fortune stateth: You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You are not paid enough to worry.
The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line.
"I'm dead sexy!" -- Fat Bastard
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
Try blue Saran Wrap. Works for me! -- Chris Polack
I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it. -- Steven Wright
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Complaining about R.E.M. and then putting in the Beatles is like complaining about Slayer and then putting in Sepultura. -- Thomas
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. -- Charlie McCarthy
But, after all, the aim of art is to create space - space that is not compromised by decoration or illustration, space within which the subjects of painting can live. -- Frank Stella
Pyros of the world... IGNITE !!!
Time has no divisions to mark its passage, there is never a thunder-storm or blare of trumpets to announce the beginning of a new month or year. Even when a new century begins it is only we mortals who ring bells and fire off pistols. -- Thomas Mann
Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it is an enemy. -- A. Einstein
Navy Guy: "Can I jump over the tiles you're cleaning to get by?" Marine Guy: "If you can do it without touching them." Navy Guy: "Isn't that what jumping's all about?"
Call on God, but row away from the rocks. -- Indian proverb
Love is the flower of life, and blossoms unexpectedly and without law, and must be plucked where it is found, and enjoyed for the brief hour of its duration. -- D. H. Lawrence
"Did I just inhale, or exhale?" -- D., under conditions of smoke-induced confusion.
"You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say, 'Why not?'" -- George Bernard Shaw
A large brain, like large government, may not be able to do simple things in a simple way. -- Donald O. Hebb
You cannot create experience. You must undergo it. -- Albert Camus
DIPLOMACY, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country. -- Ambrose Bierce
"What government is the best? That which teaches us to govern ourselves." -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
"We should take care not to make the intellect our god; it has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality." -- Albert Einstein
LSD melts your mind, not in your hand. -- Anonymous
The TOILET? Even if I was MARRIED to the guy I wouldn't do it in the TOILET! (pause) The bathtub maybe... -- Shan-chan
To be nobody but yourself, in a world which is doing it's best, night and day, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. -- E. E. Cummings
Little Girl: Fortune of Wheel! Mom: No, that's Wheel of Fortune, where you learned to spell.
"The Internet is a gateway to get on the net." -- Bob Dole
The artist must train not only his eye but also his soul. -- Wassily Kaninsky
Your fortune stateth: Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
"I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was... an arctic wilderness." -- Steve Martin
"If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia." -- Thomas Szasz
An unused VCR is a sad VCR. -- Ashley Chen
This is for all ill-treated fellows Unborn and unbegot, For them to read when they're in trouble And I am not. -- A. E. Housman
We're on a mission from God -- The Blues Brothers
Your lucky color has faded.
Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat. -- Mark Twain
The whole business is built on ego, vanity, self-satisfaction, and it's total crap to pretend it's not. -- George Michael
ZEAL, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl. -- Ambrose Bierce
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
Your fortune stateth: Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him. -- Rich Little
You're at the end of the road again.
"Dogma does not mean the absence of thought, but the end of thought." -- Gilbert Keith Chesterton
"Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel." -- Samuel Johnson
"If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam." -- Johnny Carson
Science is a collection of successful recipes. -- Paul Valery
Emily: "It's like when you cut a chicken's head off and it runs around for a while." Missy: "I wonder if people would do that."
If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
Your fortune stateth: Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any better so get used to it.
But it's cute! We could put a small pizza in it! -- Matt
Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay. -- Miguel de Cervantes
Do you not know, my son, with what little understanding the world is ruled? -- Pope Julius III
You can play with the fire but do not get burned. -- Joe Planchat
If a `religion' is defined to be a system of ideas that contains unprovable statements, then Godel taught us that mathematics is not only a religion, it is the only religion that can prove itself to be one. -- John Barrow
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. -- Swami X
Life isn't a matter of milestones, but of moments. -- Rose Kennedy
Oregon Democratic Senate candidate Tom Bruggere, in describing his support for comprehensive health care during a candidates' forum, said he supported "erection-to-resurrection" coverage. He later amended that to "cradle to grave." -- News report
"Marshmellow Peeps? Bad for you... bad for the earth... bad bad bad." -- Moby, to Paul, in critique of the latter's eating habits.
An act of love that fails is just as much a part of the divine life as an act of love that succeeds, for love is measured by fullness, not by reception. -- Harold Loukes
More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. -- Woody Allen
"You been droppin' science!" -- Chris Fujiyoshi (while interviewing an applicant who had a tech degree)
Never look a gift horse in the mouth. -- Saint Jerome
"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith." -- Albert Einstein
"When we ask for advise, we are usually looking for an accomplice." -- Marquis De La Grange
Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice. -- Anonymous
"Lordie, Lordie, Lordie, he's not wearing any pants!" -- Megan
Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
"We could have saved [the Earth] but we were too damned cheap." -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
...a thousand paths and an infinity of dreams. Hopeful, we are halfway to where we want to go hopeless, we are lost forever. -- Chinese Proverb
Real Time, adj.: Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there and then.
Zack: "Here smell my backpack -- it smells like gutter water." Dan: "No, I think I'll pass on that offer."
Love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant. -- Anonymous
Your fortune stateth: It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.
With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly good I thee endow. -- Wedding Vow, Book of Common Prayer
Your fortune stateth: You have a truly strong individuality.
As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
"The test of tolerance comes when we are in a majority; the test of courage comes when we are in a minority." -- Ralph W. Stockman
Music is essentially useless, as life is. -- George Santayana, "Life of Reason"
Since feeling is first, who pays attention to the syntax of things will never wholly kiss you. -- E. E. Cummings
I know I don't know everything, but I don't know what I don't know, so I can't really study. -- Deborah the night before her biology final, trying to justify why she was playing with her computer rather than studying.
Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there. -- Sydney J. Harris
Flanders: I think we just hit something. Homer: I hope it was Flanders! -- Homer
Chemicals, n.: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
Your fortune stateth: Your lucky number has been disconnected.
"In order to become the master, the politician poses as the servant." -- Charles De Gaulle
I told you a million times, do not exaggerate. -- Rik
"AAAAAAAAAAAGH." -- Angie
Sarah to Liz, after referring to Liz's father's truck: Sarah: "Is that a stick?" Liz: "Where?"
Laws are like cobwebs, which may catch small flies, but let wasps and hornets break through -- From Anglo-Irish Poet And Satirist Jonathan Swift'S "Thoughts On Various Subjects."
Now your soul may belong to Jesus, but your ass belongs to the Marine Corps -- Full Metal Jacket
With a rubber duck, one's never alone. -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
The chief goal of a good doctor is to save the patient from the other doctors. -- Richard, a practicing doctor
"Making fun of born-again christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope." -- P.J. O'Rourke
VIRTUES, n.pl. Certain abstentions. -- Ambrose Bierce
The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more. -- Woody Allen
"I guess a similar accident will befall another celebrity, since those things always come in trees." -- Miller, about the skiing deaths of Michael Kennedy and Sonny Bono
I came here to do 2 things, chew gum and kick ass. Looks like I'm fresh out of gum. -- Roddy Piper, "They Live"
First you want to kill me, then you want to kiss me. Blow. -- Army Of Darkness
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
I never did it that way before.
They see poetry in what I have done. No. I apply my methods, and that is all there is to it. -- Georges Seurat
Why must i be surrounded by fricken idiots? -- Austin
Hoare's Law of Large Problems: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
Time will end all my troubles, but I don't always approve of Time's methods.
"The savage bows down to idols of wood and stone: the civilized man to idols of flesh and blood." -- George Bernard Shaw
Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
When in doubt, follow your heart.
Good hours, excellent pay, fun place to work, paid training, mean boss. Oh well, four out of five isn't bad. -- Help Wanted Ad, PA newspaper, 1994
A soul that knows it is loved but does not itself love betrays its sediment: what is at the bottom comes up. -- Friedrich Nietzsche
Coffee leads men to trifle away their time, scald their chops, and spend their money, all for a little base, black, thick, nasty, bitter, stinking nauseous puddle water. -- The Women's Petition Against Coffee -1674
"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it." -- Donald Knuth
"If Laura Ashley weren't dead, I'd KILL her myself." -- Ed, after Tammey bought a new dress.
"Defined in psychological terms, a fanatic is a man who consciously overcompensates a secret doubt." -- Aldous Huxley
"I just love it when people ask me food and I have questions in my mouth!" -- Ellie
A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
I want meadows red in tone and trees painted in blue. Nature has no imagination. -- Charlse Baudelaire
"History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives." -- Abba Eban
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
"Shhhh! He's deaf" -- Katie
"Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin." -- John Von Neuman
"Against my will, I am sent to bid you....come into dinner.......Theres a double meaing in that!" Benadict -- William Shakespeare
"My cat keeps eating my monkey!" -- Jen
A bisexual is someone who is just trying to increase their chances of getting laid by 50%. -- Tyler
Your fortune stateth: Are you a turtle?
"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong." -- Blair Houghton
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.
If a thing is worth doing at all, it is worth doing badly. -- Gustav Holst, on amateur music-making
Irony is its style, but also its subject. -- Joseph Conrad
Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting someone else to do the work. -- John G. Pollard
To be loved, be lovable. -- Ovid
Weinberg's Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
"(My favorite version is on bagpipe, but you shouldn't be led by other people's perversions.)" -- Dani Zweig
"A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car." -- Kenneth Tynan
"I ask for a beer and he gives me a black 'I'." -- Ginny, after I got out of the car to go into a liquor store and stopped and handed her a letter which had fallen from a changeable sign.
"The whole dream of democracy is to raise the proletarian to the level of stupidity attained by the bourgeois." -- Gustave Flaubert
Ben: I once talked on the phone to someone while she was taking a bath... Rando: Hmm. What if she had dropped the phone? Ben: (shrugs) I guess I'd drown.
"Would it upset men if they found out we weren't different? Are we? Aren't we? Damned if I know." -- Rita Mae Brown
"Eh! Je suis leur chef, il fallait bien les suivre. (Ah well! I am their leader, I really ought to follow them.)" -- Alexandre Auguste Ledru-Rollin
Delight and amaze me!
"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils." -- Hector Louis Berlioz
It's good to know the exact dollar value of a bulls**t story. -- Tom, whose fine was reduced by $100 based on his detailed written explanation of why he was driving 87mph in a 55mph zone.
God is a circle whose center is everywhere and whose circumference is nowhere. -- Empedocles
You only have power over people as long as you don't take everything away from them. But when you've robbed a man of everything he's no longer in your power -- he's free again. -- Nobel Prize-Winning Author Alexander Solzhenitsyn
Are you pretty? Are you queen of the dark silhouettes on the movie screen? Do you want my heart, or do you want more 'Cos everyone's a whore on the disco floor. -- Tom Dorman
It is harder for a needle to go in the eye of a camel than a rich man to enter heaven. -- (Not the Bible....)
"The beatings will continue until the morale improves." -- Anonymous
Do you have any Chicken Burgers? -- My Friend Dejan at the KFC drive-through.
Coffee makes us severe, and grave, and philosophical. -- Jonathan Swift
"You've achieved success in your field when you don't know whether what you're doing is work or play." -- Warren Beatty
As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. -- Oscar Wilde
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. -- Mark Russell
Rule of Feline Frustration: When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.
Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi.
Usually, terrible things that are done with the excuse that progress requires them are not really progress at all, but just terrible things. -- Russell Baker
"When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane." -- Franklyn Ajaye
I've decided, I'm going to feed every little addiction and silently go mad 'cause right now my writing sucks -- Zaffel
Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain of being a damned fool. -- Bellamy Brooks
"He looks just like that guy over there...only different." -- Ally describing an old friend
"That doesn't smell like an ocean breeze, it smells like a urinal disinfectant." -- Jen's mom, about a candle
We had a lot in common. I loved him and he loved him. -- Shelley Winters
A friend is a gift you give yourself. -- Robert Louis Stevenson
Kinkler's First Law: Responsibility always exceeds authority. Kinkler's Second Law: All the easy problems have been solved.
"Throw rocks at it; see if it's still alive. Oh, my god! What's it saying?" -- Troy S., after an owl hit his truck and we got out to inspect it.
Boredom excites imagination -- Fyodor Dostoevsky
"Always behave like a duck--keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like the devil underneath." -- Jacob Braude
I bet if you were in some old west gang, and you were dragging a guy along the ground with your horse, It'd probably make you really mad to look back and see him reading a magazine. -- Jack Handey
Lost my job for no reason or rhyme, guess that means it's martini time. -- Reverend Horton Heat
Computer programmers do it byte by byte
"Let us overthrow the totems, break the taboos. Or better, let us consider them cancelled. Coldly, let us be intelligent." -- Pierre Trudeau
You can sit on your back porch and kill chickens all day as long as you don't say "God". -- Dave Helrich, in response to a Florida law restricting animal sacrifices in Voodoo ceremonies
"In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted." -- Bertrand Russell
We could have bagels and whipped cream for breakfast! -- my Aunt Judy, trying to figure out what to do with the leftover whipped cream from Thanksgiving dinner.
"The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from." -- Andres S. Tannenbaum
Remember that the most beautiful things in the world are the most useless; peacocks and lilies, for example. -- John Ruskin
"I like it, I just don't have the taste for it!" -- Ellie's brother
ADORE, v.t. To venerate expectantly. -- Ambrose Bierce
Your fortune stateth: 40 isn't old. If you're a tree.
"Yeah, that's what they think in Jerkland!" -- Colin D., during some kind of argument.
Some people train knowing they're not working as hard as other people. I can't fathom how they think. -- Alberto Salazar
Watson's Law: The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the number and significance of any persons watching it.
President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
What marks the artist is his power to shape the material of the pain we all have. -- Lionel Trilling
Annie: "I look like a goon in all my pictures." Tara: "Annie, that's what you always look like." Annie: "So, what's your point?"
"There is no such thing as a functional illiterate." -- Kelvin Throop
"It isn't everybody who can laugh out of that orifice." -- Ellie's Dad
Baggage checker: Has anyone put anything in your luggage without your knowledge? Me: If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? Baggage checker: That's why we ask.
"If I had a knife, I'd shoot you!" -- Tom Mullan's wife, in a heated argument.
Practice random acts of kindness and sensless acts of beauty. -- Adair Lara
Hindsight is an exact science.
"Literature is no longer Necessary. Teaching is left.. -- Jack KerouacWould you care to view the ruins of my good intentions?
There is no one so bound to his own face that he does not cherish the hope of presenting another to the world. -- Antonio Machado
Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.
"To call war the soil of courage and virtue is like calling debauchery the soil of love." -- George Santayana
Sleep walking throught the all night drugstore, baptized in flourescent light. I found religion in the greeting card aisle, and now I know Hallmark was right. -- Ani Difranco
Your fortune stateth: Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
They say you live every single day for the rest of your live. All this is true except for one day, the day you die -- Lester Burhnam "American Beauty"
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem. -- George Bernard Shaw
It is a lesson which all history teaches wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances. -- Emerson
"Jazz will endure just as long as people hear it through their feet instead of their brains." -- John Philip Sousa
The best and most beautiful thing in life cannot be seen, not touched, but are felt in the heart. -- Hellen Keller
"Who will sa-e-ave your soul?" -- Gary, in a very soulful voice, as the physics professor writes "Joule" on the chalk board.
Double!
"I have something funny to say, if we're done with this." -- Sarah G.
I had three pieces of limestone on my desk, but I was terrified to find that they required to be dusted daily, when the furniture of my mind was all undusted still, and threw them out the window in disgust. -- Henry David Thoreau, "Walden"
Prediction is difficult, especially the future. -- Niels Bohr
My head was feeling scared but my heart was feeling free -- Black Francis
Immerse your soul in love -- Radiohead, "Street Spirit (Fade Out)"
Life is an unfoldment, and the further we travel the more truth we can comprehend. To understand the things that are at our door is the best preparation for understanding those that lie beyond -- Hypatia
"Wow, that means we must have set them ten minutes apart from each other." -- Brianne, discussing the difference between the time shown her watch and that shown on her boyfriend's.
Nine megs for the secretaries fair, Seven megs for the hackers scarce, Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, Three megs for system source; One disk to rule them all, One disk to bind them, One disk to hold the files And in the darkness grind 'em.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in. -- George McGovern
Don't let your status become too quo!
Some guy knocked on my apartment door this morning and said he was from pest control. So I handed him my cat and went back to sleep. -- Melissa B
Now and then, an innocent man is sent to the Legislature.
"It's like a graphical user interface without all the little graphicals" -- Tony, tech support instructor at my work when explaining some of the functions of DOS
I have had just about all I can take of myself. -- S. N. Behrman
L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare. -- L. Pasteur
The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.)
I build a painting by putting little marks together--some look like hot dogs, some like doughnuts. -- Chuck Close
A watched clock never boils.
"I don't bring a date; I bring a tape." -- Marty Crabtree, entering a party with a C-90 cassette of obscure bands.
*All* television is children's television. -- Richard P. Adler
Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.
"Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd." -- Voltaire
Despite the high cost of living it remains a popular item. -- Anonymous
I call architecture frozen music -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
If I love you, what business is it of yours? -- Johann van Goethe
Assassins! -- Arturo Toscanini, to his orchestra
"Tourists are terrorists with cameras; terrorists are tourists with guns." -- Andrei Codresque
All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.
PREROGATIVE, n. A sovereign's right to do wrong. -- Ambrose Bierce
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement. -- Anonymous
"It is a sobering thought, for example, that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years." -- Tom Lehrer
My husband used to make all the decisions in our family. But now that he's a Promise Keeper, we always talk first and then he makes the decision. -- Wife of a Promise Keeper, a U.S. men's religious group focusing on mens' commitments to their families
The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender. -- Anne Boleyn
Dignity is like a flag. It flaps in a storm. -- Roy Mengot
When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday.
Matt: I would like a hot apple pie a la mode and a mocha latte. Waiter: Would you like that pie heated? Matt: Ah, yeah. Waiter: Would you like Ice cream? Matt: Ah, yeah. Waiter: We only have one kind of mocha.
"Never judge a book by its movie." -- J.W. Eagan
"The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is a delight to moralists -- that is why they invented hell." -- Bertrand Russell
Russel W.: Ahhh! Mithess wahner, ah gah ih ah ma tahn!!! Mrs. Wagner: (without looking up from her grade book) Shut up, Russel. (Russel chewed on an erasable pen too much and it blew up in his mouth.)
"I'm huge! I eat sheep whole!" -- Jayson putting words into the mouth of the goat from Disney's "The Hunchback of Notre Dame", now often used to refer to anything or anyone moderately large.
War is a profession by which a man cannot live honorably; an employment by which the soldier, if he would reap any profit, is obliged to be false, rapacious, and cruel. -- Niccolo Machiavelli
Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
Parker's Law: Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
"The Earth goes around the Sun, and is mercifully not accreted." -- Astronomy Prof Balbus
Sometimes I do get to places just when God's ready to have somebody click the shutter. -- Ansel Adams
We cease loving ourselves if no one loves us. -- Mme de Stael
Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature. -- Tom Robbins
"I think of life as a good book. The further you get into it, the more it begins to make sense." -- Harold S. Kushner
I'm always lagged, except when I'm not. -- Kat
If we let people see that kind of thing, there would never again be any war. -- Pentagon official, on why US military censored graphic footage from the Gulf War
"What's a buzz feel like?" -- Heather, upon drinking for the first time.
"The experience called 'natural childbirth' is not natural at all. It is freaky and bizarre." -- Jay
He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides. -- Anonymous
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it -- G. B. Shaw
Flee at once, all is discovered.
Only positive consequences encourage good future performances. -- Kenneth H. Blanchard
To teach is to learn twice. -- Joseph Joubert
Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand. -- Spinoza
It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical? -- Alan Perlis
The ultimate result of shielding man from the effects of folly is to people the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer
Distress, n.: A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Really, you can do anything on a bed. Beds are awesome. They're like big, cushiony floors. -- Karen
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
"The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
"If we get involved in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs damage my videotapes?" -- Readers' Q and A column in TV Guide, 1985
What's the point of wearing your lucky rocketship underpants if no one asks to see 'em? -- Calvin
"If I were a martini, I would like to be drunk by Peter O'Toole, circa 1967." -- Marianne at alt.gnashing-teeth
"We do not know what to do with this short life, yet we yearn for another that will be eternal." -- Anatole France
"In nature, there are neither rewards or punishments -- there are consequences." -- Robert Green Ingersoll
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
"I like having a car where I can do seventy without having to lean forward. -- Jen and her new Kia.
Art among a religious race produces relics; among a military one, trophies; among a commercial one, articles of trade. -- Henry Fuseli
Alright brain, you don't like me and i don't like you, so let's just do this thing and I'll go back to killing you with beer. -- Homer
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
I didn't drool on you. I was just wiping my mouth on your shirt. -- Karen
Not much meat on her, but what's there is choice. -- Spencer Tracy, about Katharine Hepburn
Those who love deeply never grow old. -- Anonymous
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." -- Rich Jeni
The funny thing about driving your car off a cliff, I bet you're still hitting those brakes. -- Jack Handey
It is best to learn as we go, not go as we have learned. -- Leslie Jeanne Sahler
They were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Naturally they became heroes. -- Anonymous
So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence. -- Bertrand Russell
Character is a victory, not a gift. -- Anonymous
Give me a laundry list and I'll set it to music -- Rossini
We are all of us living in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. -- Oscar Wilde
Your fortune stateth: You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.
People find life entirely too time-consuming -- Stanislaw J. Lec
We can say 'Peace on Earth,' we can sing about it, preach about it or pray about it, but if we have not internalized the mythology to make it happen inside us, then it will not be. -- Betty Shabazz
"[David] Cronenberg is to Toronto as John Hughes is to Chicago." -- David Plant, Toronto Film Commissioner
"Ah, he did it the right way I would have done it." -- Jack, upon examining some else's source code
"I got it at Peaches. You know, Peaches? Peaches! Remember Peaches? Peaches... turned into Beehive, then Sears catalog stuff, you know, Peaches? Sold those little round music things? Peaches! Like Tower but rural? Peaches!" -- Paul B.
If money is your hope for independence you will never have it. The only real security that a man will have in this world is a reserve of knowledge, experience, and ability. -- Henry Ford
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Avec!
"Her Majesty is not a subject." -- Benjamin Disraeli - Responding to Gladstone's taunt that Disraeli could make a joke out of any subject, including Queen Victoria.
Did you know that clones never use mirrors? -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Sociability is a big smile, and a big smile is nothing but teeth. Rest and be kind. -- Jack kerouac, "The Scripture of the Golden Eternity #30"
Ordinary people do fucked-up things when fucked-up things become ordinary. -- Propagandhi
"Jesus... not one-sided love again..." -- Jason Holliman
If you're ever on fire, I think it's best not to look in a mirror, because that will really get you in a panic. -- Jack Handey
"After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi." -- P.J. O'Rourke
"The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?" -- Derek Wills
"I don't need a long one; I just need your love." -- Shannon, in response to Wendell's apology for not giving her a long backrub.
The ultimate measure of man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy -- Martin Luther King Jr.
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't work. -- Gallagher
Oh don't the days seem lank and long When all goes right and none goes wrong, And isn't your life extremely flat With nothing whatever to grumble at!
Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach.
Your fortune stateth: Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.
Many an ancient lord's last words have been, "You can't kill me because I've got magic aaargh." -- Terry Pratchett
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. -- George Wald
There is nothing new except what has been forgotten. -- Marie Antoinette
I read a quote attributed to the Beatles. What did they do, speak it in unison? -- John Alejandro King
With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die. -- Abraham Lincoln
Chism's Law of Completion: The amount of time required to complete a government project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
Having been there in the 70's in L.A. isn't it amazing that the only ones that mattred are all dead- everyone else is in an imitatative state of a dying animal. -- Darby Crash, The Germs - 1980, Starwood Theatre
"But that's what being an artist _is_ -- feeling crummy before everyone else feels crummy." -- The New Yorker
Fear is only as deep as the mind allows -- Japenese proverb
"If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door." -- Paul Beatty
Sometimes, you hit the bar, and saometimes, the bar hits you -- Jeffrey Lebowski Aka
SENATE, n. A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors. -- Ambrose Bierce
"I once said cynically of a politician, 'He'll doublecross that bridge when he comes to it.'" -- Oscar Levant
Please, allow myself to introduce........myself -- Austin Powers
"I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them." -- George Herbert Walker Bush
Can I have a hamburger with no meat, cheese, or mayo, please? -- My vegetarian friend July Sanders at McDonald's.
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." -- Isaac Asimov
The only thing you will ever be able to say in the so-called 'social' sciences is: "some do, some don't." -- Ernest Rutherford
No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow.
You might have mail
RESPECTABILITY, n. The offspring of a _liaison_ between a bald head and a bank account. -- Ambrose Bierce
If you have nothing else to do, look about you and see if there isn't something close at hand that you can improve! It may make you wealthy, though it is more likely that it will make you happy. -- George Matthew Adams
2,400,000 Americans play the accordian - hopefully not at the same time. -- inside of a Pepsi cap
Attract and repel... Attract and repel like tricky dogs. -- John F. Fisher
If you don't turn rebel by 20 you got no heart. If you don't conform by 30 you got no brain. -- Kevin Spacey, "Swimming With The Sharks"
There is no pleasure to me without communication: there is not so much as a sprightly thought comes into my mind that it does not grieve me to have produced alone, and that I have no one to tell it to. -- Michel Eyquem De Montaigne
"Ya know, twinkies wouldn't even last as long as they do now around Rando if they were purple." -- Tyro
"If I didn't have a sense of humor, I wouldn't be very funny!" -- Bets. the Blond Stranger
When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh.
If we're so smart and so creative, why aren't we happier than they are?
Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
"If it ain't broke, break it." -- my 3-year-old nephew, Cody
"Television is to news as bumperstickers are to philosophy." -- Richard M. Nixon
"It's the Intel from Hell." -- Benji Krause, on the evil Terminator in T2
Remember: Matter: how tiny your share of it. Time: how brief and fleeting your allotment of it. Fate: how small a role you play in it. -- Marcus Aurelius
"When do I get to lick something?" -- Shannon, while baking cookies.
"Sometimes I think we're alone. Sometimes I think we're not. In either case, the thought is quite staggering." -- R. Buckminster Fuller
"Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it." -- Andre Gide
N life as in dance: Grace glides on blistered feet. -- Alice Abram
People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.
"When in Rome, don't act all cocky because they'll get mad and kick you out." -- Andy
"I found a white fuzzy thing down between my legs and it turned out to be a french fry" -- Ellie's Dad, after eating lunch with a cat in his lap.
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. -- Norm Schryer
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. -- Albert Einstein
Your fortune stateth: Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
"I've imagined great victories, and I've imagined great races. The races are better." -- Mark Helprin
Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
"My only love sprung from my only hate Too early seen unknown, and known too late." Juliet, Romeo and Juliet -- Shakespeare
Genius is pain. -- John Lennon
Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you for the rest of the day. -- Sara
Your fortune stateth: Are you ever going to do the dishes?  Or will you change your major to biology?
"Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent." -- George Orwell
"The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation." -- Oscar Wilde
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. -- Ben Franklin
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. -- Mark Twain
Hell is a half-filled auditorium. -- Robert Frost
We were born to die and we die to live. As seedlings of God, we barely blossom on earth; we fully flower in heaven. -- Russell M. Nelson, LDS Church News, April 1992 General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
How many meters in a meter stick? -- Amy, in physics class
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -- Mark Twain
"War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military." -- Clemenceau
I believe in nothing, everything is sacred. I believe in everything, nothing is sacred. -- Tom Robbins, Even Cowgirls Get the Blues
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, call it the target.
"The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling." -- Paula Poundstone
"Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop." -- Definitions, Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
"I'd rather drink something less phlegm inducing." -- Paul B.
EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding. -- Ambrose Bierce
Sometimes one has simply to endure a period of depression for what it may hold of illumination if one can live through it, attentive to what it exposes or demands. -- May Sarton
"Everyone, in some small sacred sanctuary of the self, is nuts." -- Leo Calvin Rosten
I wish that people who are conventionally supposed to love each other would say to each other, when they fight, 'Please-a little less love, and a little more common decency.'" -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Slapstick"
A poet is someone who is astonished by everything. -- Anonymous
Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
"To *you* I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." -- Woody Allen
I am not the least afraid to die. -- Charles Darwin
"New York ... is not Mecca. It just smells like it." -- Neil Simon - US Playwright
I know I'm not in government anymore. In fact I'm out of work. -- Ronald Reagan, Former U.S. President, on a speaking tour of Japan, 1989
Love and work are the cornerstones of our humanness. -- Sigmund Freud
Your fortune stateth: Your present plans will be successful.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to hold the girrafe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
Sorry. I forget what I was going to say.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. -- Albert Einstein
"Personally, I just want to see you go through a table." -- Jason Holliman, to former roommate James "TaCo" Williamson, who is training to be a professional wrestler
"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequilla." -- Mitch Ratcliffe
Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it.
A little idolatry is relaxing, every once in a while. -- Tim Dueck
"Why are our days numbered and not, say lettered?" -- Woody Allen
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
"Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle." -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
Calm down -- it's only ones and zeroes.
Rast ich, so rost ich. -- German Proverb
Your fortune stateth: Just to have it is enough.
Icky icky icky icky fKANG zoop-boing n zowzyin... -- The Knights who so recently said "Nee!", Monty Python, British comedy television show
"I'm going home." -- Andy Ho, my Chinese friend, while digging in the sand on the beach
If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a call.
"Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images." -- Jean Cocteau
"He scored 55 points in the one game. He whipped a camel's ass. Michael Jordan! Michael Jordan!" -- Jason Holliman, doing a bad imitation of Wesley Willis.
Our passions are not too strong, they are too weak. We are far too easily pleased. -- C.S. Lewis
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. -- Abbie Hoffman
"In today's world, it's very important that you periodically say bull-s***!" -- announced in class by my psychology professor
This turtleneck is really tight. -- Heather Carlson
Absence makes the heart forget.
If there is no struggle there is no progress. -- Frederick Douglass
A life spent making mistakes is not only more honourable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. -- George Benard Shaw
Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. -- R. S. Barton
"I told them, I'll do that song if you'll give me a hundred dollars and a lifetime free card to Lord's Cricket ground....I got the money, but I fuckin' never got the card." -- Roy Harper, on how he got the job singing "Have a Cigar" for Pink Floyd
"I've noticed that every time I go to the bathroom to wash my hands, I decide I need to pee. Then, I have to wash my hands all over again. And this really sucks." -- Devon
Your fortune stateth: Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a change.
"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?" -- Woody Allen
Actually, the only memory I have of being a Cub Scout was trying to get my hat back. That was all I did. Run back and forth at my bus stop going "Quit it." -- Jerry Seinfeld
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo... -- Anonymous
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
"Teach a parrot the terms "supply and demand" and you've got an economist." -- Thomas Carlyle
I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
The supreme happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved -- loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves. -- Victor Hugo
Hey! The McDonald's just turned off! -- Alyssa
"Innocence is a spendid thing, only it has the misfortune of not keeping well." -- Immanuel Kant
"Like a white suit with cheap rice all over it." -- Edward
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. -- Einstein
"Sadeq, what are you doing in that dress?" -- Missy, after spotting Sadeq's sister, who looks alarmingly like Sadeq.
Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains or slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take but as for me; give me liberty or give me death! -- Patrick Henry
"To err is human. To forgive is not our policy." - MIT Assassins' Guild
It's easier to apologize than ask for permission. -- Anonymous
-- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.
"It makes me SO happy to hear that hat-wearing people are reproducing." -- Overheard at work
The proper artistic response to digital technology is to embrace it as a new window on everything that's eternally human, and to use it with passion, wisdom, fearlessness and joy. -- Ralph Lombreglia
ASPERSE, v.t. Maliciously to ascribe to another vicious actions which one has not had the temptation and opportunity to commit. -- Ambrose Bierce
Smoke and Mirrors/special effects a little fear/ a little sex that all love is/ behind the tears smoke and mirrors -- The Magnetic Fields
Magary's Principle: When there is a pubic outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do the cutting, and the public's services are cut.
Mum's the word. -- Miguel de Cervantes
Technically, noting exists, and everything does not. -- Max Levin
At night, as I tried to go to sleep, I listened to Mr. Fox play the piano, and I learned from those evening recitals that music could ache and hurt, that beautiful music was a place a suffering man could hide. -- Pat Conroy, "Beach Music"
Rule of Creative Research: 1) Never draw what you can copy. 2) Never copy what you can trace. 3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
Don't ask so many personal questions! -- written on one of those "make your own sandwich" check-off lists at UW.
Don't piss me off. i'm running out of places to hide the bodies. -- A T-Shirt
"Hell is paved with good samaritans." -- William M. Holden
There is nothing to be learned from history anymore. We're in science fiction now. -- Allen Ginsberg
"The only possible form of exercise is to talk, not to walk." -- Oscar Wilde
So I turned myself to face me, but I've never caught a glimpse of how the others must see the faker. I'm much too fast to take that test. -- David Bowie, "Changes"
Your fortune stateth: So you're back... about time...
"A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him." -- David Brinkley
Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the double lock will keep; May no brick through the window break, And, no one rob me till I awake.
Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what parents were created for. -- Ogden Nash
"Everyone wants to be Cary Grant. Even I want to be Cary Grant." -- Cary Grant
It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. -- Alexander Korda
"An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured." -- Konrad Adenauer
But what is the difference between literature and journalism? ...Journalism is unreadable and literature is not read. That is all. -- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist"
"The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a right turn on a red light." -- Woody Allen
Every good painter paints what he is. -- Jackson Pollock
"Gravity is a habit that is hard to shake off." -- Terry Pratchett, _Small Gods_
I'm killing time, wasting space, and going through a phase.
If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something. -- Franklin D. Roosevelt
Everyone admits that love is wonderful and necessary, yet no one agrees on just what it is. -- Diane Ackerman
Your fortune stateth: You are the only person to ever get this message.
"His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier."
Every painting is a war. You have to struggle every day, and to struggle every day with your inadequacies is a damn nuisance. -- Neil Welliver
"I broke up with her because she paid to much attention to me." -- Mike trying to justify dumping his girlfriend after only two weeks.
"Don't be so humble, you're not that great." -- Golda Meir
"We tend to idealize tolerance, then wonder why we find ourselves infested with losers and nut cases." -- Patrick Nielsen Hayden
A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other.
What goes up must come down. Ask any system administrator. -- Anonymous
"To stimulate creativity, one must develop the childlike inclination for play and the childlike desire for recognition." -- Albert Einstein
San Francisco, n.: Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
Brought to you by the people who made "out of context" a household word.
"I wasn't sure what they were going to do when she put her head between his legs." -- Lisa, commenting on a pairs figure skating program in the Olympics.
Logic is like a little bird sitting in a tree that smells awful. -- Rajeen Nabid
For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned.
Experience teaches only the teachable. -- Aldous Huxley
"Our liberty depends upon the freedom of the press, and that cannot be limited without being lost." -- Thomas Jefferson
A man's feet should be planted in his country, but his eyes should survey the world. -- George Santayana
But I don't usually dance like this! -- My response to "I think i'm falling in love with you."
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it. -- George Bernard Shaw
If when you die you get a choice between pie heaven and regular heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick but if not mmmboy -- Jack Handey
If it's not one thing, it's a BUNCH of things.
I hate combustion! -- Steph (doing chemistry homework)
To err is human, to moo bovine.
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries. -- Winston Churchill
Your fortune stateth: It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
Reality -- what a concept! -- Robin Williams
History is made by stupid people. Clever people wouldn't even try. If you want your name in the history books than do something dumb before you die. -- Arrogant Worms
A full belly makes a dull brain. -- Ben Franklin [and the local candy machine man. Ed]
Chaos is King, and Magic is loose in the world.
It is art that makes life, makes interest, makes importance . . . and I know of no substitute whatever for the force and beauty of its process. -- Henry James
Be right back. I'm going to go add yellow wavelengths to the toilet. -- Lisa
"Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh." -- W. H. Auden
Punks not dead...it's just taking a nap -- Disgruntled Bad Religion Fan After They Failed To Come Back For An Encore
Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing any one who comes between them. -- Sydney Smith
Jimmy: "You know what's weird?" Dawn: "How Jello works?"
"In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence." -- Laurence Johnston Peter
Conversation, n.: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.
"God it's so cold, it's like zero below in here!" -- Chris
"Why do men go to war? Because women are watching." -- T. S. Eliot
"Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich." -- Napoleon
Don't guess -- check your security regulations.
"Hi..this is my bed, not a Fry-Daddy." -- Juliet
When suffering knocks at your door and you say there is no seat for him, he tells you not to worry because he has brought his own stool. -- Chinua Achebe
All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income. -- Samuel Butler
"The kind of man who wants the government to adopt and enforce his ideas is always the kind of man whose ideas are idiotic." -- H.L. Mencken
The fact which the politician faces is merely that there is less honor among thieves than was supposed, and not the fact that they are thieves. -- Henry David Thoreau, "Walden"
Oohhh behave! -- Austin "Danger" Powers
God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal. -- Samuel Butler
When Jesus comes back to earth the last thing he wants to see is a cross. -- Bill Hicks
Angels we have heard on High Tell us to go out and Buy. -- Tom Leher
People used what they called a telephone becuase they hated being close together and they were scared of being alone. -- Chuck Palahniuk
Paul's Law: In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
And I was like "Hey! Woah! Walking pineapple!" -- Dena
How you look depends on where you go.
(Saturday morning, 6:00am. Phone rings.) "Uncle" Ben: "Hello?" Chris: "Hey, did I wake you up?" "Uncle" Ben: "No, I was asleep anyway."
"I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
"...why I'm so sympathetic to the monsters. The answer is simple. Because I am one." -- Laurell K. Hamilton
Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else.
From a sociological point of view, child psychiatry is a secular institution for regulating domestic relations. From my point of view it is child abuse. -- Dr. Thomas Szasz, Professor of Psychiatry
We are on the eve of discovering that nothing should be done for the sake of gods, but all for the good of man -- nothing for another world -- everything for this. -- Carl Sagan
Idealism increases in direct proportion to one's distance from the problem. -- John Galsworthy
"Children should neither be seen nor heard from -- ever again." -- W. C. Fields
Sorry. Nice try.
I think if I were a woman I'd wear coffee as a perfume. -- John Van Druten
Jim: It's the cops, let's go. Tom: Why? Jim: We're gay prostitutes. Tom (stunned): What!?? We're not gay prostitutes! We're just standing here! Jim: Doesn't matter, they'll think we are. Tom: Why would they think that? Jim: 'cause we're cute.
Mr. Bollmann: Does anyone know what the United Nations is? Krystal: Isn't that where we live? Oh wait...
Sensations are rapid dreams -- Santayana
Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality . Wake up and live! -- Bob Marley
I kick ass for the Lord! -- Dead Alive
Life - a sexually transmitted terminal condition. -- Walter Prager
When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, "Monet" or "Manet", I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me. -- Jack Handey
"I'm STILL a beaver!" -- The Girl Whose Name Dare Not Be Spoken (a.k.a. Sherry)
We are told never to cross a bridge until we come to it, but this world is owned by men who have 'crossed bridges' in their imagination far ahead of the crowd. -- Anonymous
I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shoc k whenever we did something to disobey the president. Then somehow I get myself elected president. -- Jack Handey
Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
Style is nothing, but nothing is wihout its style -- Antoine Rivarol
Lost and Found. Lost wife and dog. Reward for Dog! -- Screach
Great Spirit, help me never to judge another until I have walked in his moccasins. -- Sioux Indian Prayer
Politics is for people who have a passion for changing life but lack a passion for living it. -- Tom Robbins
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
I really hate this damned machine I wish that they would sell it. It never does quite what I want But only what I tell it.
It's never too late to have a happy childhood. -- Anonymous
No more yearning, no more crying, just jump on and explode! -- Aya
She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot. -- Mark Twain
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It came in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. -- Steven Wright
When one find's oneself in a hole of one's own making, it is a good time to examine the quality of the workmanship. -- John Renmerde
If someone betrays you once it is their fault, if someone betrays you twice it is your fault. -- Elenor Roosevelt
Here am I, dying of a hundred good symptoms. -- Alexander Pope
"I'd feel a lot better if there weren't M&M's in my ear." -- Anthony
Most modern calendars mar the sweet simplicity of our lives by reminding us that each day that passes is the anniversary of some perfectly uninteresting event. -- Oscar Wilde
Drew's Law of Highway Biology: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.
The honest poor can sometimes forget poverty. The honest rich can never forget it. -- G. K. Chesterton
A great fortune in the hands of a fool is a great misfortune. -- Anonymous
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. -- Douglas Adams
"This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation." -- Anonymous
A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow, sleep late. -- Henny Youngman
One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________somebody has to buy retail." -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Common Jewish Expressions"
If people knew how hard I had to work to gain my mastery, it wouldn't seem wonderful at all. -- Michelangelo
Be wiser than other people, if you can, but do not tell them so. -- Lord Chesterfield
Remember how much fun you had shooting spitwads at the teacher in seventh grade? Imagine applying that kind of attitude to actually fucking with Mitsubishi! -- Jello Biafra
Oh, sweet sorrow, the time you borrow, will you be here when i wake up tomorrow? -- Katherine Wolf
"Who was that baseball player that died of Lou Gehrig's disease?" -- my friend Lilly B. on the way to the beach.
There is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large -- Woody haroldson play it to the bone
A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. "What do you mean?" responded her mother. "Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another." -- Anonymous
"That's the problem with tradition, it's always dated." -- Curt George Siffert
"Thud. Thud. Thud. Splat." -- Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, _Good Omens_
There isn't any formula or method. You learn to love by loving. -- Aldous Huxley
"I have never found, in a long experience of politics, that criticism is ever inhibited by ignorance." -- Harold Macmillan
The fact is always obvious much too late, but the most singular difference between happiness and joy is that happiness is a solid and joy a liquid. -- J.D. Salinger
"Equations are more important to me, because politics is for the present, but an equation is something for eternity." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
I am a intellectual. -- Molly
Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three categories-- those that don't work, those that break down, and those that get lost. -- Russell Baker
If I could whistle I'd whistle twice. -- Brent Suerdieck, after seeing a girl and realizing he couldn't whistle.
"A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular." -- Adlai Stevenson
Everything is vague to a degree you do not realize till you have tried to make it precise! -- Betrand Russell
"I've always said, when in doubt, punch a hole in yourself." -- Gene, discussing a friend with new nose and eyebrow rings.
The artist alone sees spirits. But after he has told of their appearing to him, everybody sees them. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
One time I went into a General Store and they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. -- Steven Wright
"HELO. My $name is sendmail.cf. You filled my spooldir. Prepare to VRFY." -- Phil Homewood
It's a good thing to have all the props pulled out from under us occasionally. It gives us some sense of what is rock under our feet, and what is sand. -- Madeleine L'Engle
Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten. -- B.F. Skinner
"Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving words in evidence of the fact." -- George Elliot
The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook. -- William James
Your fortune stateth: Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. -- Bill Murray
A man with one watch knows what time it is.
Wherever a man comes, there comes revolution. The old is for slaves. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk." -- Thomas Edison
However mean your life is, meet it and live it; do not shun it and call it hard names. -- Henry David Thoreau, "Walden"
The painting has a life of its own. -- Jackson Pollock
We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. -- Joseph Campbell
Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives. -- Anonymous
Colleges are places where pebbles are polished and diamonds are dimmed. -- Robert G. Ingersoll, (seen attributed to "R.S. Ingersoll" - a typo?)
I don't know why I love San Diego so much. Maybe because it's not LA. I love LA too, but in a different way. -- Roze
"Medicine makes people ill, mathematics make them sad, and theology makes them sinful." -- Martin Luther
Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
"Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read." -- Frank Zappa
Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
"Oui!" -- Elizabeth, after being asked what day it was in French class.
Every child is born a genius. -- R. Buckminster Fuller
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
Every mile is two in winter. -- George Herbert
You must have a room, or a certain hour or so a day, where you don't know what was in the newspapers that morning... a place where you can simply experience and bring forth what you are and what you might be. -- Joseph Campbell
Hey Mah! Whats for dinner? Go up your nose and pick a winner! -- Bizmarke
Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master. -- Emo Philips
"The Christian resolution to find the world ugly and bad has made the world ugly and bad." -- Friedrick Nietzsche
There are few things as precious as our emotions, and those so ignorant to play with them are at a complete loss of any good you might have to offer. -- Anonymous
Don't you feel sorry for Baby Spice? I mean, someday she's going to have grandchildren and they're all going to call her Baby! -- Jennifer R., breaking an awkward silence
"It's interesting to live when you are angry." -- Yevgeny Yevtushenko
Like a piece of ice on a hot stove, a poem must ride on its own melting. A poem may be worked over once it is in being but may not be worried into being. -- R. Frost, Preface, "Collected Poems"
"Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that continues to this day." -- Wayne Shannon
"If your professor wrote it, it's as near to the truth as you ever need to get." -- John Watson, University of Canterbury
Your fortune stateth: You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
"I don't believe in psychology. I believe in good moves." -- Bobby Fischer
The advantage of a classical education is that it enables you to despise the wealth which it prevents you from achieving. -- Russell Green
Its hard to find the light when your born in the dark -- Emile Zola
"How come all the cute guys live in the TV and won't come out?" -- Melissa
"Splendid couple - slept with both of them." -- Maurice Bowra - British academic - referring to a well-known literary couple
Ring around the collar.
"Everyone keeps looking at my scars. All the men say 'Oooh...' and all the women say 'Ewwwww!"' -- Jen after hand surgery
"A man in love is incomplete until he has married, then he is finished." -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis." -- Jack Handy
"The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but hold hands." -- Alexander Penney
I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat. -- Michael McShane
The only way to go from the bottom is up, right? [pause] Well, I suppose it's possible to lay there for a while face down in a puddle of your own vomit. *sigh* Oh, never mind. -- Kate, trying her best to cheer up a friend.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring. -- Chuck Palahniuk, "Invisible Monsters"
"Machines take me by surprise with great frequency." -- Alan Turing
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. -- Dave Barry
Rule of Defactualization: Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was making the world believe that he didn't exist. -- Kevin Spacey "The Usual Suspects"
Happiness is inward, and not outward; and so, it does not depend on what we have, but on what we are. -- Henry Van Dyke
"Cream rises to the top. So does fat." -- Kelvin Throop III
MARIA! STOP SHOUTING AT ME! AND TRY TO BE A LITTLE MORE SOPHISTICATED IN PUBLIC! -- my father, unsophisticatedly, in public.
"Patriotism is an arbitrary veneration of real estate above principles." -- George Jean Nathan
I perhaps owe having become a painter to flowers. -- Claude Monet
When you laugh, be sure to laugh at what people do and not at what people are. -- Anonymous
Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases. -- Anonymous
The problem with the world is that everyone is one drink behind. -- Humphrey Bogart
Your fortune stateth: Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal to my brake light. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and i'm gone! -- Steven Wright
"Next week your lesson will go into more detail about how USENET differs from reality, even if you aren't able to tell the difference." -- Brian Reid
Famous last words:
Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
Cheese on Tuesdays... Every day is Cheese Day! -- Midge
"If you can show me a man who can turn a washing machine into a bullet, then he's a better man than I am." -- Alex, upon being told that manufacturers were using metal from washing machines to make bullets during the Civil War.
At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet. -- Plato
Drawing is deception. -- Maurits Cornelius Escher
Ryan: "How old are you... I mean...." Julie: (interrupting) "79." Ryan- (amazed) "Wow, you look great!" -- Julie misunderstanding the question.
"In my music, I'm trying to play the truth of what I am. The reason it's difficult is because I'm changing all the time." -- Charles Mingus
"If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, even if they don't know what it means." -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world? -- Richard Nixon
"It's Hong Kong action. Anything you know about physics is just going to hold you back." -- Robin D. Laws
Once a person has all the things they need to live, everything else is entertainment. -- Neal Stephenson In
A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain edible nutriments.
If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.
"If you eat rhubarb alone you'll die." -- Jen
Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly. -- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D."
"I have Scary Spice hair!" -- Ellie
If we accept that there is neither a heaven or a hell, we renounce the idea of any power beyond the perception of science we then must accept responsibility for all we do in this life for there will be no form of atonement afterwards. -- Dominic Webb
We are going pistachio nuts. -- Anne
"You're so vain, you probably think this song is about to engulf your planet!"
"Without music life would be a mistake." -- Friedrich Nietzsche
"Something in this lab smells terrifying." -- Ellie
"Colonies do not cease to be colonies because they are independent." -- Benjamin Disraeli
Things need not have happened to be true. Tales and dreams are the shadow-truths that will endure when mere facts are dust and ashes, and forgot. -- Neil Gaiman, Sandman
"My mind is not in the gutter. My mind comes up to the gutter to feed." -- Catherine
You can't say civilization isn't advancing: in every war they kill you in a new way. -- Will Rogers
"Cream soda's cream soda, a**hole! Making red doesn't help!" -- Bill, a passionate cream soda-hater after being coaxed into trying a "red" version.
The last thing I want is for giant-booger-boy here to ruin my night. -- Amber
Ricky: "Did you have fun [in London]? How did you understand what they were saying?" Matt: "Uh, Ricky, they speak *English* in London." Ricky: "Oh."
"The right to revolt has sources deep in our history." -- Supreme Court Justice William Orville Douglas
"I'm not upside-down writer hand." -- Jen N. What she meant to say was, "I can't write upside-down."
Our minds are finite, and yet even in these circumstances of finitude we are surrounded by possibilities that are infinite, and the purpose of life is to grasp as much as we can out of that infinitude. -- Alfred North Whitehead
"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me." -- Hunter S. Thompson
"Education is a weapon, whose effect depends on who holds it in his hands and at whom it is aimed." -- Joseph Stalin
Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime. -- Ernest Hemingway
You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
California, n.: From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." -- Ed Moran
"Where've I been? Um... here and there. There, mostly." -- Kaolin
It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost.
Your fortune stateth: Never commit yourself!  Let someone else commit you.
Conscience is the inner voice which warns us that someone may be looking. -- H. L. Mencken
Cheer up -- if the economy collapses completely, you won't owe your student loan to *anybody*.
Politician, n.: From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence "polytetien", a person of two or more faces. -- Martin Pitt
Do you have any mosquito bites you need ranch on? -- Jed
"I'm not a breast man. I'm a breast *person*." -- jwh
If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. -- Thomas Szasz
Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
I hear the sound that the machines make, and feel my heart break, just for a moment.
"The orgasm has replaced the Cross as the focus of longing and the image of fulfillment." -- Malcolm Muggeridge
"Deleted by French Censor" -- James Gordon Bennett - US Newspaper owner/editor - Used to fill empty space in his papers during WWI when news was lacking
RECOLLECT, v. To recall with additions something not previously known. -- Ambrose Bierce
Most people don't realize that two large pieces of coral painted brown and attached to the skull with common wood screws can make a child look like a deer. -- Jack Handey
Your fortune stateth: Try the Moo Shu Pork.  It is especially good today.
Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"? -- Hattie McDaniel
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month): Don't Write On Walls! (and underneath) You want I should type?
Concept, n.: Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than $25,000.
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others." -- Groucho Marx
Never regard study as a duty, but as the enviable opportunity to learn to know the liberating influence of beauty in the realm of the spirit for your own personal joy and to the profit of the community to which your later work belongs. -- Albert Einstein
Yeah, I knew it was a person, because silverware doesn't go: "DOH!" -- Dustin T. Miller
Whining is not only graceless, but can be dangerous. It can alert a brute that a victim is in the neighborhood. -- Maya Angelou, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings
Aaron: "That looks like hell" Dan: "You know, hell has a rugged beauty all its own."
Jess playing a game trying to describe a word that she doesn't know: Jess: Horses wear them!!!!! (The word was Girdle)
"Magic hat! All fall down!" -- Paul B., after dropping his hat
Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
Liar: One who tells an unpleasant truth. -- Anonymous
Knowledge comes, but wisdom lingers. -- Alfred, Lord Tennyson
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe." -- Dan Quayle
You know what I mean Austin, did you use a... condom? No, baby, only sailors use condoms! Not in the 90's Austin! Well they should those filthy beggars, they go from port to port... -- Agent Kensington And Ap
"Your problem isn't karma, Sheldon, it's attitude!" "Well, Lonnie, maybe it's attitudinal karma !" -- Anonymous
"Many, if not all, of my presidential opponents are certifiable idiots." -- Philippine presidential candidate Miriam Defensor Santiago
"An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do." -- Dylan Thomas
Nobody is ever met at the airport when beginning a new adventure. It's just not done. -- Elizabeth Warnock Fernea, "A View of the Nile"
Please take note:
"It sounded like he was sawing his oven in half with a chainsaw." -- Jen, about her upstairs neighbor
"Art is either plagiarism or revolution." -- Paul Guaguin
Laws of Serendipity: 1. In order to discover anything, you must be looking for something. 2. If you wish to make an improved product, you must already be engaged in making an inferior one.
"I never want to get what I want again!" -- Jen
Power, n: The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
Your fortune stateth: You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
Either that wallpaper goes, or I do. -- Oscar Wilde
"Now is the time for all good men to come to." -- Walt Kelly
What is the velocity your computer? -- Alex Naula, GC Physics major
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth. -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four"
Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. -- Charles McCabe
"It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar." -- Jerome K. Jerome
"You guys, my dress is DRUNK! Every time i take a drink, it gets so much shorter!!!" -- drunk psycho roommate
Tourists are terrorists with cameras. Terrorists are tourists with guns. -- Anonymous
It is some compensation for great evils that they enforce great lessons. -- John Christian Bovee
"Old age is the most unexpected of all the things that happen to a man." -- Leon Trotsky
Hey my friend it seems your eyes are troubled..care to share, your time with me would you say you're feeling low and so, a good idea would be to get it off your mind. -- Dmb
Let us love winter, for it is the spring of genius. -- Pietro Aretino
Now comes the mystery. -- Henry Ward Beecher, dying words, March 8, 1887
"Don't laugh. It really hurt." -- Rajesh (a.k.a. Big Nose), about when he accidentaly stuck his lips to an icicle in the freezer
Your fortune stateth: Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association.
There is no line between the 'real world' and 'world of myth and symbol.' Objects, sensations, hit with the impact of hallucination. -- William S. Burroughs
Research is the act of going up alleys to see if they are blind. -- Plutarch
Shannon: (after tasting something cooking on the stove) This tastes like ... like ... that sticky stuff on envelopes! Mom: Glue?
Your fortune stateth: Your lover will never wish to leave you.
While driving fast: Karen: We're going to make this light. Matthew (frightened): Um, no we're not. Karen: Oh. I was looking at the wrong light.
We're lookin' to start a new army...too smart to fight, too smart to die. We're looking to start a new army, too smart to fight, to smart to kill for you. -- Anti-Flag
"If a man is talking in the forest, and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?" -- Jenny Weber
The descent to Hades is the same from every place. -- Anaxagoras
To err is human. To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
"Have you ever noticed how people who wear camouflage gear really stand out in a crowd?" -- Peter Thomas
"The last time I took attendance and everyone was here, I had a heart attack and keeled over." -- Mr. Gmitter
"Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth." -- Alan Wilson Watts
He who laughs last thinks slowest. -- Seen on a bumper sticker
To suffering there is a limit; to fearing, none. -- Francis Bacon
"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." -- Janis Joplin
A penny saved is ridiculous.
The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right.
I have forced myself to contradict myself in order to avoid conforming to my own taste. -- Marcel Duchamp
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. -- Woody Allen
Your fortune stateth: While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and are making another attack.
"Will you chicken fry me a steak?" -- Dennis, to Tedi, in the company of several friends.
Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts. -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
If God didn't want us to masturbate, he would've given us shorter arms. -- Drew's sociology prof.
System/3! System/3! See how it runs! See how it runs! Its monitor loses so totally! It runs all its programs in RPG! It's made by our favorite monopoly! System/3!
A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. -- George Bernard Shaw
Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it. -- Anonymous
"Have you lived here all your life?" "Oh, twice that long."
I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence. -- Doug MacLeod
"If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law." -- Roy Santoro
"When I play with my cat, who knows if I am not more of a pastime to her than she is to me?" -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
You know what I saw in a magazine? A see through plastic inflatable armchair. I need one of those. I'd feel like I was clashing with it, and would need to take off my clothes to sit in it. -- Marty
I should have no objection to a repetition of the same life from its beginning, only asking the advantages authors have in a second edition to correct some faults of the first. -- Benjamin Franklin
"Rough work, iconoclasm, but the only way to get at truth." -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown-up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability... To be alive is to be vulnerable. -- Madeleine L'Engle
The difference between genius and insanity is whether or not people belive you. -- Chase McBride
"A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle." -- Gloria Steinem
We are all failures--at least, all the best of us are. -- J. M. Barrie
Paradoxically though it may seem, it is none the less true that life imitates art far more than art imitates life. -- Oscar Wilde
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
"Does it do zero to sixty?" -- Liz, inquiring about my brother's car.
Faith, n: That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue.
Your fortune stateth: You are magnetic in your bearing.
"Tyro, the spoon's got a mate now!" -- Rando, talking about a 3-foot long plush rainbow trout.
"The only thing that separates us from the animals is superstition and mindless rituals." -- Daniel Klein
A man's reach should exceed his grasp; else what's a heaven for? -- Robert Browning
"If I had a phaser, I'd be lighting my cigarette off of your flamin' ass!" -- Erica
"All Bobs must die!! ... Ok, ok, so I have an unhealthy obsession with death. So?" -- Daniel "Fluffy"
"You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax--tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough." -- Pearl Williams?
Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that's not why we do it. -- Richard Feynman
Man, there are a million fine girls in the world, but not all of them bring you lasagna at work. Most of them just cheat on you. -- Silent Bob
"You're so violent. You watch James Bond." -- Funcoland customer to her husband in protest to his wanting to buy a football game.
Old soldiers never die, they just fade away. -- General Douglas MacArthur
To reprove small faults within due vehemence, is as absurd as if a man should take a great hammer to kill a fly on his friend's forehead. -- Anonymous
Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either.
The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
I hate it when strange gourds try to undress you." -- Scott N., at a Halloween party when a pumpkin was hitting on him.
What makes photography a strange invention-- with unforeseeable consequences-- is that its primary raw materials are light and time. -- John Berger
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Parents are the bones upon which children sharpen their teeth. -- Peter Ustinov
"I tell you what, if I were a country, this song would be my National Anthem." -- Sprinkle
The course of true love never did run smooth -- William Shakespeare
Anyone, who truly wants to go to war, has never truly been there before! -- Larry Reeves
"All flesh is grass" -- Isiah Smoke a friend today.
You don't want to be humpin' the hostess. -- Professor, on why knights didn't have sex with married ladies.
When my daughter was about seven years old, she asked me one day what I did at work. I told her I worked at the college- that my job was to teach people how to draw. She stared back at me, incredulous, and said, "You mean they forget?" -- Howard Ikemoto
Lawyers are... operators of the toll bridge which anyone in search of justice must pass. -- Jane Bryant Quinn
It's sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew -- Henry Rollins
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone.... but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson
The only reason people get into accidents while driving drunk is because they don't practice it enough. -- Tina K.
Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad. -- W. C. Fields
"Any time we find a body in a trunk, we consider it extremely suspicious." -- Bill O'Rourke, Prior Lake (MN) Chief of Police
If God is One, what is bad? -- Charles Manson
"The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country..." -- Robert J Woodhead
"Practice does not make perfect; perfect practice makes perfect." -- Vince Lombardi
And I look again towards the sky as the raindrops mix with the tears I cry. -- Unknown
"Any idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out." -- Chekhov
AMAZING BUT TRUE ... If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
"The larger the island of knowledge, the longer the shoreline of wonder." -- Ralph W. Sockman
In order for the artist to have a world to express he must first be situated in this world, oppressed or oppressing, resigned or rebellious, a man among men. -- Simone de Beauvoir, "The Ethics of Ambiguity", ch. 1 (1948)
She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could have poured on a waffle ...
"Love isn't like a cold. You can't just get over it." -- JL Farley
Ellie (acting like a baby, age 8): "Waaaahhhhhhh!!!" Ellie's brother, age 5: "Dumb baby!" Store clerk: "Don't hurt the baby!" Ellie's brother: "It's not a baby, it's just my sister!"
"Shut up. I'm trying to emote!" -- John, refusing to be consoled after being stood up for the third time by the same girl.
LUMINARY, n. One who throws light upon a subject; as an editor by not writing about it. -- Ambrose Bierce
But scientists, who ought to know Assure us that it must be so. Oh, let us never, never doubt What nobody is sure about. -- Hilaire Belloc
"I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike." -- Emile Henry Gauvreay
Lieberman's Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Violence is not the answer. Hypocrisy is. -- Erin Santee
... if forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ... -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
"Friendship is present in all things but love" -- Much Ado About Nothing
There is more refreshment and stimulation in a nap, even of the briefest, than in all the alcohol ever distilled. -- Edward Lucas
I went into the woods for I wished to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life! To put to rout all that was not life, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. -- Henry David Thoreau
Birth, n.: The first and direst of all disasters. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
No one would choose a friendless existence on condition of having all the other things in the world. -- Aristotle
About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. -- Herbert Hoover
New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within.
IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership. -- Ambrose Bierce
"For most of history, Anonymous was a woman." -- Virginia Woolf
I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
"He'd never realized that, deep down inside, what he really wanted to do was make things go splat." -- Terry Pratchett, _Reaper Man_
"The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget is once." -- E. Joseph Cossman
"If you want me, you can find me, left of center, off of the strip." -- Suzanne Vega
May I never have sex with ANYONE. -- Alison
Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow. -- Swedish Proverb
"When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic." -- Steven Wright
"the command line is not a bug." -- John M. Flinchbaug
The same people wrote the bible that thought the world was flat. -- Unknown
Learning how to stand up is easy. Learning how to stand up after you've fallen down, that is tough. -- Dican
Your fortune stateth: Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
We know the truth, not only by the reason, but also by the heart. -- Blaise Pascal, Thoughts, Chap. x. 1., Translated by O. W. Wight
Beauty is the first test: there is no permanent place in this world for ugly mathematics. -- G. H. Hardy, "A Mathematician's Apology"
Faith is to believe in things that we do not see, and the reward of this faith is to see in what we believe. -- Unknown
"Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain of being a damned fool." -- Bellamy Brooks
Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
Nothing recedes like success. -- Walter Winchell
Winter nights were made for warm snuggles and warmer hearts. -- Anonymous
Patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel. -- Samuel Johnson
Proof by intimidation: Trivial.
The superfluous is very necessary. -- Voltaire
He who laughs last -- missed the punch line.
SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited. -- Ambrose Bierce
"It makes you look totally normal to everyone else, when in reality you are totally un-normal." -- Marla
(Sitting on the couch watching TV with my Mom....) Me: Mom, you know, I think I want a baby..." (Mom's mouth just drops opens as she looks at me.) Me: Chimp! A baby chimp! I just forgot to say the word."
"If you look like your passport photo, you're too sick to travel." -- Will Kommen
Punks not dead...it just sucks now -- Some T-Shirt
Fuck it. Let's do it. -- Australian Proverb
"Imitation is the sincerest form of television." -- Fred Allen
I feel Manly! Manly Men! -- Brenna and Melissa, who were both male characters in the school play.
Where the beer is brewed life is good; where the beer is drunk life is even better!! -- Sarah Lewis
"Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored." -- George Saunders, dying words
In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!" -- The Kidner Report
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
Brook's Law: Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
"I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating" -- Boss Tweed
When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half loop?
"Not only do I not know what's going on, but I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did." -- Heather
To be or not to be isn't the question. The question is how to prolong being. -- Tom Robbins
These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
"Beer. Helping ugly people have sex since 1862." -- -Some T-Shirt
"I would have made a good Pope. " -- Richard Nixon, U.S. President
"They're not intrepid, they're blue." -- Megan
It destroys one's nerves to be amiable everyday to the same human being. -- Benjamin Disraeli
I'm yet another resource-consuming kid in an overpopulated planet, raised to an alarming extent by Hollywood and Madison Avenue, poised with my cynical and alienated peers to take over the world when you're old and weak. -- Calvin
The deepest sin against the human mind is to believe things without evidence. Science is simply common sense at its best -- that is, rigidly accurate in observation, and merciless to fallacy in logic. -- Thomas Huxley
"You can't expect a boy to be vicious until he has been to a good school." -- H. H. Munro (Saki)
[Missy opens the stall door and proceeds to enter....] Concerned Bystander: "Those toilets don't flush, you know." Missy: "Then I'm not coming out."
Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. -- Sigmund Freud
If someone killed me I would stay alive just to bother them. -- Aviry
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
Marching to a different kettle of fish.
"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?" "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" "I've never done anything illegal before." "I thought you said you were an accountant!"
Our battered suitcases were piled on the sidewalk again; we had longer ways to go. But no matter, the road is life. -- Jack Kerouac
Weinberg's Principle: An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
I am not young enough to know everything. -- Oscar Wilde
With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke. -- Anonymous
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving."
You can never do too much drawing. -- Tintoretto
"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!" "These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!" "These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP out of MEGATON MAN!"
Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with?
Every day I send overnight packages filled with rabid weasels to people who use frames for no good reason. -- -- The Usenet Oracle, Oracularity #1017-1
I am pork boy, the breakfast monkey. -- All That
LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law. -- Ambrose Bierce
If you're ever in doubt, throw a pepper in the air. If it fails to come down, you have gone mad, so don't trust in anything. -- Gregory Maguire, "Mirror Mirror"
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for SEGA. -- Brodie, Mallrats
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert!
Most people do not really want freedom, because freedom involves responsibility, and most people are frightened of responsibility. -- Sigmund Freud
"When a true genius appears in the world you may know him by this sign: that all the dunces are in confederacy against him." -- Jonathan Swift
Your fortune stateth: You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
Teachers who offer you the ultimate answers do not possess the ultimate answers, for if they did, they would know that the ultimate answers cannot be given, they can only be received. -- Tom Robbins
Man has himself as his only friend and his only enemy. -- Indian Proverb
"The Second Law of Thermodynamics: If you think things are in a mess now, just wait!" -- Jim Warner
"It's quite blue, the blue." -- Jeppe, about a great blue painting.
Jill: Crackers don't fly. Deborah: I know, but I thought I'd try. -- After an attempt to toss a package of Saltines rather than walk over to Jill and give them to her.
"If I wanted advice, I wouldn't be standing in a toilet now, would I? -- Doug
Her: You're never satisfied, are you? Me: Well, sometimes I am. You want to know when I'm most satisfied? Her: NO! Me: I am most satisfied when there is a good movie on t.v., and I have my own bag of chips. [pause] Her: You really need a girlfriend.
"Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do." -- Bertrand Russell
With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. -- Ransom K. Ferm
Your fortune stateth: You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
There is no more sombre enemy of good art than the pram in the hall -- Cyril Connolly
Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
"You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little pot belly and a bald spot." -- Elayne Boosler
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
And on the seventh day, god stepped back and said "There is my creation, perfect in every way... oh, dammit I left pot all over the place. Now they'll think I want them to smoke it... Now I have to create republicans." -- Bill Hicks
PENITENT, adj. Undergoing or awaiting punishment. -- Ambrose Bierce
We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean. -- Carl Sagan
"This isn't like the video games -- if you crash you don't get an extra life." -- Valerie, sitting in the passenger seat, commenting on my driving.
Everything bows to success, even grammar.
"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
"No, really, who is Sean Connery? Does he go to our school?" -- Tammy, after having too much Surge.
Kilroe hic erat!
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Osborn's Law: Variables won't; constants aren't.
Jenkinson's Law: It won't work.
People are the only animals who eat themselves to death. -- Anonymous
The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow.
"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night." -- Edgar Allen Poe
"Psst... What state is New Jersey in?" -- Overheard during a geography quiz.
"I want to be a Ninja." -- Kate during a long period of silence on one drunken Friday night.
Jon: "So, do you think you would ask her out?" Aaron: "Yeah.... Uh huh.... Maybe.... Well, probably not.... No."
Time gnaws and wears away; it separates; it flies -- Jean-Paul Sartre, "Being and Nothingness"
"What does education often do? It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook." -- Henry David Thoreau
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
Two boys arrived yesterday with a pebble they said was the head of a dog until I pointed out that it was really a typewriter. -- Pablo Picasso
If God dwells inside us like some people say....I sure hope he likes enchiladas, cuz thats what he's getting. -- Jack Handey
How can you govern a country which has 246 varieties of cheese? -- Charles De Gaulle, "Les Mots du General"
"I must decline your invitation owing to a subsequent engagement." -- Oscar Wilde
They give birth astride of a grave. The light gleams an instant, then it's night once more. -- Samuel Becket, "Waiting for Godot"
"Barq's bites." -- Jen's mom
A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance. Kites rise against the wind, not with it.
"When I was 12, I used to think I was a genius and nobody had noticed. If there such a thing as a genius, I am one, and if there isn't, then I don't care. -- John Lennon
There's nothing on top but a bucket and a mop and an illustrated book about birds. You'll see a lot up there but don't be scared. Who needs actions when you got words? -- The Meat Puppets
"What is youth except a man or a woman before it is ready or fit to be seen?" -- Evelyn Waugh
A Good artist has less time than ideas. -- Martin Kippenberger
Fairy Tale, n.: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
Voice of youth?! They're still wearing flared trousers! -- Rick
Turn the other cheek. -- Jesus Christ
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
"I just saw My Best Friend's Funeral." -- major Freudian slip after fight with my ex-best friend.
"Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible." -- Frank Moore Colby
Jen: "This sucks. Not THIS, but 'this'. The greater THIS, not this specific 'this'." Julie: "The inner 'this'." Jen: "Right, the inner 'this'." -- Jen, trying to explain that it was LIFE that sucks, not the specific hike they were on
"The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people." -- G. K. Chesterton
"The shortest distance between two points is always under construction." -- Noelie Alite
"When women kiss it always reminds on of prize fighters shaking hands." -- H. L. Mencken, "Sententiae"
Jess: That sign says 100% stoned beef .... Jes: Like ... (acting stoned) ... Moo? (the sign said ground beef, but we're both blind ...)
"The extreme always seems to make an impression." -- _Heathers_
Your fortune stateth: This life is yours.  Some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself.
In a dorm at UW: Paul: "Let's go on a doughnut run." Greg: "OK, where do you want to go?" Jen: "How about Canada?" Greg: "Is there a doughnut store there?"
It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one damn thing over and over. -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
"We've officially named the cat. Her name is 'Bad Kitty! No!', but we call her by her middle name." -- Jen
Santa Claus is watching!
There is no course of life so weak and sottish as that which is managed by order, method, and discipline. -- Michel de Montaigne
Look out! Behind you!
The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does. -- Anonymous
"There is a difference between art and life and that difference is readability." -- Marian Engel
The longer you look at an object, the more abstract it becomes, and, ironically, the more real. -- Lucian Freud
Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.
"So what you're saying is, you can't spit on people?" -- Ali
Every major horror of history was committed in the name of an altruistic motive. -- Ayn Rand
As drunk as a glass of empty water. -- Matthew (not the Matthew of Q'R'U fame) while trying very hard to describe to somone how drunk he was.
"Epperson's law: When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at."
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world? -- Richard M. Nixon
"I hate to see things done by halves. If it be right, do it boldly; if it be wrong, leave it undone." -- Bernard Gilpin
Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles. -- Sven Italla
"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac." -- George Carlin
The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time. -- Merrick Furst
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." -- Albert Einstein
"You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone." -- Al Capone
"In the factory we make cosmetics. In the store we sell hope." -- Charles Revson - Business tycoon
Cashier: "Have a good day" Loretta: "If I don"t--it's my own fault."
They'll beam it out of our bowels. -- Mark, in reference to a future time when toilets are no longer necessary.
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. -- Anatole France
"CRAZY RUNNING FEMALE!!!!!!" -- Tara, while running down a hill.
"He's pinching me! He's a woman!" -- Ryan Mitcha-waza-kowski
Kim : Is he cute? Iain: Sorta.. Kim : Sorta? Iain: Yeah, sorta. It's like "kinda", but not really.
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong. -- H. L. Mencken
"A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems." -- P. Erdos
The Roman Rule The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.
Mr. Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.
"It's a good thing that when you accidently call your own house, from your house, that you get a busy signal. If it started ringing then you would be talking to yourself when you answered, and that would be weird." -- Mathew
"It ain't broke, it just lacks duct tape." - Jim and Tim - the Duct Tape Guys
Fear less, hope more; eat less, chew more; whine less, breathe more; talk less, say more; hate less, love more; and all good things are yours. -- Swedish Proverb
To see you is to sympathize.
When one is trying to do something beyond his known powers it is useless to seek the approval of friends. Friends are at their best in moments of defeat. -- Henry Miller
"No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman." -- Honore de Balzac
Allen (after telling a dirty joke): "Ha, ha, ha!" Mrs. Spray: "Allen! That was very inappropriate." Niki: "Yeah, Allen. If you're going to say something about a penis, at least make it funny."
"You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day." -- Ambrose Bierce
"It's the type of person you are...it's somewhere between admirable and frightening."
Fourth Law of Applied Terror: The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course.
There's an atom bomb in front of the refrigerator. -- Vyvyan
Most people are bothered by those passages in Scripture which they cannot understand; but as for me, I always notice that the passages in Scripture which trouble me most are those which I do understand. -- Mark Twain
"Confusion is a word we have invented for an order which is not understood." -- Henry Miller
Love makes the time pass. Time makes love pass. -- French Proverb
"Plaese porrf raed." -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
"It doesn't count unless they fall down." -- Michele, after bumping a pedestrian on the streets of Daytona Beach during Spring Break.
Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide," or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought." -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ.
"Eel Man was eevil, like the frooits of the deevil. And he shocked both my parents to a crispy death. So I was forced to become Raccoon Boy!" -- Jason R., making up a radio play during a cross country workout.
Punk was just a way to sell trousers. -- malcom Mclaren
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. -- Albert Einstein
"Conscience is the inner voice which warns us that someone may be looking" -- H. L. Mencken
So, do you mind if I cut your apple? -- K.T., trying to sound really sexy at lunch time.
God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. -- Alfred Jarry
"No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American People." -- H.L. Mencken
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. -- Mae West (1892-1980)
The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks Which practically conceal its sex. I think it clever of the turtle In such a fix to be so fertile. -- Ogden Nash
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. -- Anonymous
"Who is this Jesus Price person everybody is singing about?" -- Casey Bartow-McKenney at age 3, listening to Christmas carols.
And you can form with the best of intention. Change comes from inside. And after all thats' what this country was founded on, do nothing different just fall in line. -- Sr71
Better be alone than in bad company -- Thomas Fuller
The more clearly we can focus our attention on the wonders and realities of the universe about us,the less taste we shall have for destruction. -- Rachel Carson, "Silent Spring"
Let him who would enjoy a good future waste none of his present. -- Roger Babson
I will show you fear in a handful of dust. -- T.S. Eliot
The first question I ask myself when something doesn't seem to be beautiful is why do I think it's not beautiful. And very shortly you discover that there is no reason. -- John Cage
The only reason it's (ed: Cocaine) illegal is because some southern politicians, a long time ago, convinced congress it made black people lust for white flesh and unafraid pf bullets. -- Abbie Hoffman
Your fortune stateth: You're working under a slight handicap.  You happen to be human.
People can travel faster than sound, yes, but not nearly so fast as rumor! -- Anonymous
When things go well, expect something to explode, erode, collapse or just disappear.
Work is the refuge of people who have nothing better to do. -- Oscar Wilde
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old; they grow old because they quit playing." -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
Worst Month of the Year: February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. -- Steve Rubenstein
I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
"If I were a midget, I bet I'd be the tallest one!" -- Jill
Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting. -- Karl Wallenda
"You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove." -- Timothy Leary
Bob M.: Quiet, you freak check. Andy Z.: What? That doesn't make any sense. Bob M.: Sure it does. There can be such a thing as a freak check. Andy Z: Yeah, but you can't *be* a freak check!
Some of the worlds greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible. -- Anonymous
"Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it." -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
White does not exist in nature. -- Renoir
We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same. -- Anne Frank
To love another person is to see the face of God. -- Lyric from Les Miserables
It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.
Ed: Mrphaa grrh mwah tagwa Matt: What did you say? I don't think that's English. Ed: No, I was speaking 'Spoon'. -- Ed, while eating.
A love affair with knowledge will never end in heartbreak. -- Michael Garrett Marino
"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country." -- Steven Wright
Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart. -- Marcus Aurelius
"Thus, we need an equitable distribution of wealth." -- The Conclusion of all Logic in our US History course.
He who can take no interest in what is small will take false interest in what is great. -- John Ruskin
My boyfriend couldn't come to the kegger tonight. He had to do Linux programming. Hell yes, I would like a beer. In fact, I NEED a beer. -- Justin'S Girlfriend
"It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more." -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
"That sucks -- he's my ride home!" -- Joe, upon seeing his friend break an ankle during a basketball game.
If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.
"Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..." -- "The Begatting of a President"
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy." -- Bob Hope
Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe we should think only about today. Charlie Brown: No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get better.
Every program has two purposes -- written and another for which it wasn't.
13-hour roadtrip, 5 am: Me: Uhhh... you're in the middle of the road. David: (matter-of-factly) I know. 2 hours later: Me: You're driving off the road. David: (matter-of-factly again) I know that. (Maybe you just had to be there. Or be very tired.)
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered.
I was sleeping peacefully, talking to Rando. -- Cher
"The only nice thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others." -- Doug Larson
An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
Grandma gave me a present after graduating from medical school. Grandma: Congratulations! Me: Toilet paper? Grandma: So you remember you still have to wipe your ass like everybody else. (I still keep the roll.)
Today we did what we had to do. They counted on America to be passive. They counted wrong. -- Ronald Reagan
"What is it? Twigs and rocks or something?" -- Helmut, the student from Germany, when asked if he wanted some trail mix
A work is perfectly finished only when nothing can be added to it and nothing taken away -- Joseph Joubert
"A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education." -- George Bernard Shaw
There's no such thing as a free lunch. -- Milton Friendman
Nobody ever called Pablo Picasso an asshole -- Jonathan Richman
"Um, flammable?" -- Annie Minninger in Phys. World, answering the question "What's another term for a non-conductive material?"
For man, autumn is a time of harvest, of gathering together. For nature, it is a time of sowing, of scattering abroad. -- Edwin Way Tea
When you've spent half your political life dealing with humdrum issues like the environment... it's exciting to have a real crisis on your hands. -- Margaret Thatcher, on the Falklands Conflict
If you have it [love], you don't need to have anything else, and if you don't have it, it doesn't matter much what else you have. -- Sir James M. Barrie
"If you open that Pandora's Box you never know what Trojan 'orses will jump out." -- Ernest Bevin - British trade-union leader - referring to the Council of Europe
"Pizza! Pizza!" [Response when a history teacher asked "What was the motto of ancient Roman males?"] -- Tyler
O God, thy sea is so great, and my boat is so small. -- Anonymous
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
If El Nino is getting blamed for everything and club soda can fix everything, why don't we use club soda on El Nino? -- Sabrina trying to solve the world's problems
It is good to be without vices, but it is not good to be without temptations. -- Walter Bagehot, "Biographical Studies"
... we kiss. And it feels like we have just shrugged of the world. -- Jim Shahin
Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it. -- George Bernard Shaw
"'Home, sweet home' must surely have been written by a bachelor." -- Samuel Butler
As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free variable."
I have had the opportunity to accomplish a great many things in life, but my education consistently gets in the way. -- Chris R.
"The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit." -- W. Somerset Maugham
The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time. -- George Bernard Shaw
"Boy, if someone followed me around with a quote book they'd get a lot of good ones from me!" --Ellie, commenting on how a lot of the quotes on her Quote List were things she said herself.
Few are those who can see with their own eyes and hear with their own hearts. -- Albert Einstein
"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house." -- George Carlin
"Two billion years is a long time for a PhD Thesis." -- Astronomy Prof Balbus
"Talents are best nurtured in solitude; character is best formed in the stormy billows of the world." -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it. -- Clarence Darrow
What I tell you three times is true.
Mathematics transfigures the fortuitous concourse of atoms into the tracery of the finger of God. -- Herbert Westren Turnbull
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining. -- Jeff Raskin
Unethical or Unethics? Maybe it is unethics! -- Jin Chul Kim
Why serial commas are important: "I dedicate this book to my parents, Ayn Rand and God."
Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"
"Simple pleasures are the last refuge of the complex." -- Oscar Wilde
"Hey Frankie, you gonna give me your class ring?" "uhhhh, I'm afraid I can't do that Annette" "Well, why not?" "Because I don't have any arms....AHHHHHHH!" -- Dead Milkmen
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
"The secret of being miserable is to have the leisure to bother about whether you are happy or not. The cure is occupation." -- George Bernard Shaw
A good laugh is sunshine in a house. -- Anonymous
To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best night and day to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle any human being can fight and never stop fighting. -- e.e. cummings
"There are only two places in this world: over here and over there." -- Lorin
You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word. -- Bumper Sticker
"Oh, my gosh! You did NOT just call some guy 'Goat Boy!"' -- Abigail Salak, on a comment made about a man with mutton chops.
Each religion, by the help of more or less myth which it takes more or less seriously, proposes some method of fortifying the human soul and enabline it to make its peace with its destiny. -- George Santayana
"We lost 12 pounds of meat to spoilage?!" -- Curt A.
Your fortune stateth: You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
I've learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances. -- Martha Washington
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock. -- Wynn Catlin, also attributed to Will Rogers
It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing.
An undefined problem has an infinite number of solutions. -- Robert A. Humphrey
Love is what happens to men and women who don't know each other. -- W. Somerset Maugham
More is to be got from one teacher than from two books. -- German proverb
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
OK, so he's a cross-dressing bull. Is that a problem? -- Alana defending her stuffed cow Mortimer, after a friend pointing out that there are no male cows; then they'd be bulls
Love is an attempt to change a piece of the dream-world into reality. -- Theodor Reik
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. -- Eric Hoffer
With some people solitariness is an escape not from others but from themselves. For they see in the eyes of others only a reflection of themselves. -- Eric Hoffer
You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. -- Al Capone [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.]
I've never been on this road before! -- Becky, on the return trip from the mall
Work is the curse of the drinking classes -- Ocar Wilde
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--- -- John B. Sedgwick, general, dying words, 1864
"Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that God is a cruel and capricious tyrant." -- Edward Gibbon
It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
Win98 is just like a higher quality heroin.. it's still not good for us. -- Capone
Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each day as it comes. -- Donald Kaul
Your fortune stateth: You will never know hunger.
A pessimist is one who feels bad when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better. -- Anonymous
Cocaine magnifies your personality. Yeah but what if your an asshole -- Bill Cosby, "Himself"
"My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists." -- Jean Rostand
What color oranges do you have? -- Kathy
"You'll never have a quiet world till you knock the patriotism out of the human race." -- George Bernard Shaw
Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence. -- Henrik Tikkanen
"We should just not have prom at all and skip the foreplay" -- Jacob, discussing where to have prom.
For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
Antonym, n.: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
"Almost all our faults are more pardonable than the methods we resort to to hide them." -- Francois de La Rochefoucald
Wondrous is this great, blue ship that sails around the mighty sun and joy to everyone that rides along. -- Anonymous
Hey, man... what are we doing??? Oh... We're breakin' it down.... -- Less Than Jake
"Yes, I'll go to formal with you." --Cherie Penner, before being asked.
Forest fires cause Smokey Bears.
I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free -- Michelangelo
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. -- Paul Beatty
"The superfluous is very necessay." -Voltaire
Under capitalism man exploits man; under socialism the reverse is true. -- Polish proverb
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. -- Anonymous
Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds. -- Homer
If it was so, it might be; and it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic. -- Lewis Carrol
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. "Which road do I take?" she asked. "Where do you want to go?" was his response. "I don't know," Alice answered. "Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter." -- Lewis Carroll
"I think if I ever got really drunk I would just get more withdrawn, and why is that pleasant in a social situation?" -- Jess R.
An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. -- A. P. Herbert
The worst thing in the world is to try to sleep and not to. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald
La solitude est une belle chose; mais il faut quelqu'un pour vous dire que la solitude est une belle chose. -- Balzac
"One person CAN change the world, but most of the time, you probably shouldn't." -- Marge Simpson
"It's lonely in here." -- Mr. Xylophone 
Your fortune stateth: You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
Set the cart before the horse. -- John Heywood
"A behaviorist is someone who pulls habits out of rats." -- Anonymous
Life is not a support system for art. It is the other way around. -- Stephen King
An administration, like a machine, does not create. It carries on. -- Saint-Exupery
Nich: You know, every time you supress a sneeze, it kills 200,000 brain cells. Matt: Hey. You just made that up, just now. Nich: Yeah you're right.
As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand. -- Josh Billings
Your fortune stateth: You have an unusual magnetic personality.  Don't walk too close to metal objects which are not fastened down.
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
Prejudice is the child of ignorance. -- William Hazlitt
"Small earthquake in Chile. Not many dead." -- Claude Cockburn- put forward as an example of a dull newspaper headline
"Question everything. Learn something. Answer nothing." -- Engineer's Motto
"So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes..." -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
Your fortune stateth: You're almost as happy as you think you are.
It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? -- Elizabeth Carpenter
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
"Democracy is the art of running the circus from the monkey cage." -- H. L. Mencken
We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds; our planet is the mental institution of the universe. -- Johann von Goethe
Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it. -- Anonymous
Howe's Law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
"Both of you three stand up!" -- Mr. Tanzeem, a very angry Math teacher at Karachi Grammar School
"The system crashed. On my foot." -- Our sysadmin, after having an accident while moving a server from one room to another.
"To believe is very dull. To doubt is intensely engrossing. To be on the alert is to live, to be lulled into security is to die." -- Oscar Wilde
"I never resist temptation, because I have found that things that are bad for me do not tempt me." -- George Bernard Shaw
The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
"Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other." -- John Adams
All technology should be assumed guilty until proven innocent. -- David Brower
A committee is a group of the unwilling, chosen from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. -- Anonymous
Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the spaces between the notes and curl my back to loneliness. -- Maya Angelou
Any excuse will serve a tyrant. -- Aesop
There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the time when we were happy. -- Dante
Our children's children will hear a good story. -- Anonymous
CONSULT, v.i. To seek another's disapproval of a course already decided on. -- Ambrose Bierce
"I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house." -- Lewis Grizzard
Hurewitz's Memory Principle: The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to ..... to ........ uh ..............
"He who will not reason is a bigot; he who cannot is a fool; and he who dares not, is a slave." -- William Drummond
"I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck." -- Rob Pike, commenting on The X Window System
"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood." -- Alexander Haig
Not everything which is bad comes to hurt us. -- Italian Proverb
"You have to be deviant if you're going to do anything new." -- David Lee
"There are two kinds of people in this world; those who think there are two kinds of people and those who are smart enough to know better" -- Tom Robbins, "Still Life with Woodpecker"
"They gave me a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits." -- Joe Early - Congressman - at a press conference to answer questions about the Houes Bank scandal
Me: "Gross! My coat's covered with snot!" Missy: "And slobber. Mine too."
There is hope in honest error - none in the icy perfections of the stylist. -- Charles Rennie Mackintosh
"Poor soul - very sad; her late husband, you know, a very sad death - eaten by missionaries - poor soul." -- William Archibald Spooner - Oxford clergyman and academic
Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
Close the door....were you raised in a barn? Eh, you probably were raised in a barn like all the other primatives around here -- A O D
"I think I'm really an advanced alien and this world is my 6th grade science experiment." -- Curt
During French class: Mr. Muto: What are "cuisses de grenouille"? Andy Z.: They're not grilled cheese. ("Cuisses de grenouille" are frogs' legs.)
Nonviolence is the greatest force at the disposal of mankind. It is mightier than the mightiest weapon of destruction devised by the ingenuity of man. -- Gandhi
I hate cameras. They are so much more sure than I am about everything. -- John Steinbeck
When the heart speaks, however simple the words, its lanuage is always acceptable to those who have hearts. -- Mary Baker Eddy
A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. -- O'Henry
"He is now rising from affluence to poverty." -- Mark Twain
Courage is the price that Life exacts for granting peace. -- Amelia Earhart, "Courage"
"He is one of those peple who would be enormously improved by death." -- H. H. Munro
"Everybody loves liquor!" -- Mr. Kuzma, a high school history teacher "Yes, I am an alcoholic." --Same Mr. Kuzma during class a year later.
Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile.
Politics have no relation to morals. -- Niccolo Machiavelli
Tell me who's your friend and I'll tell you who you are. -- Russian Proverb
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff." -- Steven Wright
It is the business of little minds to shrink. -- Carl Sandburg
We're not totally stupid. We're a little fucked up. We're pretty hard. We're kinda sweet. We're dark. We're beautiful. That's enough for anyone I suppose -- Black Francis
It is through... Art and Art only that we can shield ourselves from the sordid perils of actual existence. -- Oscar Wilde
Music is the effort we make to explain to ourselves how our brains work. We listen to Bach transfixed because this is listening to a human mind. -- Lewis Thomas
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money -- Jack Handey
There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish. -- Walt Disney
Rome's just a city like anywhere else. A vastly overrated city, I'd say. It trades on belief just as Stratford trades on Shakespeare. -- Anthony Burgess
Save the bales!
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. -- James Branch Cabell, "The Silver Stallion"
Me: His name is Chance, as in "Give me a chance." Dad: More like, "Chance, as in, You don't have a chance."
"Everything is still the same. It's just a little different now." -- Michelle, during a visit to our old high school
"Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, especially if the goods are worthless." -- Sinclair Lewis
"Go to your bathroom.....er.....uhm.....bedroom!" -- My very angry stuttering father
"I move for no chair." -- Justin
Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
"I don't want to have lungs! That's cool!" -- Julie J's reply to Jen N's comment that ants don't have lungs.
Becky: How can you drink cherry coke? It's like cherry-flavored tar! Alana: Have you ever tried real cherry-flavored tar? Becky: Well, no... Alana: Then don't stereotype it. Maybe it's really good.
Trees have wood. -- Brian after his first beer
Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work.
Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees.
"The progress toward totalitarianism arose, and keeps arising, because of society's refusal to be shit." -- Kathy Acker
Bug: Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls.
The most i can do for my friend is simply to be his friend. -- Thoreau
Well thaaaaaaat's okay.
I don't feel good. -- Luther Burbank, dying words
A good name, like good will, is attained by many actions and may be lost by one. -- Anonymous
The difference between a brave man and a coward is a coward thinks twice before jumping in the cage with a lion. The brave man doesn't know what a lion is. He just thinks he does. -- Charles Bukowski, "Notes of a Dirty Old Man"
PRAY, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. -- Ambrose Bierce
Ehrman's Commentary: 1. Things will get worse before they get better. 2. Who said things would get better?
Hating people is like burning down your house to kill a rat -- Henry Fosdick
"How can you use my intestines as a gift?" -- Subtitle from a Japanese movie
They had a dispute about a night out with the boys. But he finally decided to let her go. -- Anonymous
Lackland's Laws: 1. Never be first. 2. Never be last. 3. Never volunteer for anything
Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it. -- Max Frisch
"Imagine meeting your maker and finding out it's Frito Lay." -- Josh, drunk and inspecting a potato chip bag.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure? -- Harry Shearer
"If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank." -- Woody Allen
"I'm going to shoot you with turkey! Eight rounds of turkey from my pellet gun!" -- Ellie's Brother
"Flying octopuses are dropping canned ravioli on the roof." -- David, about the rain.
The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn. -- David Russell
"I know why I got voted vice-president. It was my irresistable buns of steel." -- C.J. Johnson
Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. -- Ogden Nash
Your fortune stateth: You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
Only the little people pay taxes. -- Leona Helmsley, hotel owner and prison inmate, 1989
"Strange to say what delight we married people have to see these poor fools decoyed into our condition." -- Samuel Pepys - English diarist
The best reason I can think of for not running for President of the United States is that you have to shave twice a day. -- Adlai Stevenson
Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object.
What's another word for "Thesaurus?" -- Steven Wright
The fetal position doesn't normally include having a man between your legs. -- Karen
Hatred comes from the heart; contempt from the head; & neither feeling is quite within our control. -- Arthur Schoperhauer
We can do no great things; only small things with great love. -- Mother Teresa
Truthful, adj.: Dumb and illiterate.
If God lived on earth, people would break his windows. -- Jewish Proverb
T leven is geen krijmkar he -- Belgian proverb
"Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
"Put on your seat belt. I wanna try something." -- Shay, to the guy at the DMV on his *first* attempt at getting a driver's license.
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. -- Abraham Lincoln
Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Not lifting weights doesn't kill me. Therefore not lifting weights makes me stronger. -- Jack Handey
The most expensive wedding usually ends with the quickest divorce. -- Anonymous
It is very simple to play as fool! You don't have to prove nothing. -- Catalin Sorescu
"Do you think someday there will be a race of mutant cows that will turn us into ground beef?" -- Michelle Zalas, while eating burgers.
They talk of my drinking but never my thirst -- Scottish Proverb
"Star and Core together are Car." -- Astronomy Prof Balbus
"Pairs will not get together with other pairs.... unless they're in a commune or something." -- Prof. Blanton
Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already paid may disregard this fortune).
Am I the only one who gets really excited by that sign on the Pennsylvania turnpike that reads 'Caution: Wet Descending Curves'? -- Paul
Sponges grow at the bottom of the ocean... that kills me. Just think how much deeper it would be if they weren't there. -- Steven Wright
Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries
I learned long ago that being Lewis Carrol was infinitely more exciting than being Alice. -- Joyce Carol Oates
"Short words are best and the old words when short are best of all." -- Winston Churchill
"There is no law that vulgarity and literary excellence cannot coexist." -- A. Trevor Hodge
User n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena. -- Jon Stewart
"Hello bus? What time do you leave?" -- Margaret, calling the bus depot.
You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions. -- Naguib Mahfouz
Your fortune stateth: Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.  Don't believe a thing he tells you.
"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
Your fortune stateth: You will contract a rare disease.
Your fortune stateth: You may be recognized soon.  Hide.
If a thing is worth doing, it's worth doing slow. -- Milton Garrison
Fashion is a kind of vitamin for style. -- Yves Saint Laurent
What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
Painting is very easy when you don't know how, but very difficult when you do. -- Edgar Degas
English is very squishy. -- Steve Hanson
"Oh, they said 'Russians'! I thought they said 'martians'!" -- Jen, after hearing on the news about Russians who stole some cattle.
Your fortune stateth: Fine day for friends. So-so day for you.
A man's house is his hassle.
Money can't buy happiness, but it does quiet the nerves. -- Anonymous
"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self." -- Cyril Connolly
"Frink" might mean "Gee, I really want a Twinkie", or, "Get the hell out of my tree". -- Peter trying to eplain why Two-toed sloths make a noise similar to "frink".
Your fortune stateth: $3,000,000.
You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt. -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
"In America you can always find a party. In Russia the party always finds you." -- Yakov Smirnoff
"Life at the top is financially rewarding, spiritually draining, physically exhausting, and short." -- Peter C. Newman
Better to get up late and be wide awake than to get up early and be asleep all day. -- Anonymous
One Page Principle: A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper cannot be understood. -- Mark Ardis
May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels.
Your fortune stateth: Someone is speaking well of you.
All art is an individual's expression of a culture. Cultures differ, so art looks different. -- Henry Glassie
Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.
It suddenly struck me that that tiny pea, pretty and blue, was the Earth. I put up my thumb and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth. I didn't feel like a giant. I felt very, very small. -- Neil Armstrong
Your fortune stateth: You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
Try not to suck any dick on the way out of the parking lot! -- Dante
"It's generally easier to lie to you first, then go back and fix it. Like, on the test." -- Astronomy Prof Balbus
"The belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary; men alone are quite capable of every wickedness." -- Joseph Conrad
"Culture is the arts elevated to a set of beliefs." -- Tom Wolfe
You guys are flopping around like dead fish! -- Craig, the Asst. Band Director
There are three types of people in this world: Those who can count, and those who can't. -- Seen on a bumper sticker
Living in the past has one thing in its favor - it's cheaper. -- Anonymous
"The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exaulted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ... neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water."
THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES The one who has the gold makes the rules.
"There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an opinion." -- Anatole France
Grelb's Reminder: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. -- Henny Youngman
Dip me in chocolate and throw me to the lesbians. -- A t-shirt
"Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children; life is the other way around." -- David Lodge - British author
"She sleeps alone at last." -- Robert Banchley - Suggested epitaph for an actress
Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
The death of democracy is not likely to be an assassination from ambush. It will be a slow extinction from apathy, indifference, and undernourishment. -- Robert Hutchins, Great Books, 1954
I remember Francis Bacon would say that he felt he was giving art what he thought it previously lacked. With me, it's what Yeats called the fascination with what's difficult. I'm only trying to do what I can't do. -- Lucian Freud
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. -- Bertrand Russell
"A critic is a gong at a railroad crossing clanging loudly and vainly as the train goes by." -- Christopher Morley
DISOBEY, v.t. To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity of a command. -- Ambrose Bierce
Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head.
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
Your fortune stateth: Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
"You know, there's three essentials to life: money, bacon, and sex. And you know what? I've only got one out of three.
"There is nothing permanent except change." -- Heraclitus
May the twinkle in your eye never be due to the fact that it is glass! -- Kelli Girl
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
I went to a museum, and it had all the heads and arms of the statues that were in all the other museums. -- Steven Wright
"Two mother's-in-law." -- Lord John Russell - when asked what he would consider a proper punishment for bigamy 
Language is a virus. -- William S. Burroughs
"The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one." -- Anonymous
Style that shows is only decorating, not style. -- Sidney Lument
"Our love is God. Let's go grab a slushie" -- J .D., _Heathers_
Time is the most valuable thing one can spend. -- Theophrastus
Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. -- H. H. Williams
"I believe I was a salmon in a past life" -- Wyl R. Stenburg
Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies. -- Friedrich Nietzsche
Your fortune stateth: Time to be aggressive.  Go after a tattooed Virgo.
Your fortune stateth: Give your very best today.  Heaven knows it's little enough.
"True friendship is never serene." -- Marie de Rabutin-Chantal
Love is like a violin. The music may stop now and then, but the strings remain forever. -- Anonymous
Why don't you write books people can read? -- Nora Joyce, To Her Husband James (1882-1941)
Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places. -- Anonymous
Man is the only animal that laughs and has a state legislature. -- Samuel Butler
Free from desire, you realize the mystery. Caught in desire, you see only the manifestations. -- Lao Tzu
"There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse." -- Wuentin Crisp
If a cop pulls you over for speeding and comes over and askes you how fast you were going, a good thing to say is 'I dunno, i was speeding the whole time.' -- Jack Handey
"There are three types of people in this world: Those who can count, and those who can't." -- Seen on a bumper sticker
For fools rush in where angels fear to tread. -- Alexander Pope
"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it." -- C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia
The torment of human frustration, whatever its immediate cause, is the knowledge that the self is in prison, its vital force and 'mangled mind' leaking away in lonely, wasteful self-conflict. -- Elizabeth Drew
"I'm like my cat. If there's someone talking within earshot, I just assume they're talking to me." -- Jen, to a co-worker who was talking to himself.
Your fortune stateth: Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
Belief in the supernatural reflects a failure of the imagination. -- Edward Abbey
"Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them." -- Joseph Heller
The race isn't always to the swift, but if I'm putting my money down. That's how I'm going to bet -- Jeff Warren
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"I am a fan of automation // And I never carry cash." -- Engines of Aggression
Disorder increases with time because we measure time in the direction in which disorder increases. -- Stephen Hawking
"When it rains, it snows." -- Danielle, bless her heart.
"If you don't know who you are by now, you have no business trying to dominate Europe." -- Eric McColm
"If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error." -- John Kenneth Galbraith
Niet geschoten altijd mis -- Dutch Proverb
Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
Why yes -- a bulletproof vest. -- James Rodges, Murderer, On His Final Request Before The Firing Squad
"Either that wallpaper goes, or I do." -- Oscar Wilde - on deathbed in a drab French room
The price of self-destiny is never cheap, and in certain situations it is unthinkable. But to achieve the marvelous, it is precisely the unthinkable that must be thought. -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
Ed: What time is it? Val: Ten. Ed: O'Clock?
God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.
"Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter." -- Anonymous
"The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting." -- T.H. White
A couch is as good as a chair.
"Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not cockroaches!" -- Mom
Love is a matter of chemistry, but Sex is a matter of physics. -- Anonymous
"If we lose this war, I'll just start another in my wife's name." -- Moshe Dayan - Israeli General
Art consists of limitation. The most beautiful part of every picture is the frame. -- G. K. Chesterton
Melodrama coming from you is about as normal as a bowel movement -- Randal
"Oh, my god, that's freaky! All the guys on here just asked me to dance! Wow, I'm like, popular!" -- Margot, my sister, in a chat room.
"Would you rather have twenty dollars or twenty dollars and fifty cents?" "I would rather have twenty dollars, because you don't have change. Plus you could have a ten, a five, and four ones." -- Nate
PREDICAMENT, n. The wage of consistency. -- Ambrose Bierce
Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction. -- Antoine de Saint, Exupery
I didn't expect her to counter my plan with nakedness. -- Riff (Of Pete Abrams' Sluggy Freelance)
Life is raw material. We are artisans. We can sculpt our existence into something beautiful, or debase it into ugliness. It's in our hands. -- Cathy Better
"Love is much like a wild rose, beautiful and calm, but willing to draw blood in its defense." -- Mark A. Overby
A guy walks into a bar. Ouch! -- Ryan/Jenni
I have learned that what I have not drawn I have never really seen, and that when I start drawing an ordinary thing, I realize how extraordinary it is, sheer miracle. -- Frederick Franck, " The Zen of Seeing"
How many slums will we bulldoze to build the Information superhighway? The Information Superhighway is just a fucking metaphor! Give me a break! -- Neal Stephenson, "Cryptonomicon"
"My foot hurt. I didn't want to walk down the stairs." -- David after running, leaping, jumping down a flight of stairs, shaking the whole museum.
"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!" -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue. -- Alfieri
Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?" -- Steven Wright
Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. -- H.H. Williams
The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange protein -- it rejects it. -- P. Medawar
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
Once, adv.: Enough. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead. -- Egyptian Book of the Dead
It may help to understand human affairs to be clear that most of the great triumphs and tragedies of history are caused, not by people being fundamentally good or fundamentally evil, but by people being fundamentally people. -- Terry Pratchett
Wind is to fire like distance is to love; it extinguishes the small and enflames the great. -- Anonymous
Is it that they fear the pain of death or could it be they fear the joy of life? -- Toad The Wet Sprocket - Pray Your Gods
ADMONITION, n. Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe. Friendly warning. -- Ambrose Bierce
Do you have lysdexia?
Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car. -- Evan Davis
Where fear is present, wisdom cannot be. -- Lactantius
It is important that students bring a certain ragamuffin, barefoot, irreverence to their studies; they are not here to worship what is known, but to question it. -- J. Bronowski, The Ascent of Man
I have been attacked by Rush Limbaugh on the air, an experience somewhat akin to being gummed by a newt. It doesn't actually hurt, but it leaves you with slimy stuff on your ankle. -- Molly Ivins
He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
"... all the modern inconveniences ..." -- Mark Twain
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.
"Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one." -- Malcolm S. Forbes
"You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks." -- Robin Williams
Someone once said that dancers work just as hard as policeman, always alert, always tense, but see, policeman don't have to be beautiful at the same time. -- George Balanchine
In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty. -- Thomas Jefferson
Middle age is that period of time between the last time you're carded for alcohol and the first time you're carded for your seniors discount. -- Phil Wallace, upon using his AARP card for the first time.
"I wish we could live life like a musical." -- Bonnie Chan, spontaneously during Calculus class.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while, i was a suspect. -- Steven Wright
"Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering" -- C. G. Jung - Psychologist
"Don't say yes until I finish talking." -- Darryl F. Zanuck
I wish I was a queer, so I could get chics. Chics dig guys that are queer, guys that dont like chics. Chics that don't dig guys like me. See I'm not a queer, I'm too ugly. -- Bloodhound Gang
"It would be lopsided at best and afflicted at worst." -- Steve describing what would happen if he had to draw a Valentine's heart by hand.
"I'm sorry, but we don't make appointments at this desk. However, there's a pay phone right over there, if you would like to call and schedule one." -- clinic secretary
"I'm almost completely certain bologna sandwiches don't go 'crunch.'" -- Karen Pelto
If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves.
"To avoid delay, please have all your symptoms ready." -- Anonymous - Notice in an English doctor's waiting room.
"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat." -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
Sometimes all you have is nonsense to deal with and your anger with which to do so. -- Zaffel
You never know what good will come from petting a dog. -- Alana P., after being asked to baby-sit for the owners of a dog she stopped to play with
"Oops. Sorry. Landmine. They're indiscriminate, you know." -- Ann Quarles
You know, sometimes I think it would be fun to bring a gun and shoot everyone who walks up that hill during our class.... See? I would've killed two people by now! -- Brandy, during our extremely mind-scrambling calculus class.
A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with. -- Tenessee Williams
There is no fool to the old fool. -- John Heywood
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. -- Clarence Darrow
What you don't know won't help you much either. -- D. Bennett
It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
This doesn't smell like dirt! It smells like my Grover book! -- Jake, after inhaling one of Crayola's new scented crayons.
"When all else fails, look cute." -- Jim Davis, "Garfield" comic
"The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M." -- Charles Pierce
Canada Bill Jone's Motto: It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. Supplement: A .44 magnum beats four aces.
"What's the difference between a Dice Clay concert and a Klan rally? Nothing. Trick question." -- Bob Goldthwait
"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. " -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
Katie (age 7): Does Daddy believe in God? Laura: Yes, he does. Why? Katie: 'Cause he's talking to him right now. (Katie's father was swearing at the sky in the backyard.)
"Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law. Love is the law, love under will." -- Aleister Crowley
Your fortune stateth: Your domestic life may be harmonious.
"Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops." -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
"Death seems to be something which occurs in every culture." -- Becky
Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
"There is a rabid chinchilla gnawing at my ankle." -- Kate the Grate
What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing to compare it with.
Well, of course David Copperfield is better looking than you.... But I like you better.... Well, actually... I don't know him very well... -- Karen's mom, to Karen's dad
Your fortune stateth: You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
"A book should serve as an axe to the ice inside us." -- Franz Kafka
I hold that gentleman to be the best-dressed whose dress no one observes. -- Anthony Trollope
"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge."
Your fortune stateth: You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
To see only what is there is to be as blind as the night. -- Annalyn Joie Tran
Am I not talking right? -- Bob Trahon (the boss)
The sun shines for everyone; the shade is for those who deserve it. -- Zalic
I Like food, food tastes good. Juicy burgers, greasy fries, turkey legs and raw fish eyes. Teenage girl with ketchup too. Out of my way or i'll eat you! I'm gonna turn dining back into eating! -- The Descendents
"I'm debating whether ketchup would make this coffee taste better." -- Jen, upon being caught staring at a ketchup packet in one hand and her coffee cup in the other.
FLPOOY DRIVE -- A label on an Intel Pentium Motherboard (Say it out loud a couple of times: "Flpooy! Flpooy!")
It's a miracle! I got my balance! -- Heather, when she learned to ride a two wheeler.
It's too friggin' hot to play football. -- John Manansala
"Hey, I have shirt exactly like that, only it's completely different." -- JMUer
Look, it's my misery that I have to paint this kind of painting, it's your misery that you have to love it, and the price of the misery is thirteen hundred and fifty dollars. -- Mark Rothko
... in Egypt there were such excellent makers of statues that they had brought some statue to the perfect proportions it was found to be animated with an angelic spirit: for such perfection could not be without a soul. -- Giulio Camillo
Rubber bands have snappy endings!
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
Your fortune stateth: Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why. -- Hunter S. Thompson
Love changes, a thug changes, and best friends become strangers..... -- Nas
BE ALOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.)
The thing about discipline, is not doing a small number of significantly large things well, it is doing a large number of totally insignificant things that nobody else sees, everytime without compromise. -- Herb Elliot
Mankind is at its best when it is most free. This will be clear if we grasp the principle of liberty. We must recall that the basic principle of liberty is freedom of choice, which saying many have on their lips but few in their minds. -- Dante Alighieri
There must be something about art... almost all cultures have done art. Its a refining of the senses, which are there to keep us alive. As far as we know, no other animals do that. -- Roy Lichtenstein
"My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big sattelite photo of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here"." -- Steven Wright
I love the smell of Napalm in the morning -- Apocalypse Now
"Alma: I rather suspect her of being in love with him. Martin: Her own husband? Monstrous! What a selfish woman!" -- Jennie Jerome Churchill - "His borrowed plumes"
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much." -- Jack Handey
Kleptomaniac, n.: A rich thief. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine! [From the fury of the norsemen deliver us, O Lord!] -- Medieval prayer
My heart you lifted, my eyes you dried, im sorry but i must say good-bye. i cried because my heart was broken, and its still stolen, im sorry because now i did the same to you, i hope you found someone whos true to you. -- L0l0
"Fame is proof that people are gullible." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. -- Sean O'Casey
I certainly had no feeling for harmony, and Schoenberg thought that that would make it impossible for me to write music. He said, 'You'll come to a wall you won't be able to get through.' So I said, 'I'll beat my head against that wall.' -- John Cage
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes. -- Steven Wright
Idiot, n.: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker." -- Woody Allen
Blasphemy is a victimless crime. -- Anonymous
You're yellow, you're gay, and nobody likes you. -- Amanda K.
It reminds me of my safari in Africa; somebody forgot the corkscrew and for days we had nothing to live on but food and water. -- W.C Fields
"It was better, he thought, to fail in attempting exquisite things than to succeed in the department of the utterly contemptible." -- Arthur Machen
Never promise more than you can perform. -- Publilius Syrus
A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison And had an affair with a Saracen. She was not oversexed, Or jealous or vexed, She just wanted to make a comparison.
Your fortune stateth: Chicken Little only has to be right once.
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. -- Matt Groening, Love is Hell
"Where's that flux capacitor when you need it? I just ran into my past self on here!" -- Ellie, on IRC after switching servers and running into herself.
Obstacles are those frightful things we see when we take our eyes off our goal. -- Henry Ford
Grock: (sarcastically) Jimi Hendrix is such great morning music. Cade: Could be worse. We could be listening to Gwar or Neil Diamond."
Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt? -- Socrates, dying words
Remembering is for those who have forgotten. -- Chinese proverb
I go away and come again each day, But thou shalt go away and ne'er return. -- Anonymous
Writers are liars my dear, surely you know that by now? -- Neil Gaiman, 'Sandman: Dream County'
Fats Loves Madelyn
"When I go to college, I want to be a party girl. I don't want to get drunk to where I don't know what I am doing, just enough to make me walk funny." -- Tiffany Heilbut, obviously clueless.
"Death is an acquired trait." -- Woody Allen
Chip: Give us a score for the Pitt-WVU game. McDonald's drive-Thru woman: I don't know. 10 to 20. Chip: That sounds good. Coincidentally, that's what my mom's doin' upstate right now.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. -- Olivier
Wouldn't it be SO cool to have Harrison Ford as your dad? I mean, it would suck because you would sweat your dad, but it would still be cool. -- Amanda
"It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them." -- Alfred Adler
Mere colour, unspoiled by meaning, and unallied with definite form, can speak to the soul in a thousand different ways. -- Oscar Wilde
The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I hope I don't get run over again.
I am a man: nothing human is alien to me. -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
"Men and women, women and men. It will never work." -- Erica Jong
It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. -- W.E. Hickson
Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.
Ray's Rule of Precision: Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
One must still have chaos in oneself to give birth to a dancing star. -- Nietzsche
Misquotation is -- Hesketh Pearson, "Common Misquotations"
"Beware of gassy roommates who are synchronized." -- written on D and TJ's dorm room door after a night of burritos.
You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
The course of true love never did run smooth. -- Shakespeare
"Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level." -- Quentin Crisp
Painting is an attempt to come to terms with life. There are as many solutions as there are human beings. -- George Tooker
I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. But I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe -- Jack Handey
God is a polythiest
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. -- Winston Churchill
"I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town." -- Michael Prichard
Fantasy is a necessary ingrediant in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope and that enables you to laugh at life's realities. -- Dr. Suess
Badness is only spoiled goodness. -- C.S Lewis, "The case for Christianity"
"Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it." -- George Bernard Shaw
"One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious." -- Chateaubriand
"Lawyers are the only persons in whom ignorance of the law is not punished." -- Jeremy Bentham
I don't want the cheese, I just want out of the trap. -- Spanish Proverb
"MMMMM Floorpie." -- Homer Simpson
You just like to say their name: "Atari Teenage Riot." -- Karen Keeler
Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some people have mediocrity thrust upon them. -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. -- Thomas Edison
Hard reality has a way of cramping your style. -- Daniel Dennett
I can put it down anytime I want. I'm telling you it doesn't control my life. I can turn off the CB and not turn it back on for days. -- Woman overheard talking to another in line at Stein Mart.
(A group discussion on how to get a love obsession interested in Gina:) Gina: "I could show up to his apartment naked and tell him that I'm cold." Karen: "He would just say, 'You want a sweater?'"
Your fortune stateth: You will feel hungry again in another hour.
And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye. -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer. -- Albert Einstein
"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
Beer, of course, is actually a depressant. But poor people will never stop hoping otherwise. -- Kurt Vonnegut
Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star. -- W. Clement Stone
RECOUNT, n. In American politics, another throw of the dice, accorded to the player against whom they are loaded. -- Ambrose Bierce
The intelligent man finds almost everything ridiculous, the sensible man hardly anything. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
Parkinson's Fifth Law: If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
There are three kinds of people - those who can count and those who can't. -- Yogi Berra
"Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks." -- Doug Larson
"Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about." -- Benjamin Whorf
"Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim." -- Bertrand Russell
"Writers aren't exactly people...they're a whole lot of people trying to be one person." -- F. Scott Fitzgerald
The happiest people don't worry too much about whether life is fair or not, they just get on with it. -- Andrew Matthews, "Happiness in a Nutshell"
One good thing about music is when it hits you, you feel no pain. So hit me with music, burtalize me with music. -- Bob Marley
There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair. -- Douglas Adams
Much of the social history of the Western world over the past three decades has involved replacing what worked with what sounded good. -- Thomas Sowel, "Is Reality Optional?"
Your fortune stateth: You are not dead yet.  But watch for further reports.
For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of our tasks; the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation. -- Rainer Maria Rilke
Jen: "That's so cool if that's a bat." Julie: "Let's go look!" Jen: "You go look at the bat. I'm going to have a drink." -- hiking at Little Si (It turned out to be bat-shaped moss.)
"If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you?" -- Garrison Keillor
"Common sense is genius dressed in its working clothes.' -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"On applause: They named it Ovation from the Latin _ovis_, a sheep." -- Plutarch
They deem him their worst enemy who tells them the truth. -- Plato
"Why would you eat an egg?" -- Mary, during the Super Bowl
An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. -- Dylan Thomas
If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the plantation and go home. -- Eugene P. Gallagher
"Hollywood is a place where they place you under contract instead of under observation." -- Walter Winchell
Time is like a drug. It kills you if you have too much of it. -- Terry Pratchet, "Small Gods"
Pound for pound,... the amoeba is the most vicious animal on Earth -- Anonymous
Not all who wander are lost. -- JRR Tolkien
"Never do inhalants while standing." -- Larry informing Jimmy about how he hurt his head.
"...Love is a smoke rais'd with the fume of sighs Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes. What is it else? A madness most discreet, a choking gall And a preserving sweet." -- William Shakespeare
Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
"When I get a little money, I buy books; and if any is left, I buy food and clothes." -- Desiderius Erasmus
Neither fire nor wind, birth nor death can erase our good deeds. -- Buddha
"That stuff could gag a maggot, but I'd still eat it if it had chocolate sauce on it." -- This other crazy bum
"Now if you send just a dollar or two, there's not a hell of a lot I can do for you. If you want to see heaven's door, make out a check for $500 or more. Send me your money!" -- Suicidal Tendencies
Your fortune stateth: Snow Day -- stay home.
Your fortune stateth: Chicken Little was right.
We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later.
Even brain-death is preferable to "The Price Is Right". -- "Uncle" Ben
Your fortune stateth: Be cautious in your daily affairs.
He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man. -- Dr. Johnson
It's not that I'm inflexible ... it's just that I'm extremely rigid -- Lt. Col Fred Strain, to a general
Genius is eternal patience. -- Michelangelo
"God help the man who won't marry until he finds a perfect woman, and God help him still more if he finds her." -- Benjamin Tillett
"First one out, shut the door." -- Jerry Boeckmann, Vianney teacher, while conducting a fire drill.
"There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators." -- Will Rogers
"Ooh! Fire truck!" -- My best friend and I, simultaneously, after several minutes of silence.
Your fortune stateth: Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
"Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor." -- Edgar R. Fiedler
"There are times when you have to choose between being a human and having good taste. " -- Bertolt Brecht
May you have warm words on a cold evening, a full mooon on a dark night, and a smooth road all the way to your door.
Your fortune stateth: Reply hazy, ask again later.
There are two kinds of people _ those who run and those who should! -- Unknown
If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I will write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always. I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you. -- Henry Rollins
Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary,1911"
Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
Each person was to himself one alone. One oneness, a unit in a society, but always afraid, always alone. If I should scream, if i should call for help, would anyone hear... would it even matter? -- Ray Bradbury, "Dandelion Wine"
Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker - Willy Wonka -- Sandra
Basic, n.: A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
"We've made great medical progress in the last generation. What used to be merely an itch is now an allergy." -- Anonymous
There is a fire just waiting for fuel. There is a fire just waiting for fuel. There is a fire just waiting for fuel. There is a fire just waiting for fuel. -- Ani Difranco
The coast was clear. -- Lope de Vega
"The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions." -- Maurice Chapelain
Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. -- Friedrich Nietzsche
There is always something new out of Africa. -- Gaius Plinius Secundus
"The advantage of emotions is that they lead us astray." -- Oscar Wilde
Hermaphadidic porn. Starlets with both organs. You should see the box, beautiful chicks with dicks that put mine to shame. -- Randal, "Clerks"
Your fortune stateth: It's a very *UN*lucky week in which to be took dead. -- Churchy La Femme
Romeo and Juliet ... and MaryBeth -- Angela, listing all the Shakespeare characters that she knows.
The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak. -- Hans Hofmann
Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming. -- J. P. McEvoy
There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said to be useful in protheththing lithtth.
"In my book, clothes shoud not be worn during sex and bathing. It just isn't... natural" -- Joe Ely Carrales, III
"I wonder if Mark E. Smith wakes up wondering who he can hate today" -- Jason Holliman
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. -- John Kenneth Galbraith
Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence" -- Time Bandits
"Let us? They make us" -- Tapish, when asked whether they let him have what he cooks in his hotel management class.
Preserve the old, but know the new.
Practice yourself what you preach. -- Titus Maccius Plautus
Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I can't remember. -- Italo Svevo
"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *can* you believe?!" -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
I never forget a pussy... cat -- Austin
A man is known by the company that keeps him on after retirement age. -- Anonymous
No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
"There are ghosts in my sinuses." -- Nikki
One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul, and yet no one ever comes to sit by it. -- Vincent van Gogh
Williams and Holland's Law: If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.
"I've heard rumors that you have been tackling hookers on the field." -- the president of my college, who doesn't know much about rugby.
"Dont tell me you wouldn't hate Grease even after hearing your Aunt practice 'Hopelessly Devoted to You' every day for five weeks straight." -- Jason Holliman
Truth must necessarily be stranger than fiction, for fiction is the creation of the human mind and therefore congenial to it. -- G. K. Chesterton
I may have touched it, but I never ate it. -- Mattboy
Guide to understanding a net.addict's day: Slow day: didn't have much to do, so spent three hours on usenet. Busy day: managed to work in three hours of usenet. Bad day: barely squeezed in three hours of usenet. -- Anonymous
Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
"I don't feel good." -- Luther Burbank, dying words
The only thing that can save the world is the reclaiming of the awareness of the world. That's what poetry does. -- Allen Ginsberg
"I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an idiot." -- George Bernard Shaw
Love one another as Jesus loves you. Try to show kindness in all that you do. Be gentle and loving in deed and in thought, For these are the things Jesus taught. -- Anonymous
[Matt & Aaron wait in the food court for Nate to work at the fry place] Matt & Aaron: Nate, can you hook us up with some fries and drinks? Nate, fry man: You two again? Don't you guys have lives?
Your fortune stateth: Your lucky color has faded.
"Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake?"
When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
Lying to ourselves is more deeply ingrained than lying to others. -- Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoyevsky
"Candles are good as long as you're not me and you don't fall asleep and your house burns down. -- Daniel Johns, Silverchair
Tyro: Yes. There are four condoms. Cher: You two can have sex with me two times each! Tyro: Sorry, I have respect for Rando. (pause) Rando: Two for me, none for you!
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools will be temporarily canceled.
"Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best." -- Woody Allen
Ever noticed that people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? -- Bill Hicks
It is better to be a happy chicken than a sick tiger -- Tiffany Gordon
"His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew..."
"I am convinced that He (God) does not play dice." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out the conservative adopts them. -- Mark Twain, "Notebook"
Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
Adult, n.: One old enough to know better.
Me: Excuse me, is this the road to Culver City? Farmer: It used to be.
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
Generations to come will find it difficult to believe that a man such as Gandhi ever walked the face of this earth. -- Albert Einstein
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -- Marion Barry, Mayor, Washington, D.C.
Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure. -- Milt Barber
"How good it is when wishing is done and fairy queens and all the things eat their eyeballs out!" -- Ellie's brother, altering a song from some movie
Your fortune stateth: Domestic happiness and faithful friends.
I saw what you did and I know who you are.
You cannot see the wood for the trees. -- John Heywood
"I'm so embarrassed I could jump off the Entire State Building" -- our secretary, after losing a phone call from a VIP
The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling. -- Paula Poundstone
"Next thing you know, it'll wake you up snorking, if you are Daddy" -- Ellie's mom, on Ellie's dad's snoring
There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.
It has all been very interesting. -- Lady Mary Wortley Montagu, - (1689 - 1762)
I cannot teach anybody anything, I can only make them think. -- Socrates
"F-R-A-G-I-L-E, huh, must be Italian." -- A Christmas Story
I don't know how much a pound weighs -- Liz P.
Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. -- George Saunders' dying words
All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas. -- Kingfish
In the souls of the people the grapes of wrath are filling and growing heavy, growing heavy for the vintage. -- John Steinbeck
Church is only society on earth that exists for the benefit of non-members. -- William Temple
It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools. -- Danny Vermin
"I prefer to think that God is not dead, just drunk" -- John Huston
My mom's not home. She had to take my brother to the hospital. My grandma dropped acid this morning, and she was really stressed out. She hijacked a busload full of... penguins. It's sort of a family crisis. Bye! -- John Cusack, "Better Off Dead"
Your fortune stateth: You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
Anyone who says that they can contemplate quantum mechanics without becoming dizzy has not understood the concept in the least. -- Niels Bohr
A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is not worth knowing.
"If I were a bathroom engineer, I would design my bathrooms so that the urinals wouldn't be in the immediate view of the passerby." -- Deborah
Wanna buy a duck?
As for the virtuous poor, one can pity them, of course, but one cannot possibly admire them. -- Oscar Wilde
"Leap year happened, and it threw me off a bit." -- Mer H.
What's best in music is not to be found in the notes." -- Gustav Mahler
A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway. -- Fr. Jerome Cummings
I hate quotations. Tell me what you know. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The limits of my language means the limits of my world. -- Ludwig Wittgenstein
"What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art." -- Augustus Saint-Gaudens
"I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats." -- Woody Allen, on the KKK
As I buy my winter's supply of Carmex and ask if she wants one: Her: We don't use petroleum products where I come from, they're too greasy. Me: Well, what do you use then? Her: Vaseline.
"Capital letters were always the best way of dealing with things you didn't have a good answer to." -- Douglas Adams
Jen: "My computer just DID something." Julie: "S***. It probably just wants my food."
Chris: "How DID you get those Jehovah's Witnesses to stop coming around all the time?" "Uncle" Ben: "I answered the door naked a couple of times."
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. -- Mae West
"I got nine megs of NOUNS!" -- Paul
Those who can't write, write manuals.
"'Who do you trust?' -- depends on what you've got to lose." -- mjr
A child's wisdom is also wisdom -- Jewish Proverb
"SROT" -- seen on a giant neon sign, in four foot tall letters outside an establishment featuring slot machines, in Tokyo, Japan, circa 1987.
A theory is something nobody believes, except the person who made it. An experiment is something everybody believes, except the person who made it. -- Albert Einstein, attributed
Vivien, Vivien, Vivien. Every time something blows up in this house its always bloody Vivien. -- Vivien
The big artist...keeps an eye on nature and steals her tools. -- Thomas Eakins
"I am the evil Anti-Garth!" -- Ellie, wearing the photo-negative version of Garth Brooks's outfit in the video for "The Red Strokes"
Only that thing is free which exists by the necessities of its own nature, and is determined in its actions by itself alone. -- Baruch Spinoza
"Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it." -- Maurice Chevalier
You can move the world with an idea, but you have to think of it first.
Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young. -- Russell Banks
On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: "This isn't right. This isn't even wrong." -- Wolfgang Pauli
Note to self: pasty-skinned programmers ought not stand in the Mojave desert for multiple hours -- John Carmack
DEBT, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave-driver. -- Ambrose Bierce
I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do was to go away.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.
Bipolar, adj.: Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, New York
Although gold dust is precious, when it gets in your eyes, it obstructs your vision. -- Hsi-Tang
I have Pledge all over my feet. Now all I have to do is walk on my furniture and it'll be dusted. -- Karen
Girls... that's the reason they have beer. -- Scott
Don't be such an electron! What are you for Halloween? I think I'll become a piece of graphite foil so I can deflect people left and right! -- a very stressed Lisa
Art may imitate life but life imitates tv -- Ani Difranco
Money can do anything. Why, it can help stamp out poverty. -- Some guy who has sold $9 million worth of knives.
Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, for these gave only life, those the art of living well. -- Aristotle
Every crowd has a stupid lining. -- Steve Miller
The fickleness of the women I love is only equalled by the infernal consistency of the women who love me. -- George Bernard Shaw
It is better to die on your feet than live on your knees. -- Emiliano Zapata
"If people turn to look at you on the street, you are not well dressed." -- Beau Brummel
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh
Your fortune stateth: You have many friends and very few living enemies.
Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's supposed to do. -- R. A. Heinlein
I'm recording our history now on the bedroom wall, and when we leave the landlord will come and paint over it all -- Ani Difranco
"If law school is so hard to get through... how come there are so many lawyers?" -- Calvin Trillin
Men freely believe that what they wish to desire. -- Julius Caesar
In every man there is something wherein I may learn of him, and in that I am his pupil. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Can't you read? The score demands _con amore_ and what are you doing? You are playing it like married men!" -- Antonio Toscanini - criticizing the Austrian orchestra during rehearsal
Tis not so deep as a well, nor wide as a church door, but mind you tis enough. Ask for me tomorrow and you shall find me a grave man. -- Shakespear
"Mathematics may humbly help in the market-place, but it also reaches to the stars." -- Herbert Westren Turnbull
"Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!"
Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art.
Eric: You know something Derrick? Derrick: What? Eric: People are less friendly when they're on fire.
"Women and cats will do as they please. Men and dogs had better get used to it." -- Robert Heinlein
What this country needs is a good 5 dollar plasma weapon.
The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper -- Thomas Jefferson
Better dead than mellow.
"Your grandma IS my psychic whore!" -- overheard in the hallway at school
Growth for the sake of growth is the ideology of the cancer cell. -- Edward Abbey
I would I were a weaver. -- Shakespeare
A grouch escapes so many little annoyances that it almost pays to be one. -- Kin Hubbard
"If at first you don't succeed, don't take any more stupid chances." -- Unknown
Ew! Meat! -- some girl's response to the slice of lunchmeat Ben put in her purse.
Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well. -- Josh Billings
"Success is the one unpardonable sin against one's fellows." -- Ambrose Bierce
Being weird isn't enough.
Your fortune stateth: What happened last night can happen again.
"The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert." -- David Letterman
"This was the ultimate form of ostentation among technology freaks -- to have a system so complete and sophisticated that nothing showed; no machines, no wires, no controls." -- Michael Swanwick, "Vacuum Flowers"
"Maybe I should get my sippy cup now." -- Mike Eide, taking offense to being called a boy
In the begining, there was nothing. God said, "Let there be light!" And there was light. There was still nothing, But you could see it a whole lot better -- Njkahn
If you break the system, then they know that the system break. -- Jin Chul Kim
Gray's Law of Programming: `n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as `n' tasks. Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: `n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `n' trivial tasks.
Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them. Others are so fast, they don't notice you.
I can see clearly, now that the brain is gone. -- My mother, Janice Feryanitz (also an operating room nurse in Colorado)
It is an infantile superstition of the human spirit that virginity would be thought a virtue and not the barrier that separates ignorance from knowledge -- Voltaire
There's your Karma ripe as peaches. -- Jack Kerouac
Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]: To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of error in an opponent. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"One cubic foot less of space and it would have constituted adultery." -- Robert Benchley - Describing an office shared with Dorothy Parker
I live in sin, to kill myself I live; no longer my life my own, but sin's; my good is given to me by heaven, my evil by myself, by my free will, of which I am deprived. -- Michelangelo
Your fortune stateth: A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
Whoever is happy will make others happy too. -- Anne Frank
"Uh, did you just purposely dis yourself?" -- Chad Munkres (a.k.a. Cheetah Chad), to Ryan (a.k.a. Buddy), who called himself an idiot.
Your fortune stateth: Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
One time i jumped of a tall building and managed to do a tripple back flip with a sumersalt and land on my feet. Then i saw to cats and one cat looked to the other and said "See thats how you do that" -- Steven Wright
Thank God there's a God. -- Sam
Only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go. -- T.S. Eliot
There is a certain satifaction in living a life in complete and total failure. -- Edward Abbey
Technique is only a vehicle. -- Callum Innes
"Channeling is just bad ventriloquism. You use another voice, but people can see your lips moving." -- Penn Jillette
As you wish. -- Westley, "The Princess Bride"
There is a battle that goes on between men and women. Many people call it love. -- Edvard Munch
Boss, n.: According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an ornamental stud."
Cocaine is God's way of telling you that you make too much money. -- Robin Williams
"it's only tuesday night.." "yeah so we can make up a name...you know so we can drink..." "Oh I got it..we will call it whiskey Tuesday.." "Works for me..lets booze.." -- Keill And Puck
"Short of running it through a blender, I don't think I could have killed it any faster." -- Jen, about a plant at work. (It was fine on Friday night but Monday morning it was crinkly and brown.)
"Those bad guys are going to get medieval on your heiney!" -- Ellie's brother, to Ellie, while she was playing Q-Bert.
"Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow."
"They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!"
I am living in a boring nation... I am living in a plastic nation. -- Sublime
"The Bible doesn't forbid suicide. It's Catholic directive, intended to slow down their loss of martyrs." -- Ellen Blackstone
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. " -- Seen on a bumper sticker
"When a Saint dies you can't eat pudding!" -- Sarah, feeling guilty for wanting a Jell-O cup the day Mother Theresa died.
In God we trust; all others must pay cash. -- Anonymous
"You have not converted a man because you have silenced him." -- John Morley
Glue... very powerful stuff. -- The Blues Brothers
-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escallation of a lucrative nature.
Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye. -- Anonymous
"NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he says is wrong. GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right." -- George Bernard Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems.
"I really wish you wouldn't mummify me yet" -- Jimmy
I do not see how it is possible for an intelligent human being to conclude that the Song of Solomon is the work of God, and that the tragedy of Lear was the work of an uninspired man. -- Robert Ingersoll
I swear, he's the greatest thing since sliced bread and swiss cheese. -- J. Aq.
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
"Pi keeps on going forever ... kind of like that bunny." -- Professor Chris Meidt
NOVEL, n. A short story padded. -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911
"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity." -- Albert Einstein
In fact, whatever exists in the universe, in essence, in appearance, in the imagination, the painter has first in his mind and then in his hands - it lies in his power to create them... -- Leonardo Da Vinci
A line is a dot that goes for a walk. -- Paul Klee
"I just figured out why this stuff tastes so good -- It doesn't have any ingredients that I can pronounce!" -- Eric Zipay
"I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling." -- Florence Henderson
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
"If we leave now we won't have to walk as far." -- Girl in crowd, near the end of a basketbal game.
"If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would you use?" -- Paul Harvey
"When I was little, my father traded me for a single grain of white rice, slathered in a half dallop of muushu sauce..." -- Upright Citizens Brigade
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. -- Oscar Wilde
"Put your hand down! I'm trying to teach!" -- Mrs. O'Brien, Geometry teacher.
Once, after finishing a picture, I thought I would stop for awhile, take a trip, do things--the next time I thought of this, I found five years had gone by. -- Willem De Kooning
Equal bytes for women.
It is the customary fate of new truths to begin as heresies and to end as superstitions. -- Aldous Huxley
Fighting for peace is like having sex for virginity. -- Anonymous
A person starts to live when he can live outside himself. -- Albert Einstein
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.
"It's spring! The daffodils are blooming! The wind is picking up! The bees are running into my picture window and leaving hairy smears! Ah, spring." -- in a letter to Julie from Jen, 1996.
There is safety in numbers. [Lat., Defendit numerus.] -- Anonymous
"Do I have to take the wrapper off before I put the pizza in the oven?" -- Susie, a newlywed, calling her big sister for advice on fixing dinner.
"Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face." -- Victor Hugo
I like it when people have sex with me. -- Sad, Sad Skater (Justin)
Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile, and finds in your presence that life is worth while. So when you're lonely remember it's true: somebody somewhere is thinking of you. -- Unknown
If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but outselves can free our minds. -- Bob Marley
If the French were really intelligent, they'd speak English. -- Wilfred Sheed
He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet.
We are what we pretend to be. -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
What is a friend? A single soul in two bodies. -- Aristole
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you. -- Jack Handey
Convey thy love to thy friend, as an arrow to mark, to stick there, not as a ball against the wall, to rebound back to thee. -- Francis Quarles
Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. -- Milton Friedman
"Age is of no importance, unless you are a cheese" -- Billie Burke
What! No star, and you are going out to sea? Marching, and you have no music? Traveling, and you have no book? What! No love, and you are going out to live? -- French Proverb
The multitude is always in the wrong. -- Wentworth Dillon, Earl of Roscommon, 1684
"I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed man." -- Oscar Wilde
Good Americans when they die go to Paris. -- Anonymous
"The rain has such a friendly sound to one who's six feet underground." -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
Kate: "If moths fly toward light, why don't they fly to the sun?" Robert: "They're nocturnal." Kate: "Why don't they fly to the moon, then?" Robert: "Go to sleep, Kate."
We make our friends; we make our enemies; but God makes our next door neighbour. -- G. K. Chesterton
Drugs are good, they make you do things that you know you not should. -- Nofx
Sometimes I suspect that we build our traps ourselves, then we back into them, pretending amazment the while. -- Neil Gaiman
For every problem, there exists a simple and elegant solution which is absolutely wrong. -- J. Wagoner, U.C.B. Mathematics
"...And here of course is the ever popular Arctic Ocean..." -- Mr. Caputo, pointing to the Pacific Ocean on a map.
Your fortune stateth: People are beginning to notice you.  Try dressing before you leave the house.
"One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette." -- Prof. Charles P. Issawi
I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. -- Winston Churchill
If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear -- George Orwell
"A conservative is a man who sits and thinks, mostly sits." -- Woodrow Wilson
If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
Your fortune stateth: You will be married within a year.
A computer terminal is not some clunky old television with a typewriter in front of it. It is an interface where the mind and body can connect with the universe and move bits of it about. -- Douglas Adams
This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't. -- Douglas Hofstadter
"#3530. That which does not appear to exist is to be regarded as if it did not exist." -- California Civil Code, "Maxims of Jurisprudence"
Karen: Well, everybody talks about me, of course, because I'm so cool. Matthew: I'm glad you're so humble. Karen: Hey, I'm *way* more humble than you!
Where am I going, and what am I doing in this handbasket?
I never knew anyone that skinny could have that much vomit in their system!! -- Lisa S.
Speaker: The award for best debate team goes to Eve and David! Larry: What the hell? They're giving them handcuffs? Ben: Sure, why not? Larry: Dave's a Mormon!
mishap -- A minor misfortune. People are not killed in mishaps. -- Associated Press Stylebook
As a general life rule, never drink anything that comes out of China. -- Paul
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
Melissa: "I thought you said he was one of those animal rights people that goes around flinging pizzas at people!" Ellie: "No, I said he was like in Multiplicity."
Degan: Yeah, I eat like a sparrow. Tomas: You mean, twice your own body weight a day? Wow.
To add insult to injury. -- Phaedrus
"I'd rather be rich than stupid." -- Jack Handy
"Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them." -- Bill Vaughan
When people go to work, they shouldn't have to leave their hearts at home. -- Betty Bender
"Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite." -- John Kenneth Galbraith
"Heaven is just like here, except they put on plays and stuff." -- Ron B., Boston College
Beyond a critical point within a finite space, freedom diminishes as numbers increase...the human question is not how many can possibly survive within the system, but what kind of existence is possible for those who do survive. -- Frank Herbert
In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques. -- Art Linkletter
"If you don't want to use the army, I should like to borrow it for a while. Yours Respectfully, A. Lincoln" -- Abraham Lincoln - letter to General George B. McClellan during the Civil War.
Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers.
The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says: Support your right to bare arms!
Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
See what will happen if you don't stop biting your fingernails? -- Will Rogers, to his niece on seeing the Venus de Milo
A writer doesn't die of heart failure, but of typographical errors. -- Isaac Bashevis Singer
At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head under the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
I thought YOU silenced the guard!
"Some people may think you're cute, Babe. But to me you're one very large baked potato!" -- Sylvester Stallone in Death Race 2000 -- Death Race 2000
Stay away from flying saucers today.
If you really want to upset your parents, and you are not brave enough to be gay, go into the arts! -- Kurt Vonnegut
What is perfection? It is when in a certain construction it cannot be done better, when form and content meet. -- Marcel Marceau
All change is a miracle to contemplate; but it is a miracle which is taking place every instant. -- Henry David Thoreau
You thought I was a little girl, you thought I was a little mouse, you thought you'd take me by surprise. Now I'm here burning down your house. -- Garbage
"The Earth is the cradle of human civilization, but one cannot live in the cradle forever." -- Konstantin Tsiolkovskii
"I'd rather drink vomit than eat at Hardee's." -- Amy Johnson's matter-of-fact contribution to a discussion on where to stop for lunch.
"Need a quick fire extinguisher? Take a guinea pig and squeeze it!" -- Megan
Your fortune stateth: Your supervisor is thinking about you.
It's a fine night to have an evening.
Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit. [Add little to little and there will be a big pile.] -- Ovid
"Pre-Raphaelite cultists rock my world." -- Kore
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
"No wonder nobody comes here--it's too crowded." -- Yogi Berra
If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking. -- Lyndon Baines Johnson
Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers: If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.
Silence is the only virtue you have left.
Well behaved women rarely make history. -- Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
Nobody is more dangerous than he who imagines himself pure in heart; for his purity, by definition, is unassailable. -- James Baldwin, Nobody Knows My Name, 1961
Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it. -- Anonymous
Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got a hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations. -- George Bernard Shaw
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3: Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.
If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed? -- Steven Wright
"Lordy, Lordy look who's twenty-three." -- Andy trying to be clever at a friend's birthday party.
I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive?
"Well, that's exciting in its own little way." -- Jess R.
Think of me as Chomsky with dick jokes. -- Bill Hicks
Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional manner ... sulking and nausea. -- Tom K. Ryan
We wish you a Hare Krishna We wish you a Hare Krishna We wish you a Hare Krishna And a Sun Myung Moon! -- Maxwell Smart
No brain, no headache! -- Jerry Ziehme
Jen: "I smell like garlic." Bri: "Maybe you're possessed by an evil spirit." Jen: "If all it does is smell like garlic, that's fine by me."
The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist. -- Aaron Machado
Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
Love is the great miracle cure. Loving ourselves works miracles in our lives. -- Louise Hay
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. -- Truman Capote
If you are a happy employee does that make you 'gruntled' ? -- Jack Handey
"External reality is sort of an affectation of the nervous system." -- Jaron Lanier
"Hi, I'd like a large pizza with no toppings, and hold the crust, please." -- Stephanie, calling Domino's
Hope, like faith, is nothing if it is not courageous; it is nothing if it is not ridiculous. -- Thornton Wilder
Hippies, hippies... they want to save the world but all they do is smoke pot and play frisbee! -- Eric Cartman, "Southpark"
"Human folly does not impede the turning of the stars." -- Tom Robbins, _Skinny Legs and All_
It's the thought, if any, that counts!
There is more to life than increasing its speed. -- Gandhi
"Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives." -- William Dement
ABDICATION, n. An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense of the high temperature of the throne. -- Ambrose Bierce
Your fortune stateth: You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
"He who limps is still walking." -- Stanislaw J. Lec
Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting a falsehood, isn't it? -- Anonymous
If the enemy within cannot kill us, then the enemy without can do us no harm -- African Proverb
"The last good thing to be written in C++ was the Pachelbel Canon." -- Jerry Olson
Q: Who was the first actress in the 1960's to pose nude? A: Marilyn Manson. -- M. Sheehan at a SchoolReach competition.
All's well that ends.
"The chief enemy of creativity is 'good' taste." -- Pablo Picasso
A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
In every man is a cry for self expression. He either expresses this by contributing to society's good, or if gagged, by pulling at the very fabrics that hold society together. -- Ugochukwu Urim
"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand." -- Homer Simpson
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn in no other way.
"Worlds may freeze and suns may perish, but there stirs something within us now that can never die again." -- H. G. Wells
"A teacher is one who makes himself progressively unnecessary." -- Thomas Carruthers
"Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others." -- Oscar Wilde
Mistrust first impulses; they are always right.
The dynamics that are required to make any relationship work: Just keep putting your love out there. -- Anonymous
Drink! Feck! Arse! Girls! -- Drunken Irish Man At A Rancid Show.
We have to face the fact that either all of us are going to die together or we are going to learn to live together and if we are to live together we have to talk. -- Eleanor Roosevelt
During American History class: Jeff B.: The Red Death is coming in April! (About 15 minutes later, loud music starts in the room next door.) Jeff: The Red Death is upon us!
"Sometimes a little dain bramage can help." -- Carey
Its a shame how much beauty is in the world....and how so little of it goes to Mines. -- Colorado School of Mines
Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
"If I like it, I say it's mine. If I don't I say it's a fake." -- Pablo Picasso - when asked how he knew which paintings were his.
Here's my life as it stands today on pillar of scruffy grass. -- Lisa
Bwah-hah-hah!
The true teacher defends his pupils against his own personal influence. He inspires self-distrust. He guides their eyes from himself to the spirit that quickens him. He will have no disciple. -- A. Bronson Alcott
Peter's Law of Substitution: Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after themselves.
Sometimes to realize you were well, someone must come along and hurt you. -- Perry Farrell
Style is the signal os a civilization. It is impossible for man to produce objects without reflecting the society which he is a part. -- Misha Black
If you hear a voice within you say "you cannot paint," then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced. -- Vincent van Gogh
I do not believe in the immortality of the individual, and I consider ethics to be an exclusively human concern without any superhuman authority behind it. -- Albert Einstein
Born to lose, I"ve lived all my life in vain. All my dreams have only caused me pain. All my life i've always been so blue. Born to lose and now i'm losing you -- Gene Pitney, "Born to Lose"
Don't make me kill you and eat you. -- Mike Bossart
"A chic type, a rough type, an odd type -- but never a stereotype." -- Jean-Michel Jarre
The Fifth Rule: You have taken yourself too seriously.
Progress was all right. Only it went on too long. -- James Thurber
"It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set foot."
"I wonder if they still have those drawers, you know with the people in them? Well, not the actual people." -- Sarah G., about a former morgue.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
"The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance." -- Robert R. Coveyou
"If I only had one tooth, I think I would brush it a real long time." -- Jeff
"Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound."" -- David Letterman
"Help! Our restaurant is falling apart and we've patched the walls together with sour cream and guacamole." -- Matthew, explaining the decor at the new mexican restaurant.
Its whats on the record not what labels on it. You know, thats like getting a box of cornflakes and eating the cardboard. -- Elvis Costello
"There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says "Yes" you know he is crooked." -- Groucho Marx
If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will exceed all expectations. -- Reverend Chichester
Truth...never comes into the world but like a Bastard, to the ignominy of him that brought her forth. -- John Milton
"When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder." -- James H. Boren
"I am not part of the problem; I am a Republican." -- Dan Quayle
"Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases." -- Anonymous
Think about world peace; while you're doing that I'll be over here stealing your stuff. -- Jack Handey
Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ...
Pecor's Health-Food Principle: Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in it.
Me: This is my report. I think you'll be pleasently surprised. Teacher: This isn't done, and it has nothing to do with Saddam Hussain. Me: That's enough out of you!
A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing.
Your fortune stateth: Love is in the offing.  Be affectionate to one who adores you.
"Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea." -- John Ciardi
Anybody who knows everything should be told a thing or two. -- Franklin P. Jones
Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is; I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat. -- Rebecca West
"If our knees bent the other way, what would chairs look like?" -- Kate, asking a series of perplexing questions to a bunch of drunks.
"I pride myself on having practically impossible-to-figure-out nicknames." -- Ellie
Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
"Trust, but verify. " -- Ronald Reagan
I don't believe in art. I believe in artists. -- Marcel Duchamp
I'm having a phlegm problem tonight. -- Karen
There are many events in the womb of time which will be delivered -- Lago, "Othello"
Firm and erect the Caledonian stood; Sound was his mutton, and his claret good; "Let him drink port!" the English statesman cried: He drank the poison, and his spirit died. -- Anonymous
"I have found you an argument: but I am not obliged to find you an understanding." -- Samuel Johnson
Art is why i get up in the morning but my definition ends there. You know i don't think its fair that I'm living for something i can't even define. -- Ani_difranco(Out_of_habit)
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office. -- Robert Frost
Beth: "So what are you guys taking for intercourse?" Jon: "Well...we know what your thinking about." Beth: "What did I say?" -- Beth, trying to figure out what classes to take for the four-week interSESSION.
"There are two good things in life, freedom of thought and freedom of action." -- William Somerset Maugham
S: "Can I see it for a minute?" J: "No, I don't THINK so!" S: "No, I swear, I'm gonna hit myself."
Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat. -- Harry Emerson Fosdick
"Don't look back -- something might be gaining on you." -- Satchel Paige
"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat." -- Jane Wagner
Pure water is the best of gifts that man to man can bring, But who am I that I should have the best of anything? Let princes revel at the pump, let peers with ponds make free, Whisky, or wine, or even beer is good enough for me. -- Anonymous
"Love and stoplights can be cruel." 	 -Sesame Street, U.S. children's television show
A new dramatist of the absurd Has a voice that will shortly be heard. I learn from my spies He's about to devise An unprintable three-letter word.
Incumbent, n.: Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"The Web is bang equal to the Internet." "Bang equal?" "Yeah, if you claim the two are the same we'll shoot you." -- Doug Sheppard
Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week: Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.
"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." -- Hemon Wouk
"The Saint's are the sinners that keep on trying." -- Robert Louis Stevenson
"Hey baby, I'll give you the best night of my life!" -- Me experiencing a brain typo
"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?" -- The Doctor
Zero Defects, n.: The result of shutting down a production line.
When you're away, I'm restless, lonely, Wretched, bored, dejected; only Here's the rub, my darling dear I feel the same when you are near. -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away"
"Bite my Funken-Wagnals. Ahh!" -- Sara, Katie, Bee Jay, Justin, and Grace
Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
Enthusiasm is the best protection in any situation. Wholeheartedness is contagious. Give yourself, if you wish to get others. -- David Seabury
Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it. -- Gene Spafford
"If a man stays away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life." -- Lord Darking - British Judge
If you knew what to say next, would you say it?
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture."
Elena: Want a kleenex? Moses: Is it warm?
"Mate, this parrot would be bigger than England."
"I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me. I quote John Lennon.He was the walrus. I could be the walrus, but I'd still have to bum rides off of people." -- Ferris Beuller
Adore, v.: To venerate expectantly. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Seven beers followed by two Scotches and a thimble of marijuana and it's funny how sleep comes all on it's own. -- David Sedaris
"Molecules are lazy, just like organic chemists." -- Dr. French
"Legend -- a lie that has attained the dignity of age." -- H. L. Mencken
"I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned." -- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"
"I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St. Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE HAW"!!'" -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County"
The teacher, if indeed wise, does not bid you to enter the house of their wisdom, but leads you to the threshold of your own mind. -- Kahlil Gibran
FELON, n. A person of greater enterprise than discretion, who in embracing an opportunity has formed an unfortunate attachment. -- Ambrose Bierce
What is your major malfunction numb-nuts? Didn't mommy and daddy give you enough attention when you were a child? <KAPOW> -- Full Metal Jacket
Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they've told you what you think it is you want to hear. -- Alan Corenk
Look out for the car behind the car in front of you! -- A new driver
"If all men knew what others say of them, there would not be four friends in the world." -- Blaise Pascal
A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. "What do you mean?" responded her mother. "Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another.". -- Anonymous
"Looks like a good explosion to kiss ratio." -- Jeff Rowley about "The 5th Element". The ratio was was blown by the end.
"Well, I have one consolation. No candidate was ever elected ex-president by such a large majority!" -- William Howard Taft - US President - referring to his defeat in the 1912presidential election.
And tomorrow will be like today, only more so. -- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version
For an individual animal, plant or man existence (to be or not to be) is of quite decisive importance; an individual man has not after all a conceptual existence -- Soeren Kierkegaard, "Journals"
"Advertising copy. Where sentences are replaced by participle phrases. Noun phrases. And dangling conjunctions. Bleah." -- K<bob>
"There is no cause so right that one cannot find a fool following it." Niven's Law #16
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box. -- Wil Shriner
"Hey, for the first time ever, I actually *like* my neighbors." -- Shay, defending his choice of living next to Western State (a mental institution).
A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that balances are correct. -- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib"
"Don't eat my elbow!" -- Katie
"COMMUNISTS!!!" -- Michelle Zalas, after being asked to do a problem at the board.
I think one of the reasons I'm popular again is because I'm wearing a tie. You have to be different. -- Tony Bennett, 1995
For every moment of triumph, for every instance of beauty, many souls must be trampeled. -- Hunter S. Thompson
"I'd rather be deaf than blind because if I was blind I couldn't do my hair." -- Lori Denton
That is the best -- to laugh with someone because you think the same things are funny. -- Gloria Vanderbilt
"This computer makes me all frowny with pure nougat-filled hatred! -- Jhonen Vasquez
The moment we begin to fear the opinions of others and hesitate to tell the truth that is in us, and from motives of policy are silent when we should speak, the divine floods of light and life no longer flow into our souls. -- Elizabeth Cady Stanton
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television. -- Gore Vidal
Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey-cage. -- H.L.Menken
"#3528. The law respects form less than substance." -- California Civil Code, "Maxims of Jurisprudence"
I do not seek. I find. -- Pablo Picasso.
A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. -- G. B. Shaw
"If you're going to do something wrong, at least enjoy it." -- Leo Rosten
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life. -- Michael Sinz
Peace, n.: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
People are always so boring when they band together. You have to be alone to develop all the idiosyncrasies that make a person interesting. -- Andy Warhol
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep. -- Albert Camus
"Well, what the hell'd you expect, pushing the button marked 'Do Not Press'?" -- Daniel "Fluffy"
You can think about my shirt being unbuttoned, and you can think about this weekend, but not individually. -- My girlfriend
Me: What's new? Claire: The past tense of "snow."
Paige (six-year-old): "Hey, I'm a ghost!" Alana (humoring): "Wow, really? How did you die?" Paige (after hesitation): "I think I was hit by an ice cream truck. At least I got ice cream out of it."
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it.
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. -- Oscar Levant
It takes a lot of time to be a genius, you have to sit around so much doing nothing really doing nothing. -- Gertrude Stein
Try explaining the neccesity of cartoons to people that don't speak English! -- Philip
Happiness is like jam. You can't spread even a little without getting some on yourself. -- Anonymous
Highway sign: "The National Institute for the Blind" Deborah: "Wait, how would they know that it's here? ... unless they had really big braille...."
The future not being born, my friend, we will abstain from baptizing it. -- George Meredith
I sucked so hard, they made me do it again.... -- Rae, telling a group of guys about her first axe throwing contest
"A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself." -- Don Marquis
Sir, I would rather be right than be President. -- Henry Clay, Speech, 1850, referring to the Compromise Measure
"I have no butt hole." -- Jana, when sitting on the middle hump of the backseat of a car.
Be an optimist -- at least until they start moving animals in pairs to Cape Canaveral. -- Anonymous
The steady state of disks is full. --Ken Thompson
Your fortune stateth: Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake.
Bagdikian's Observation: Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele.
Jimmy: "What if the sky was pink?" Adam: "You would wonder what it was like if it was blue. This is it."
"If aliens ever tried to abduct me, I'd kick their butts!" -- Kurt Fansler
Save the world; kill a sponge! -- Matt
I have read your book and much like it. -- Moses Hadas, book reviewer
"Gee, everything's so much quiter with a sweatshirt over your ears." -- Sarah G.
Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc.
When it hurts to look back,m and you're too scared to look ahead, just look beside you and your best friend will be there. -- Anonymous
"Let us be thankful for the fools; but for them the rest of us could not succeed." -- Mark Twain
Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really". -- Dave Parnas
"When I was growing up, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. -- Steven Wright
Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference. -- Anonymous
"I don't think death is that good for anybody." -- Jake
Your fortune stateth: Chess tonight.
Your fortune stateth: You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
The highest reward for a man's toil is not what he gets for it, but what he becomes by it. -- John Ruskin
The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate; to have it make some difference that you have lived, and lived well. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
I think it's probably a good thing to be considered stable, but with a capacity for madness. -- Wayne Coyne, The Flaming Lips
"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal." -- Henry Ford
At the workroom lunch table, my friend and co-worker Bill was eating a really boring-looking sandwich. Karla: "Bill, don't you have any condiments on your sandwich?" Bill (without a pause): "You mean, am I practicing 'safe eating'?"
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid. -- Soren Aabye Kierkegaard
Universe, n.: The problem.
If life's a flower, then I'm a pigeon. -- Shayma
Trust in Allah, but tie your camel. -- Arabian proverb
NOTICE: -- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY -- (The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.)
"Time wounds all heels" -- Unintentionally said at a funeral, by my friend, who would be mortified if she saw her name here....
A word to the wise is enough. -- Miguel de Cervantes
I'm homosexual... How and why are idle questions. It's a little like wanting to know why my eyes are green. -- Jean Genet
Screw God, I'm worshipping Jill. -- Shelby
"I'm starting to think your ideal society would contain bad overdubbing!" -- Jason Holliman, to a housemate.
"To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred thousand." -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had everyone glued in their seats!" Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!"
Hand, n.: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
If love be rough with you, be rough with love. Prick love for pricking you and beat love down. -- William Shakespeare
"As a fan, I'm distraught, but as a cartoonist looking at new vacant spaces in 2400 newspapers, well, behind me, my cats are dancing a conga line." -- Scott Adams, creator of "Dilbert" on the ending of the strip "Calvin and Hobbes"
"I think he may be obsessive-repulsive." -- Carrie G. describing a boy who sent her sister dead flowers after they quit dating.
Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
The purpose of a liberal arts education is to learn that a person can like both cats and dogs! -- Anonymous
I got drunk last night, but then I shouldn't have been sitting in a tea cup. -- someone from enterprise.net
Wonderful! Is it a colt or a filly? -- Jennifer, an equestrienne, after hearing of news of a human friend's giving birth.
Your fortune stateth: Slow day.  Practice crawling.
In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. -- Martin Luther King Jr.
Hartley's Second Law: Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places." -- Hemingway
KING, n. A male person commonly known in America as a "crowned head," although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speak of. -- Ambrose Bierce
"I gave you a hug. Now go!" -- 5 year old Maddy, after complying with a request to "Give grandpa a hug before he goes."
You may not blackmail any more teachers while at school. -- my english teacher, in response to a letter we had sent from the school's network.
"I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away." -- Nancy Mitford
The revolution will not be televised.
If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance. -- Jack Handey
If a man is considered guilty for what goes on in his mind, give me the electric chair for all my future crimes. -- Prince
We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down. -- Kurt Vonnegut
Your fortune stateth: You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, "Let there be Light." And there was still nothing, but you could see it.
"Golf may be played on Sunday, not being a game within the view of the law, but being a form of moral effort." -- Stephen Leacock
Becky: Why are you taking his groin? Emily: It's plastic!
Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future. -- Niels Bohr
Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. -- H. L. Mencken
I read the book of Job last night - I don't think God comes out well in it. -- Virginia Woolf
To be a teacher is to be forever an optimist. -- Philip Bigler
"Sometimes you are too insightful. I'm going to have to kill you now..." -- Julie to the insightful Jen
I want to be the child of your father. -- Matt
"Get your facts first; then you can distort them as you please." -- Mark Twain
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. -- W. C. Fields
I shot an elephant in my pants. How he got there I'll never know. -- Groucho Marx
Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
"Who's playing hunchback?" -- Linda Bean, while watching a Notre Dame football game on TV.
Karen: "I'm f**king poor!" Paul: "Well, it's better to be f**king poor than not to be f**king at all."
"You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead." -- Lois Platford
"I want to just go into my computer and hug it!" -- Ellie, about this little sheep that was roaming around her computer screen due to a program called lamb.exe.
You ever notice that all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie. -- Dante
"Laws don't work, unless they merely codify generally accepted behavior, in which case they are probably unnecessary." -- tom@genie.slhs.udel.edu
"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific." -- Jane Wagner
[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. -- Edwin Meese III
"A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on." -- Fred Allen - Comedian
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. -- Anonymous
"K is for KENGHIS KHAN. _He_ was a very _nice_ person. History has no record of him. There is a moral in that, somewhere." -- Harlan Ellison
"Dad, you know how a bang on the head can make you silly, can a bang on the head ever make you smarter?" -- Bryce, when 7 years old.
What office is there which involves more responsibility, which requires more qualifications, and which ought, therefore, to be more honourable, than that of teaching? -- Harriet Martineau
"What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death." -- Dave Barry
Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those for whom love still heals, even though they'vebeen hurt before. -- Anonymous
"I can never remember whether or not there's an 'R' at the end of 'LAVA'." -- geography prof. at Univ. of New Mexico, in a South African accent.
Who was Eyvund? Some great big blond hunk of a viking. And who was Sam? Some lousy lawyer. -- Professor, on an Icelandic saga
S: "I'm going to eat one piece of each kind." A: "How very non-discriminatory of you."
"Why do you have to be suck a cunt?" "Im sorry for being suck a cunt." -- Welcome To The Doll House
Someone will try to honk your nose today.
From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached. -- F. Kafka
"What you don't know would make a good book." -- Sydney Smith
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. -- Cervantes
Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy. -- Joseph Campbell
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths." -- Steven Wright
Kate: "I'm naming at least one of my children Gurt." Angela: "Gurt!? Why the hell would you want to name it Gurt?" Kate: "Well, if I ever need to get it's attention, I will have the thrill of saying 'Yo! Gurt!"'
Get out of my house! And take your goat with you! -- Karen
Be good to your friends, or they may develop psychokinetic powers and destroy Tokyo.
The worth of the state, in the long run, is the worth of the individuals composing it. -- John Stuart Mill
Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational. -- Charles Schulz
"Belief in the supernatural reflects a failure of the imagination." -- Edward Abbey
We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights!
Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. -- G. B. Shaw
Your fortune stateth: You two ought to be more careful--your love could drag on for years and years.
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. -- Anonymous
"My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies"
"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar." -- Mark Twain
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided by the number of people in the group.
"Whenever a thing is done for the first time, it releases a little demon." -- Dave Sim
One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
"Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years." -- George Burns
"Hey! I'm a chemical!" -- Ellie
What's all this brouhaha?
Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled. -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
Last night I drempt somebody loved me: no hope -- no harm just another false alarm. -- The Smiths, "Strangeways, Here We Come" 1987
"Ok, I think I better climb out the window now." -- Ellie
Anatomy (n): something everyone has, but which looks better on a girl -- Bruce Raeburn.
"Let's let that cool down while I collect the gods." -- Scott Griffin
My Dad wouldn't buy me a car so I got baptised. -- Overheard on an elevator.
"I never watch Sesame Street. I know most of that stuff." -- Tracie, college sophomore.
The fact that it works is immaterial. -- L. Ogborn
If the mattress was a table top and the bed sheet was a page we'd be written out like a couple of question marks my convex to your concave and we'd be lying here at the end of a sentence that asks, are you ready now? -- Ani_difranco(Angel_food)
It's like what they say in Buddhism....when you pee on a penny, you will come back and be a peed-on penny. -- Howard
Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
All over Washington today, the politicians and the power brokers are happy. In fact, if you listen closely, you can hear the sound of champagne corks popping. -- Paul Jacob, Term Limits Executive Director
Many an opportunity is lost because a man is out looking for four-leaf clovers. -- Anonymous
To have arrived on this earth as a product of a biological accident, only to depart through human arrogance, would be the ultimate irony. -- R. Leakey
Olmstead's Law: After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
"I need help; there is a french letter on the coke-machine." -- Harry van der Land (a dutch guy) coming back from the drinks machine, on which was a note in French.
"Imagination is more important than knowledge." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
If you go blind and deaf you masterbate too much. -- Tom fixing some sandwiches
I don't care. I'll have whatever you don't want me to have. -- Karen
I find television very educating. Every time sombody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. -- Groucho Marx
Wethern's Law: Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
"There's nothing like desire to prevent the things one says from having any resemblance to the things in one's mind." -- Marcel Proust
"With as much time as she spends on my keyboard, you'd think she'd be up to 70 wpm." -- Jen, about her cat.
Beth: How was your day? Ranjan: We were very busy. We were running around like headless fowl. Beth: You mean chickens with your heads cut off? Ranjan: Whatever.
Bigamy is having one wife too many; monogamy is the same. -- Oscar Wilde
Your fortune stateth: Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.
We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us. -- Charles Bukowski
Your fortune stateth: So this it it.  We're going to die.
"I didn't even know what to do about it is to lose a mind. Or not to have to paint it."
Jay: "I wish I could get out of this test." Allan: "I wish I could set poeple on fire by looking at them."
I think I could sleep better if I could take off my arms and legs. -- Hambone
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. -- Unknown
Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness. -- motto of the Christopher Society
"They've got a weird kind of charm about them, ya know? I mean, they're really not very good. They're a bad band, but I LOVE them for it! I can't figure it out! I want ALL of their albums!" -- "Uncle" Ben, about the band "Maow".
Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
Your fortune stateth: Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like. -- Arnold Bennett
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does." -- Groucho Marx
My advice to you is not to inquire why or whither, but just enjoy your ice cream while it's on your plate. -- Thorton Wilder
If we can't have revolution, we just might settle for revenge. -- George Oswall
"The trouble with us in America isn't that the poetry of life has turned to prose, but that it has turned to advertising copy." -- Louis Kronenberger
"If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
Most burning issues generate far more heat than light.
Our independent study teacher let us know that she would be absent the next day.... Teacher: "So what are you guys going to do tomorrow?" Missy: "Skip."
God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
(While driving on a one lane road...) Ken: What are you doing? Girlfriend: I'm flashing my brights. Ken: But the guy is behind us! Girlfriend: Yeah, I'm flashing my back brights at him.
If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will always do it. -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin
"Don't do anything I would do. If you do, don't get caught. If you do, plead the fifth!" -- Me, to my manager
The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
I read about the evils of drinking so i gave up on reading -- Henry Youngman
"The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid." -- Richard Braustein
"If I ever cut down a tree and it screamed, I'd cry." -- Mary, during the middle of a discussion on evolution.
One good turn asketh another. -- John Heywood
Kisses are the remnants of paradise. -- Joseph Conrad
"In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women." -- Homer Simpson
In a revolution, one triumphs or dies. -- Che Guevara
"Laws are made for us; we are not made for the laws." -- William Milonoff
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. -- Anonymous
"There is nothing more agreeable in life than to make peace with the establishment -- and nothing more corrupting." -- Alan John Percivale Taylor
To generalize is to be an idiot. -- William Blake
It was my birthday recently, and for it I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. So I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled the humidifier with wax, so now my room's all shiney. -- Steven Wright
"I see squirrels, but I think bunnies." -- Jennifer Nicholoff (hee hee hee)
"Unemployment has gone from quantitative to qualitative." -- Alvin Toffler
Bart: "This sucks!" Marge: "Where did you learn to talk like that!?" Homer: "That's the suckiest suck that ever sucked!" -- -Bart -Marge -Homer
"'You pay for it before you eat it? What happens if it's dreadful?' 'That's why.'" -- Terry Pratchett, _Moving Pictures_
"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself." -- Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy
"I'm hotter than a well-digger's left nut." -- Jen, in an e-mail during one of the hotter summers New York has ever experienced.
"While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove." -- Edward Stevenson
Men show their character in nothing more clearly than by what they find laughable. -- Anonymous
No one is listening until you make a mistake. -- Anonymous
"We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail." -- Dave Barry
"Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex." -- Ellyn Mustard
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
What I have to say is far more important than how long my eyelashes are. -- Alanis Morissette, singer, 1995
Your fortune stateth: You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part.
Tyro: Pizza always brings us together. Rando: How do you figger? Tyro: I don't know.
Your fortune stateth: You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. -- Jeff Bridges
I am always right! I am never wrong! Except about those two things... -- Julie
-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.
How wonderful yellow is. It stands for the sun -- Vincent van Gogh
SaNdRa is an idiot. Ogden Nash said "candy is dandy but liquor is quicker", not Willy Wonka. Idiot. -- Someone With A Brain
"Love is a hole in the heart." -- Ben Hecht
Death to all fanatics!
And it's 1,2,3 what are we fightin' for? Don't ask me I don't give a damn, next stop is Vietnam, and 5,6,7 open up the pearly gates. Well there ain't no time to wonder why, lookout, we all gonna die. -- Country Joe McDonald
There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot. -- Anonymous
Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
"Knowledge is of two kinds. We know a subject ourselves, or we know where we can find information on it." -- Samuel Johnson
Go away, I'm all right. -- H.G. Wells' last words.
"I'm working on accepting my inner scumbag." -- Troy
Your fortune stateth: Go to a movie tonight.  Darkness becomes you.
In the U.S., you have to be a deviant or die or boredom. -- William S. Burroughs
Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable. -- M.J. 0'Donnell
I like the floor, because you can't fall off. -- Karen
Creative minds have been known to survive any sort of bad training. -- Anna Freud
I married the first man I ever kissed. When I tell this to my children they just about throw up. -- Barbara Bush, first lady, 1989
It takes a big man to cry. It takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man. -- Jack Handey
"Author: A fool, who, not content with having bored those who have lived with him, insists on tormenting the generations to come." -- Montesquieu
Your fortune stateth: You are standing on my toes.
Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
Say what you will about the sweet miracle of unquesting faith. I consider the capacity for it terrifying. -- Kurt Vonnegut
"But suppose I'm demonic!" -- Merritt Gardner, Math Professor
"The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money." -- Ed Bluestone
The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on ability. -- T. Lehrer
Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. -- Mark Twain
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." -- Douglas Adams
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
I hate to laugh,I love to love.... But your love for me is so far above. -- Mosta
There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered. -- Nelson Mandela, A Long Walk to Freedom
Leigh Ann spotted Tommy and a friend at class registration at the local college.... Leigh Ann: "What class did you guys just sign up for?" Tommy: "English 1302" Leigh Ann: "Ewwwwwww! You have to read books and stuff!"
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mister Brave Man, I guess I am a coward. -- Jack Handey
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia. -- Charles Schultz
Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. -- Herb Caen
The NeXT Computer: The hardware makes it a PC, the software makes it a workstation, the unit sales makes it a mainframe. -- Anonymous
I can resist anything but temptation.
"Ya gotta be so cool to be this square" -- Mitch Collier, when ordering Chop Suey at a Chinese restaurant.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. -- Mark Twain
Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down. -- Anonymous
"'Cause I wanted to, I guess." -- Jeremy, age five, when asked why he had tried to flush the cat down the toilet.
Wisdom is scar tissue in disguise. -- Anonymous
"Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that his arms and legs form 'spokes.' Happiness is when he stops." -- Jack Handey
Your fortune stateth: Green light in A.M. for new projects.  Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
"Take everything you like seriously, except yourselves." -- Rudyard Kipling
We turned at a dozen paces, for love is a duel, and looked up at each other for the last time. -- Jack Kerouac
To cross the river of boredom, one must first, hop onto the stone of imagination -- Rensouken
"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce" -- Winston Churchill
"Anarchism is founded on the observation that since few men are wise enough to rule themselves, even fewer are wise enough to rule others." -- Edward Abbey
Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink.
"You can't fly until you drink the rest of the tequila." -- How my friend Chris (with about half of my body mass) convinced me not to jump out of the fifth story window during one of our many drinking binges.
It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
Being dead can't be so bad -- nobody's come back to complain. -- Cliff's grandfather
As we have explained, in first love the soul is taken long before the body; later the body is taken long before the soul; sometimes the soul is not taken at all. -- Victor Huge, "Les Miserables"
Your fortune stateth: You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
Beware the man of a single book. -- Bertrand Russell
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. -- Groucho Marx
Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
There is no need to excogitate on the relative peculiarities reguarding the sense perception of one's breakfast. -- Michael Cox, "The Skepticism of Carneades"
"I tend not to breathe very much when it's this cold." -- Paul
... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. -- J. B. White
Seminars, n.: From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
(Ryan, Tomas, Ed, and a bunch of other guys are are stopped by a teenage girl as they are walking downtown....) Girl: Do any of you guys have a cigarette? Ryan: Sorry, we're not cool enough to smoke.
All art is solitary and the studio is a torture area. -- Alexander Liberman
"Why am I looking up 'Hampshire'? I should be looking for 'New'...." -- Paul
At work, about how I was holding my pinky out while I was eating a breakfast bar: Some guy: "You're doing that dainty pinky thing." Jen: "No, I'm doing that vestigal pinky thing."
Full many a gem of purest ray serene The dark unfathom'd caves of ocean bear; Full many a flower is born to blush unseen, And waste its sweetness on the desert air. -- Thomas Gray , (1716-1771) - : Elegy in a Country Churchyard. Stanza 14.
Well, remember what you said, because in a day or two, I'll have a witty and blistering retort! You'll be devastated THEN! -- Calvin
To be is to do. -- Descartes
"Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live. It is asking other people to live as one wishes to live." -- Oscar Wilde
I like to set small goals that might lead into larger ones, like making toast; this might lead into making a sandwhich and possibly my own space program. -- Stephen Wright
"A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines." -- Frank Lloyd Wright 
"You're not a bird-dog Bonnie, you're a Mr. Potato Head." -- 4-year-old Rhonda explaining to 2-year-old Bonnie that she need not be barking after retrieving a Mr. Potato Head corn-cob pipe.
Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it by the handle of anxiety, or by the handle of faith. -- Anonymous
Like the crest of a peacock so is mathematics at the head of all knowledge. -- Anonymous
When you see a 200-foot praying mantis chomp a car in half, it kind of puts things in perspective. -- Dave Hunter, referring to a movie on MST3K.
"Become who you are." -- Nietzshe
Great sex is great, but bad sex is like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich -- Billy Idol
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. -- Voltaire
Sometimes the lights all shining on me and other times i can barely see, lately it occurs to me, what a long strange trip it's been. -- Grateful Dead
Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
Laura: It's so nice you trust me with the mouse! Alana: Um, actually, do you want to trade places? (on Alana's computer after Laura clicks someplace random...) <Laura shakes no> Alana: Well, then I get the keyboard!
"A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age." -- Robert Frost
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. -- Ken Dodd
In America, anyone can become president. That's one of the risks you take.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them. -- Mark Twain
"A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it." -- Oscar Wilde
"Jane Deere" -- The label on the side of our friend Diane's tractor.
"All rise." -- Southwest Airlines pilot, to the passengers as he turned off the "fasten seatbelt" light after landing.
"What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager asked her mother. "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. -- Steven Wright
Nearly all men can withstand adversity; If you want to test a man's character, give him power. -- Abraham Lincoln
" 'Just Futons'? You mean, as opposed to Unjust Futons?" -- Paul Baker, reading a sign on a store front
"Inquiry is fatal to certainty." -- Will Durant
"Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet Union." -- P.J. O'Rourke
We could blow this place up if we wanted to. We would set it all up! -- Dee Dee Ramone
We were children in our places with the world beneath our feet. Growing up was on our faces, I remember yours so sweet -- The Supremes
The greatest work of an artist is the history of a painting. -- Alberti
Before the beginning of great brilliance and beauty there first must be a period of complete chaos. -- I-Ching
"You take three good shots in the face in basketball, and not a drop of blood. I try to shoot a snot rocket and the blood is flowing like a waterfall!" -- Spam
Your eyes are always bigger than your stomach. -- Confucius
When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows. -- Frederike Ryder
Some people wear their smiles like a disguise thoses people who smile alot watch their eyes I know cause I'm like that alot you think everythings ok and it is till its not -- Ani Difranco
Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
"Sports? Sports are great -- Great for keeping the vacuous off the streets and out of trouble!" -- Rankin!
A gas mask, a smoke grenade, and a helicopter, thats all I ask. -- Calvin, during a test
When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee them.
Because a star explodes and a thousand worlds like ours die, we know this world is. That is the smile: that what might not be, is. -- John Fowles, "The Magus"
"The only difference in the game of love over the last few thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds." -- The Indianapolis Star
In times of stress and strain, people will vote. -- Anonymous
Don't talk about death, I've got too much life to live, To many orders to give. -- Ice Cube
"My dog signed it too. Sorry." -- what Zach Horowitz wrote on his K2 snowboarding contract where his dog had chewed off the corner.
"Everybody experiences far more than he understands. Yet it is experience, rather than understanding, that influences behavior." -- Marshall McLuhan
"I am one of those who like to stay late at the cafe," the loder waitor said. "With all those who do not want to go to bed. With all those who need a light for the night." -- Ernest Hemingway, "A Clean, Well-Lighted Place"
"Cute little babies that fall out of swings - These are a few of my favourite things." -- Oscar Hammerstein, working lyric for a piece from "The Sound of Music"
A friend is a person with whom I may be sincere. Before him I may think aloud. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"When the gods wish to punish us they answer our prayers." -- Oscar Wilde
SELF-EVIDENT, adj. Evident to one's self and to nobody else. -- Ambrose Bierce
"Naah... she's not easy, she's horizontally accessible." -- Kate
The street finds its own uses for technology; the net finds its own uses for garbage.
Your fortune stateth: You will be misunderstood by everyone.
"If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?" -- Holly
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
Your fortune stateth: You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise salesman.
Art is the highest task and proper metaphysical activity of this life. -- Nietzsche
A woman is like a teabag- only in hot water do you realize how strong she is -- Eleanor Roosevelt
"A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from the vexation of thinking." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
It's as if the kettle's killed itself rather than be used by me! -- Neil
The world is going to Hell, we don't have a record deal, and I've never had a better time in my life. -- Jeff Tweedy
"When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped." -- Marcel Achard
Just buy a box of popcorn and a Coca-Cola and sit back and watch. -- James Carville, Clinton advisor, offering advice for Democrats on the term-limits vote in the House
Annual drug deaths: tobacco: 395,000, alcohol: 125,000, 'legal' drugs: 38,000, illegal drug overdoses: 5,200, marijuana: 0. Considering government subsidies of tobacco, just what is our government protecting us from in the drug war? -- William A. Turnbow
"This is too perfect. It must be my date!"
Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
"Yes, about ten minutes." -- Duke of Wellington - Responding to a vicar's query as to whether there was anything he would like his upcoming sermon to be about.
Perfect sincerity and transparency make a great part of beauty, as in dewdrops, lakes, and diamonds. -- Henry David Thoreau, "Journal"
Some people weave burlap into the fabric of our lives, and some weave gold thread. Both contribute to make the whole picture beautiful and unique. -- Anonymous
"The superfluous is very necessary." -- Voltaire
In the republic of mediocrity genius is dangerous. -- Robert G. Ingersoll
"Most bad government has grown out of too much government." -- Thomas Jefferson
How could they tell? -- Dorothy Parker, upon hearing that President Coolidge had died
"My next performance will be at eight o'clock." -- "Uncle" Ben (after falling down the stairs)
I'm not a horse, I'm a hornless Unicorn. -- Upright Citizens Brigade
Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
"The real value of freedom is not to the minority that wants to talk, but to the majority, that does not want to listen." -- Zechariah Chafee
If Barbie is so popular, why do we have to buy her friends? -- Stephen Wright
One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.
How is it supposed to get hard with four people breathing on it? -- Judy Thom, a grown-up slumber party while waiting for Magic Shell to solidify on ice cream.
I'll bet everyone in America could trace all of their problems to a conspiracy somewhere. -- Allyson P.
Blessed is the person who is too busy to worry in the daytime and too sleepy to worry at night. -- Anonymous
The Educated look down on the illiterate because they do not know the wonders of knowledge. The Uneducated look down on the illiterate becasue they have to deal with problems. -- Edgar Allen Poe
Liz: If we want just a girls' night out tonight, I have "When Harry Met Sally" and a bottle of Bacardi in my room. Natasha: I've never seen "A Bottle of Bacardi."
Beauty is only a light switch away -- On a Bathroom Wall
Did you know ... That no-one ever reads these things?
The two real political parties in America are the Winners and the Losers. The people don't acknowledge this. They claim membership in two imaginary parties, the Republicans and the Democrats, instead. -- Kurt Vonnegut
Me: What's wrong, Grandma? Granny: Honey, right now I feel so low I could sit on a cigarette paper and swing my feet!
Baseball is a game where a curve is an optical illusion, a screwball can be a pitch or a person, stealing is legal and you can spit anywhere you like except in the umpire's eye or on the ball. -- Jim Murray
Hey, guys. I'm not spreading rumors... I'm just telling you what I heard. -- A friend
Winning is a habit. Unfortunately, so is losing. -- Vince Lombardi
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent vice of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries. -- Winston Churchill
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
Odets, where is thy sting? -- George S. Kaufman
Your fortune stateth: Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
"Put your things in the box!" -- Aaron Handler, et al. A random all-purpose quote from THE GOOD EARTH.
Have a nice diurnal anomaly.
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
Your fortune stateth: Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
And the people would eat up all the food, gobble, gobble, yum, yum, and it would become excrement and memories. What then for little Ecuador? -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Galapagos"
If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't. -- Lyall Watson
A small family is soon provided for. -- English Proverb
"We're all about to become statistics!" -- a gleeful Kenton Self, as the bus began sliding backwards down an icy mountain road.
Whip it, whip it good!
Why do you see babies at the beach? What have they done to earn a vacation? -- Steven Wright
Nine out of ten people who change their minds are wrong the second time too. -- Anonymous
"All I wanted was a lizard." -- Mike
You'll go to Heck if you don't believe in Gosh.
When choosing between two evils, always choose the one you haven't tried yet. -- Mae West
"And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report." -- Dave Barry
Cher, as soon as he breaks up with me, you're mine! -- Tyro, talking about the relationship between Cher and Rando.
It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end. -- Leonardo da Vinci
So as William felt he was about to croak, he said "Spritz me!" -- professer acting out William the Conqueror's deathbed baptism.
Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?
When someone asks you if you're a god, you say, "YES!" -- Winston Zeddemore, (Ernie Hudson) in "Ghostbusters"
Life is one long struggle in the dark. -- Titus Lucretius Carus
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man." -- George Bernard Shaw
"I was the more decieved..." -Ophelia from "Hamlet" -- Shakespeare
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -- Rita Rudner
Satellite Safety Tip #14: If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
I have lost friends, some by death, others through sheer inability to cross the street. -- Virginia Woolf
A place for everything and everything in its place. -- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management"  [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to memory management system services.]
A sinking ship gathers no moss. -- Donald Kaul
"Have you seen my life? I know I dropped it around here somewhere..." -- Dusty Miller
"If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you." -- Jack Handy
In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts: they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Self-sacrifice enables us to sacrifice other people without blushing." -- George Bernard Shaw
"I'm naming my dessicator 'Little S**t Head'." -- Ellie, in Quantitative Analysis Lab, after her teacher told the students to treat the dessicators (lab equipment) like they were their babies, and to name them.
"Unconditonal" ( without conditions ), just as i am (without provisions),till death do us part (murder not acceptable),for better or for worse(and it always gets worse), now say you love me !! -- Katherine Wolf
I have a large collection of seashells. I keep it scattered across all the beaches of the world, maybe you've seen it. -- Steven Wright
"Go ahead and do it; it is easier to apologize than to get permission." -- Admiral Grace Hopper
Evil will forever reign over good, for the peccable, weak souls of today's youth are for more intelligent than any of us will ever be. -- Milton Stewart
BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the outfit." GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?" BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..." -- Jay Ward
Hi. My name is felicia, and I work at Wendy's. My manager's name is Dave, and he's gay. -- Felicia
"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it." -- English Professor
"Economists are still trying to figure out why the girls with the least principle draw the most interest." -- Anonymous
Hands and feet are all alike but gold between divide us. -- Cry Freedom
"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk." -- Stephen King
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. -- Oscar Wilde
Live simply that other may simply live. -- Gandhi
If you chose to dance with a bear, don't stop when you get tired.
"A good bookshop is just a genteel Black Hole that knows how to read." -- Terry Pratchett, _Guards! Guards!_
"Watch out for the rain showers, 10th grade!" -- Bryce (the seniors were spitting on us.)
"The mind of a bigot is like the pupil of the eye. The more light you shine on it, the more it will contract." -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
One sees great things from the valley, only small things from the peak. -- G. K. Chesterton
Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction?
"I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up." -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
To know is to know that you know nothing. Thats is the true meaning of knowledge -- Confucious
"To become a popular religion, it is only necessary for a superstition to enslave a philosophy." -- William Ralph Inge
The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education. -- Mark Twain
"You can't do that, Time!" -- Sharon, my mom, suddenly turning around and exclaiming to me (in the back seat of the car). We still haven't figured out what she was talking about.
"Hey you! Get back here! I need a replacement!" -- Ellie
Mophobia, n.: Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
"She'll either say no, or make the next year of my life a living hell." -- "Fluffy," on dating.
"OH! The Portuguese lesbian!! The Portuguese lesbian!! I remember now!" -- Exclaimed during a quiet moment in History last year, while Kate and Stephanie were trying to find a way to rememeber that the capital of Portugal is Lisbon.
What experience and history teach is this-- that people and governments never have learned anything from history. -- George Wilhelm Hegel
I don't have a curfew -- I just have to be home at a certain time. -- Julie
Your fortune stateth: Never reveal your best argument.
To be a philosopher is not merely to have subtle thoughts, nor even to found a school, but so to love wisdom as to live according to its dictates, a life of simplicity, independence, magnanimity, and trust. -- Henry David Thoreau, "Walden"
I smell a wumpus.
"I don't use drugs, my dreams are frightening enough." -- M. C. Escher
Your fortune stateth: Blow it out your ear.
Marriage is not a ritual or an end. It is a long, intricate, intimate dance together and nothing matters more than your own sense of balance and your choice of partner. -- Amy Bloom
It's never too late to have a happy childhood. -- Tom Robbins, Still Life With Woodpecker
"For every problem, there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong." -- H. L. Mencken
I need my own pirate TV station. I wanna go to the moon. I wanna do this duet with Morrissey. I wanna keep making good rocking music that takes me. I just wanna be reduced to skin and bone. I want my songs to paralyze me. -- Black Francis
"I'm the student council president." "Meaning you know why I'm mad at the student council, but really don't give a s***?" -- Overheard in the hall at school
Beauty is desired in order that it may be befouled; not for its own sake, but for the joy brought by the certainty of profaning it. -- Georges Bataille
"Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL." -- Mae West
If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
It is the path of least resistance that makes rivers and men crooked. -- Bj Palmer
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. -- Bank Of America Tech Support
George Orwell was an optimist.
WIT, n. The salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out. -- Ambrose Bierce
Some people go to priests; others to poetry; I to my friends. -- Virginia Woolf, Bernard, in The Waves, 1931; repr. 1943, p. 189
I'm cold, go put on a sweater. -- Cliff's mother.
A true gentleman is one who is never unintentionally rude. -- Oscar Wilde
A penny saved has not been spent.
Your fortune stateth: Stay the curse.
"'I must've seen it in a USENET posting;' that's sort of like hearsay evidence from Richard Nixon..." -- Blair Houghton
MORAL, adj. Conforming to a local and mutable standard of right. Having the quality of general expediency. -- Ambrose Bierce
"Back up, run through the forest, and see the hidden wonders of Hell!!" -- David, talking about a day at his foster mother's house
Your fortune stateth: You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
Marriage is more than four bare legs in a bed. -- Hoshang N. Akhtar
Doug: You're possessed. Nikki: Doug, what is this thing you have with possession today? Doug: Possession is nine-tenths of the law.
"The universe is actively evil and passively good." -- Z. James Wang
"There's more to contact lenses than meets the eye!" -- Pete Hibbit
"Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast the disc jockey is not allowed to talk." -- Fran Lebowitz
There are a thousand hacking at the branches of evil to one who is striking at the root. -- Henry David Thoreau
No no, that's MEAN. -- 15 year old Sharie, upon hearing someone insult someone else.
Mr. Caputo asks Bryce a question. Bryce: "Um, uh...." Mr.C.: "Could you please get more specific than that?"
"It will feel better when it stops hurting." -- Coach Burger (Putnam City High School, Oklahoma City)
Fortune favors the lucky.
I am the ambassador of fucking-kick-your-assador -- The Vandals I Think..I Don'T Remember
Pascal, n.: A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient. -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911
"When the next White House enemies list comes out, I want to be on it." -- Hunter S. Thompson
"The rich are getting richer and the poor are getting drunk." -- The Replacements.
Fudd's First Law of Opposition: Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
If you want happiness for a lifetime - help the next generation. -- Chinese Proverb
Please bless this food, even though it's not healthy and help us get some nutrition from it. -- The opening of Kerri's blessing at a greasy chicken/seafood place.
Argument at breakfast in the dining hall: Jenny: Give me back my kiwi... or I'll dash your apple to the ground! Melissa: Apples bounce, you fool!
"Deleted code has fewer bugs." -- Xibo
"Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence." -- Henrik Tikkanen
Life itself can't give you joy, unless you really will it. Life just gives you time and space, it's upto you to fill it. -- Anonymous
"The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange protein; it rejects it." -- P. B. Medawar
Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? A: One per person.
"Self-improvement is a dangerous form of vanity." -- Alan Watts
"We don't know why he was naked. Guess he took his clothes off." -- A Cave Creek, AZ policeman explaining a nude man caught in someone else's chimney.
Abstract art: a product of the untalented sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered. -- Al Capp
An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest. -- Spanish proverb
She's one talking animal short of a Disney flick. -- Jennifer
I hate mankind, for I think myself to be one of them, and I know how bad I am. -- Samuel Johnson
"WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe." -- Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky
Think big. Pollute the Mississippi.
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. " -- Erma Bombeck
It's hard to conceal a water balloon -- Calvin
"There is this special biologist word we use for 'stable.' It is 'dead.'" -- Jack Cohen
"Confound these ancestors.... They've stolen our best ideas!" -- Ben Jonson
It is bad luck to be superstitious. -- Andrew W. Mathis
"I find television very educating. Every time sombody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book." -- Groucho Marx
"you quench my heart and quench my mind" -- Dave
To love another person is to help them love God. -- Soren Kierkegaard
"When your IQ rises to 28, sell." -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler
"Hope is the lease of submission." -- Raoul Vaneigem
Two wrongs are only the beginning. -- Kohn
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.
"...you're only popular with anorexia so I turn myself inside out in hope someone will see" -- Tori
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. -- La Rouchefoucauld
-- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal fluid.
If you stand up like a nail you will get hammered down. -- Japanese Proverb
"People who used magic without knowing what they were doing usually came to a sticky end. All over the entire room, sometimes." -- Terry Pratchett
"Mmmmm... pie...." -- Tomas Terfloth and Devin Martyniuk, in every math class for two years, every time that 'pi' was written or said.
Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, and such as are out wish to get in? -- Ralph Emerson
"One of the delights known to age, and beyond the grasp of youth, is that of Not Going." -- J. B. Priestley
"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted." -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
I learn by going where I have to go. -- Theodore Roethke
We're walking on God! -- Rosie, a young child, in response to the notion of an omnipresent God.
The first subway station was opened in 1882, what was the point of that? Where would you go? -- Mat
"After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations." -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
Today, many people were victims of my random acts of kindness. --Tyro
"You know, the difference between this company and the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers." -- Anonymous
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it. -- W. Somerset Maughm
"If I can't find a better job, I'll just fall back on professional soccer." -- Christian Hamilton, son of noted author Nigel Hamilton.
Instinct must be thwarted just as one prunes the branches of a tree so that it will grow better. -- Henri Matisse
Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you. -- Carl Sandburg
We should take care not to make the intellect our god. It has, of course, powerful muscles, but no personality. -- Albert Einstein
[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves to see him work. -- Winston Churchill
Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. -- W. C. Fields
If you go in search of honey, you must expect to encounter bees. -- Thomas Szasz
It's always darkest just before the lights go out. -- Alex Clark
God is Dead -- Nietzsche Nietzsche is Dead -- God Nietzsche is God -- The Dead
I don't believe in an afterlife, so I don't have to spend my whole life fearing hell, or fearing heaven even more. For whatever the tortures of hell, I think the boredom of heaven would be even worse. -- Isaac Asimov
"Use humility to make the enemy haughty. Tire them by flight. Cause division among them. When they are unprepared, attack and make your move when they do not expect it." -- Sun Tzu, "The Art of War"
"Yeah, well, if I let you get too cocky, you might grow your spine back." -- Lastene to her boyfriend.
"We participate in a tragedy; at a comedy we only look." -- Aldous Huxley
What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
"Beware... the clowns...." -- Michelle Zalas, after 2 glasses of punch.
"I used to look down on the world for being corrupt, but now I adore it for the utter magnificence of that corruption." -- Richard J. Needham
Nature will bear the closest inspection. She invites us to lay our eye level with her smallest leaf, and take an insect view of its plain. -- Henry David Thoreau
A great artist... must be shaken by the naked truths that will not be comforted. This divine discontent, this disequilibrium, this state of inner tension is the source of artistic energy. -- Goethe
Safety Third.
History teaches that war begins when governments believe the price of aggression is cheap. -- Ronald Reagan
"No Diggity! I got to bag it up!" -- My Geometry teacher's response when asked why he was putting the TV in a bag
I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
"Yeah, and knowing my luck I'll get hit on the other side on the way home and I'll be trapped in my car!" -- Chris Cotton, shortly after we were in wreck in his car which made it impossible to ever open the passenger side door and/or window ever again
Girlfriend of a friend: So what are you afraid of? Friend: What, you mean besides Kryptonite?!?!
Yes, but which self do you want to be?
"The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutang trying to play the violin." -- Honore DeBalzac
"The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch."
Kopesetic?? That is NOT a word. What passes for lyrics these days? --My brother, Craig, talking about LOCAL H's only good song
Matters of religion should never be matters of controversy. We neither argue with a lover about his taste, not condemn him, if we are just, for knowing so human a passion. -- George Santayana
For every person wanting to teach there are 30 not wanting to be taught. -- W.C. Sellar
EGOTIST, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. -- Ambrose Bierce
Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
We are drowning in information, but starved for knowledge. -- John Naisbilt
The first duty of a lecturer: to hand you after an hour's discourse a nugget of pure truth to wrap up between the pages of your notebooks, and keep on the mantlepiece forever. -- Virginia Woolf
Why does a man take it for granted that a girl who flirts with him wants him to kiss her, when, nine times out of ten, she only wants him to want to kiss her? -- Helen Rowland
"An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered." -- G. K. Chesterton
Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, Is like being nowhere at all, All through the day how the hours rush by, You sit in the park and you watch the grass die. -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
Music is the art of thinking with sounds. -- Jules Combarieu
"Some people have so much respect for their superiors they have none left for themselves." -- Peter Mcarthur
Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
Mr. Seiler: "Ok, we'll call this point A, and this point B. What can we call this point?" Skip: "Big Bob?"
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side.
"There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't" -- Warren Buffet
The whole problem can be stated quite simply by asking, "Is there a meaning to music?" My answer would be, "Yes." And "Can you state in so many words what the meaning is?" My answer to that would be, "No." -- Aaron Copland
Jon: "How come all the girls go out with the dorks?" Me: "Maybe WE'RE the dorks!"
Grad school is the snooze button on the clock-radio of life. -- John Rogers, comedian (who holds a graduate degree in physics)
"Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected." -- Red Buttons
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
No artist is ahead of his time. He is his time. It is just that the others are behind the time. -- Martha Graham
A man who has nothing for which he willing to fight; nothing he cares about more than his own personal safety; is a miserable creature who has no chance of being free, unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself. -- Anonymous
An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops.
Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable. -- John Kenneth Galbraith
Gelatinous goo is sooo much more fun when it's all over the place. -- Mike Hamilton
"I'm the center of the universe! Know why? Because I went out the window!" -- Ellie
Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.
A country cannot simultaneously prepare and prevent war. -- Albert Einstein
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. -- Thomas Jones
Cheese is the essence of the mind. --Rando
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done. -- Carl Friedrich Gauss, when informed that his wife was dying
Live by the foma [harmless untruths] that make you brave, and kind, and healthy, and happy. -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"
"Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months." -- Oscar Wilde
"Please don't lie to me, unless you're absolutely sure I'll never find out the truth." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
"Smiling like a possum eating bumble bees" -- Mr. Blackwell
Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes. -- Lewis Grizzard
Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe! Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past! -- Green Lantern Comics
Information is not knowledge. Knowledge is not wisdom. Wisdom is not truth. Truth is not beauty. Beauty is not love. Love is not music. MUSIC IS BEST. -- Frank Zappa
"Where does she find them?" -- Dorothy Parker - in reply to "Anyway, she's always very nice to her inferiors."
Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.
I sometimes think that God, in creating man, overestimated His ability. -- Oscar Wilde
If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers. -- Doug Larsom [Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.]
I always felt that the great high privilege, relief and comfort of friendship was that one had to explain nothing. -- Katherine Mansfield
The only difference between myself and a madman is that I am not mad -- Salvador Dali
I wish I was a cat. Then I could just lay around all day and eat garbage. That would be great. -- Chris Klein
How come we never talk anymore?
Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting enough cheese -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
Nothing can be done in one trip. -- Snider
If the person is dear, the penis is dear. -- Deborah and Jill
If you don't double-click me, I can't do anything. -- Anonymous
...Every advance in knowledge brings us face to face with the mystery of our own being." -- Max Planck
IMPIETY, n. Your irreverence toward my deity. -- Ambrose Bierce
Once my friend told me that he had found Jesus. I thought to myself, "WooHoo, we're rich!" It turns out he meant something different. -- Jack Handey
"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance." -- Steven Wright
"Those freshmen are so cute... I wish I had a gun." -- Michelle Zalas, about some annoying freshmen down the hall.
The day is coming when a single carrot, freshly observed, will set off a revolution. -- Paul Cezanne
I no longer want to walk on worn soles -- Friedrich Nietzsche
"I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm the President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli." -- George Bush - US President 1990
Want to make your computer go really fast? Throw it out a window. -- Anonymous
That's just typical of you, Vyvyan! The house is under fifty feet of water and what do you do, build a submarine! [thinks] There's, um, no room for me in there, is there? -- Rick
"Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past." -- George Orwell
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
Harris's Lament: All the good ones are taken.
Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!" -- Robin Williams
friend: So, what do you think? me: It was like the Hokey Pokey. (after my first visit to a Catholic church)
I hate quotations. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The person who tries to live alone will not succeed as a human being. His heart withers if it does not answer another heart. His mind shrinks away if he hears only the echoes of his own thoughts and finds no other inspiration. -- Pearl S. Buck
Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past. -- The Adventurer
God is a shout in the street. -- James Joyce
Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too impossibly bad. -- Honor'e de Balzac
I have written much about many good places. But the best places of all, I have never mentioned. -- Edward Abbey
Our problems are so serious that the best way to talk about them is lightheartedly.
"Next to the originator of a good sentence is the first quoter of it. I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Imagination is intelligence with an erection. -- Victor Hugo
Good friends are like stars...you don't always see them, but you know they're always there. -- Anonymous
Your fortune stateth: "Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it." -- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
Welcome to the Zoo!
Education: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell. -- Joan Crawford
"Go away...I'm alright." -- H. G. Wells, dying words
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
"I wouldn't touch that with a ten-foot horse." -- A friend of mine mindlessly blending idioms...
Dear Miss Manners: Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face. Gentle Reader: Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face ...
"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means." -- George Burns
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
"Who got conked over the head and made me the chef?" -- Ellie, after being asked to cook dinner.
Love your friend with his faults. -- Anonymous
"In the U.S. you have to be a deviant or exist in extreme boredom...Make no mistake; all intellectuals are deviants in the U.S." -- William Burroughs
"Thanks God, I LOVE this stuff!" -- My 5 year old's prayer at a particularly favorite meal.
"It's a case of the blind leading the stupid." -- Brad Bigelow
Elizabeth: Can I have fifty cents? Tony: You need some shrimp? (Elizabeth wanted a drink while Tony fished.)
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
La Chica Ica El Taco? -- Alison, in reference to our local La Chiquita supermarket
To write a good love letter, you ought to begin without knowing what you mean to say, and to finish without knowing what you have written. -- Jean Jacques Rousseau
Your fortune stateth: You will be surrounded by luxury.
The Internet, of course, is more than just a place to find pictures of people having sex with dogs. -- Time Magazine, 3 July 1995
Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these. -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18)
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. -- Benjamin Franklin
Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve. -- George Bernard Shaw
Sammie- And Herod was, like, the main king, the "player"Rusty-and Jesus was a playa-hata(excerpt from the Eboncis Xmas play)
"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all it's pupils." -- Hector Berlioz
"Work is the source of nearly all the misery in the world." -- Bob Black
I don't need no booze or drugs, i just need a sip from my coffee mug!!! -- The Descendents
There are short-cuts to happiness, and dancing is one of them. -- Vicki Baum
Debate politics with a fern. If you lose, refuse to water it.
If you find a perfect church, don't go. You'll mess it up. -- Rick Walker
"'All holy piety in public, and all peeled grapes and self-indulgence in private.'" -- Terry Pratchett, _Small Gods_
Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." -- Seen on a bumper sticker
We all need money, but there are degrees of desperation. -- Anthony Burgess
"Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so." -- Lord Chesterfield
Your fortune stateth: You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
"I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain." -- Lily Tomlin
Noise, noise, noise...smokin' weed, smokin' weed, doin' coke, drinkin' beer. My good man its time to kick back, drink some beer and smoke some weed. -- Jay
Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
"It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. they're in front of you in the supermarket express lane." -- June Henderson
Lowery's Law: If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Cats ARE triangles. -- Paul
"I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it." -- Steven Wright
Your fortune stateth: You are as I am with You.
[In Spanish Class] Sra. Ward: Javier, why are you talking? Javier: I wasn't! (He was.) Sra. Ward: Do you have a TV?
"If the French were really intelligent, they'd speak English." -- Wilfred Sheed
"You can pay attention to the fact, in which case you'll probably become a mathematician, or you can ignore it, in which case you'll probably become a physicist." -- Len Evans, professor, Northwestern University, teaching an honors calculus course
The authority of those who teach is often an obstacle to those who want to learn. -- Cicero
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by children. -- Anonymous
The world really isn't any worse. It's just that the news coverage is so much better.
"My neighbor snores." -- Jen, obsessing over a loud neighbor
"Sarah Brightman couldn't act scared on the New York subway at 4 o'clock in the morning." -- Joel Segal
"That hole looks big enough for a microbe!" -- Brian, shaking milk carton upside-down.
A God. The God. One word can make all the difference in the world. -- C.S. Lewis
Imagine there's no country, it isn't hard to do. Nothing to kill or die for, and no religion too. Imagine all the people, living life in peace. -- John Lennon
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12: Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience -- Oscar Wilde
The covers of this book are too far apart. -- Ambrose Bierce
Your fortune stateth: Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
Britain is bad for my hair. -- Mel
My loathings are simple: stupidity, oppression, crime, cruelty, soft music. -- Vladimir Nabokov
Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note says "For the woman I love" and the second, "For my best friend.". -- Anonymous
AMNESTY, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish. -- Ambrose Bierce
Charity: "What makes kosher pickels 'kosher'?" Me: "They are just like regular pickels, only a little bit shorter."
"Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo." -- H. G. Wells
Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It's easy to critize, but if everybody hated you, wouldn't you be paranoid? -- Steven Wright
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free. -- Jim Morrison
Your fortune stateth: In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
Your fortune stateth: Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.
The menu said, 'Breakfast served any time'. So I ordered french toast during the Rennaisance. -- Steven Wright
"We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue than malnutrition." -- Alexander Comfort
Experience is not what happens to you; it's what you do with what happens to you. -- Aldous Huxley
I want to be called Spartacus in bed! -- Nicky
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
"I still can't find my crank in the dark." -- Jen, regarding the window crank in her new car
The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. -- Henry Kissinger
The course of true love never did run smooth. -- William Shakespeare
"A machine is as distinctively and brilliantly and expressively human as a violin sonata or a theorem in Euclid." -- Gregory Vlastos
I have an Eddie Murphy laugh. Don't twist my head off. -- Erin Smith, at Denny's, way too late at night
Dad: Jane, can you explain to me why there is a $50 fine on your student account billed as "Roof Violation"? Jane: Well, Dad, I violated the roof.
"He must be from the land of Misfit Troys." -- Jack (remarking about how his roommate Troy is such a klutz)
"There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure." -- Ross MacDonald
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny-- Did you ever try buying then without money? -- Ogden Nash
"There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval." -- George Santayana
Music is everybody's possession. It's only publishers who think that people own it. -- John Lennon
Your fortune stateth: Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. -- Dereke Bruce
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
"Exposure to heat makes things hot." -- Elijah.
Television brought the brutality of war into the comfort of the living room. Vietnam was lost in the living rooms of America-not on the battlefields of Vietnam. -- Marshall McLuhan
"Fascism in America will attempt to advance under the banner of Americanism and anti-Fascism." -- Georgi Dimitrov
"Give me four years to teach the children and the seed I have sown will never be uprooted." -- Vladimir Ilyich Lenin
America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair. -- Arnold Toynbee
Skillful listening is the best remedy for loneliness, loquaciousness, and laryngitis. -- William Arthur Ward
Why do two colors, put one next to the other, sing? Can one really explain this? No. Just as one can never learn how to paint -- Pablo Picasso
That which does not kill me is dead when I am through with it. -- Tyler (Taken from a secret source)
Between sobs... "I just wanted a f*cking waffle!!" -- Kate, while having an awful day.
There is no must in art because art is free. -- Wassily Kandinsky
The universe was a place of wonders, and only habituation, the anaesthesia of the everday, dulled our sight. -- Salman Rushdie, "The Satanic Verses"
MK: If my feet had nipples, they'd be erect right now. -- In a really cold car, wearing sandals.
"Mmmmm.... hamburgers. I think the Burger King is on fire." -- Jen
The shortest distance between two points is under construction. -- Noelie Altito
Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die.
"Oh come now! ... or later." -- Chris Cotton
Depart in pieces, i.e., split.
"I am as frustrated with society as a pyromaniac in a petrified forest." -- A. Whitney Brown
By retaining his humility, the talented person who is also wise, reduces rivalry. -- Lao Tzu, "Tao Te Ching" Chapter 3
People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense. -- Ken Kesey
God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
The function of the artist is the mythologization of the culture and the world. In the visual arts there were two men whose work handled mythological themes in a marvelous way: Paul Klee and Pablo Picasso -- Joseph Campbell, "The Power of Myth"
I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
"A facility for quotation covers the absence of original thought." -- Dorothy Leigh Sayers
When I look around I think this, this is good enough. And I try to laugh at whatever life brings. Cuz when I look down I just miss all the good stuff and when I look up I just trip over things. -- Ani Difranco
Perfect has always been a word of both inimidation and fragility. An egg, perfect yet fragile -- Rich Saul Wurman
Steve's Girlfriend: "I'll have the chicken sandwich." Waitress: "Honey, that is a roasted half chicken on the bone, stuffed and served with a side of potatos." Steve's Girlfriend: "Does it come on a bun?"
"Nothing rhymes with nostril." -- Melanie
Hey, I wonder if you can really, truly freeze your ass off. Then you'd look kinda weird from behind. -- Alana
Susie if you want to see your doll again, leave $100 in this envelope by the tree out front. Do not call the police you CANNOT trace us, you CANNOT find us. Sincerely, Calvin -- Calvin
"If this job was easy, my dog would come and pick up a paycheck." -- Fellow employee, about doing some hard work.
Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction. -- Janet Reno, Us Attorney General, 02-27-98
My way of joking is to tell the truth; it's the funniest joke in the world. -- Anonymous
The price of freedom is eternal vigilance. -- Thomas Jefferson
Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes.
"Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters; united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels." -- Goya
Lisa, if you die, we die both. -- Frankie, naked in lake St. Clair, waiting for a sturgeon attack.
"If I was here to put stuff where it goes, I'd know where it was!" -- frustrated part-time worker on not being able to find misplaced cleaning supplies.
"Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least." -- Robert Byrne
He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news. -- Bertolt Brecht
"Universities incline wits to sophistry and affectation." -- Francis Bacon
Live your questions now, and perhaps even without knowing it, you will live along some distant day into your answers. -- Rainer Maria Rilke
Goldenstern's Rules: 1. Always hire a rich attorney 2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
Your fortune stateth: Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.
It must be admitted that there is a degree of instability which is inconsistent with civilization. But, on the whole, the great ages have been unstable ones. -- Alfred North Whitehead
Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it.
Great art can communicate before it is understood. -- T. S. Eliot
What we wish, that we readily believe. -- Demosthenes
He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
"Shut up and don't sing" -- Shannon
If liberty and equality, as is thought by some are chiefly to be found in democracy, they will be best attained when all persons alike share in the government to the utmost. -- Aristotle
Good, better, best; never let it rest till your good is better and your better is best. -- Anonymous
Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It's like having a little pet for your face. -- Anita Wise
"Hoover lives his life the way you want!" -- Colin D., during a discussion of Herbert Hoover in history class.
"I wonder if she'll check my hands for calluses." -- Missy, before her job interview.
Seventh grade boys are the root of all bad taste. -- Alexis I.
Bhavika (reading a Lab Safety sheet for Chemistry): "Report all accidents, no matter how minor, to your instructor." Ellie (in faked panicky voice): "Nooo! Teacher! Teacher! I broke a nail!"
Let sleeping dogs lie. -- Charles Dickens
"Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden moves around than any other city in the world." -- David Letterman
I restore myself when I'm alone. -- Marilyn Monroe
We ascribe beauty to that which is simple; which has no superfluous parts; which exactly answers its end; which stands related to all things; which is the mean of many extremes. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Part of the happiness of life consists not in fighting battles, but in avoiding them. A masterly retreat is in itself a victory. -- Norman Vincent Peale
If Satan ever loses his hair, there'll be hell toupee. -- Anonymous
To have ruined oneself over poetry is an honor. -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking. -- F. G. Withington
"It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it." -- Henry Allen
Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind; And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind. -- William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream, Act i. Sc. 1.
They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. -- Mark Twain
Then we went to Matisse's studio. He's one of the neo, neo Impressionists, quite interesting and lots of talent but very queer. He does things very much like Pamela's [Fry's 7-year-old daughter]. -- Roger Fry
"If you were to drop a match, it would go up like a madhouse." -- Shannon, in a garage full of newspapers waiting to be recycled.
Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. [There is no great genius without some touch of madness.] -- Seneca
What is communication or language? A curse! Why? Don't ask me, because I don't know. Ask God. -- Vanesa Colon-Ortiz
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." -- Rich Cook
OATH, n. In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the conscience by a penalty for perjury. -- Ambrose Bierce
Some say, 'Love means never having to say your sorry'. To me, love means never having to hear, 'Where's my friggin' rent, you lazy bastard ?!' in the first place. -- John Crocker
Don't steal. The government hates competition. -- Anonymous
I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. Bernoulli would have been content to die Had he but known such a-squared cos 2(phi)! -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
"Traveling there was really boring so I headed for the ditch. It was a rough ride but I met more interesting people there." -- Neil Young
"Bacon?" -- My friend Mark's standard greeting when answering the phone at someone else's house.
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. -- Don Quinn
Your fortune stateth: You will have a long and boring life.
Don't trust anyone over 30 who used to say "Don't trust anyone over 30.". -- Anonymous
Well now, hold on/maybe I won't go to sleep at all/and it'll be a beautiful white night -- Frank O'Hara, "Lunch Poems"
Every path has its puddle.
From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain. -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune"
Yes, Paul, we'll use hurricanes to transfer our data. -- Matt
Dawn, n.: The time when men of reason go to bed. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading." -- Emo Philips
We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give. -- Winston Churchill
"What is algebra exactly; is it those three-cornered things?" -- J.M. Barrie - British novelist and dramatist
Actually I don't even know the words to a lot of the songs. And they've never been explained to me. -- Kim Deal
Imagine if we peed with our breasts... -- Jill
An artist never really finishes his work; he merely abandons it. -- Paul Valery
Your fortune stateth: You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
Maturity is the time of life when, if you had the time, you'd have the time of your life. -- Anonymous
It is only by drawing often, drawing everything, drawing incessantly, that one fine day you discover to your surprise that you have rendered something in its true character. -- Camille Pissarro
I believe humans get a lot done, not because we're smart, but because we have thumbs so we can make coffee. -- Flash Rosenberg
There is a courtesy of the heart; it is allied to love. From it springs the purest courtesy in the outward behavior. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
"The measure of a man's real character is what he would do if he knew he never would be found out." -- Thomas Babington Macaulay
"I took France in High School" -- Sue, stating that she was the one most qualified to interpret a french phrase.
I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it's understood that you mean lengthwise loaves. Otherwise, it makes no sense. -- Jack Handey
Jives (excited):I got a coupon for free Snapple! Me: You said you hate Snapple. Jives: Yeah, but it's free! Me: Yeah, but so is piss!
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death. -- Dave Barry
Perhaps the purpose of categorical algebra is to show that which is trivial, is trivially trivial.  -- Anonymous
Don't get even, get jewelry. -- Anonymous
"Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit." -- W. Somerset Maugham
"The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese." -- G. K. Chesterton
Time as he grows old teaches all things. -- Aeschylus
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity. -- Ellen Parr
No good deed goes unpunished. -- Clare Booth Luce
I can relate to that.
If it keeps you awake, it's art; if it puts you to sleep, it's a drug. -- Unknown
Life is about the betterment of the human condition, stretching one's own mind, increasing social awareness, or even random acts of kindness that spill into the soul of humanity. This is why I play music. -- Mark Haugh, of Caroline's Spine
Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it.
God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. -- Albert Einstein
"Movies are open doors, and at every door, I change character and life...I live for the present always. I accept this risk. I don't deny the past, but it's a page to turn." -- Juliette Binoche (French Actress)
Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. -- Henry N. Camp
Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images. -- Jean Cocteau
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
I'm going to eat like a pig from now on. Who am I trying to impress? The nasty, ugly girls I wouldn't touch in a million years? -- Joel Wachowski, at lunch.
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
"I think that I shall never see a poem as lovely as a dry martini." -- Paul T. Baker
"I support comp.lang.awk for a few reasons: [...] It is very satisfying to be able to disagree with Tim Pierce." -- Janet Rosenbaum
"I like children. Properly cooked." -- W.C. Fields
Beauty's attractive, and we dont want people to be attracted by old things. We want them to like the new ones. -- Aldous Huxley, Brave New World
Until a man is twenty-five, he still thinks, every so often, that under the right circumstances he could be the baddest motherfucker in the world. -- Neal Stephenson, "Snowcrash"
"Perfectionism is the enemy of creation, as extreme self-solicitude is the enemy of well-being." -- John Updike
Compare music to drinks. Some is like a strong brandy. Some is like a fine wine. The music you're playing sounds like Diet Coke. -- Pavarotti
"'I'd like to know if I could compare you to a summer's day. Because -- well, June 12th was quite nice, and...'" -- Terry Pratchett, _Wyrd Sisters_
Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them. -- H. L. Mencken
"The jig's up, Elman." "Which jig?" -- Jeff Elman
"It has been discovered experimentally that you can draw laughter from an audience anywhere in the world, of any class or race, simply by walking onto a stage and uttering the words "I am a married man`"." -- Ted Kavanugh - British radio scriptwriter
Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills. -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions"
"The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good." -- Robert Graves
Give me Liberty, or give me death. -- Patrick Henry
When two elephants fight it is the grass that suffers. -- African Proverb
Your fortune stateth: You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
Heaven is under our feet as well as over our heads. -- Henry David Thoreau
Priest: There's something wrong with this microphone. 9th grade confirmation student: And also with you.
In wildness is the preservation of the world -- Thoreau
Our children's children will hear a good story. -- Richard Adams, Watership Down
The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. -- Robert Orben
And let your best be for your friend. If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also. For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill? Seek him always with hours to live. -- Kahlil Gibran
"The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do." -- Walter Bagehot
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children -- Clarence Darrow
Every existing thing is born without reason, prolongs itself out of weakness, and dies by chance -- Jean-Paul Sarte, "Nausea"
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines." -- Seen on a bumper sticker
Repentance is not so much remorse for what we have done as the fear of the consequences. -- Francois de La Rouchefoucauld, Maxims, 1665
"I know that poetry is indispensable, but to what I could not say." -- Jean Cocteau
Intelligence, in diapers, is invisible. And when it matures, out the window it flies. We have to pounce on it earlier. -- Stanislaw J. Lec
It is not the brains that matter most, but that which guides them---the character, the heart, generous qualities, progressive ideas. -- Dostoyevsky
Sweater, n.: A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.
(This was heard while "Uncle" Ben was playing some video game in the next room) -- (blam-BLAM-explosion) "Yeah, siddown, Waldo! Ya'll don't be frontin' on Uncle Ben!" -- "Uncle" Ben
"It was really quiet in my apartment last night. I didn't hear Harold at all, but I'm pretty sure he's still alive." -- Jen, about the oldest of her many loud neighbors.
Alas, I am dying beyond my means. -- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed]
Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead. -- Anonymous
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
A fad is less than a fashion. It is were a fashion people would copy it. -- E.H. Gombrich
If you drag me into any stores that sell anything purple and fuzzy, I'm getting one of the mall cops to beat you. -- Mark V.
"Meet me in Bwokkwyn an we'll dwo cwoffe!" -- Bethany Scholl's bad New York accent
Anchovies taste like sweaty moustaches. -- Jill
"When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it." -- Clarence Darrow
"Any movement in history which attempts to perpetuate itself, becomes reactionary." -- Josip Broz Tito
"The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult, and left untried." -- Gilbert Keith Chesterton
"I shouldn't have sniffed all of those markers..." -- Jen
Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls... if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee.
To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D. -- B. Duggan
"Is it illegal to be on a roof? I've been thrown off of a roof a number of times." -- Patrick Krug
If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair. If this doesn't work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child. -- Anonymous
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?
"No man is exempt from saying silly things; the mischief is to say them deliberately." -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
Your fortune stateth: Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
When you going to make up your mind? When you going to love you as much as I do? When you going to make up your mind? Because things are going to change so fast. -- Tori
"Wearing contact lenses is like wearing underwear, right? You don't really feel it or anything." -- Gabi
Nothing gold can stay... -- A New Found Glory
Among animals, it's eat or be eaten. Among people it's define or be defined.
"I like the English, they have the most rigid code of immorality in the world." -- Malcolm Bradbury
We'll import a token jock and we'll kick his token ass and there'll never ever be a physical education class! I had a dream when I was in high school, that I attended the Punk Rock Academy! -- Atom And His Package
Friends applaud, the Comedy is over. -- Ludwig von Beethoven, dying words
Universities incline wits to sophistry and affectation. -- Francis Bacon
"I thought I told you to wait in the car." -- Tallulah Bankhead - when greeted by a former admirer after many years
The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man." -- Jack Handey
Your fortune stateth: Good day to let down old friends who need help.
Even beauties can be unattractive. If you catch a beauty in the wrong light at the right time, forget it. I believe in low lights and trick mirrors. I believe in plastic surgery. -- Andy Warhol
KAYTE: "I can't wait to get a tatoo!!" CHRISTINE: "YOU WANT TO TOUCH ME???" -- Kayte talking to Christine over loud music
"There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion." -- Francis Bacon
"Criticism is prejudice made plausible." -- H. L. Mencken
"It's not peace I want, not mere contentment. It's boundless joy and ecstasy for me." -- Kugell
Your fortune stateth: Be cheerful while you are alive. -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.
The stupider the peasant, the better the horse understands him. -- Anton Pavlovich Chekhov
"Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
Music makes one feel so romantic - at least it always gets on one's nerves - which is the same thing nowadays. -- Oscar Wilde
Mary had a little lamb and the doctor fainted. -- Anonymous
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
He has a woman's name and wears makeup. How original. -- Alice Cooper, on Marilyn Manson
Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.
What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away.
"There's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over." -- Frank Vincent Zappa
Be humble for you are made of earth. Be noble for you are made of stars. -- Serbian proverb
This sentence no verb.
Dort, wo man Bucher verbrennt, verbrennt man am Ende auch Menschen. (Where they have burned books, they will end in burning human beings.) -- Heinrich Heine, "Almansor (1821)"
Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work in the past tense.I'm a freak and a happy one. I looked like Darth Vader. I was Darth Vader. I am Darth Vader. -- Lisa
"Too many of us look upon Americans as dollar chasers. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else. -- Emily Dickinson
I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
I'm only going to say this once, okay? I'm only going to say this once. -- Dr. Haworthe, my Chemistry prof.
"I've said it once, I'll say it again: 'Too many monkeys.' -- Paul T. Baker, stuck in traffic.
In order to discover new lands, one must be willing to lose sight of the shore for a very long time. -- Anonymous
When I kiss you, it tastes like heaven... so sweet, loving, kind, and caring. -- Anonymous
"Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three categories- those that don't work, those that break down, and those that get lost." -- Russell Baker
Quality Control, n.: The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
"The next best thing to knowing something is knowing where to find it." -- Samuel Johnson
They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself. -- Andy Warhol
"You only live once, so live under as many false names as possible." -- Dana McManus
"I always love seeing those signs! It's like this treat... Like Christmas on the highway!" -- Jennifer, upon seeing a speed limit sign reading 70 mph.
Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all.
When a true genius appears in this world, you may know him by this sign: that the dunces are all in confederacy against him. -- Jonathan Swift
"One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say." -- Will Durant.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
"She looks like a chipmunk storing nuts for the winter." -- a fathers first words when his child is born
Ah, well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means. -- Oscar Wilde, dying words
And now, in keeping with Channel 40's policy of always bringing you the latest in blood and guts, in living color, you're about to see another first -- an attempted suicide. -- Chris Hubbock, who shot herself during a broadcast
"The strongest man in the world is he who stands alone." -- Henrik Ibsen
"If you want to know what's it like in a black hole, you send your grad student. That's what they're for." -- Astronomy Prof Balbus
It's better to burn out than it is to rust.
"Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination." -- Christopher Isherwood
"Heisenberg may have slept here"
I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again. -- Bart Simpson, young character from The Simpsons, U.S. animated television show
I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli. -- Steven Wright
When Armageddon comes, it would be good to be an Olympic athlete, because running real fast and jumping over stuff could come in handy. -- Jack Handey
"My Honda Civic is bigger than your Honda Civic." -- Julie Jorgensen
Believe it or not, Evolution Creation, Communism, Anarchism All isms are all religions. Perfect Neutrality of Religions is impossible. -- Lyden
JAPANESE MINIMALISM: The most frequently offered interior design aesthetic used by rootless career-hopping young people. -- Douglas Coupland
My, how you've changed since I've changed.
"Oh, that's just me calling me back." - -- Ami, hearing the phone ring just after she hung up on her machine.
The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up until 5 or 6 pm.
Music is your own experience, your thoughts, your wisdom. If you don't live it, it won't come out of your horn. -- Charlie Parker
Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. -- Plato
Imagine a potato going 60 mph.... -- Peter Vall-Spinosa, high school psychology teacher
"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?" -- Woody Allen
"Natural abilities are like natural plants that need pruning by study." -- Francis Bacon
Alcohol doesn't console, it doesn't fill up anyone's psychological gaps, all it replaces is the lack of God. -- Marguerite Duras
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
The truth is, laughter always sounds more perfect than weeping. Laughter flows in a violent riff and is effortlessly melodic. Weeping is often fought, choked, half strangled, or surrendered to with humiliation. -- Anne Rice, Taltos
Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. -- Goethe
Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep. -- Scott Adams
Mistakes are the portals of discovery. -- James Joyce
The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism. -- Heidi Hartmann, The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism
Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.) -- Stafford Beer
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator, "This is a parson to parson call."
Rachel: What college are you looking at, Jon? Jon: Carnige-Melon. Rachel: OOh.. Fruity College.
He who laughs last didn't get it. -- Helen Giangregorio
As you sojourn through life, forgive. No matter what has been done to you, said about you, or how painful it may be. In the end you will feel the warmth of the tapestry of love you've created. -- Juan L. Christian (Teacher)
Phew. for a minute there, i lost myself, i lost myself. -- Radiohead
"He's simply got the instinct for being unhappy highly developed." -- H.H. Munro
"Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
A friend is one to whom you can pour out the contents of your heart, chaff and grain alike. Knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away. -- Anonymous
"Everyone's working at home now." -- Doreen, 'Office Killer'
Hey kid, who was your driving coach, Stevie Wonder? -- A really upset man after I rear-ended his car in the McDonalds drive-thru
"I have always imagined that Paradise will be a kind of library." -- Jorge Luis Borges
If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
"Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed." -- Dalin B. Oaks
When spiders unite, they can tie down a lion. -- Ethiopian Proverb
My friend, why have you drifted so far away? All motion is relative, maybe it is you who have moved away by standing still. -- Anonymous
It's my don't-pay-a-cent event. I don't pay a dime til '99. -- Dave, referring to when I'd get paid for the guitar I sold him.
No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted. -- Aesop
Jennifer: "I can't get this dang phone to work!" Tim: "You're trying to call Dan Fogleberg?"
Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.
An apple a day makes 365 apples a year.
The universe is built on a plan the profound symmetry of which is somehow present in the inner structure of our intellect -- Paul Valery
"Please do not hang up, as this could further delay your call." --Seagate's automated phone system.
Life -- Love It or Leave It.
"The probability is that tomorrow will not be an extrapolation of today." -- Ernest C. Arbuckle
"I'm interested in the fact that the less secure a man is, the more likely he is to have extreme prejudice." -- Clint Eastwood
Hardware, n.: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
"Sooner murder an infant in its cradle than nurse unacted desires." -- William Blake
Your fortune stateth: You'll wish that you had done some of the hard things when they were easier to do.
"Man, I hate it when I want to write the letter 'V', but I write 'W' by accident." -- Aaron H.
Mustard's no good without roast beef -- Chico Marx
"It's 3 AM, and I just learned that I cannot hold my sushi."
Where are we going, and why am I in this hand basket? -- Anonymous
The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy - give one and take ten. -- Mark Twain
"When a man assumes a public trust, he should consider himself as public property." -- Thomas Jefferson
I have something to prove, as long as I know there's something that needs improvement, and you know that everytime I move, I make a woman's movement. -- Ani Difranco
Every artist dips his brush in his own soul, and paints his nature into his pictures. -- Henry Ward Beecher
Not only does God play dice with the universe, he sometimes throws them where they cannot be seen. -- Niels Bohr
"For a successful technology, reality must take precedence over public relations, for Nature cannot be fooled." -- Richard P. Feynman
Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves. -- Carl Gustav Jung
"A wiseguy and his head are soon parted." -- Mac Brown
Criticism is prejudice made plausible. -- H. L. Mencken
"Paradise is exactly like where you are right now... only much, much better." -- Laurie Anderson
"The UK was dropped by Germany on an atomic bomb" -- "Mr. Beans" in #emu
Some parts of the past must be preserved, and some of the future prevented at all costs.
Your fortune stateth: You will get what you deserve.
What we anticipate seldom occurs: but what we least expect generally happens. -- Benjamin Disraeli
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder. -- Pope John Paul I
Age does not protect you from love but love to some extent protects you from age. -- Jeanne Moreau
The truth is rarely pure and never simple. -- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest"
It's hard to think will all this hair on my head.
"The laws of probability, so true in general, so fallacious in particular." -- Edward Gibbon
I don't know what that marijuana is, but you bring it in here and I'll drink it!
A simple way to look at it is like this: Joe Berry is a positive charge, while babes are a negative charge. -- Famous scientist from really long ago, making an analogy why the bipolar sides of a magnet attract.
I need to grow another foot. (long pause) Taller! I meant taller! -- Me, Kristy, while trying to get something out of my reach at work.
I have not failed, I've found 10,000 ways that won't work. -- Thomas Edison
I wanted to be a neo-deconstructivist but Mom wouldn't let me -- Calvin
If a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live. -- Martin Luther King Jr.
Your fortune stateth: Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and moving to a new town.
"Politics is made up largely of irrelevancies." -- Dalton Camp
We never know the worth of water 'til the well is dry. -- English Proverb
"I'd like to announce that we're having an unannounced quiz tommorrow." -- Dr. French
History warns us... that it is the customary fate of new truths to begin as heresies and to end as superstitions. -- Thomas Henry Huxley
"It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help." -- Miss Manners (Judith Martin)
"Chastity always takes its toll. In some it produces pimples; in others, sex laws." -- Karl Kraus
Your fortune stateth: You will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be unimportant.
There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. -- Clint Eastwood
If you have an apple, and I have an apple, and we exchange the apples, then you and I will still each have one apple. But if you have an idea, and I have an idea, and we exchange these ideas, then each of us will have two ideas. -- George Bernard Shaw
Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children. -- Mark Twain
"Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be." -- Mark Twain
To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
Lysistrata had a good idea.
For the memory of love is sweet, though the love itself were in vain. And what I have lost of pleasure, assuage what I find of pain. -- Lyster
The music business is a cruel and shallow trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men lie like dogs. There is also a negative side -- Hunter S. Thompson
Music is an indirect force for change, because it provides an anchor against human tragedy -- Jessie Michael, Operation Ivy
Force it!!! If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway... No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer.
I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand. -- Confucius
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. -- Arthur C. Clarke
"Look, it's a baby Barney!" -- Eric Smith, upon seeing his aunt's drawing of a baby raptor from Jurrasic Park.
"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant."
"I drink to make other people interesting." -- George Jean Nathan
Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love and something to hope for. -- Joseph Addison
"The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent." -- Anonymous
Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. -- Winston Churchill
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey? -- Steven Wright
"EGGHEAD WEDS HOURGLASS" -- Headline of Variety, 1956, when Arthur Miller married Marilyn Monroe
Your fortune stateth: Give him an evasive answer.
He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
Oh shut up and go eat a cat. -- Mr. Jaquess, German teacher
The only thing you take with you when you're gone is what you leave behind. -- John Allston
Politics is perhaps the only profession for wich no preparation is thought necessary. -- Robert Louis Stevenson
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
"Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible, too." -- Lichty & Wagner
"My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?" -- Henny Youngman
Afternoon, n.: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.
You... you can't dump me! I'm using your name for all my passwords! What exactly am I supposed to do about that!? -- Justin Simoni
Ah, but a man's reach should exceed his grasp--or what's a heaven for? -- Robert Browning
What!? Me worry? -- Alfred E. Newman
See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause the second one should have seen it.
Cigarettes cause death -- On packs in Europe
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. -- Albert Einstein
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
-- Surveillance should precede saltation.
Just think if you were a molecule and had to be called Ethyl Heptane. -- Jeff
The art of our era is not art, but technology. Today Rembrandt is painting automobiles; Shakespeare is writing research reports; Michelangelo is designing more efficient bank lobbies. () sr -- Howard Sparks
Ah then, would you like a beverage to complement your sandwich? -- The drive-thru guy at the Goshen Arby's, in a reallllly cheesy fake English accent.
If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. -- Albert Einstein
"We learn from history that we learn nothing from history." -- George Bernard Shaw
"First of all I couldn't have been playing with the computer -- it's on."
"Standing in the middle of the road is very dangerous; you get knocked down by the traffic from both sides." -- Margaret Thatcher
"Que pasa, Sugar-Bear?" -- Jeremy "Stinky" Nicholas
Teacher: "Listen!" A.R.: "Listening! You don't have to yell!"
Better tried by twelve than carried by six. -- Jeff Cooper
I know up on the top you are seeing great sights, but down at the bottom we, too, should have rights. -- Dr. Seuss, "Yertle the Turtle and Other Stories"
No pressure, no diamonds. -- Mary Case
"Dear 338171 (May I call you 338?)" -- Noel Coward - in a letter to T.E. Lawrence who had retired from public life to become Aircraftsman Brown, 338171
Seeing much, suffering much, and studying much, are the three pillars of learning. -- Benjamin Disraeli
Beshrew the heart that makes my heart to groan. -- William Shakespeare
"Good men must not obey the laws too well." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have prevailed without them in _Red Storm Rising_." -- Senator Dan Quayle
"All children are morbid. It is their one saving grace." -- Truman Capote
FUTURE, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured. -- Ambrose Bierce
Your fortune stateth: You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
What is the answer? In that case, what is the question? -- Gertrude Stein, dying words
Good writing can be defined as having something to say and saying it well. When one has nothing to say, one should remain silent. Silence is always beautiful at such times. -- Edward Abbey
To alcohol! the cause of, and solution to, all of lifes problems. -- Homer Simpson
Integrity has no need for rules.
Beauty itself is but the sensible image of the Infinite. -- George Bancroft
"The defining function of the artist is to cherish consciousness." -- Max Eastman
One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh paint.
"It's a scientific fact that if you stay in California you lose one point of your IQ every year." -- Truman Capote
Small is beautiful. -- Schumacher's Dictum
"She was beautiful, even though she was dead." -- _Venus in Furs_
I am about to--or I am going to--die; either expression is used. -- Dominique Bouhours, French grammarian, dying words
You should have seen that sunrise, with your own eyes; it brought me back to life.....You'll be with me next time, I go outside. No more 3x5's -- John Mayer
Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.
Remember that you are unique, just like everyone else.
Remember that the faith that moves mountains always carries a pick. -- Anonymous
"Why don't I just go upstairs and give myself a swirly?" -- Shannon
If life is an illusion and the illusion is life then let's all get drunk and steal roadcones! -- B.A Roberts
Every homocidal maniac needs an unholy army of the night. -- Kevin, explaining why he has so many large dogs.
Your fortune stateth: Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.
Your fortune stateth: You'll be sorry...
The idea of God is the sole wrong for which I cannot forgive mankind -- Marquis de Sade
And is your place in heaven worth giving up these kisses? -- Tori
Our democracy is but a name. We vote? What does that mean? It means that we choose between two bodies of real, though not avowed, autocrats, We choose between Tweedledum and Tweedledee. -- Hellen Keller
I plan to live forever, so far so good. -- Steven Wright
"It's not a hand-me-down, it's an heirloom!" -- Julie
Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia. -- Judith Viorst
"Kick him and run!" -- first uttered by Julie at 'Jerry McGuire'
One thing I would never photograph is a dog lying in the mud. -- Diane Arbus
I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology. -- James R. F. Quirk
I could not, at any age, be content to take my place by the fireside and simply look on. Life was meant to be lived. Curiosity must be kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life. -- Eleanor Roosevelt
"Morality is simply the attitude we adopt to people we personally dislike." -- Oscar Wilde
"Well ... the hallway smells like a Mexican restaurant, and it's quiet, so I'm happy." -- Jen's response to the question, "How's your new apartment?"
When you're around most people and you break out in song, they tell you to shut up. But theater people like us sing along! -- Simone S., a friend of mine who has been in a great deal of shows.
Flappity, floppity, flip The mouse on the mobius strip; The strip revolved, The mouse dissolved In a chronodimensional skip.
We must all learn to live together as brothers, or we are all going to perish together as fools. -- Martin Luther King Junior
Teacher: "The answer to number 5 is C." Student: "I disagree." Teacher: "Why?" Student: "Because why would it be C?"
I used to work at a pet shop with some buddies...in our spare time, we used to braid the snakes. Then one day i got fired when i shaved all the rabbits, dipped them in chocolate and set them in action poses. -- Steven Wright
"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?" -- Lily Tomlin
You know how Einstein got bad grades as a kid? Well, mine are even worse! -- Calvin
The question is not whether we will die, but how we will live. -- Joan Borysenko
Your fortune stateth: You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
Happiness is the greatest good.
If you are not the lead sled dog, the world looks pretty much the same every day. -- Anonymous
"You abstracted that thing and you stuck it back in there!" -- Dr. Ford, Ellie's calculus teacher
"Is there life before death?" -- Belfast Graffito
"The toys in this machine are not for consuption" -- The sign on the gumball machine at Toys 'R' Us in Saskatoon.
I have never been able to carry out any work coolly. On the contrary it is done, so to speak, with my own blood. -- Jim Dine
"No! Bad kitty! You do NOT eat the office supplies!" -- Jen
"Popularity is like tupperware...overpriced and sold at parties." -- Melissa
"ALIENS ARE IN THE FOREST!!!" -- Michelle Zalas, after noticing some weird skeleton and not being able to figure out what it was.
"The drug user drowns in the same pool mystics swim in." -- Joseph Campbell
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. -- Walt Disney
The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride."
"After the year 2000, I hope the crime of the century happens real soon, so I get to read about it." -- Dusty
After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. -- P. J. O'Rourke
Your fortune stateth: Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.
"Oh, cool!!! Exploding sheep!!!" -- John and Joel while playing Warcraft II
"Our American professors like their literature clear, cold, pure and very dead." -- Sinclair Lewis
Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction. -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
The kind uncles and aunts of the race are more esteemed than its true spiritual fathers and mothers. -- Henry David Thoreau, "Walden"
When life hands you a lemon, say "Oh yeah, I like lemons. What else you got?" -- Henry Rollins
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. -- Anonymous
"...Yes, the lectures are optional. Graduation is also optional." -- Professor Brian Quinn
"Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid." -- Indiana University fans' chant for their perennially bad football team
I don't know it you know this or not, but cum leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away. -- Randal
Emersons' Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the future.
Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
"Dad, does water float?" -- Bryce, when 6 years old.
"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are." -- Anais Nin
They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well. You just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference. -- Bill Hicks
Neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination nor both together go to the making of genius. Love, love, love, that is the soul of genius. -- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might remember. -- Eugene McCarthy
They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist... -- General John Sedgwick, (1813-1864), last words
Government is the Entertainment Division of the military-industrial complex. -- Frank Zappa
I often think that the night is more alive and more richly colored than the day. -- Vincent Van Gogh
"Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month." -- Wernher von Braun
An artist is not paid for his labor but for his vision. -- James McNeill Whistler
Now, I can never have a dog, 'cause he can't live off the land! -- Heather, age 6 1/2, upon waking from a nap to find that her dad had torn up the backyard to put in a new driveway and garage, leaving only huge piles of dirt.
JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE BIG AND YELLOW DOESN'T MAKE YOU GOD!!!! -- Me, screaming at a school bus that pulled out in front of me.
New York gets god-awful cold in the winter but there's a feeling of wacky comradeship somewhere in some streets. -- Jack Kerouac
Blessed is he who has learned to laugh at himself, for he shall never cease to be entertained. -- John Powell
Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are.
I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not. -- Fran Lebowitz
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. -- Mickey Mouse
"Now I'm lost in Arizona // On the highway of my mind." -- Neraid Cluster
This site could use a little more black and blue color. I think I'm going to punch my monitor. -- Curt's thoughts about this Damn Good (albeit black and blue) site.
May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheesy lounge-lizard versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz.
"There is no such thing as justice in the abstract; it is merely a compact between men." -- Epicurus
If you live in the Rhineland, which is changing hands every five minutes, it's not a good place to raise a crop of turnips -- Gabe
The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 80-column card. -- Dennis M. Ritchie
You know the real meaning of PEACE only if you have been through the war -- Kosovar
Laugh and the world laughs with you; snore and you sleep alone. -- Anthony Burgess
Beware of those angels with their wings glued on. -- Billy Corgan
The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. -- Oscar Wilde
"Civilization is just a temporary failure of entropy." -- Christine Nelson
HARBOR, n. A place where ships taking shelter from stores are exposed to the fury of the customs. -- Ambrose Bierce
"God is not ridiculous!" -- Ann, in response to some of the stupid stuff her church committee was coming up with.
How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, me, 'cause I'm the only one that does anything around here anyway! -- Neil
Liar, n.: A lawyer with a roving commission. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
He early on let her know who is the boss. He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss.". -- Anonymous
"HI. I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self help tapes as 'Smoke yourself thin' and 'Get some confidence, Stupid!'" -- Troy Mcclure
My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character. -- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating", 1994
"Given the choice between the experience of pain and nothing, I would choose pain." -- William Faulkner
"I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain just to eat leaves!" -- Michael Rivero
This book is not to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. -- Dorothy Parker
Rule of the Great: When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets people's attention.
"Asking an incumbent member of Congress to vote for term limits is a bit like asking a chicken to vote for Colonel Sanders." -- Bob Inglis, 1995
I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart. -- ee cummings
"Almost all absurdity of conduct arises from the imitation of those whom we cannot resemble." -- Samuel Johnson
Sank heaven for leetle curls.
"The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still 'tis nonsense." -- Benjamin Franklin
This world is a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel. -- Horace Walpole
"The life which is unexamined is not worth living." -- Plato
A man's best friend is his dogma.
When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English." -- Jack Handey
Only in men's imagination does every truth find an effective and undeniable existence. Imagination, not invention, is the supreme master of art as of life. -- Joseph Conrad
Your fortune stateth: Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.
The little green bunny-rabbits have been chosen to do the can-can. -- micky c.
Honorable, adj.: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"I've never understood Triscuits." -- Megan
"When you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many, it's research." -- Wilson Mizner
Nothing is ever done until everyone is convinced that it ought to be done, and has been convinced for so long that it is now time to do something else. -- F. M. Cornford
"The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit." -- Maugham
Chastity... the most unnatural of all the sexual perversions. -- Aldous Huxley
One of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us. -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cold Turkey"
I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilerating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there? -- -Randall
WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE Oh, dear, where can the matter be When it's converted to energy? There is a slight loss of parity. Johnny's so long at the fair.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!" -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation." -- Stephen Crane
Vulgarity is the rich man's modest contribution to democracy. -- Anonymous
A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea.
"Ina be buff. Ugh." -- Sarah, in a vain effort to make herself look stronger.
"Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more that she ever did." -- Groucho Marx
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
Whiskey is what makes a man shoot at his landlord...and what makes him miss. -- Irish proverbs
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
No matter how far you have gone on the wrong road, turn back. -- Turkish Proverb
Knowledge may give weight, but accomplishments give lustre, and many more people see than weigh. -- Earl of Chesterfield
Painting is stronger than I am. It can make me do whatever it wants. -- Pablo Picasso
Yesterday upon the stair I met a man who wasn't there. He wasn't there again today -- I think he's from the CIA.
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. -- Mike Adams
It should be illegal to play music containing sirens on the radio. -- Matthew, after pulling to the side of the road to make way for a nonexistant ambulance.
Only promise me one thing, don't take me home until I am drunk...very drunk indeed!! -- Audrey Hepburn (Breakfast At Tiffany'S)
"She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to." -- Gypsy Rose Lee
"Oh man.... I can feel it coming.... oh no!... VIOLENT REGURGITATION!!" -- Kate (about Hanson's MMMBOP)
Lemmings don't grow older, they just die.
"New York: A third-rate Babylon." -- H. L. Mencken
"Man, it's like a desert out here" -- Eric, as he was golfing in Las Vegas
They teach you there's a boundary line to music. But man, there's no boundary line to art. -- Charlie Parker
Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders has been discontinued.
"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet." -- Henny Youngman
Jess: "You are so inept!" Sarah: "I never said I was ept!"
The Shepherd drives the wolf from the sheep's throat, for which the sheep thanks the shephard as a liberator, while the wolf denounces him for the same act as a destroyer of liberty" -- Abraham Lincoln
Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
Your fortune stateth: Today is what happened to yesterday.
Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and blows up the bonfire. -- Francois de La Rouchefoucauld
"And it came to pass that in the hands of the ignorant, the words of the Bible were used to beat plowshares into swords." -- Alan Wilson Watts
My goal is simple. It is complete understanding of the universe, why it as it is and why it exists as all. -- Stephen Hawking
Training is useless unless you have a purpose, it's knowing for what purpose to train for that can break men's fulfillment. -- Anonymous
Finagle's First Law: If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
CORPORATION, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. -- Ambrose Bierce
During a physical: Dr. Toney: Does this hurt? (Pushing on my stomach) Me: No. Dr. Toney: How about this? (Pushing on my stomach again) Me: No. Dr. Toney: What does it feel like? Me: It feels like... someone pushing on my stomach.
"A child prodigy is one with highly imaginative parents." -- Unknown
Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men. -- Martin Luther King Jr. "Strength to Love"
"Well... you... you smell like dead fish!" -- Shamis, desperately seeking a comeback.
Your fortune stateth: You are fairminded, just and loving.
Once I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came across a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them. -- Jack Handey
We have reached the point where we are now possessed of sufficient information for each individual human to dare to exercise the option to "make it" rather than having to depend on the decisions of an educated elite. -- Buckminster Fuller
Reclaimer, spare that tree! Take not a single bit! It used to point to me, Now I'm protecting it. It was the reader's CONS That made it, paired by dot; Now, GC, for the nonce, Thou shalt reclaim it not.
The style is the man. -- Georges Buffon
Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination. -- Christopher Isherwood
Imagination is more important than knowledge, for knowledge is limited while imagination embraces the entire world. -- Albert Einstein
"You cannot slander human nature; it is worse than words can paint it." -- Charles Haddon Spurgeon
"One death is a tragedy. One thousand deaths is a statistic." -- Joseph Stalin
True love is like a butterfly. Once it is gone it has flown away it is nearly impossible to recapture it. -- Anonymous
Your fortune stateth: You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot today.
Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading it.
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. -- Matt Groening
Mute icons are the only kind of beauty we find acceptable today. -- Mark Rothko
Happiness seems to be the result of something happening - inactivity is not very exhilarating. -- Anonymous
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. -- Henny Youngman
To know you have enough is to be rich. -- Tao
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. -- Euripides
One picture is worth more than ten thousand words. -- Chinese proverb
We can alter the spicy. -- From the menu at Wok This Way, Chinese restaurant.
Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance. -- Edward Flaherty
If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves. -- Lane Kirkland
"Never be afraid to tell the world who you are." -- Anonymous
"Mother Shlepper!" -- Lacey Gregor and Miranda Thompson.
"How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to journalists, and they believe what they read." -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms"
The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used. -- Herbert von Fritzlar
Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey. -- Andy Warhol
Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning.
What lies between us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Your fortune stateth: Change your thoughts and you change your world.
Is there ever a good reason to tax owls? -- Sarah, after Mr. Hartly used 'owls per acre' as an example of a tax that was unnecesary during the Renaissance.
"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous."
"Gee, it smelled like Head Cheese." -- Owen, after eating a slice of polyurethane coated human DNA.
I bet if we dug into the ground at the zoo we'd find that all the animals are on sticks. -- Dave Hunter
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, great. If not, it's probably having dinner with someone more attractive than you -- Bill Grieser
"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets" -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
Expedience is the best teacher.
Most idealistic people are skint. I have discovered that people with money have no imagination, and people with imagination have no money. -- George Weiss
We have forty million reasons for failure, but not a single excuse. -- Rudyard Kipling
Death--the last sleep? No, it is the final awakening. -- Walter Scott
"The best education consists in immunizing people against systematic attempts at education." -- Paul Karl Feyerabend
"The amount of sleep required by the average person is just five minutes more." -- Anonymous
Nothing, of course, begins at the time you think it did. -- Lillian Hellman, "An Unfinished Woman"
Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac; you can always take something for it.
I think that "sense of reality" must be something on the Y chromosome. -- Nich
Flon's Law: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
Anyone nit-picking enough to write a letter of correction to an editor doubtless deserves the error that provoked it. -- Alvin Toffler
Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
"Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth Corner, Vermont." -- Clarence Darrow
Your fortune stateth: Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
"I'm a Leo. Leos don't believe in this astrology stuff." -- Tom Neff
I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me. -- John Cleese
When you're down and out, lift up your voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"!
I just feel that I'm in tune with the right vibrations in the universe when I'm in the process of working. -- Louise Nevelson
People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they never use. -- Kierkegaard
If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
"It isn't necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It's only necessary to be rich." -- Alan Alda
Which way is the ocean? -- the ever quotable Grandma E, while visiting St. Louis.
"I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No'." -- Woody Allen
Most of those who call themselves artists are in reality picture dealers, only they make the pictures themselves. -- Samuel Butler
The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused. -- Shirley Maclaine
"The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful." -- Mark Twain
It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not. -- Andre Gide
"A man in the house is worth two in the street." -- Mae West
If my decomposing carcass helps nourish the roots of a juniper tree or the wings of a vulture - that is immortality enough for me. And as much as anyone deserves. -- Edward Abbey
God is the great mysterious motivator of what we call nature, and it has often been said by philosophers, that nature is the will of God. And I prefer to say that nature is the only body of God that we shall ever see. -- Frank Lloyd Wright
If pleasures are greatest in anticipation, just remember that this is also true of trouble. -- Elbert Hubbard
For a good time, call (415) 642-9483
Proof by eminent authority: I saw Karp in the elevator and he said it was probably NP-complete.
My imagination makes me human and makes me a fool; it gives me all the world and exiles me from it. -- Ursula K. Le Guin
To be honest, I don't give a rat's a$$ either way, I just want to be part of the promo. -- heard on a local radio station
"To describe the beating of Egg Whites is almost as cheeky as advising how to lead a happy life." -- The Joy of Cooking
If you have no confidence in self, you are twice defeated in the race of life. With confidence you have won even before you have started. -- Marcus Garvey
Charles: "I am the Harbinger of Doom!" Jimmy: "What do you do?" Charles: "May I iron your nose please?"
Do not imagine that Art is something which is designed to give gentle uplift and self-confidence. Art is not a brassiere. At least, not in the English sense. But do not forget that brassiere is the French word for life-jacket. -- Julian Barnes
For out of fear and need each religion is born, creeping into existence on the byways of reason. -- Friedrich Nietzsche, "Human, All Too Human"
"Love is a large slice of cheesecake in a vast purple fridge-freezer combo with one of those neat ice dispensers." -- Rando
Your fortune stateth: You had some happiness once, but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind.
In the depths of every heart, there is a tomb and a dungeon, though the lights, the music, and revelry above may cause us to forget their existence, and the buried ones, or prisoners whom they hide. -- Nathaniel Hawthorne, "The Haunted Mind"
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There's always one more bug.
I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, I am the very model of a modern Major-General. -- Gilbert &amp; Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance"
"Why did you turn me into a bison, anyways?" -- Tristan
Your fortune stateth: You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
An artist never really finishes his work, he merely abandons it. -- Paul Valery
"Would you rather eat poop, or a nice tuna sandwich?" -- Dana
"Fuck me he cleared it" -- Robin Hood
If in doubt, mumble.
"Because ssstupid,I can collapsse her under my bed afterwardss for easssy ssstorage purposesss." -- Andy, in a drunken frenzy, explaining why he really wants to have sex with a double jointed woman.
"We have mileage, yardage, and footage. Why don't we have inchage?" -- Casey
I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
"Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional." -- unknown
"In a nation ruled by swine, all pigs are upward mobile." -- Hunter S. Thompson
"I love acting. It is so much more real than life." -- Oscar Wilde
Thou hast seen nothing yet. -- Miguel de Cervantes
Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. -- Jules Feiffer
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. -- W. C. Fields
Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
"When you smell an odorless gas, it's carbon monoxide" -- A 10th grade high school exam answer
The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort!
Time is ani illusion, lunchtime doubly so -- Douglas Adams
"Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
"Why do we need a 'Hot Chicks Room'?" "Honey, you said the same thing about the microwave and look how much we use that sucker!" -- Upright Citizen's Brigade
LEARNING, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious. -- Ambrose Bierce
Hey, I'd be a good lawyer! (Pause) If I don't become a fashion model first. -- A comment blurted out in my history class
Mr. Goldenberg (teacher): Well, today's my thirty-first birthday... Danielle (student): Really? What's it like to be old? Mr. Goldenberg: I'll tell you when I get there. What's it like to be stupid?
But this *is* the simplified version for the general public!
You know how the greeks called excess pride "hubris"? I wonder what they called excess STUFF. [Moments later...] They probably just called it crap. -- Mel, while cleaning her room
Love cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. -- Dr. Karl Menninger
"The best pitch I ever heard about cocaine was back in the early eighties when a street dealer followed me down the sidewalk going: I got some great blow man. I got the stuff that killed Belushi." -- Denis Leary
The Republicans have a new healthcare proposal: Just say NO to illness! -- Mark Russell
Maintainer's Motto: If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
What I want to know is where the hell can you get a hotel room for $25.00? -- Larry
I can't believe my name is Deborah. -- Deborah
Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler.
"Ah! How sweet coffee tastes! Lovelier than a thousand kisses, sweeter far than muscatel wine! I must have coffee..." -- J. S. Bach
You're the puzzle piece behind that couch who makes the sky complete. -- Lemonheads
"This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys ..."
Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried. -- Mae West
"Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers." -- Leonard Brandwein
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking? -- Arlo Guthrie
This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. And now you know why.
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out." -- Steven Wright
It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now.
Anywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time. -- Steven Wright
I have no desire to prove anything by dancing. I have never used it as an outlet or a means of expressing myself. I just dance. I just put my feet in the air and move them around. -- Fred Astaire
Flugg's Law: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
The highest purpose is to have no purpose at all. This puts one in accord with nature, in her manner of operation. -- John Cage
Heaven, n.: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Many people genuinely do not wish to be saints, and it is possible that some who achieve or aspire to sainthood have never had much temptation to be human beings. -- George Orwell
REVERENCE, n. The spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a man. -- Ambrose Bierce
If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish. -- Chinese Proverb
Summer afternoon - summer afternoon; to me those have always been the two most beautiful words in the English language. -- Henry Jamese
Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
Armadillo: To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle
I who have been involved with all styles of painting can assure you that the only things that fluctuate are the waves of fashion which carry the snobs and speculators; the number of true connoisseurs remains more or less the same. -- Pablo Picasso
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives. -- John Stuart Mill
"Did you know that there are 1,872 tiles on that wall?" (I nodded my head slowly.) "Oh, of course you do. You've had this class before." -- Missy
Never volunteer for anything. -- Lackland
A narcissist is someone better-looking than you are. -- Gore Vidal
"I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers." -- Gandhi
"Uhhh I though you were Room 107 and you had my pizza! Yeah that's it!" -- Some fraternity guy who was most likely drunk, stoned, and/or a moron.
The charging restless mute unvoiced road keening in a seizure of tarpaulin power. -- Jack Kerouac
Your fortune stateth: Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
History has remembered the kings and warriors, because they destroyed; Art has remembered the people, because they created. -- William Morris
"Lori, you're the only Lori that I know that's exactly like the Lori that I know." -- Lauren, describing her friendship with Lori
"It's amazing what ordinary people can do if they set out without preconceived notions." -- Charles F. Kettering
I don't want realistic! I want magic! -- Tenessee Williams, "A Street Car Named Desire"
"If I'd had a normal life, I'd quite cheerfully go mad and fall over right now." -- Rich Beischer
May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little too early for anything you want to do. -- Jean-Paul Sartre
"The need of exercise is a modern superstition, invented by people who ate too much and had nothing to think about." -- George Santayana
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. -- Phil White
At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. -- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985
People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war or before an election. -- Otto von Bismarck
Okay I'm just trying to get my eye back together. -- Aviry altering a picture on the net
"Wanna see a magic trick? I close my eyes, and I can talk!" -- Brendan, age 4.
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. -- Robert Charles Benchley
Let us not be satisfied with just giving money. Money is not enough, money can be got, but they need your hearts to love them. So, spread your love everywhere you go. -- Mother Teresa
"The steady state of disks is full." -- Ken Thompson
Your fortune stateth: Be different: conform.
While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Your fortune stateth: You are going to have a new love affair.
God favors no group. Only religions do that. -- Bumper Sticker
It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" - (1976)
Jones's First Law: Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their original contribution.
There is absolutely no point in sitting around and feeling sorry for youself. The great power you have is to let go ... focus on what you have, no that which has been mean or unkindly removed. -- Minnie Driver
The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale.
I am interested in ideas, not merely in visual products. -- Marcel Duchamp
In response to the question "Are the eggs fresh?": "Hell no lady, they're freeze dried..."
Clerk: Okay, would you like me to put that in a bag for you? Don: No thanks, but could you put it in a bag?
"Lorena Bobbit only did what men do to each other all the time. She showed some jerk she meant business." -- Selena
And I alone am returned to wag the tail.
There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. -- Albert Einstein
Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; Und aller-mumsige Burggoven Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben. -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
I don't have a nose anymore and I'm perfectly happy. -- Stacy
"Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Bill Lambir. Lam-bir. Get it? LAMB and then BEER." -- Aaron
Loneliness the clearest of crystal insight into your own soul, its the fear of one's own self that haunts the lonely. -- Keith Haynie
"Danger: Retarded Pitt Bull High On Angel Dust." -- Sign on dorm room door at UVA
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
"Geometry with my Homies!!!" -- my geometry teacher
As I was passing Project MAC, I met a Quux with seven hacks. Every hack had seven bugs; Every bug had seven manifestations; Every manifestation had seven symptoms. Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, How many losses at Project MAC?
A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
John: "What day was it, Grandma?" Grandma Alice: "Oh you know, it was the other day before yesterday after tommorow."
"Usenet is a right, a left, a jab, and a sharp uppercut to the jaw. The postman hits! You have new mail." -- Ed Vielmetti
There's this invertebrate zoo-class. It's taught by some spineless wimp. -- M. Hartnett
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing he tells you.
Christina: "My parents called me and said they're having a huge snowstorm tonight." Meghan: "Are they inviting lots of guests?"
I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell.
Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
You would think that pot had some kind of power; I mean come on, it's a plant, not a reason for living. Controlled by a plant, how hilarious. A plant! A fucking plant! -- Henry Rollins
"I'm so high on life, I'm afraid of dying and having flashbacks." -- Bob Webb
Your face is like a bad country music song...BLEAAahhhhh! -- Amy, psycho ex-roommate.
I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
Your fortune stateth: You can rent this space for only $5 a week.
In such ugly times, the only true protest is beauty. -- Phil Ochs
"For non-deterministic read 'Inhabited by pixies.'" -- Anonymous
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre
"Wow, look at all those tool bars. It's like a regular Tool Time up there." -- John, about Jen's Excel screen
Never has there been a good war or a bad peace -- Benjamin Franklin
Eschew obfuscation.
Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity -- Graffiti
"Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind." -- Rudyard Kipling
"It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution." -- Oscar Wilde
Lord, let me always desire more then I think I can do. -- Michelangelo
There is nothing ugly; I never saw an ugly thing in my life: for let the form of an object be what it may, - light, shade, and perspective will always make it beautiful. -- John Constable, "Lecture"
"That hurts... never roll on the floor if you don't have much rolling room." -- Ellie
"You are not a beautiful, unique snowflake... This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time." -- Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club
"I think if we ever find a gateway to another universe we'll find that it's actually full of beer." -- Nat Jordan
We love because it's the only true adventure. -- Nikki Giovanni
"Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and everything else follows in the same way." -- Alan J. Perlis
So, if the operator dials "0" does she get a busy signal? -- Jeff Martin
"I just wish pain didn't hurt so much!" -- Jeffrey, wishing his headache would go away.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. -- Anthony Burgess
The more that is given the less people will work for themselves, and the less they work the more their poverty will increase. -- Leo Tolstoy
"Speak when you're angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret." -- Henry Ward Beecher
Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. "Confound those who have said our remarks before us." -- Aelius Donatus
"Dont bogart that can...man" -- Reality Bites
Life is like a simile.
I want to network every single human brain. -- Ron Urwongse
You don't want to be in the car with me when I'm alone. -- Derek B.
Devon: That's a cheap way to get a feel. Matt: What's a good way?
Lie down and listen to the crabgrass grow, the faucet leak, and learn to leave them so. -- Marya Mannes
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex. -- Aldous Huxley
I recognize in thieves, traitors and murderers, in the ruthless and the cunning, a deep beauty-a sunken beauty. -- Jean Genet, In Beauty
What did moths bump into before the electric light bulb was invented? Boy, the lightbulb really screwed the moth up didn't it? Are there moths on their way to the sun now going, "It's gonna be worth it!" -- Bill Hicks
An intellectual is a man who says a simple thing in a difficult way; an artist is a man who says a difficult thing in a simple way. -- Charles Bukowski, "Notes of a Dirty Old Man"
"Everything that can be said can be said clearly." -- Ludwig Wittgenstein
"She spends more time kneeling than the Pope." -- Jen, regarding a coworker who wore hot pants and crop tops to work in a factory, and who would bend over in front of every guy in the place and then make sure they were looking.
"Everyone who has a friend drinks. If you drink, you'll become pregnant. Does that mean that everyone who has a friend is pregnant?" -- Kelly
You can't shoot an idea. -- Thomas E. Dewey
A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs.
"It's really hard overturning the will of the people." -- Oregon State Senator Marilyn Shannon
"Language is a city to the building of which every human being brought a stone." -- Mark Twain
We run heedlessly into the abyss after putting something in front of us to stop us seeing it. -- Blaise Pascal, "Pensees"
I don't want to hear my brilliant T-bone turn into a sausage. -- English professor talking about something (I have no clue what).
In order to draw a limit to thinking, we should have to think both sides of this limit. -- Ludwig Wittgenstein
Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel. -- Boies Penrose, 1931
Your fortune stateth: Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner.
"usenet: it's not an obsession. it's just something I have to do ALL THE TIME." -- moxie@char.vnet.net
Progress however, of the best kind, is comparatively slow. Great results cannot be achieved at once; and we must be satisfied to advance in life as we walk, step by step. -- Samuel Smiles
The only thing we have to fear is fear it'self - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified, terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance -- Fdr - First Inaugural Address, March 4, 1933
Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh. -- George Bernard Shaw
Help me to resist temptation, Lord, especially when I know no one is looking. -- Anonymous
The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
Pig, n.: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a just man is also a prison." -- Henry David Thoreau
"You CAN'T be evil. 'Cos no matter how many 'bad' things you do on purpose, you MUST be doing it because you think it's the right thing to do." -- "Uncle" Ben
"Show me a hero and I will write you a tragedy." -- F. Scott Fitzgerald
"There ain't no rules around here, we're trying to accomplish something." -- Thomas Alva Edison
Maybe a long life does have to be filled with many unpleasant conditions, if it's to seem long. But in that event, who wants one. -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
"I've been noticing that short people have big teeth." -- Melissa
Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.
Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. Life is the other way round. -- David Lodge, The British Museum is Falling Down
Love means to love that which is unlovable; or it is no virtue at all. -- G. K. Chesterton
It's go "forward". Don't ever say "straight" to me, woman. -- Kate
"The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken." -- Samuel Johnson
What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them? -- Roger von Oech
In the aftermath of betrayal, we often have to struggle to maintain our grip on reality. survival requires a source of self-respect, self-awareness, and self-honesty. we have to find a balance point before reaching out again. -- Trial
I base my fashion sense on what doesn't itch. -- Gilda Radner
Knowledge is power. -- Francis Bacon
"At least if she was a keyboard, we could touch her." -- Ken, about Jen
It is possible to store the mind with a million facts and still be entirely uneducated. -- Alec Bourne
The first clergyman was the first rascal who met the first fool. -- Voltaire
"Don't you want to join us?" I was recently asked by an acquaintance when he ran across me alone after midnight in a coffeehouse that was already almost deserted. "No, I don't," I said. -- Franz Kafka
Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
"The end of the universe is near. Please log off." -- Heard over the P.A. at work. (Universe is one of our networks.)
Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
"We all learn by experience but some of us have to go to summer school." -- Peter De Vries
I'm still perplexed about my socks. -- Joe
"Regardless of the legal speed limit, your Buick must be operated at speeds faster than 85 MPH (140kph)." -- 1987 Buick Grand National owners manual.
Some authors should be paid by the quantity NOT written. -- Anonymous
Man is nothing else but what he makes of himself. Such is the first principle of existentialism. -- Jean-Paul Sarte, "Existentialism"
Right about this time, some shithead is blowing a big fat fucking line across the title on the backsleave...WHAT AN ASSHOLE! -- Nofx
Finagle's Creed: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching train.
MERCHANT, n. One engaged in a commercial pursuit. A commercial pursuit is one in which the thing pursued is a dollar. -- Ambrose Bierce
There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm. -- Willa Cather, "The Song of the Lark"
If the grass is green, don't eat it. Humans can't digest cellulose. -- Kelly
A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant.
"some people drink, and some don't; some people like to smoke a bowl, and some don't. Some people do and some people don't but it's ok 'cause it was ment to be that way." -- Dave Mathews
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your face. -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
I know nothing about sex, because I was always married. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Me: Hi there, I want to make an appointment to get my car fixed. Teller Lady: Alright, what kind of car is it? Me: It's a 1997 Ford Contour. Teller: And what's the year of your car?
"Innovation is hard to schedule." -- Dan Fylstra
A rolling stone gathers no moss. -- Publilius Syrus
Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not nailed down. -- Collis P. Huntingdon
"Life is too important to take seriously." -- Corky Siegel
"What are you talking about, my random friend?" -- Jess R. to Sarah G.
It has been said that art is a tryst, for in the joy of it maker and beholder meet. -- Kojiro Tomita
What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
Basic research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. -- Wernher Von Braun
"Ba'hai temple... I think I'll build one next to it, and I'll call it the Ba'bye temple." -- Colleen to Karin
Gimme some sugar baby! -- Army Of Darkness
Jeremy: "But giraffes aren't belligerent!" Paul: "Yeah, but if you rubber-banded them to something they might be!"
Art is a deliberate recreation of a new and special reality that grows from your response to life. It cannot be copied; it must be created. -- Anonymous
"It was just a .22." -- J.D. Sanchez, after shooting at his cousin and a friend with a .22 gauge rifle.
Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. XXXX I AM HERE
I was heartbroken when I heard about all those people in the chernobyl nuclear meltdown. It would be kind of cool to have kids with two glowing heads, though. -- Jack Handey
The best teacher is the one who suggests rather than dogmatizes, and inspires his listener with the wish to teach himself. -- Edward Bulwer-Lytton
Your fortune stateth: Don't plan any hasty moves.  You'll be evicted soon anyway.
Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
HELP! Man trapped in a human body!
'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. -- Samuel Butler
I've lived to long with pain. I won't know who I am without it. -- Orson Scott Card, "Ender's Game"
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.... -- Carl Zwanzig
Your fortune stateth: Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
"Such is the audacity of man, that he hath learned to counterfeit nature, yea, and is so bold as to challenge her in her work." -- Pliny The Elder
Be sure to live your life, because you are a long time dead. -- Scottish Proverb
When Michelangelo finished the painting of the Sistine Chapel's ceiling, he spent the rest of his life trying to remove the paint that had poured into his sleeve. -- Francois Cavanna
You'd be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap. -- Dolly Parton
When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
I plan to accumulate as many shoes as Imelda Marcos while cultivating an aura of virtue exceeding that of Mother Theresa. -- Seen in a .signature file
Never eat more than you can lift. -- Miss Piggy
"I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: 'I wanna know your name.'" -- Mik Binder
"Damn all expurgated books; the dirtiest book of all is the expurgated book." -- Walt Whitman
"Call on God, but row away from the rocks." -- Indian proverb
"Oh, I'm going to town to visit my lady, my lady so sweet and chaste... chased by the men, chased by the dogs, chased...." -- Jacob, making up an impromptu song while driving home.
Your fortune stateth: Don't Worry, Be Happy. -- Meher Baba
Your fortune stateth: Advancement in position.
I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming that I have never made one. -- James Gordon Bennett
"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him." -- John Barrymore's dying words
Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action. -- Benjamin Disraeli
"Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it." -- Anonymous
"The trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music stops." -- Sir Robert Helpmann - choreographer
(this was heard at the Pike Place Market in Seattle) "So, your fish are really fresh?" "Well, they're pretty well-behaved, actually." [ouch.]
A man must dream a long time in order to act with grandeur, and dreaming is nursed in darkness. -- Jean Genet
"Abstract art: a product of the untalented sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered." -- Al Capp
For every virtue that exists there's a corresponding derogatory term used by those who don't share it. -- Keith Ammann
Experience is the name every one gives his mistakes. -- Elbert Hubbard
Don't get even -- get odd!
"Only take a half a point off. It must have been a brain fart." -- Mrs. W's response to a student's stupid mistake on a test.
"Excuse me sir, but in the event of a crash, do these seats float?" -- Jess, asking a cabin steward if the entire SEAT (not just the cushion) would float after a crash.
"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere."
FAITH, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel. -- Ambrose Bierce
"Your friends will know you better in the first moment you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a lifetime" -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
Your fortune stateth: Your love life will be... interesting.
He who laughs last is probably your boss.
When a particular kind of feeling is dominant in certain epochs, the distribution of certain "modes" creates what is known later as style -- Amedee Ozenfant
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. -- George Santayana
We never reflect how pleasant it is to ask for nothing. -- Seneca
An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation.
Lockwood's Long Shot: The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't one in a million, but once would be enough.
"Whenever people agree with me, I always think I must be wrong." -- Oscar Wilde
With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once build a nuclear balm?
If happiness could be brought, few of us could pay the price. -- Anonymous
To win the battle is to be prepared to die. -- Musashi Miyamoto
Techies would rather get syphilis than be managers. -- Bryan
You want to sleep with her next time? -- Gawain Roderick Anderson, age 3, generously, after being asked by his dad, how he enjoyed spending the night with his visiting Godmother.
"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation." -- Oscar Wilde
"The main difference between men and women is that men are lunatics and women are idiots." -- Rebecca West
Familiarity breeds attempt
"You're bound to be unhappy if you optimize everything." -- Donald E. Knuth
"Ah, the curiosity of youth. On the road to ruin! May it ever be so adventurous!" -- _Orgy of the Dead_
I really don't care about nothing at all, but I think the world of you -- All , "I Think The World"
Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy-- the mother. -- Claudette Colbert
Your fortune stateth: If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
"Belief is not the beginning but the end of all knowledge." -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Leibowitz's Rule: When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
If we do not believe in freedom of speech for those we despise we do not believe in it at all. -- Noam Chomsky
Democracy [is] when the indigent, and not the men of property, are the rulers. -- Aristotle
"Woman was God's second mistake." -- Friedrich Nietzsche
In life men seek to things, exceptance and meaning, while finding only exceptance one can never find meaning, but when one seeks meaning he will be excepted -- Robbie Mcdonald
To err is human, but when the eraser wears out before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little.
So I said to myself-I'll paint what I see-what the flower is to me but I'll paint it big and they will be surprised into taking the time to look at it. I will make even busy New Yorkers take time to see what I see of flowers. -- Georgia O'Keeffe
"He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt." -- J. Heller
-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony.
An artist cannot speak about his art any more than a plant can discuss horticulture. -- Jean Cocteau
You can have anything you want in this life, as long as you help enough other people get what they want. -- Zig Ziggler
'Factory refurbished' -- does that mean it's junk? -- Mike Limrick, inquiring about a "factory refurbished" Zip drive he saw in a catalog.
"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away". -- Philip K. Dick
"If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one." -- John Galsworthy
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases. -- Anonymous
I'm not afraid of computers, they're defenseless. -- Thom Yorke
Uh-Oh, I've lost a button-hole -- Steven Wright
Just as iron rusts from disuse, even so does inaction spoil the intellect. -- Leonardo Da Vinci
Art is a half-effaced recollection of a higher state from which we have fallen since the time of Eden. -- Saint Hildegarde
When you make a mistake, don't look back at it long. Take the reason of the thing into your mind and then look forward. Mistakes are lessons of wisdom. The past cannot be changed. The future is yet in your power. -- Hugh White
Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations.
"THE MOON IS ON FIRE!!!" -- Corey DeHart, on a sunny day in Washington.
The truth is more important than the facts. -- Frank Lloyd Wright
One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other -- Jane Austen (1775-1817)
"Brevity is the soul of lingerie." -- Dorothy Parker
Ha,ha. Missed both my legs. -- Rick
Life obliges me to do something, so I paint. -- Rene Magritte
Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious. -- Oscar Wilde
"Puritanism -- The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy." -- H. L. Mencken
Me: Hey kiddo, would you like pizza for dinner? Cassie (age 3): Yes! Yay! I'm gonna eat feces!!!
Guide to understanding a net.addict's day:  Slow day: didn't have much to do, so spent three hours on usenet. Busy day: managed to work in three hours of usenet. Bad day: barely squeezed in three hours of usenet. -- Anonymous
"OK, now that you're all logged on to the computers, I want you to log out and then use the programs." -- Wally DeBord (a.k.a. DeReallyBored), the worst Internet teacher you ever can have.
"For forms of government, let fools contest... what e're's best administered, is best." -- Alexander Pope
42
Angela: "I need one of those 'Beware of God' signs." Kate: "'Beware of God', honey?" Angela: "God, dog.... same difference"
All growth is a leap in the dark, a spontaneous unpremeditated act without the benefit of experience. -- Henry Miller
"I say kill 'em, if that doesn't work kill 'em again." -- Will "Tool" Rodgers, playing a character in a Star Wars RPG
"Reading maketh a full man, conference a ready man, and writing an exact man." -- Francais Bacon
Either way you turn I'll be there. Open up your skull, I'll be there climbing up the walls. -- Radiohead
"My lemon merengue pie has phasmically coagulated!" -- a member of the Radford Role-Players Guild
"By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy, and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher." -- Socrates
-- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin.
If a man cannot choose, he ceases to be a man. -- Anthony Burgess, "A Clockwork Orange "
Information Center, n.: A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today.
"2,400,000 Americans play the accordian - hopefully not at the same time." -- Inside of a Pepsi cap
"Mom, can I have some breakfast dessert?" -- Ellie
Your fortune stateth: You will be run over by a bus.
Its like a finger, pointing at the moon. if you stare at the finger, you miss all the heavenly glory -- Bruce Lee Enter The Dragon
"The only interesting answers are those which destroy the questions." -- Susan Sontag
"Usenet is distributed network anarchy at its best -- or worst, depending on what is posted on any particular day." -- David Fiedler
-- Neophyte's serendipity.
But why think about that when all the golden land's ahead of you and all kinds of unforeseen events wait lurking to surprise you and make you glad you're alive to see? -- Jack Kerouac
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
That's it! I'm going to the comittee. Today is now under protest. -- Brian
"At this point you just wind up the B.S. doll and see what come out!" -- Merritt Gardner (Goshen College math prof.) on what to do when you get stumped in a proof
Vote anarchist
Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
Proof by funding: How could three different government agencies be wrong?
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
This is an art course, not a religion course. -- Actual comment from the prof on my friend's Art History exam
Hire the morally handicapped.
"Democracy means government by the uneducated, while aristocracy means government by the badly educated." -- G.K. Chesterton
"My dear teacher, I will say it once more, emphatically: Bangladesh!" -- Ryan Patterson
Even a stopped clock is right twice a day. -- Anonymous
"In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable." -- Winston Curchill, of Montgomery
"I'm a genetic mutant." -- Dan Aykroyd
A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work by being declared to work. -- Anatol Holt
"Next person to lie has to leave the tip." -- Matt Maher
Wisdom is the supreme part of happiness. -- Sophocles
Love is merely a maddness. -- William Shakespeare
The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the `social sciences' is: some do, some don't. -- Ernest Rutherford
From the hour you're born you begin to die. But between birth and death there's life. -- Simone de Beauvoir, "All Men Art Mortal"
Your fortune stateth: Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
Your fortune stateth: You love peace.
RATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection. -- Ambrose Bierce
"Leave me alone. I have to wake up in 15 minutes." -- Heather, after a really long night.
If you have to name it, you're not using it enough. -- Jeremy Garber
Words not only affect us temporarily; they change us, they socialize or unsocialize us. -- David Riesman
Hanlon's Razor:"Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity. -- Anonymous
"And is the dog's name SATAN!?" -- a crazy old lady I work with
"Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
If we don't believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don't believe in it at all. -- Noam Chomsky
"Tell them it's to go." -- Mama Rea at the drive-thru window of McDonald's.
NEWS FLASH!! Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West German pole-vault champion.
Is this the end of everything? Fifteen minutes later and oh, how I've changed. -- Rainer Maria Rilke
"Some people think that finding a penny is a sign of good luck. Others view it as being one cent closer to World Domination! -- Joe Ely Carrales, III
Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so. -- John Stuart Mill
Me: Hey guys, don't forget to take the toothpicks out! Classmate: (munch munch) Toothpicks? What toothpicks?!?
"I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating." -- Boss Tweed
"We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience." -- George Bernard Shaw
"What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know." -- Jack Handy
Don't wipe your hands on a National Geographic. -- Yoko
"Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting someone else to do the work.' -- John G. Pollard
Any slogan simple enough to fit in a .sig is too simple to do any good.
Poetry is the record of the best and happiest moments of the happiest and best minds. -- Percy Bysshe Shelley
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
Every mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than she managed to do...but she's certain that her boy will never get as great a wife as his father did. -- Anonymous
"A witty saying proves nothing." -- Voltaire
"The melancholy truth was that his glorious golden head had nothing in it." -- Cecil Woodham Smith
Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.
If you want to have clean ideas, change them as often as you change your shirts. -- Francis Picabia
In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. -- H. L. Mencken
The body politic, as well as the human body, begins to die as soon as it is born, and carries in itself the causes of its destruction. -- Jean Jacques Rousseau
It's funny how the colors of the real world only seem really real when you viddy them on the screen. -- Alex Delarge, "A Clockwork Orange"
"I did not mean to eat his foot." -- After eating too much of a gingerbread man.
"Why be a man when you can be a success?" -- Bertold Brecht
What is the purpose of the giant sequoia tree? The purpose of the giant sequoia tree is to provide shade for the tiny titmouse. -- Edward Abbey
Karen (talking to her car): Hey, quit that, damn car! Matt (in the passenger's seat): I'm not a damn car! Karen: Hey, quit that, damn Matt!
You can't beat me! I'm medicated! -- Me, after takling my alergy medicine
Some men are born with cold feet; some acquire cold feet; and some have cold feet thrust upon them. -- Anonymous
It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color. -- Voltaire
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. -- Anonymous
"You can't eat a winner's plaque." -- Miles Davis, on his years as a young aspiring genius in N.Y. - he got noticed, he was praised, but he didn't get too many actual jobs.
M: I'm going to Europe this summer. T: You're going to be sure and go to Italy, aren't you? M: No, Italy doesn't interest me much. T: But you want to see the Sistine Chapel, don't you? M: Why? I'm not Catholic.
Apparent failure may hold in its rough shell the germs of a success that will blossom in time, and bear fruit throughout eternity. -- Frances Ellen Watkins Harper
BIGOT, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain. -- Ambrose Bierce
"Fear is the parent of cruelty." -- James Anthony Froude
"We have an open relationship. I can date other men, and he can date his computer." -- Sofia
"I didn't understand this at first, but YOUR CONVINCING USE OF CAPITAL LETTERS HAS MADE IT ALL CLEAR TO ME." -- J. Nairn
You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
Your fortune stateth: You are confused; but this is your normal state.
Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
"We have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night." -- Epitaph of two astronomers
If one is not half mad how can one give birth to a dancing star? -- Nietzsche
"I could talk about getting on my bike and riding it to the moon, but it ain't gonna happen." -- Larry, after his trig teacher said we have to talk about imaginary numbers.
There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. -- Dr. Who
Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it.Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it.Hatred darkens life; love illumines it. -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
"My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
"If you are looking for someone who cares, here is my phonecard." -- Andrew Morris
"It isn't premarital sex if you don't get married." -- Michael Juster
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. -- James Branch Cabell, The Silver Stallion
Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Goto, n.: A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers. -- Ray Simard
"Bob hates you all" -- message on a sidewalk in Boston
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. -- Oscar Wilde
"You might meet a garbage man and you might want to be... I don't know, a Garbologist." -- Rich, trying to cheer up my roommate after she was dumped.
"Dare to be naive." -- Richard Buckminster Fuller
"Freedom is just chaos with better lighting." -- Alan Dean Foster
If all fools, wise men, rich men, poor men, greedy men, humble men, selfish men, altruistic men, and neutral men in the world were killed, anarchy might actually be able to exist. -- Philip Musial
FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....
"The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency." -- Albert Einstein
"Eternity's a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?" -- Tom Stoppard - Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead
Impartial, adj.: Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
I always wanted to be commander in chief of my one woman army -- Ani_difranco(Not_so_soft)
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
Mrs. Wagner: "I see. Then what do you do?" Ellie: "Stick a fish in your ear!" (Mrs. Wagner was Ellie's Anthropology teacher, and she was being weird, so Ellie was acting weirder.)
Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them. -- Marquis de Flers Robert and Arman de Caillavet
"Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much." -- Anonymous
Your fortune stateth: Save energy: be apathetic.
Where there is sorrow, there is holy ground. -- Oscar Wilde
Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair. -- George Burns
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. -- H. L. Mencken
If I have to be pulled into one more store with ANYTHING purple or fuzzy, I will kill each of you one by one. -- Mark at the mall with the girls.
Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow! -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
Main's Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
I bet if you reached total enlightenment while drinking beer, it would make beer squirt out your noise. -- Jack Handey
You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do. -- Olin Miller
"He who desires, but acts not, breeds pestilence." -- William Blake
"You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
Hmmm...this crew gets along well, works efficiently, they even kinda like each other ... we can fix that! -- "Uncle" Ben, in reference to the management at his job
President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting. -- The Washington Post
Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef. -- Tom Robbins
Drugs are a bet with the mind -- Jim Morrison
"If I had to choose between skim milk and death... I'd choose death." -- Carol Ann Langton, while pouring whole milk into her afternoon tea
"Ninety percent of everything is crap." -- Theodore Sturgeon
"This is my 'the other me' outfit." -- Ellie
God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. -- Kronecker
To see a World in a Grain of Sand And a Heaven in a Wild Flower Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand And Eternity in an hour. -- William Blake
Your fortune stateth: You have the body of a 19 year old.  Please return it before it gets wrinkled.
That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria! -- Calvin
"Maybe we could put a giant cock outside his door." -- Sue, whose grasp of English idiom was somewhat more tenuous than her grasp of the language itself, suggesting how we might wake up a slothful floormate.
When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look like a nail.
"PEACE, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting." -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
I can't read, but by God, he took my cow! -- Mr. Hartly, trying, somewhat unsuccessfully, to convey the anger of Stalinist peasants.
"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never came back."
There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. -- Mark Twain
Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
"I do not believe the expenditure of $2.50 for a book entitles the purchaser to the personal friendship of the author." -- Evelyn Waugh
I don't drink anymore, but I don't drink any less. -- Nad
Your fortune stateth: Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
Evil is obvious only in retrospect. -- Gloria Steinem, "Outrageous Acts and Everyday Rebellion"
Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. -- George Clemenceau
"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile." -- Karl Lehenbauer
"Don't bring candy to class unless you have enough for everyone. Or at least for me." -- Mrs. Spray
Children are natural mimics: they act like their parents in spite of every attempt to teach them good manners. -- Anonymous
I exist, therefore I am paid.
American audiences are just the same as any other audiences. Except a bit more boring. -- Sid Vicious
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it by not dying! -- Woody Allen
We do not necessarily improve with age: for better or worse, we become more like ourselves. -- Peter Hall
Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, Their indices bedecked from one to n, Commingled in an endless Markov chain! -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
"I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors." -- Austin
"You are sitting on the breath of a long and crazy sentence." -- J Ryan Stradal
Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
"#3535. Contemporaneous exposition is in general the best." -- California Civil Code, "Maxims of Jurisprudence"
The Jews, the Muslims and the Christians, They've all got it wrong. The people of the world only divide into two kinds, One sort with brains who hold no religion, The other with religion and no brain. -- Abu-al-Ala al-Marri, 10th century Syrian poet
"When all your dreams turn to dust... VACUUM!!" -- Sign above a vacuum repair shop.
It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted. -- Aeschylus
"Let's go over to their house, go up to their door... and just... stand there." -- Joey D., trying to think of a prank to play on some girls from school.
Have no fear of perfection, you'll never reach it. -- Salvador Dali
The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop.
Style can make complicated things seems simple, or simple things complicated -- Jean Cocteau
"Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live there?" -- Herb Caen
It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
"It is my ambition to say in ten sentences what others say in a whole book." -- Friedrich Nietzsche
We want to be the best and the coolest, but we'll have to knock down Rush first -- David Lovering
Change is not merely necessary to life, it is life. -- Alvin Toffler
I threw the plant across the room because it was attacking some old people in a boat, and I thought it was going to come after me next. -- Jes (The boat was in a picture in my bathroom).
At a poster sale: Katherine: Look, the Baby-Sitter's CLub! MK: Uh, Katherine, that's the Breakfast Club.
You'll never catch me walking down the street carrying the head of a snowman! -- Karen
I do not think much of a man who is not wiser today than he was yesterday. -- Abraham Lincoln
"Last night I did my history homework with a big pencil." -- Missy
Jen: "Why didn't you tell us you were going to Philadelphia to visit a guy?" Ken: "Because I didn't want you to think I'm gay." Paul: "But we already thought you were gay."
Broad-mindedness, n.: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
"Friends are just enemies I haven't made yet." -- Victor
Ankh if you love Isis.
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
How come people always flip and think they're Jesus? Why not Buddha? Particularly in America, where more people resemble Buddha than Jesus. 'Ah'm BUDDHA!' 'You're Bubba!' 'Ah'm Buddha now..All I gotta do is change 3 letters on ma belt...' -- Bill Hicks
Ellie: We need to go to the men's hangy things. Melissa: Men's hangy things? Ellie: You know what I mean. Melissa: No I don't and I don't want to either.
"It is better to prevent crimes than to punish them." -- Cesare Bonesana di Beccaria
"We shape our buildings, and forever afterwards our buildings shape us." -- Winston Churchill
If the human body's obscene, complain to the manufacturer, not me -- Larry Flynt
Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.
Boneless beef bottom sirloin butt-ball tips!!! -- in big letters on a cardboard box found along the railroad tracks.
A guilty conscience is the mother of invention. -- Carolyn Wells
"The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator." -- Bill Lawrence
"A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard." -- Prof. Steiner
When one tugs at a single thing in nature, he finds it attached to the rest of the world. -- John Muir
Removing the straw that broke the camel's back does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again.
"This is a free country, madam. We have the right to share your privacy in a public place." -- Peter Ustinov - British actor
We never know the worth of water till the well is dry. -- English Proverb
"It's psychological; they're psycho, and it's not logical." -- Paul (trying to explain why the back rows of the audience always cough first when there's smoke onstage.)
"America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up." -- Oscar Wilde
Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it had merely been detected. -- Oscar Wilde
My nose feels like a baked potato. -- Jill
"I wonder what they'd do if a whole herd of buffalo fell asleep on a road. Or a whole herd of anything for that matter. Except ants. If it were ants, they'd just run right over them. But the point is, buffalo sleep standing up." -- Mary
"We are all mortal until the first kiss and the second glass of wine." -- Eduardo Galeano
Your fortune stateth: Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
Jesus Saves, Moses Invests, But only Buddha pays Dividends.
Your fortune stateth: You're not my type.  For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
The artist is a receptacle for emotions that come from all over the place: from the sky, from the earth, from a scrap of paper, from a passing shape, from a spider's web. -- Pablo Picasso
In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in the proper order then why can't he?
Desist from enumerating your fowl prior to their emergence from the shell.
Praise the sea; on shore remain. -- John Florio
"I don't want to look any more gay than I already am." -- Mark, explaining why he didn't want to get his nails done.
History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
Turnaucka's Law: The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
Your fortune stateth: Beware of low-flying butterflies.
Nothing will make you feel more alive than wishing you were dead. -- Becky
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. -- Napoleon Bonaparte
Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color. Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense, and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable. -- Anonymous
What should young people do with their lives today? Many things, obviously. But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured. -- Kurt Vonnegut
Boy, that crayon sure did hurt!
Honi soit qui mal y pense. [Evil to him who evil thinks.] -- Motto of the Order of the Garter (est. Edward III)
Newlan's Truism: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
If "Moby Dick" had been written from Captain Ahab's point of view, would the opening sentence have been, "Call me Fishmeal"? -- Stanley Anderson, to his wife Angelee.
"...how many fates turn around in the overtime? ballerinas that have fins that you'll never find. you thought that you were the bomb yeah well so did I" -- Tori
Sculpture is the best comment that a painter can make on painting. -- Pablo Picasso
"The state calls its own violence law, but that of the individual crime." -- Max Stirner
Yesterday I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I don't know. -- Groucho Marx
Mankind makes living contradictory. -- Anonymous
That's right-ee, Aphrodite! -- Mike
You can never lose what you never had. -- Dican
"The eternal mystery of the world is its comprehensibility." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
What is real is not the external form, but the essence of things . . . it is impossible for anyone to express anything essentially real by imitating its exterior surface. -- Constantin Brancusi
My trig teacher, Mr. Seiler: "Round this up and what do you get?" Skip: "Another day older and deeper in debt?"
Arthur Dent hoped and prayed there wasn't an afterlife. Then, realizing the contradiction, he merely hoped there wasn't an afterlife. -- Douglas Adams
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand. -- Anonymous
Swastikas and klan-robes. sexist, racist, homophobes. aryan-nations and hammerskins: you can wear my nuts on your nazi chins! god, i love a man in uniform! -- Propagandhi
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
ARENA, n. In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the statesman wrestles with his record. -- Ambrose Bierce
First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary.
"Prepare for DISMISSAL!!!" -- Mr. Milotz, high school physics teacher.
"Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class managemnt." -- Senator Soaper
"Your ass is grass and I'm the lawn mower." -- Mr. Horowitz "Oh, yeah? Well, bite me" -- One of us to Mr. Horowitz
(Our physics class has just finished watching a video in which a stuffed monkey gets hit by a projectile.) Mike P.: Can we watch that again, Father? Father M.: No, we can only kill him once a year.
Your fortune stateth: You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
Ass, n.: The masculine of "lass".
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.
Adolescence, n.: The stage between puberty and adultery.
"I'm bisexual ... in theory." --Thad E.
"Wow...cafeteria Nirvana..." -- Michelle Zalas, staring at a multicolored lasagna
"Hey guys... look at me... I smell funny!" -- Jaye ("Parky") on IRC, where we could neither see nor smell him.
Editing is a rewording activity.
An artist cannot fail; it is a success to be one. -- Charles Horton Cooley
Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease. -- Colin Greene
As music is the poetry of sound, so is painting the poetry of sight and the subject-matter has nothing to do with harmony of sound or of color. -- James Mcneill Whistler
"Oh boy sleep! That's where I'm a viking!" -- Ralph Wiggum
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing.
But the graffiti doesn't have to be a penis. It can be the alien word for bitch. Or fat bitch. Or dumb fat bitch. -- Upright Citizens Brigade
It's obvious that we've entered new territory, never before reached by scoopers. -- Rudi Goldman, on acid
Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
Leaves of inquisitevness floating on winds of doubt fall on an ignorant ground. -- Scott Steen
"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door." -- Milton Burle
CF&C stole it, fair and square. -- Tim Hahn
Hey, did you know they have the internet for computers now? -- Homer
"Turn that thing off. It ruins the taste of Twinkies." -- 6th Grade Student at Hodgekins Middle School, Westminster, CO, about the demonstration of a transistor radio during lunch.
Any training that does not include the emotions, mind and body is incomplete; knowledge fades without feeling. -- Anonymous
Multimedia? As far as I'm concerned, it's reading with the radio on! -- Rory Bremner
"Everybody winds up kissing the wrong person good night." -- Andy Warhol
-- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
I love you. You bring me cheese. May God be with you, my child. -- A drunken Kate, after a friend brought her string cheese.
Oh, when I was in love with you, Then I was clean and brave, And miles around the wonder grew How well did I behave. And now the fancy passes by, And nothing will remain, And miles around they'll say that I Am quite myself again. -- A. E. Housman
Your fortune stateth: You're at the end of the road again.
People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost. -- H. Jackson Brown Jr.
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
If a trainstation is where the train stops, what's a workstation...? -- Anonymous
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure. -- Oliver Herford
Your fortune stateth: You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)
"I only wished for one of the candles to stay lit!" -- 5-year-old Kayla, crying after blowing out the candles on her birthday cake.
Your fortune stateth: Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
The frog does not drink up the pond in which it lives -- Indian proverb
Do be do be do. -- Frank Sinatra
"We must remember the First Amendment, which protects any shrill jackass, no matter how self-seeking." -- F.G. Withington
There is nothing which at once affects a man so much and so little as his own death. -- Samuel Butler
Most of the change we think we see in life is due to truths being in and out of favour. -- Robert Frost
There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written. -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. -- Anonymous
"You wear nothingthing- but you wear it so well" -- Dave Mathews Band
Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of a brand new series of three.
Prof: "So what's wrong with the astronomer in this poem? He thinks he can control the weather, which is wrong. I control the weather." [Later, as class was ending...] Student: "So can we have snow for Christmas?" Prof: "I'll work on it."
The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with symposium to follow.
Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ...
If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
A snake lurks in the grass. -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
What if no one ever asked a hypothetical question?
Artists, by definition innocent, don't steal. But they do borrow without giving back. -- Ned Rorem
There's room at the top, they are telling you still. But First you must learn to smile as you kill. -- John Lennon, "Working Class Hero"
I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out. -- David Sedaris, "Naked"
Your fortune stateth: Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
DISCRIMINATE, v.i. To note the particulars in which one person or thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another. -- Ambrose Bierce
"I have an unnatural obsession with that number." -- Ellie
Your fortune stateth: Are you making all this up as you go along?
"Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy." -- Anonymous
"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows." -- Yiddish saying
TJ: Tell me, do I look fat? D: Depends on how you spell it.
The first duty of love is to listen. -- Paul Tillich
"I don't just take off my clothes for no reason.... there's always a purpose behind it." -- Brooke
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all. -- Samuel Butler, "The Way of All Flesh"
Your fortune stateth: You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. -- Isaac Asimov
Drawing and color are not separate at all; in so far as you paint, you draw. The more color harmonizes, the more exact the drawing becomes. When the color achieves richness, the form attains its fullness also -- Paul Cezanne
"Why do I have my fingers in this monkey's ears?" -- Kate
A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
"If the shoe fits, it's probably someone else's." -- Jason Parker
Art is contemplation. It is the pleasure of the mind which searches into nature and which there divines the spirit of which Nature herself is animated. -- Auguste Rodin
Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
A reading is a kind of communion. The poet articulates the semi-known for the tribe. -- Gary Snyder
PREHISTORIC, adj. Belonging to an early period and a museum. Antedating the art and practice of perpetuating falsehood. -- Ambrose Bierce
Housework can kill you if done right. -- Erma Bombeck
When I meet people from other cultures I know that they too want happiness and do not want suffering, this allows me to see them as brothers and sisters. -- Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gyatso
"Keep breathing." -- Sephie Tucker - Russian singer and vaudeville star - Reply at age 80 when asked the secret of her longevity
(16-year-old reaches across her father's plate to get gravy...) Father: "You have a tounge, don't you?" (3-year-old starts giggling) Father: "What's so funny?" 3-year-old: "Daddy, she can't reach it with her tongue."
Sure, 90% of science fiction is crud. That's because 90% of everything is crud. -- Theodore Sturgeon
Money is like manure; it's not worth a thing unless it's spread around encouraging young things to grow. -- Thornton Wilder, "The Matchmaker"
Your fortune stateth: A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
Greener's Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
What is this? Are we back in Nazi Germany? You all act like a bunch of Hitlers! Some of you even look like Hitler. Joe smells like Hitler. And Barney Rigley the postmaster colonel, he sneezes like Hitler. -- Upright Citizens Brigade
"I think the constant rain drives them out from underneath the rocks." -- offered as a possible theory by Shay as to why there are so many idiots in Seattle.
"Money is always there, but the pockets change." -- Gertrude Stein
AMAZING BUT TRUE ... There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
Most people do not consider dawn to be an attractive experience - unless they are still up. -- Ellen Goodman
Your fortune stateth: There was a phone call for you.
Buying on trust is the way to pay double. -- Anonymous
Your fortune stateth: There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
"People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading." -- Logan Pearsall Smith
"Have you ever seen a chimpanzee's butt? It's not a pretty sight." -- Max
How good would it be to pick up girls when they're already naked? -- Overheard in Carmichael dining hall, Tufts University.
In the schoolhouse, we have the heart of the whole society. -- Henry Golden
"Irony is the hygiene of the mind." -- Elizabeth Bibesco
Now that I am a Christian I do not have moods in which the whole thing looks very improbable: but when I was an atheist I had moods in which Christianity looked terribly probable. -- C.S. Lewis
"Hey, you have ketchup! I thought you said you didn't have any food!" -- Julie
"Science is nothing but developed perception, interpreted intent, common sense rounded out and minutely articulated." -- George Santayana
We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. -- Whole Earth Catalog
Drop that pickle!
"It's too bad that even an idiot pedestrian has the right of way." -- Jessica
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." -- Jackie Mason
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. -- Elvis Presley
"You've got more money than Bo Jackson" -- Brad
"Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary." -- Frank L. Visco, How to Write Good
Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. -- Miguel de Cervantes
"Please keep your hands on the Goddess." -- at the amusement park (Goddess is one of their rides.)
Mankind is like dogs, not gods--as long as you dont get mad they'll bite you--but stay mad and you'll never be bitten. Dogs dont respect humility & sorrow. -- Jack Kerouac
If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
Langsam's Laws: 1) Everything depends. 2) Nothing is always. 3) Everything is sometimes.
Your fortune stateth: You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.
"We're pretty informal here at Southwest. It's just like a big bus with wings." -- Southwest Airlines gate check-in guy
To see what is in front of one's nose needs a constant struggle. -- George Orwell
"How do you spell the word for the round thing on your neck?" -- Mmmbop
"There was never a genius without a tincture of madness." -- Aristotle
There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage -- Martin Luther
"The only mystery about the cat is why it ever decided to become a domesticated animal." -- Compton MacKenzie
Polution all around sumtimes up sumtimes down but allways around pollution are you comming to my town or am i coming to yours were on different busses pollution but were both using petrol........bombs -- Rick
"Careful with fire" is good advise we know. "Careful with words" is ten times doubly so. -- William Carleton
Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
"I don't make mistakes -- I do theater!" -- Dennis Fox, director at Ohio University Eastern, during a rehearsal for "Our Town".
"The most happy marriage I can picture or imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman." -- Samuel Tayler Coleridge
Do YOU have redeeming social value?
"So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence." -- Bertrand Russell
To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered. -- Voltaire
Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing. -- R. Geis
Do not try to live for ever. You will not succeed. -- George Bernard Shaw
We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out.
Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary: If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong, anyway.
"Talk is cheap. But if it keeps your stomach full and your grave empty, it's worth more than gold" -Mike Smith
Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have. -- Rabbi H. Schachtel, The Real Enjoyment of Living
Montreal's not a city. It's a Disney World for alcoholics. -- Mike Wilmot
Read in order to live. -- Gustave Flaubert, Letter, June 1857
"Do they allow tipping on the boat? -- Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? -- Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you." -- Groucho Marx
When I get a new book, I read the last page first. That way, if I die before I finish, I know how it comes out. That, my friend, is a dark side. -- Harry, "When Harry Met Sally"
"Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?" -- Kelvin Throop III
A day without sunshine is, you know, night. -- Shannon
"Never screw something so hard you can't unscrew it." -- Mrs. Virginia Richburg, talking about transits and their tri-pods in high school pre-calculus class.
Once I finally figured out all of life's answers, they changed the questions.
Goodbye, Everybody! -- Hart Crane, poet, who committed suicide by jumping overboard during a steamship voyage.
Why are raisins without seeds called "seedless" and prunes without pits called "pitted"? What is so wrong with the word "pitless"? -- Ed M.
Dan: "Guess what mommy?" Mom: "What?" Dan: "I'm gay." Mom: "I know, your face is symmetrical."
"For flavor, instant sex will never supercede the stuff you have to peel and cook." -- Quentin Crisp
"We routinely catch people." -- Larry McCann, police officer, commenting on the effectiveness of the VA police force.
Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, Aleph-null bottles of beer, You take one down, and pass it around, Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. -- Dean Martin
"Try to relax and enjoy the crisis." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
"Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer." -- Fred Brooks, Jr.
The big "2-0" -- Tara
"I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs." -- H.L. Mencken
"Nothing is easier than to denounce the evildoer; nothing is more difficult than to understand him." -- Fyodor Dostoyevski
"Ether bunny, ether bunny, hops around the lab!" -- Ellie in Organic Chemistry lab, probaby after smelling the ether too much.
Your fortune stateth: If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.
"Biography lends to death a new terror." -- Oscar Wilde
"We made mad love, shadow love, random love, and abandoned love, Accidentally like a martyr..." -- Warren Zevon
The only Zen you find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there. -- Robert M. Pirsig
"A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down." -- Robert Benchley
RESIGN, v.t. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an advantage for a greater advantage. -- Ambrose Bierce
"I swear that dog is an animal!" -- Apryl Baker, upon seeing her blue-tick hound bounding madly around the yard.
It is a common experience that a problem difficult at night is resolved in the morning after a committee of sleep has worked on it. -- John Steinbeck
Boys on my left side boys on my right side boys in the middle and your not here -- Tori
The worst is enemy of the bad. -- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore.
"Men. You can't live with them. You don't have to." -- Seen on a t-shirt
I understand the horn-rimmed cachet. -- Christopher DeJong, ocassional wearer of horn-rims.
"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face." -- Jack Handy
Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is probably parked.
"A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines." -- Frank Lloyd Wright
Jimmy, joking: "Break two bottles over your head and call me in the morning." John: <CRASH> "Ow."
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
RECONSIDER, v. To seek a justification for a decision already made. -- Ambrose Bierce
"I believe in God, only I spell it Nature." -- Frank Lloyd Wright
"All dogmas perish the thinking mind, especially ones you agree with." -- Adam Richardson
Sometime I breathe you in and i know you know and sometimes you take a swim found your writting on my wall if my hearts soaking wet boy your boots can leave a mess -- Tori
RUMOR, n. A favorite weapon of the assassins of character. -- Ambrose Bierce
Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the future.
Deliberation, n.: The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"Hi, I'm Jason, and I've only had sex with a few sheep" -- Jason McCartney "Hi, I'm Mike, and I'm his roommate" -- Mike Martin
"Real happiness, in politics, is a wide-open hammer shot on some poor bastard who knows he's been trapped, but can't flee." -- Hunter S. Thompson
I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. -- Lillian Hellman
If ya ain't got it in ya, ya can't blow it out. -- Louis Armstrong
"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." -- Albert Einstein
The fate of love is that it always seems too little or too much. -- Anonymous
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. -- Anonymous
"What did you do when the ship sank?"  "I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore."
"Don't join the book burners. Don't think you are going to conceal thoughts by concealing evidence that they ever existed." -- Dwight David Eisenhower
Occasionally I wake up with my hand in my pants... this usually seems to happen around the end of the week. -- Chris R.
Razors pain you; Rivers are damp; Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give; Gas smells awful; You might as well live. -- Dorothy Parker
It takes Empire builders to build Empires! -- Chuck Lee, ca 1973
Go Lemmings Go!
A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured sadly, "runneth over."
There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic. -- Lily Tomlin
Do you still have to fight off the Indians? -- question a cab driver in California asked my family
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together ... -- Carl Zwanzig
Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to sell it.
I shut my eyes in order to see. -- Paul Gauguin
There is a tragic clash between Truth and the world. Pure undistorted truth burns up the world. -- Nikolai Berdyaev
A dead man cannot bite. -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey)
While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is admission to someone else.
"I prefer the wicked rather than the foolish. The wicked sometimes rest." -- Alexandre Dumas pere
Do I look like a freaking bunny yet? -- Lisa R., while applying makeup for her role as the March Hare in Alice in Wonderland.
"Sometimes technology does not suck." -- Dr. French
"If a thing is worth doing at all, it is worth doing badly." -- Gustav Holst, on amateur music-making
Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
"It was a fantastic dinner. We had spinabifita." "You mean spinacopita." "Whatever." -- Dustin Miller to Anna after dinner at his grandparents'.
How would you like to have sex for money....no no no, you pay me. -- Rick
Nobody ever died of laughter. -- Max Beerbohm
An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
Dear Lord: I just want *one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On the other hand", again.
"i put the grrr in swinger baby" -- Austin Powers
Your fortune stateth: You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
"Counting in octal is just likst counting in decimal--if you don't use your thumbs." -- Tom Lehrer
Aim for the gutter, you can't miss. -- David Wands
Reality is a question of perspective; the further you get from the past, the more concrete and plausible it seems -- but as you approach the present, it inevitably seems incredible. -- Salman Rushdie
The planet is fine, the people are fucked. -- George Carlin
Your fortune stateth: You dialed 5483.
Men of genius sometimes accomplish most when they work the least, for they are thinking out inventions and forming in their minds the perfect idea that they subsequently express with their hands. -- Giorgio Vasari
"When you marry your mistress, you create a job vacancy." -- James Goldsmith - British businessman
A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. -- Walter Winchell
A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. -- Patton
"Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?" -- Anonymous
"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." -- Aristotle
Everything in life is speaking in spite of it's apparent silence -- Hazrat Inayat Khan
Well, I'm stupid, but I don't go around telling everyone! -- Sarri Lutkin
Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before. He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way. -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"
"Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..."
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. -- Ogden Nash
"Mystical explanations are considered deep. The truth is that they are not even superficial." -- Friedrich Nietzsche
It is with true love as it is with ghosts; everyone talks about it, but few have seen it. -- Francois de La Rouchefoucauld
Your fortune stateth: You have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationships.
"A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself." -- Lisa Kirk
Perhaps I know why it is man alone who laughs: He alone suffers so deeply that he had to invent laughter. -- Friedrich Nietzsche
To err is human..to really screw up you need a computer. -- Scott Adams
"Violence isn't a solution to your problems; violence is a horse, of course, of course."
"Historians are the deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them." -- Leo Tolstoy
While there's life, there's hope. -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
Fabninc Shcnoftner. -- Amanda, failing to say "fabric softener".
In 5 billion years, the sun will explode (its in the Bible) its a fact! -- The Vandals
"Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat." -- Fran Lebowitz
Smithers: "Sir, I'm afraid we have a bad image, people see you as a bit of an ogre." Mr.Burns: "I ought to club them and eat their bones!" -- Mr. Burns
Absence may make the heart grow fonder, but not nearly as much as a really good kiss. -- Roy B. Wieland
As a well-spent day brings happy sleep, so a life well spent brings happy death. -- Leonardo da Vinci
Events are not affected, they develop. -- Sri Aurobindo
Jess: that makes no ... Jes (different person, with a totally unrelated comment): Cheese? Kelly: NO CHEESE! NO CHEESE!!!!
"Commandment Number One of any truly civilized society is this: Let people be different." -- David Grayson
Your fortune stateth: The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes. -- George Gobel
"Oh, he's kinda sexy... in a Captain Picard kind of way." -- My friend Ginger, talking about our Finance professor.
KNEE-JERK IRONY: The tendency to make flippant ironic comments as a reflexive matter of course in everyday conversation. -- Douglas Coupland
People say crazy shit during sex. One time I called this girl "Mom." -- Randal
Your fortune stateth: You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
The only way of finding the limits of the possible is by going beyond them into the impossible. -- Arthur C. Clarke
Pain heals, Chicks dig scars, and Glory last forever -- Falco, The Replacements
When life hands you lemons, pucker up! -- Kelli Girl
"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to get more wax!!"
It is not the language of painters but the language of nature which one should listen to, the feeling for the things themselves, for reality, is more important than the feeling for pictures. -- Vincent Van Gogh
"I never think of the future. It comes soon enough." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
"We owe most of what we know to about one hundred men. We owe most of what we have suffered to another hundred or so." -- R. W. Dickson
Anti-paranoia is that eerie feeling that nothing is connected to anything else.
I have a hammer! I can put things together. I can tear things apart. I can alter my enviroment while making an incredible din the whole time. God, its great to be a male. -- Calvin
We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
MESMERISM, n. Hypnotism before it wore good clothes, kept a carriage and asked Incredulity to dinner. -- Ambrose Bierce
"You can't crush ideas by suppressing them. You can only crush them by ignoring them." -- Ursula K. LeGuin
"Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member." -- Groucho Marx - on resigning from the Friar's Club in Hollywood
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain
"The natural progress of things is for liberty to yield and government to gain ground." -- Thomas Jefferson
Mr. Brown: "Where were you, Mike?" Mike: "Calm down! I was just looking at the eclipse." (falls down the stairs)
I want a stalker. But just for a day. -- Deborah
I have this disease late at night sometimes, involving alcohol and the telephone. -- Kurt Vonnegut
"I've decided I hate last month." -- Julie
No man is worth his salt who is not ready at all times to risk his body, to risk his well-being, to risk his life, in a great cause. -- Theodore Roosevelt
If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get ice, but no cup.
"Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life." -- Andrew Brown
"On a clear day, U.C.L.A." -- Graffiti in San Francisco
"To die for an idea is to set a rather high price on conjecture." -- Anatole France
"Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease." -- Colin Greene
Sometimes, all you can do is just lie there and take it. -- Emily, fed up with the teasing about her extra-large feet.
"There are three kinds of death in this world. There's heart death, there's brain death, and there's being off the network." -- Guy Almes
Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house. -- Usenet Signature
"Conference call! Woo-Hoo!" -- me
It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins. -- Chinese Proverb
"Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore?" -- Henry Ward Beecher
"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics." -- Benjamin Disraeli
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house. -- Steven Wright
"If I didn't have writing, I'd be running down the street hurling grenades in people's faces." -- Paul Fussell
Please! Just one drag on your cigarrette and I'll turn into Fabio for you, c'mon, just one drag. No drag, no Fabio for you. -- Jesse, in a drunken nicotine-craving state.
"Mick Jagger doesn't reach my knees when it comes to stage charisma." -- Robbie Pilatus of Milli Vanilli, a few months before it turned out they didn't even sing on their own album.
He who fights monsters should look into it that he himself does not become a monster. When you gaze long into the Abyss, the Abyss also gazes into you. -- Friedrich Nietzsche
Time hasn't stopped for any troubles, heartaches, or any other malfunctions of this world, so please don't tell me it will stop for you. -- C.S. Lewis
Your fortune stateth: You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
Why did I fall for him? He had a Tommy Lee Jones smile and sounded like Peter O'Toole with a double dose of testosterone and a southern accent. -- Lollie McLain
I'm 15, and my hormones are flying, flying! -- B. Francey
"I'm the one that has to die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my life, the way I want to." -- Jimi Hendrix
"Never before have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the Church?" -- _Black Adder II_
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. -- H.H. Munro, "Saki"
There is nothing sadder than a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Give it up little guy. -- Jack Handey
"They should KILL that f****** clown!" -- Jaryn Lutkin, upon entering McDonalds
A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity.
Your fortune stateth: An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
My dear Tristan, to be an artist at all is like living in Switzerland during a world war. -- Tom Stoppard
Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.
"Theory: when you have ideas. Ideology: when ideas have you." -- anonymous
"The public doesn't want new music: the main thing it demands of a composer is that he be dead." -- Arthuer Honegger - composer
"The murals in restaurants are on a par with the food in museums." -- Peter De Vries
"He's a b*st*rd! And if he ever asks me out again I will fall at his feet just... like... THAT!" -- Jen, about a guy she hasn't recovered from yet.
LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear and his faith in your patience. -- Ambrose Bierce
As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. -- Proverbs 23:7
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order. -- Brian Pickrell
Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well. -- Aristotle
"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun." -- Jeff Berner
Well sometimes i feel like an old piece of steak, precariously placed on a conspicuous plate at a pot-luck for a bunch of young vegans.. -- Ani
"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?"
Acid -- better living through chemistry.
We're all lonely for something we don't know we're lonely for. How else to explain the curious feeling that goes around feeling like missing somebody we've never even met? -- David Foster Wallace
Your fortune stateth: You will outgrow your usefulness.
The man who runs may fight again. -- Menander
Whoa! It's like I'm having a celebration of testosterone! --My friend Sara, eating in an all-guys dorm for the first time.
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks. She's not marrying the best man. -- Anonymous
Cheri: There's a difference between "torment" and "happy". Celia: Well, for you....
Your fortune stateth: You'll feel devilish tonight.  Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel.
Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that all was vanity, but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men for they may act their dream with open eyes and make it possible. -- T.E. Lawrence
If you want to have a million dollars and be an artist, start with two. -- James Bauerle
Condense soup, not books!
Beggars should be no choosers. -- John Heywood
"What's another word for 'Thesaurus?'" -- Steven Wright
Your fortune stateth: Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.
All marriages are happy. It's living together afterwards that is difficult. -- Anonymous
ALONE, adj. In bad company. -- Ambrose Bierce
Absentee, n.: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop.
The fame of heroes owes little to the extent of their conquests and all to the success of the tributes paid to them. -- Jean Genet , "Prisoner of Love"
Your fortune stateth: You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks. -- Lew Col
By God, for a moment there it all made sense...
We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
"The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey." -- Woody Allen
"This would work if you used your head for more than an ear divider." -- My algebra teacher
To surrender to ignorance and call it God has always been premature, and it remains premature today. -- Isaac Asimov
I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essentail facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. -- Henry David Thoreau
Your fortune stateth: Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
The proper union of gin and vermouth is a great and sudden glory; it is one of the happiest marriages on earth and one of the shortest lived. -- Charles Dickens
"I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability." -- Oscar Wilde
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
A fool and his money are soon popular.
I'm a horse. It's a fence. I'm over it. -- Jeff
"It sounded like a going over a speed bump, but with glass and metal. It wasn't really a crunch, but more like a chrnchkkkkkllsssckrr sound". -- Chris, describing a one-mile-per-hour accident between a city dump truck and a Crysler.
"The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, `What does woman want?'" -- Sigmund Freud
"One grows tired of jelly babies, Castellan. One grows tired of almost everything, Castellan, except power." -- The Doctor
Justice, n.: A decision in your favor.
When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
Whenever you are asked if you can do a job, tell 'em, "Certainly, I can!" Then get busy and find out how to do it. -- Theodore Roosevelt
"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!" -- W. C. Fields
"If you wish to appear agreeable in society, you must consent to be taught many things which you know already." -- Johann Kaspar Lavater
"The most merciful thing in the world...is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents." -- H.P. Lovecraft
The road to finding "the one" is paved with a bit of promiscuity -- Ryan Erickson
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even when there is no river. -- Nikita Khrushchev
Father: "What do you think Picasso was saying with this sculpture?" Security guard: "I think he was saying,'Ha ha, Chicago.'" -- at the sculpture near the John Hancock building in Chicago.
A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. -- Carl Sandburg
"Heigh-o silver and a cloud of fur and off she goes!" -- Ellie's dad, after a cat jumped out of his lap.
"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half is good... luckily, it's not difficult." -- Charlotte Whitton
Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform. -- Mark Twain
Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it. -- Jack Handey
A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny.
"No we're not! We're deaf!" -- In response to somebody's comment, "Look, they're blind," while walking past a sign language class.
Higgeldy Piggeldy, Hamlet of Elsinore Ruffled the critics by Dropping this bomb: "Phooey on Freud and his Psychoanalysis -- Oedipus, Shmoedipus, I just loved Mom."
"'He says gods like to see an atheist around. Gives them something to aim at.'" -- Terry Pratchett, _Small Gods_
You have undertaken to cheat me. I won't sue you, for the law is too slow. I'll ruin you. -- Cornelius Vanderbilt
"Have a cookie or DIE!" -- Black Lewis H., circa 1990.
Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa.
Justice is incidental to law and order. -- J. Edgar Hoover
Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
Adults die young.
"Most men make little use of their speech than to give evidence against their own understanding." -- Lord Halifax - English statesmen
"The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it." -- Doug Larson
O imitators, you slavish herd! -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
It is possible to store the mind with a million facts and still be entirely uneducated. -- Alec Bourne, A Doctor's Creed
"A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students" -- John Ciardi
Unnamed Law: If it happens, it must be possible.
"How can one conceive of a one party system in a country that has over 200 varieties of cheese?" -- Charles de Gaulle
Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle.
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?
"Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines." -- David Letterman
I'm not going to be able to kiss it and make it better... you're just going to have to sit there and bleed. -- Prof. Riffe
My boobs are jealous of my ass. -- Lauren
The fire of glory is the torch of the mind. -- Anonymous
"There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result." -- Winston Churchill
If anyone ever says that they hate war more than I do, they better have a knife. -- Jack Handey
"Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's *not* the U.S. Army doing it!" - Good Morning VietNam
Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche. -- Austen Briggs
There is no doubt that the first requirement for a composer is to be dead. -- Arthur Honegger
A good film is when the price of the dinner, the theatre admission and the babysitter were worth it. -- Alfred Hitchcock
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers
Your a spade..(looks at spade) I always call him that. -- Niel
"Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some ordinance under which you can be booked." -- Robert D. Sprecht
"Omniscience is soooo boring!" -- Joel Martin McTague
Reality is good for you...in small doses. -- Anonymous
Kiki: How have your eyes been? Have you had any problems seeing distances? Julie: I don't know. I haven't been looking.
"Anybody can be good in the country. There are no temptations there." -- Oscar Wilde
The best of artists hath no thought to show, which the rough stone in its superfluous shell, doth not include; to break the marble spell, is all the hand that serves the brain can do. -- Michelangelo
"Eat some pork, girl!" -- Kate in response to a VERY skinny girl.
"'I will not stand for being called a woman in my own house' she said." -- Evelyn Waugh - British Novelist - "Scoop" Bk. 1 Ch. 5
All over town the people resound with 'we just wanna be free' no other way to face the day, thats what it means to me. All of your life your under the knife, slaving to routine. -- Gc5
A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words. -- Anonymous
To the ass, or the sow, their own offspring appears the fairest in creation. -- Latin Proverb
"The Lord knows I'm not an 'evil person!'" "Ah-ha! You just said The Lord that means you believe in...." "Yes, The Lord is the name of my cat." -- Douglas Adams
"Don't you ever kiss me when you are a girl!" -- Dina, on IRC, to a male using a feminine nickname.
Given my druthers, I'd druther not.
Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
Love is the distance between reality and pain. -- Robyn_hitchcock
"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it." -- William Somerset Maugham
How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it. -- Marcus Aurelius
Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous
"The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order." -- Brian Pickrell
Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
I'm not proud.
"This is cause for mass debation!" -- Jase1, Enraged at school policies.
The man with imagination and no culture has wings without feet -- Joseph Joubert
Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter. -- Anonymous
"Where am I going? And why am I in this HANDBASKET?" -- Anonymous
The sage does not expect that others use his criteria as their own. -- Lao Tzu, "Tao Te Ching" Chapter 17
Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
I like life -- it's something to do.
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
"Auuuggghhhh! It's that stupid coco-jambo song again. Every time I hear it it makes me wanna run around and punch myself in the head to try and drown it out! That, or change the station." -- "Uncle" Ben
"I think, therefore I'm single." -- Female philosopher
Of the seven dwarves, only Dopey had a shaven face. This should tell us something about the custom of shaving. -- Tom Robbins, Skinny Legs and All
Do unto others before they undo you.
Frisbeetarianism is the philosophy that when you die, your soul goes up on a roof and gets stuck. -- George Carlin
Your fortune stateth: There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
"I can't believe the blithering idiocy of some people in this world. He is nothing but a carbon-based life form." -- Nikki, a little drunk and pissed about her ex-boyfriend.
The source of genius is imagination alone, the refinement of the senses that sees what others do not see, or sees them differently. -- Eugene Delacroix
The two that it said it couldn't, it did, and the one it didn't claim it couldn't, it didn't. -- Paul
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt. -- J. Heller
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. -- Eleanor Roosevelt
The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to eat. -- John McNulty
There are things you would love to hear but will never hear fromthe person you want to hear them from, but don't be deaf to the personwho says it with his heart. -- Anonymous
I believe in God, only I spell it Nature. -- Frank Llyod Wright
Cold, adj.: When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
Your fortune stateth: Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
Psychedelics are probably responsible for every aspect of human evolution apart from the decline in bodyhair. -- Terence McKenna, Food of the Gods
"Wait a minute, I've gotta zip up!" -- Aurora-Christine, while rolling around in the driveway in a sleeping bag.
God does not ask about our ability, but our availability. -- Anonymous
Life is too deep for words, so don't try to describe it, just live it. -- C.S. Lewis
Hatred is a feeling which leads to the extinction of values -- Jose Ortega y Gasset
What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence. -- Wittgenstein
Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
The beauty of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
Fashion is Architecture: it is a matter of proportions. -- Coco Channel
The pioneers of a warless world are the youth that refuse military service. -- Albert Einstein
What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
The sound of a kiss is much softer than that of a cannon - but it's echo lasts a great deal longer. -- Anonymous
An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto a blade of grass and not fall off the earth. -- Irish Proverb
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
"These french fries taste like potatos!" -- Julie at Arby's
What is politics, after all, but the compulsion to preside over property and make other peoples' decisions for them? -- Tom Robbins, Skinny Legs and All
"Excuse me. This life isn't working. I want to exchange it." "Have you tried plugging it in?"
Piece of cake! -- G.S. Koblas
There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad its not a fence.
"When I'm trying to negotiate a path around the obvious I always seem to circumnavigate myself." -- James Hails
A woman in love will do almost anything for a man, except give up the desire to improve him. -- Nathaniel Branden
"I'm in the same temperature every bed. 100 year round". -- Dana, delirious.
"I (heart) heavy artillery." --T-shirt Paul B. had made for Jay
"I found out I own a Chevette and I have a brother." -- Jen, about her strange week
Experience is the name that everyone gives to their mistakes. -- Oscar Wilde
Intelligence has nothing to do with politics. -- Londo Molari
The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about. -- Oscar Wilde
Often it is the most deserving people who cannot help loving those who destroy them. -- Hermann Hesse
If you are ever skydiving, and your parachute fails, and your friends are all watching youu fall, I think a good gag would be to pretend you're swimming. -- Jack Handy
We have the power to bore people long after we are dead. -- Sinclair Lewis
"History will be kind to me, for I intend to write it." -- Winston Churchill
"If people were any dumber, they couldn't wipe their own butts." -- Gail, for no reason whatsoever.
If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. -- Ronald Reagan
"If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat." -- Mark Twain
Jokes are funny. -- Princess Tanya
Why not? Yeah. -- Timothy Leary
Without fear and illness, I could never have accomplished all I have. -- Edvard Munch
I would just run out of things to say if I didn't have such hell experiences with large appliances. -- UCI Honors Student.
Are you plucking the damn chickens and milking the f*cking cows back there?!? -- Kate, screaming into the McDonalds drive-through window after her order of chicken nuggets and a milkshake. was taking a bit too long.
In a newspaper office: Michele: "What are you reading?" Jen: "The obits." Paul: "Oh? Bits o' what?"
Katz' Law: Man and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.
Love is like the measles. The older you get it, the worse the attack. -- Mary Roberts Rhinehart
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Did you ever notice the people who are most adamantly against abortions are people so ugly you wouldn't want to touch them in the first place? -- George Carlin
Your fortune stateth: Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.
"A hypothetical paradox: What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?" -- Tom Galloway
UN-AMERICAN, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish. -- Ambrose Bierce
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
Mother is the invention of necessity.
Everything you know is wrong!
"Since when was genius found respectable?" -- Elizabeth Barrett Browning
The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing. -- Blaise Pascal, Pens&eactue;es, trans. A.J. Krailsheimer
Some of the worst mistakes of my life have been haircuts. -- Jim Morrison
"Melpyou?" -- Mike "Bubbles" Madril, imitating the drive-thru window guys at Taco Bell in Pueblo, Colorado.
"A man's wife has more power over him than the state has." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Listen! If we don't smash the house up, the council are gonna demolish it, tomorrow! -- Vyvyan
"The only thing you will ever be able to say in the so-called 'social' sciences is: "some do, some don't." " -- Ernest Rutherford
A man is rich in proportion tothe number of things which he can afford to let alone. -- Henry David Thoreau, "Walden"
"The paths of glory at least lead to the grave, but the paths of duty may not get you anywhere." -- James Grover Thurber
"Stoicism is the wisdom of madness and cynicism the madness of wisdom." -- Bergen Evans
Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. -- Kipling
REFERENDUM, n. A law for submission of proposed legislation to a popular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion. -- Ambrose Bierce
"Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform." -- Mark Twain
It dont matter WHAT your doin, ust as long as you LOOK GOOD doin it -- David Lee Roth
"Okay, people, one last time. It's not Shakesphere, it's not Shakespeer, it's Shakespeare. And Macbeth is NOT a burger." -- my English prof
"That's the funniest thing I've ever seen!.....almost." -- Chris's Dad
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. -- Jack Handey
"I pray to god that Rich doesn't find out that I just smoked three cigarettes in his car." -- Nick, on a car ride with Rich and Scott in the front seat and Nick and Pittman intoxicated in the back having a deep discussion about God.
"He's pulling a Jason." -- Julie, about a guy who was confusing Jen with sporadic bursts of semi-dating behavior, comparing him with Jason, who did EXACTLY the same thing to Julie.
"In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these." -- Paul Harvey
"There is more simplicity in the man who eats caviar on impulse than in the man who eats Grapenuts on principle." -- G. K. Chesterton
"Europe was created by history. America was created by philosophy." -- Margaret Thatcher
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else." -- Alison Boulter
"What country is that over there, it just screams capitalism" "Thats Cuba sir." "Ok, land the plane Smithers." "Sir, you're flying" "Excellent." -- Mr. Burns
I'll take a dozen smiles to go, please. -- Myself at McDonald's, in response to a note on the menu which claimed, "Smiles are free."
"That's some pair of shoulder gerbils." -- Paul B., about Ken's shoulder pads.
"Sit down and come over here." -- Mr. Wittner
The young men know the rules. The old men know the exceptions -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
"Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag and begin slitting throats." -- H. L. Mencken
"I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is - I could be just as proud for half the money." -- Arthur Godfrey
Love college. Hate class. -- 8th Floor East, Duquesne University
They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed.
Every civilizaiton must contend with an unconscious force which can block, betray, or countermand almost any conscience intention of the collectivity. (Tleilaxu Theorem) -- Frank Herbert
May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater. -- Gail Godwin
Genderplex, n.: The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises). -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company. -- J. Wellington Wells
I was touching my face today and for a minute I couldnt feel my nose. I felt like Michael Jackson -- Amanda Wild, a Michael Jackson fan
The artist is always engaged in writing a detailed history of the future because he is the only person aware of the nature of the present. -- Wyndham Lewis
f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route!
Ambition is not a vice of little people. -- Michel de Montaigne
A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. -- Lao Tsu
Work is a four-letter word. -- The Smiths (Morrissey)
"I'm not against the police; I'm just afraid of them." -- Alfred Hitchcock
Writing is a struggle against silence. -- Carlos Fuentes
My music will go on forever. Maybe it's a fool say that, but when me know facts me can say facts. My music will go on forever. -- Bob Marley
"He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever." -- Old Chinese saying
"The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem." -- Mike Smith
"Elevate them guns a little lower" -- Andrew Jackson - order given while watching the affect of US artillery upon British lines at the Battle of New Orleans
Your fortune stateth: You could live a better life, if you had a better mind and a better body.
"Every age and generation must be as free to act for itself, in all cases, as the ages and generations which preceeded it." -- Thomas Paine
Ang: Does Andy have amonia? (Asking if Andy is sick...) Rachel: Only in his windex!
REASON, n. Propensitate of prejudice. -- Ambrose Bierce
All men are brothers, like the seas throughout the world; So why do winds and waves clash so fiercely everywhere? -- Emperor Hirohito
Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community. -- Anonymous
Okay, now all I need is the other third of this pig. -- Alana, working on a puzzle with a friend.
A little experience often upsets a lot of theory.
"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars." -- J. Paul Getty
We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, but for some reason nobody's ever done it. -- Andy Rooney
It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize.
Those who do not want to imitate anything, produce nothing. -- Salvador Dali
Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding hundred dollar bills." -- Herb Caen
The Kennedy Constant: Don't get mad -- get even.
We cannot teach people anything; we can only help them discover it within themselves. -- Galileo Galilei
You think your shit is butter? Hop in front of this toast. -- Styles P
Color possesses me. I don't have to pursue it. It will possess me always, I know it. That is the meaning of this happy hour: Color and I are one. I am a painter. -- Paul Klee
"The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy." -- Edwin Edwards - Governor of Louisiana
Art is the Queen of all sciences communicating knowledge to all the generations of the world. -- Leonardo da Vinci
"Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it." -- Tallulah Bankhead
Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
"We can't schedule an orgy, it might be construed as fighting" -- Stanley Sutton
"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far." -- Paul White
Sex concentrates on what is on the outside of the individual. It's funny because I think it's better inside. -- Alex Walsh
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. -- Bill Watterson, in his comic strip Calvin and Hobbes
The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?" -- Will Rogers
Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience:this is the ideal life. -- Mark Twain
"People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense." -- Ken Kesey
In skating over thin ice, our safety is in our speed. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted. -- Marguerite Emmons
The better part of one's life consists of his friendships. -- Abraham Lincoln
Carlie: Dave's asexual. Lisa: That's unfortunate... for you. -- Discussing Carlie's crush
"When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually." -- Steven Wright
How you know you're a broke college student: 1. You come up short at Waffle House. 2. You have to go to an ATM before you can get a donut. 3. Gotta buy a Coke from the machine to get change for a dollar bill in order to do your laundry. -- Me
Umm, Jason, why doesn't that tractor have tires? -- Rachel
The ritual greeting between Christy and Jen: C: "Well, if it isn't Katherine Blackheart!" J: "Well, if it isn't Suzy Sunshine!"
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit the high notes I bet you can really see it in those genitals. -- Jack Handey
Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Ludicrous speed . . . go! -- Dark Helmet, Spaceballs
"Love me tender and call me pickle-boy." -- spoken with a straight face by Rubina. Five minutes later she burst out laughing, spilling orange juice all over her white shirt.
My life is not organized around high probability events.
"An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself." -- Albert Camus
I have become me without my consent.
"He is like a bull in a china cabinet." -- Shannon
Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their country. -- Typewriting exercise
"Wagner's music is better than it sounds." -- Mark Twain
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? -- Anonymous
You can not apply mathematics as long as words still becloud reality. -- Hermann Weyl
"I didn't hit my head!" -- the first thing out of Ken's mouth after falling on stairs and hitting his head
All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire.
What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for something to occur to you. -- Robert Frost [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to AST's.]
"Damn! I'd be having one every six months!" -- after a geography-class discussion in which it was mentioned that a certain state payed residents money for each child in their household.
Aaron H.: Ashish, why do you have three dictionaries? Ashish L.: Because I have three brains!
Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
I don't know what to say, so I'll just say what's in my heart... Baboom, Baboom, Baboom. -- Mel Brooks
Life is to be fortified by many friendships. To love and to be loved is the greatest happiness of existence. -- Sydney Smith
No, I'm relegating *humanity* to the "shallow bitch" category. -- Jeremy Garber
By the way, you know I'm really not random, right? Deborah's random. I'm just not listening. -- Liz F.
"As empty vessels make the loudest sound, so they that have the least wit are the greatest blabbers." -- Plato
Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. -- Benjamin Franklin
If I have got false teeth, I trust that I have not got a false conscience. It is safer to employ the dentist than the priest to repair the deficiencies of nature. -- Henry David Thoreau
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Too bad one of Princess Diana's causes wasn't "seatbelt usage". -- Craig F.
Things do not change; we change. -- Henry David Thoreau
Education is a sexual disease, IT makes you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you have the urge to pass it on. -- Terry Pratchett
A king's castle is his home.
If the bus does not stop stopping, the stopping will never end. -- Chris Reimer
"Rats don't melt." "Are you sure?" -- Megan and Katie
What difference does it make to the dead, the orphans, and the homeless, whether the mad destruction is wrought under the name of totalitarianism or the holy name of liberty and democracy? -- Gandhi
Philosophy is a study that lets us be unhappy more intelligently. -- Anonymous
The difference between this place and yogurt is that yogurt has a live culture.
Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you?
To love is good, love being difficult.
"When you get to be my age you want someone to listen to you and no one does. That's why I have you." -- Mr. Welker, the boss
"Prehistory is everything that happened before anything happened." -- student in college Philosophy class.
"Hey...I didn't know Bocephus was in concert tonight with Hank Williams Jr. I just saw his bus downtown at the arena." -- Jenny...obviously not a country music fan
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
APOLOGIZE, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence. -- Ambrose Bierce
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. -- Red Buttons
Love is only the game that is not called on account of darkness. -- M. Hirschfield
"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again." -- Franklin P. Jones
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. -- Anonymous
Secret admirers make us believe things about ourselves that we always hoped were true. -- Anonymous
"Awww! They're all shriveled up like dead worms!" -- Alisha, after pulling bacon out of the microwave.
Never close your lips to those to whom you have opened your heart. -- Charles Dickens
"Don't give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening." -- Oscar Wilde 
An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field. -- Niels Bohr
Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
I have a daughter who goes to SMU. She could've gone to UCLA here in California, but it's one more letter she'd have to remember. -- Shecky Greene
...like it's a penis if it's on his face! -- Lauren
Don't look for obscure formulas or mystery in my work. It is pure joy that I offer you. Look at my sculptures until you see them. Those closest to God have seen them. -- Constantin Brancusi
"Shut up, I'm more important than you" -- Matt Maher
Year, n.: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"It tastes better out of the foil packet!" -- Jen N. (Hi Jen!)
"Just goes to show you. You can kill a guy, fold him up, stuff him in your trunk, and still you don't *really* know him." -- The Kids in the Hall
Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass on a summer day listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is hardly a waste of time. -- Sir J. Lubbock
My friends, on the other hand, entrenched themselves more solidly in the little ditch of understanding which they had dug for themselves. They died comfortably in their little bed of understanding, to become useful citizens of the world. -- Henry Miller
The sun never sets on the British empire because Britain is in the east and the sun sets in the west. -- Unknown history student
"I do not find in orthodox Christianity one redeeming feature." -- Thomas Jefferson
When you don't have any money, the problem is food. When you have money, it's sex. When you have both, it's health. If everything is simply jake, then you're frightened of death. -- J. P. Donleavy
Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?
"Streets full of water. Please Advise." -- Robert Benchley - US humorist - Telegram to his editor on arriving in Venice.
Las Vegas: It's what the whole world would be doing on Saturday night if the Nazis had won the war. -- Hunter. S Thompson
If you want to recapture your youth, just cut off his allowance. -- Al Bernstein
God Gave us our memories so that we might have roses in December. -- James Matthew Barrie
Go away...I'm alright. -- H. G. Wells, dying words
"I appreciate other cultures!! I go to Taco Bell at least three times a week!" -- Jenny L.
"...and to get home, you just re-go the way you came." -- Sarilyn
If something is boring after two minutes, try it for four. If still boring, then eight. Then sixteen. Then thirty-two. Eventually one discovers that it is not boring at all. -- John Cage
Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
After all, coffee is bitter, a flavor from the forbidden and dangerous realm. -- Diane Ackerman
"You need tender loving care once a week - so that I can slap you into shape." -- Ellyn Mustard
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at you a great deal.
Your fortune stateth: You work very hard.  Don't try to think as well.
If we do not maintain Justice, Justice will not maintain us. -- Francis Bacon
Question: Man Invented Alcohol, God Invented Grass. Who do you trust?
We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM!
Life is both difficult and time consuming.
Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind. -- Henry James
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -- Rich Jeni
A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to Hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. -- Anonymous
Why doesn't she like me? Is it my hair, my overbite, the fact that I've worn the same shirt and shorts for the last four years? -- Bart Simpson, young character from The Simpsons, U.S. animated television show
Ever seen two people talking to each other in their sleep? J: "What time is it?" P: "What?" J: "What time is it?" P: "What?" J: "Around second base."
"I can't smoke your shoes" -- Chris, after I had asked him to tie my shoes when he was really high.
Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
Everybody can be great... because anybody can serve. You don't have to have a college degree to serve. You don't have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. you only need a heart full of grace. a soul generated by love. -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Physical strength is measured by what we can carry; spiritual by what we can bear. -- Anonymous
Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove. -- William Shakespeare
Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. -- Carl Sagan
The world is conspiring in you favor. -- Written on the street in front of the Metropolitan Museum of Art.
Happiness is possible only when one is busy. The body must toil, the mind must be occupied, and the heart must be satisfied. Those who do good as opportunity offers are sowing seed all the time, and they need not doubt the harvest. -- Anonymous
"Against the Word the unstilled world still whirled About the center of the silent Word." -- T.S. Eliot
"Seattle is reformatting my hard-drive and I am craving junk food." -- Julie
My life may be strange, but at least it's not boring.
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." -- George Burns
Let your conscience be your guide. -- Pope
"Fork split my ass." -- K Katzin-Nystrom, while trying to open an English muffin.
If you really want to hurt your parents and you don't have nerve enough to be homosexual, the least you can do is go into the arts. -- Kurt Vonnegut
"The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
Hacker's Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
"One day, the sky came loose and it rained... screws" -- BYL, commenting on the freak Colorado hailstorm that ruined his Labor Day barbeque.
A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and the real reason.
If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. -- Maslow
Be different: conform.
Rules for driving in New York: (1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. (2) You may park anywhere if you turn you four-way flashers on. (3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the intersection.
Your fortune stateth: Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
LIBERTY, n. One of Imagination's most precious possessions. -- Ambrose Bierce
Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai!
"he's more punk than me" -- Nofx
"When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite." -- Winston Churchill, On formal declarations of war
"I've always had this sinking suspicion, that if the world were to stop spinning, we'd all be incredibly dizzy" --Sara Liner
I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones. -- The Doctor, Timewyrm: Genesys, author, John Peel
A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father, and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she was Carmen or Cohen.
I had butterflies so bad they were coming out of my body and hitting the walls. -- Jessie Schuck, 7, reflecting on the first day of school entering the 2nd grade.
The pain is unrelenting; one does not abandon, even briefly, one's bed of nails, but is attached to it wherever one goes. -- William Styron
Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 1st customer: "I'll have tea." 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" (Waiter exits, returns) Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
"[My head] is a reasonable approximation of a sulfur atom." -- Professor David Lemal, a bald, round-headed man.
"Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day."
This is NOT a repeat.
Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault.
Education is not preparation for life; education is life itself. -- John Dewey
You never know what you never know if you never know it. -- MoJo
Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. -- Albert Einstein
Each player must accept the cards life deals him or her: but once they are in hand, he or she alone must decide how to play the cards in order to win the game. -- Voltaire
Your fortune stateth: Lady Luck brings added income today.  Lady friend takes it away tonight.
Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right. -- Anonymous
Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark The Duke is fond of kittens He likes to take their insides out And use them for his mittens From "The Thirteen Clocks"
"Happy is the man with a wife to tell him what to do and a secretary to do it." -- Lord Mancroft
Someone: "What did you learn in the Dominican Republic?" Dave Roth: "Pineapples grow on the ground upside down."
It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire. -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
In the course of history many more people have died for their drink and their dope than have died for their religion or their country. -- Aldous Huxley
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. -- Rich Cook
Science is what we understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else we do. -- Donald Knuth
Vail's Second Axiom: The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed.
Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
Your fortune stateth: Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
"I admire the serene assurance of those who have religious faith. It is wonderful to observe the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces." -- Mark Twain
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it.
If it's illegal to pay someone for sex, but legal to pay someone to star in an X-rated movie, does that mean it's legal to pay for sex as long as you film it? -- Tom
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. -- Groucho Marx
Faith is believing what you know ain't so. -- Mark Twain
"Where the press is free and every man able to read, all is safe." -- Thomas Jefferson
K: "Can I call you back? I'm eating dinner" R: "Oh yeah, what are you eating?" K: "Oh you know, a spoonful of chocolate frosting, a packet of Taco Bell mild sauce, and a coke... the usual."
The inability to stay quiet is one of the conspicuous failings of mankind. -- Walter Bagehot
Tony: "All those pictures of food made me hungry." Andy: "Yeah, I could go for some pictures of food myself...." Tony: (Blank stare.) Andy: "What?"
Two is company, three is an orgy.
I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located?
"Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter." -- Seen on a bumper sticker
"Witchcraft always has a hard time, until it becomes respectable and changes its name." -- Charles Fort
"Never drive while looking through binoculars." -- Cathy Winkelman
There is no future in any job. The future lies in the man who holds the job. -- George Crane
There's plenty of good uses for burning people! -- Matt
Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
"everybody asks me how she's doing...has she really lost her mind...and i say...i couldn't tell you...i've lost mine -- Dmb
"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense"
"It's the '*POOF*, I'm a pedestrian!' trick." -- Lars Kellogg-Stedman, explaining bicyclists' tendency to suddenly stop being a vehicle when the rules become inconvenient.
Acting is the most minor of gifts and not a very high-class way to earn a living. After all, Shirley Temple could do it at the age of four. -- Katharine Hepburn
"Amnesia water falling from the sky! It makes everyone forget which pedal makes the go." -- Jen N. commenting on Seattle resident's fear of driving in the rain.
There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead. -- Lord Thomas Rober Dewar
A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold.
If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die?
If you're happy, you're successful.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. -- Tom Clancy
To err is human, to purr feline.
I've just seen the most amazing thing in the garden! Neil biffed himself in the face with a frying pan! -- Rick
The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. -- Robert Heinlein
Art degraded, Imagination denied. -- William Blake
Why can't the ant and the caterpillar just get along? One eats grass, the other eats Caterpillars... Oh, I see now. -- Jack Handey
"When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary." -- Thomas Paine
Your fortune stateth: It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown-up.
Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable.
"Some books are to be tasted; others swallowed; and some to be chewed and digested." -- Francis Bacon
Thomas Jefferson--still surv... -- John Adams, dying words
There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else.
Familiarity breeds attempt.
Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. -- Oscar Wilde
To regard the imagination as metaphysics is to think of it as part of life, and to think of it as part of life is to realize the extent of artifice. We live in the mind. -- Wallace Stevens
I try to apply colors like words that shape poems, like notes that shape music. -- Joan Miro
"Nothing has really happened until it has been recorded." -- Virginia Woolf
"The purse is negatively here." -- Jonathan, when asked by his mother if her purse was in the van.
The miserable have no other medicine But only hope. -- William Shakespeare
The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do. -- B. F. Skinner
And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. -- Khalil Gibran, "The Prophet"
"I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"" -- Steven Wright
I think the surest sign that there is intelligent life out there in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. -- Calvin
Time takes it all, whether you want it to or not. Time takes it all, time bears it away, and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometimes we lose them there again. -- Stephen King, "The Green Mile"
"If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." -- Aristotle Onassis
"The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward." -- John Maynard Keynes
"In my dreams, I'm a viking!" -- Nelson
Hi, I'm Jesus Christ. I'm God and so are you. -- Paul Stauffer, describing the worst case scenario for a Presbyterian.
Your imagination, my dear fellow, is worth more than you imagine. -- Louis Aragon
Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. -- Snoopy
The most wasted of all days is one without laughter. -- ee cummings
"Oh, to be seventy again!" -- Oliver Wendell Holmes JR - on his 87th birthday while watching a pretty girl
The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is cursed.
A dollar saved is a quarter earned. -- John Ciardi
"Remember, folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph." -- Jim Samuels
"If you can't communicate clearly in writing, perhaps the Internet is not the best place for you, eh?" -- Barb MacRae
"There are two ways to slide easily through life; to believe everything or to doubt everything. Both ways save us from thinking." -- Alfred Korzybski
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
Ryan: Ok, so if Ed (6'1" , 275 lbs) is "Tiny", Devin (5'8", 210 lbs) is "Slim", and Garson (110 lbs, soaking wet) is "Hulk", what does that make me? Tomas: "Brainy" -pause- Ryan: Huh? Tomas: Exactly.
"Christmas is about love. Valentine's Day is about LUUUUUUUUUUV." -- Jeremy Garber
"Check this guy out, he must belong to the Aluminum Foil Gang." -- Eric Fitzpatrick, remarking about a guy with a shiny silver coat.
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
I believe love to be hurtful to society, and to the individual happiness of men. I believe, in short, that love does more harm than good. -- Napoleon Bonaparte
You never die enough to cry -- Jack Kerouac
I will make you shorter by the head. -- Elizabeth I
In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only we can't control when the five year period will begin.
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. -- Robin Williams
Those who know how to win are more numerous than those who know how to make proper use of their victories. -- Polybius
...angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night... -- Allen Ginsberg
Nick: I'm turning into a bearded fat guy. Abdul: You're growing a beard? Nick: No, man, it just grows!
It is loneliness that makes the loudest noise. This is true of men as of dogs. -- Eric Hoffer
"Americans are benevolently ignorant about Canada, while Canadians are malevolently well informed about the United States." -- J. Bartlett Brebner
Say goodbye to the oldies, but goodies, because the good old days weren't always good and tomorrow aint as bad as it seems. -- Billy Joel
"Hey! 'Autographed by the author'!" -- Paul B. in a bookstore, holding up a copy of the Bible
What fools these morals be!
They say that "guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people. -- Eddie Izzard, Dressed to Kill
Who can own a tree? -- The Indian Guy In "Ernest Goes To Camp"
Adolescence is a period of rapid changes. Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a parent ages as much as 20 years. -- Anonymous
Of course there's a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don't take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates... -- Anonymous
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. -- Benjamin Franklin
"If you were sitting here and I was you, you'd be laughing too." -- Bri
"The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side." -- James Arthur Baldwin
You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now. -- Lauren Bacall
We mark some days as fair, some as foul, because we do not see that the character of every day is identical. -- Charles Frazier, "Cold Mountain"
Sam: This is the world's coolest goat. The Lady: Why? Sam: Um, I think it's because she's a little crazy upstairs.
If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything. -- Anonymous
"If I couldn't wear tight leather pants, my life would be meaningless." -- Amy K.
I don't want to die without scars -- Tyler Durden
Love is my sword, goodness my armor, and humor my shield. -- Anonymous
In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy. -- Mark Twain
Dreams are the touchstones of our character. -- Henry David Thoreau
Misfortune, n.: The kind of fortune that never misses. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
How sick i am! that thought Always comes to me with horror. Is it this strange for everybody? But such fugitive feelings have always been my metier. -- Allen Ginsberg
We are all either fools or undiscovered geniuses. -- Bonnie Lin
How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them?
Love and stoplights can be cruel. , Sesame Street, U.S. children's television show
What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset. -- Crowfoot, Blackfoot warrior and orator, 1890
There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators. -- Will Rogers
"What state's North Dakota in?" -- Kristen
"There's too much blood in my caffeine system." -- Seen on a bumper sticker
"Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is good for dandruff -- it is a palliative rather than a remedy." -- Peter De Vries
"I was just thinking about her eyebrows!" -- Joyce, discussing old college chums.
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like you passport photo." -- Al Gore
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face -- Jack Handey
Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane. -- Phaedrus
"You don't have to suffer to be a poet. Adolescence is enough suffering for anyone." -- John Ciardi
"Go evil twin someone else." -- Ellie on IRC, after someone "borrowed" her nickname
Don't mock the insecure.
Benji: (Really LOUD) "I LOVE subtlety!" Heather: "Okay, just shout that out why don't you?"
They that can give up essential iberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. -- Ben Franklin, "Historical Review Of Pennsylvania"
What distinguishes the artist from the dilettante? Only the pain the artist feels. The dilettante looks only for pleasure in art. -- Odilon Redon
There are no rules, only tools. -- Glenn Vilppu
Technique minus soul equals zero. You might as well paint a broom as a person. -- Max Ferguson
"Adolescence is a period of rapid changes. Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a parent ages as much as 20 years." -- Anonymous
Encyclopedia Salesmen: Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police and tell them your house is being burgled. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
I will permit no man to narrow and degrade my soul by making me hate him -- Booker T. Washington
There are a lot more important things in life than baseball. I just haven't found out what they are yet. -- Marty Schupak, "The 59 Minute Baseball Practice"
"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?" -- Steven Wright
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. -- Mark Twain
"I'm gonna beat your butt into the ground so hard you'll feel it!" -- Ellie's brother trying to be tough
"Ideally, you should be your own hero, just as I am mine." -- Bargepole
"The greener grass on the other side is probably artificial turf." -- Unknown
"There is a level of cowardice lower than that of the conformist: the fashionable non-conformist." -- Ayn Rand
If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome. -- Anne Bradstreet
"If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. -- Jack Handey
"I'm moral, but I'm not stupid." -- my friend, Sarah Mulhern, when I commented that I couldn't believe she would take advantage of having accidentally seen questions for the upcoming test.
In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. Our symptotes no longer out of phase, We shall encounter, counting, face to face. -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
REASONABLE, adj. Accessible to the infection of our own opinions. Hospitable to persuasion, dissuasion and evasion. -- Ambrose Bierce
"A PI is like paying cover charge to the city." -- Thunder Denton, about being charged with public intoxication.
Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.
Sue (from England) "I've been looking for you all my life!" Robert (from Tazmania) "Why didn't you just give me a ring?"
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere." -- Groucho Marx
If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." -- Bob Hope
Life is too short to be taken seriously. -- Oscar Wilde
"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph." -- Shirley Temple Black
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
We want UFOs to be an acceptable topic. They're romantic -- Black Francis
"I've just unzipped something huge, and I don't know what to do with it!" -- Uttered by a co-worker after she had downloaded a compressed file and "un-zipped" it.
You cannot paint the "Mona Lisa" by assigning one dab each to a thousand painters. -- William F. Buckley, Jr.
Alcohol is the wonder drug for ugly people. -- Kelly McKee's response to her roommate saying she's not attracted to a potential date.
Expense Accounts, n.: Corporate food stamps.
I want to be bald like Jay Buhner. Because a bald head is a happy head. -- my nine-year-old cousin David
QED.
Thou shalt eat green eggs and ham -- obey thy God, I-am-that-I-am.
...the social sciences were for all those who had not yet decided what to do with their lives, and for all those whose premature frustrations led them into the sterile alleys of confrontation. -- Peter Ustinov, Dear Me
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. -- Dykstra
A la pointe de mon pinceau, il m'arrive - je vis pour ces moments-la - d'inventer un trait. Douceur, partage : reconnaitre un trait ! -- Alechinsky
"The Common Law of England has been laboriously built about a mythical figure - the figure of "The Reasonable Man"". -- A.P. Herbert
"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped." -- Groucho Marx
Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only 2 cents a day.
"Dinner is served.... but it sucks!" -- My mother Susanne, after losing a game of Monopoly.
"Sure I'm a complete loser! But is it better to say that you're a complete loser, or that you're a complete loser that works at Wal-Mart?" -- Jason Holliman (there were a lot of good quotes from the day that I quit Wal-Mart...)
M: "Scott got hit by a parked car again." S: "Oh, I did not! It just wasn't moving, is all." M: "Is anyone surprised???"
"The people I distrust most are those who want to improve our lives but have only one course of action." -- Frank Herbert
"The two most abundant things in the universe are Hydrogren and stupidity." -- Harlan Ellison
Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep Dracula and_Superman away. -- Jack Handey
He took "My Life!" Don't you understand? I didn't work so hard on "My Life" only to have it taken by some psychology teacher! I WANT "MY LIFE" BACK!!! -- Cuitla, about his psychology class project.
At the cross, her station keeping, Stood the mournful mother, weeping, Where He hung, the dying Lord. [Lat., Stabat mater, dolorosa Juxta crucem lacrymosa Que pendebat Filius.] -- Anonymous
If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. -- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance." -- Oscar Wilde
"Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even one which cannot be justified on any other grounds." -- J. Finnegan, USC.
The power of philosophy floats through my head, light like a feather, heavy as lead -- Bob Marley
"Oh, Andy heard his name. Here he comes running at me like a barrel of herd." -- Shannon, about her dog.
"Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers." -- T. S. Eliot
I believe a leaf of grass is no less than the journey-work of the stars. -- Walt Whitman, "Leaves of Grass"
Trouble is a part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person that loves you enough chance to love you enough. -- Dinah Shore
Your fortune stateth: Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
"Civilization is a movement, not a condition; it is a voyage, not a harbor." -- Arnold Joseph Toynbee
Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then give it back to them.
There is no subject so old that something new cannot be said about it. -- Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoyevsky
Cahn's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. -- Albert Einstein
Dance as if no one's watching, sing as if no one's listening, and live everyday as if it were your last. -- Irish proverb
Your fortune stateth: Your reasoning is excellent -- it's only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
Neil: "I like just about all types of music, especially Jazz." Neil's Mom: "I don't get Jazz. It just sounds like they're making it up as they go along."
A steady salary is an invitation to mediocrity. -- Anonymous
"The world is complex. Sendmail.cf reflects this..." -- Robbie Honerkamp
The reverse side also has a reverse side. -- Japanese proverb
Only two things in life are certain, death and that twinkies will out last you. -- Mark Franklin
Your fortune stateth: Good day to deal with people in high places; particularly lonely stewardesses.
"The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence but you still have to mow it." -- Anonymous
I like being single. I'm always there when I need me. -- Art Leo
The sword of truth is just another weapon. -- Nomeansno (The Tower)
"It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?" -- Elizabeth Carpenter
I loved the way she said "LA"; I love the way everybody says "LA" on the Coast; it's their one and only golden town when all is said and done. -- Jack Kerouac
Jenn: "Isn't this a cool key?" Mark: "Ummm, yeah, I guess...." Jenn: "I mean, you could put out someone's eye with this key."
"Your mom can't see orange, can she?" -- Amanda, after Russ flipped out because she got orange pen on a paper his parents had to sign.
"It is sometimes expedient to forget who we are." -- Publilius Syrus
Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?
Madness is confusion of levels of fact...Madness is not seeing visions but confusing levels. -- William S. Burroughs
"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either." -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston
My next message will include a psychedelic dream sequence, so look out. -- Becky Banfield, while using email.
Solipsists of the World... you are already united. -- Kayvan Sylvan
When people have no other tyrant, their own public opinion becomes one. -- Edward Bulwer-Lytton
My favorite uncle was Uncle Caveman, we called him that because he lived in a cave and every once in a while he eat one of us, later on we found out he was a bear. -- Jack Handey
I believe in God like I believe in the sun rise. Not because I can see it, but because I can see all that it touches. -- C.S. Lewis
Every hard-boiled egg is yellow inside. -- Anonymous
"I was seized by the stern hand of Compulsion, that dark, unreasonable Urge that impels women to clean house in the middle of the night." -- James Thurber - US Writer, Humorist, and Cartoonist
I think when we get those moments where things are just too hard to comprehend, there is a whole different world. -- C.S. Lewis
What is a magician but a practising theorist? -- Obi-Wan Kenobi
"Are you a hermaphrodite table?" -- Daniel "Fluffy"
If you think before you speak the other guy gets its joke in first. -- Anonymous
"Novelty is not necessarily a virtue." -- Rita Mae Brown
"Someone told me that each equation I included in the book would halve the sales" -- Stephen Hawking - "A Brief History of Time"
I don't think there's anything innately erotic about pigs. But, generally, they are sweet, shy, mysterious creatures. Especially the little ones. When they get big, they get kinda gross. -- Kim Deal
Tell them I've had a wonderful life. -- Ludwig Wittgenstein, (1889-1951), "Ludwig Wittgenstein: The Duty Of Genius"
Your fortune stateth: You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
Me (while eating an ATOMIC FIREBALL): "HOT! Why can't they make things that turn your mouth really cold?" Co-Worker: "They do. It's called 'ice'."
Sweet April showers do spring May flowers. -- Thomas Tusser
PLEBISCITE, n. A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign. -- Ambrose Bierce
"Blue food is unnatural." -- Marisa
"Crotch sounds like some place you don't want to be." -- Jason
Your fortune stateth: You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery.
Cute little babies that fall out of swings - These are a few of my favourite things. -- Oscar Hammerstein, working lyric for a piece from "The Sound of Music"
Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long. -- Ogden Nash
"You know what? It's April Fool's day in Djibouti!" -- Joel, on January 27
Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed. -- Irene Peter
This is my BOOM STICK! -- Army Of Darkness
"Common sense is that layer of prejudices which we acquire before we are sixteen." -- Albert Einstein
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. -- Anonymous
"It's trivial and pointless, and besides, I'm not telling you!" -- Ellie
Hlade's Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they will find an easier way to do it.
Is "tired old cliche" one? -- Steven Wright
"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes ..."
"Shoulders are crunchy! Howm!" -- Sara Liner biting into David Jones' shoulder.
"Beware the Dumb Side of the Force." -- Grayson Lyles, age 8
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
"I need a little boy in a flower pot, and a snail." -- overheard by Aviry, Roxie, & Melissa in a Hallmark store.
The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
OMEN, n. A sign that something will happen if nothing happens. -- Ambrose Bierce
The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you. -- Bette Midler
"FOUR bottles and TWO thirty packs in TWO days. Do the math. That's not good. Well... I mean it's great... but, ultimately... not good." -- College Frat guy to coworker and fellow College Frat guy
Bureaucrat, n.: A politician who has tenure.
Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung. -- Voltaire
I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of people waiting to abuse me. --Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
"Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamp-post how it feels about dogs." -- Christopher Hampton
If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
"Has anybody ever seen a drama critic in the daytime? Of course not. They come out after dark, up to no good." -- P. G. Wodehouse
Laugh when you can; cry when you must.
The real measure of your wealth is how much you'd be worth if you lost all your money. -- Anonymous
Many are cold, but few are frozen.
Putt's Law: Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand.
"At the core of all well-founded belief, lies belief that is unfounded." -- Ludwig Wittgenstein
"How can he die under the bed in the bathtub?" -- Ellie
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture - it's really a stupid thing to want to do. -- Elvis Costello
You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later, when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip. -- Jonathan Carroll
Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get another chance later on.
"Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?" -- Groucho Marx
Kids can buy bullets, but they have to throw them at people. -- Matthew, explaining Wal-Mart's policy of requiring you to be 21 to buy guns but only 16 to buy ammo.
Two heads are better than one. -- John Heywood
Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence.
Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. -- Matthew 5:37
A good reputation is more valuable than money. -- Publilius Syrus
Arnold's Laws of Documentation: (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.
Also, don't you think they should allow pets on airplanes? They could have sections with little patches of grass.... -- Karen
Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
Your fortune stateth: It was all so different before everything changed.
Issawi's Laws of Progress: The Course of Progress: Most things get steadily worse. The Path of Progress: A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
"It's curtains for you, Mighty Mouse! This gun is so futuristic that even *I* don't know how it works!" -- from Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse
America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual intervention of civilization. -- George Clemenceau
"Cafeteria food would be okay if we weren't eating it at school." -- Jenny
"This is larger than 10 cm, so that means it must be close to infinity." -- Prof. Beck
"As soon as I finish scraping the cat out of Susan's car, I want you to give her a bath." -- Mrs. George, my mom.
Bradle's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
"I'm gonna... gonna... gonna... gonna... gonna... gonna... gonna... gonna...." -- Shannon, trying to spit out that she was gonna go to the bathroom.
Your fortune stateth: Never give an inch!
"Daring ideas are like chessmen moved forward; they may be beaten, but they may start a winning game." -- Goethe
A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
I don't know which is more discouraging, literature or chickens. -- E. B. White
Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose. -- Robin Williams
"The main purpose of the stock market is to make fools of as many men as possible." -- Bernard Baruch
Indecision is the true basis for flexibility.
Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot.
Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
"The reason why Absurdist plays take place in No Man's Land with only two characters is primarily financial." -- Arther Adamov - Russian-born French dramatist
TV is chewing gum for the eyes. -- Frank Lloyd Wright
"By George, I've got potato on my shoe!" -- Kyle, drunk again
I think, therefore I am... I think.
A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works.
If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.
"Wit is the epitaph of an emotion." -- Friedrich Nietzsche
No my friend, darkness is not everywhere, for here and there I find faces illuminated from within; paper lanterns among the dark trees. -- Carole Borges
Everything in the world may be endured except continued prosperity. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed. -- Old Japanese proverb
We are all here for a spell; get all the good laughs you can. -- Will Rogers
When you are right, you cannot be too radical; When you are wrong, you cannot be too conservative. -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
"Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you also have an obligation to be one." -- Eleanor Roosevelt
"Personifiers of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!" -- Bernadette Bosky
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
"Please, don't remember me like this. I'll give you $10 to forget tonight. I don't have the money now, but as soon as I get my paycheck I'll give you the money." -- Allison, who rarely drinks, the first time I saw her drunk.
"Nuclear war would really set back cable." -- Ted Turner
(In the hall between classes:) Tony: "I'm having a party and I'm inviting you, and two others who are twins." Brian: "Are they both the same age?"
The fullfillment is always in the wish. -- Soeren Kierkegaard, "Edifying Discourses"
"The new definition of psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd." -- Anonymous
"... and remember, Satan is your plastic friend!!!" -- Asyn, at work, after too much caffine.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
But he did not understand the price. Mortals never do. They only see the prize.Their heart's desire,their dream... But the price of getting what you want is getting what you once wanted. -- Neil Gaiman, Dream/The Sandman
Been around the world and found that only stupid people are breeding, the cretins cloning and feeding, and I don't even own a TV. -- Harvey Danger, Flagpole Sitta
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. -- Anonymous
If life is merely a joke, the question still remains: for whose amusement?
"Since my daughter is only Half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?" -- Groucho Marx - when excluded from a beach club on racial grounds
"Morality consists of suspecting other people of not being legally married." -- George Bernard Shaw
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
Your fortune stateth: Avoid reality at all costs.
My house is completely electrical. One day I left a light on when I went to work. When I came home I couldn't unlock my door. -- Steven Wright
"I like that movie a whole much." -- Gwen
"Only three rules to business. One, buy low, sell high. Two, don't spend more than the difference. Three, always pay taxes, 'cause the government carries guns." -- Royal Litton
Where there is love there is life. -- Gandhi
Shawn: "You are the coolst girl!' Heidi: "The what?" Shawn: "The coolst! Heidi: "It's the coolest, not coolst!"
BLISS is ignorance
"Guacamole!" -- Jason
"Do you love any, do you love none, do you love many, can you love one, Do you love me?" -- Suzanne Vega
But anyway -- not to be vain or anything -- I really like the shape of my fingernails. -- Benji, at the theater, waiting for the movie to start.
Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job? A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
WARNING: Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war.
"Mr. DeNike, can we have class outside today?" -- Jen, asking her boss to move the departmental meeting outside
Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
Calvin : You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood. Hobbes : What mood is that? Calvin : Last-minute panic. -- Bill Watterson, "Calvin & Hobbes"
'Cause the internet is just a big floppy disk! -- Paul
MONDAY, n. In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. -- Ambrose Bierce
An aphorism is never exactly true; it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths. -- Karl Kraus
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all. -- Anonymous
We cling to our own point of view, as though everything depended on it. Yet our opinions have no permanence; like autumn and winter, they gradually pass away. -- Chuang Tzu
Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men. -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
"Great art is a irrational as great music. It is mad with its own loveliness." -- George Jean Nathan
And in the end it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. -- Abraham Lincoln
I do not wish to remove from my prison to a prison a little larger. I wish to break all prisons. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The ends justify the means. -- after Matthew Prior
"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved" -- Mark Twain
When we drink, we get drunk.When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to Heaven. So, lets all get drunk and go to Heaven! -- Irish Quote
"Have the courage to be ignorant of a great number of things, in order to avoid the calamity of being ignorant of everything." -- Sydney Smith
"However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional manner...sulking and nausea." -- Tom K. Ryan
"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day, so I never have to live without you." -- - Winnie The Pooh
Elephants are contagious. -- Paul Eluard
Hate and bitterness are the only weapons wielded by the blade. -- Thomas Gregory
The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State Building after taxes. -- Anonymous
Anything is possible on paper. -- Ron McAfee
Art is lies that tell the truth. -- - Piccaso
What do I dislike about death? Must be the hours. -- Woody Allen
O.K., fine.
"I am about to--or I am going to--die; either expression is used." -- Dominique Bouhours, French grammarian, dying words
"Is that referring to the space between your ears?" -- Michelle Zalas, responding to a guy called "Deadzone" on IRC
"Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists." -- John Kenneth Galbraith
"I get it every year. It's called Congenital Seasonal Fahrvegnugen." -- Jen, describing her deep-seated need for a convertible, circa spring of 1995.
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."
"What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?" -- Richard Milhous Nixon
This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have.
"You know I always thought unicorns were fabulous creatures too, although I never saw one alive before." "Well, now that we have met," said the unicorn, "If you'll believe in me, I'll believe in you." -- Lewis Carrol, "Throught The Looking Glass"
"I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are furious." -- Steven Wright
"Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l." -- Rita Rudner
"Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl yore mistakes." -- Baendan Hills
America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its name to "America". -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
"We have long passed the Victorian era, when asterisks were followed after a certain interval by a baby." -- W. Somerset Maugham
"Every morning I take a good poo before I get out of bed." -- Vivian
The best defense against logic is ignorance.
It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
Alaska is our biggest, buggiest, boggiest state. Texas remains our largest unfrozen state. But mountainous Utah, if ironed out flat, would take up more space on a map than either. -- Edward Abbey
Children should be like waffles--you should be able to throw the first one away. -- Mary Alice Messenger
LANGUAGE, n. The music with which we charm the serpents guarding another's treasure. -- Ambrose Bierce
Drink to me. -- Pablo Picasso, dying words
Ducks? What ducks??
Your fortune stateth: Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
"If ease of use is the highest goal, we should all be driving golf carts." -- Larry Wall
"Most religions do not make men better, only warier." -- Elias Canetti
Support the Girl Scouts! (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!)
Keep the phase, baby.
Made with beef and pork, turkey. -- ball-park hotdog wrapper
I'll turn over a new leaf. -- Miguel de Cervantes
"He who laughs last thinks slowest." -- Seen on a bumper sticker
I stand on the edge of destruction emotionally ruined By the warmth I most desire I will not fall prey to love of a human kind for love is weakness; Love is the fall of every man -- Shai Hulud
"Next time he does that, I'm going to make him eat his own head." -- Jen
Your fortune stateth: Your business will assume vast proportions.
You have to type to live, right? -- Chris Miller, hardcore geek.
Your fortune stateth: Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?
"When in doubt, tell the truth." -- Mark Twain
"His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice" -- Foghorn Leghorn
When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him. -- Thomas Szasz, The Second Sin, 1973
Technique! The very word is like a shriek of outraged Art. It is the idiot name given to effort by those who are too weak, too weary, or too dull to play the game. The mighty have no theory of technique. -- Leonard Bacon
"There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself." -- J. S. Bach
All things are possible except skiing thru a revolving door.
There are three great friends: an old wife, an old dog, and ready money. -- Benjamin Franklin
"I love children especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away." -- Nancy Mitford
The Earth is not dying, it is being murdered and the people murdering it have names and addresses' -- British Ef!, Seen In Diy Culture: Party And Protest In Nineties Britain (Verso)
Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits?
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. -- John Kenneth Galbraith
I do my thing, and you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful. -- Frederick E. Perl
Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms.
SELFISH, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others. -- Ambrose Bierce
"Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen." -- Woodie Guthrie
Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her.
A man's house is his castle. -- Sir Edward Coke
Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse. -- Thomas Szasz
"Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them." -- Samuel Butler
"It is better to be quotable than to be honest." -- Tom Stoppard
Don't tell your problems to people: eighty percent don't care; and the other twenty percent are glad you have them. -- Lou Holtz
"Never judge a book by its movie." -- J.W. Eagen
When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.
That which is static and repetitive is boring. That which is dynamic and random is confusing. In between lies art. -- John A. Locke
Darn it, everything I need in life is somewhere else. -- Diana Zimmerman
"I'm not saying God's a girl..." -- Mrs. Zeidler
"Beware of programmers carrying screwdrivers." -- Chip Salzenberg
Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. -- Anais Nin, "The Diary of Anais Nin"
"Standing up is highly overrated." -- Jon
Your fortune stateth: Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover.
SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! -- Ken Thompson
"For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say "Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something." -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.
"I don't have a dimple; I ran into a truck." -- Melissa
POLITICS, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. -- Ambrose Bierce
The only person worth envying is he person who doesn't envy. -- Anonymous
"Necessity is the plea of every infringement of human freedom. It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves." -- William Pitt
"A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business." -- Shelly Berman
The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
"Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching" -- Satchel Paige
You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
"That's right, I'm a bum. Come on man, hook me up man! Give me a cigarette!" -- Chris "Crisco" Pierce
Mr. Rogers is so benign, you KNOW he uses drugs -- "Can you say 'ether?'" -- Marcus
There's...There's the window. [Three hours pass.] You know when I said there's the window I was going to say there's the moon, but then I thought, maybe it's just a street light, and I didn't want to sound stupid. -- Alison
One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain. -- Bob Marley
Man [After walking into a very clean glass door]: "Isn't it a law that they put little stickers on the glass doors?" Lawyer: "I don't know, but we can sue anyway." -- Scene withnessed outside a federal courthouse.
Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise.
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
"That God... sure plays a mean pinball!" -- Dave
That's the nature of research--you don't know what in hell you're doing. -- 'Doc' Edgerton
All political parties die at last of swallowing their own lies. -- John Arbuthnot
Your fortune stateth: You will wish you hadn't.
Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
Please don't beat up the bunny. -- Myself at school in the morning before I went to put on a rabbit costume and walk around lunch to advertise the school play. (The things people do to suck up to drama teachers....)
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx
You won't get 'i love you baby' or 'suck my weewee' from me; i try to write interesting lyrics. -- Jello Biafra
You never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough. -- William Blake
Your fortune stateth: Cheer Up!  Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
Madness takes its toll.
History repeats itself; that's one of the things that's wrong with history. -- Clarence Darrow
Your fortune stateth: You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.
Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon.
"The LocalNet: We're equipped for the collapse of society. How about you?" -- Matt (proposing a new slogan for TLN)
When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the money is. -- Robespierre
To dance, above all, is to enter into the motions of life. It is an action, a movement, a process. The dance of life is not so much a metaphor as a fact.To dance is to know one's self alone and to celebrate it. -- Sherman Paul
Life is the flower for which love is the honey. -- Victor Hugo
Meeting, n.: An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
"Anyone who doesn't acknowledge you hasn't advanced beyond the notochord stage." -- Mario
"Positive thinking doesn't sound like a very good idea to me. I'm sure it doesn't work. And if it does, it's probably real hard to do." -- Patrick
Your fortune stateth: Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't really worth having.
"Journalism consists largely in saying "Lord Jones died" to people who never knew Lord Jones was alive." -- G. K. Chesterton
All is fear in love and war.
Now you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup You put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle. You put water into a teapot, and it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow or it can crash! Be water, my friend. -- Bruce Lee, TAO of Jeet Kune Do
The body is a house of many windows: there we all sit, showing ourselves and crying on the passers-by to come and love us. -- Robert Louis Stevenson
I think that technologies are morally neutral until we apply them. It's only when we use them for good or for evil that they become good or evil -- William Gibson
Chris: The living room is 19 feet by 15 feet. The den is about a foot less each way. Cristina: There you go again... Chris: What? Cristina: You keep mixing dimensions. Chris: Huh? Cristina: Exactly how many feet are in a foot?
Why is it that wherever I go, the resident idiot heads straight for me? -- Gwynn Thomas
"All it was was pure evil hatred in plant form!" -- Julie's response when asked how the hot pepper tasted.
Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words since I first called my brother's father dad. -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
You never turned around to see the frowns on the jugglers and the clowns when they all did tricks for you. -- Bob Dylan
The purpose of a liberal education is to make you philosophical enough to accept the fact that you will never make much money. -- Anonymous
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. -- Weisert
Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art . . . it has no survival value; rather is one of those things that give value to survival. -- C.S. Lewis
For example, justice is considered to mean equality, It does mean equality- but equality for those who are equal, and not for all. -- Aristotle
It is better to have loved and lost -- much better.
Absence makes the heart grow frantic.
Religion starts with the perception that something is wrong. -- Karen Armstrong, "A History of God"
"#1597. Everything is deemed possible except that which is impossible in the nature of things." -- California Civil Code, "Object of a Contract"
A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard -- Prof. Steiner
Your fortune stateth: You may be gone tomorrow, but that doesn't mean that you weren't here today.
Who will take care of the world after you're gone?
Art is a jealous mistress and if a man has a genius for painting, poetry, music, architecture or philosophy, he makes a bad husband and an ill provider -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness." -- Aristotle
I think I just nailed my knees to the table. -- Mike....When They Thought Their House Was Haunted
A computer without Windows is like a chocolate cake without mustard. -- Elfer
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
Precision is not reality -- Henri Mattisse
Phone call for chucky-pooh.
Conway's Law: In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.
"Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply calisthenics with words." -- Dorothy Parker
Maybe God was just borrowing my pearls for a few days. -- Jody LaFerriere, on lost items
Well, the handwriting is on the floor. -- Joe E. Lewis
Your fortune stateth: Beware of Bigfoot!
Youth is wasted on the young. -- George Bernard Shaw
Ad astra per aspera. [To the stars by aspiration.]
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead. -- James Thurber
"I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants." -- Elvis Presley
The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. -- Bohr
"The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man really clever who has not found that he is stupid." -- G. K. Chesterton
Let us live!!! Let us love!!! Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! You first.
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it. -- Anonymous
"The optimist proclaims we life in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimists fears this is true." -- James Cabel
ABATIS, n. Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside from molesting the rubbish inside. -- Ambrose Bierce
"Normal is not something to aspire to, it's something to get away from." -- Jodie Foster
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account.
TELEPHONE, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. -- Ambrose Bierce
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing
"No, it's 13.5 anything, because that's 7 plus 7... no it isn't!" -- Carol H.
IBM had a PL/I, Its syntax worse than JOSS; And everywhere this language went, It was a total loss.
I'm so smart it scares you, doesn't it? -- my dad, Boon.
When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. -- Matt Groening, From "Basic Sex Facts For Today'S Youngfolk" In Life In Hell
"good music is good music and that should be enough for anybody -- Brad Nowell
Drawing is . . . not an exercise of particular dexterity, but above all a means of expressing intimate feelings and moods. -- Henri MatisseYour fortune stateth: You're growing out of some of your problems, but there are others that you're growing into.
He is Allah, (the) One. The Self-Sufficient Master, Whom all creatures need, He neither eats nor drinks. He begets not, nor was He begotten; And there is none co-equal or comparable unto Him. -- The Noble Qur'An (112:1-4)
If your wit was any drier you'd have to moisturize your mind. -- Jack Scheer
"When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. " -- Jack Handy
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Words lead to deeds.... They prepare the soul, make it ready, and move it to tenderness. -- Anonymous
Happiness is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you. But if you turn your attention to other things, It comes and sits softly on your shoulder. -- Anonymous
"Under capitalism man exploits man; under socialism the reverse is true." -- Polish proverb
"Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an extracurricular activity except you." "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" "Only to ten, Mudhead." -- Firesign Theater
"Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal." -- Lionel Trilling
Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio.
Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
I hope an animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs there because I might think I have a good idea but its really just the eggs hatching. -- Jack Handey
The world is all the richer for having a devil in it, so long as we keep our foot upon his neck. -- William James, (1842-1910) philosopher and psychologist
To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world. -- Anonymous
"Virtue is more to be feared than vice, because its excesses are not subject to the regulation of conscience." -- Adam Smith
"The ride up front is better when you've been in the back." -- Victor
Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and make it better.
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
"But Huey, you PROMISED!" "Tell 'em I lied."
"Tomorrow's computers some time next month." -- DEC
Well, we'll really have a party, but we've gotta post a guard outside. -- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody"
"The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity." -- Harlan Ellison
Everything you need is around you; the danger lies within you. -- Anonymous
"Just get on your hands and knees and blow." -- Jenny's advice on how to move the croquet ball to a more desirable location
"Cakes are not fattening, provided you avoid swallowing". -- Ilan
Your fortune stateth: Truth will out this morning.  (Which may really mess things up.)
A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family. -- Navaho saying
It's gonna be a glorius day, i feel my luck could change, pull me out of the aircrash , pull me out of the lake , cause i'm your superhero, and we are standing on the edge -- Radiohead
"The Sun is a stunningly mediocre star, but it is our star and we love it." -- Astronomy Prof Balbus
Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere.
"Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely stupid." -- Heinrich Heine
"Okay, I know that we're a first world country. And like, Honduras is a third world country. So, like what's a SECOND world country? And aren't they upset about being stuck in the middle?" -- Aaron Greaser
"The only one who could ever beat me was the son of a pizza man." -- A drunken friend's version of "Preacher Man"
"We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me." -- Jack Handy
"The only real valuable thing is intuition." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
I know they were just kids...but man we beat the fuck out of them! -- Dogma
Not exactly Shakespeare? As to "shake-a-spear"? You calling me a spear chucker? -- Eddie Murphy
"I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there." -- Joel Hodgson
*looking up* "Where?" -- Me, after being told the word 'gullible' was written on the ceiling.
"The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more often."
"...if you love enough, you'll lie a lot" -- Tori Amos
Peace is not a season, it is a way of life. -- Anonymous
It's just a song man, it doesn't mean anything -- John Lennon, Imagine Documentary
"The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes." -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
What is death but a passage to life -- Travis M. Farnsworth
Alone, adj.: In bad company. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"Would it walk fast or walk slow?" -- Jeff F., during a conversation about a giant walking phallus.
Your fortune stateth: Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
"Pessimism is only the name that men of weak nerve give to wisdom." -- Mark Twain
It was the least I could do. So, I did it. -- Nathan Tinnin
"There's nothin' to it, if you don't gotta do it!" -- Eddie Underwood
I love treason but hate a traitor. -- Gaius Julius Caesar
"I thought your job was to serve and protect, not sexually harass!" -- Jenny F., after being ogled by a group of police
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
A chronic disposition to inquiry deprives domestic felines of vital qualities.
Beer before liquor never been sicker, liquor before beer have no fear. -- Unknown
"Yes, once again the Weekly Leg of Death and Pain has attacked." -- Jason Holliman, referring to his persistent leg problems
John: "Mabye you should stop taking the paint off that and take a break" Brian: "The big purple cow standing on the neon clown told me I can't!" -- While removing paint off some old furniture and leaving the turpentine can open too long.
We'll always have paris. -- Rick Blaine, Casablanca
"We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold." -- D.W. Robertson.
Viewed from the summit of reason, all life looks like a malignant disease and the world like a madhouse. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
"The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity." -- Oscar Wilde
That boy fell out of the ugly tree and hit the fat rock at the bottom! -- Jamie C.
"In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come back to us with a certain alienated majesty." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
RADICALISM, n. The conservatism of to-morrow injected into the affairs of to-day. -- Ambrose Bierce
I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. -- Winston Churchill
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana. -- Groucho Marx
"Wait a minute. People die in war? But that's wrong!" -- Heather Emeneau, when recounting the casualties of WWII during grade 12 Global History class.
"No, this trick won't work...How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?" -- attributed to Albert Einstein
"The art of government is the organization of idolatry." -- George Bernard Shaw
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies. -- Groucho Marx
Scott's first Law: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
Zhizn' prozhit'--ne pole pereiti.  [Life's a bitch.]  [Well, okay. lit., to live through life is not as simple as crossing a field. Happy now?] -- Russian proverb
Genius is the talent of a person who is dead. -- Anonymous
If you wish to be happy for three days, get married.
"Artificial intelligences make mistakes too, only faster." -- Larry Wall
Kindness is just about the best you can do. -- Charles Bukowski
"A fanatic is a person who can't change his mind and won't change the subject" -- Winston Churchill
"Trying to do that job is like trying to put a cow together from 800 pounds of hamburger and some white glue." -- Mike Hodis
Your fortune stateth: Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
But life on the outside ain't easy no sequins, no elephants, no parading around, yeah, the tent goes up, and the tent comes down and they're stuck in this fucking town -- Ani Difranco
Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those for whom love still heals, even though they've been hurt before. -- Anonymous
When you're away, I'm restless, lonely- Wretched, bored, dejected; only- here's the rub, my darling dear, I feel the same when you are here. -- Samuel Hoffenstein
CANNON, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries. -- Ambrose Bierce
"The best teacher is the one who suggests rather than dogmatizes, and inspires his listener with the wish to teach himself." -- Edward Bulwer-Lytton
Faith is like electricity. You can't see it, but you can see the light. -- Anonymous
Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
"Of course there's a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don't take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates..." -- Anonymous
Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world... -- Wally Shawn
I think that I shall never see A billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall I'll never see a tree at all. -- Ogden Nash
"Who will protect the public when the police violate the law?" -- Ramsey Clark
"Okay, there's a little girl down the street in pajamas and a Santa Claus hat dancing around her yard and singing about some damn moose... it's times like this that I really LOVE this neighbourhood!" -- "Uncle" Ben
He knew everything about literature except how to enjoy it. -- Joseph Heller, "Catch 22"
Whoever gossips to you will gossip about you. -- Spanish proverb
"If these people would lower the prices, we Americans would buy more!" -- U.S. tourist, overheard in Tigre, Argentina
Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo. -- Al Gore, U.S. Vice President
Your fortune stateth: You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
A woman drove me to drink, I never even wrote to thank her. -- W.C. Feilds
The grace of imperfection is worth more than graceless imperfection. -- Alex von Wuthenau
"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in his home." -- Kenneth H. Olson, President of DEC, Convention of the World Future 
"The stone age was marked by man's clever use of crude tools; the information age, to date, has been marked by man's crude use of clever tools." -- Anon.
We can't buy more time, cause time won't accept our money. -- Bad Religion
The creation of a thousand forests is in one acorn. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Think of all the beauty thats still left in and around you and be happy! -- Anne Frank
And we say goodbye, and go underground or up towards the sky- up in smoke, burnt down to size. At least we're still friends. At least we're still alive. -- The Alkaline Trio
There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy ... -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Guns don't kill people; people kill people.
"He jests at scars that never felt a wound" -- Romeo
A man who has committed a mistake and doesn't correct it is committing another mistake. -- Confucius
It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop. -- Confucious
"It's the Rubber Pants Commandos!" -- Max
"Scandium is SCANDALOUS!!" -- Colin D. in Chemistry class during a discussion of the elements.
I'm also looking to make small animal-killing noises on a violin. -- Jody LaFerriere, contemplating music lessons
"This is patently absurd; but whoever wishes to become a philosopher must learn not to be frightened by absurdities." -- Bertrand Russell
Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics: 1- Get elected. 2- Get Re-elected. 3- Don't get mad, get even. -- Sen. Everett Dirksen
I'm convinced that every boy, in his heart, would rather steal second base than an automobile. -- Tom Clark
"The root of all superstition is that men observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses." -- Francis Bacon
Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time. -- Pericles
Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! -- Adventures of Asterix.
"The thing about iron is that you generally don't have to think fast in dealing with it." -- Terry Pratchett, _Lords and Ladies_
If it is your time, love will track you down like a cruise missile. -- Lynda Barry
"Do you think that if I could open it myself I would still BE here?" -- Ellie
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open. -- Anonymous
You know what I like to do best? I like to clean my ears. -- Karen
The Middle Eastern states aren't nations; they're quarrels with borders. -- P. J. O'Rourke
Your fortune stateth: Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
"If Christopher Colombus found America, why didn't he keep it?" -- Andy
"All that is human must retrograde if it do not advance." -- Edward Gibbon
Count your age with friends but not with years. -- Anonymous
"Its always fun and games until someone gets hurt, then it's just fun." -- Brant Schroeder
What we need is hatred. From it our ideas are born. -- Jean Genet , "The Blacks"
"Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves." -- Abraham Lincoln
Of all the days that was the one-an age of reason could have begun. -- Galileo, (1564-1642)
No man is good enough to govern another man without that other's consent. -- Abraham Lincoln
Without adventure, civilization is in full decay. -- Alfred North Whitehead
Thou art not up my butt... -- Evie, while trying to explain to Melissa how one goes about writing a Shakespearean-style sentence.
"It's WATER. This is WASHINGTON." -- Jen in a busy restroom where nobody would go in the stall with the dripping ceiling.
Who are you calling a melting piece of poo, you nostril flake! -- Heather
Bad habits are like a comfortable bed, easy to get into, but hard to get out of. -- Anonymous
Julie: "It sounds like congenital warts." Jen: "I think you mean genital warts." Julie: "You're right. I should have myself examined .... [pause] Not for warts."
"I've just read that I'm dead. Don't forget to delete me from your list of subscribers." -- Rudyard Kipling - writing to a magazine that had mistakenly published an announcement of his death
Kunst ist Scheisse -- Dadaist Motto
Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
I know on which side my bread is buttered. -- John Heywood
"I shall return. It's off to the death machine trampoline with me." -- Overheard on IRC by Ellie
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
"Our passions are like convulsion fits, which, though they make us stronger for a time, leave us the weaker ever after." -- Alexander Pope
"Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call." -- Richard Lewis
A limerick packs laughs anatomical Into space that is quite economical. But the good ones I've seen So seldom are clean, And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
"He who has never hoped can never despair." -- George Bernard Shaw
Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described with pictures.
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you. -- Woody Allen
Happiness, n.: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"I lost my memory five years ago." -- Eleanor
Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.: The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
"According to the Buddha, these are all signs of a false identity: fear, attachment, shame, compulsion and rigidity. Hmmm. I feel like if I didn't have these things, I'd never clean my house. What's up with that?" -- Nerissa Nields
Cute Waitress at Perkins: Enjoy your food! Drew: You too!
"Look at it as eating cereal, just with butter instead of milk." -- Jen's justification for eating popcorn for breakfast at work at 9 a.m.
No titties, no titties -- Nutty Professor
"Every time I try to define a perfectly stable person, I am appalled by the dullness of that person." -- J. D. Griffin
To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools. -- Anonymous
"You know you're getting old when everyone you meet reminds you of someone you already know." -- Rusty S., age 30.
"I got dumb; call me back when I'm smart." -- Becky
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
No longer shall I paint interiors with men reading and women knitting. I will paint living people who breather and feel and suffer and love. -- Edvard Munch
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there is always a future in Computer Maintenance. -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
"A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on." -- William Burroughs
"There you go with your fetal position again..." -- Janet Dahl, upon finding Shannon Hartzler curled up on the floor in exhaustion.
"It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious." -- Oscar Wilde
You just gotta wonder, what's gonna happen to that peanut next? -- Rob
Age before beauty; and pearls before swine. -- Dorothy Parker
"What am I supposed to do with all my stuff?" -- Paul B., upon being told that Jen was leaving him
H. L. Mencken's Law: Those who can -- do. Those who can't -- teach. Martin's Extension: Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
"The more corrupt the republic, the more numerous the laws." -- Cornelius Tacitus
To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage. -- Lao Tzu
Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
"Ack! Hey! I'm a snow goon! Or something like that!" -- Ellie
WRONG!
Vietnam was the first war ever fought without any censorship. Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind. -- General William Westmoreland
Every cripple has his own way of walking. -- Brendan Behan
Hey kid, it's a great big world out there that you think you need to see. Hey kid, go on and live that life, but live it without me! -- The Ataris
Her name is Lisa Church? Is her sister Rent A. Cathedral? -- R. Cunningham
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. -- Anonymous
Westheimer's Discovery: A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in the library.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. -- George Gobel
You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
Doesn't he get it? Should I wave a big red flag with "I Hate You" written on it? -- Nicki
The First Rule of Program Optimization: Don't do it. The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): Don't do it yet. -- Michael Jackson
In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing. -- Ninon De L'Enclos (1616-1706)
Liz: I like him so much, I'd lay right down in the floor for him if he asked me to. Beth: That's good. It'll make it easier for him to walk all over you.
In a country as big as the United States, you can find fifty examples of anything. -- Jeffery F. Chamberlain
As long as you have nothing to shoot for, you will always have plenty of ammunition. -- John Ward
Indeed, I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just: that his justice cannot sleep forever. -- Thomas Jefferson
Pardon me while I laugh.
"Ummmm.... you mean we need money?" -- Michael, heard talking to bouncer while trying to get into a Poster Children concert.
People's whole lives do pass in front of their eyes before they die. The process is called 'living'. -- Terry Pratchett, "The Last Continent"
We, as we read, must become Greeks, Romans, Turks, priest and king, martyr and executioner, that is, must fasten these images to some reality in our secret experience, or we shall see nothing, learn nothing, keep nothing. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Maybe after dark, the jack fairies will come and put all of the jacks up." -- Kathy, at the end of a day of building a house. (Jacks are the part of a building frame that go above the windows to hold up your roof.)
The reward of suffering is experience. -- Aeschylus
You have two ears and only one mouth for a reason -- Buddhist Belief
"Well maybe if you took off yo chastity belt, maybe you could breathe a little bit mo' betta!" -- Kate
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. -- Jack Handey
We hope your rules and your wisdom choke you. -- Radiohead
"A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street." -- Doug Linder
The things you fear are undefeatable, not by there nature, but by your approach -- Jewel Kiltcher (Singer)
It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house. -- Proverbs 21:9
The real voyage of discovery consists of not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes. -- Marcel Proust
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
Freedom of the press is limited to those who own one -- Henry Louis Mencken
I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. -- Jack Kerouac
Charity begins at home. -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? A: Because it was on the other side.
A scientist can discover a new star, but he cannot make one. He would have to ask an engineer to do that. -- Gordon L. Glegg, American Engineer, 1969
PRUDE, n. A bawd hiding behind the back of her demeanor. -- Ambrose Bierce
Your fortune stateth: You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
Baseball is the only field of endeavor where a man can succeed three times out of ten and be considered a good performer. -- Ted Williams
We taught the mirror how to admire itself -- Modest Mouse
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about. -- Oscar Wilde
Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
A good marriage is like a casserole, only those responsible for it really know what goes in it. -- Anonymous
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteeen. -- Albert Einstein
Red meat is _not_ bad for you. Now blue-green meat, *that's* bad for you!
Most of the evils of life arise from man's being unable to sit still in a room. -- Blaise Pascal
People who are sensible about love are incapable of it. -- Douglas Yates
186,282 miles per second: It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
Your fortune stateth: You are number 6!  Who is number one?
NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party. -- Ambrose Bierce
"Good hours, excellent pay, fun place to work, paid training, mean boss. Oh well, four out of five isn't bad." -- Help Wanted Ad, PA newspaper, 1994
"Darling Carrot, do you think you could ever love a cripple?" "No, I don't think so." -- Rotting Vegetables In The Sink
Women are the only exploited group in history to have been idealized into powerlessness. -- Erica Jong
If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one. -- John Galsworthy
Perhaps the most valuable result of all education is the ability to make yourself do the thing you have to do, when it ought to be done, whether you like it or not. -- Aldous Huxley
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
"I'm gonna go take a dip." "Which one? Erin or Alison?" -- overheard at the pool
"Philanthropy is the refuge of rich people who wish to annoy their fellow creatures." -- Oscar Wilde
"'Right, you bastards, you're... you're geography.'" -- Terry Pratchett, _Guards! Guards!_
"I have got two daughters and both are girls." -- Teacher telling his students about his family.
I won't pay for liberty, I think it should be free. You always wanna take so much but you won't be takin' me, no you won't be takin' me. -- Angelic Upstarts
Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out if it alive.
"I can't give you a brain, but I can give you a diploma" -- The Wizard of Oz to the Scarecrow, as posted on the door of professor at Temple University Law School
Your fortune stateth: It's all in the mind, ya know.
Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it -- Russel Baker
DUTY, n. That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire. -- Ambrose Bierce
"You know, it's amazing how well you can get to know a woman if you just take the time out and stalk her." -- Dan
"Hi, this is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number ... and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI ... BEEEEP" -- Blue Devil Comics
No matter how sophisticated you may be, a huge granite mountain cannot be denied--it speaks in silence to the very core of your being. -- Ansel Adams
Colors, like features, follow the changes of the emotions. -- Pablo Picasso
When all other means of communication fail, try words.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. -- Seen on a bumper sticker
PROVIDENTIAL, adj. Unexpectedly and conspicuously beneficial to the person so describing it. -- Ambrose Bierce
"Oooh! Free toothpick!" -- Melissa, ordering free stuff over the Internet.
Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and not clothed. -- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Yeah, seven is about as old as I want them. Because when they get to second grade, they start adding all sorts of body parts that I don't want them to have yet. -- Karen, talking about children's drawings. Really.
The last good thing written in C++ was the Pachelbel Canon. -- Jerry Olson
Music is the silence between the notes. -- Claude Debussy
Too bad you can't get a voodoo globe and make the world spin around really fast and freak everyone out. -- Jack Handey
LAZINESS, n. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree. -- Ambrose Bierce
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my garage door."
A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. -- Mark Twain
It's not like I have 2 eyes or anything. -- Alex
Epperson's law: When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at. -- Anonymous
I have learned throughout my life as a composer chiefly through my mistakes and pursuits of false assumptions, not by my exposure to founts of wisdom and knowledge. -- Igor Stravinsky
Oh dear. This calls for a very special blend of psychology ... and EXTREME VIOLENCE! -- Vyvian, "The Young Ones: Bambi"
"Don't be part of the problem, be the problem!" -- Sara Giddings
"Virtue has never been as respectable as money." -- Mark Twain
It is always right that a man should be able to render a reason for the faith that is within him. -- Sydney Smith
Absent, adj.: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered.
"Three days biking home through the rain at night... finally no rain -- and no air in my tyre." -- my brother Stephan at 3 a.m., after walking from work.
The most terrible poverty is loneliness and the feeling of being unloved. -- Mother Teresa
"Give me chastity and continence, but not yet." -- St. Augustine of Hippo - Bishop of Hippo
"I will require sufficient beer to process this effectively." -- me after seeing my web search return 2000+ entries.
Decaffeinated coffee is kind of like kissing your sister. -- Bob Irwin
CONTEMPT, n. The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed. -- Ambrose Bierce
Being kissed on the back of the knee is a moth at the windowscreen ... -- Anne Sexton
"Well, I am not going to cry in my milk." -- Shannon
Pauca sed matura. [Few but excellent.] -- Gauss
"#3533. The law disregards trifles." -- California Civil Code, "Maxims of Jurisprudence"
"Mmmm.... chocolate fingernail polish.... Hey, I'm trying to quit biting my nails over here!" -- Jen
"You don't know love if you don't know Andre." -- our dim friend Shelby on her obsession with Andre Agassi
If all these sweet young things were laid end to end, I wouldn't be the slightest bit surprised. -- Dorothy Parker
An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition. -- Michael Korda
Life is a giant ball of stress with powder puffs of stressed compactness. -- Lisa
There is nothing more helpless and irresponsible than a man in the depths of an ether binge -- Hunter S. Thompson
Your fortune stateth: You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first.
I drink to prepare for a fight. Tonight I am very prepared. -- Soda Popinski
Insomnia is a gross feeder. It will nourish itself on any kind of thinking, including thinking about not thinking. -- Clifton Fadiman
"Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion." -- Mark Twain
"My Peter Pan existence is being threatened!" -- N. Jones, upon graduating from college.
Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the land He's trying to ignore.
"A cult is a religion with no political power." -- Tom Wolfe
"Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects." -- Will Rogers
Darling Fascist Bully Boy, Give me some more money, you bastard. May the seed of your loin be fruitful in the belly of your woman. (The letter Neil writes to his bank manager with help from the rest of the guys in "Cash") -- Neil, "Cash"
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science. -- Albert Einstein
"We are all worms, but I believe I am a glowworm." -- Winston Churchill
"If you're going to America, bring your own food." -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
The conquer'd, also, and enslaved by war, Shall, with their freedom lost, all virtue lose. -- John Milton
When they tell you to grow up, they mean stop growing. -- Tom Robbins
"Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl could want in life, except for good taste in men." -- Wedding Toast
"Hey baby, my love is like a wrecking ball. Wanna help me swing it?" -- James Sproul, Bakersfield College
I have learned To spell hors d'oeuvres Which still grates on Some people's n'oeuvres. -- Warren Knox
"To fall into a habit is to begin to cease to be." -- Miguel de Unamuno y Jugo
Coward, n.: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
"Chaos often breeds life when order breeds habit." -- Henry Brooks Adams
Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own shortcomings, they gradually begin to seem mild harmless, rather engaging little things, not at all like the staring defects in other people's characters. -- Margaret Halsey
The public health authorities never mention the main reason many Americans have for smoking heavily, which is that smoking is a fairly sure, fairly honorable form of suicide. -- Kurt Vonnegut
You look really drunk and I smell really stoned. -- H.K., on the prospect of sneaking out of the dorm as freshmen.
Anyone who knows anything of history knows that great social changes are impossible without feminine upheaval. Social progress can be measured exactly by the social position of the fair sex, the ugly ones included. -- Karl Marx
I need some help with this squishy-squishy! -- the Girl whose name dare not be spoken (a.k.a. Sherry)
Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to.
Optimization hinders evolution.
"The education of a man is never completed until he dies." -- Robert Edward Lee
"You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience." -- Stanislaw J. Lem
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian."
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. -- Charlie Brown
"His eyes weren't looking at me, but his tongue was." -- Julie J. about the dog that was looking at Jen but licking Julie's hand.
Wanna try some of my shepherd's pie? It's made of 100% shepherd! -- R. Mercado
Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan, Saturday Evening Post, 1965
A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous. -- Ingrid Bergman
"Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage." -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post
"Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent." -- Fred Allen
We have been friends together in sunshine and in shade. -- Caroline Norton
What luck for the rulers that men do not think. -- Adolf Hitler
Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
"I'd like a chopped corn sandwich, a large fried milk, and eighteen napkins, please. Oh yeah, and lots of hot sauce." -- Robert at the Taco Bell drive-thru
"Every religion goes through a period of zealous expansion 700 years after its founding. Linux just speeds things up on Internet Time Squared." -- cdr
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
Air is water with holes in it
Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" means the price went way up.
"Know what I hate most? Rhetorical quesions" -- Henry N. Camp
"When a man says he had pleasure with a woman he does not mean conversation." -- Samuel Johnson
The unexamined life is not worth living. -- Socrates
But a stranger in a strange land, he is no one: men know him not-and to know not is to care not for. -- Bram Stoker, Dracula, 1897
"Trapped, like a trap in a trap." -- Dorothy Parker
"A small town is a place where there's no place to go where you shouldn't." -- Burt Bacharach
Keep you Eye on the Ball, Your Shoulder to the Wheel, Your Nose to the Grindstone, Your Feet on the Ground, Your Head on your Shoulders. Now ... try to get something DONE!
Oh Lord, you know it ain't easy, you know how hard it can be, they way things are goin', they're gonna crucify me -- John Lennon
"Your ass is grass, homie!!" -- Heard coming from the bedroom as my dad played the computer in a particularly thrilling game of chess.
"Oh, come on, you can do better than that, you ill-begotten son of a wombat!" -- Daniel "Fluffy"
"Where's the beef?" -- Heather, at McDonald's, after getting burgers with no patties.
"If I rescued a child from drowning the Press would no doubt headline the story "Benn grabs child".' -- Tony Benn - British Politician
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. -- Laurence J. Peter
"I see music as the augmentation of a split second of time." -- Erin Cleary
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
If you hate your parents, the man or the establishment, don't show them up by getting wasted and wrapping your car around a tree. If you really want to rebel against your parents: outearn them, outlive them, and know more than they do. -- Henry Rollins
"You'll never be the man your mother was!"
"My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's." -- Oscar Wilde
In the fight between you and the world, back the world. -- Franz Kafka
"Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender." -- W. C. Fields
For most of history, Anonymous was a woman. -- Virginia Woolf
Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but nothing of interest is easy.
To defeat them, First we must understand them. -- Elie Wiesel
"If Pete fails the test, he'll look like a sucker and end up waxing floors like Cecil Tucker" -- Pete And Pete
"You know you're getting old when you start leaving the same smells in the bathroom that your parents did." -- Rob
Disc space -- the final frontier!
This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings.
Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. -- Frank Zappa
"I dunno? About five pounds and a flannel shirt?" -- Sara Liner
"You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a firefly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart." -- Fred Allen
One cannot explain the existence of genius. It is better to enjoy it. -- Ernst Gombrich
"There's a technological breakthrough on your left elbow" -- Ellie (Don't ask.)
How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
Carpe the Freakin' Diem. -- Pete Holmes
"Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can." -- Danny Kaye
Ellie: "You weren't even BORN when I was 2, you don't know." Andrew: "Yeah, well I was a little egg with arms and legs, and I looked out of Mommy's bellybutton and watched you eat blue jean pulp."
What's so funny?
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." -- Oscar Wilde
"Hey look, it's the Milk Cannon of Death." -- Andy Z., after crushing an empty milk carton and discovering that the residual milk squirted out when force was applied.
Charlotte: What did you see on my webpage? Me: Purple writing. Charlotte: It's blue. Me: Purple, blue, same color!
Anything too stupid to be said, is sung. -- Voltaire
The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
God's final message to Creation: Sorry for the inconvenience. -- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Series
A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles in the road. -- Alexander Smith
Oh my god, someone hot-boxed the world! -- Leslie, noticing the incredible fog outside
Forgive and forget. -- Cervantes
"Do you ever feel like you're repeating yourself? Do you ever feel like you're repeating yourself? Do you ever feel like... uh..." -- Dr. Roach, British Lit Professor, SFASU
"General Tso's chicken looks like an open wound." -- Margaret the paralegal
"Grown men do not need leaders." -- Edward Abbey
To achieve harmony in bad taste is the height of elegance. -- Jean Genet , "The Thief's Journal"
Mike: Oww, Shawna's abusing me! Mr. Neff: Keep up the good work, Shawna.
I believe God is managing affairs and that He doesn't need any advice from me. With God in charge, I believe everything will work out for the best in the end. So what is there to worry about. -- Henry Ford
Power (n): The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. -- Anonymous
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
ADA, n.: Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness."
"I used to think I was god. I don't think that anymore. I know it." -- Ryan
Hell is paved with good samaritans. -- William M. Holden
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough. -- Karl Marx, dying words to his housekeeper
"The disappearance of a sense of responsibility is the most far-reaching consequence of submission to authority." -- Stanley Milgram
Happiness consists in activity; such as the constitution of our nature; it is a running stream, and not a stagnant pool. -- Anonymous
Painting is just another way of keeping a diary. -- Pablo Picasso
The trouble with quotes about death is that 99.999 percent of them are made by people who are still alive. -- Joshua Bruns
Down with categorical imperative!
"Christianity makes suffering contagious." -- Friedrich Nietzsche
We are most probably here for local information-gathering and local-Universe problem-solving in support of the integrity of eternally regenerative Universe -- Buckminster Fuller
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
"A relationship with Will is a cross between MST3K, Love Story, and, um... the Terminator." -- Michelle Zalas, shortly after a breakup.
Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
"Don't tell my mother I'm in politics - she thinks I play the piano in a whorehouse." -- Anonymous
Melissa: You know, the island with the galloping tortoises. Amanda: You mean the Galapagos Islands? Melissa: Yeah, them. I always thought tortoises were slow.
Winter is an etching, spring a watercolor, summer an oil painting and autumn a mosaic of them all. -- Stanley Horowitz
Nothing has really happened until it has been recorded. -- Virginia Woolf
Never send a monster to do the work of an evil genius.
"Whoever ceases to be a student has never been a student." -- George Iles
"That's not a lie, it's a terminological inexactitude." -- Alexander Meigs Haig, Jr.
Eloquence is logic on fire.
Here i am, getting older all the time, looking older all the time, feeling younger in my mind -- Goldfinger
"After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an auto accident it makes you wonder about history." -- Bits & Pieces
Oh, sorry. Your sweater is fuzzy. -- Laura S. at the movie theater, to the person sitting in front of us who noticed Laura petting the soft, fuzzy sweater on the back of her chair.
"Mark! Neil's trying to give me prostate cancer!" -- Marty, during a field trip bus ride, complaining to the teacher about the bus driver who wouldn't stop for a third potty break.
"I hate women because they always know where things are." -- James Thurber
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
Out of sight is out of mind. -- Arthur Clough -- Owen Meredith
"Hey! There's a shower in there! That's so if you catch on fire you can put yourself out." -- Joe
Shannon: What do bones taste like, Steffi? Steffi, age 3: Bones.
"There's no secret. You just press the accelerator to the floor and steer left." -- Bill Vukovich - US Race driver - Explaining his success at the Indianapolis 500.
When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped. -- Anonymous
"America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its tail it knocks over a chair." -- Arnold Toynbee
"The world would be much better off if people would stop trying to run it, and leave the 'Godding' to God." -- Joe Ely Carrales, III
Eat bananas, 'cause it's not just a fruit, it's a way of life! -- Colleen
Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good offense!
"Poison is in everything, and no thing is without poison. The dosage makes it either a poison or a remedy." -- Theophrastus Bombastus von Hohenheim
"Who is General Failure, and why does he keep reading my hard drive?" -- Laura V., after another round of 'puter trouble
Swipple's Rule of Order: He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
"Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering." -- Anonymous
Everything exists in limited quantity - especially happiness. -- Picasso
If you ever drop your keys into a pool of lava, forget about them, cuz man, they're gone -- Jack Handey
We should comport ourselves with the masterpieces of art as with exalted personages -- stand quietly before them and wait until they speak to us. -- Arthur Schopenhauer
The Greatest trick the devil ever pulled, was convincing the world he didn't exist. -- The Usual Suspects
The whole conviction of my life now rests upon the belief that loneliness, far from being a rare and curious phenomenon, peculiar to myself and to a few other solitary men, is the central and inevitable fact of human existence. -- Thomas Wolfe
No poet sings because he must sing. At least no great poet does. A great poet sings because he chooses to sing. -- Anonymous
Trifles make perfections, but perfection is itself no trifle. -- Shaker proverb
God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
"Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow." -- Oscar Wilde
If written directions alone would suffice, libraries wouldn't need to have the rest of the universities attached. -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners" columnist and author
"Shouldn't we be carefully placing these comics in plastic bags?" "No, we have lives." -- MST3K
"The Hitch Hiker's Guide has not been an opera. It has however been a tapestry, if you count a woven bath towel as a tapestry." -- Douglas Adams
Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles. Oh, and have a nice day! -- Bryce Nesbitt '84
Take away love and our earth is a tomb. -- Robert Browning
"Only a mediocre man is always at his best." -- W. Somerset Maugham
People who don't drink,...when they wake up in the morning, thats as goood as they are going to feel all day!!!!!!!! -- Cricket
"Never moon a werewolf." -- Mike Binder
Coronation, n.: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"If I would be saying that to you, I would be fabricating to you." -- John J. Dadonna, Superintendent of Schools
The position of the artist if humble. He is essentially a channel. -- Piet Mondrian
"This restaurant was advertising breakfast any time. So I ordered french toast in the renaissance." -- Steven Wright - comedian
In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take. -- Adlai Stevenson
"Cute cat, whats its name?" "Annoying customer." "Fuck you asshole!" -- Two Guys
Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods. -- Aristotle, "Nichomachean Ethics"
I recently heard about a mass murderer who killed seventeen people in three days... they say he was a loner. Well, of course he was. He apparently killed everyone he came in contact with! -- George Carlin
"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?"
...the first man to use abusive language instead of his fists was the founder of civilization. -- Sigmund Freud
POLICE, n. An armed force for protection and participation. -- Ambrose Bierce
Your fortune stateth: An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.
Don't be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin. -- Grace Hansen
"The way of the portable computer user is as a stony path strewn with plugs and sockets, all the wrong size..." -- Terry Pratchett
"Man is ready to die for an idea, provided that idea is not quite clear to him." -- Paul Eldridge
"For every prohibition you create you also create an underground." -- Jello Biafra
% Ellen is here! Ellen is here! -- exclaimed when Ellen walked into a 90-minute class 88 minutes late.
Technology makes it possible for people to gain control over everything, except over technology. -- John Tudor
Your fortune stateth: You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with dirt is concerned.
"Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock." -- Wynn Catlin
"Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don't have the time." -- Tallulah Bankhead - actress
You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles. -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
"#3529. That which ought to have been done is to be regarded as done." -- California Civil Code, "Maxims of Jurisprudence"
A painting requires a little mystery, some vagueness, some fantasy. When you always make your meaning perfectly plain you end up boring people -- Edgar Degas
The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak. -- Wavy Gravy
Humor is the absence of terror, and terror the absence of humor. -- Lord Richard Buckley
Taxes, n.: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get an extension.
"Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity." -- Robert Firth
Tommy, i'm gonna kill you! -- as the english teacher tries to choke Tommy in the middle of class.
Your fortune stateth: Cold hands, no gloves.
Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
"We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities." -- Robin Williams - "Good Morning Vietnam"
Lord, what fools these mortals be! -- Shakespear, A Midsummer Night's Dream (III, ii, 115)
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
All glory comes from daring to begin. -- Eugene F. Ware
"Sucks to be you." -- my friend Lisa Goreman, as I ran into a trashcan which fell over and rolled down a concrete hill at school and hit the security guard's car.
For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that who soever beliveth in his shall not parish, but have everlasting life... -- John 3:16
A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a long-distance caw.
"We're all gonna be three little Fonzies - and what was Fonzie?!", "Cool?", "Correct-a-mundo!" -- Jules and Yolanda, Pulp Fiction
I read an article on me once that described my machine-method of silk-screen copying and painting- 'What a bold and audacious solution, what depths of the man are revealed in this solution!' What does that mean? -- Andy Warhol
"I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly." -- Oscar Wilde
"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't." -- Dagwood Bumstead
"Give women the vote, and in five years, there will be a crushing tax on bachelors." -- George Bernard Shaw 
"I think that I don't understand a thing you just said." -- John D.
"When you're cool, the world is pouring mud up your nose."
Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the imagination is the plot.
"You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements." -- Norman Douglas
The only things that you need in life are a free bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken and a spork. -- Baisden
Whenever I say something they find hard to hear, they chalk it up to my anger and never to their own fear. -- Ani Difranco(Pretty_girl)
This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts.
Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards. -- Soren Kierkegaard
I am the primitive of the way I have discovered. -- Paul Cezanne
Anything is possible, unless it's not.
Don't speak unless you can improve upon the silence -- Spanish Proverb
He stresses me out! His sweater's on backwards! -- Lesley Cervantes
We always believe our first love is our last, and our last love our first. -- Anonymous
"Then, when they're all done, they push the houses back together." -- Don Pelto
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
You should check under the chicken. -- Lynn, assisting a hunt for tomato chunks
"Colleges are places where pebbles are polished and diamonds are dimmed." -- R.S. Ingersoll
Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun. -- Matt Groening, Love is Hell
Capitalism is like an island of wealth, surrounded by a sea of poverty. -- Noam Chomsky
The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius. -- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist"
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done." -- Steven Wright
All science is either physics or stamp collecting. -- E. Rutherford
Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. -- M. C. Reed
Ordinary riches can be stolen, real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. -- Oscar Wilde
There's no future in time travel
It would have worked if it had done what I wanted it to... -- Katie Mattson
Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish. -- Albert Einstein
Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. -- John F. Kennedy
Johnson's First Law: When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the most inconvenient possible time.
Talk to a man about himself and he will listen for hours. -- Benjamin Disraeli
"Hey! Where you twos's goin'?" -- security guard
"The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper." -- Smith & Jones
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
Every day, people are straying away from the church and going back to God. -- Lenny Bruce
If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to invent it.
Arthur's Laws of Love: (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else. (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.
Sex is one of the 9 reasons for reincarnation, the other 8 are unimportant. -- Henry Miller
"Do you want cheese or lettuce on your taco?" -- Taco shop waiter to Buck in Seattle in 1970.
Your fortune stateth: You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
"Solutions are not the answer." -- Richard Nixon
If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it.
...one of the tests of a theory is that, once grasped, it appears self-evident. -- Arthur Koestler
Chicago, n.: Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
"In California everyone goes to a therapist, is a therapist, or is a therapist going to a therapist." -- Truman Capote
Egotist, n.: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Ouch! Okay, so that hurt. -- the inimitable 'Nadler', who had just stabbed herself in the eye with liquid eyeliner.
Your fortune stateth: You fill a much-needed gap.
"New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you." -- David Letterman
Although humans tend to view sex as mainly a fun recreational activity sometimes resulting in death, in nature it is a far more serious matter. -- Dave Barry
By perseverance the snail reached the Ark. -- Charles Spurgeon
"Hey-hey! Hey you drivin'? Ha ha ha ha-hey-you drivin'?" -- Bee Jay Joyer
Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it. -- Homer
"Hey, do you hear their phone ringing? C'mon, let's go ring their doorbell!" --"Uncle" Ben, while we were walking through his neighborhood.
Through all the world there goes one long cry from the heart of the artist: Give me leave to do my utmost. -- Isak Dineson, "Babette's Feast"
"We're going to run around like brazen idiots." -- Gabe and Jeff, when asked what they were doing for spring break
A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
Everything should be built top-down, except this time.
"Life is like an overlong drama through which we sit being nagged by the vague memories of having read the reviews." -- John Updike
He couldn't find his butt with both hands tied behind his back. -- Mac, about the incompetance of a co-worker.
There are times when parenthood seems nothing but feeding the mouth that bites you. -- Peter De Vries
You don't really own anything you can't carry on your back at a dead run. -- Daniel Keys Moran
"Work to survive, survive by consuming, survive to consume; the hellish cycle is complete." -- Raoul Vaneigem
(1) Everything depends. (2) Nothing is always. (3) Everything is sometimes.
"I can be a jerk and no one can stop me!" -- Homer Simpson
Accordion, n.: A bagpipe with pleats.
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess
Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors.
Meskimen's Law: There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.
Eventually the revolutionaries become the established culture, and then what will they do -- Linus Torvalds
"We should set up this scholarship for students who have survived a terminal illness." -- RKW
"We enact many laws that manufacture criminals, and then a few that punish them." -- Benjamin Ricketson Tucker
Consolation from imaginary things is not an imaginary consolation -- Roger Scruton
Son, I'm not going to lie to you. You're dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride I say take it -- Grandpa Simpson
You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it come true. -- Richard Bach
The child is the father of the man. -- William Wordsworth
Decisionmaker, n.: The person in your office who was unable to form a task force before the music stopped.
"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?" -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
Besides learning to see, there is another art to be learned - not to see what is not. -- Maria Mitchell
After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the cost to others, to win advancement. -- Norman Thomas
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
She's genuinely bogus.
"Does not enable user to fly" -- Warning on Batman cape
"And that's the world in a nutshell, an appropriate receptacle." -- Stan Dunn
"There's a whole world happening in my pants that no one knows about!" -- Nancy, discussing leg-warmers.
A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.
"Humanity either makes, or breeds, or tolerates all its afflictions." -- Herbert George Wells
Your fortune stateth: Don't feed the bats tonight.
God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved.
If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
A poem is never finished, only abandoned. -- Paul Valery
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal ideas from many is research. -- Anonymous
QUOTATION, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words erroneously repeated. -- Ambrose Bierce
Living Gods have a way of being less divine when their armies have left -- Minda Zheng
"We killed 'em and ate 'em alive." -- Overheard at the Waffle House.
"I'll have that one, please." -- Herbert Beerbohm Tree - in a post office, pointing at a stamp in the middle of a sheet
In creating, the only hard thing is to begin: a grass blade's no easier to make than an oak. -- James Russell Lowell
Nothing Brings People together more, then mutual hatred -- Henry Rollins
Go climb a gravity well!
Shall I tell you what I think are the two qualities of a work of art? First, it must be the indescribable, and second, it must be inimitable. -- Pierre Auguste Renoir
"Life's too short for chess." -- H. J. Byron
Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
Creativity is contagious. Pass it on. -- Albert Einstein
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? -- Ursula K. LeGuin
The coziness between church and state is good for the state and bad for the church. -- G. K. Chesterton
"I'm going to slap you naked and hide your clothes!" -- anonymous Latin Teacher
Words are the voice of the heart.
Duckies are fun!
It's so elegant that it's wrong.
Your fortune stateth: Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.
Music begins to atrophy when it departs too far from the dance. -- Ezra Pound
"Those who control their passions do so because their passions are weak enough to be controlled." -- William Blake
There are times when I think that the ideal library is composed solely of reference books. They are like understanding friends; always ready to meet your mood, always ready to change the subject when you have had enough of this or that. -- J Donald Adams
Your fortune stateth: You now have Asian Flu.
The moment one gives close attention to any thing, even a blade of grass it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself. -- Henry Miller
"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it." -- Terry Pratchett
Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
When teaching, light a fire, don't fill a bucket. -- Dan Snow
I hope you have not been leading a double life, pretending to be wicked and being really good all the time. That would be hypocrisy. -- Oscar Wilde
My whole life spent wondering who's hiding behind this face of mine. -- All
I like your game but we have to change the rules.
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. -- Nathaniel Borenstein
Cults are cool if they don't suck. -- Lindy, reacting to Heaven's Gate
"Got any candy?" "No." "Got any weed?" "No." -- Dialogue between trick-or treating kids and friends on Halloween, 1996.
Happiness lies only in that which excites, and the only thing that excites is crime. -- Marquis de Sade
ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t. To confess. Acknowledgement of one another's faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth. -- Ambrose Bierce
Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light. -- Albert Schweitzer
"If you give me something, you have to take it back." -- Logan Sigle, after drinking a girl's Coke and then wanting her to throw the can away.
The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure pure reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little pratice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog! -- Calvin
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. -- R. Serling
All that is gold does not glitter. Not all those who wander are lost; -- J.R.R. Tolkein
Your fortune stateth: Don't worry.  Life's too long. -- Vincent Sardi, Jr.
"What weighs more, an ounce of ham or an ounce of Canadian bacon?" -- Tammy, trying to decide which one is healthier
"Everyone is as God has made him, and oftentimes a great deal worse." -- Miguel De Cervantes
First Rule of History: History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other.
"The only possible ETHIC is to do what one wants to do." -- William S. Burroughs
I know, I know, you're a feminist, and that's adorable, but this is grown up time, and I'm the man. -- Peter Griffin, The Family Man
"The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks." -- Emo Philips
A man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. He sits on a hot stove for a minute, it's longer than any hour. That is relativity. -- Albert Einstein
What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies. -- Aristotle
Wait real quick! -- Attendent at Maveric Market
"Posterity is as likely to be wrong as anybody else." -- Heywood Broun
"Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night." -- Candice Bergen
Ever have so much pot that.............. -- Emily
Your fortune stateth: You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
"Better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall." -- David Chambless
I don't want any colour to be noticeable... I don't want it to operate in the modernist sense as colour, something independent... Full, saturated colours have an emotional significance I want to avoid. -- Lucien Freud
"A book of quotations... can never be complete." -- Robert M. Hamilton
He became absorbed beyond mere happiness as he felt himself exercising control over living things. -- William Golding
"The American people know what they want, and deserve to get it, good and hard." -- Henry Louis Mencken
"My work always tried to unite the true with the beautiful; but when I had to choose one or the other, I usually chose the beautiful." -- Hermann Weyl
"Stop! I shall absorb you!" -- Amy K.
I've had plenty of Joe jobs, nothing I'd call a career. Lets just say I've got a healthy collection of name tags and hair nets -- Wayne, "Waynes World"
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Dan Quayle
Chris: "Mirror, Mirror seven fold. Who's the sexiest dressed in gold?" Tricky: "You must be talking about me, cousin." Chris: "Katie, YOU'RE NAKED."
You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think. -- Dorothy Parker
I learned this, at least, by my experiment; that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. -- Henry David Thoreau, "Walden"
Your fortune stateth: You have a will that can be influenced by all with whom you come in contact.
My nose is driving me craziness! -- Edward, age 3, who couldn't sleep due to a runny nose.
Fight war not wars, kill the power not the people -- Crass
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe. -- Carl Sagan
Your fortune stateth: You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
"If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it." -- Anonymous
What soon grows old? Gratitude. -- Aristotle
...And since the stench of death will always attract flies and vermin, the arrival of Geraldo was perhaps inevitable. -- Garry Trudeau
Your fortune stateth: You can create your own opportunities this week.  Blackmail a senior executive.
Deborah: "Dave, have you been putting my beanie babies in sexually suggestive positions?" Dave: "No... but look what you can do with them!" (Dave then proceeds to put the cow and frog beanie babies in a sexually suggestive position.)
The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
From the Far East I send you one single thought, one sole idea--written in red on every beachhead form Australia to Tokyo--There is no substitute for victory! -- General Douglas MacArthur
Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years. -- Anonymous
Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed. -- Mark Twain
"I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth--even if it costs him his job." -- Samuel Goldwyn
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a receipt.
"What's this, your cement collection?" -- Julie, lifting something while helping Jen move.
"My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.'" -- Steven Wright
Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul and yet no one ever comes to sit by it. Passersby see only a wisp of smoke rising from the chimney and continue on their way. -- Vincent Van Gogh
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.' -- Steven Wright
"Do you believe in intuition?" "No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will."
There is no proverb that is not true. -- Cervantes
Your fortune stateth: Is this really happening?
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
"A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do." -- Bob Dylan
Tauzin backs term limits -- But he thinks it's a bad idea. -- Headline, story in the New Orleans Times-Picayune, Feb 20, 1995
An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind. -- Buddha
So, you hate your job? Join our support group-it's called EVERYBODY! They meet at the bar -- Drew Carey
"...you can look inside my empty Skittles bag." "There's a stop-motion animation film festival going on in there!" -- Katie and Megan
Horngren's Observation: Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
Brock: Well ya see... Its a field of sound that gets enhanced with... um... digital thingies. Aaron: Oh... Yeah.
A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation. -- C.E. Ayres
"Hi! We're in the basement! Come on in.... Unless you have a gun, in which case, YOU ARE BAD! GO AWAY! -- Mary" (Found taped to front door at a Super Bowl party)
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, "What was that?!" -- Jack Handey
If anyone had realized that within 10 years this tiny system that was picked up almost by accident was going to be controlling 50 million computers, considerably more thought might have gone into it. -- Andy Tanenbaum, talking about MS-DOS
"Men have fiendishly conceived a heaven only to find it insipid, and a hell only to find it ridiculous." -- George Santayana
"There are very few people who are not ashamed of having been in love when they no longer love each other." -- La Rouchefoucauld
When I die, I'm going to leave my body to science fiction. -- Steven Wright
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." -- Sacha Guitry
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. -- Groucho Marx
"You learn something new every day. Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you just learned it, doesn't mean it's new. Other people already knew it." -- Holley
Love is the same as like except you feel sexier. -- Judith Viorst
"If cows had thumbs would they be allowed to drive cars?" -- Andy
One good turn usually gets most of the blanket.
Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. [If youth but knew, if old age but could.] -- Henri Estienne
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
"You got that 'Rocky Mountain Picture Show' tape with you?" -- Thomas, my father, while driving in the car, actually referring to the 'Rocky Horror Picture Show.'
You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a firefly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart. -- Fred Allen
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. -- Galileo Galilei
"Society produces rogues, and education makes one rogue cleverer than another." -- Oscar Wilde
The remarkable thing about television is that it permits several million people to laugh at the same joke and still feel lonely. -- T. S. Eliot
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
Are you wearing my pants? -- Emily, to a strange guy walking down the street.
Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
"I'll take Fucking Clues for $200." -- Mark
"Oh, I wish my roommate were here. She's a vegetarian." -- Alice, when her neighbor needed CPR. Alice's roommate was a veterinarian. (Who also didn't eat meat....)
The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs. -- Bill Maher
"I just think he's gonna get awfully tired!" -- Ryan, about the song "I'm gonna rock and roll all night and party every day".
"An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax." -- David Letterman
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. -- Jack Handey
Riiiiiiiiiight -- Dr. Evil
"'That's right,' he said. 'We're philosophers. We think, therefore we am.'" -- Terry Pratchett, _Small Gods_
Garlic is to Food what Insanity is to Art -- Anonymous
"Some visualize the Pistols era in shades of black and white. It wasn't. Actually, the colors I envision are neon or army dirt green with fluorescent pink--anything that would annoy." -- John Lydon
I bet she shags like a minx! -- Austin Powers
While Provolt and Shawn were on a midnight cruise of town... Manager of Bill's Super Value: "Okay, boys, what have you done with the turkeys?" After the manager had left: Provolt: "What did he think we did? Shove 'em up our shirts?"
Tweeds: "Look, a terrier." Ames: "Those little ankle bitters." Tweeds "In your case Ames, wouldn't that be 'knee biters'?" -- Sarah Tweedy and Ames, 4' 8 1/2", on a walk through Keene State College.
"I base my fashion sense on what doesn't itch." -- Gilda Radner
Remember that happiness is a way of travel, not a destination. -- Roy Goodman
"Education...has produced a vast population able to read but unable to distinguish what is worth reading." -- George Macaulay Trevelyan
"Creative minds have always been known to survive any kind of bad training." -- Anna Freud
"Do you realize how many children suffer when they get noodles up their noses? Ramen! It's dangerous." -- Tab
"Mr. Spock succumbs to a powerful mating urge and nearly kills Captain Kirk." -- TV Guide, describing the Star Trek episode "Amok Time"
"They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money." -- Al Capone - protesting the IRS claiming large sums of unpaid back tax.
"If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
Fats Loves Madelyn.
"The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn." -- David Russell
"The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom." -- Henry Louis Mencken
Fish aren't pets, they're part of the recommended daily allowance. -- Jennifer
It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. -- Becker's Law
One of the things which danger does to you after a time is -, well, to kill emotion. I don't think I shall ever feel anything again except fear. None of us can hate anymore - or love. -- Graham Greene - The Confidential Agent (1939)
Your fortune stateth: Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
"Stupidity has a certain charm -- ignorance does not." -- Frank Zappa
The Chinese can't pronounce my last name. The closest they can get to is "Ma'keb." The funny thing is, it also means "S***HEAD!" -- M. McCabe, ELI 0A1 Teacher
Life is not for everyone.
Playing it safe is the riskiest choice we can ever make. -- Sarah Ban Breathnach
During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon. In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher. She's a women who conks to stupor.
Your fortune stateth: You will be run over by a beer truck.
You did your math strategies wrong. there is no missing dollar. the men started out with thirty, 25 of that is with the manager, 2 of it is with the bellhop and they each have one dollar. -- Emily
You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it adds up to be real money. -- Everett McKinley Dirksen
"It is better of course to know useless things than to know nothing." -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real disasters in life begin when you get what you want.
This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation. -- Anonymous
"It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off." -- Woody Allen
"They haven't been having any for you to have, have they?" -- Andrea
"Excusing bad programming is a shooting offense, no matter _what_ the circumstances." -- Linus Torvalds, to the linux-kernel list
When ideas fail, words come in very handy. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
We cannot expect people to have respect for law and order until we teach respect to those we have entrusted to enforce those laws. -- Hunter S. Thompson
Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Cleveland. -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
To go into acting is like asking for admission to an insane asylum. Anyone may apply, but only the certifiably insane are admitted. -- Michael Shurtleff, "Audition"
General notions are generally wrong. -- Lady M.W. Montagu
I found I could say things with color and shapes that I couldn't say any other way - things I had no words for. -- Georgia O'Keeffe
Your fortune stateth: You will be held hostage by a radical group.
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. -- Woody Allen
"Why did they ruin a perfectly good cheesecake by putting all of this fruit on it?" -- Jen
If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
"Oink oink" [A few seconds pass.] "That's not the sound a dolphin makes, is it?" -- E. to a dolphin at Seaworld
Your fortune stateth: You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
"He who hangs himself -- dies" -- a midwestern expression, according to J. Alexander
The heart is forever inexperienced. -- Henry David Thoreau, "A Week on the Concord and Merrimack Rivers"
It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees! -- Emiliano Zapata
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." -- Niels Bohr
Chance is always powerful. Let your hook be always cast; in the pool where you least expect it, there will be a fish. -- Ovid
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage. -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
It is the business of the future to be dangerous. -- Hawkwind
Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. -- Dwight Eisenhower
Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore. -- Russian Proverb
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
There are flowers everywhere, for those who bother to look. -- Henri Matisse
Do people know you have freckles everywhere?
"No, it's not a Lava Lamp; it's long." -- overheard at work
"It's just a big shelf." -- Ryan Mellinger, explaining his philosophy of the floor.
There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher. -- Flannery O'Connor
Oops! -- Rae, after almost flipping her car and crashing into my car at the same time, nearly killing our whole team.
DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude. -- Ambrose Bierce
"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more." -- Bill Hoest
"Run for your stupid life!" -- Jonathan, my 4-year-old nephew, calling after me as I was trying to outrun a car.
Sooner or later in life everyone discovers that perfect happiness is unrealizable, but there are few who pause to consider the antithesis: that perfect unhappiness is equally unattainable. -- Primo Levi
We're gonna need a bigger boat -- Jaws
"It's not polite to play with other people's fat." -- Allan Boyd to his daughter Faith, who delights in jiggling his gut.
To be is to do. -- I. Kant To do is to be. -- A. Sartre Yabba-Dabba-Doo! -- F. Flinstone
Who dares, wins. -- Anonymous
You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her. -- Anonymous
The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20) Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will probably get run over by a bus.
"Be regular and orderly in your life, that you may be violent and original in your work." -- Clive Barker
When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they're not it. -- Anonymous
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence. -- Anonymous
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
Sex is God's joke on human beings. -- Bette Davis
If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there'd be peace -- John Lennon
Talent, lying in the understanding, is often inherited; genius, being the action of reason or imagination, rarely or never. -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge, (1772 - 1834)
I've been talking to dead rabbits and feeding bloody walls. I've done horrifying things with salad tongs. It's really eaten into my social life. -- Jhonen Vasquez
Ah, yes.... But you see, he was a jerkhead schmuck. -- Melissa's conclusion about Amy's dumb boyfriend.
"If you mail a letter to the post office, who delivers it?" -- Deb
"A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say." -- Michael Winner - British film director
While driving down through downtown: Sonya: (Reading from a billboard) "Did you know that having a hobby greatly reduces stress?" Jeremy: (oblivious to the billboard) "Good thing I masturbate."
Actually, this seems to be the basic need of the human heart in nearly every great crisis - a good hot cup of coffee. -- Alexander King
Live together like brothers, and do business like strangers. -- Anonymous
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. -- Woody Allen
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board -- Mark Twain
"To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation." -- St. Augustine
Everything a man achieves and fails to is the direct result of his own thooughts. -- James Allen, "As a Man Thinketh"
Yes, aliens are definitely better than Satan. -- Cheri
"Man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles in the road." -- Alexander Smith
In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our programming languages.
He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained.
Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude.
The Third Law of Photography: If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark leaks out.
The Earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much, heavier.
It was previously a question of finding out whether or not life had to have a meaning to be lived. It now becomes clear, on the contrary, that it will be lived all the better if it has no meaning. -- Albert Camus
There can not be more infinities than one; for one of them would limit the other. -- Sir Walter Raleigh
If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. -- Roy Santoro
Tussman's Law: Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
"Who's that girl screaming?" -- Max, listening to a tape of a party. He was shocked to learn that it was him.
"I wish I was still up there, instead of down there" -- Lucas, after sitting down and falling through an old lawn chair.
"People are much more willing to lend you books than bookcases." -- Mark Twain
Aww mom, you act like I'm not even wearing a bungie cord! -- Calvin
"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore."
"Could you please ask the Bishop if guitar distortion can be used at the 11 o'clock mass?" -- The Rector of the cathedral in Seattle.
"I just wanted to see what happened." -- James' explanation of why he tried to stick his tounge in a girl's ear TWICE during math class.
I know one day I'll turn the corner and I won't be ready for it. -- Jean-Michel Basquiat
You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
Your fortune stateth: Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.
A lie in time saves nine.
"Scott squeezes the life out of Sigma Chi like the juice from the last lemon wedge on a plate of well-fried catfish." -- Big Sean
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. -- Joe Walsh
The trouble with a kitten is that When it grows up, it's always a cat -- Ogden Nash.
While we were moving: Dennis: Jesus, what's in here, bricks? My dad, looking at the box: Um, yeah. (And there actually were. We'd been moving them from house to house for almost 20 years!)
It is absurd to divide people into good or bad. People are either charming or tedious. -- Oscar Wilde
For years a secret shame destroyed my peace -- I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. But now I think a thought that brings me hope: Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. -- Justin Richardson.
"Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious." -- Oscar Wilde
Laws: We know what they are, and what they are worth! They are spider webs for the rich and mighty, steel chains for the poor and weak, fishing nets in the hands of government. -- Pierre Joseph Proudhon Quoted In The Match!
Avoid cliches like the plague. They're a dime a dozen.
Just more old, broken sh** ! -- Alysia, at the Acropolis Museum in Greece.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome. -- Isaac Asimov
The sun fell on my head during the night. The rest of the solar system seems okay though. -- Matthew
University, n.: Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to fix it, and ...
Go for it now. The future is promised to no one. -- Wayne Dyer
"I tell you what, if you walk out that door and get hit by lighting, I'll laugh" -- Pittman
What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
A rolling stone gathers momentum.
If your lips are extended beyond your nose then you are about to do something rude. -- Scott Adams
"Civilization is the art of living in towns of such size that everyone does not know everyone else." -- Julian Jaynes
Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself. -- Mike Wilmot
Beauty in things lies in the mind which contemplates them. -- David Hume
Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because if you enjoy it today, you can do it again tomorrow.
OK, so what's the speed of dark ? -- Stephen Wright
(Andy Z. removes some weights from a meterstick which CJ is holding.) Joe F.: You just stole his torque! CJ: Yeah, you massively narfed up my torquage.
"To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan to spend a few days there." -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. -- Jules de Gaultier
When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it. -- Billy Sunday
"You know, if they hate dyslexics that much, they should form a group called D.A.P.-People Against Dyslexia." -- Michelle Zalas
There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends. -- Homer, Odyssey, ninth century B.C.
I can't lip read sign language. -- Mike Cornell
Me: "What's that picture from?" Megan: "That's from when we bought the Cayman Islands." Me: "You bought the Cayman Islands?" Megan: "Yeah. We had to mortgage the house, though."
"Conscience...is merely instinct socialized into guilt." -- Robert Coover
After i quit drinking, I realized I am the same asshole I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car -- Robin Williams
"Good art is not what it looks like, but what it does to us." -- Roy Adzak
Where will it all end? Probably somewhere near where it all began.
Wink at a homely girl, it costs you so little & does her so much good. -- Menken
"Oh my god -- there's a place to stand on the floor." -- upon seeing the book "A Place To Stand" on the ground.
"My wife lost all her credit cards, but I'm not going to report it. Whoever found them spends less than she does!" -- Henny Youngman
Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. -- Andrew Young
"Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain -- and most fools do." -- Dale Carnegie
On-line, adj.: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first and last month in advance.
The artist needs but a roof, a crust of bread, and his easel, and all the rest God gives him in abundance. He must live to paint and not paint to live. -- Albert Pinkham Ryder
And communist Russia was doing fine until this Gebronie-Brain [points to picture of Gorbachev] decided to introduce a "little" capitalism and a "little" democracy... -- Mr. Caputo
"Members rise from CMG (known sometimes in Whitehall as 'Call Me God') to KCMG ('Kindly Call Me God') to .. the GCMG ('God Calls Me God')." -- Anthony Sampson - British writer and journalist - "Anatomy of Britain" Ch. 18.
"The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." -- George Bernard Shaw
"The problem with reality is the lack of background music" -- Jim Carey
Flattery looks like friendship, just like a wolf looks like a dog. -- Anonymous
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
Your fortune stateth: You too can wear a nose mitten.
No kind of sensation is keener and more active than that of pain; its impressions are unmistakable. -- Marquis de Sade
Gordon: Yeah... well they can just kick my butt! [receives blank stares, and the laughter] Gordon: kiss! kiss! i meant they can just kiss my butt!
"I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in `Y.'"
There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself. -- Johann Sebastian Bach
Disobedience is the true foundation of liberty. The obedient must be slaves. -- Henry David Thoreau
"There is much pleasure to be gained in useless knowledge." -- Bertrand Russell
Laura: I smell like an onion bagel. Becky: No you don't. Laura: Yes I do. Becky: It seems to be more garlic-y.
Your fortune stateth: Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
Trip your psyche to the bare bones of spontaneous process, and you give yourself one chance in a thousand to make the Pass. -- William S. Burroughs
Politics is made up of two words. "poli" which is Greek for "many", and "tics", which are bloodsucking insects. -- Gore Vidal
"I made dinner... ow, ow, OW!" -- Emily, being stupid
Could you possibly be any stupider? Of course you -- oh, nevermind. You were right. -- overheard in a high school hallway
That the birds of worry and care fly above your head, this you cannot change,but that they build nests in your hair,this you can prevent. -- Chinese Proverb
"Want some fries with that shake, honey?" -- Heard while passing a bench-load of 18 year-old guys, now a favorite pick-up line
The box said he was a lucky monkey - but maybe he's a BAD-lucky monkey. -- Andy
RASH, adj. Insensible to the value of our advice. -- Ambrose Bierce
He who allows his day to pass by without practicing generosity and enjoying life's pleasures is like a blacksmith's bellows -- he breathes but does not live. -- Sanskrit Proverb
If God created us in His image we have certainly returned the compliment. -- Voltaire
Your fortune stateth: You have taken yourself too seriously.
The stone that the builder refused to lay should always be the head corners stone. You're a builder baby; here I am a stone -- Bob Marley
Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity. -- Ebner-Eschenbach
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know. -- Michel de Montaigne
There is no evil in the atom. Only in mens souls. -- Adlai Stevenson
Well, MY smiles are a buck a piece. -- the waitress at McDonald's, after hearing me read the "Smiles are Free" sign on the menu out loud.
Brain, n.: The apparatus with which we think that we think. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education." -- Albert Einstein
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. -- Howard Kandel
Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?
The course of true anything never does run smooth. -- Samuel Butler
"You never forget how to fuck. Unless you're really, _really_ stupid." -- Frank Zappa
Women's liberationists spread the word that...the only peaceful family is one in which either the wife is enslaved or the husband is androgynous. -- R. Emmett Tyell, The Liberal Crack-Up, 1984
I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends. -- Walt Whitman
Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
Have at you!
"There ought to be at least one round state." -- Gabriella
"I see nothing strange about riding a cow. You just need a special saddle, that's all!" -- Mags, the paralegal.
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? -- Lily Tomlin
"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
Custer committed Siouxicide.
Beth: Jarrod got a speeding ticket yesterday. Amber: For what? Walking too fast? -- Amber, making fun of Jarrod, who doesn't have a car.
To see far is one thing, going there is another. -- Constantin Brancusi
The past is what man should not have been. The present is what man ought not to be. The future is what artists are. -- Oscar Wilde
Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Onward through the fog.
Well, paint me green, dress me in plaid, hang me on a street corner, and call me mother.... I didn't know that. -- JL Jordan
Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for. -- Dag Hammarskjold
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
"I don't see how people can eat shrimp cocktail! People who like it cold have never had it hot before!" -- My brother, on shrimp
"I am not a chew toy. I am Death. Fear me." -- Paul, dressed as the Grim Reaper for a Halloween party, to the host's dog, who was intent on gnawing on him.
Think sideways! -- Ed De Bono
I would have made a good Pope. -- Richard Nixon, U.S. President
"Logic doesn't apply to the real word." -- Marvin Minsky
Is that a cop pulling a.... oohhhh, run. -- Tara
I'm 24 years old, I've got a load a money, what am I gonna do, sit at home and twiddle me thumbs? No. I'm gonna go out and 'ave it. -- Liam Of Oasis
If one can't be a great artist or a great soldier, the next best thing is to be a great criminal. -- Edgar Jepson and Maurice Leblanc, "Arsene Lupin"
Very little is known of the Canadian country since it is rarely visited by anyone but the Queen and illiterate sport fishermen. -- P. J. O'Rourke
Your fortune stateth: A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
"Competence, like truth, beauty and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder." -- Dr. Laurence Peter and Raymond Hull
"In the beginning, the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry, and is generally considered to have been a bad move." -- D. Adams
More light! -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, dying words
Happy feast of the pig!
"I want to know the truth, however perverted that may sound." -- Stephen Wolfram
Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real miracle is the love that inspires them. In this sense everything that comes from love is a miracle. -- Marianne Williamson
"Yeah, sure it may seem like a good idea, but I'm not making out with a tombstone." -- Sean
This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
"Humankind cannot stand very much reality." -- T. S. Eliot
We hate most in others what we dislike in ourselves. -- Laurrel K Hamilton, "Narcissus in Chains"
"Correct English is the slang of prigs who write history and essays. And the strongest slang of all is the slang of poets." -- George Eliot
"I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not." -- Fran Lebowitz
A Lizard continues it's life into the wilderness like a human into heaven. Our fate is entirely dependent on our life -- Andrew Cornish
The test of literature is, I suppose, whether we ourselves live more intensely for the reading of it. -- Elizabeth Drew
"If I hear that pre-pubecent squeal of his one more time..." -- Kate (about that damn MMMBOP song)
In Jen's apartment: Jen: "By the way, I saw Chris's new apartment." Julie: "From here?"
"I turned the lights off because you guys all look less ugly that way." -- Mr. Atkins, high school English teacher.
"Predicting the future, as we all know, is risky. Predicting the evolution of new technology is downright hazardous." -- Leon Cooper
BORE, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen. -- Ambrose Bierce
The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
Jean and I blew a ton of savings so we could fly Concorde just to see the curvature of the earth. It's something you don't normally get to see, so I figured out, if you can do it, do it. -- Black Francis
Robert: Hey, that's my pen. You stole it! Joe: No, my father gave me this pen. Robert: Your father is a thief!
"When reality comes knocking I am NOT answering the door!" -- Ellie
$3,000,000
Accuracy, n.: The vice of being right
Love, let me sleep tonight on your couch, and remember the smell and the fabric of your simple city dress, oh, that was so real. -- Jeff Buckley
Children are a poor man's riches. -- English proverb
Your fortune stateth: You look like a million dollars.  All green and wrinkled.
There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
Dammit, why do I always have to be the lesbian? -- Mike, during improvs in drama class.
"Pretty soon it'll be the year 2000 and we'll need new checks." -- Pat Washburn, circa 1986
State Legislators are merely politicians whose darkest secret prevents them from running for a higher office. -- Dennis Miller
"Neil... Are these lentils South African? I'm not going to pay good money to eat black men!" -- Rick
"In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make it into television shows." -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall'
"Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea - massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it." -- Gene Spafford
"People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them." -- Steven Wright
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.
A person who aims at nothing is sure to hit it. -- Anonymous
"Finishing a book is just like you took a child out in the back yard and shot it." -- Truman Capote
Life is a song. Love is the music. -- Anonymous
If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be research. -- Anonymous
All life is the progression towards, and the recession from, one phrase - I love you. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Offshore Pirate"
"My budget does not allow for postage." -- My professor explaining that if we want our final papers back, we must turn them in with an envelope with stamps.
"Total chaos; that's what I like! Out of chaos comes reason. Out of reason, science." -- _God Told Me To_
"It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them." -- Fred Adler
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
"Everywhere I go, bands play that same song." -- Mike, our less-than-musically-inclined friend, upon hearing a band prepare for a parade by playing a warm-up scale.
"Idealism increases in direct proportion to one's distance from the problem." -- John Galsworthy
"So, you've got a gun. Big deal. _I've_ got this!" -- Paul, grabbing the security guard's spork and holding it threateningly at the man's neck.
Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell. -- Anonymous
Your fortune stateth: Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
"Kevin, can we osculate on your hand?" "Stop masticating at the table!" -- KD and Britt
Deborah: "See, I filled a bottle with water and put it in the freezer and now I can use it to ice my knee!" Dena: "Why didn't you just get an ice pack?" Deborah: "Because you can't drink an ice pack when it melts."
The Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life. -- Andrew Brown
Beauty is an ecstasy; it is as simple as hunger. There is really nothing to be said about it. It is like the perfume of a rose: you can smell it and that is all. -- William Somerset Maugham
Maybe you needed this -- Alisatvr
"ASJAUMA" -- an interpretation of "Ask your mom" by Doc and Fudge when they were playing scrabble.
Mr. Greene: You! Where's your spleen? Me: Um...near my liver? Mr. Greene: And where's your liver? Me: Near my spleen? Mr. Greene: RIGHT!! -- Actual exchange in my College English class
"I have lost friends, some by death, others through sheer inability to cross the street." -- Virginia Woolf
The ideal tyranny is that which is ignorantly self-administered by its victims. The most perfect slaves are, therefore, those which blissfully and unawaredly enslave themselves. -- Dresden James
What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier. -- Anonymous
Think honk if you're a telepath.
The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
Your fortune stateth: You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.
Dive right in... one toe at a time. -- Lollie McLain
I am now completely Matissiste . . . after studying all of his paintings I am quite convinced of his genius -- Roger Fry
"Ok now I've done it. I have little sheep clones all over my computer!" -- Ellie, after downloading a file called lamb.exe that makes sheep run through the windows on your computer.
From too much love of living, From hope and fear set free, We thank with brief thanksgiving, Whatever gods may be, That no life lives forever, That dead men rise up never, That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. -- Swinburne
"We ALL have skin!!" -- Tony's hyper zoology teacher explaining why humans don't dissolve in water.
You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. -- J. D. Salinger
So if you're gonna touch me, touch me hard. [pause] See, that's why I need a girlfriend so I can say stuff like that to her. -- Benji, to his sister, while she was giving him a backrub.
"Super Monkey? ... FUN-BAGS!" -- Eric Fitzpatrick
"If you continually give, eventually you will be empty-handed." -- Jill and Lara's modification of a saying in a fortune cookie
"Smell my foot?" -- Becky
O give me a home, Where the buffalo roam, Where the deer and the antelope play, Where seldom is heard A discouraging word, 'Cause what can an antelope say?
Your fortune stateth: You are taking yourself far too seriously.
I'm so far behind, I'm planning for yesterday. -- Doug Abels
There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in his home. -- Kenneth H. Olson, President of DEC, Convention of the World Future Society, 1977
No, a grape, because a grape is a raisin, and a raisin is silly. -- Karen
"Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated." -- M. C. Reed
"#3537. Superfluity does not vitiate." -- California Civil Code, "Maxims of Jurisprudence"
"If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world." -- Ludwig Wittgenstein
"Will you go out with me? I want to see if I'm a lesbian." -- Aurora-Christine, after her friend told her about not knowing if she was a lesbian.
"I saw one of those purple things!" "Purple things?" "Why did I say purple? I meant smiley face!" -- Overheard by Ellie
La vengeance est un plat qui se mange froid -- Pierre Ambroise Francois Choderios de LaClos (1741-1803
Behavior is what a man does, not what he thinks, feels, or believes. -- Anonymous
I will always love the false image I had of you.
Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer. -- Rainer Maria Rilke
There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. -- Albert Einstein
Good judgement comes from experience, and experience--well, that comes from poor judgement. -- Cousin Woodman
Love one another and you will be happy. It's as simple and as difficult as that. -- Michael Leunig
Life is very interesting, if you make mistakes. -- Georges Carpentier
"Even if it doesn't work, there is something healthy and invigorating about direct action." -- Henry Miller
Know thyself. -- Linnaeus
"Instead of worrying about my clothes, I could be someone that nobody knows." -- Stewart Copeland
"Mediocrity requires aloofness to preserve its dignity." -- Charles G. Dawes
"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as we could with both of them." -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess. -- Oscar Wilde
Friendship is like money, easier made than kept. -- Samuel Butler
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west." -- Richard Jeni
Stu: "Can I shuffle the windows?" Me: "Don't you mean the curtains?" 2 minutes pass... Stu: "I guess so."
"For NASA, space is still a high priority." -- Dan Quayle
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
I can accept that everyone has their own reason for being on this earth, but it seems that for some that their only reason is that they were born! -- Julie J.
Your fortune stateth: You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, but only because your brakes are defective.
"It is impossible to begin to learn that which one thinks one already knows." -- Epictetus
Money is no object. [pause] Especially because you are paying for me. -- Karen, telling Matthew he can choose to eat at any restaurant he wants.
What do I think about when I strike out? I think about hitting home runs. -- Babe Ruth
Small change can often be found under seat cushions. -- One of Lazarus Long's most penetrating insights
But *I'm* a big fat man!!! -- Yazmeen, the size 5 editor of a woman's college newspaper, after her entire senior staff told her that she couldn't run clip art that had a big fat man sitting at "The Editor's Desk"
The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And vice versa.
"I hate mankind, for I think myself to be one of them, and I know how bad I am." -- Samuel Johnson
War hath no fury like a non-combatant. -- Charles Edward Montague
Jim: A head rush? Blaine: What? Jim: You asked me if I had a head rush. Blaine: No, I asked you if you had a HAIR BRUSH.
When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him. -- R. A. Lafferty
Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people. -- Eleanor Roosevelt
Jason Holliman: "Mr. Bean!" Stoned Friends: "Yaay..."
"Why did Nature create man? Was it to show that she is big enough to make mistakes, or was it pure ignorance?" -- Holbrook Jackson
People are so damn political when they pee -- on a bathroom stall following an 'argument' of
Lewis's Law of Travel: The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
"Fantasies are free." "NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!"
To only be free is to be proletarian -- 1984
" I feel like Julia Roberts, only with out that hole prostitute thing" -- Shes All That
"The book that I want is not here. This is not where the book is that I want." -- Jen
My mother said to me, "If you become a soldier, you'll be a general; if you become a monk, you'll end up as the Pope." Instead, I became a painter and wound up as Picasso. -- Pablo Picasso
Nowdays people know the price of everything, and the value of nothing. -- Oscar Wilde
Better living a beggar than buried an emperor.
"All I ask of my body is that it carry around my head." -- Thomas Alva Edison
A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of trouble. -- Adlai Stevenson
Your fortune stateth: You will not be elected to public office this year.
You have to kiss a lot of toads before you find a handsome prince. -- Anonymous
To take photographs is to hold one's breath when all faculties converge in the face of fleeting reality. It is at that moment that mastering an image becomes a great physical and intellectual joy. -- Henri Cartier-Bresson
Wake from your sleep, The drying of your tears, Today we escape, Escape -- Radiohead
"You know that show "Friday Night," on right after Saturday Night Live, can't believe you've never seen it on every Saturday" -- Dan trying to explain to a friend.
Perspective- Use it or Lose It. If you turned to this page, you're forgetting that what is going on around you is not reality. Think about that. -- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke? -- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus
Your fortune stateth: Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
Silverman's Law: If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
"Memory is like an orgasm. It's a lot better if you don't have to fake it." -- Seymour Cray (on virtual memory)
I think that a hat that has a cannon that comes out, fires, and then goes back in is at least a decade away. -- Jack Handey
What is drawing? It is working oneself through an invisible iron wall that seems to stand between what one feels and what one can do. -- Vincent van Gogh, "The Letters of Vincent van Gogh to His Brother"
Trouble brings experience, and experience brings wisdom. -- Anonymous
Do not worry about your difficulties in mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater. -- Albert Einstein
What's important is to keep the main thing the main thing. -- Vanessa Powell, Elementary School Teacher
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics. -- Disraeli
What fools these mortals be. -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
Your fortune stateth: You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
"If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done." -- Anonymous
"I do not have to forgive my enemies, I have had them all shot." -- Ramon Maria Nanvaez - Spanish general and political leader - said on deathbed when a priest asked if he forgave his enemies.
Divine Goodness does not only NOT reject penitent souls, but goes out in search of obstinate souls. -- Padre Pio
"Censorship, like charity, should begin at home, but unlike charity, it should end there." -- Clare Boothe Luce
"Never express yourself more clearly than you are able to think." -- Neils Bohr
True love can not be found where it does not truly exists Nor can it be hidden where it truly does -- Unknown
Civilization is a youth with a Molotov cocktail in his hand. Culture is the Soviet tank or L.A. cop that guns him down. -- Edward Abbey, "Desert Solitaire"
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. -- Elbert Hubbard
"He who hesitates... is still there...." -- J. Kazawic
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids, I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them. -- steven wright
Your fortune stateth: Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
When I say "You sucked my brain out", the english translation is "I am in love with you, and it is no fun". But I don't use words like love, cuz words like that don't matter. But don't look so offended, you know you should be flattered. -- Ani Difranco
Office Automation, n.: The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
Now, my good man,this is no time for making enemies. -- Voltair On His Deathbed In Response To A Priest Asking That He Renounce Satan
An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold on to a blade of grass and not fall off the face of the earth. -- Irish Proverb
Manual, n.: A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The information you need is in the others. -- Ray Simard
"What does it matter? And so what if it does." -- Phil Wire
Everybody knows you can conjure anything by the dark of the moon. -- Tori Amos, "Suede"
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
"How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars." -- Steve Martin
Trying to call my friend John after he got home from military school: "Is John there??" "Who the hell is this!!! You think this is funny?? Don't ever call back, you little punk!!!" Apparently john's old number was now Papa John's Pizza. Oops.
I've been going to this school for 7 years. I'm no dummy. -- Better Off Dead
Your fortune stateth: You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
Rome wasn't burnt in a day.
You get what you pay for. -- Gabriel Biel
All science is concerned with the relationship of cause and effect. Each scientific discovery increases man's ability to predict the consequences of his actions and thus his ability to control future events. -- Lawrence J. Peter
A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
Bert is not a muppet, he is a human. -- Prany
A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with. -- Tennessee Williams
I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!!
"If art is to nourish the roots of our culture, society must set the artist free to follow his vision wherever it takes him." -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy
"Like all dreamers, I mistook disenchantment for truth." -- Jean-Paul Sartre
Never underestimate the stupidity of anyone. -- Mike
If you haven't all the things you want, be grateful for the things you don't have that you wouldn't want. -- Anonymous
Chris: You're gay! Tom: Naw, I'm not gay. I'm just happy! Chris: Just happy that you're gay? Tom: No!!!!! Chris: So you're NOT happy that you're gay? Tom: Just piss off!!!!!!!
"I fell in a lake?" -- Paul T. Baker, when told about what he did while he was drunk
If you want something done right, shut up and get me a cappuccino. -- Bryan
"This music always makes me think of rich people who commit murder." -- Amber, listening to classical music
The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech. -- Clifton Fadiman
Jim: "So are you gonna go out with Sasha, Jordie?" Jordie: "Uh... probably not. I don't want her using me for sex."
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad. -- Anonymous
If it was easy, it would be easy. -- Bonnie Bonnell
"Right now I feel that I've got my feet on the ground as far as my head is concerned." -- Bo Belinsky - Baseball pitcher
"Reality is the only word in the language that should always be used in quotes." -- (My Life With The) Thrill Kill Cult
When a true genius appears in the world you may know him by this sign: that all the dunces are in confederacy against him. -- Johnathan Swift
If you're anything like me... and I know I am... -- Alun V.
Practice random acts of e-mail and senseless cyberspace. -- Kathryn Carmony
"All I know is I've got my boots on." -- Mike
There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination.
Hi. I don't know how I got here. Buy me something. --Amanda
Ninety percent of everything is crap. -- Theodore Sturgeon
"I don't know exactly what democracy is. But we need more of it." -- Anonymous Chinese Student, during protests in Tianamen Square, Beijing, 1989
The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation. -- Henry David Thoreau, Walden (1854)
"Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the wrong direction." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
"200 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal." -- Overheard on IRC by Ellie
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind. -- Anonymous
APPEAL, v.t. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw. -- Ambrose Bierce
If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else?
I had gotten to the point where I was either going to play the violin much better or I was going to break it over my knee. -- Ellen Taaffe Zwilich
SOFTWARE -- formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
Somebody ought to tell us, right at the start of our lives, that we are dying. Then we might live life to the limit every minute of every day. Do it, I say, whatever you want to do, do it now. -- Michael Landon
Sleeping around? You think I'm some kinda napping whore? -- Philip
Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie... -- Stephen Sondheim
"The smaller the town... the bigger the hair." -- Linda Flynn
" ... and I am THE world expert on programming languages" -- actual quote from a resume sent to my employer.
"Practical politics consists in ignoring facts." -- Henry Adams
The ordinary man seeks honour, not dishonour, cherishing success and abominating failure, loving life, whilst fearing death. The sage does not recognise these things, so lives his life quite simply. -- Lao Tzu, "Tao Te Ching" Chapter 13
"He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news." -- Bertolt Brecht
I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone. -- Ben Williams
"There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot." -- Steven Wright
Why are you so hard to ignore?
Mr. Goldenberg: "Does anyone happen to know which country was third into World War I?" Katie: "Um, wasn't it Europe?" (She remained rather confused when the class began to laugh...)
Great, that's just what this country needs - a cock, in a frock, on a rock. -- Priscilla, Queen of the Desert
Amanda: Do you think that guy on TV is cute? Mom: Well... he's okay, but he's no Mel Gibson. Amanda: Mom, nobody is Mel Gibson. Except Harrison Ford!
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. -- Elizabeth Taylor
I have nothing to say and I'm saying it. -- JOHN CAGE
"Beware of silent men and still water" -- Ali Raza
This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer. -- Will Rogers
Last night, I dreamt somebody loved me. No hope, No harm, just another false alarm. -- The Smiths
"Drink more, think less" -- Laura to Sean during the weeks after his breakup with his girlfriend.
Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain one once he grows up. -- Pablo Picasso
Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want. -- Don Stanford
ABSCOND, v.i. To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with the property of another. -- Ambrose Bierce
"And now would the sucking intestine please come forward?" -- My five-year-old cousin doing her impression of a game show host introducing the "second contestant".
"Wow look! There are people on the train." -- Crystal, while watching a train pass by.
Heavy, adj.: Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but hurled with great force. -- Dorothy Parker
"I'm gonna use my awesome mental powers to make Vince do something stupid." -- Kevin Mckinnon
New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.
"There's a difference between being creative and being Jesus." -- Keisha
"What makes resisting temptation difficult, for many people, is that they don't want to discourage it completely." -- Franklin P. Jones
Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
"I don't need to see for what I do in the dark." -- Mort, about painting my nails in the dark
Never look at the trombones. You'll only encourage them. -- Richard Strauss, on conducting
"The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos." -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the floor -- especially in the dark.
He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open. -- Scottish proverb.
For first you write a sentence, And then you chop it small; Then mix the bits and sort them out Just as they chance to fall: The order of the phrases makes no difference at all. -- Lewis Carrol, "Poeta fit non nascitur."
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. -- D. J. Hicks
Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. [Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] or [May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.] -- Aelius Donatus
"In America, through pressure of conformity, there is freedom of choice, but nothing to choose from." -- Peter Alexander Ustinov
"Tragedy is if I cut my finger. Comedy is if I walk into an open serwer and die." -- Mel Brooks
Life is a succession of moments. To live each one is to succeed. -- Corita Kent
Poor is the pupil who does not surpass his master. -- Leonardo da Vinci
"Communism is like one big phone company." -- Lenny Bruce
Cohabitation is a great way to learn people's names. -- Martin Brosman
Strolling is the gastronomy of the eye. To walk is to vegetate, to stroll is to live. -- Honore de Balzac
The body is the shell of the soul, and dress the husk of that shell; but the husk often tells what the kernel is. -- Anonymous
"And now, for your viewing pleasure, 'Ghostbusters', an American classic." -- Mr. Fulwiler, Histroy Teacher.
"Destiny is an invention of the cowardly and the resigned." -- Ignazio Silone
Sherry: "Uh oh, it's that jagged little pill again." "Uncle" Ben: "You mean A-lame-ass More-or-less?" (remarking about some A. Morrisette song on the radio)
If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
... the flaw that makes perfection perfect.
"We didn't send you to Washington to make intelligent decisions. We sent you to represent us." -- Kent York, Baptist minister to US Rep. Bill Sarpalius
You auto buy now.
"Was that girl a little f*cking crispy, or is it just me?" -- Kate after being helped by an oh-so-perky girl at the music store
People need loving the most when they deserve it the least. -- John Harrigan
"The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other poor sons-of-bitches die for theirs." -George Patton
-- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.
The loneliest it gets is when the wind begins to chill and when I sit atop of your old street, the church top brings a still ness to me, there's nothingI would rather do, than have my heart broken by you. -- Lifetime
Our children go to school to learn to commnicate, and all the teachers do is tell them is shut up. -- Galleger
When love is gone, there's always justice. And when justice is gone, there's always force. And when force is gone, there's always Mom. Hi, Mom! -- Laurie Anderson
There once was an old man from Esser, Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. It at last grew so small, He knew nothing at all, And now he's a College Professor.
"Oh, and can you hold the MSG... I actually want to decompose when I die." -- Kate
"I see no reason to suppose these machines will ever force themselves into general use." -- Duke of Wellington - Referring to the steam locomotive.
"There are few minds to which tyranny is not delightful." -- Samuel Johnson
The first key to wisdom is constant and frequent questioning, for by doubting we are led to question and by questioning we arrive at the truth. -- Peter Abelard
"Very little is known of the Canadian country since it is rarely visited by anyone but the Queen and illiterate sport fishermen." -- P. J. O'Rourke
NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he says is wrong. GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says will be right. -- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes.
The world has achieved brilliance without conscience. Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. -- General Omar Bradley
For I am a bear of very little brain and long words bother me. -- Winnie the Pooh, character from author A. A. Milne
On the way back, they sang a number of tuneful and reflective songs on the subjects of peace, justice, morality, culture, sport, family life, and the obliteration of all other life forms. -- Douglas Adams, "Life, the Universe, and Everything"
"What is the probability of having three boys in a row all be male?" -- Ellie's Human Genetics professor
Your fortune stateth: A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. The Universe spines the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way.
Coffee is my only REAL friend.
Ideas are for more powerful than guns. We don't allow our enemies to have guns, why should we allow them to have ideas? -- Joseph Stalin
"In each of us are places where we have never gone. Only by pressing the limits do you ever find them." -- Dr. Joyce Brothers
The believing we do something when we do nothing is the first illusion of tobacco. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Barach's Rule: An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man. -- Chuang Tzu, philosopher (c. 4th century BC)
Isn't air travel wonderful? Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
Truth and love are my law and worship; Form and conscience my manifestation and guide; Nature and peace are my shelter and companion; Order is my attitude; Beauty and perfection are my attack. -- Wayne Kramer
The confidence of ignorance will always overcome indecision of knowledge. -- Anonymous
Heather: "Do you guys believe in reincarnation?" Ellie: "I didn't do it! I didn't kill your past life! I swear!"
To A Quick Young Fox: Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp -- Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. -- Lazy Dog
I have no lid upon my head, but if I did... you could open it up and see whats on my mind -- Dmb
Well, while YOU were dancing to boring old CDs, WE got to dance to a gumball machine. -- Allyson, telling a friend who actually had a date what a few of us single girls were doing during the school dance.
Can I borrow your brain? -- Professor Wolff
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. -- Mae West
Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. 	 -- Helen Keller
Love can cure heartbreaks, misfortune, or tragedy. It is the eternal companion. -- Anonymous
I still live. -- Daniel Webster, dying words
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.
Our only hope today lies in our ability to recapture the revolutionary spirit and go into a sometimes hostile world declaring eternal hostility to poverty, racism, and militarism. -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it." -- Donald E. Knuth
There is nothing more notable in Socrates than that he found time, when he was an old man, to learn music and dancing, and thought it time well spent. -- Michel de Montaigne
Most general statements are false, including this one. -- Alexander Dumas
Everyone talks about apathy, but no one _does anything about it.
"[The] Internet is so big, so powerful and pointless that for some people it is a complete substitute for life." -- Andrew Brown
Your fortune stateth: You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
We must be the change we wish to see. -- Gandhi
Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, Advertising wondrous things. -- Tom Leher
Your fortune stateth: Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
In a deep deep sleep of the innocent, I am born again, In a fast German car, I'm amazed that I survived, An airbag saved my life -- Radiohead
"Was that fish skin on the outside?" -- Jeff, still horrified, about a week after eating a piece of veggie roll sushi.
If I had $250,000 to blow in college, do you know how pimp our room would be? -- Colleen Petros
Money doesn't sleep. -- Anonymous
"The avoidance of taxes is the only pursuit that still carries any reward." -- John Maynard Keynes- British Economist
"Nothing that is worth knowing can be taught." -- Oscar Wilde
The magic of photography is metaphysical. What you see in the photograph isn't what you saw at the time. The real skill of photography is organised visual lying. -- Terence Donovan
You see, there's two things you got to remember.... wait. Is it two, or one? -- Mike
I am not currently able to divulge this information, as it may compromise our agents in the field. -- Calvin, on a test paper
Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality.
"Logic - the act of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human understanding." -- Ambrose Bierce - The Devil's Dictionary
I'm an idealist: I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way. -- Carl Sandburg
Yeah, it's probably the Cheesy Chicken Chowder, because I checked in the trunk and there are no dead bodies. -- Alison
tif can't see how dishes have anything to do with human life or moral and ethical issues, unless the dishes have shreds of human flesh stuck to them.
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
"I would like to throw an egg into an electric fan." -- Oliver Herford - British-born US hurmorist - When asked if he had no ambitions beyond making people laugh.
"He doesn't really play. He just exists to disturb my existence." -- Erica, trying to describe her cat
*Whack!* "Enough of your snicker bars!" -- Julie
"Suspenders were found in the east hall. They are now in the front office." -- read over our high school's announcement system
HABIT, n. A shackle for the free. -- Ambrose Bierce
Anarchy -- it's not the law, it's just a good idea.
If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
Sometimes the most postive thing you can be in a boring society is absolutely negative. -- Johnny
L'etat c'est moi. -- Louis XIV
"The more and more people shave their legs, the more and more they will realize the French are correct." -- S.D.G.
Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross references.
"Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them." -- Einstein
"A blind man in a dark room - looking for a black hat - which isn't there." -- Lord Bowen - Characterization of a metaphysician
"A man must properly pay the fiddler. In my case it so happened that a whole symphony orchestra had to be subsidized." -- John Barrymore
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
"All my wife has ever taken from the Mediterranean - from that whole vast intuitive culture - are four bottles of Chianti to make into lamps, and two china condiment donkeys labeled Sally and Peppy." -- Peter Shaffer - British dramatist
"_Prospero's Books_ is the _Terminator 2_ for intellectuals." -- Peter Greenaway
Create like a god, command like a king, work like a slave. -- Constantin Brancusi
Only the dead have seen the end of war -- Plato
"If you pinched the pansies, it must be gorgeous outside" -- Ellie's Dad
"God does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He integrates empirically." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
"NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient." -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911
"If nobody had bought this record it would have been one too many!" -- An angry reviewer on amazon.com, about an 80s album.
It is difficult to live without opium after having known it because it is difficult, after knowing opium, to take earth seriously. And unless one is a saint, it is difficult to live without taking earth seriously. -- Jean Cocteau
Your fortune stateth: Do what comes naturally.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
"All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us sane."
These people are so rich they don't get crabs...they get lobsters -- Robin Williams
Buckskin flaps his lips feverishly at the sight of white cubes, unaware that in time, sugar and horses will both become glue. -- David Kerman
To keep our faces toward change, and behave like free spirits in the presence of fate, is strength undefeatable. -- Helen Keller
Water that does not move, is always shallow... -- Sami proverb
"You're infatuated with someone you love because they're SATAN."
Biggest security gap -- an open mouth.
"Frailty, thy name is woman" -- Hamlet
"Communication across the revolutionary divide is inevitably partial." -- Thomas S. Kuhn
Your fortune stateth: Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. -- George Bernard Shaw
"Stop smelling me!!!" -- Dustin
For all the sad things of tounge or pen, the worst are these,"it might have been." -- John Greenleaf Whittier
Finagle's Second Law: No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
A man with two watches is never quite sure.
Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of anybody else. -- Judy Garland
Worst Vegetable of the Year: The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year. -- Steve Rubenstein
"If I were a dog, my tail would be between my legs." -- Anna, after admitting to the bible teacher that she forgot to bring her bible to class.
No more prizes for predicting rain. Prizes only for building arks. -- Anonymous
"On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia." -- W.C. Fields' epitaph
To be awake is to be alive. -- Henry David Thoreau
Lactomangulation, n.: Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.
I don't NEED to wear a hooded sweatshirt to be cool! -- Mike
"When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss is away and you get twice as much done." -- Daniel B.Luten
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
There's no such thing in anyone's life as an unimportant day -- Alexander Woolcott
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Sleep deprivation is fun -- you see such pretty colors.
Oh, isn't he the one who asked our 7th grade math teacher where babies come from? -- Alana
"Heresy is only another word for freedom of thought." -- Graham Greene
It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope.
(In response to a VCR that wasn't tracking properly at 1 a.m.) Karen: "I wanna watch this movie. I'm going to Wal-mart to buy a new VCR." Housemate: "Ok. Um, I think we need eggs too."
"If you can't convince them, confuse them." -- Harry S. Truman
The object of art is not to reproduce reality, but to create a reality of the same intensity. -- Alberto Giacometti
If you wanted something special, you should have told me. -- my husband, when I pointed out that there were no cupboards in the kitchen of the apartment he just rented.
I've Been Moved!
Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
Never try to outstubborn a cat. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." -- Ellen DeGeneres
"The finest collection of frames I ever saw." -- Humphrey Davy - British chemist- when asked what he thought of the Paris art galleries
Perfection has one grave defect, it is apt to be dull. -- Somerset Maugham
Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
"He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions."
"Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable." -- John Fitzgerald Kennedy
"No man really becomes a fool until he stops asking questions." -- Charles Steinmetz
She's convinced she could hold back a glacier/but she couldn't keep baby alive -- Tori Amos
Your fortune stateth: Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon.
They speak of my drinking, but never of my thirst. -- Scottish proverb
CONTROVERSY, n. A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the injurious cannon-ball and the inconsiderate bayonet. -- Ambrose Bierce
How do you ship boxes? Do you put the box in a bigger box, the bigger box in a really big box, then the really big box on a flatbed? But, then, where do you get all of the other boxes? Seems like a dumb idea when you think about it. -- Robert M.
Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet. -- Jack Handey
The world's as ugly as sin, And almost as delightful -- Frederick Locker-Lampson
Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind. -- Albert Einstein
To me, the nut of the thing is that if what you make is hard like a diamond, you can put it anywhere. You can put it up your ass and it will still be beautiful -- Iggy Pop
"It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid." -- George Bernard Shaw
There is always someone worse off than yourself.
"Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run away." -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
"I think it would be cool on the last day of spring break to, you know, risk my life and maybe die." -- Kathy, explaining her decision to ride the Skycoaster.
"Oh my god, I have a talent!" -- Katherine Payerle, on the subject of the xylophone guy on Franklin Street.
I've found that every time I've made a radical change, it's helped me feel buoyant as an artist. -- David Bowie
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
We cannot acknowledge allegience to any human government... Our country is the world, our countrymen are all mankind..." -- William Lloyd Garrison
Nietzsche is pietzsche, but Schiller is killer, and Goethe is moethe.
I know I'm an acquired taste - I'm anchovies. And not everybody wants those hairy little things. If I was potato chips, I could go a lot more places, but I'm not. -- Tori Amos
The true work of art is but a shadow of the divine perfection. -- Michelangelo
You can get everything in life you want, if you will help enough other people get what they want.
Democracy substitutes election by the incompetent many for the appointment by the corrupt few. -- George Bernard Shaw
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
Labor, n.: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Dyslexics have more fnu.
"He bit me!!" -- after the guy behind me in german class bit my ear
The world wants to be deceived. -- Sebastian Brant
Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. -- George Bernard Shaw
"Men are more apt to be mistaken in their generalizations than in their particular observations." -- Machiavelli
Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh. -- Mister Boffo
Remember the... the... uhh.....
A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men. -- Roald Dahl
"When I appear in public people expect me to neigh, grind me teeth, paw the ground and swish my tail - none of which is easy." -- Princess Anne - Only daughter of Elizabeth II
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
Depression is like a constipated rhino sitting on your chest. -- Rob Anderson, "The Black Book"
"Praying that you'll win a game works because God hates the other athletes." -- my brother
"Sizzy needs a dose of medicine, a bug in her eye, a stop and go light on her cheek, And she can't play with Angela, Angela, Angela!" -- Ellie's brother, age 4, singing to Ellie, age 7, when she was sick.
Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first.
"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." -- Woody Allen
Beth: Do you have any old clothes you want to sell in our yard sale? Jennifer: No...my mom gave all my old clothes to the stupid needy!
If it heals good, say it.
"Good painter imitates nature, bad ones spews it up." -- Miguel de Cervantes - Spanish novelist
No law can be sacred to me but that of my nature. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
It is not only fine feathers that make fine birds. -- Aesop
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games. -- Jack Handey
"The savage in man is never quite eradicated." -- Henry David Thoreau
"Man has made use of his intelligence; he invented stupidity." -- Remy De Gourmant
"Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly."
Your fortune stateth: If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn 365 useless things.
"Wobbler thought that California was where good people went when they died." -- Terry Pratchett, _Only You Can Save Mankind_
Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped.
Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
We are educated to associate virtue with submission to textual authorities, rather than with an exploration of the volumes daily transcribed within ourselves by our perceptual mechanisms. -- Alain deBotton, "Consolations of Philosophy"
I stand by all the misstatements I may have made. -- George W Bush
Love me or hate me, but spare me your indifference. -- Libbie Fudim
There is no such thing as a pretty good omelette -- French Proverb
"Heyyyy! Treat that towel with respect!" -- Ellie
"In America sex is an obsession; in other parts of the world it is a fact." -- Marlene Dietrich
The groundhog is like most other prophets; it delivers its message and then disappears.
"Fleesha, close the door! I'm melting!" -- Perry, age 4, when his sister wouldn't close the screen door in the middle of December when it was 10 degrees outside.
Bucy's Law: Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
"No offense, but you smell like a fruit." -- Matt Castellan to his sister, who had just sampled a fragrance smelling remarkably like oranges.
The whole conviction of my life now rests upon the belief that loneliness, far from being a rare and curious phenomenon, is the central and inevitable fact of human exictence. -- Thomas Wolfe, "Gods Lonely Men"
Soup! Soup! More Soup! -- Sam, at a meeting where there wasn't the slightest chance of there ever being any soup.
Your fortune stateth: You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will be sold.
Instructor: "Now exhale slowly from either your nose or your mouth." Kate (loudly): "Well, where the hell else are we supposed to exhale from?"
Honor the ocean of love. -- George de Benneville
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. -- Woody Allen
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
"If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it because I can't swim." -- Bob Stanfield
"The Middle Eastern states aren't nations; they're quarrels with borders." -- P. J. O'Rourke
... And malt does more than Milton can To justify God's ways to man -- A. E. Housman
When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to?
"When in doubt, go for the dick joke." -- Robin Williams
You must train the children to their studies in a playful manner, and without any air of constraint, with the further object of discerning more readily the natural bent of their respective characters. -- Plato
If we see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of an oncoming train. -- Robert Lowell
If it were weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. -- Rodney Dangerfield
In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity, is the vital thing. -- Oscar Wilde
I'll always remember 1995 as the year I found out Star Trek wasn't real -- Daniel Johns
Creativity arises out of the tension between spontaneity and limitations, the latter (like the river banks) forcing the spontaneity into the various forms which are essential to the work of art or poem. -- Rollo May, "The Courage to Create"
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9: A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument.
"Oh dear, I think you'll find reality's on the blink again." -- Marvin The Paranoid Android
Now is the time for all good men to come to. -- Walt Kelly
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. -- Sextus Aurelius
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times. -- Mark Twain
"No thanks, I am trying to give sex up!" -- Anthony Meek, to a girl he didn't know and had just tapped on the shoulder at the Melbourne Oktoberfest.
If you become a Master in the art of calculated calumny and conciliatory compliment, then you will get anything that you want. -- Philippe ZOCEL
Hands up, who likes me? -- Rick A.K.A Rik
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. -- R. Geis
Tyro, you type like a squashed tomato, but without the juice. -- Rando
I think I'm invisible now. Can you guys see me? -- Laura, after quite a bit of wine.
If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house. -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
I bet a real big problem in Yodeling class is people just coming and yodeling right off the bat. You see, we build to that. -- Jack Handey
Music with dinner is an insult both to the cook and the violinist. -- G. K. Chesterton
Life is like playing the violin solo inpublic and learning the instument as you go. -- Edward Geroge Bulwer-Lytton
Your fortune stateth: You will be divorced within a year.
It is better by noble boldness to run the risk of being subject to half of the evils we antipicate than to remain in cowardly listlessness for fear of what might happen. -- Herodotus
Life is like a movie--since there aren't any commercial breaks, you have to get up and go to the bathroom in the middle of it. -- Nick Mirov
Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.
Would you like a Hot Pocket? -- Dr. Evil
Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
Your fortune stateth: You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
Wit is educated insolence. -- Aristotle
I hate you for loving me, I love you for hating me, save yourself." -- Peter Steele, Type O Negative
We are afraid to live, but scared to die -- Inderpal Bahra
Your fortune stateth: Your object is to save the world, while still leading a pleasant life.
When I eat my food.....I love it. -- Two Hour Shower
"Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare." -- Blair Houghton
Everybody winds up kissing the wrong person goodnight. -- Andy Warhol
Sailors in ships, sail on! Even while we died, others rode out the storm.
"I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by." -- Douglas Adams
"If something tastes bad and you don't eat it, would it taste better if you did?" -- Andy
Bacos go on all salads. Even jello. -- Mike
Your fortune stateth: Beware the one behind you.
God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the elephant, and the cat. He has no real style. He just keeps on trying other things. -- Pablo Picasso
A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel. -- Robert Frost
"I laughed so hard I all most fell and landed on this skanky-ass bed!" -- Roxie
Censorship reflects a society's lack of confidence in itself. -- Potter Stewart
Fear less, hope more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Hate less, love more; And all good things are yours. -- Swedish Proverb
Love isn't who you can see yourself with, it's who you can't see yourself without. -- Anonymous
As long as there are kids who are pissed off and have no real way in venting out that anger, heavy metal will live on -- Ozzy Osbourne
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example. -- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
I send myself mail all the time, just to make me feel popular. I use an alias so that I don't appear psychotic. -- Jody LaFerriere
Necessity is a mother.
"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
"My father was a minister. I had to make up for the lack of sin." -- Milwuakee mayor, on why he became a politician
Jone's Law: The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
"Oh no! I'm missing the two tenors!" -- My mother, who didn't know what we were laughing at.
Art is an adventure into an unknown world, which can only be explored by those willing to take the risks. -- Mark Rothko
To sit back and do nothing is to cooperate with the oppresser -- Jane Elliot
99 blocks of crud on the disk, 99 blocks of crud! You patch a bug, and dump it again: 100 blocks of crud on the disk! 100 blocks of crud on the disk, 100 blocks of crud! You patch a bug, and dump it again: 101 blocks of crud on the disk! ...
The artist doesn't have time to listen to the critics. The ones who want to be writers read the reviews, the ones who want to write don't have the time to read reviews. -- William Faulkner
Miksch's Law: If a string has one end, then it has another end.
"This place is like the Disneyland of beers... I wanna live here." -- Jason Holliman, at his first visit to the Flying Saucer Draught Emporium in Memphis.
"The problem with X is that it's overadequate." -- Dennis Ritchie
Your fortune stateth: Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
If we discover anti-gravity, won't we just be thrown off the face of the earth because of its rotation? -- Matt Rose
Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a soap bubble?
Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
"I do not believe in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance." -- Thomas Carlyle
"I just try to think of really stupid people as mental speedbumps on the road of life. I try to avoid them; but if I can't,I just slow up a little and roll over them as gently as possible." -- Sue
HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains. -- Walt Kelly
Well, you see all this? [points to calculus stuff on board] It's all just the tangent line to the goofiness. -- Mr.Costa, calculus professor
Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may be in owning a piece thereof. -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." -- Douglas Adams
"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..."
Abstainer, n.: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small. -- Henry Kissinger
pi seconds is a nanocentury. -- Tom Duff
You've got to get up every morning with a smile on your face and show the world all the love in your heart. Then people are going to treat you better. You're going to find, yes you will, that you're beautiful as you feel. -- Carole King
I like the idea of an ancient race -- it makes a world feel so...lived in.
What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true. -- John Lilly
"I've had three people lick my eyeball." -- Shawna Olson
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. -- Voltaire
Your fortune stateth: A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama! -- The Palindromist
"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone." -- Jack Handey
OZMOSIS: The inability of one's job to live up to one's self-image. -- Douglas Coupland
Your fortune stateth: You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls." -- Matt Cartmill
"It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue." -- Voltaire
RASCAL, n. A fool considered under another aspect. -- Ambrose Bierce
The nourishment is palatable. -- Millard Fillmore, dying words
Are they still sitting in the aisle? Good, throw the beaver at them. -- Me, after WAY too many hours on the bus
Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. -- H. L. Mencken
"What?" "Nothing, mind your own stall." -- over a partition when Kerry was being nosy.
The proof of the pudding is in the eating. -- Miguel de Cervantes
A violent man will die a violent death. -- Lao Tsu
True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of personal futility, and of the beauty of the world. -- David Mamet
Many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view.
"I didn't notice him coming, but he didn't seem to be looking for an autograph signature" -- George Harrison, on the madman who stabbed him in Harrison's private garden and nearly killed him.
"Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles." -- Frank Lloyd Wright
"It's bad luck to be superstitious." -- Andrew W. Mathis
Confucius say too much. -- Recent Chinese Proverb
Shay: "You know, someday you're going to look back on this and laugh." Eric: (blank stare) Shay: "Yeah, I know. I was just trying out the optimistic approach." Eric: (blank stare) Shay: "Sorry." (Shortly after Eric's brand new car was broadsided.)
Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions? -- Jack Handey
"Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble." -- John Barrymore
To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks." -- Jack Handey
I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head...
"Government should be concerned with anti-social conduct, not with utterances." -- Justice William Orville Douglas
I mean to tell you all the things I've been thinking deep inside..My friend..With each moment the more I love you... -- The Dave Mathews Band
When living life becomes a chore, you should think about those who are grounded to their graves. -- Santiago
"Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies." -- David Nichols
"She eats potatos and bread...she craps in the damn toilet!! That is no cat!" -- Kate talking about her cat Tyson (the ear-biting cat)
Such is life. -- Ned Kelly, Last words, before being hung at Old Melbourne Gaol
Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
"You don't have to draw me." -- Mrs. Nicole, at Daphne Intermediate School, when we had to draw something to represent "beautiful".
The great tragedy of science, the slaying of a beautiful theory by an ugly fact. -- Thomas Henry Huxley
"If my head were flat I could go anywhere." [others laugh] "No guys, I really mean it. Just think about if your head were flat."
Stamp out philately.
America's one of the finest countries anyone ever stole. -- Bobcat Goldthwait
"Mommy, did you know there's a boy looking at me?" -- Little girl in Target
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. -- Anonymous
Don't let what you can't do interfere with what you can do. -- Anonymous
Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management. -- Senator Soaper
"There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher." -- Flannery O'Connor
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
It's true everything you need to know you learn in kindergarten: BOYS ARE STUPID!!!!!! -- Kathy
A CONS is an object which cares. -- Bernie Greenberg.
We are what we are.
The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost went back in time -- Steven Wright
"The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame." -- Chuq Von Rospach
"What's reality anyway? Nothing but a collective hunch." -- Jane Wagner
"Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped." -- Sam Levenson
"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." -- Sarah
"She's an actress, he's an actress, I don't see a problem! Wait....... that sounds wrong....." -- Meghan, explaining to me why people on TV can kiss anyone they want.
"I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue." -- Richard Nixon
Among the many misdeeds of the British rule in India, history will look upon the act of depriving a whole nation of arms, as the blackest. -- Mahatma Ghandi, "Gandhi, An Autobiography", page 446
Life is like an analogy.
"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out." -- Erma Bombeck
"Hey, lady, yo dog look like Cujo." -- kid in Richmond, about Jen's aunt Karen's Golden Retriever
Virtue is its own reward, but then so is sin! -- Anonymous
"Fancy? It looks like oridinaryketchup to me." -- Kristin
Your fortune stateth: You will step on the night soil of many countries.
Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
"My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you that I have signed legislation to outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." -- Ronald Reagan - Recorded when asked to do a microphone test
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. -- Jack Handey
"A language is a dialect with an army and a navy." -- Max Weinreich
You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine. -- Homer
"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path." -- Ronald Mabbitt
Your fortune stateth: You may get an opportunity for advancement today.  Watch it!
A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over."
Your fortune stateth: You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped. -- Marcel Achard
"Television is for appearing on -- not for looking at." -- Noel Coward
Your fortune stateth: Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
A farmer is a man outstanding in his field.
Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly misleading. Debug only code. -- Dave Storer
"Nothing is true. Everything is permitted." -- Hassan I Sabbah
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something. -- Pancho Villa
It is annoying to be honest to no purpose. -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid)
Yes, because they're arbitrary, except in the way that they're not arbitrary, for no reason at all. -- Matt, very sincerely.
All of humanity now has the option to "make it" successfully and sustainably, by virtue of our having minds, discovering principles and being able to employ these principles to do more with less. -- Buckminster Fuller
"Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother." -- Ken Dodd
America My Country: last nation on earth to abolish human slavery; first of all nations to drop the nuclear bomb on our fellow human beings. -- Edward Abbey
Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
Your fortune stateth: "You've got to think about tomorrow!"  "TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *yesterday* yet!"
"You three go over there and form a square." -- Jerry Boeckmann, Vianney basketball coach
"Oh yeah Mia, well, why don't you just go hang out with yourself!" -- Brooke
"It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!" -- Macy's
"Most of what I said today was right." -- Astronomy Prof Balbus, the day before the third test.
"Advertise for free. Send $50." -- Billboard on Peach Street
Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods. -- Bernard Levin
Don't talk to strangers unless they give you a bagel first. -- Sharon C.
"When football fans tear down the goal post, where do they take it?" -- Susan
"It is clear that thought is not free if the profession of certain opinions makes it impossible to earn a living." -- Bertrand Russell
It must be funnier to be stoned than to watch people who are stoned -- Anonymous
Even samurai have teddy bears and even the teddy bears get drunk -- ?
NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi. -- Ambrose Bierce
Don't gain the world and lose your soul, wisdom is better than silver or gold. -- Bob Marley
Fashion is merely a form of ugliness so unbearable that we are compelled to alter it ever six months -- Oscar Wilde
I'm not afraid of death because I don't believe in it. It's just getting out of one car, and into another. -- John Lennon
Just because a dress is red satin doesn't mean it will come off easily. -- Anonymous
"Marlene, I don't think it's acceptable to set fire to your guests." -- Jen
Happiness is not always measured in smiles. -- Anonymous
If a little knowledge is dangerous, where is the man who has so much as to be out of danger? -- Thomas Henry Huxley
How many points do you get for a 3-pointer? -- Katrina Meyer
There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, don't we all?
"I think it's adult contemporary music. The lyrics are full of new innovative obscenities." -- Paul
"I forgot how to pronounce 'loud' this morning." "See? You're just not pronunciating properly anymore!" -- Jen & Shan, exchange students in Tokyo
An artist cannot talk about his art any more than a plant can discuss horticulture. -- Jean Cocteau
I will not forget you.
Your fortune stateth: Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors.
It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things, freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them. -- Mark Twain
"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat." -- Lily Tomlin
A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it. -- Stanley Baldwin
"The bigger the information media, the less courage and freedom they allow. Bigness means weakness." -- Eric Sevareid
Happiness is not given but exchanged. -- Anonymous
Ohh bum crumbs! -- something my coach said on the way to meet a meet.
"It is a secret in the Oxford sense: you may tell it to only one person at a time." -- Oliver Franks - British philosopher and administrator
"The radical invents the views. When he has worn them out, the conservative adopts them." -- Mark Twain
There are always two people in every picture: the photographer and the viewer. -- Ansel Adams
"Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
Hartley's First Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something.
"Time: a landing field! Death needs time like a junkie needs junk." -- William S. Burroughs
Cinemuck, n.: The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters. -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
"America's one of the finest countries anyone ever stole." -- Bobcat Goldthwait
Amanda: "I got an original backstage pass from one of the Beatle's concerts for Christmas." Cindy: "Really? Wow, when's the concert?"
"Show me the books he loves and I shall know the man far better than through mortal friends." -- S. Weir Mitchell
"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top." -- English Professor, Ohio University
Aaron: "What do you call a hamburger with cheese?" Waitress: "Duh, cheeseburger."
The best lack all conviction, while the worst Are full of passionate intensity. -- William Butler Yeats, "The Second Coming"
Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is ... delay it for a while. -- The Princess Bride
A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice.
A computer, to print out a fact, Will divide, multiply, and subtract. But this output can be No more than debris, If the input was short of exact. -- Gigo
The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television. -- Anonymous
The junk merchant doesn't sell his product to the consumer, he sells the consumer to the product. He does not improve and simplify his merchandise. He degrades and simplifies the client. -- William S. Burroughs, "Naked Lunch"
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
Katie Moffett: "Donde esta el fuego baby?" Sara Liner: "En mi pantalones!"
"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse." -- W. S. Gilbert
Don't do anything by half. If you love someone, love them with all your soul. When you go to work, work your ass off. When you hate someone, hate them until it hurts. -- Henry Rollins
"My favorite color is CLEAR." -- Kristin
"Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars." -- Fred Allen
It is better to live one day as a lion, than a thousand days as a lamb. -- Roman proverb
Spouse, n.: Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
Once you have really 'heard' what the artist has expressed, it is simple - and fascinating - to work back, step by step, through the technique. Thus one may share in the task of creation. -- Edwin Adlen Jewell
We really don't have enemies. It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us. -- Anonymous
"What does playing Uno have to do with a cow's udder?" -- Maureen
"If a book is worth reading, it is worth buying." -- John Ruskin
It is a widely accepted notion among painters that it does not matter what one paints as long as it is well painted. This is the essence of academicism. There is no such thing as good painting about nothing. -- Mark Rothko, (1903-1970)
"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject." -- Winston Churchill
Let go of your attachment to being right, and suddenly your mind is more open. You're able to benefit from the unique viewpoints of others, without being crippled by your own judgment. -- Ralph Marston
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
But I wanna be a spice girl too! -- Mike
I like to get my daily patch of grass when it's still hot and green. -- Tiffany
Boys are cute,but food is cuter -- Tori Amos
Do you want me to suck yours? -- Janet Henry, referring to a lollipop
"Policemen are numbered in case they get lost." -- Spike Milligan - British comic actor and author
The girl who can't dance says the band can't play. -- Yiddish Proverb
"Well, you should have told me they were there. I wasn't looking" -- Sam, after running into a stack of tables with a tractor.
"Science has made gods of us before we were even worthy of being men." -- Jean Rostand
I wanted to command some faith to the audience. I wanted them to be intrigued, absolutely curious about what I am. That's what makes music attractive to me - it's the hole you get sucked into when you really get into a song. -- Black Francis
"She's a very dominant woman; she walks on the ground I worship." -- Dennis Miller
Jone's Motto: Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Our Generation has had no Great war, no Great Depression. Our war is spiritual. Our depression is our lives. -- Chuck Palahniuk
The problem with designing something completley foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of a complete fool. -- Douglas Adams
"Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music for longer than they would ordinarily." -- David Byrne
I prefer to think of fashion as a verb. -- Jean Muir
Sullivan's Law: When given the choice between two alternatives, always pick the third! -- Patrick H. Sullivan
If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
"The big print giveth and the fine print taketh away." -- J. Falton Sheen, US Roman Catholic Archbishop referring to his contract for a television appearance.
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancer people.
Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ...
"Great ideas need landing gear as well as wings." -- C. D. Jackson
"Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look like you ..." --- Gilda Radner
"Actually I'm not 'Such' -- that's my evil twin. Boy, I'm just digging myself deeper and deeper aren't I?" -- Ellie
Miss, n.: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished. -- H.D. Thoreau
Life is a disease, sexually transmitted and fatal. -- Neil Gaiman
God, please save me from your followers! -- Anonymous
The most wasted day of all is that in which we have not laughed. -- Sebastian Roch Nicolas Chamfort
Ungar, Yanni, ZOLTAR?????? You really think Rachel and Zoltar sound like a good couple? -- Rachel
I dream my painting, and then I paint my dream. -- Vincent van Gogh
If you are all wrapped up in yourself, you are overdressed -- Kate Halverson
"The function of socialism is to raise suffering to a higher level." -- Norman Mailer
He who dies a thousand deaths meets the final hour with the calmness of one who approaches a well remembered door. -- Heywood Brown
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Age is a tyrant who forbids, at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth.
Murphy's Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory.
A prediction is worth twenty explanations. -- K. Brecher
Love is a gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everybody else. -- George Bernard Shaw
"Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car." -- Evan Davis
"Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book." -- Marcus Tullius Cicero
A verbal art like poetry is reflective; it stops to think. Music is immediate, it goes on to become. -- W. H. Auden
While you are experimenting, do not remain content with the surface of things. Don't become a mere recorder of facts, but try to penetrate the mystery of their origin. -- Ivan Pavlov
"Sexually active people have a higher chance of becoming pregnant." -- Mr. Koesters, Religion Teacher
The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.
A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility. -- Aristotle
In a dorm at UW, beer and rum bottles everywhere.... A knock at the door. Greg whispers, "It's the cops!" Paul B. shouts at the door, "Nobody here but us chipmunks!"
She's going away and we'll never ever see her again until tomorrow. -- Bekah
"Justice is incidental to law and order." -- J. Edgar Hoover
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... The study of milkmen -- Stephen Wright
"Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down." -- Russell Baker
"Unfortunately, you all scored very well on the last exam. This won't be the case for the next one. My goal is to drive the grades DOWN." -- Mr. Milotz, high school physics teacher.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. -- William James
Stephanie called and insisted that she needed a ride, dragging me out of bed at 10 a.m. on a Saturday... Me: "Okay, now where do you need to go?" Her: "I don't care. Let's just ride around; I'm off till Thursday."
I really meant: how would you explain the unmatching socks to the person you were gonna get some from? -- Jer
The clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. -- Mark Twain
"I would hate to have a god named Waldo." -- Nafees Bin Zafar after spending 100 minutes studying Ralph Waldo Emerson and Transcendentalism.
Fortune and love befriend the bold. -- Ovid
The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed and hence, clamorous to be led to safety - by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblin, all of them imaginary. -- H. L. Mencken
People say "I want peace." If you remove I {ego}, and your want {desire}, you are left with peace. -- Satya Sai Baba
How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before beginning to improve the world. -- Anne Frank
"The trouble was that he was talking in philosophy, but they were listening in gibberish." -- Terry Pratchett, _Small Gods_
Van Roy's Law: An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
I'm considering stealing a coffee bean from the plant house and chewing on the cotyledons. -- Lisa
Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power. -- P. J. O'Rourke
Your fortune stateth: You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely larger than others.
Shannon: Life's hard and then you die. Jessica: And that's the good part!
"Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast." -- Douglas Adams
Love may conquer all, but it needs time as its field general. -- Anonymous
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. -- Steven Wright
Your fortune stateth: You will engage in a profitable business activity.
Under democracy one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule--and both commonly succeed, and are right. -- H. L. Mencken
"We all know that art is not truth. Art is the lie that makes us realize truth -- at least the truth that is given us to understand." -- Pablo Picasso
Any tool is a weapon if you hold it right -- Ani Difranco
A metaphor is like a simile.
Collaboration, n.: A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other fellow can spell.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Accident, n.: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better.
"I used to be disgusted; now I try to be amused." -- Elvis Costello
Life is neither a spectacle nor a feast, it is predicament. -- George Santayana
"Close but no cheese!" -- Kim
Proof by importance: A large body of useful consequences all follow from the proposition in question.
"The dash should be used more. I-LIKE-THE-DASH!" -- Mrs. Dial, senior english
"Basic research is when I'm doing what I don't know what I'm doing." -- Wernher Von Braun
"Come on, Erica. Be a prostitute. Just this once!" -- Sharon trying to get me to be in her play
If a man had as many ideas during the day as he does when he has insomnia, he'd make a fortune. -- Griff Niblack
If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive! -- Samuel Goldwyn
Look alive. Here comes a buzzard. -- Pogo, character in "Pogo," comic strip by Walt Kelly
Nobody is stronger, nobody is weaker than someone who came back.There is nothing you can do to such a person because whatever you could do is less than what has already been done to him. We have already paid the price. -- Elie Wiesel
"Because a grasshopper with only one leg is not truly alive..." -- Pabo Wakataeo
With practice the craft will come almost of itself, in spite of you and all the more easitly if you think of something besides technique. -- Paul Gauguin, In Art/Technique
"Everything has a boolean value, if you stand far enough away from it." -- Galena Alyson Canada
What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the entrance?
When nations grow old, the arts grow cold and commerce settles on every tree. -- William Blake
Your fortune stateth: You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
"I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair." -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton"
You want me? Come on and break the door down. You want me? Come on and fucking break the door down. -- Radiohead
No evil can happen to a good man. -- Plato
"I saw a sign: 'Rest Area 25 Miles.' That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired." -- Steven Wright
To do is to be. -- Voltaire
Never build a dungeon you wouldn't be happy to spend the night in yourself. The world would be a happier place if more people remembered that. -- Terry Pratchett, "Guards! Guards!"
Quiet! SHH hush ya mouth, silence when i spit it out, in your face, open your mouth, give you a taste..HOLLA! -- Missy Elliot
In ancient times skilful warriors first made themselves invincible, and then watched for vulnerability in their opponents. -- Sun Tzu, "The Art of War"
"Wherever you have an efficient government you have a dictatorship." -- Harry S. Truman
Life is only a outer layer, for reality is only realized by the insane. -- Valleix Herard
When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat.
Painting is a faith, and it imposes the duty to disregard public opinion. -- Vincent van Gogh
"There is nothing outside the text." -- Jacques Derrida
Technical knowledge is not enough. One must transcend techniques so that art becomes an artless art, growing out of the unconscious. -- Daisetz Teitaro Suzuki
Did you hear about the model who sat on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure?
"The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants." -- Adam Walinsky
"Aluminum was once a precious metal." -- Jules Verne
It is well, when judging a friend, to remember that he is judging you with the same godlike and superior impartiality. -- Arnold Bennett
I'm talkin 'bout a fine white wine....like Mad Dog 20/20 -- Robin Williams
"For proper pickle placement: no pickle piling please." -- Karen S., during a discussion of sandwich style.
"The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause." -- Mark Twain
"Good <insert noun> man, cheap!" -- Serdar when describing virtually anything he buys, such as "Good paper towels man, cheap!"
When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong. -- Buckminster Fuller
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. -- George Santayana, "The Life of Reason"
A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
"You are demented. Get in your personal space and stay there!" -- Kim
We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history. -- Anonymous
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people. -- Lucille S. Harper
"Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner." -- Calvin Keegan
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. -- P.J. O'Rourke
"For what is liberty but the unhampered translation of will into act?" -- Dante Alighieri
Your fortune stateth: You have been selected for a secret mission.
I thought it was a marashino cherry! I swear! -- Jaryn's mom, a.k.a. DeadMeat, after she bit her husband's lip so hard that it bled.
Our team is not bad, we are just... um... wait a second, I'll think of it. -- Carrie, basketball coach, after a loosing season.
There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get any worse.
Objectivity is in the eye of the beholder.
Simon's Law: Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
The thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble is sex. -- Anonymous
By me sad hours seem long... -- Romeo
"I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke. I think I saw God." -- B. Hathrume Duk
Even a band of angels can turn ugly and start looting if enough angels are unemployed and hanging around the Pearly Gates convinced that all the succubi own all the liquor stores in Heaven. -- P. J. O'Rourke
Honesty's the best policy. -- Miguel de Cervantes
Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only take a bath ...
There was a young poet named Dan, Whose poetry never would scan. When told this was so, He said, "Yes, I know. It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
"I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
To err is human, two curs canine.
Physics, schmisics... hand me the wrench. -- FinalKoban
"America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so we could all be anything we damn well please." -- P.J. O'Rourke
He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much a master of the world as he who is ready to die. -- Giacomo Leopardi
Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: August. The lines are the shortest, though. -- Steve Rubenstein
C'est a la fin de la foire qu'on compte les bouses -- Tatie DanieLe
Life is like a beautiful melody, only the lyrics are messed up. -- Anonymous
Nuclear fission is more like ping-pong. -- Roy Hartzler
"Do not fear death so much but rather the inadequate life." -- Bertolt Brecht
...the fog is rising. -- Emily Dickinson, dying words
Hey Chill, have a mental margarita. -- Andrea, wishing she could have a real one.
"There is no sin except for stupidity." -- Oscar Wilde
"Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
It [genius] is personality with a penny's worth of talent. Error which chances to rise above the commonplace. -- Pablo Picasso
Your fortune stateth: You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
I'm just going to wear what I've got on. I'm just going to change a couple things. -- Jen in her p.j.'s getting ready for work on a Saturday
"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened." -- Winston Churchill
"I'm going to get a gun and kill everybody that doesn't like my tattoo." -- Mike Bossart
Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.
Less and grayer hair. -- Cal Ripkin Jr., baseball player, describing how he has changed over the course of his consecutive games record
That government is best which governs least. -- Henry David Thoreau, Civil Disobedience, 1849
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
A beautiful thing never gives so much pain as does failing to hear and see it. -- Michelangelo
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. -- Anonymous
I'm not doing this *just* to be weird.
When I am halfway there with a painting, it can occasionally be thrilling... But it happens very rarely; usually it's agony... I go to great pains to mask [the agony]. But the struggle is there. It's the invisible enemy. -- Richard Diebenkorn
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Bumper sticker: "All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture"
(Our cross country team is walking back to school after a "Slurpee run".) Bystander: Aren't you guys supposed to be running? Andy Z. (several seconds later): Yeah, shut up!
In literature as in love, we are astonished at what is chosen by others. -- Andre Maurois
If automobiles had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. -- Robert Cringely
He found himself understanding the wearisomeness of this life, where every path was an improvisation and a considerable part of one's waking life was spent watching one's feet. -- William Golding
Wherever you have an efficient government you have a dictatorship. -- Harry S. Truman
Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake? -- John Heywood
Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
"Squeeze Cheez is so a food group!" -- Dani
"I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones." -- The Doctor
The true genius shudders at incompleteness - and usually prefers silence to saying something which is not everything it should be. -- Edgar Allen Poe
DEFAME, v.t. To lie about another. To tell the truth about another. -- Ambrose Bierce
"Maybe my name is Beelzebub and I just want you to call me Bubby." -- Abby, explaining the nickname field on a job application
If you avoid the truth, you pay for your lies. A lie always does the most harm to the person who tells it. -- Karen Moline, "Belladonna"
Your fortune stateth: If you can read this, you're too close.
One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
"You get what anyone gets - you get a lifetime" -- Death (From The Neil Gaiman Comic Sandman)
He who knows how to appreciate color relationships, the influence of one color on another, their contrasts and dissonances, is promised an infinitely diverse imagery. -- Sonia Delaunay
"Applause is the spur of noble minds, the end and aim of weak ones." -- Charles Caleb Colton
Patience with others is Love, Patience with self is Hope, Patience with God is Faith. -- Adel Bestavros
All explorers are seeking something they have lost. It is seldom that they find it, and more seldom still that the attainment brings them greater happiness than the quest. -- Arthur C. Clarke
The wicked are always suprised to find that the good can be clever. -- Marquis de Vauvenargues, "Reflexions et Maximes"
"Can anyone explain why Matthew's head is radioactive?" -- Mr. Jones, GSCE Chemistry
Advanced scientific research has shown that tanks do not fly well. You can be thankful that you are not in a tank now. -- on United Airlines, D.C. to Chicago, midflight.
I have only one superstition. Touch all the bases when I hit a home run. -- Babe Ruth
In Ireland you're allowed to say you love God and babies and horses that win but anything else is a softness in the head. -- Frank McCourt , Angela's Ashes
An eel in the grass is an eel indeed. -- my brother, Ben Sichel.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. -- Al Capone
Until lions have their historians, tales of the hunt shall always glorify the hunter. -- African Proverb
Your fortune stateth: Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.
"No, no!" said the Queen, "Sentence first - Verdict afterwards." -- Lewis Caroll - Alice in Wonderland
"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased." -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
"Oooh! Road pizza!" -- Jen, upon seeing a pizza box with pizza in it in the middle of the road up in the mountains.
How about this for tomorrows headlines- French Fries? -- James French, shortly before execution in the electric chair
That feeling isn't fear, it's just telling you to MOVE !! -- Rancid
"Oh great, so now I'm the bad guy?" -- R Schwemle, after rear ending a police car sitting at a light.
I often think the night is more alive and more richly colored than the day. -- Vincent van Gogh
All changes, even the most longed for have their melancholy, for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves. We must die to one life before we can enter another -- Anatole France
I don't wait for moods. You accomplish nothing if you do that. Your mind must know it has to get down to work. -- Pearl S. Buck
Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
Your fortune stateth: You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
My mom and I watching budist priest crossing the street: Me: Look at that! Mom: It's those... monkey people!
A thorough software professional is one who when his wife yells at him "goto hell" , worries more about the goto statement than what his wife is upset about. -- -weirdo-
I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life and see if I could not learn what they had to teach; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. -- Henry David Thoreau, "Walden"
"To those who think that the law of gravity interferes with their freedom, there is nothing to say." -- Lionel Tiger
Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. -- W. Somerset Maugham
"Work and play are words to describe the same thing under different conditions." -- Mark Twain
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one of the risks he takes. -- Adlai Stevenson
"Waldo is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death." -- Hector Hugh Munro, "Saki", British writer - referring to Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Sleep is for the weak and sickly.
Humanity rages like a tempest, but I sigh in silence for I know the storm must pass away while a sigh goes to god. -- Kahlil Gibran, "A Poet's Voice"
"I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't that good." -- Amy Gorin
"Like its politicians and its wars, society has the teenagers it deserves." -- J. B. Priestley
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." -- Henny Youngman
"Ultimately, aren't we all just talking monkeys with an attitude problem?" -- "Uncle" Ben
All suffering comes from a person's inability to sit still and be alone. -- Anthony de Mello
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
"A school should not be a preparation for life. A school should be life." -- Elbert Green Hubbard
It is a heretic which builds a fire, not she who burns in't. -- Shakespeare
When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. -- Lynch
No one becomes perfect, but some become great. -- Anonymous
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. -- Will Rogers
Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance.
"Indifference is isolation. In difference is texture and wonder." -- Edwin Schlossberg
The essence of all art is to have pleasure in giving pleasure. -- Mikhail Baryshnikov
"The movie is rated R. I'm hoping for the best." -- Chris, Cal State, Bakersfield
A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fuckin' cross? It's kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on." -- Bill Hicks
It's all fun and games until somebody looses an eye, then its friggin' hilarious! -- Ray Sanderson
That made Homey very unhappy. -- Overheard in the kitchen as my Uncle Bear dropped an egg on the floor.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
Alas, I am dying beyond my means. -- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed
"Abuse of words has been the great instrument of sophistry and chicanery, of party, faction, and division of society." -- John Adams
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. -- Oscar Wilde
Doing gets it done.
A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano ...
"How does one become a gigolo? I can't even give it away as often as I would like, and now people are going to pay me for it?" -- Jimmy
"Oh, i am slain!" -- Polonius
"I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes." -- Richard Nixon, U.S. President
Your fortune stateth: You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
Command, n.: Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
When you were here before, I couldn't look you in the eye. You're just like an angel, Your skin makes me cry. You float like a feather, In a beautiful world, You're so fuckin special, I wish I was special. -- Radiohead
You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little pot belly and a bald spot. -- Elayne Boosler
When birds burp, it must taste like bugs. -- Calvin
Your fortune stateth: You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
Brooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
Pardo's First Postulate: Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Arnold's Addendum: Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
Whenever I'm stoned, I always seem to talk with my mouth. -- Jenn, stoned, meaning to explain that she always seems to talk with her hands.
When I started I couldn't fix jack... now I can fix jack and jill. -- Kerry
You know, if you weren't one of my best friends, I wouldn't like you very much. -- Alana, after Allyson joking insulted her
"A candour affected is a dagger concealed." -- Marcus Aurelius
"This is crazy. I can't think!" -- Jenny, getting a little too excited in a bead store.
There is a quake that rips the soul asunder. . . it is the pain of remembering. -- Nrb
Time: that which man is always tring to kill, ends in killing him -- Herbert Spencer
Your fortune stateth: You'll never see all the places, or read all the books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended.
Have a nice day!
"The hand of God could come down and guide your hand and you still wouldn't be able to do it. It can NEVER be done by YOU!" -- Adam, to Jimmy, who was trying to learn to spin a pen
"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing." -- Mark Twain
Love is stronger than justice. -- Sting
Jan (playing chess with Ben): "What do you think about that move, huh?" (Ben silently takes Jan's queen) Jan (after brief pause): "[expletive deleted]"
If the future isn't what it used to be, does that mean that the past is subject to change in times to come?
O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist.
Brains for breakfast, brains for lunch, brains for dinner, brains for brunch, brains at every single meal why can't we have some guts? -- The Misfits
"Herb garden my eye!" -- Rando, after watching a Chia Pet Commercial
Surely all art is the result of one's having been in danger, of having gone through an experience all the way to the end, where no one can go any further. -- Rainer Maria Rilke
"Our bus driver is God. We got down the Jersey Turnpike in two hours." -- Mr. Fulwiler, Histroy Teacher.
Never frown...even when you're sad you never know when someone is falling in love with your smile. -- Anonymous
Even overweight cats instinctively know the cardinal rule: when fat, arrange yourself in slim poses. -- John Weitz, American Designer
But soft you, the fair Ophelia: Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, But get thee to a nunnery -- go! -- Mark "The Bard" Twain
One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet when well oiled.
"Driving to work; what a stupid way to die." -- Brandon Lovejoy
This fortune is false.
"I have too much blood in my caffeine system"
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat! -- Will Rogers
Mom always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up, 'within reason.' When I asked her what she meant by 'within reason,' she said, 'You ask a lot of questions for a garbage man.' -- Jack Handey
"I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still ..." -- Steven Wright
Your fortune stateth: Your step will soil many countries.
William : "Why don't you just stay in my room tonight?" Unknown girl: "You have a bunk bed. There wouldn't be room for both of us." William : "Sure, side-by-side, no way. But how about if we were STACKED!?" -- About 2:00am after a very fun dorm party.
The life which is unexamined is not worth living. -- Plato
No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
Sometimes, too long is too long. -- Joe Crowe
"In the future everyone will be world-famous for fifteen minutes." -- Andy Warhol
That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. -- Dorothy Parker
If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk.
Ozman's Laws: 1. If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't. 2. The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. 3. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 4. Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
"Anybody who thinks of going to bed before 12 o'clock is a scoundrel." -- Samuel Johnson
Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
"So, like, is Worf from a different planet or something?" -- uttered by a friend upon walking in on a episode of Star Trek: TNG.
You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. -- Henny Youngman
"If those people throw rocks at my car I'll ... I'll ... Well, I'll just drive away!" -- Tina
Books, like friends, should be few and well chosen. -- Samuel Paterson
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
True stability results when presumed order and presumed disorder are balanced. A truly stable system expects the unexpected, is prepared to be disrupted, waits to be transformed. -- Tom Robbins
"Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?" -- James Thurber - Cartoon caption.
"What do you mean 'way'? As in 'curds and'?" -- Jess R.
"Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes." -- Henry David Thoreau
"Someone's been mean to you! Tell me who it is, so I can punch him tastefully." -- Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse
Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund. -- F. J. Raymond
I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said, but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do -- Sartre
"Hey! Who do they think they're fooling?" -- Matt, to an Airbourne Express truck driving down the highway.
Another way in is the other way out; Never doubt where to exit; it is another entrance out. -- Andrew S. Pudliner
What a hoe, raking the rice fields of Bangladesh! -- Lisa
As long as a man stands in his own way, everything seems to be in his way: government, society, and even the sun, moon and stars. -- Henry David Thoreau
"There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it." -- George Bernard Shaw
An artist has been defined as a neurotic who continually cures himeself with his art -- Lee Simonson
It's easier to shovel snow in the summer. -- U. Mercado, after having to shovel snow after a snow storm in Canada
Rome was not built in one day. -- John Heywood
"Am I irresistible?" "To what--fire or bullets?"
He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth.
Me: It's a full moon tonight Caitlin: Where is the moon? (we look up and around for a minute) Me:I don't see it Caitlin: Ohmygod! Where'd the moon go! (we become hysterical until we realize it's behind us)
It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished.
That's what she said.
"Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction." -- Blaise Pascal
The closer I'm bound in love to you, the closer I am to free. -- Indigo Girls, song lyric
The company mass producing fear. bottled, capped, distributed near and far, sold for a reasonable price. The people they love it they feed it. Brush with it, bathe with it, breathe it. Inject it direct to the blood. It seems to be replacing love. -- Nofx
"Irrationally held truths may be more harmful than reasoned errors." -- Thomas Henry Huxley
"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen." -- Albert Einstein
"Drive in banks were established so most of the cars today can see their real owners." -- E. Joseph Cossman
"I'm a paradox! I'm Irish and allergic to alcohol." -- Jamie A.
Time is the mother and murderer of all things. -- Beth Newell as Mrs. Bristol, "Old Things Forgotten" (upcoming independent film)
After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexpressible is music. -- Aldous Huxley
God gave man two ears and one tongue so that we listen twice as much as we speak. -- Arab proverb
"People are really just apes with a cultivated tuft of hair." -- Margaret, the paralegal
Love is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. -- Lisa Hoffman
"Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten." -- B.F. Skinner
"Yes, I've been meeting lots of women. In fact, I have a satchetful of them. YES! A satchelful of Gulliver's Travels size women." -- Jase
Parkinson's Fourth Law: The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done.
The highest use of capital is not to make more money, but to make money do more for the betterment of life. -- Henry Ford
"There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are." -- W. Somerset Maugham
Nothing is true, everything is permitted. -- William S. Burroughs
"A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they by being declared to work." -- Anatol Holt
"Hello. You have reached a person that has been temporarily disconnected. Okay, so I have been permanently disconnected, that's not the point. Please leave a message. Thanks." -- Ellie's latest answering machine message
REBEL, n. A proponent of a new misrule who has failed to establish it. -- Ambrose Bierce
Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting yourself from who you really are. -- George Carlin, "Napalm and Silly Putty"
"People who like this sort of thing will find this the sort of thing they like." -- Richard Nixon
Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you from enjoying it.
"I am always sorry when any language is lost, because languages are the pedigrees of nations." -- Samuel Johnson
-- Exclusive dedication to necessitious chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow.
Your fortune stateth: You have no real enemies.
... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
"Way I see it, we're all on the Hindenburg, no use fighting over the window seat." -- Richard Jeni, "Richard Jeni: Good Catholic Boy"
"I'm sure glad my ancestors did not invent the flush toilet. Then my name would be crap. Poor Thomas Crapper." -- John
"We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized before we are fit to participate in society." -- Miss Manners (Judith Martin)
"Don't look at me like I'm evil." -- Jess R.
Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
The Crown is full of it! -- Nate Harris, 1775
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it. -- John Keats
I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes. -- Steven Wright
Evilwill always triumph over good, because it is dumb. -- Dark Helmet
"Becca's head looks like a turnip. And I've known her for eight years." -- Amanda
Never vote for the best candidate, vote for the one who will do the least harm. -- Frank Dane
Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who can't talk for people who can't read. -- Frank Zappa
If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies. -- Unknown
La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah.
Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration -- Thomas Edison
"And if the phone's not ringing, then it's me not calling!" -- PJBJ to his sister Sue
I love going down to the elementary school, watching all the kids jump and shout, but they dont know Im using blanks. -- Jack Handey
Absence makes the heart go wander.
"Far too many relied on the classic formula of a beginning, a muddle, and an end." -- Philip Carlin - British poet - referring to modern novels
Brain fried -- Core dumped
"No matter how hard you try, there is always going to be someone more underground than you." -- Robert Fulford
So live that your memories will be part of your happiness. -- Anonymous
Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. -- Woody Allen
Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. -- Alan McKay
Wolnosc polega na tym, aby rozpatrywac smialo kazda sytuacje, w jaka czlowiek wpakuje sie z wlasnej i nieprzymuszonej woli; i brac na siebie wszelka wynikla tu odpowiedzialnosc -- Jean Paul Sartre
If everyone had a can of play-doh in their favorite colour, then there would be no violence in the world, only a bunch of content people. -- Kate Dennis
Your fortune stateth: You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
"Half of the church is watching the other half watch the priest; the other half is just asleep" -- Joe Ely Carrales, III
My father was a minister. I had to make up for the lack of sin. -- Milwuakee mayor, on why he became a politician
Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
When Marriage is Outlawed, Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
Well, I guess I'll see if I can make things fit by breaking things. When in doubt, break something. -- Paul
"Forgive him, for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature!" -- George Bernard Shaw
"Dead birds don't fall out of their nests." -- Winston Churchill - when someone told him his fly buttons were undone
Stupid, n.: Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all be brothers? -- Jack Handey
"Books aren't written to be believed in, but to be questioned." -- Umberto Eco
April: "I'll try anything once." Jordie: "What about the time when --" April: "-- or twice."
"Que sera, seratonin! (Meep.)" -- Mercy
EXPERIENCE, n. The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced. -- Ambrose Bierce
ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church- door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
"The proverb warns that 'You should not bite the hand that feeds you.' But maybe you should if it prevents you from feeding yourself." -- Thomas Szasz
"My own suspicion is that the universe is not only queerer than we suppose, but queerer than we *can* suppose." -- John Haldane
This slogan is programming you in ways that may not be apparent for months, or even years.
Eileen: It's amazing how people can all live in one country and speak different languages - don't you think? Isn't it amazing how progress can be made like that? Ben: Hey, look at that flower. It's a flower. It's yellow.
"I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth and they never believe me." -- Camillo Di Cavour
Coffee: creative lighter fluid. -- Floyd Maxwell
People, if given the choice between anarchy and dictatorship, will always choose dictatorship because anarchy is the worst dictatorship of all. -- Eric Sevareid
"Why was I born with such contemporaries?" -- Oscar Wilde
'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan.  Never odd or even.  A man, a plan, a canal, Panama.  Madam, I'm Adam.  Sit on a potato pan, Otis.  Sit on Otis. -- The Mad Palindromist
"Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you." -- Jean Rostand - Le Mariage
When you forget to eat you know you're alive. -- Henry Miller
"The greater the number of laws, the greater the number of offenses against them." -- Havelock Ellis
You get more joy out of the giving to others, and should put a good deal of thought into the happiness you are able to give. -- Eleanor Roosevelt
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
"I believe in compulsory cannibalism. If people were forced to eat what they killed, there would be no more wars." -- Abbie Hoffman
UNIVERSALIST, n. One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons of another faith. -- Ambrose Bierce
But that's what being an artist is -- feeling crummy before everyone else feels crummy. -- New Yorker
"It's pointless to be pointless, because in order to be pointless, you have to be a curve, which is actually a series of points, so if you're going to be pointless, you'd better have a DAMNED good reason for it." -- Jay
Jason: "Happy Pork Day!" Missy: "What's pork day?" Jason: "Everybody gets porked" -- One very boring day in homeroom.
For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. -- R. Clopton
I die hard, but I am not afraid to go. -- George Washington's last words, 1799
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
Frederick Douglass taught that literacy is the path from slavery to freedom. There are many kinds of slavery and many kinds of freedom. But reading is still the path. -- Carl Sagan
"My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it." -- Buddy Hackett
Tempt me with a spoon!
We must either outlive our friends, you know, or our friends must outlive us; and I see no man that would hesitate about the choice. -- Dr. Samuel Johnson
"Yeah, I look at it once in a while, but it's not like I have a prescription or anything..." -- Tom, when asked if he reads Playboy.
How do our lives ravel out into the no-wind, no-sound, the weary gestures wearily recapitulant: echoes of old compulsions with no-hand on no-strings: in sunset we fall into furious attitudes, dead gestures of dolls. -- William Faulkner, "As I Lay Dying"
Student: "Madame, can we have some more of that bread?" Teacher: "No, no. The rest of this is for fifth hour." (Bread topples to floor.) (Teacher hurriedly gathers it up and puts it back in the bag) Teacher: "Well, we won't tell fifth hour."
"Oh look, my brain just exploded! Cool idea, though." -- Carl Rigney
All phone calls are obscene. -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon
"I'VE GOT TWO BRAINS!!!!!" -- Matt, in a fit of demonic madness
You should have seen the dog when I did that to HIS leg! -- Overheard late at night at 7-11.
Whatever became of eternal truth?
Ericka: "But now there's no room in the sugar thing for the little you in the black dress!" Ellie: "I know, that's why I'm in that one on the other table."
If I accept you as you are, I will make you worse; however, if I treat you as though you are what you are capable of becoming, I help you become that. -- Goethe
Have an adequate day.
"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana." -- Groucho Marx
You have conquered, and I yield. Yet, henceforward, art thou also dead - - dead to the World, to Heaven, and to Hope! In me didst thou exist - - and, in my death, see by this image, which is thine own, how utterly thou hast murdered thyself.
If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him. -- Voltaire
Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
"When I can no longer bear to think of the victims of broken homes, I begin to think of the victims of intact ones." -- Peter De Vries
Do I make yoy randy, baby? Do I make you horny? Do I, baby, do I? -- Austin Powers To Agent Kensington Sr.
PEACE, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. -- Ambrose Bierce
It takes a very long time to become young. -- Pablo Picasso
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he's supposed to be doing at the moment. -- Robert Benchley
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." -- W.C. Fields
Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it. -- Winston Churchill
I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob. -- William F. Buckley
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. -- Hunter S. Thompson
Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy. -- Hans Liepmann
This dance of death which sounds so musically Was sure intended for the corpse de ballet. -- Anonymous
Join the march to save individuality!
"God is subtle but he is not malicious." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
It's only a one horse dairy. -- MLO
If I were two-faced, why would I be wearing this one? -- Abraham Lincoln
"If you flattened out Wales, it would be bigger than killing everybody."
PREJUDICE, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support. -- Ambrose Bierce
ERUDITION, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull. -- Ambrose Bierce
"The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity." -- Ellen Parr
To rebel! That is the immediate objective of poets! We can not wait and will not be held back...The "poetic marvelous" and the unconscious are the true inspirers of rebels and poets -- Philip Lamantia
"Imitation is the sincerest form of plagiarism." -- Carl Beaudry (until you can prove otherwise)
It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. -- Oxford University Press, Edpress News
Oh boy, you found the marble in the oatmeal. You know what that means....you get to drink from the fire hose -- Stanley Spadowski, Uhf
"I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark." -- Woody Allen
Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it. -- Terry Pratchett, "Reaper Man"
"Keep out of children." -- on a machine full of knives in shop class
Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should have gotten.
Don't ride a bike or motorcyle without shoes on. It is very painful! -- Anna Devret
The best throw with the dice is to throw them away. -- Anonymous
"you dont know me, you just met me, well if i couldnt have it..silly rabbit, why ya sweat me" -- 2pac
Defeat may test you; it need not stop you. If at first you don't succeed, try another way. For every obstacle there is a solution. Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. The greatest mistake is giving up. -- Anonymous
Often things ARE as bad as they seem!
Beth: "Boy, you are getting on my nerves." Jonathan: "Boy? You'd better feel again."
"I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40." -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd just shot.
"I was almost a Tickle Me virgin for... uh, a Tickle Me Elmo virgin for my whole life." -- Julie at her first sight of Tickle Me Elmo, April 1997
Lunatic Asylum, n.: The place where optimism most flourishes.
I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't. -- Jules Renard
Some of the smallest situations are the biggest to some people. -- Anonymous
Shamis: (sarcastically) Very attractive. Pick up all the guys that way? Jillian: I don't know; is it working? -- after Jillian emits possibly the biggest burp in the history of the world.
Corrupt, adj.: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
"Most reformers wore rubber boots and stood on glass when God sent a current of Commonsense through the Universe." -- Elbert Hubbard
History is merely a list of surprises. It can only prepare us to be surprised yet again. -- Kurt Vonnegut
"The 80's was a bad time for everyone's hair." -- Paul
I find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by looking up something and finding something else on the way. -- Franklin P. Adams
Deborah: All guys are bad. Elizabeth: It must come with having a penis.
How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent.
"The smartest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it, either. So what I'm left with is the memory of having learned something very wise that I can't quite remember." -- Bethany
We look like K-Mart rock 'n rollers, you know, the discount clothes stores where all the hicks go. -- Kim Deal
"That's a hell of an ambition, to be mellow. It's like wanting to be senile." -- Randy Newman
Nothing endures but change. -- Heraclitus
Did you ever wake up after a night of drinking and feel like the brain cells the alcohol killed were the important ones? -- Dave Reckess
"Touch my monkey, feed him Cool Whip." -- ghond
Your fortune stateth: That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it. -- Anonymous
That which goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over. He who gets around usually gets a shot or two every month. -- Doug
If purple monkeys weren't meant to fly then why do i only see them when I'm high? -- Joe
Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: One and a half.
"God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh." -- Voltaire
"Hey Brennan! It's me, Whitney. Remember, the one banging on you for the past 9 months? It's me!!!!" -- Whit, age 2, to his newborn baby brother.
"God is dead, but fifty thousand social workers have risen to take his place." -- J. D. McCoughey
Make new friends but keep the old ones; one is silver and the other's gold. -- Anonymous
And the wild regrets and the bloody sweats None knew so well as I: That he who lives more lives than one, More deaths than one shall die. -- Oscar Wilde
"Chaos is the score upon which reality is written." -- Henry Miller
What moves men of genius, or rather what inspires their work, is not new ideas, but their obsession with the idea that what has already been said is still not enough -- Eugene Delacroix
"The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom." -- Supreme Court Justice William Orville Douglas
I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them -- Jane Austen
"Try to keep things in perspective. Fifty years from now, kids in history classes will be yawning over what panics us today." -- Unknown
"Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove."
If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. -- Graham Summer
"Don't make me piss on your chicken sandwich" -- Jason McCartney
That's just typical! Five minutes before the most important party of my life and the house is destroyed by a giant sandwich. -- Rick
Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it.
If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
A weed is no more than a flower in disguise. -- James Lowell
Your fortune stateth: You learn to write as if to someone else because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE."
Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. the foundation of such a method is love. -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
PATIENCE, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue. -- Ambrose Bierce
Matthew: Having a TV in the kitchen is a bad idea. Karen: Know what's worse? Having a kitchen in the bedroom.
We hung out at the rainbow where we drank til' half past two. Nothing could go wrong anytime that I'm with you. Like crashing a hotel room or leading up to that first kiss Or searching for a high school that you know doesn't exist... -- The Ataris
Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. -- Beckett
Doh doh,..... DOH! -- Homer Simpson
I'm changing mathematics. From now on when you see 28, you have to write 27. If anyone asks you why you're doing that, just tell them your Math 12 teacher said so. -- Nitu Kitchloo (Deborah's Math 12 teacher)
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
"There are not enough Indians in the world to defeat the Seventh Cavalry" -- George Armstrong Custer
"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
Saying that Windows95 is equal to Macintosh is like finding a potato that looks like Jesus and believing you've witnessed the second coming. -- Guy Kawasaki
He had discovered a great law of human action, without knowing it - namely, that in order to make a man or a boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to obtain. -- Mark Twain, "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer"
Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersy.
While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very reassuring to know that it's still there.
"In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take." -- Adlai Stevenson
"Any body of men who believe in hell will persecute whenever they have the power." -- Joseph M. McCabe
Did I say 2? I lied.
Quack!  Quack!! Quack!!
Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way. -- Anonymous
The only second chance we get is to make the same mistake twice -- State And Main
There is one thing more exasperating than a spouse who can cook and won't, and that's a spouse who can't cook and will. -- Anonymous
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking -- H. L. Mencken
"You can't carry that. You haven't sniffed it yet." -- Ellie's Dad
There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written. -- Oscar Wilde
I had never spoken to her, except for a few casual words. and yet her name was like a summons to all my foolish blood. -- James Joyce
I'm not as dumb as you think I am, I've learned a thing or two. I don't care about nothing at all, but I think the world of you. -- All, "Think of You"
Nobody gets into heaven without a glowstick. -- Homer
"There's just something about a guy in a skirt." -- Julie, about the guys in kilts at the Scottish Highland Games.
"It's open season on my breasts when I'M dating someone." -- Mel, while discussing when it's appropriate to get intimate with someone.
"I have four brain cells left, and at the moment, they seem to be arguing." -- K
Agree with them now, it will save so much time.
Every solution breeds new problems.
The fear of aesthetics is the first symptom of powerlessness. -- Fyodor Dostoevsky, "Crime and Punishment"
Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is good for dandruff. -- Peter de Vries
"I went to New Zealand but it was closed." -- Anonymous
Our love is rice and beans and horses lard. -- Black Francis
If the ends don't justify the means, then what does? -- Robert Moses
Gloffing is a state of mine.
Your fortune stateth: You will gain money by an illegal action.
Sometimes when I drive through the country at night, I see deer crossing the road-a mommma and two babies. I think how sweet the lil babies look...and then i realize that they're really illigitimate children. Poor deers... -- Jack Handey
If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will.
Lord, proect me from your followers! -- Some Button I Saw Once
Truthful, adj.: Dumb and illiterate. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. -- Gore Vidal
Time cuts down all, Both great and small. -- Anonymous
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." -- Winston Bennett
"You slapped my face / Oh but so gently I smiled / At the caress" -- william carlos williams
"Have you ever dated someone because you were too lazy to commit suicide?" -- Judy Tenuta
Ignorance of one's misfortunes is clear gain. -- Euripides
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. -- Susan Ertz
He who dies with the most guestbook entries wins. -- Kathryn Carmony
Happiness lies in our own backyard, but it's probably well hidden by crabgrass. -- Anonymous
It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
"The faith that stands on authority is not faith." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"If my life was nothing but a movie script, I would have written out of the plot already." -- Jennifer Nicholoff
As I would not be a slave, so I would not be a master. This expresses my idea of democracy. -- Abraham Lincoln
Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive. -- Anais Nin
I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly. -- John Denver [I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.]
"Television: chewing gum for the eyes." -- Frank Lloyd Wright
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
The tragedy of life is not that man loses but that he almost wins. -- Heywood Broun
"The world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed." -- Sean O'Casey
Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck. -- Adolfo Guzman
You can fool some of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient.
Danny: "It's just a mouse dammit!" Danielle (on top of her desk sqeauling): "Stop flirting with me; I already have a boyfriend."
A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger. -- Proverbs 15:1
"If English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for them Mexicans." -- Some politician in Texas
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
There is no excellent beauty that hath not some strangeness in the proportion. -- Francis Bacon
Anything that happens, happens. Anything that Anything that It doesn't necessarily do it in chronological order,though. -- Douglas Adams
Lord help my poor soul. -- Edgar Allan Poe
The church must be the critic and guide of the state, and never its tool. -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Your fortune stateth: Don't relax!  It's only your tension that's holding you together.
Art is art. Everything else is everything else. -- Ad Reinhardt
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall. -- David Chambless
"A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation." -- Hector Hugh Munro, "Saki"
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
"Do you know about the Eleventh Commandment? It says, 'Thou shalt not bore God, or he will destroy your universe.'" -- John Lilly
Yeah, if I had a dollar for every time I had a million dollars, I'd have a million dollars. -- Shannon
Schapiro's Explanation: The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's because they use more manure.
The whole art of teaching is only the art of awakening the natural curiosity of young minds for the purpose of satisfying it afterwards. -- Anatole France
He says that behind my eyes I'm hiding and he tells me I pushed him away that my hearts been hard to find -- Tori
"A person starts to live when he can live outside himself." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
"When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical" -- Jon Carroll
"Despite the high cost of living it remains a popular item." -- Anonymous
It's 1998! [Long pause.] My foot smells like alcohol. -- Mib
"I don't want to live...I want to love first, and live incidentally." -- Zelda Fitzgerald
My manners, abominable at times, can be sweet. As I grew older I became a drunk. Why? Because I like ecstasy of the mind. I'm a wretch. But I love, love. -- Jack Kerouac, "Satori in Paris"
"Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof." -- Ashley Montague
I'ma live my life until the last sin, then resurrect through the birth of my son and live again. -- Tragedy Khadafi
Your fortune stateth: Bridge ahead.  Pay troll.
"Isn't it ironic -- if I were to take a leak right here, they'd slap the cuffs on me and take me to jail, but if I wade out ten more feet it becomes perfectly acceptable." -- Ron, at the beach.
"Change is inevitable in a progressive country. Change is constant." -- Benjamin Disraeli
The fantasy which serves as a support for the figure of the Stalinist Communist is therefore exactly the same as the fantasy which is at work in the Tom and Jerry cartoons. -- Slavoj Zizek
Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the proposal.
Reality can be beaten with enough imagination. -- Anonymous
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
Our English teacher was trying to start class, but a few people were still talking to friends.... Teacher: "Emma! Did you want to share that with the rest of us?" Emma: "I didn't say anything!.... I was talking!"
Hell... It's only my mother-in-law. -- Kevin, upon using his Caller Id for the first time.
Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it. -- Russell Baker
"If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to?" -- Bette Midler - US actress.
Your fortune stateth: You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
"Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missle sighted, target Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept."
"When having my portrait painted I don't want justice, I want mercy." -- Billy Hughes
"A happy kind of terror." -- Julie clarifying the feeling experienced by Jen while Jen's Mom was driving.
First Law of Procrastination: Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed the deadline).
"Don't confuse the water with the pump." -- Tom Wolfe
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
I never did home work after school. I did all things I thought were cool. I went out every friday night. I still do and I'm alright. -- Mxpx
"I must be getting old, I understood what Bob Dylan was saying." -- Jimmy
You can't learn techniques and then try to become a painter. Techniques are a result. -- Jackson Pollock
Beauty, of whatever kind, invariably excites the human soul to tears. -- Edgar Allan Poe
"A monkey's face is a barometer to his health." -- Mr. Grote
The only side effect to the drug is that I can hardly fit my balls in my pants! -- Bart
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have for instance." -- Franklin P. Jones
Your fortune stateth: Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
Jimmy: "I'm too drunk to drive." Mike: "I am too." Jimmy: "Rock paper scissors; loser drives."
I have a hammer! I can put things together! I can knock things apart! I can alter my environment at will and make an incredible din all the while! Ah, it's great to be male! -- Calvin
In order to write a book, it is necessary to sit down (or stand up) and write. Therein lies the difficulty. -- Edward Abbey
Bulls make money. Bears make money. Pigs get slaughtered. -- Anonymous
Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts. -- Plotinus
"WARNING: prosecuters will be violated." -- Rhonda R., being even funnier than she intended.
Irrationally held truths may be more harmful than reasoned errors. -- Thomas Henry Huxley
Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give -- which is everything. -- Anonymous
IMMODEST, adj. Having a strong sense of one's own merit, coupled with a feeble conception of worth in others. -- Ambrose Bierce
In solitude, where we are least alone -- Lord Byron
If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with green, baggy skin.
I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love. -- Mother Teresa
Who is this God person anyway? -- Douglas Adams
STORY, n. A narrative, commonly untrue. -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911
"Wouldn't it be, um, cool if like, your eyes could zoom in on things, like that guy whose eyes can zoom in on things?" -- Aaron S
The turkey sandwich is on the roof! -- Emily
Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope. -- Josh Billings
You go to your TV to turn your brain off. You go to the computer when you want to turn your brain on. -- Steve Jobs
"Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right." -- Terry Pratchett
"It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets." -- Voltaire
Dare to be naive. -- Buckminster Fuller
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is at all comprehensible. -- Albert Einstein
Your fortune stateth: You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.
"Lauyrn, sometimes I wish I could just transfer my brain into your head." -- After I told my friend Lauryn something and she couldn't "get it".
"Most people want security in this world, not liberty." -- H.L. Mencken
How to defeat terrorism? Don't be terrorized. Don't let fear rule your life. Even if you are scared. -- Salman Rushdie
"I don't know you and I don't remember you but I heard about you. Go away." -- Helen, the night after a party, to a guy she made out with on the kitchem table.
A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
The sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick. [so say said sentence sextuply...]
Ingrate, n.: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion.
We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have. -- Frederick Koenig
In the end we will conserve only what we love; we will love only what we understand; and we will understand only what we have been taught. -- Baba Dioum
"The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President; hijacking an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector." -- Knight Ridder News Service dispatch
The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development: To determine how long it will take to write and debug a program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and convert to the next higher units.
"I guess we could just talk to each other, face to face." -- boy to a girl, when there were no computers to sit at and chat on.
Does it mean this, does it mean that, that's all anybody wants to know. Fuck them, darling. I say what any decent poet would say if you dared ask him to analyse his work: If you see it, dear, then it's there. -- Freddie Mercury
"In Cyberspace, the 1st Amendment is a local ordinance." -- John Perry Barlow
All is well that ends well. -- John Heywood
I have great faith in fools; my friends call it self-confidence. -- Edgar Allan Poe
It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately.
"Living in New York City gives people real incentives to want things that nobody else wants." -- Andy Warhol
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. -- Buddy Shirt.
Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, courage to change the things i can, and wisdom to know the difference -- Anonymous
A dorm is a room, rather a cave, and with caves come suspense, and like the dawning of the daylight, a new cave is wet. -- Simon Rattner, 1964
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said, 'No, I made a few mistakes.'" -- Steven Wright
Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities -- Voltaire
EMOTION IS DEAD!! LOVE IS GAY!! And EMO bands are just singing about Eating More Oreos!! -- Hunter Hall
"Read the best books first, or you may not have a chance to read them all." -- Henry David Thoreau
Heroes have an infinite capacity for stupidity. Thus are legends born! -- Anonymous
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone.
Oh, they've got little... things... full of... stuff. -- Paul
Jeder macht eine kleine Dummheit (everyone makes a little dumbness) -- William S. Burroughs
The awful thing is that beauty is mysterious as well as terrible. God and the devil are fighting there and the battlefield is the heart of man. -- Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoyevsky
"When will the rhetorical questions all END?!" -- Courtney
If compression is the first grace of style, you have it. -- Marianne Moore (to a snail)
Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation?
"Of course I'm over Matt - just let me put these binoculars down." -- my friend, Gabi, who lives next door to Matt
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid. -- George Bernard Shaw
MACHINATION, n. The method employed by one's opponents in baffling one's open and honorable efforts to do the right thing. -- Ambrose Bierce
O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law: "Murphy was an optimist."
I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. They're sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.
When we are at the end of life, to die means to go away; when we are at the beginning, to go away means to die. -- Victor Hugo, "Les Miserables"
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
How is it that little children are so intelligent and men so stupid? It must be education that does it. -- Alexandre Dumas fils
Be glad you had the moment -- Steve Shagen
The artist can truly understand surface forms only by knowing their underlying structures; their form and behavior under tension, stress, and activity. In a sense, the why of what is. -- Ian Mack
Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so get used to it.
See, if you lived in a country where no one was named Stephanie, you could name your son Stephanie. -- Kim
And he kissed her and kissed her and kissed her, little by little by little. -- Gregory Maguire
"But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable computers?"
Hey! I need you to hand me that cat right now! -- Karen
"Why would you eat something that walked around all day clucking? I mean, that just isn't smart food." -- Louisa, a vegetarian, at a high school lunch table.
PLAN, v.t. To bother about the best method of accomplishing an accidental result. -- Ambrose Bierce
"Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything." -- Fred Allen
"I am on the right wing of the middle of the road and with strong radical bias." -- Tony Benn
"I think God forgot to turn up the thermostat." -- Jen
Your fortune stateth: Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
Bart, you're just like Chilly, the elf who cannot love. -- Lisa
I'm just a faded negative of the image i used to be. -- Greg Graffin
The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble.
If your library is not 'unsafe', it probably isn't doing its job. -- John Berry, "Iii, Library Journal, October 1999"
Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do. -- Dr. Benjamin Spock, American pediatrician, address to new parents
"Always look to the fences. That's where they accumulate." -- Jeff F., referring to leaves in the fall.
See, I can stand having just one bottle of cereal, but ... -- Sue, forgetting which type of container breakfast products typically come in....
"I totally couldn't see her face, you know, because I'm as blind as a.... blind thing." -- Sarah G.
Quick! put your underwear on before my mom sees you! -- I directed this to Daniel after drying his clothes when he jumped in my pool in a mid-February freeze.
There is no such thing as beauty, especially in the human face. So many women that I'm told are beautiful...hell it's like looking at a soup bowl -- Charles Bukowski
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. -- Mae West
"Let's use this glass because it's A) solid and B) normal." -- Laura, choosing a beer glass
After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found on the bench.
Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain
"Venture not to the utmost bounds of even lawful pleasure; the limits of good and evil join." -- Fuller
I'm making a living, yeah. But I could make a living doing lots of thing. It's not like I went to astronaut school and now I'm going to the moon. -- Black Francis
Genius is the infinite capacity for taking pains. -- Jane Hopkins
There is no racial bigotry here. I do not look down on niggers, kikes, wops or greasers. Here, you are all equally worthless. -- Gunnery Sergeant Hartman (R. Lee Ermey), "Full Metal Jacket"
I never say things like that, except for when I do. -- "Uncle" Ben
I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education. -- Wilson Mizner
It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best , you very often get it. -- Somerset Maugham
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? -- Lily Tomlin
J: "Would you notice if a spaceship landed and giant green burritos got out?" S: "I would. I'd chase after them with guacamole!"
"He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it." -- Douglas Adams
LOW-BRED, adj. "Raised" instead of brought up. -- Ambrose Bierce
Peculiar travel suggestions are dancing lessons from God. -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., Cat's Cradle
"Outside every girl there is a fat man trying to get in." -- Katherine Whitehorn - British journalist
"Stay away from that jazz man, Lisa. Nothing personal, I just fear the unfamiliar." -- Marge Simpson
"I need coffee. Every time we start talking about Yoda I just want to go to sleep." -- Jen at work
Let me be clear about this: I don't have a drug problem, I have a police problem. -- Keith Richards
"What time is it?"  "I don't know, it keeps changing."
Talkers are no good doers. -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
Life without love is meaningless and goodness without love is impossible. -- Greg Jurkiewicz, "The Neo-Reconstructionist Manifesto"
Once I saw someone I thought was me, but then I realized she just looked like me. -- Aviry
If you are going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance! -- Anonymous
"To be great is to be misunderstood." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
This book fills a much-needed gap. -- Moses Hadas, book reviewer
"I cannot live without books." -- Thomas Jefferson
Ah yes, yes, once in a while indulge...spree and pee...a look at the girls and a brawl...not too bloody...ring around the rosie...you know...shake the bugs out of the rug. -- Henry Miller
"Television has lifted the manufacture of banality out of the sphere of handicraft and placed it in that of a major industry." -- Nathalie Sarraute
Love is for fools wise enough to take a chance. -- Anonymous
Your fortune stateth: You will triumph over your enemy.
"Let's act like a fetus, and head out" -- shouted by Clancy at the hopital after visiting Dan's newborn son.
"An economic forecaster is like a cross-eyed javelin thrower: they don't win many accuracy contests, but they keep the crowd's attention." -- Anonymous
Christianity has done a great deal for love by making a sin of it -- Anatole France (1844-1924) French Writer. Le Jardin D'Epicure
Todd: "I just deleted AOL, but Netscape won't work." Ian: "Well, do you have an ISP?" Todd: "No. Where can I download one?"
"Juego huevo juegos." -- Ray, translating the sentence "I play egg games."
You can't break eggs without making an omelet.
"America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between." -- Oscar Wilde
"I met a young man who was wounded in love, I met another man who was wounded in hatred." -- Bob Dylan
"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." -- Terry Pratchett
It's like getting pummeled with little tiny eyeballs. -- Rando
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistant one -- Albert Einstein
I have never seen people on pot get in a fight, because it's fucking impossible. -- Bill Hicks
The most important things, each person must do for himself.
I wish i could say i lived near an ocean. i could go there when i wanted and listen and waste more time than i should. watch people and listen. eat shrimp and listen. -- Dustin Vannatter
Physics turns me on! No, correcting physics tests does not turn me on. -- Mr. Bechir Garraoui, high school physics teacher
There is work that is work and there is play that is play; there is play that is work and work that is play. And in only one of these lies happiness. -- Gelett Burgess
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing. -- Dick Brandon
For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked. -- Bill Cosby
A: You know, you owe me a lot money. M: Don't worry, I'll pay you back. A: I thought part of the deal was you helping me get some. [Short Pause] A: Indirectly, of course.
"Our Universe Use License expired. Go home." -- overheard at work
When something is true many words are not necessary. -- A Paralyzed Japanese Painter
"If you speak the truth, have a foot in the stirrup." -- Turkish proverb
Answer the doorbell!! -- Sleepwalking Jes, age 8, pointing at our blinking light-sensitive night light.
The important thing is not to stop questioning. -- Albert Einstein
Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
Nothing can so alienate a voter from the political system as backing a winning candidate. -- Mark B. Cohen
"What you need... is Methyl-ethyl-badstuff..." -- Public Works, Northfield, IL
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it." -- Groucho Marx
"To know all is not to forgive all. It is to despise everybody." -- Quentin Crisp
"Self-respect: the secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious." -- H. L. Mencken
"A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water." -- Sidney Goff
"School is practise for the future, and practise makes perfect and nobodys perfect so why bother" -- Tre Cool
"I remember the day my mother was born...." -- Bonnie
Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender. -- W. C. Fields
The difference between mediocrity and excellence is attention to detail. -- Sebastian J. Barbarito
Art is the most intense mode of invidualism that the world has known. -- Oscar Wilde
Asking an incumbent member of Congress to vote for term limits is a bit like asking a chicken to vote for Colonel Sanders. -- Bob Inglis, 1995
"I don't need an over-the-shoulder boulder-holder, I need an over-the-shoulder ummm... what's something flat?" -- Ellie, after having watched the movie "Beaches", commenting on the Otto Titsling song.
That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
"It's taken me a long time to finally realize that life isn't just some sick television program. And you just know, tomorrow I'll find out it is." -- Emily
Your fortune stateth: Make a wish, it might come true.
I used to get high on life, but I've built up a tolerance.
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
Every time it happens, Seem to act a little touched. In this respect you're just like me. I think we think too much. -- The English Beat
Experience is the worst teacher; it gives the test before presenting the lesson. -- Vernon Law
"Do you remember the first line of 'I feel pretty'?" "I feel pretty ugly" -- my wife
"This is a picture of the British High Command at the beginning of World War I. These aren't evil men -- some of them aren't even stupid." -- G. Dyer
Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time. -- A.E. Houseman
"I have Bright's disease and he has mine." -- S.J. Thomas
It's later than you think.
"A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away." -- Barry Goldwater
I believe the game is designed to reward the ones who hit the hardest. If you can't take it, you shouldn't play -- Jack Lambert
Opium teaches only one thing, which is that aside from physical sufffering, there is nothing real. -- Andre Malraux
"Too bad all the people that know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair." -- George Burns
Conception, my boy, fundamental brain work, is what makes all thedifference in art. -- Dante Gabriel Rosetti
The artist is the child in the popular fable, every one of whose tears was a pearl. -- Heinrich Heine
"Take out a piece of paper and write your name next to it." -- Mr. Wittner
"It is permanent, at least for now." -- Edward
"Chance favors only the prepared mind." -- Louis Pasteur
The individual, man as a man, man as a brain, if you like, interests me more than what he makes, because I've noticed that most artists only repeat themselves. -- Marcel Duchamp
I'll take a Reuben, but please put that on whole wheat, oh and make that cheddar cheese, hold the sauerkraut, and wait, please make that ham. By the way could I have that with ranch.
"However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional manner ... sulking and nausea." -- Tom K. Ryan
If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were. -- Anonymous
"Laughter is the closest distance between two people." -- Victor Borge
Choose the life that is most useful, and habit will make it the most agreeable. -- Francis Bacon
"You don't tell deliberate lies, but sometimes you have to be evasive." -- Margaret Thatcher
Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. -- Anonymous
Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
"Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking." -- H. L. Mencken
It is through art, and through art only, that we can realize our perfection; through art and art only that we can shield ourselves from the sordid perils of actual existence. -- Oscar Wilde
"I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat." -- Michael McShane
"He hadn't a single redeeming vice." -- Oscar Wilde
-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries of small, green bryophytic plant.
Blair: Oh, I think we should take pictures of us! Melissa: No. Uh-uh. Blair: Yeah, c'mon. We look hilarious. Melissa: No. I don't want my friends to know how easy it is for me to look like a man.
"TO HELL WITH YOU OFFENSIVE LETTER FOLLOWS" -- Anonymous telegram to Sir Alec Douglas
"There could be 10 Sigma Chi dudes and a single cup of beer, and Scott would go over there with the eleventh straw in no time flat." -- Big Sean
Do sharks step back, if sharks could step, at the end of their day and reflect on their sharkness? -- Jeff
...people in every direction... no words exchanged, no time to exchange them, and all the little ants are marching... -- Dmb
Your fortune stateth: All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
Your fortune stateth: You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
"I think it would be totally inappropriate for me to even contemplate what I am thinking about." -- Don Mazankowski
Laughter is the shortest distance between two people. -- Victor Borge
"A woman who thinks she is intelligent demands the same rights as man. An intelligent woman gives up." -- Sidonie Gabrielle Colette
Predestination was doomed from the start.
"I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes." -- W.C. Fields - during his last illness
"What an ass am I!" -- Hamlet
The beauty of life, is that you don't have to be modernly beautiful to live it. -- C.S. Lewis
Man's inhumanity towards another man its man's insanity and ignorance again and now the time had come to stop whats going on the hatred's building up, exploding like a bomb -- Suicide Machines
"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it (your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage." -- English Professor, Providence College
At the end of the game, the pawn and the king go back in the same box. -- Italian Proverb
Young girls are the biological equivalent of "new car smell." -- Tom Robbins
I want a Magic 9-ball. -- Matthew
"Real Men are NOT afraid to say: 'Fuck OFF, you're Not my type.'" -- Drieux
Polymer physicists are into chains.
It's better to burn out than to fade away.
We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty. -- Douglas Adams
"Imminent Death of the Net Predicted. GIFs at 11." -- Carl Rigney
Ordering dinner at Denny's: Jen: "Can I get a French Dip?" Paul B: "Bon jour! Uh Hyuh!"
The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best". -- H. Allen Smith
"Civilization is a limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities." -- Mark Twain
"If we see the light at the end of the tunnel it is the light of an oncoming train." -- Robert Lowell - US poet
Man is fond of counting his troubles but he does not count his joys. If he counted them up as he ought to, he would see that every lot has enough happiness provided for it. -- Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoyevsky
Stult's Report: Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is fight the solutions.
Happiness is not pleasure, it's victory. -- Anonymous
"I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up." -- Mark Twain
I've never found a companion as companionable as solitude. -- Henry David Thoreau
The three laws of thermodynamics: The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it. The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero.
You know, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help. -- Calvin
Freedom is not a reward or a decoration that is celebrated with champagne...Oh no! It's a...long distance race, quite solitary and very exhausting. -- Albert Camus
"Work is the refuge of people who have nothing better to do." -- Oscar Wilde
I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers. -- Titus Lucretius Carus
Your fortune stateth: You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
Your fortune stateth: You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
There is no need to try to bring about anarchy; if a government is truly flawed it will destroy itself in due time. -- Philip Musial
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. -- Albert Einstein
"Nobody wins a tequila drink-off." -- A very wise friend of Phil's
It is strange that we do not temper our resentment of criticism with a thought for our many faults which have escaped us. -- Anonymous
Dentist, n.: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins out of one's pockets. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"Yogi Bear totally rocked in the beginning! Then the 70's happened and the whole thing went to hell in a hurry...he went from stealing picnic baskets to going to the disco n' s***." -- "Uncle" Ben
Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist. -- Michael Levine, Lessons at the Halfway Point
I regret that I have but one life to give for my country. -- Nathan Hale
"Oh well, I've just given birth to an idiot." -- Jason Luck, about his hypothetical child's hypothetical failure to pass a standardized test
"The government of the United States is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion." -- George Washington
Boy! Eucalyptus!
"Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever." -- Napoleon Bonaparte
Itfss schtuck! -- Gordon, after shoving a tennis ball in his mouth, again.
Whistler's Law: You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
When you are lazy, laziness is a four-letter word, because you stop at the 'i'. -- Billy Dunn
Does nobody understand? -- James Joyce
Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
Art is like a shipwreck .. it's everyman for himself. -- Marcel Duchamp
Does anal retentive have a hyphen? -- Seen on a t-shirt
While watching Captain Ron with Robert and Sue: Jimmy: "This is the movie that made me decide to quit my job and go sailing." Robert: "Did you sue?"
Good. Bad. I'm the one with the gun. -- Army Of Darkness
Dancing is the only art of which we ourselves are the stuff -- Rahel Varnhagen
It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. -- Aristotle
"Strip away the phony tinsel of Hollywood and you find the real tinsel underneath." -- Oscar Levant
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee and just as hard to sleep after. -- Anne Morrow Lindbergh
I'm glad I was not born before tea. -- Sidney Smith (1771-1845)
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
"That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all."
You just gotta do the best you can everyday at 5:30. -- Edgar
When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff. -- Chinese proverb
"If you want attention, just raise your hand." -- Timothy
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Stare. It's the way to educate your eyes. Stare, pry, listen, eavesdrop. Die knowing something. You are not here long. -- Walker Evans
To love yourself is the beginning of a lifelong affair! -- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband"
Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
"George Washington's brother was the Uncle of Our Country." -- 7-year-old Ryan
There are painters who transform the sun to a yellow spot, but there are others who with the help of their art and their intelligence, transform a yellow spot into sun. -- Pablo Picasso
He thought he saw an albatross That fluttered 'round the lamp. He looked again and saw it was A penny postage stamp. "You'd best be getting home," he said, "The nights are rather damp."
Customer: I've been in business for 10 years and I know machines don't just break. Me: Well, I guess I'm in the wrong business then. -- when working in an electronics repair shop.
Integrity without knowledge is weak and useless, and knowledge without integrity is dangerous and dreadful. -- Samuel Johnson
IMMIGRANT, n. An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another. -- Ambrose Bierce
The sooner I fall behind, the more time I have to catch up. -- Anonymous
Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
"The pyramid is opening!" "Which one?" "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish. -- Aeschylus
A sympathetic heart is like a spring of pure water bursting forth from the mountain side. -- Anonymous
Automobile, n.: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. -- Arabian proverb
"It's easier said than done." ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than done".
It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged.
"I'll whack you with the trout! I swear to god!" -- Tyro
"Grub first, then ethics." -- Bertolt Brecht
Mortimer is a crossdressing bull. Do you find a problem with that? -- Myself to friend Becky, who had just pointed out that all cows are female, so I couldn't have a stuffed cow who was a guy. Then it would be a bull.
"I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you and education." -- Wilson Mizner
"There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone." -- Gloria Steinem
Sleep is the interest we have to pay on the capital which is called in at death; and the higher the rate of interest and the more regularly it is paid, the further the date of redemption is postponed. -- Arthur Schopenhauer
If all be true that I do think, There be Five Reasons why one should Drink; Good friends, good wine, or being dry, Or lest we should be by-and-by, Or any other reason why.
Your fortune stateth: You need more time; and you probably always will.
Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way.
MONARCHICAL GOVERNMENT, n. Government. -- Ambrose Bierce
Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote. -- George Jean Nathan
"Every time I paint a portrait, I lose a friend." -- John Singer Sargent - US Portrait Painter.
"There were times when I'd vomit in fluorescent colors to this, but now I respect it as a torture device." -- Jason Holliman, talking about the Spice Girls song "Wannabe".
Pat: Have you ever talked on the phone? Terra: What? I'm talking to you now. Pat: Oh. -- Pat and Terra, on the phone. He meant to ask if I had ever talked on the phone while I was in the bathroom. Oops!
"We're heading for oblibion!" -- Michael Connor
I still believe in liberalism today as much as I ever did, but, oh, there was a happy time when I believed in liberals... -- G. K. Chesterton
At the Bill of Rights subrtact the wrongs, theres no answer. Memorize and sing star spangled songs. -- No F-X
He who is not contented with what he has, will not be contented with what he doesn't have. -- Socrates
The sheep died in the wool.
Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror, -- Kahlil Gibran
It is terrible and unbearable to an artist to be encouraged to do, to be applauded for doing, his second best. Throughout the world there goes one long cry from the heart of the artist: Give me leave to do my utmost! -- Monsieur Papin, "Babett's Feast"
"...Mirror, mirror where's teh crystal palace?But I only can see myself skating around the truth who I am, but I know...the ice is getting thin" -- Tori
Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"Thirty Millions, mostly fools." -- Thomas Carlyle - Scottish historian - when asked what the population of England was. 
We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. -- Decca Recording Company, rejecting the Beatles, 1962
Let us read and let us dance--two amusements that will never do any harm to the world. -- Voltaire
Experience teaches slowly and at the cost of mistakes. -- James A. Froude
Die, v.: To stop sinning suddenly. -- Elbert Hubbard
Many a person seems to think it isn't enough for the government to guarantee him the pursuit of happiness. He insists it also run interference for him. -- Anonymous
Judging from picture books, apparently heaven is a partly cloudy place. -- Rilo Kiley, "Don't Deconstrust"
"Think it'll come out in the wash?" -- My friend refering to a three-year-old sticker that he had taken off his wall and taped onto his shirt.
Music that does not SURGE is not great music. -- Carl Ruggles
Research is the art of seeing what everyone else has seen, and doing what no-one else has done. -- Anonymous
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking. -- Jerome Lettvin
Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued ... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976. -- excerpt from a letter, Illinois Department of Public Aid
By the year 2050, I do not know what language we will be speaking in the United States, but it will be called English and will sound alot like Spanish. -- Mark A. Trevino
It takes a lot of time to be a genius, you have to sit around so much doing nothing, really doing nothing. -- Gertrude Stein
"I shot you right between the nose!" -- Justin, a former friend of Ellie's brother.
"Hug the box nice!" -- Jen to Paul, while he was trying to squeeze a box shut.
"Trevor! Don't bite that man's pee-pee!" -- Trevor's Dad
"Nothing is so aggravating as calmness." -- Oscar Wilde
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. --Oscar Wilde
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. -- Oscar Wilde
I have been a stranger in a strange land. -- Bible, Exodus 2:22
Objection is when I say: this doesn't suit me. Resistance is when I make sure that what doesn't suit me never happens again -- Ulrike Meinhof
Here's to you and here's to me, and I hope we never disagree. But, if that should ever be, to HELL with you, here's to ME! -- Anonymous
"I didn't vote for Yoda." -- Jen
"I see the freaking elephant!" -- Cheryl
...And i'm feeling hurt, and I'v fought back some tears of my own. But there's something to be said for those who face the darkness alone... -- Good Riddance
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
"There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it." -- George Bernard Shaw
"Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage." -- anonymous
"This is how I know it's time to buy a new CD." -- Phil, after staring sadly at his music collection for five minutes, unable to make a choice.
"Pleasure is nature's test, her sign of approval." -- Oscar Wilde
I go by many names, under many skies, doing many things, yet am always at the same place. I eat up its power, reveling in anguish. I love, I lie, I am only a human. This is my life, no trespassing. Please. -- The Lord Greycloak
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
First I saw the mountains in the painting; then I saw the painting in the mountains. -- Chinese Proverb
"Believe me! The secret of reaping the greatest fruitfulness and the greatest enjoyment from life is to live dangerously!" -- Nietzsche
Lauryn: So are we going to the zoo? Crystal: Yup probably. Lauryn: I heard they have cool animals there.
But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. -- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
Beware you be not swallowed up in books! An ounce of love is worth a pound of knowledge. -- John Wesley
ABSURDITY, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. -- Ambrose Bierce
Nothing happens unless first a dream. -- Carl Sandburg
Life is ours to be spent, not to be saved. -- D.H. Lawrence
This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go.
Nothing succeeds like -- failure. -- Anonymous
Do not underestimate the power of the Force.
If it has syntax, it isn't user friendly.
Don't be humble, you're not that great. -- Golda Meir
Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods. -- Albert Einstein
There are three kinds of death in this world. There's heart death, there's brain death, and there's being off the network. -- Guy Almes
To travel hopefully is a better thing than to arrive, and the true success is to labour. -- Robert L. Stevenson
The proper school to learn art is not life but art -- Oscar Wilde
Your fortune stateth: You feel a whole lot more like you do now than you did when you used to.
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're ok, you're it.
-- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
Your fortune stateth: Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
"It went in, but it won't come out." -- Kathy, in her attempt to buy cheap jewelry from gum machines.
"Unless there's blood, gore, or snot, you people don't seem to able to pay attention" -- Overheard outside an English class in progress
Garbage In -- Gospel Out.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -- Mark Twain
"I think I'm allergic to Thursday." -- Ellie
"1947... 1794... What's the difference?" -- Joe Ely Carrales, III, responding to a football player's statement of the date of the founding of the U.S. Air Force
Painting is not for me either decorative amusement, or the plastic invention of felt reality; it must be every time: invention, discovery, revelation. -- Max Ernst
"The most dangerous strategy is to jump a chasm in two leaps." -- Benjamin Disraeli
"WET PAINT (this is not an instruction)" -- a note on a subway wall
"I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable to sit still in a room." -- Blaise Pascal
If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing? -- Jack Handey
"Shuck!" "Just one?" -- Paul B.
"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist---" -- John B. Sedgwick, general, dying words, 1864
"This is exactly what my parents are afraid I'm doing in college.... Doing a bunch of drugs with a group of queer guys." -- Jimmy
Everyone believes very easily whatever they fear or desire. -- Jean de La Fontaine
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness." -- Dave Barry
In a decaying society, art, if it is truthful, must also reflect decay. And unless it wants to break faith with its social function, art must show the world as changeable. And help to change it. -- Ernst Fischer
He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts--for support rather than for illumination. -- Andre Lang
By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.
This toe, "Ow!, it hurts", but the other toe, "Not a Sausage". -- Philip Savage, contemplating the difference between an infected toe and a healthy one.
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. -- Albert Einstein
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
If there is no wind, row. -- Polish proverb
"We of Texas never recognized to existence of Alaska." -- Joe Ely Carrales, III
"If you do not show me your armpit, I will flip you off!" -- My Russian friend Masha, showing off her new English vocab.
For the most part, when you're alone, Spaniels tend to be the best people on Earth. OK, maybe only in Oregon, where they don't mind the rain. -- byl.
What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love. -- Albert Einstein
"Here, here's some cocoa. Can I have the CD-ROM now?" -- Jen
"This island is almost made of coal and surrounded by fish. Only an organizing genius could produce a shortage of coal and fish in Great Britain at the same time." -- Aneunin Bevan - British Labour Politician. Speech May 18, 1945.
The wit of a graduate student is like champagne. Canadian champagne. -- Robertson Davies
Is there a major gas leak in here? If this place blows up in a few minutes, I called it. -- Matthew
Speak low, if you speak love -- Much Ado About Nothing, Ii, I, 104.
Older men declare war. But its the youth who must fight and die! -- Herbert Hoover
"Women would rather be right than reasonable." -- Ogden Nash
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde
"I flip my quarter and I get a 6." -- Erica, a little bit wasted
"We were nearly one of the last to realize that in the age of information science the most expensive asset is knowledge." -- Mikhail Gorbachev
I think guns do kill people, though I suspect hate-mongering white supremacist groups that trade in fear and ignorance have something to do with it as well. -- Peter Hyman
"The things I want to know are in books; my best friend is the man who'll get me a book I ain't read." -- Abraham Lincoln
"All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
I wont back down or appoligize, i wont say that i'm sorry, i wont bend to your rule, i wont say that you're right. -- Future Garbagemen Of America
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people. -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
"We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police." -- Jeff Marder
"Smithers theres a rocket in my pocket" -- Mr Burns
-- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Farenheit.
They walk backwards to walk forwards. -- Devon, about historians.
Your fortune stateth: Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments.
The only constant is change.
"The difference between literature and journalism is that journalism is unreadable and literature is not read." -- Oscar Wilde
"We sleep when we stop thinking or caring if we live or die." -- Ethan Pfenning
Well that's just typical! Five minutes before the most important party of my life, and half the house is destroyed by a gigantic sandwich! -- Rick
It would not be better if things happened to men just as they wish. -- Heraclitus
If the grass is greener on other side of fence, consider what may be fertilizing it.
"Just a minute, I can't hear you. I have to put on my glasses." -- Ruth Hovick
"Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success." -- Christopher Lasch
Meester, do you vant to buy a duck?
There seems no plan because it is all plan. -- C.S. Lewis
CONVENT, n. A place of retirement for woman who wish for leisure to meditate upon the vice of idleness. -- Ambrose Bierce
He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope of ever behaving "normally." -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock. -- John Barrymore
Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it. -- Mark Twain
History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon. -- Napoleon Bonaparte
"Be quiet or I'll whap you with the wooden ritual rattle!" -- Ellie
One of the oldest human needs is to have someone to wonder where you are when you don't come home at night. -- Margaret Mead
There is a fountain of youth: it is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of people you love. When you learn to tap this source, you will truly have defeated age. -- Sophia Loren
ACCUSE, v.t. To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a justification of ourselves for having wronged him. -- Ambrose Bierce
"One who contends with immortals lives a very short life." -- Homer
I live now on borrowed time, waiting in the anteroom for the summons that will inevitably come. And then - I go on to the next thing, whatever it is. One doesn't luckily have to bother about that. -- Agatha Christie, "An Autobiography"
It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world.
"You can catch more rolling stones with honey than you can with moss." -- S. Candice Campbell of Tulsa, Oklahoma
"I am two with nature." -- Woody Allen
"We have reached our cruising altitude of three feet, and I expect a smooth flight all the way into New Orleans." -- Greyhound Bus driver
Don't try to drive the homeless into places we find suitable. Help them survive in places they find suitable. -- Daniel Quinn
"Woe to him inside a nonconformist clique who does not conform with nonconformity." -- Eric Hoffer
"The discipline of desire is the background of character." -- John Locke
How to Raise your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children -- Lewis B. Frumkes (Book Title)
I must follow the people. Am I not their leader? -- Benjamin Disraeli
My words fly up, my thoughts remain below: Words without thoughts never to heaven go. -- Shakespeare
It is a good thing to be rich and a good thing to be strong, but it is a better thing to be loved by many friends. -- Euripides
God and a soldier all people adore In time of war, but not before; And when war is over and all things are righted, God is neglected and an old soldier slighted. -- Anonymous
Rotten wood cannot be carved. -- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9
He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over.
The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. -- George Bernard Shaw
Stop me, before I kill again!
Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain.
"Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned." -- Milton Friedman
We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report. -- Louis Nel, Deputy Minister of Information, South Africa
Life dies inside a person when there are no others willing to be-friend him. He thus gets filled with emptiness and a non-existent sense of self-worth. -- Mark R. J. Lavoie
"Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder... and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn." -- N.V. Plyter
"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
Your fortune stateth: You'll be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people.
Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed: "They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men and a virgin in the whole organization."
Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
Huh?
You don't have to suffer to be a poet; adolescence is enough suffering for anyone. -- John Ciardi
"I'm pretty sure it's your inability to hit the ball that makes you keep missing." -- Some kid's little-league coach
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. -- Hector Louis Berlioz
People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it. -- Ogden Nash
You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses. -- Ziggy, character in comic strip by Tom Wilson
Crime does not pay ... as well as politics. -- A. E. Newman
There is one thing even more vital to science than intelligent methods; and that is, the sincere desire to find out the truth, whatever it may be. -- Charles Sanders Pierce
Boren's Laws: (1) When in charge, ponder. (2) When in trouble, delegate. (3) When in doubt, mumble.
Rabbits clinkity, clinkity, clink. Hello Mr. Zebra can i have your sweater cause its cold cold cold in my hole hole hole. -- Guess Who
To see a World in a grain of sand, And a Heaven in a wild flower, Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand, And Eternity in an hour -- William Blake
"Oops, I forgot it was your hand!" -- Elena as she stabs her friend's hand
[Art] is about as outrageous and murderous an act a person can do short of really doing one physically. -- Stephen Wright
"For what a man would like to to be true, that he more readily believes." -- Francis Bacon
"The Net interprets censorship as damage and routes around it." -- John Gilmore
"For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong." -- H. L. Mencken
To explain away the mystery of a great painting-- if such a feat were possible-- would be irreparable harm. . . . If there is no mystery then there is no 'poetry'. -- Georges Braque
Steve: You couldn't do that because mine would be solid. Ellie: It would have a bottom? Eek!
Go 'way! You're bothering me!
"This is Usenet. We're all masturbating in public places." -- Dawn
"Ioooooooooooooo!" -- Travis Budd, when asked to read "1,000,000".
Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within.
Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit. -- Proverbs, 26:5
"I was watching this movie and it sounded that you were speaking another language." -- Roxie
A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
If people get tired of worshiping all those futile-seeming religions about "good" and "bad", they should worship entropy. -- Paul
"Creativity is allowing oneself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep." -- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle
Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
Everything is but a dream within a dream." -- Edgar Allen Poe
"Matt, I hope you're prepared, boy!!" -- note written to a student by my government teacher before a test.
"I meant," said Iplsore bitterly, "what is there in this world that makes living worthwhile?" Death thought about it. "CATS", he said eventually, "CATS ARE NICE." -- Terry Pratchett
Alex: Okay, man, well I'll see you later... Chris: Okay, but my name's not Manuel.
This is the fourth? -- Thomas Jefferson, dying words
And in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make. -- The Beatles, The last lyric of their last song
One is not born a genius, one becomes a genius. -- Simone de Beauvoir
Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves. -- Thomas Carlyle
I tried calling Gambler's Anonymous, but they only gave me two to one that I would recover. -- Overheard by Ed and Val at a craps table in Reno, NV.
Our judgments judge us, and nothing reveals us, exposes our weaknesses, more ingeniously than the attitude of pronouncing upon our fellows. -- Paul Valery
Join the army, meet interesting people, kill them -- Graffiti At Bromley
"Earaches make me happy!" -- Kristen
The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. -- Emerson
Art completes what nature cannot bring to finish -- Aristotle
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
RESOLUTE, adj. Obstinate in a course that we approve. -- Ambrose Bierce
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary for that purpose to keep awake all day. -- Nietzsche
"You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit." -- E.A. Gilliam
Your fortune stateth: Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
Given sufficient time, what you put off doing today will get done by itself.
The thing you learn is that popular music is easy. The song will play itself. So all you need to do is make it sing a little, make it human, and not fuck it up. -- Lou Reed
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his. -- General George Patton
Identify your visitor.
"If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words." -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile.
Your fortune stateth: Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.
"As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
"Imagine the Creator as a low comedian, and at once the world becomes explicable." -- Henry Louis Mencken
No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness. -- Aristotle
Death and damnation, I can dissociate from everything else but my own self; I can't even forget myself when I am asleep. -- Soren Kierkegaard, "The Diary of Soren Kierkegaard"
"Happiness is not something you experience, it's something you remember." -- Oscar Levant
RECONCILIATION, n. A suspension of hostilities. An armed truce for the purpose of digging up the dead. -- Ambrose Bierce
You... kiddie cocktail drinking pie eater! -- in honor of Dennis, Blake, Aaron, and Chris
"It gets late early out there." -- Yogi Berra
La solitude est une drogue, ou nos sens sens nous piquent et ou notre conscience nous l'injecte. -- Gaetan Bourgeat
America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. -- John O'Hara
Sometimes when I consider what tremendous consequences come from little things - I am tempted to think there are no little things. -- Bruce Barton
I used to have a drug problem but now I make enough money. -- David Lee Roth
One learns by doing a thing; for though you think you know it, you have no certainty until you try. -- Sophocles
And life is what we make it. Always has been, always will be. -- Grandma Moses
"Unrequited like sucks almost as much as unrequited love." -- Jen
"Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught." -- Oscar Wilde
Mythology, n.: The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
The closest I've ever come to saying "no" is "Not now, we're landing." -- Sam Malone, character played by Ted Danson on Cheers, U.S. television show, in respsonse to Diane telling him to say "no" to her friend's alleged sexual advances.
Always the girl that jumps out of the cake, never the bride. -- Marj Klugerman
"Whatever women do they must do it twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult." -- Charlotte Whitton
Your fortune stateth: Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
(Redneck man to group of young men sitting in a Denny's in the middle of the night): "You boys registered for the draft?" Aaron Hemmings (one of the young men): "Uh, I like beer."
Your fortune stateth: Accent on helpful side of your nature.  Drain the moat.
Your fortune stateth: Zeus gave Leda the bird.
Dime is money.
So, she's a dog. -- Peter Venkman
If you think there are no new frontiers, watch a boy ring the front doorbell on his first date. -- Olin Miller
Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache. -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
Frisbeetarianism, n.: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and gets stuck.
The rainy days a man saves for usually seem to arrive during his vacation. -- Anonymous
"If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure?" -- Harry Shearer
"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down." -- George Burns - on aging
How many of you want to wake up in a public bathroom lying in a pool of what you hope is your own filth? -- Strangers With Candy
Teaching is not a lost art, but the regard for it is a losttradition. -- Jacques Barzun
Alana: "Isn't she the one in the news that killed 13 people?" Mark: "No, it was only two! Why does everyone think 13? It's negative publicity!"
"Beware when the great God lets loose a thinker on this planet." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"You be John Smith, I'll be Pocahontas." -- a 3 year-old to her babysitter's boyfriend
"Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance." -- King George V
Rules for driving in New York: 1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. 2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on. 3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the intersection.
Salad is murder. -- Kendra D.
"The nice thing about Windows is- It does not just crash, it displays a dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first." -- Sig of Arno Schaefer
"Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it." -- G.K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday"
"The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense." -- Tom Clancy
"You shouldn't have broken that -- it was a good brick." -- Link to Ed, as they sifted through the rubble of a burned-up house.
The first draft of anything is shit. -- Ernest Hemingway
"There is a ham here and I am stabbing it repeatedly." -- Roxie (while talking on the phone to Aviry)
Those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young. -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero
Were kisses all the joys in bed, one woman would another wed. -- William Shakespeare, "Sonnets to Sundry Notes of Music IV"
"Oh yeah? Well, blah blah blah to you, too. And while you're at it, bite me." -- Jen's brilliant riposte to some moron in a parking lot.
"It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt." -- Mark Twain
It is hotter than the Hinges of He**! -- Kimberly Warzelha, who also says: If you do not get this you are more lost than I am!
Is your job running? You'd better go catch it!
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. -- Thomas Edison
Idleness is the holiday of fools.
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
One eye sees, the other feels. -- Paul Klee
In an artist's life, death is perhaps not the most difficult thing. -- Vincent van Gogh
No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
The purest and most thoughtful minds are those which love colour the most. -- John Ruskin
"The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit longer." -- Henry Kissinger
"Where's the clicky thing?" "You mean the remote?" "No, the clicky thing... for the watchy thing." -- The girl whose name dare not be spoken (a.k.a. Sherry)
"This is outrage on a stick, man." -- Colin D., while a bunch of us were making up crazy palindromes.
Cynic, n.: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
Your fortune stateth: Break into jail and claim police brutality.
Seeing a murder on television can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some. -- Alfred Hitchcock
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." - Jimmy Shubert
"Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!" -- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature")
Aaron: C'mon, flank me! Megan: Flank yourself!
Love is an emotion experienced by the many and enjoyed by the few. -- George Jean Nathan
He who hates vices hates mankind.
A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet. -- Lao Tsu
"You can observe a lot by watching." -- Yogi Berra
Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent. -- Wittgenstein
"History repeats itself; historians repeat each other." -- Philip Guedalla
None of this stuff is real. It's all just little marks on the chalkboard. -- Mr. Borten, physics teacher.
"The release of atom power has changed everything except our way of thinking...the solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind. If only I had known, I should have become a watchmaker." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
"Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put 'Emily, I love you' on the back of the bill." -- Groucho Marx
If you can't love, learn how to flatter. -- Anonymous
Kinney: Dana, is the air conditioner on or is the heater on? Dana: Why, Kinney? Kinney: 'Cause there's some air blowing on me and I wanna know if it's hot or cold!
I don't wanna grow up -- The Descendents
Because a daughter should never have a doll with a better figure than her mother. -- My mother Shalone's response when I asked her why I never had a Barbie as a young girl.
"Wit is educated insolence." -- Aristotle
The United States is like giant boiler. Once the fire is lighted under it, there is no limit to the power it can geberate. -- Winston Churchil
"Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs with the door handles still intact." -- Erma Bombeck
"I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean." -- G. K. Chesterton
RANSOM, n. The purchase of that which neither belongs to the seller, nor can belong to the buyer. The most unprofitable of investments. -- Ambrose Bierce
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
Donna (polishing her nails): Someone told me that if I rub raw garlic on them they'll be stronger. Is that true? Linda: I'm not sure, but it'll keep vampires from biting your nails.
"You've never seen anyone write a letter to future generations on a Kleenex before?" --Ellie, after writing something on a Kleenex due to lack of paper.
"The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy - give one and take ten." -- Mark Twain
Teaching history is like eating ice cream and getting paid for it! -- Professor Richard Van Hall
A true friend stabs you in the front -- Oscar Wilde
I wish God would come down and do my homework. -- Tara
"You're not throwing up and you're not fooling anyone!" -- Hanifo, to her teacher.
Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.
"The trouble is that things *never* get better, they just stay the same, only more so." -- Terry Pratchett, _Eric_
What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow in his footsteps?
"It's not the bullet with your name on it you have to worry about. It's the twenty-thousand-odd other bullets labeled "Occupant"." -- Murphy's laws of combat
Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means for going backwards. -- Aldous Huxley
"Happiness is good health and a bad memory." -- Ingrid Bergman
Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
Boston, n.: Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
None love the bearer of bad news. -- Sophocles
"One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making new discoveries." -- A. A. Milne
If life is just one big movie, who wrote the soundtrack? -- Jason Freston
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear."
"In your heart you know he's right." -- Barry M. Goldwater - US Rep. Politician - Campaign slogan -- His opponents retaliated with "In your guts you know he's nuts!"
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. -- English Professor, Ohio University
Your fortune stateth: Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
A ruffled mind makes a restless pillow. -- Charlotte Bronte
"Whenever you are asked if you can do a job, tell 'em, "Certainly, I can!" Then get busy and find out how to do it." -- Theodore Roosevelt
How untasteful can you get?
For some people, the glass is half empty. For others, the glass is half full. For me, well, I just get the backwash at the bottom. -- Jennifer Lane, having a bad day.
Tang... the breakfast of Champions!! -- Aviry and Roxanne
"A head is a very good invention." -- Emily Blumentritt (age 3), said while repeatedly banging her head into the sofa.
"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped." -- Elbert Green Hubbard
"What do you call a stick?" -- H.R., slaughtering a non-returning boomerang joke.
Ambition makes you look pretty ugly, kicking squealing Gucci little piggy. -- Radiohead
History is more or less bunk. -- Henry Ford
Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists. Johnson's Corollary: Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organization.
The most I ever did for you was to outlive you. But that is much. -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
"I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar." -- Anonymous
Junk is the ultimate commodity, the merchandise is not sold to the consumer- the consumer is sold to the merchandise -- William Burroughs
The basis of shame is not some personal mistake of ours, but the ignominy, the humiliation we feel that we must be what we are without any choice in the matter, and that this humiliation is seen by everyone. -- John Fowles, "The Magus"
Oh yeah? Well, I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean.
My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.
Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past.
Bryan "The friggin' guy won't get off my tail!" Jimmy "How fast are you going?" [pause] Bryan "Ten."
Whoever profits by the crime is guilty of it. -- Anonymous
Alex Haley was adopted!
Anything you say will be distorted and remixed and used against you.
"It's not what you think. It's me with a bra on." -- Shawn McCool
"I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!" -- Paul McCracken
Laundry increases exponentially in the number of children. -- Miriam Robbins
"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." -- Mark Twain
Doing My Part To Piss Off The Religous Reich -- Seen On A Button
"I don't like to drool. I do like to talk with my mouth full. That's my favorite thing." -- Julie
Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing when I was passing through satisfaction. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt. -- Herbert Hoover
"That you, sister. May you be the mother of a bishop." -- Brendan Behan - said to the nun nursing him on his deathbed
I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally.
Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
Rudin's Law: If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it every time.It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both. -- Niccolo Machiavelli, The Prince
The truth is rarely pure and never simple. -- Oscar Wilde
Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something. -- Pancho Villa, dying words
New systems generate new problems.
Why do clocks run clockwise? If a clock ran counterclosewise, technically, by definition, it would still be running clockwise. Likewise, no matter how hot or cold a room is, it is still room temperature. -- Steven Wright
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. -- Mark Twain
Age is a defection of experience. -- Brian Anthony, "Archangels"
(Sherie's roommate was looking in the mirror ) Jimmy: "What are you doing?" Roommate: "Practicing smiling so it doesn't look fake."
You wouldn't know good music if a big dog bit you in the butt. -- Jason, my brilliant English major brother
When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic. -- Steven Wright
"Where's my phone?!" "There IS no phone... are you really asleep, or truly awake?" "No, I swear, I'm awake, now where IS my PHONE???!" "What phone? There is no phone." "Oh... nevermind...I 'm asleep." -- Kelly, talking in her sleep to her roommate.
All men who have achieved great things have been great dreamers. -- Orison Swett Marden
Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different. -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
REPORTER, n. A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words. -- Ambrose Bierce
HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! -- E. E. CUMMINGS
In questions of science the authority of a thousand is not worth the humble reasoning of a single individual. -- Galileo
We need a president who's fluent in at least one language. -- Buck Henry
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts. -- Bertrand Russell
What a strange machine man is! You fill him with bread, wine, fish, and radishes, and out comes sighs, laughter, and dreams. -- Nikos Kazantzakis
Sex is highly overated. -- Matt Rose, talking to girls in Sex Ed.
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts. -- Albert Einstein
"I don't want to be funking with someone else's grossness" -- Kate to Steph while trying on bathing suits
"You can ride with me. I'm over 60." "No you're not. You're 16." -- Overheard at Cedar Point, where you had to be 60" to ride this one ride...
"Of all the sexual aberrations, perhaps the most peculiar is chastity." -- Remy de Gourmont
"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
Even the greatest legs end somewhere. -- Veronika Heckova, age 10
Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. -- Trotsky
I can't grow bangs on my boobs. -- Deborah
"We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later."
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
Vision without action is daydream. Action without vision is nightmare. -- Japanese proverb
"My mother married a very good man ... and she is not at all keen on my doing the same." -- George Bernard Shaw
If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be called research, would it? -- Albert Einstein
"What is the population per capita of Wyoming?" [loooooooong pause] "Uhhhhhh.......One." -- Crystal
"Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat." -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
The eye is the window of the human body through which it feels its way and enjoys the beauty of the world. -- Leonardo Da Vinci
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally. -- A. Lincoln
"Yer order's not ready yet. Why? 'Cause it ain't came in yet!" -- Eddie Underwood
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
PUBLISH, n. In literary affairs, to become the fundamental element in a cone of critics. -- Ambrose Bierce
If the doors of perception were to be cleansed man would see everything as it truly is... Infinite. -- William Blake
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
We would never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world. -- Hellen Keller
We haven't the money, so we've got to think. -- Lord Rutherford
Mexico: where life is cheap, death is rich, and the buzzards are never unhappy -- Edward Abbey
Love is the wisdom of the fool and the folly of the wise. -- Samuel Johnson
DISCUSSION, n. A method of confirming others in their errors. -- Ambrose Bierce
The more the merrier. -- John Heywood
Joyce: How was your Christmas? Me: It was okay, There was one thing that I wanted that I didn't get. Joyce: What was that? Me: Sex. Joyce: I don't think Santa Claus could help you with that one. Me: No, but Mrs. Claus can!
Your fortune stateth: Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." -- Rodney Dangerfield
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half the time. -- E. B. White
Why doesn't dos ever say "Great command or file name"? -- Matt Rose, after receiving a standard DOS error message.
355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation!
"Studying literature at Harvard is like learning about women at the Mayo Clinic." -- Roy Blount, Jr.
"I'm not afraid of dying, I just don't want to be there when it happens." -- Woody Allen
Mene, mene, tekel, upharsen.
Your fortune stateth: Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.
I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. -- Bill Hoest
Maybe I'm a prehistoric monster by being an individual. It's highly likely. All I offer to others is their own individuality. Grab it! -- John Lydon
An eye for an eye only leads to more blindness. -- Margaret Atwood
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. -- Wernher von Braun
Conceit causes more conversation than wit. -- LaRouchefoucauld
Me: I had to kiss your boo-boo. You: Listen here Ma'am, that there is no boo-boo!
"A halo has to fall only a few inches to become a noose." -- Farmers Almanac
Last night you were, unhinged. You were like some desperate, howling demon. You frightened me. <br> ...Do it again. -- Morticia Addams
I want to touch people with my art. I want them to say 'he feels deeply, he feels tenderly. -- Vincent van Gogh
"...and if you don't hear from us, you won't!" -- Sue, after a final job interview. She got the job.
"If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed." -- Albert Einstein
A straight line is the shortest in morals as in mathematics. -- Maria Edgeworth
"You know, if it weren't for the alcohol, beer would be a health food." -- Chuck
Who knew that strawberry milk would be such a lightening rod of controversy? -- Tim Bland
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? A: To stamp out forest fires. Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? A: To stamp out flaming ducks.
Wit, n.: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery ... by leaving it out. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Beware of friends who are false and deceitful.
I hate numbers. In fact, I hate math. -- Math Teacher
Good mescaline comes on slow. The first hour is all waiting, then about halfway through the second hour you start cursing the creep who burned you, because nothing is happening...and then ZANG! -- Hunter S. Thompson
Your fortune stateth: You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity.
"If you'll excuse me a minute, I'm going to have a cup of coffee." -- Broadcast from Apollo 11's LEM, "Eagle", to Johnson Space Center, Houston July 20, 1969, 7:27 P.M.
"It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers have been all over it." -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine.
"You can lead a boy to college but you can't make him think." -- Elbert Hubbard
"They set the bus on fire, so they can't ride until May 1st." -- bus driver
"We all live in the protection of certain cowardices which we call our principles." -- Mark Twain
It is of interest to note that while some dolphins are reported to have learned English -- up to fifty words used in correct context -- no human being has been reported to have learned dolphinese. -- Carl Sagan
Nothing is faster than the speed of light ... To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the light comes on.
Mom, if you leave Dad tomorrow and run off with David Copperfield, I'll disinherit you! -- Karen
"If little else, the brain is an educational toy." -- Tom Robbins
Ever have one of those days when you realize you never wanted to be a responsible adult? -- Steve Schwartz
That's alright, I have a jack. -- Rando
Oh well oh well..so here we stand, but we stand for nothing. My heart calls to me in my sleep, how can I turn to it? 'cuz I'm all locked up in the DARK place.. -- Dmb
Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. -- Adlai Stevenson
Happiness is in the heart, not in the circumstances. -- Anonymous
You don't wanna get laid, man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you gotta talk to 'em. -- Colors
"Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both." -- Samuel Butler
I don't mind doing math homework if I have a good pencil. -- Sarah
"Nice" don't feed the bulldog. -- Charles, when told he was "not nice".
If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever to get a 'fix' of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine. -- Rob Stampfli
Many are called, few are chosen. Fewer still get to do the choosing.
"One planet is all you get."
Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower. -- Albert Camus
Teacher: What part of the word "no" don't you understand? Kyle: The "n" part. -- Kyle, ornery 8 year old
Just because your trained for something doesn't mean your prepared for it. -- Anonymous
I bet the human brain is a kludge. -- Marvin Minsky
The early worm gets the bird.
After trying to smuggle herself thru the airport and destroying a lunch in New Orleans: "Oh, but the bomb was far worse than the burger!" -- Erica
Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into (Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but Americans call him by value.
I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear. -- Woody Allen
"Maternity pay?	Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant." -- Malcolm Smith
"Kids! Bringing about Armageddon can be dangerous. Do not attempt it in your home." -- Terry Pratchett & Neil Gaiman, _Good Omens_
Man is free at the moment he wishes to be. -- Voltaire
So, Lord Helmet, at last we meet again for the first time, for the last time. -- Lone Starr, Spaceballs
The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up at the steam fitters' picnic.
Why do our kids have to show us what gun control is all about? -- Ani Difranco
A clear breeze has no price, the bright moon no owner. -- Song Hun
"The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them." -- William Clayton
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains. -- Winston Churchill
FAMOUS, adj. Conspicuously miserable. -- Ambrose Bierce
To be ignorant of one's ignorance is the malady of the ignorant. -- Amos Bronson Alcolt
"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway." -- Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review
Take this sorrow to thy heart, and make it a part of thee, and it shall nourish thee till thou art strong again. -- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, "Hyperion"
Some for renown, on scraps of learning dote, And think they grow immortal as they quote. -- Edward Young, "Love of Fame"
"The Average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she knows that the average man can see much better than he can think.' -- Ladies' Home Journal
Love comes in at the eye. -- W.B. Yeats
Me: "Run this guy over!" Missy: "I will. Get out of my way, David Bowie!"
It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. -- Andrew Jackson
I feel like I have a hollow leg ... and I want to fill it with candy and ... more candy. -- a very stoned Amber
"Church is only society on earth that exists for the benefit of non-members." -- William Temple
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." -- Charles Duell, Director of U,S, Patent Offive, 1899
"I going to sell books for Amazot Dong Kong on my homepage." -- Julie (she meant Amazon.com)
Listen, my name is already Selma Bouvier Hutz McClure Terwilliger Bouvier. Thats long enough without Nahasapema...whatever. From now on I'm only getting married for love, and maybe once more for money. -- Selma
"Look at my feet. Does it look like they're throbbing with pain?" -- Jess R.
Beauty is the purgation of superfluities -- Michaelangelo
The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
The worst part of valor is indiscretion.
From now on, I'm just going to call you "bullet butt." -- Sara, during the crew team dinner, on Deborah's rowing technique
Please remain calm, it's no use both of us being hysterical at the same time.
"I have Muppet feet!" --Paul B.
We have met the enemy, and he is us. -- Walt Kelly
To me, a painter, if not the most useful, is the least harmful member of our society. -- Man Ray, "Self Portrait"
Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open. -- Thomas Dewar
Doug: "Which way at the fork?" Me: "Left." Doug: (Wiggling the car back & forth at 60 mph) "Which way is left?"
"If you had been a teenager during the 80s, don't you think you would have been on crack? I woulda been." -- Sarah G.
The greatest mistake a man can ever make is to be afraid of making one. -- Elbert Hubbard
"The latest definition of an optimist is one who fills up his crossword puzzle with ink." -- Clement King Shorter - British journalist and critic
"He who drinks a tumbler of London water has literally in his stomach more animated beings than there are men, women, and children on the face of the globe." -- Sydney Smith
"The universe is in our hands. Don't sneeze!" -- Gina Ottenstein, a.k.a hippiechick
"Oh, baby... gimme sensitivity training...." -- Jason Holliman
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. -- Henry Kissinger
If your daily life seems poor, do not blame it; blame yourself, tell yourself that you are not poet enough to call forth its riches. -- Rainer Maria Rilke
I must be learning something, because I feel pretty stupid. -- Nicki
About 'the point' of a marching band routine: Me: So, what's the point of all that? Rachel: The way they explained it to me, we're supposed to be dead. Me: Oh, really? Rachel: It's supposed to be a literary thing.
Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ... -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"The real world is not user-friendly." -- Kelvin Throop III
The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us.
"The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights." -- J.P. Getty
"No affectation of peculiarity can conceal a commonplace mind." -- William Somerset Maugham
If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
David Bowie was much better when he was gay. -- Ginny Lensing
"There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them." -- Werner Karl Heisenberg
Asking politicians to vote themselves out of power is like asking rabbits not to multiply, it ain't natural. -- Bob Beckel, on term limits, CBS This Morning, 3/30/95
There's nothing worse than a wet sock. -- Anne on realizing her socks were soaked with beer
"Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women? That we may love you instead of laughing at you." -- Mrs. Patrick Cambell - to a man
"You can't have sex with the chicken without taking off your pants first." -- Punk pete
The great trouble with most men is that those who have been educated become uneducated just as soon as they stop inquiring and investigating life and its problems for themselves. -- Newton Diehl Baker
May you live in uninteresting times. -- Chinese proverb
Why is it a penny for your thoughts, but you have to put your two cents in? -- Steven Wright
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers. -- T. S. Eliot
I want to die in my sleep like my friend.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. -- Seen on a bumper sticker
"The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream: it is a most depressing and humiliating reality." -- Oscar Wilde
"Any synopsis of a good book is a stupid synopsis." -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
Joe: What is known as the United States' attic? Andy: Massachusetts? Joe: No, the Smithsonian. (Later...) Andy: What was the name of Barbara Walters' first television partner? Joe: Jack Dempsey? -- During a game of Trivial Pursuit at 2 in the morning.
"If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion." -- George Bernard Shaw
"I went to all that work to get him out of his shell, and he really *was* a spineless mollusc!" -- Dame Enid Aurelia
Don't Smoke. Don't Drink. Don't Fuck. -- Minor_threat
"There is no great concurrence between learning and wisdom." -- Francis Bacon
He dont show much these days it's gets so fucking cold I loved his secret places but I cant go anymore. -- Tori
Your fortune stateth: You will gain money by an immoral action.
"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral." -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it. -- Winston Churchill
"Try this at home." -- Astronomy Prof Balbus, about supernovas.
"If love is blind then why are we not equipped with seeing eye dogs?" -- Mary
"I feel more like myself now than I did when I came in." -- Connie
The only difference between saints and sinners is that every saint has a past while every sinner has a future -- Oscar Wilde
Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. -- H. L. Mencken
"Father McLernan is the 'Lord of the High"' -- Steve B., after several inhalations of Father's volatile chemicals in Chemistry.
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. -- Albert Einstein
"Lying to ourselves is more deeply ingrained than lying to others." -- Fyodor Dostoevsky
I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you.
Whosoever is delighted in solitude is either a wild beast or a god. -- Aristotle
"No, the pressure's too great! I can't bite your tongue with it sticking out there like that!" -- Paul
The mystery of love is greater than the mystery of life -- Oscar Wilde
If we do not exepect the unexpected, we will never find it. -- Heraclitus
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" -- Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
"Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm." -- John F. Kennedy
The bottoms of my shoes are clean from walking in the rain -- Kerouac
Your fortune stateth: Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.
Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us, or we find it not. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
What is that you express in your eyes? It seems to me more than all the words I have read in my life. -- Walt Whitman
Govern a family as you would cook a small fish - very gently. -- Chinese Proverb
"These people have served a longer sentence than some people who have committed murder." -- Jeff Greenfield, news analyst, describing the jury in the OJ Simpson murder trial, 1995
Never speak ill of yourself; your friends will always say enough on that subject. -- Anonymous
Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments?
Please try to limit the amount of `this room doesn't have any bazingas' until you are told that those rooms are `punched out.' Once punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such. -- N. Meyrowitz
Caught a light sneeze, dreamed a little dream, built my own pretty hate machine. -- Tori
Your fortune stateth: You enjoy the company of other people.
It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck? One in a million, perhaps.
"Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors." -- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
Knowledge without common sense is folly.
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not make messes in the house. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
"The fantastic advances in the field of communication constitute a greater danger to the privacy of the individual." -- Earl Warren
I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from man.
"And now I've gotta wipe my nose, I'm getting so excited." -- TJ
Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. -- Martin Mull
Nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character -- Calvin
"Experience is not what happens to you, it is what you do with what happens to you." -- Aldous Huxley
"The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader catch his own breath." -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
Question everything. Learn something. Answer nothing. -- Engineer's Motto
Everyone knows im in love with a monosyllabic girl -- Nofx
People need trouble -- a little frustration to sharpen the spirit on, toughen it. Artists do; I don't mean you need to live in a rat hole or gutter, but you have to learn fortitude, endurance. Only vegetables are happy. -- William Faulkner
Mike D.: "You know, I have no ass." Mike S.: "What??" [Bending down to examine other-Mike's posterior] Mike D.: "OK, *technically* I have that portion of the body referred to as an ass."
Standing in the middle of the road is very dangerous; you get knocked down by the traffic from both sides. -- Margaret Thatcher
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. -- Brendon Behan
Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man. Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
I like to tell people I have the heart of a small boy. Then I say it's in a jar on my desk. -- Stephen King
Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an answer.
Nice guys finish last. -- Leo Durocher
All the world's a stage -- don't let yourself be the cue card person! -- Kelli Girl
Fifth Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
Science has not yet taught us if madness is or is not the sublimity of the intelligence. -- Edgar Allan Poe
I passionately hate the idea of being with it, I think an artist has always to be out of step with his time. -- Unknown
Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood by less-advanced life-forms, and they'll call you crazy. -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul
If there's a will, I wanna be in it. -- Jaysen
So what do you call a person who hates bigots, anyway? A bigger bigot? I just don't get it, I guess. -- Jesse J.
"There something about being in a pool of water, it's theraputic... Then again, so is bran, I suppose" -- "Squeeky"
I wonder if they looked at me funny because I made that gross noise, or if it was because I'm a car. -- Karen
If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success.
Menu, n.: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
"Rembrandt painted 700 pictures. Of these, 3,000 are still in existence." -- Wilhelm Bode
Love your life poor as it is. You may Perhaps have some pleasant, thrilling, glorious hours even in a poorhouse. -- Henry David Thoreau
If love is blind, then I'm Helen Keller. -- Kris
"Two electrons in the sigma and none in the p. That's pure gravy." -- Professor David Lemal
"You think you know when you learn, are more sure when you can write, even more when you can teach, but certain when you can program." -- Alan J. Perlis
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere. -- Chinese Proverb
"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation." -- Lily Tomlin
Security check: INTRUDER ALERT!
You see sir; death is an intellectual matter, but dying is pure pain. -- John Steinbeck
I don't know anything about art, but I know what I like. -- Gelett Burgess
Smear the road with a runner!!
"Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents." -- Billiam Coronel
"It's a good thing this guy doesn't work at Boeing." -- Jim, discovering that he got onions on his burrito anyway.
The time to stop talking is when the other person nods his head affirmatively but says nothing. -- Anonymous
Stupid men are the only ones worth knowing, after all. -- Jane Austen, "Pride and Prejudice"
Your fortune stateth: You will forget that you ever knew me.
"My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating." -- Ashleigh Brilliant
Your fortune stateth: You will pay for your sins.  If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
Everything might be different in the present if only one thing had been different in the past.
Anoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
" sometimes i enjoy the idea of a woman with a horse" banky -- Chasing Amy
Devin: "I hate cheerleaders." Jenna: "Oh, they aren't all bad." Devin: "Yeah, not unless they're talking."
Your fortune stateth: Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside. -- Sinbad
"Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless." -- Sinclair Lewis
"The sun never sets on the British empire because Britain is in the east and the sun sets in the west." -- Unknown history student
The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains.The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires. -- William Arthur Ward
Hatred, n.: A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"If a HoHo was a brick of gold, would ya still eat it?" -- Andy
In the staircase of life, Art is the only stair that doesn't creak. -- Tom Robbins
ARDOR, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge. -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911
It is the fate of operating systems to become free. -- Neal Stephenson
On the other hand, we have different fingers. -- Jack Handey
If God does not exist, then everything is permitted. -- Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Devils
"Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself." -- A.H. Weiler
May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift? A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
Little kids draw pictures of the ground, the sky, and space in between. If you ask them what the in-between space is, they say 'that's where we are.' -- Ed McCullough
Usually the team that scores the most points is going to win it. -- John Madden
When in doubt, be vague -- Jenn Book
Instead of building newer and larger weapons of mass destruction, I think mankind should try to get more use out of the ones we have. -- Jack Handey
Unfair animal names: -- tsetse fly -- bullhead -- booby -- duck-billed platypus -- sapsucker -- Clarence -- Gary Larson
Now THAT's stuck between a rock and a pickle! -- Keefer
"Obviously I was either onto something, or on something." -- Larry Wall on the creation of Perl
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx
The map is not the territory, but you can't fold up the territory and put it in your glove compartment.
"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro." -- Hunter S. Thompson
Man who sleep in beer keg wake up sticky.
To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
Give me a child for the first seven years, and you may do what you like with him afterwards. -- Anonymous
One thing you can't recycle is wasted time. -- Anonymous
"The ink of the scholar is more sacred than the blood of the martyr." -- Muhammad
It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ... --- James Dent
Art is coming face to face with yourself. That's what's wrong with Benton. He came face to face with Michelangelo-- and he lost -- Jackson Pollock
OVERWORK, n. A dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries who want to go fishing. -- Ambrose Bierce
"I have my wedding to prepare, my wife to murder, and Guilder to frame for it. I'm swamped." -- Prince Humperdink, _Princess Bride_
The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches. -- A. R. Longworth
Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart." -- e. e. cummings
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
I am convinced that we can do to guns what we've done to drugs: create a multi-billion dollar underground market over which we have absolutely no control. -- George L. Roman
I enjoy the time that we spend together.
Eisenhower was very nice, Nixon was his only vice. -- C. Degen
Kids, you tried your best, and failed miserably... The lesson is, NEVER TRY. -- Homer
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
"It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper." -- Rod Serling
Your fortune stateth: Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. -- Earl Wilson
I invision a day when chickens can cross the road without having their intentions put into question. -- Matt Rose, in a Dramatic Public Orator voice.
Well begun is half done. -- Aristotle
You don't think that just because I'm a grandma, that means that I don't check out other peoples' bodies? -- Grandma E
It's no coincidence that man's best friend cannot talk. -- Anonymous
"Let's put Mr. Hamster in the microwave... pop goes the weasel!" -- Overheard on IRC
"Don't make me pull this plane over" -- Flight attendent's remark, after we're all too drunk on the plane and Kim almost falls down.
"Quoth the raven... smorgasbord." -- Chris, about a raven that went after a small dog.
Isn't charging someone with attempted murder just like saying, "Better luck next time?" -- De St.
Men of genius sometimes accomplish most when they work the least, for they are thinking out inventions and forming in their minds the perfect idea that they subsequently express with their hands. -- Leonardo da Vinci
"It doesn't matter if your on the right track, if you don't move, you'll get run over" -- Will Rogers 
What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
"...only drugs make you feel as good as people in TV ads appear to be." -- Hakim Bey
"Popcorn is good with Parmesan cheese. It makes much more of a meal. You get your grains, you get your dairy, it's hot food. It works, I'm telling you." -- John, on his starving student days at Berkeley.
Biography lends to death a new terror. -- Oscar Wilde
Works of art are of an infinite solitariness, and nothing is less likely to bring us near to them than criticism. Only love can apprehend and hold them, and can be just towards them. -- Rainer Maria Rilke, "Briefe an einen jungen Dichter"
Lie, n.: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.
"Put something on this Christmas list that I can understand, like panties." -- Grandmom
Eh! Je suis leur chef, il fallait bien les suivre. (Ah well! I am their leader, I really ought to follow them.) -- Alexandre Auguste Ledru-Rollin
I wonder how many lentils i've ever eaten? -- Neil
"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive." -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
OBSERVATORY, n. A place where astronomers conjecture away the guesses of their predecessors. -- Ambrose Bierce
Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful. -- Erwin Tomash
I cannot conceive otherwise than that He, the Infinite Father, expects or requires no worship or praise from us, but that He is even infinitely above it. -- Benjamin Franklin
You can see right through white things. Well, unless it's a big huge thick... wall. -- Shannon
A designer knows he has achieved perfection not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away. -- Antoine de Saint-Exup'ery
"I am the winter of your discontent. I am a pithed frog. OK, I can do without the rock-n-roll."
"Is it too late to switch to my major to P.E.?" -- Danny, after a grueling midterm failing festival.
When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far!
"A...Ho desu." -- A student from Singapore named "Ho", in Japan, trying to respond in Japanese when asked to identify himself. ("Aho desu" happens to mean something like "I am an idiot.")
God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!
"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on." -- Winston Churchill
That is what learning is. You suddenly understand something you've understood all your life, but in a new way. -- Doris Lessing
*** NEWSFLASH *** Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven!
...Modern psychiatry has yet to convincingly prove the genetic/biologic cause of any single mental illness. -- David Kaiser
Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart, don't know how to laugh either. -- Golda Meir
"A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives."
"We have first raised a dust and then complain we cannot see." -- Bishop Berkeley
Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared believe that something inside of them was superior to circumstance. -- Bruce Barton
"I cannot respect any song that uses the word 'yo' in it's lyrics." -- Jen, talking about the Spice Girls song "Wannabe"
Cynic, n.: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
CRITIC, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him. -- Ambrose Bierce
Art requires philosophy, just as philosophy requires art. Otherwise, what would become of beauty? -- Paul Gauguin
"Grief knits two hearts in closer bonds than happiness ever can; and common sufferings are far stronger links than common joys." -- Alphonse de Lamartine
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win. -- Mahatma Ghandi
Sex is like snow... You never know how many inches you're going to get or how long it will last. -- Anonymous
Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
"France was a long despotism tempered by epigrams." -- Thomas Carlyle
To me the most important thing is the sense of going on. You know how beautiful things are when you're traveling. -- Edward Hopper
Your fortune stateth: You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
We don't need no astronauts drining through our neighborhoods in their moon buggies at all hours of the night playing that theme to 2001 on there cosmoblasters real loud... Astronazis -- Upright Citizens Brigade
If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by the page number.
Sic transit gloria Monday!
The lover knows much more about absolute good and universal beauty than any logician or theologian, unless the latter, too, be lovers in disguise. -- George Santayana
There are not enough jails, not enough policemen, not enough courts, to enforce a law not supported by the people. -- Hubert H. Humphrey
Wow. I'd forgotten all about rain. Now I'm covered with water. -- Matt
Your fortune stateth: Courage is your greatest present need.
"Age is a high price to pay for maturity." -- Tom Stoppard
Musical people always want one to be perfectly dumb at the very moment when one is longing to be perfectly deaf. -- Oscar Wilde
If you know exactly what you're going to do, what's the good in doing it? -- Pablo Picasso
I am the Devil! And I am here to do the Devil's business. -- Tex Watson (Manson Family)
"Sex education classes in our public schools are promoting incest." -- Jimmy Swaggart
"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." -- Gloria Steinem
Binary, adj.: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. -- Mark Twain "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
"I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that need worrying about."
Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy.
Prejudice is being down on something you're not up on. -- Anonymous
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." -- David Letterman
Silence is so accurate. -- Mark Rothko
Your fortune stateth: Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone. -- Jack Handey
"Black holes are where God divided by zero" -- Steven Wright
Your fortune stateth: Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200.
"Happiness is the interval between periods of unhappiness." -- Don Marquis
A clever prophet makes sure of the event first.
"There's 24 beers in a case, and 24 hours in a day -- just happened that way? I think not." -- Dan Mertz
The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
"Guide to understanding a net.addict's day: Slow day: didn't have much to do, so spent three hours on usenet. Busy day: managed to work in three hours of usenet. Bad day: barely squeezed in three hours of usenet." -- Anonymous
The greatest poets are those with memories so great that they extend beyond their strongest experiences to their minutest observations of people and things far outside their own self-centeredness. -- Stephen Spender
FIB, n. A lie that has not cut its teeth. An habitual liar's nearest approach to truth: the perigee of his eccentric orbit. -- Ambrose Bierce
You know, Scott. I've been a frickin' evil doctor for 30 frickin' years, OK? Cut me some "frickin'" slack. You forget Scott. We're in a volcano. We're surrounded by liquid hot magma. -- Dr. Evil
"Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee." -- Carolyn Jones
I always wake up at the crack of ice. -- Joe E. Lewis
No one wants advice, only collaboration. -- John Steinbeck
If it takes a lot of words to say what you have in mind, give it more thought. -- Dennis Roch
"Hey guys, if we win States, I hope we, like, get some." -- Andy Z., referring to our cross country team's chances of winning the state championship.
A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program in than some that do. -- Dennis M. Ritchie
I am always doing what I cannot do yet, in order to learn how to do it. -- Vincent Van Gogh
"You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friends on the couch." -- Alan and Stu
"It's like academic triage. It's hopeless." -- Sarah G., discussing study priorities.
It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it. -- Mark Twain
What you need is goat-breast implants. -- Laura
"Working in the theater has a lot in common with unemployment." -- Arthur Gingold
"Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality." -- Jules de Gaultier
All I want out of life is a BIG, BIG, bathroom! -- Devon
Every St. Patrick's Day every Irishman goes out to find another Irishman to make a speech to. -- Shane Leslie
Your fortune stateth: Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
A good solution applied with vigor now is better than a perfect solution applied ten minutes later. -- General George S. Patton, Jr.
To err is human; to admit it, a blunder.
"In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office." -- Ambrose Bierce
"The believer is happy; the doubter is wise." -- Hungarian proverb
He saw that nothing was good and nothing was evil: things were merely adapted to an end. -- Somerset Maugham, "Of Human Bondage"
"It wouldn't have been so bad if she hadn't screwed up like that" -- Sam
He who awaits much can expect little. -- Gabriel Garcia Marquez
You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
When the will defies fear, when the heart applauds the brain, when duty throws the gauntlet down to fate, when honor scorns to compromise with death, -- this is heroism. -- Robert Ingersoll
I hate it in friends when they come too late to help. -- Euripides
If people turn to look at you on the street, you are not well dressed. -- Beau Brummel
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead. -- Ben Franklin
Death is nothing to us, since when we are, death has not come, and when death has come, we are not. -- Epicurus, "Letter to Menoeceus", 124-125
You know, if stupidity was a river, you would be... a really big river. -- Tomas Terfloth
We have let houses that our fathers built fall into pieces, and now we try to break into Oriental palaces that our fathers never knew. -- Carl Jung
Talent jogs to conclusions to which Genius takes giant leaps. l -- Edwin Percy Whipple
"The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
The real question of life after death isn't whether or not it exists, but even if it does, what problems this really solves. -- Ludwig Wittgenstein
I'm really good at grabbing balls and never letting go. -- Deborah
My notion of a great novel is something like a five-hundred-page shaggy-dog story, with only the punch line omitted. -- Edward Abbey
"It sure is a great lake." -- Mary, looking at Lake Michigan
"He who knows only his own side of the case, knows little of that." -- John Stuart Mill
Where doth go, America, in thy shiny car in the night? -- Kerouac, In Literature/Beat Generation
You know, it's really a shame that Shaquille O'Neal thinks he's an actor. -- Benji
Every time I plant a seed, He say kill it before it grow, he say kill it before they grow -- Bob Marley
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped." -- Groucho Marx
"Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature." -- Samuel Johnson
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. [Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.]
When eating an elephant take one bite at a time. -- Gen. C. Abrams
Men have become the tools of their tools. -- Henry David Thoreau
The physicist's greatest tool is his wastebasket. -- Albert Einstein
On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks. -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
There's no time like the pleasant.
Boob's Law: You always find something in the last place you look.
Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. -- John F. Kennedy
"College isn't the place to go for ideas." -- Hellen Keller
"Architecture in general is frozen music." -- Friedrich von Schelling
"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
The whole world steps aside for the man who knows where he is going. -- Anonymous
A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. -- D. Gries
Mitchell's Law of Committees: Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
"It's not fair. They named a planet after Pluto, but there isn't one called Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies." -- Stephanie, the world's biggest Goofy fanatic
Success is just a matter of attitude. -- Darcy E. Gibbons
Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them?
Life isn't choreographed; that's why I fall down a lot. -- Sacha Duncan
Happiness is the art of never holding in your mind the memory of any unpleasant thing that has passed. -- Anonymous
"The passions are the only orators that always persuade." -- Francois La Rochefoucauld
"A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of." -- Ogden Nash
"Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
I don't want pizza! I'd rather eat my butt! -- Erica
"She's having her nozzles removed." -- A matter-of-fact 6-year-old, explaining at the dinner table why her friend wasn't at school today. Dinner was temporarily delayed.
"Root beer's good, when you're drinking it." -- Alex Nardone, Northeastern University
"I know but one freedom, and that is the freedom of the mind." -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
"Of course, Behaviourism "works". So does torture. Give me a no-nonsense, down-to-earth behaviourist, a few drugs, and simple electrical appliances, and in six months will have him reciting the Athanasian creed in public." -- W.H. Auden
"The only goal I have in life is to have a dog, and since I don't have one I'm not living up to my full potential." -- Jen, to Julie
"Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences." -- Isadora Duncan
Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
Although every man believes that his decisions and resolutions involve the most multifarious factors, in reality they are a mere oscillation between flight and longing. -- Herman Broch
In every man's heart there is a secret nerve that answers to the vibrations of beauty -- Christopher Morley
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, 'Cut it out'. -- Steven Wright
Boredom delenda est!
"I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add." -- Steven Wright
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. -- Woody Allen
"University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small." -- Henry Kissinger
"Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character." -- attributed to Albert Einstein
He lives the poetry that he cannot write. The others write the poetry that they dare not realize. -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
"Tear open packet, unfold and use." -- Directions on moist towelette package
Cleveland still lives. God _must be dead.
Avoid having your ego so close to your position that when your position falls, your ego goes with it. -- Colin Powell
"I'm just waiting for my cheap sex toy to show up." -- Helen
"Fly fishing may be pleasant amusement; but angling or float fishing I can only compare to a stick and a string, with a worm at one end and a fool at the other." -- Samuel Johnson
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
"I want to marry a guy whose last name is Pid. Then I'd name my kid Stuart, or Stu for short. Stu Pid. But then my name would be Carrie Pid, and that would suck." -- Carrie
To dare to live alone is the rarest courage; since there are many who had rather meet their bitterest enemy in the field, than their own hearts in their closet. -- Charles Caleb Colton
"Who died and made ME chef?" -- Ellie's dad, after being asked to cook dinner.
Sacrecd cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain
Better late than never. -- Titus Livius (Livy)
Don't anthropomorphize computers -- they hate it. -- Anonymous
If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh. -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls
"Every great advance in natural knowledge has involved the absolute rejection of authority." -- Thomas Henry Huxley
In the end, everything is a gag. -- Charlie Chaplin
Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.
"History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon." -- Napoleon Bonaparte
When the sun shineth, make hay. -- John Heywood
Malek's Law: Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
But there's nothing romantic about a bottle! Oh! Never mind. -- Shannon
Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
Nice guys get sick.
-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the optimal cachinnation.
Avoid reality at all costs.
The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence, but you still have to mow it. -- Anonymous
"Kill a man, and you are a murderer. Kill millions of men, and you are a conqueror Kill everyone, and you are a god." -- Jean Rostard
Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world.
"The only inalienable right of human beings is to receive mail." -- Mick's brother
To be damned by the devil is to be truly blessed. -- Quai Chang Kane
I like spinach, but I wouldn't just sit down and eat it if I were by myself. -- Karen
I consider dogmatic belief and dogmatic denial very childish forms of conceit in a world of infinitely whirrling complexity. -- Robert Anton Wilson
Your fortune stateth: You are always busy.
Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. -- M. C. Reed.
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. -- John Lyly
"Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate." -- Thomas Jones
"Ohhhh. You ruined my plot to kill Uncle John!" -- 3 year old Connor after his dad took his toys off the stairs.
"Man is the only animal that contemplates death, and also the only animal that shows any sign of doubt of its finality." -- William Ernest Hocking
The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
First the man takes a drink; then the drink takes a drink; then the drink takes the man. -- Japanese Proverb
Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
"People that are really weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." -- J. Danforth Quayle
PUSH, n. One of the two things mainly conducive to success, especially in politics. The other is Pull. -- Ambrose Bierce
Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so. -- David Grayson
Here there be tygers.
I blew on people back home. And they got really mad. And I felt bad, because that was a habit I had gotten into. -- Alison
Salsa Shark. Were gonna need a bigger boat. Man goes into cage, cage goes into salsa. Shark is in salsa. -- Randal
"Every revolution evaporates and leaves behind only the slime of a new bureaucracy." -- Franz Kafka
"Parties who want milk should not seat themselves on a stool in the middle of a field in hope that the cow will back up to them." -- Albert Hubbard
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
Kate: "So how's that Navada guy doin?" Shay: "You mean Navaid?" Kate: "Navaid, Navada, Navajo...same difference"
I entered the office and tossed my hat at the coat rack. It missed, hit the heater, and instantly burst into flames. That reminded me: I had some work to do in Windows. -- Lincoln Spector, "The Maltese Penguin"
Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate and captain of your soul.
"The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning wanting to change your name and start a new life in a different city." -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"
Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century. -- Bob Perelman
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. -- Evelyn Beatrice Hall, "The Friends of Voltaire"
"What the hell is this?" "Its a Peace symbol sir." "What does your helmet say?" "Born to kill sir." "What the hell is going on?" "I guess I was just trying to point out the duality of mankind." -- Full Metal Jacket
Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
If it was attention I wanted, I'd take off my clothes and walk into the street. -- Dmb
Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. -- John Kenneth Galbraith
"The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to everybody and still nobody likes him." -- Jim Samuels
I'm not in a coma, I'm just bored! -- Gregory Moore
Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in. -- Evan Davis
"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." -- Lily Tomlin
Anarchy - it's not the law, it's just a good idea. -- Anonymous
No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. -- Robert Lee Frost
The heavier, the more it weighs. -- Luis
"I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person."
"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
Language is a virus from another planet. -- William Burroughs
"Polaroid cameras... those are pretty expensive. I think it costs a lot to develop the film, too." -- KD
"Open Eyes, open heart, open up and fall apart" -- Finger Eleven
Michelle: Did you know that children learn languages better the younger they are? Wendy: Then why don't French babies cry "le waaah?"
Friendship is a living thing that lasts only as long as it is nourished with kindness, empathy and understanding. -- Anonymous
It doesn't really matter whether you grip the arms of the dentist's chair or let your hands lie in your lap. The drill drills on. -- CS Lewis, "A Grief Observed"
"You want change? Change begins with your underwear." -- Victor Cruz
Your fortune stateth: You will have long and healthy life.
There are more valid facts and details in works of art than there are in history books. -- Charlie Chaplin
ANOINT, v.t. To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery. -- Ambrose Bierce
Things are not always what they seem. -- Phaedrus
He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. -- Friedrich Nietzsche
Why not go out on a limb? Isn't that where the fruit is?
"That music sounds like two skeletons having sex, and one of them is wearing a bunch of keys" -- Zak listening to T-Power's live set
Since I hurt my pendulum My life is all erratic. My parrot, who was cordial, Is now transmitting static. The carpet died, a palm collapsed, The cat keeps doing poo. The only thing that keeps me sane Is talking to my shoe. -- My Shoe
AMBITION, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. -- Ambrose Bierce
Cabbage, n.: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Fate succumbs many a species: one alone jeopardizes itself. -- W.H. Auden
Education... has produced a vast population able to read but unable to distinguish what is worth reading. -- G. M. Trevelyan
"FLOOR IT! KILL FASTER!" -- "Uncle" Ben yelling at a speeder who cut us off.
At a U-Cut Christmas Tree place: Jim: Just chop down the tree. Tom: I think the P.C. way to do it these days is lethal injection. Jim: What? Tom: Okay, fine, give it its last cigarette and shoot it.
Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in. -- Henry David Thoreau
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. -- Robin Williams
"if two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it" -- Ernest Hemingway
I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be. -- Abraham Lincoln
"Modern medicine is so wonderful! Yesterday I went for an X-ray, and they showed me my spleen. I didn't even know I had a spleen!" -- Mr. Greene, College Professor
In the war of wits, he's unarmed.
"As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs -- a process that traditionally requires some debugging." --- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new computer system.
The rain it raineth on the just And also on the unjust fella, But chiefly on the just, because The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."
"And if you give us any more trouble, I shall visit you in the small hours and put a bat up your nightdress." -- Basil Fawlty
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. -- Woody Allen
"Who were they stealing the cows from? And they just dropped them over the ocean?! To DIE!!!??? It's damn lucky for the human race that I am not omniscient-omnipotent!!!!" -- Julie
Bug, n.: An aspect of a computer program which exists because the PROGRAMMER was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he wrote the program. Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed. -- Ray Simard
"If parents would only realize how they bore their children." -- George Bernard Shaw
All that I have seen teaches me to trust the creator in all that I have not seen -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.
"We must not confuse dissent with disloyalty." -- Edward R. Murrow
I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. -- Dan Quayle
The proof in the immortality of the soul is that myriads have believed it; they also believed the world was flat. -- Mark Twain
"Get off the cross; we need the wood!" -- Sock'n'Buskin (drama club) sets crew motto.
Men can only be happy when they do not assume that the object of life is happiness -- George Orwell
Why is the sun so bright? Make the sun be quiet! -- an awakened passenger on a bus trip to New York
Marriage is like the army. Everybody complains, but you'd be surprised at how many re-enlist. -- Anonymous
Blueness doth express trueness. -- Ben Jonson
"It is always wise to go through life just a little bit dizzy."
With great power, comes great responsibility. -- Stan Lee
"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't." -- Spike Milligan
Oppernockity tunes but once.
Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
Ogden's Law: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
"Enlightened people seldom or never possess a sense of responsibility." -- George Orwell
Your fortune stateth: Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
When do you party 'till if the cows are already in? -- Michelle, a former city girl who moved to the country.
Let us so live that when we come to die even the undertaker is sorry. -- Mark Twain
I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away. -- Nancy Mitford
One Christmas, my grandfather gave me a box of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of bandaids. Then he said to us, "Now, you two share." -- Stephen Wright
No man is more unhappy than the one who is never in adversity; the greatest affliction of life is never to be afflicted. -- Anonymous
Open up my head and let me out. -- Dmb
Above all else -- sky.
Politics is like coaching a football team. you have to be smart enough to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
If it has more than three chords, it's jazz. -- Lou Reed
Sadly, however, it seems that not only has the kakapo forgotten how to fly, but it has also forgotten that it has forgotten how to fly. -- Douglas Adams, "Last Chance to See"
Your fortune stateth: You'll never be the man your mother was!
"Learning is not compulsory. Neither is survival." -- W. Edwards Deming
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
One man's Mede is another man's Persian. -- George M. Cohan
Your fortune stateth: Communicate!  It can't make things any worse.
Jim: "I'll call you this weekend" Ellie: "It already IS this weekend!" -- Me talking on the phone to my ex, on a Saturday afternoon, before he was my ex.
"Normal people worry me. That's why I'm so comfortable around myself." -- Heather M.
JEALOUS, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping. -- Ambrose Bierce
Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
A behaviorist is someone who pulls habits out of rats. -- Anonymous
"A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism." -- Carl Edward Sagan
Be careful, there are people who're going to kidnap you on chat lines. -- Mrs. Rascoe, computers teacher
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice.
Think simple' as my old master used to say - meaning reduce the whole of its parts into the simplest terms, getting back to first principles. -- Frank Lloyd Wright
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
Blue paint today. [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.]
"The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." -- Henry David Thoreau
Don't you know the difference between the two economic systems? Under capitalism man exploits man. But, under communism, it's just the other way around. -- Emil Vrabie
"I don't have to choose, nyaah, nyaaah, nah nyaah nyaah." -- Sandra Hereld
I write of the great eternal truths that bind all men together the whole world over. We eat, we shit, we fuck, we kill, and we die. -- Marquis de Sade
I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world. -- Albert Einstein
Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
"You know that a party sucks when the people are playing charades. Charades? What the hell? Did we run out of beer?" -- My English Prof
Oh babycakes! The way he moves his como se llama, I could watch him all day long. Woo-hoo! -- Mrs. Heep, U.S. History teacher, trying to get the class enthused about Chuck Norris.
Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. She scissored short. Sorely shorn, Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, Silently scheming, Sightlessly seeking Some savage, spectacular suicide. -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless still dead.
I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is - I could be just as proud for half the money. -- Arthur Godfrey
Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of them keeps paying for it. -- Peggy Joyce
Above all things, reverence yourself.
If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
It's warmer in the country than in the summer. -- Don Gares
Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to? -- Clarence Darrow
I Was one drink away from a tatoo. -- Forbal
Every major street in Austin has to have at least four names, or we don't feel comfortable. -- An Austin resident, explaining the road-naming scheme there.
He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself. -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
"I'd rather ski naked than ski without gloves." -- Snoop
Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, A root or two, a torus and a node: The inverse of my verse, a null domain. -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
If I were to try to read, much less answer, all the attacks made on me, this shop might as well be closed for any other business. -- Abraham Lincoln
Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. -- Mark Twain
"God created the world out of nothing, but the nothingness still shows through." -- Soren Aabye Kierkegaard
"Smell my body!" -- Zack
Probable-Possible, my black hen, She lays eggs in the Relative When. She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now Because she's unable to postulate how. -- Frederick Winsor
Although all knowledge begins with experience, it does not necessarily all spring from experience. -- Immanuel Kant
"Living in England, provincial England, must be like being married to a stupid but exquisitely beautiful wife." -- Margaret Halsey
"Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack."
Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. -- Anton Chekhov
Jon, what setting do I nead to put the gas ring on to boil water? -- Naomi, age 18
I could read lips if I knew what they were saying. -- Ham
"Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he's supposed to be doing at that moment." -- Robert Benchley
I am not now, and never have been, a girl friend of Henry Kissinger. -- Gloria Steinem
"Can't I like someone just for themselves and not for who they are?" -- Peggy, when told that a bunch of gorgeous male models were probably gay.
The need to be right is the sign of a vulgar mind. -- Albert Camus
"I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means. It means we get to keep all our old mistakes." -- Dennie van Tassel
Don't talk to anymore reverends. -- Lisa
If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us. -- Hermann Hesse
"Sanity is very rare: every man almost, and every woman has a dash of madness." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"In the fight between you and the world, back the world." -- Frank Zappa
"He no play-a da game. He no make-a da rules!" -- Earl Butz - US Politician referring to the pope's strictures against contraception
The optimist sees opportunity in every danger; the pessimist sees danger in every opportunity. -- Winston Churchill
A good love is delicious, you can't get enough too soon. It makes you so crazy you want to swallow the moon. -- Venus De Milo
Everyone wants to understand painting. Why is there no attempt to understand the song of the birds? -- Pablo Picasso
The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it. -- Anonymous
Style is a natural thing and has nothing to do with taste. -- David Bailey
A: "Do you miss being single?" R: "What? The flailing, the preasure, and the uncertainty? Why would I miss that?" A: "Are you talking about being single or being in a relationship?" -- Amy and Ross
The great art of life is sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain. -- Lord Byron
Laywers, I suppose, were children once. -- Charles Lamb
Your fortune stateth: You will be awarded some great honor.
What garlic is to food, insanity is to art. -- Anonymous
He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. -- Salvor Hardin
Gina: "Turkey doesn't go next to the mustard!!!" -- to me (Jimmy) while I was making her a sandwich. Later used as the definition of wigging.
"Oh, I don't have the discipline to be a hippie" -- Homer
"Where I come from, after hearing something like that, you'd go, 'Damn!'" -- Dave
Happiness is acceptance. -- Anonymous
She has moments when she seems stable, but then so does nitroglycerine. -- Dan
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Freedom is a package deal - with it comes responsibilities and consequences. -- Anonymous
The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person. -- P. J. O'Rourke
What do atheists scream when they come?" -- Bill Hicks
Your fortune stateth: You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
The more you know, the less you need to show. -- Anonymous
There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. -- Mark Twain
Dancing: The vertical expression of a horizontal desire legalized by music. -- George Bernard Shaw
It makes a lot more sense to act like a crazy idiot among strangers, because then they can't make fun of you by name. -- Myself, justifying to a less outgoing friend why I was dancing around the grocery store
Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
A new koan: If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. It is an ice cream koan.
"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing."
Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the world has ever seen.
-- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.
"Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong."
MISERICORDE, n. A dagger which in mediaeval warfare was used by the foot soldier to remind an unhorsed knight that he was mortal. -- Ambrose Bierce
"Seek simplicity, and distrust it." -- Alfred North Whitehead
Ducharm's Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.
'Cool out man! You're freaking my groove.' -- the only English one Russian knew.
He hadn't a single redeeming vice. -- Oscar Wilde
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." -- Charles Schultz
"Man, even Ray Charles could find the soup!" -- Amos (the lunch guy at YSU)
...It's no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn't even speak to each other if they met at a party. -- Nick Hornby, "High Fidelity"
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." -- August Strindberg
For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. -- Abraham Lincoln
If you can't sleep, then get up and do something instead of lying there worrying. It's the worry that gets you, not the lack of sleep -- Dale Carnegie
"Language is a virus from outer space." -- William S. Burroughs
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
"The trouble with being a god is that you've got no one to pray to." -- Terry Pratchett, _Small Gods_
Ink, n.: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
"For the last time, I'm not male! I'm HUMAN!" -- Curt Siffert
To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven. -- Karen Sunde
Love is friendship set on fire. -- French Proverb
Jill: Hi, how are feeling? Jamie: Incredibly sober. Jill: Don't that have a cure for that nowadays?
"Faith: not *wanting* to know what is true." -- Friedrich Nietzsche
The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless. -- Hosea Ballou
He physicist's greatest tool is his wastebasket. -- Albert Einstein
If anything can go wrong, it will.
Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active. -- Leonardo da Vinci
"The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm." -- Travis McGee
"Blaming 'society' makes it awfully easy for a person of weak character to shrug off his own responsibility for his actions." -- Stanley Schmidt
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from. -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum